How to Spot a PA

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-05-24T23:29:04+00:00

I would add having a completely clean browser history / google activity all the time... they're hiding something.

companyofwolves · 2021-05-25T00:14:10+00:00

I also want to make those reading aware that all of these can also be signs of actually physically cheating on you with another person(s). So if you wind up not finding any porn on his devices, this kind of behavior is all extremely in line with cheating behavior.

Kweenshit · 2021-05-25T01:16:43+00:00

They can’t finish without either jerking themselves off or having you do it.

The sex is not tender/love-making, like you look in their eyes trying to connect and they look uncomfortable or dead in the eyes. They want to focus on your body instead of your eyes and personhood.

akiikaaki · 2021-05-25T02:27:26+00:00

When he’s in his 20’s and his dick can’t get hard
When his dick just goes soft in the middle of sex
When he gets bored and FALLS ASLEEP during the middle of sex

Speaking from experience 💀

elementalvirago · 2021-05-24T21:58:06+00:00

Addendum to #3: pooping for an hour. Oh wait sorry..."pooping". My ex took forever in the bathroom, turns out he was a porn addict.

He also had a curved dick and developed sores on it from masturbating the skin clean off. He said it was from a skin condition but funny, he didn't seem to have that "condition" on any other part of his body.

Can confirm all your other points as well.

myoklife · 2021-05-25T00:29:26+00:00

Oooh I have some

calls it "fapping"
talks about porn ever, in open casual conversation
premature OR very delayed ejaculation (basically he can't get off on real sex with people)
asymmetrically bent dick
tries to initiate sex by just..grabbing your bits or pawing at them. No romance or foreplay, just gimme! now!
stays up really late for no good reason
he wants to try things he clearly has no experience doing
asks for nudes

LonelyWineAunt · 2021-05-24T23:58:25+00:00

He stocks being interested in sex with you and starts going to bed or waking up extra early or extra late. A sudden change in sleep schedule is a huge sign of a porn addiction.

cherryspacesong · 2021-05-25T03:47:23+00:00

If he calls you a “dirty little slut” or “whore”, spanks you during sex. I understand some women are into this but if a man does it to you unprompted he likely watches a lot of porn.

Platipus6 · 2021-05-24T23:32:56+00:00

He mentions something "weird" as a test. My ex seemed quizzical about "a thing", like "hey, does this sound weird?". Turns out that was his major fetish, he had thousands of videos about it and he thought about it regularly. He was gently testing to see my reaction. Yes it was fucking weird.
He's ok doing it in the dark because he doesn't want to look at your facial expressions or be reminded that you're a person. Also lots of positions from behind, even if it's spooning and seems tender. It's so you can't see his blank expression too.
Chopped up body parts? Or headless? Again with the "doesn't want to see your expressions". I was wearing a dustmask and safety glasses while I deepcleaned my kitchen and bathroom and he said "that's hot". Fucking weird. Another guy wanted me to wear his hoodies to make it look like my upper body was gone and I was just a lower body. Same deal with foot fetishes. We're just body parts.
Boundary violations. Esp privacy, dignity and bodily autonomy. Wants to shower together ALL THE TIME. Or spies on you. Gropes you while your hands are occupied. Walks in on you when you're getting dressed. Picks you up, moves you around or body blocks you. Forces hugs and kisses, pins you.
Unexplained gaps in time. You start going crazy like an abuser, demanding proof of what he's up to, because he's being shady as fuck, getting nothing done, not doing what he said he would, and won't tell you what he's up to. It's porn.
You don't exist unless he's horny. For about a day after he nuts he just doesn't give a fuck about you. Then he swings by and is all lovey-dovey and attentive. Like a 24h cycle of abuse/neglect.
ETA - Lies about something his exes "wouldn't do" to guilt trip / pity you into doing something, but he has a plausible reason around why he's fumbling it. Ex said "no-one's ever let him cum in their mouth 😔" so pickme would give long blowjobs. He'd deliberately hold off so he could WATCH like porn. With the excuse that he was "so traumatized and nervous" about what the exes had done so he couldn't relax and cum. Until my eyes were watering of course. Then he could cum.
Sexualizing medical things. eg breast exams or gyne procedures (or "jokes" about prostate exams). It's an anxious, clinical, uncomfortable check for cancer, not sexy times for your gratification. They're the type to sexually assault their carer when they're dirty old men in a nursing home, or the type to get "jealous" or throw a fit when you need a breast exam, because it's a porn category and he thinks your doc is feeling you up and you enjoy it.
You cancel a date/weekend because of something distressing to you, or it's the anniversary of something traumatic (mother's death) and he doesn't comfort you, just thinks of himself. Suggests that you can still facetime or cam for his gratification.

