What are your dealbreakers?

throwaway23004345 · 2020-12-24T22:56:34+00:00

Along with what everyone else mentioned I don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t like to read/learn. I’m not saying you have to be the biggest bookworm but you should atleast enjoy reading

Skittleschild02 · 2020-12-25T01:31:48+00:00

1) Anti Covid-19- Seriously, if he believes that the virus is fake and this is just government trying to control us, I’m running like hell. That’s too much crazy for me.

2) Negative- Life sucks. You’re going have to good and bad days. If you’re always complaining about how much your life sucks, go to therapy. I’m not a therapist

3) Dismissive. Don’t do it. If I can give listen to your point of view, I want the same respect too. Your word is not final, motherfucker

4) Captain Save a hoe. Let some of your female friends drown. You don’t need to be their hero every time something goes wrong in their life.

5) Lack of communication. If you can’t open your fucking mouth to talk like a fucking adult, carry your ass on, sir. I don’t have time for it.

6) Disrespecting my job. Don’t ever utter that my job is not important. I will end them on the fucking spot because worked my ass off to keep it. I am going to continue to do so with or without anybody by my side.

7) Racist. Not even up for discussion.

8) Sexist. Again, not for discussion

9) Breeder. Meaning he has multiple children from different relationships. Cannot do it.

10) Jobless. I’m not raising you. Run along to your mama.

Maude2010 · 2020-12-24T23:03:10+00:00

Controlling, narcissistic, religious, separated, recently divorced or otherwise on the rebound, poor hygiene, addicted to drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, porn, gaming or gambling, bad temper, and someone who never reads.

LocationCritical8937 · 2020-12-25T00:42:31+00:00

Aside from the obvious ones (abusive, racist, misogynist etc):

-Low emotional intelligence. Nuff said.

-Poor etiquette and tactless. This goes hand in hand with low emotional intelligence. I simply cannot stand men who cannot conduct themselves with class, respect, and dignity in social situations. Lack of manners makes me 🤮

-Selfish/inconsiderate

-Grown man version of a "Class clown" type/obviously starved for attention.

-Poor listener and communicator

Excessive drinking and/or smoking. Having a beer after work or drinking socially is fine, but that's about it.

-Potheads. I don't mean occasional use, I mean if it is a regular part of their life.

-Passive. I like assertive, take charge men who don't wait for others to initiate things and are very self directed. This does not mean aggressive men who display toxic machismo.

No long term goals or ambitions. You have to be growth minded.

-Poor grammar/spelling.

-Doesn't read or have any interest in learning or having intelligent conversations.

-Poor hygiene

-Filthy home

-Doesn't like kids and animals

-Too much of a loner. I get that some people are naturally homebodies (myself included), but you do need a few friends lol.

Shorter than me

-Dresses poorly. No you don't have to dress like a Calvin Klein model, but at least make some effort.

-Watches porn or follows half naked women

I could go on for days lol.

repurposedschleem · 2020-12-24T22:36:54+00:00

27 for reference.

I love this question! My therapist asked me once, months ago, and I remember replying a very timid “...doesn’t hit me? Call me names?”

And she looked...pretty sad...for the first time in our relationship. “No, that’s not a dealbreaker, that’s abuse. That’s not even bare minimum. You deserve so much more than just ‘not being hit.’”

So I tried again and came up with:

dirty bathroom/sheets/home
lives with ex
“dead end” job
bad hygiene
no goals
no friends
no hobbies outside “gaming”
smokes weed excessively or drinks excessively (absolutely no tobacco)
has children (I REFUSE to be a stepmother as a childless twenty-something)
more than 10 years older, younger than 21

This limits my dating pool quite a bit as in my rural area the top hobbies seem to be chewing tobacco and making babies before 25. But it’s worth it, before my hiatus, I went on Quality Dates, until I got taken in by Situationship. 😵

