Having a very hard time

Masypha · 2024-02-14T20:45:24+00:00

You're going to enter a grief stage; denial, anger, acceptance, etc.

The sooner you can look at things practically the sooner you can accept things. Understand that during acceptance it's natural to have anger. That anger is at yourself. If you find yourself in a situation where you're projecting your own insecurities onto others, then attempt methods that'll detach you and ground you again.

Humans are humans. Your ex is going through her trauma and unfortunately so are you. Overall, accept that it's over and focus on yourself. Don't take her back, because she'll most likely play the field and come back to you. She's been speaking to her family members and gf's about this and they're supporting her leaving which is acceptable since we only know your side of events. She's confronted with guilt and too immature to voice herself. You simply leave, let her go, and focus on yourself because this is the best method for improvement. It is selfish to hold onto someone who wants to leave. If you're selfish then you're just as wrong as the other person.

During your process it will be very hard, but learn to forgive yourself, come to God, understand things better, elevate yourself maybe even with a community. Maybe start playing rugby and see how the culture is around your location. As other comments have also recommended, study, gym, money (2nd job), date. You don't have to be sexually active if you're coming to God but that doesn't mean you can't go out and play the field.

Parreira1955 · 2024-02-13T21:09:37+00:00

Hi my friend, I'll put all my 2 cents that she is having an afair and she is deaplly in the "afair fog". If you want to have any kind of hope to save it, you must to go nuclear on her. How?

Learn about the 180 (link below) and implement it;
Consult a lawyer to see what your options are and, if you feel comfortable with them, file for divorce;
When the paperwork is ready, serve her where is the worst for her;
Just after you have served her, take her affair public, at least to family and friends, for she can't twist the narrative to you to look like the "Bad Guy".

Note, that if things with her improve, you can always drop it down.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/

DrZoidberq · 2024-02-13T01:42:36+00:00

Hey brother, almost the exact same situation happening to me. She let me know a couple weeks ago. Just got back from being stationed overseas and moved to a new state. All while providing for her while I was away. Fresh lease and all now and she says verbatim I love you, but I’m not in love with you statement. Just know you’re not alone. I’m hurting too. Whatever happens at the end of this tunnel for us we will be okay. I’m not a religious man, but I’ve prayed she realizes this is a mistake. Take care of yourself.

ETA: one moment in the day I’m feeling like the stop being the simp comment in this thread, and feeling like fuck it this is what you want, I’m going to move on to my fullest. And then not much later I’m struggling to comprehend why this is happening to us and just want to grovel. I know. It’s not right and won’t work but it’s a struggle.

OkFlamingo9226 · 2024-02-12T16:10:06+00:00

Truly horrible advice given in these comments if you are trying to to save your marriage. I would advise that you do not leave the house unless you have concrete evidence of cheating.

That is the one mistake I made that I wish I could do over. Once you're out of the house and she gets to live on her own and start possibly doing better, it will be nearly impossible to reconcile.

CreepyCamel6301 · 2024-02-12T13:49:31+00:00

Your story ia literally what has happened to me...i was very surprised at how similar it was. If u need to chat im here...sorry about whats going on.

Everyonelookatme1 · 2024-02-12T11:52:37+00:00

Yeah sounds like cheater bullshit. Sorry man it’s over. 20 years is a long ass time. You will need some time to heal. I’ll tell you this I’m getting much happier being alone and not in relationships. I’m also finding I have so much more money now that I don’t have to impress lol.

Take care of yourself. Get a therapist. Go to church. Work out. Mediate. Engage in your hobbies. Go camping, ski, draw. Travel. Do what YOU want to do. You are single now!

wisstinks4 · 2024-02-12T03:47:04+00:00

Record everything. I really dislike women that do this to men. It’s all wishy-washy and gameplay.

This reminds me of the song Maneater, women just eat men up and spit them out. Our crappy Legal system supports this philosophy. It’s total bullshit.

Due-Ad4708 · 2024-02-11T21:37:50+00:00

Yes, I've been there. 23 years together, same word " you're my world, I love you but like a brother". You have to stop living your dream and face the truth. It's over. From now one you have to decide if you want to waste your time in something that never is going to happen or go ahead. If you take the reins, your life is gonna change. If not, she's gonna manipulate you again and again forever. That's not life.

Low_Ice7941 · 2024-02-11T21:21:37+00:00

A lot of us had a similar viewpoint to yours.

There is still that part of me that would have preferred to find a way forward together, but in reality that is a foolish fantasy.

Once I was able to let go of what we had, I've since realized she did me the biggest favour in the world.

That's not to say I don't wish her happiness as I genuinely do. When you have a kid in the mix you want everyone to be happy so that they can parent to the best of their ability.

DivorceTA1988 · 2024-02-11T20:22:35+00:00

This was me last year. I understand everything you are saying. She can’t be happy and she’s decided you are the reason. Newsflash it’s not, but by the time she figures that out it will be far too late. I would not hold out hope

Friendly-Maximum9412 · 2024-02-11T20:22:01+00:00

Most everone here has been through it. I'm so, so sorry for you. The odds are low that you'll reconcile, but no contact is your best bet. If it works, she'll realize what she's missing. If it doesn't it'll start you on your way to healing. No contact. NONE

UbiquitousFlounder · 2024-02-11T19:36:44+00:00

That way lies madness. Move on.

potatotornado44 · 2024-02-11T18:39:13+00:00

It’s over brother, she’s done.

You need to move on the best way you see fit for yourself.