DallasOMalley · 2021-05-25T03:03:05+00:00

I want to add that responding too quickly if you ask whether he watched porn - only to insist he doesn't - is in itself a sign. I've noticed that with people who have nothing to hide, there's a natural pause before they answer a question. Liars, on the other hand, will jump in quickly to convince you that they'd NEVER do the thing you asked about.

I have an ex who did this, and I foolishly took him at his word. In retrospect, though, it's obvious that he was displaying many other signs of a porn addiction (could only come jacking himself off with a death grip, chronic ED, constantly trying to have porn-style sex, and joking about things that are commonly seen in porn but rarely in real life).

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-05-24T22:33:22+00:00

I always spot PA when they push for reenactment.

"I have some fantasies" - they usually revolve around degradation of women, almost all consist of plights for anal or unsafe sex

Meanwhile my fantasy is making sweet vanilla love, feeling the intimate connection on the deepest level and having at least one orgasm. No degrading things, no humiliation, no injuries.

But hey... I had guys confessing they loved me and that they wanted to marry me and in the next sentence they mentioned anal sex. Like wtf. Dealbreaker. Do y'all think I was born sexy yesterday?

Scrotes be scroting 🙅‍♀️🦐🦐🦐

redwineandsolitude · 2021-05-25T05:10:12+00:00

Doesn’t touch/stimulate your clit; or if he does, it’s for less than 30 seconds, and he’s not getting visibly aroused/shows a lack of concentration

Nonsluttymen · 2021-05-24T22:15:10+00:00

The first point in the OP is true but is a much bigger red flag for straight out cheating. Hiding porn doesn’t require hiding a locked phone screen.

Some of the following are signs enough on their own, but others are “tells” when in combination with other signs:

He takes too long to cum (due to death grip and a history of jerking multiple times a day).
Roleplays must always start with or focus on blowjobs
Lovemaking is minimal, if you experience it at all. No, it’s not just slow sex.
Him asking where he should cum, if condoms aren’t being used (which isn’t recommended even if you’re on birth control). It’s like every part of the act is a micromanaged performance. He knows through experience he won’t be able to jizz on your chest with his short wiener, but keeps asking where he should finish.
They make too many irrelevant conversations sexual.
Repeated expression of interest in anal sex if he’s not bisexual, even after you express repulsion at the idea. That, or he keeps pressuring you to do sexual acts you’re not interested in. He doesn’t mind if your consent is coerced at worst or not enthusiastic at best, especially for acts that are downright dangerous only for you.
Any sort of hint of misogyny, i.e. wishes paper/financial abortion were an option, thinks women have too much power, refers to rape as sex, blaming rape victims, calls any woman a whore with no knowledge of her history, etc. (If he uses pulling out as the only form of birth control yet also thinks financial abortion should exist, run for the fucking hills.)
He loves to make you gag and tear up.
Asks you to dirty talk to him, especially if you lost your virginity to him the year before or relatively recently.
Knows pornstar names of anyone who hasn’t crossed over into mainstream media.
Has no hobbies that don’t involve a screen.
Gets turned on by hurting you with his dick. (Also see someone else’s point of crooked, Peyronie’s dick, which is often the reason for the pain in the first place, if not him trying to shove it in when he clearly hasn’t aroused you enough.)
Lost his virginity to anyone who would have him just to lose it. IMO, if he also has sex with anyone just for the sake of sex.
Is significantly overweight but will only date women under a certain BMI, but will pump and dump overweight women.
If you ask him what he likes about you after some time together, he gives generic or evasive answers in regards to your personality.
He’s fine with seeing you once a week even if he’s only a 20 minute drive away yet says he has to jerk off before seeing you because he’s so excited.
Dishonesty that is especially unnecessary. For some reason, addicts tend to lie a lot.
A male peer of his (friend, brother) tries to insult him by insulting your breast size (when you’re not around).
Miraculous recovery from substance abuse (especially cocaine) since porn feeds their dopamine and/or he appears to be high on the narcissism spectrum, since porn reinforces an undeserved sense of entitlement.
This one might be a stretch but I’ve noticed a trend; they tend to hate on “social justice warriors.” (God forbid that anyone cracks down on their precious, crime-enabling PornHub.)
Asks what your fantasies are too soon.
Poor sexual impulse control, i.e. unexpectedly whipping his dick out in a movie theatre. Bonus points if this is the first time you see his dick.
They don’t remember your birthday but remember your bra size.