_RustInPiece_ · 2020-12-25T00:55:35+00:00

Additionally to all the already named DB:

doesn't wash his hands after toilet and after coming home
needs to be reminded of a basic task more the once if I'm generous (in dubio pro reo first time, but thats it)
disrepects my boundarys at least on time
no consistent effort
has sexist friends
takes another partys side in an public argument
doesn't stand up for me
stays in contact with toxic in-laws
plays dows my arguments instead of understanding it (doesn't matter if he SAYS he WANTS to understand, it matters if he DOES. If not, we aren't compatible)
needs to be told how my body works sexually
doesn't like pets and animals
fan of CoMuNiCaTiOn instead of listening and respecting
doesn't value my presence
doesn't do sports or works out to stay fit
brings in his mommy/ex in an argument
and last but not least: can't read my mind. Yes, I said it. Many men are smart and if they have their focus right they even know something is wrong before I do. And I don't even need to be in the same room as them. I'm equally sensitive and when he can't keep up it's not gonna work. Period.

If you think that's high maintainance then damn, you're right B)

squaremarshmallow · 2020-12-24T22:53:03+00:00

-Cheating. -Anti social behavior -Disrespect -Abuse of any form -Immaturity ( covers bad hygiene, financial irresponsibility, inability to take care of oneself) -Inconsistency -Non provider mentality -Misogyny of any kind -Vices eg drug habit, gambling, porn addiction -Shorter than me. -Unpacked life baggage - Children

annrike1 · 2020-12-24T23:21:45+00:00

My dealbreakers are:

Video games is his main hobby
sexist (even sexist "jokes")
has children
drug dealer
obese
shorter than me
bad hygiene
yellow teeth
stays up at night, sleeps at daytime
workships Ellen Musk
hunchback
does not make me orgasm
micro penis
does not want to learn/educate himself

veniphyl · 2020-12-24T23:26:24+00:00

Keeping contact with ex, Having kids, Being against science, Being patronizing, Can't cook and clean, Having no career and a stable life, Having partner who passed away, Having mental disorders, Not generous etc.

I can go on but I'm gonna stop for now

SilverYayFern · 2020-12-24T23:55:30+00:00

Honestly? So many things. There is a lot of discussion on FDS about red flags. There are seemingly-small events/signs that reflect his mindset or are likely to escalate. There are also things that aren't bad but that simply make him incompatible with me or uninteresting to me. I'm okay with that because most emotionally healthy people marry once or twice in their lifetime. Being picky is emotionally healthy.

ETA: I should say, most emotionally healthy people marry 0-2 times. There are plenty of emotionally healthy people who do not marry (mostly women).

tellmesomething11 · 2020-12-25T00:35:06+00:00

Mine are:

Cheating
expecting me to pay 50/50
does not own a credit card
no car
smokes cigarettes
heavily in debt
has 2 or more baby mamas
does drugs
does not cook
lives with an ex
poor dresser
terrible kisser
flirtatious w anyone but me
Uses the word “money” towards me with a question mark in it. Such as “Could I borrow some money?”

I haven’t decided if having children are a dealbreaker or not. They were a dealbreaker for many years, but now I have kids. It’s more that I like lots of kids, and I’m not sure if I want to give birth again. (I have twins, only been pregnant once) So I’m undecided if a blended family would satisfy that.

Suspicious-Leg-1407 · 2020-12-24T22:50:13+00:00

Addiction (porn, videogames, weed)

Laziness

chatrebelle · 2020-12-25T01:05:05+00:00

•No job •complaining about his life yet never making a change •disrespectul •gamer •slob •No productive hobbies •No future project •Not financially stable •incapacity to manage his noney •watch porn

Mcccy · 2020-12-25T00:14:35+00:00

I'm 20

I personally can't stand when anyone gets violent 'easily'. For example in sports I can't stand it when men clench and hit their fists on tables or scream at players and stuff. Makes me physically sick

Also, I really doubt I could be with a guy that doesn't have manners/tidiness habits. Instant dealbreaker for me

