Well, just had to delete a guy from my life that I had been seeing for about 2 months, and I am really disappointed. Things had been going pretty great, if I'm being honest. He's so thoughtful, a great listener, our conversations keep me totally engaged - definitely an intellectual match. Our dates were so fun, because he took the time to actually listen to what I am interested in and catered our dates to that. He has a great job, and owns a condo in a really nice area. We had so much chemistry, and I was super attracted to him (we havent slept together but I was ready soon). He also did really nice things, like I think sometime after our 5th or 6th date, he dropped by my office on a particularly crappy morning to bring me a coffee and a treat. Last week, it snowed here, which is rare, and I didnt have a car scraper and texted him that evening that I was going to have to scrape my windshield with an old Tupperware lid - in the morning he drove to my house to scrape my windshield and give me a kiss before driving away. Fuck, this is making me sad.

Anyways, tonight he invited me over to cook me a nice dinner. I hadn't been to his place before and made it clear that I wouldn't be staying over or anything, as I have kids at home bla bla. He was completely fine with that. I went over, had an amazing time as usual. After we finished eating, he took our plates into the kitchen to tidy up and start dessert, aaaaand he left his phone on the table. I looked. And of-fucking-course, his browser history is absolutely packed with porn. It looks like he was watching porn right before I arrived, ffs. As soon as I saw it my heart literally sank so hard and my chest actually hurt. The disappointment was so, so real. I felt like an absolute fool for sitting in my house, doing my makeup & hair, painstakingly picking an outfit & jewelry, excitedly thinking about him...meanwhile he's sitting at home jerking off to someone else?? Not to mention the porn included what I think was a camsite (looked it up when I got home) so possibly he pays camgirls? And he was looking at NSFW subreddits and shit where he's actually commenting on all the pictures, I guess trying to interact with them? I'm literally floored and so pissed off and so hurt.

As soon as I felt my heart drop and that familiar sharp pain in my chest of disappointment and betrayal, I knew I couldn't justify this shit for him, look past it, or pretend I didn't see it. I am so, SO sick of pretending I'm not a person with needs just so a man can be happy. I'm fucking sick of accepting scraps because that is all that literally every man has to offer.

Ladies, I literally just put his phone down on the table and fucking walked out the God damned door. I got to my car and drove off. I cried the whole way home, while my bluetooth was blowing up from him trying to call and text. He has literally no idea what happened, he keeps asking me if there was an emergency. I almost texted him back telling him what I saw on his phone, but realized he would just make me out to be the crazy one because PoRn Is NoRmAl. So I blocked & deleted him. And now I'm just sitting here pretty fucking sad. Not just about this one particular guy, because I didn't know him all that well yet, but just everything in general. The way men are. The things women are expected to accept if they want a relationship. The realization that I may never have the relationship that I want, because men might be too broken. I know I can and will be happy alone, but the realization that the only type of relationships that women can have are ones in which they settle....? It's a tough pill to swallow right now.