(More for pick-me newbies: Lastly, if you are blinding yourself to the signs in him, take care to notice any possible signs in yourself that you’re in a LTR with a porn addict. Has your self esteem fallen since you first got together? Do you get more anxiety when seeing him now compared to the beginning of the relationship? Do you ever cancel on him if you feel like you won’t be able to please him sexually? Are you now prioritizing your body fat percentage, plastic surgery or your lingerie collection over focusing on your educational or career goals, compared to before you got together?)

SleepyLibraryScorpio · 2021-05-25T03:26:55+00:00

Where was this list when I was with my PA ex??? Maybe it would have saved me some valuable years of my life. 😓

I can add:

Unexplained viruses on the shared/desktop/family computer
Complete disinterest in pleasuring you; expects you to suddenly be an acrobatic sex machine in bed that does all the “work”
Makes comments every time you eat a food even vaguely phallic
Stops cuddling after sex and “doesn’t want to talk about it”

DiamondLilyD · 2021-05-24T21:52:21+00:00

No motivation/lack of motivation to the point their lives are massively affected,

SinisterSincerely · 2021-05-24T22:49:20+00:00

Ohh.. I have quite a few tells I have made note of over the years:

The subtle phone tilt - Say your SO and you are close together for whatever reason. You may notice that if they do take out their phone, that their phone screen is ALWAYS conveniently faced away from your line of sight. If you were to move - so does that phone screen.
- Related to 'The Hover' : Your SO shows you something from their phone, however, they stand directly over you to make sure you do not scroll, nor do you make any gesture to see their recently viewed apps/tabs

Different night time routines: Doesn't seem to matter if you suggest waiting for your SO, or ask your SO to come to come to bed- they are always 'too busy' or they switch it on you and forge empathy "Oh babe, I don't want you to stay up - go to bed"
This frees up time for them to view porn more easily.

For those in a relationship. Looking at Google activity reveals a lot of shocking stuff. It will show search results as well as APP habits.

From this I discovered a very clear pattern: Porn source -> Secure Folder

This of course leads to the last eye opener - do they have a secure folder?

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-05-24T22:58:57+00:00

Related to phone protectiveness, won’t give you any of his passwords. Gets offended and tries to DARVO you as unworthy of trust if you ask.

pickadaisy · 2021-05-24T22:13:59+00:00

I’ll add:

a general lack of initiative but still interest and erections. I’d whine “I’m sooo horny” right beside an ex and he didn’t try. But if I said, “wanna do it?” He’d be naked and hard before I could blink. I had nooo idea PA was the reason until I found FDS.

Erectile dysfunction at a young age.

Premature ejaculation as the norm.

He tells you it turns him on to do things that would hurt you or him.

pugaczalla · 2021-05-25T11:52:10+00:00

Has an erectile dysfunction in his 20s/30s while having partnered sex (without any serious health issues that might affect it), but doesn’t have it when he wanks.
Even if he gets hard, it isn’t ‘hard enough’. He doesn’t have a full, healthy erection usually. He might go a little bit limp here and there. Definitely not enough to call it ED or PIED, but something is off too.
He might be actually ashamed of watching porn and admit it to you, and you might think it’s good. NOT!! He still watches it, he just has an unhealthy relationship with it and it’s contributing to his low sexual self-esteem. Some men feel underneath that watching porn is bad for them, but because it’s an addiction, they still do it and suffer the consequences. And you suffer them too. If a guy acts like a shy virgin and lost boy or acts weirdly when you both talk about porn, 100% he watches it but is ashamed of it, and your sex life will absolutely suck.
He freely admits to watching porn and thinks that porn is good, in general. Self-explanatory. He hasn’t spend a minute in his life to think about his wanking habits and doesn’t see a problem at all, whether with his addiction or porn industry. If it isn’t an addiction, he shouldn’t have an issue with deleting all his porn files, right? 100% guaranteed the thought of it and your mere suggestion would make them panic/rage/react emotionally.
Sex is centred around them, and never or rarely around you. This means:

short foreplay or even lack of it entirely;

little or no interest in actively trying to find ways to please you the best way they can;

will touch your pussy within seconds or minutes from initiating and the fact that you aren’t wet will bruise his ego and he even might conclude that you’re the one with a problem;

will ask you ‘are you horny?’ as a foreplay and if you aren’t horny right there and then, they’ll watch porn to satisfy themselves without even trying to get you into the mood;

you can forget about the concept of passion and arousal build-up, he just doesn’t understand it since he is used to getting instant gratification through porn so thinks that real human sex is also like that (an instant gratification for him);

might resort to quick-fix sex toys on you to bring you to orgasm or ask you to use them on yourself before you have sex because actually trying to pleasure you through oral sex and touching ‘takes too long’, ‘is boring’, ‘you don’t react enthusiastically’ (READ: moan and scream at his every move like women in porn, so he doesn’t get an instant ego boost) or whatever other bullshit reason he might give you for not taking an interest in pleasing you;

re-enacts porn scenarios: he’ll flip you like a burger, toss you around, change positions, press your legs in an uncomfortable manner (he saw that it looks good on porn in the camera, but in real life, for example pinning your legs behind your head is just uncomfortable and ridiculous), will be rough like men in porn, will want to dominate you, will do a porn inspired cringey dirty talk, jackhammer you dry... Basically you’ll feel like an object used for his and only his orgasm (unless you’re one of those ‘lucky’* ladies who can orgasm from PIV alone);

*’lucky’, because it’s a curse too: you might get an orgasm, but you’re still greatly unsatisfied with sex with porn enthusiasts and addicts but might settle for it since ‘at least you orgasm’

it might not matter to him whether he wanks or has sex with you. Both are about his pleasure, not yours. So he won’t be upset when you’re refusing sex, he can just wank and it’s fine too;

he is used to women in porn being aroused and ready whenever he is, so he translates that to real life and is disappointed that sex and your pleasure takes effort and therefore he might be more interested in porn since it’s easier and you will think that something is wrong with you;

on the other hand, he might be very upset that you don’t want to have sex with him right now when he wants it, because he is used to women ‘giving it to him’ in porn;

in general, he views sex as something that happens to women or that he does it to women rather than thinking that women are active participants with their own likes, preferences, desires etc. (porn misogyny);

As a results of his porn addiction or porn watching habits, your sex life will suffer and you’ll be very unsatisfied on a long run. It took me a long time to accept that even light porn use leads to some of the issues I mentioned above as it skews men’s perception of sex. I tried not to mention things mentioned already.

These are the problems I have ALL experienced in the span of the last 8 years with men addicted to porn. The sad thing is that there were only 3 of them, and it caused so many issues in the intimacy and sex in the relationships. Of course, they didn’t see it as issues - they rarely do.

I love intimate, connected, passionate sex with loads of chemistry, teasing, kissing, kindness and genuine interest in mutual pleasure. I do not love 2 minute fingering followed by 10 minutes of jackhammering. I’ve honestly lost hope that in my generation there is a man who isn’t fucked up by porn. It makes me extremely sad because I do want to have good sex. My first partner was like that, before the era of a widespread Internet porn. I just don’t know if it’s possible anymore since even these men who didn’t watch porn as teenagers have been watching it now throughout their 20s and 30s and it makes them bad, bad lovers. It genuinely makes me want to cry and I feel defeated and depressed.

cat_lio · 2021-05-24T22:16:35+00:00

You're describing my ex 😯🥶

Edit: Actually, all of my exes 🤯

Sonofabiscochito · 2021-05-24T22:09:07+00:00

‘#’ 6. He gropes you or touches you without any permission or context. I absolutely lost it one time because my ex grabbed my ass while I was cooking. This type of entitlement and objectification is a clear sign of porn addiction.

trawid2016 · 2021-05-24T22:48:37+00:00

I would add says things during sexual activity like "oh you look so good right now, if only I had a camera." No.