ChocolateBiscuit96 · 2020-12-25T01:06:28+00:00

Dishonesty, cheating, and the like
A man with kids bc wtf I look like 😂
No college degree or vocational training
Bad/no teeth
inconsistent
cheap
Broke
Doesn’t take initiative
makes excuses
shorter than me. I’m pretty tall so good luck lol
low-paying job, like less than 35K-ish a year

Softrito · 2020-12-24T23:05:08+00:00

Negging and superiority complexes.

livelyfire4 · 2020-12-25T00:20:18+00:00

For me it's not listening, not hearing me, not trying to understand me etc....I hate being dismissed, disrespect, entitlement, laziness

SarcasmSlide · 2020-12-24T22:49:35+00:00

Is “Y-chromosome” an acceptable answer?

inventivesquid · 2020-12-25T00:03:11+00:00

I had a guy ask my deal breakers and I replied “why would I just hand you the playbook?” His reply was “to save time.” So here it is for you ladies :)

-kids

-dead end job

-no education

-still living with parents (unless in the rare instance he is caring for them in their old age, or some other reasonable reason)

-no tangible short or long term goals

-sexist

-racist

-messy house/car

-no hobbies

-shitty friends (guilt by association!)

-criminal record

-poor diet or lifestyle choices (excessive smoking, drinking)

-makes less than me (I’m still able to earn a living with the patriarchy working against me. I want a man of similar ambition to me, so he should be able to make more than me given his lack of sex-based barriers)

For the scrote lurkers: notice I didn’t bring up looks once! I don’t have much of an archetype I go for, so hair or height aren’t hard-set deal breakers for me. Us ladies are looking for substance, but y’all aren’t ready for that conversation

thinktwiceorelse · 2020-12-25T00:08:20+00:00

sexist, lazy, antisocial, awful lover, boring, drugs, alcohol, bad with money, silent treatments, can't keep his word, disrespect, doesn't have morals

HoneyBouquet · 2020-12-24T22:31:18+00:00

Practising Muslim

Shorter than me (I'm 5"4)

Overweight men

Smoking

Drinking

Any kind of drugs

Bad at communucation

Inconsiderate of others

Direspectful of other women

Slobby/too casual dress sense

Watching porn

Lack of intellectual discussion

Dorkamus_Rex · 2020-12-24T22:20:45+00:00

Today, I decided to make a list of my dealbreakers in my phone. I’m 34 years old for reference.

Here are some I’ve got so far...

Has a filthy home
Has poor hygiene
No established credit
Plays video games
Excessively drinks, smokes cigarettes or vapes
Stays up all hours of the night
Workaholic (one guy literally said “I’ll schedule our date in my Google calendar” LOL. How about no?)

ETA (things like cheating, lying, abuse— absolute 100% dealbreakers aka DBs)

ETA - Emotionally unavailable - Irresponsible with money - Follows hundreds of insta-hoes - 30+ year old men who have Snapchat or TikTok

ShoshannaDreyfus · 2020-12-25T00:22:54+00:00

Watches porn, has no hobbies, has no friends, overbearing mother, overweight, uses drugs, lack of education, part of the woke brigade, unemployed.

loleetahaze · 2020-12-25T01:16:25+00:00

Gamers- I don't want someone whose days consist of gaming-sleep-gaming Guys who watch porn(especially those who proclaim it loudly and make those cringe 'stepbro/stepsis' jokes) aka coomers- they are depraved creatures who will try to pressure you into doing things because they saw them in porn and most have limp dicks. Avoid like the plague Dirty apartment/house- I don't want to be someone's maid Rude Lazy, doesn't do any chores- again, I don't want to be a manchild's maid Has kids- not interested in being a stepmom and baby momma drama Poor grooming and hygiene habits Drinks excessively or does drugs Polyamory/non-monogamy- 'do you want to be my bangmaid and do all the things a relationship entails while I fuck other people?'