Don’t grovel, beg,and pleaded for her to stay. Don’t go over the top trying to win her back.

Not only is that a bad look on you, but your son is watching everything that’s happening right now.

Be as civil as you can with the stbx but keep it strictly business. Maintain your self-respect at all times.

You say you are good with finances, but only give her what the law requires you to. She made this decision and she can deal with the financial repercussions.

This isn’t the end of the world, a lot of us have been through it and survived, you will too.

captainchippsixx · 2024-02-11T17:28:44+00:00

First off stop simping. Be a man. Say fuck it. Her actions show you what she means. She has another guy already lined up. Women make the move when they have a new guy already. If you missed the chance to go through her phone… because all the bullshit will be there.

Don’t let separation stall divorce. Move forward. You can get back together and be divorced. But my guess when things started going South in marriage she started looking for an exit and a guy.

Stop communication! Divorce. Mean it. She will probably change her mind again when the new guy experiment fails. Look at the actions not her words.

Dramatic_Caramel_488 · 2024-02-11T15:22:11+00:00

Yeah man i had a similar situation myself, she ended up resenting me even more after I continued to push for us to fix things. Much later I had found she was seeing other people towards the end of our time spent apart before we finally decided to get a divorce. So she probably will start seeing someone else if she hasn’t already. I’d focus on your teen and yourself man.

Comfortable-Long-419 · 2024-02-11T13:57:10+00:00

Pretty much in the same boat here too. It sucks.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2024-02-11T12:44:34+00:00

Op, there is definitely a new dude, it's not you. This is standard issue cheater crap.

Get legal protection going, she is done. If you keep trying to pursue, she is just going to dislike you even more. Its just how they are wired. Get the best deal while she wants out or else she will fight you on every penny. Trust us man, this isn't unique!

Complicatedlogic · 2024-02-11T11:41:47+00:00

Don’t do the back and forth. It just lets her know you’ll fold when and if she’s ready to take you back. If you really would like to reconcile, your best bet is to walk away. If she wakes up and you want her back, great. If she wakes up and you don’t want her back, great. Win win. Walk away. It’ll hurt and she doesn’t care.

lifeisallihave · 2024-02-11T07:33:18+00:00

You can't save the relationship. You need to move on and do it quickly. Find a place since you have a teenager and start building a new life of your own. Your replacement is probably lurking around. Save yourself years of pain and work on yourself.

Reddit188869 · 2024-02-11T06:30:06+00:00

the family as you knew it is gone forever. take as long as you need to grieve it, and start building up your new family (you and your teen) and what you’d like that to look like in the future. Start planning for the divorce and get your ducks in a row, quietly with a smile on your face. Take Some of the advice about gym, wardrobe, friends etc to ward off complete and utter despair. shes not coming back, regardless of how she made it sound - even if there was hope, would you risk taking someone back who’d nuclear blast her family unit in a heartbeat again? it is enough to give you PTSD and I forbid you to do it my guy. Grey rock, divorce immediately.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-02-11T06:21:47+00:00

Pursuing them when it reaches this state is counterproductive. This relationship is over for her and probably has been for several years. Don’t try to appease her or do anything remotely looking like the pick me dance.

Take action and control of your life again. Hire a good divorce attorney and file as soon as you can asking for an early trial date. Don’t tell her what you’re about to do just do it. Decide what you want to get out of this divorce bearing in mind that usually everything in the marital estate is usually split 50-50.

Get and read No More Mr Nice Guy.

IllustriousCry672 · 2024-02-11T05:51:27+00:00

It's hard to accept, but it's about a new dick.

I know, you'll think of everyone reason why she's the exception to the rule, that you did X wrong, or she wouldn't do Z, or whatever.

But what she's saying? That's always new dick. If it was something else that was you're issue it'd be 'you're alcoholic' or something. You'd know with 100% certainty why this was happening.

If you have uncertanity, it's new dick. Now, your behavior may have weakened her attraction which made her susciptable to the buffet of dick women face every single day, and maybe you want to blame yourself for that, but the point is, there's a new dick in her.

And sadly, once that happens, it's over. You may feel you could have a ONS with a woman, and still love your wife and go back to her if she forgave.

It doesn't matter how much you forgive, on her end, she's done with you. Your wife can't enjoy the new dick without also losing all feelings for you.

So, you don't have to worry about reconciliation. It won't happen. You can focus on protecting yourself from someone whose about to do the worst thing to you that anyone in your life has ever done, probably worse than everything bad combined.

And I 100% understand if you won't believe this. It took me well over a year to accept the above.

isocluster · 2024-02-11T05:39:42+00:00

When my ex said this it was all blather. A few days later... yeah it was another dick.

New-Amoeba9042 · 2024-02-11T05:27:11+00:00

She’s found new dick.

That’s hard to accept, it true.

Also means you can’t work it out.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-02-11T05:04:33+00:00

The old ILYBNILWY means one of two things: she found new dick or she’s been checked out for years and is done with you and your shit.

If you’re not an asshole, then it’s the first.

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-02-11T04:58:41+00:00

Quit trying to reel in every nibble....just stop trying to please her. Withdrawal emotionally completely. It's the solution for getting over her and the solution for trying to get back together. As long as you present yourself as an option she's not going to pay you much mine. She's waiting to see how things go with the new guy and if you keep the door open she's gonna take her time.

Title	Having a very hard time
Author	Neat-Bed-718
Upvotes	31
Comments	61
Date	February 11, 2024 4:51 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1anzvad/having_a_very_hard_time/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/having-a-very-hard-time.1245100 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245100

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