Also if their browsers are always wiped clean.

SmallBunny0 · 2021-05-25T02:26:09+00:00

Saving this for future reference

valleycupcake · 2021-05-25T07:17:20+00:00

I wish I had known this before I wasted 7 years of my life on a PA. He even told me he was an addict and I married him anyway, wanting to be supportive of his “effort”. 🤮

__kamikaze__ · 2021-05-25T00:42:46+00:00

He mentions Reddit.

OK I realize it sounds like a double standard since we’re all on here, but every man I have met IRL who admits to using Reddit has been a red pilled misogynist. I suspect they mostly use it for p0r n, and brushing up on their PUA/red pilled philosophies.

Betty_Bottle · 2021-05-25T06:02:09+00:00

If he regularly sends you cartoons/memes depicting certain acts you have said no to. I had this from an ex, constant pics and jokes about anal/facials and swallowing. It was like he was trying to normalise it "see, people talk about it all the time, its fine"

If he takes a long time to finish, even when by himself. Same ex admitted that masturbating sometimes took over an hour. He always needed a ton of lube and loved having his balls pulled.

I won't go into the picture of the McDonalds sauce pot of semen 🤢

cherrypepsilvr · 2021-05-25T08:50:39+00:00

I've been platonic friends with a couple of guys with porn addictions (probably loads tbh, but two that I know of). In both cases, they went for girls with unbelievably good looks, despite being in one case, unhygienic, and the other case, just fuck ugly. They can be spotted in conversation by casually mentioning that a woman is fat, or something else that assumes we are all judging women on their looks all the time.

"You know how Daisy is kind of short and fat, but she's really nice?"

"...Er, 'she's really nice' is another way you could have phrased that."

They will also definitely stop talking to you at a party to thirst over another girl they've never met before. They also move really quickly, because they're used to instant gratification. They will usually like girls with big boobs, long hair and tight-fitting clothes.

They will be selfish in other ways, because they are just used to treating women as things, even if you don't realise it right away. They will casually tell you they don't like the bar you suggested so you'll be going to his favourite bar. He'll casually eat all the nachos you got to share, or if he lets you have some, he'll make a big deal about how gracious he is.

Be wary of any men who are very online. For men, the internet is basically for gaming or porn, with huge overlap. Chances are that men who are very online watch a lot of porn.

Also, there's no harm in snooping who he follows on instagram.

chadicalfeminist · 2021-05-25T02:43:53+00:00

I think that the symptoms of porn addiction can be broadly broken down into two categories: dysfunctional sexual behavior and dysfunctional attitudes around women and relationships.

All men objectify women to a certain degree, but in PA men that behavior is exaggerated by a medium that presents women as objects for men to use. Here are some red flags surrounding attitude:

-Having hyperspecific preferences in women. A normal man might say that he prefers blondes, that he likes curvy women, or that he's into alternative chicks. If he starts listing specific numbers (breast size, waist size) or has preferences surrounding minute parts of the body (parts that are fetishized online, like a certain appearance of the nipples or vulva), that's a red flag. It shows that he thinks of women as a collection of parts rather than complete people. He shouldn't talk about his taste in women like he's listing the specs of a computer he wants to buy.

-Objectifying women at all times: leering at strangers, commenting on women's bodies, making lewd jokes whenever women are in earshot, etc. This speaks to both an increase in objectification and to disturbed sexual boundaries. PAs tend to lose sigh of who is an appropriate target for sexual behavior and when - the world becomes their porn, essentially.

The most obvious signs, of course, will appear in the bedroom. Here are some possible red flags:

-A distant attitude during sex. You might feel like the man is barely aware that another person is in the room with him, or that he's using your body like a sex toy, essentially masturbating with your body. He might move your body around like a piece of furniture without consulting you at all.