ferociouslycurious · 2020-12-25T02:44:54+00:00

Doesn’t like animals. Isn’t very tolerant. Creepy about how he likes animals. Lacks a career. Sits around and drinks/games/plays on phone/any other time waster. Doesn’t ask me about my day. Doesn’t hear/listen to my answer. Dirty house. Doesn’t cook well. Conservative politics. Catholic. Voted for Trump. Homophobic. Hasn’t read a book recently. Watches porn (that’s a new one, back when I was younger porn wasn’t as horrific as it is now). Hasn’t got health insurance. Hasn’t got a retirement plan. You know....pretty much at this point, being male is a dealbreaker 😂

Sherbert-Trick · 2020-12-25T00:32:24+00:00

Mine were: has children, is bald or balding, has less than a master’s degree, is separated or recently divorced, is a renter, doesn’t know how to drive a stick shift and make repairs around the house, is less than 6’, has bad teeth, doesn’t have a career or a decent income, keeps ex-girlfriends close, has paid for sex, abuses drugs or alcohol, has poor grammar, can’t hold an intelligent conversation, uses social media a lot, doesn’t do things like make dentist appointments and renew his car registration on time, obese, religious, Republican, pro-life, plays video games, is obsessed with football, uses tobacco, has less than stellar hygiene or a dirty home, is more than 10 years older, is stingy. There are probably more I’m forgetting.

Before the scrotes flip their collective wigs, I’m happily married to someone who meets all of these standards and more.

Mella_20 · 2020-12-25T02:55:28+00:00

Religious

Children

Short tempered

Cheated in the past

Shorter than me, or short for that matter

Cheap

50/50

Dead wife/gf (the baggage that comes with it is unbearable)

Age gap

Doesn't groom himself

Lacks self awareness

Hates feminism

Coward (slave to other peoples opinions)

Mamas boy

No job

Porn

Has ever slept with a prostitute

Goes to strip clubs

Doesn't have a strong male friendship

Treats "girly" things (movies, shows, activities) like they are inferior simply for being girly

Lacking empathy

Not handsome to me

Smoking/drugs

Small dick

Non monogamy

Feels the need to post his entire life on social media

Overly sentimental

Chillody · 2020-12-25T01:40:46+00:00

Porn addicted
Mean to people in retail and hospitality, mean to people in general
Racist
Sexist
Has an unpleasant, authoritative tone with me when he's mad
Posts too dang much on social media, trying to be seen
Spends too much time on social media
Spends too much time gaming
Goes through life without having a relationship with God
Would rather try out physical things on me just to see if I'd allow it, even as simple as a hug, instead of asking me first
Lack of hygiene and moisturizing
Isn't working on himself (counseling, mentorship)
Has no ambition
Has no job

ladyyninjaa · 2020-12-24T23:40:30+00:00

Plays video games

Time_Attention_1182 · 2020-12-25T05:27:31+00:00

unhealthy/ overweight and bad eating and exercise habits
complains and had a victim mindset , blames others for his issues
smoking or drinking more than occasionally: addicted to any substance
religious ( this is the only way to be saved/go to heaven/ be right )
also, it’s a deal breaker if he s not well off or if he s not very comfortable financially with an abundant mindset .

Edited to add: he must enjoy reading books and proactively seek to expand his mind

2020-12-25T07:07:02+00:00

Oh my, where do I start. The biggest deal breaker is wanting to have children. I'm child free, I don't want children. I ask this question early on an if an answer isn't same as mine, I say goodbye. I don't waist time with men who want kids.

Others:

gaming,

anti social behavior,

has snapchat, instagram

starts commenting on my appearance,

lives with his mom,

any form of abuse,

lazy,

doesn't put effort, expects me to plan our dates,

50/50 mentally,

thinks taking care of himself is gay,

poor dresser ,

doesn't like animals,

watches porn,

sex addiction,

smokes weed,

age gap,

sexists,

religious,

jobless entrepreneur,

makes a lot of empty promises,

always late(this one gets under my skin, I find it very disrespectful, since I was raised to value other people's time& commitments)

Thattonertho · 2020-12-25T07:28:10+00:00

Butt stuff. His butt, my butt. Just no.

fourleafcloveraddict · 2020-12-25T03:46:56+00:00

Obviously a lot of the previous replies apply for me, however an additional deal breaker for me is not having a personal sense of style. It’s not okay to walk around in a jeans-and-tshirt-uniform every day, like seriously dude are you 10 years old? Also related: letting your mother buy your clothes as an adult. No way sir.

spoonxxm · 2020-12-25T06:18:03+00:00

Besides the obvious ones... he can’t be religious, especially muslim and he can‘t do drugs (weed, alcohol etc)

newyorktoaustin19 · 2020-12-25T02:23:47+00:00

Ooooo I like this!

-older than 30, younger than 24 -roommates -workaholic -using their phone around me, for any reason other than both of us wanting to search something or there being a true emergency -inconsistent communication -smoking, including weed or vaping -no friends -drinking alone, weekday drinking, inability to have fun without drinking -owning a pet they don’t take impeccable care of, or spend time and invest money to train -preciously married -not paying on dates

spicyspa · 2020-12-25T04:40:58+00:00

It might be better to ask me what aren't my deal breakers because it's a much shorter list.

mysecretdiary2 · 2020-12-25T04:55:38+00:00

The thing I would immediately break up for: disrespect

Momerathparade · 2020-12-25T07:33:51+00:00

Kids from a previous relationship
Porn use
Masturbation (very few circumstances are okay imo--if I'm on a trip for two weeks for example) instead of sex.
Being a yeller in arguments instead of helping fix the issue or find middle ground.
"Compromise, but only on your side" attitude
Doesn't propose after 3 years.
Being a cheater. Current, former, whatever.
Not nice or understanding.

My ex did all of these. I learned the hard way what I don't want in a man. Current man though? Opposite of all this, goes all out for gifts, out of his way for weekly flowers/my favorite treats, and has more consideration in the tip of his pinky nail than my ex did in his entire nody.

idestroythingsfora- · 2020-12-25T13:25:24+00:00

Unempathetic. And not just to my own feelings. He should care about other people and animals, and should be naturally helpful and sympathetic to people/animals in need.

Thinks my beliefs/standards/religion are up for debate or that his opinion on them matters. (Or has an opinion on them that disagrees with mine. I don't want to spend my life with someone who disagrees with my beliefs. I get people have different opinions, but I'm under no obligation to marry someone whose opinion on something so important to me is so different.)

Thinks making fun of others is "humor". I don't think an explanation is needed tbh.

Talks about our discussions (negatively, yk what I mean. Like in a disrespectful way.) with his friends or family.

Is disrespectful to minorities.

Rude to waiters/cashiers/other servers or minimum wage workers.

Doesn't interfere if he sees someone being harrassed.

Freaking video games.

Doesn't like to read/learn, or makes fun of people who do.

Has a big ego! If he doesn't give me a turn while we're talking, or if everything he says is put in a monologue, that's a no.

Debates me. There's a different between a discussion and a debate. A guy who debates every little thing I say is so exhausting to be around.

Makes fun of other girls, or makes comments about them. No explanation needed here.

Has a history of abusing people or animals, or substance abuse.

Drinks, smokes, or does drugs.

Unhygienic! I can't believe this needs to be said.

Of course, there are wayyy more, but yeah. Here's a sample lmao.

missmadeofpain · 2020-12-25T04:28:11+00:00

Seeing all these kind of really hits home how much work I’ve got to do on myself. I’m similar to another poster in that I really didn’t have much more than the bare minimum on my list. Good driving (which is rare), and no weed/drugs, I think were the big ones...and otherwise it was no abuse/cheating. I’ll have to think about this and zero in on some more. I’ve been learning a lot from FDS and my eyes are open.

PinkestMango · 2020-12-25T15:34:30+00:00

- porn use

- not being mine 100% - that means a person who fantasies about others is, to me, an unfaithful person.

-Huge interest in Asia, specifically Japan, as well as anime consumption, is really alarming if the guy is a white westerner.