-Recreating sex acts he clearly got from porn. Spitting on your vulva, slapping it or your breasts with the flat of his hand, cheesy porn dialogue, sex positions that only appear in porn because they expose the external genitals and not because they feel good for either party. You might get the clear feeling that he's performing for an invisible camera, thinking of a sexual encounter as a spectacle that might be viewed from a third-person perspective.

-Consent issues. Some PAs genuinely don't understand that you can't choke or spit on a woman without asking her (you shouldn't do it with her permission either, but that's another issue). They might give the defense that the women in porn seem to like it. Porn normalizes extreme and often violent sexual behavior.

-Obsession with anal sex. I really think that the current generation of men's obsession with anal comes from porn and the way that it constantly demands more and more taboo sex acts. It is not normal for a man to be more sexually interested in your asshole than your vulva.

-Interest in "sex tropes" that appear in porn, the sort of hyperspecific fetishes that have subreddits dedicated to them. That godawful "free use" post is an example of this.

-ED. Specifically, needing a lot of stimulation to get hard and needing constant stimulation to stay hard.

-Delayed ejaculation: not being able to reach orgasm without extreme stimulation or very specific stimulation. For example, a man might only be able to come using his own hand, might need to watch porn to get off, or might insist he can't finish unless he's staring directly at your asshole (I have heard that last one from MULTIPLE women!).

-Keep in mind, however, that there are some legitimate causes of sexual dysfunction. Childhood sexual trauma and SSRI medication are two. Health problems generally don't cause it unless the man is also older (40+). NB: The current craze over "low testosterone" is Reddit pseudoscience and almost no men have medically insufficient testosterone that requires hormone replacement. If a man in his 20s claims to have "low T" because he's tired all the time and can't get a boner, it's because he never exercises and is addicted to porn.

-Speaking of pseudoscience: having a curved penis is not necessarily a sign of problematic sexual behavior. Peyronie's disease is a severe, usually uncomfortable bend caused by a sudden trauma to the penis (a common one is that a man will be having sex in the cowgirl position and will slip out right before the woman slams down on his dick). It's basically what happens when a guy "breaks" his dick while it's hard. He didn't get it from jerking off unless his idea of whacking it is closing his dick in a door hinge.

daisy_0720 · 2021-05-25T18:43:12+00:00

Doesn't make eye contact during sex and feels 'distant' in general. It feels like there is no real connection or intimacy.

Is weirdly silent during sex (used to masturbating furiously in silence).

Will get up to shower immediately after sex instead of kissing/cuddling/talking in bed and appreciating the warm afterglow (this never happens in porn, so why would he bother to do any of that?)

You'll be having 'normal' sex, then he pulls a random 'move' out of nowhere that he obviously picked up from porn.

Acts weird with his phone. Either you'll never see it, he'll keep it on his person, or the screen will be facing down. It's more closely guarded than Fort Knox.

Takes forever to ejaculate or ejaculates in 30 seconds.

Sex is over after HE finishes. If you didn't orgasm from penetration, sorry, I guess you're just out of luck.

Has a general Madonna/Whore complex when it comes to women.

Uses Reddit.

Has no outdoor hobbies.

Curiousalice88 · 2021-05-25T12:04:21+00:00

Not connected. Can't look you in the eyes or buries his head. Trouble getting it up. Trouble cumming without death grip.

You stumble across his premium porn account 🤦

MadamLeFay · 2021-05-25T14:15:52+00:00

My ex-husband did all of the above AND he was cheating...

ItsFreezen · 2021-05-26T17:16:08+00:00

"He now takes his phone to the bathroom with him. Every time."

And that's why he's in the bathroom for 45 minutes plus.

triiiiiico · 2021-05-26T03:36:58+00:00

Upon first reading the title, my first guess for PA was "pickup artist", then "physical abuser", then finally "porn addict". It's crazy how many things we have to be vigilant to avoid.

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NetflixBingeQueen · 2021-05-25T02:09:23+00:00

[deleted]

Title	How to Spot a PA
Author	miphasgraceful
Upvotes	425
Comments	110
Date	May 24, 2021 9:49 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nk9di7/how_to_spot_a_pa/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-spot-a-pa.756275 https://theredarchive.com/post/756275

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