-misogyny

-TWAW

-religions of all kind

- no motivation or ambition

- meeting up like nothing is wrong during COVID19, being anti masker and generally into conspiracies

-wants to have children

Twolipz_78 · 2020-12-25T02:54:09+00:00

Living with an ex for any reason at all especially when she posts them on social media to “make you angry” or what-the-fuck-ever! I’m sure there are many others but I can’t think of any right now as just typing that gave me a damn aneurysm!

miss_peach94 · 2020-12-25T03:44:44+00:00

Smoking weed /being out every night all night, being up his friends a**holes (cos you know when the day comes he will put them before you), being stingy/cheap, obsessed with porn, being too touchy feely, talking about other girls he finds attractive, calling his exes 'crazy', calling women sluts

Express_Chocolate_60 · 2020-12-25T09:02:56+00:00

Poor hygiene, filthy apartment, not treating me with respect, lying, being a smart-ass, lazy, not having a job, the 50's slave wife - modern women combo mentality, doesn't look after me if i'm sick, expect me to do everything, doesn't put effort into gifts, trips, dates, not motivated, not having hobbies, poor fashion taste, game addict, not supportive, uneducated, doesn't read, doesn't clean up after himself or always trying to start a fight with me.

galian84 · 2020-12-25T16:40:15+00:00

*Hyper-religious

*Porn use/OF user/follows half naked women or porn stars on social media

*Smoker (cigarettes...hate the smell/taste and I have asthma. I don’t mind weed if it’s used occasionally or for medicinal purposes)

*Children from a previous relationship

*Eats like shit, is a slob, doesn’t work out

*Emotionally immature or avoidant

*Can’t or won’t cook or clean or split the chores

*Alcoholics and workaholics

Of course cheating and abuse but that goes unsaid!

Microwave79 · 2020-12-25T20:24:51+00:00

Being misogynistic, controlling, having anger issues, jobless, disrespectful, having negging/gaslighting tactics, having insufficient communication, no respecting my hobbies.

brewcitygrl · 2020-12-25T03:35:33+00:00

Mine: shift work (nights and weekends), dirty home (especially the bathroom and bed linens), don’t take care of their pets or clean up after them when they have behavioral issues (and ignore treating those issues with medication), lets their dad do their house and yard work, excessive talking about the recent ex or displaying their things, staying up really late and sleeping past noon, emotional coldness, inability to process other viewpoints (there’s a difference between hearing and actually understanding), stonewalling, even slight hoarding, excessive video gaming, smoking weed regularly, chronic lateness, inconsistency, lack of a degree, poor grammar and spelling, and not wanting to get to know my family. Because I have an awesome family that I like to hang out with!

Edit: Add in bad driving, snoring, and a general attitude of “figure it out yourself” when dealing with relationship issues.

Thejasminedragon1215 · 2020-12-25T14:56:05+00:00

No porn use

No insta wh0re ogling

No checking out other women

No anime

No video games

Must eat healthy

Must work out but not be a gym rat

Must be a polite gentleman

Must be clean and hygienic

No drug use of any kind

Good with finances

Taller than 5'7

Must be slim

Must be cute in the face

Must not dress like a slob

2020-12-25T14:02:57+00:00

OH and if they are grown men on Snapchat or TikTok. I CANNOT. I’m 34... so I literally cringe when a guy asks me for my Snap.

frogchickenhorse · 2020-12-25T19:30:09+00:00

Can’t spell or use punctuation, no self care (diabetes), racist, sexist, thinks jokes about gay people or blonde jokes are funny, argues for the sake of arguing with you, bad sex with no foreplay, lack of communication, no respect for people or things they own, negging, ghosting, tone of voice, don’t like animals, no job, no car, not kind to anyone, plays video games all the time, drinks everyday, smokes, drugs, no daily showers/teeth, hoarding, maintenance of mental health, or own hobbies or interests. Also trim your damn toe nails, take care of your feet. Instant turn off.

Title	What are your dealbreakers?
Author	chicky173
Upvotes	137
Comments	121
Date	December 24, 2020 10:15 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kjnxxb/what_are_your_dealbreakers/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-are-your-dealbreakers.730447 https://theredarchive.com/post/730447

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