What Do You Guys Think About People Playing Matchmaker?

iguanidae · 2021-12-12T14:42:57+00:00

I definitely don't trust men playing matchmaker, sounds like he's just trying to get his relative laid and picked his co-worker's daughter as a good enough option. Ew.

Inspection-Critical · 2021-12-12T15:13:42+00:00

I have never had a blind date work out. In my experience, people think because you're a single woman who's breathing, you're a perfect fit for their loser buddy who sucks with women. I've had this happen several times.

This co-worker hasn't said WHY he thinks you'd be a fit for his cousin. It's not like you have so much in common with the guy, or he'd say so, and how would he know anyway? He's only met you twice! Sounds like the cousin doesn't even know you exist either.

So my money's on "desperate to hook his cousin up with any available woman."

Counter story: My sister met her fiancé through a blind date. HOWEVER, those mutual friends had known both of them a long time and knew she and fiancé had a lot in common.

If your situation isn't like that, I wouldn't bother.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-12-12T14:06:12+00:00

People peddling their trash/LVM onto you. Hard pass.

scorchedsouI · 2021-12-12T13:46:37+00:00

Weird as fuck. There's plenty of young men out there you could easily meet, this kind of set-up could only serve the interests of a male who can't organically meet women.

bleda_princezna · 2021-12-12T13:50:45+00:00

I've always refused if a friend of mine offered to set me up with someone (in her case I was 100% sure he'd be LV though, since she had exceptionally shitty male friends, often predators using her for her caring, but very naive nature).

But even if I wasn't sure, I'd feel icky about being set up with a guy that literally put zero effort in pursuing me. I definitely wouldn't go to a date with a guy I've never had any contact with. Even on OLD you'd spend a few days chatting to get a feel of the person in order to decide.

Someone telling you they know a single guy in your age group is not a reason enough to sacrifice your day to get ready and see them. That's a lot of investment. And who is this guy that he needs someone else to get him a date? Why can't he get one himself? Why doesn't he hang out with friends and meet their friends? (Aka what's so wrong with him, noone seems to want him?)

PeanutButterPigeon85 · 2021-12-12T14:57:22+00:00

The last time I was set up, I was sexually assaulted so...I'm not a fan. I found out afterwards that the friend who set me up knew that the guy had some serious issues, but in her mind, the only criteria needed for matching two people was single/single. Unfortunately, I believe there are a lot of other would-be matchmakers who think the same way.

At the very least, if you do go on the date, treat it the same as you would if you went out with a rando that you met on the subway. Don't assume that they're nice or even sane just because you were specially introduced. Make sure you meet in public, don't let him know where you live, etc., etc.

donttextme_k · 2021-12-12T15:00:17+00:00

I have heard family friends that did that, haven’t heard any that turned out well or happy. Advice from my family was that decent guys have no problem finding their own relationships and they rather do that. Most happy relationships I’ve seen came from couples finding each other on their own

OldWestStyle · 2021-12-12T17:56:52+00:00

Last night at the bar I was talking to a lady about a niche hobby that I have. We were talking about all sorts of stuff and she found out I was single. So she told me about a friend of hers who was super handsome, single, really smart and had the same niche hobby and that we should meet!

I said, don't know. Tell me more about him. And she told me he is 70!! SEVENTY. I'm 35, like are you serious??? And another lady at a nearby table was listening and she leans over and says "well I bet he has a nice retirement account, I say go for it!". Barf!! I said I'm done dating old guys (my ex husband was older) and my next one will be a younger man!

Itsknowntohappen · 2021-12-12T13:51:14+00:00

I consider it overstepping. I’ve had colleagues, neighbors, friends, etc try to set me up and I’ve always declined. My romantic life isn’t up for grabs for others to be involved in.

I’ve found a lot of people will say things like, “oh he’ll just love you!” And it’s like, well duh. I’m hot, have my life in order, a successful career.

What these people never consider is if I’ll like the guy or if I even WANT a guy in my life right now. They just bypass that whole part.

I’m not putting myself in a situation to reject a dude who I never even wanted in the first place. That’s literally insane to me lol

lolmemberberries · 2021-12-12T16:12:16+00:00

For me, it raises the question as to why a third party is trying to facilitate an outing between me and that person. Is it because I am a good fit for this person and this is an opportunity to see that or is it because there's something wrong with this person that they cannot go out and date people without someone else's help?

JulyParade · 2021-12-12T16:34:43+00:00

It used to be my fantasy that my friends and family would find someone I'm compatible with and set us up because it's a big world and the odds of finding a compatible HVM on my own seemed low. And then the set ups began - BARF. Now I let people know up front that I am judging them hard by the quality of men they try to introduce. Of course they will back tf up and say how much they don't actually know this person. Ok, if you don't know him why introduce him? Because in this world two singles make a couple and that should tell you everything you need to know about the quality of their relationships.

Go with your instinct and don't do it. If he's a great guy why does he need a set up? I don't set people up, I just invite them to parties and make sure they get introduced and know they have things in common. It's up to them if they want to be alone together.

Professional-Ad-457 · 2021-12-12T13:52:11+00:00

When friends have done this for me the man has thought it was all my idea and they expected me to chase! In their minds you have asked them out and they put you in the desperate category.

NonaOrganic · 2021-12-12T15:22:12+00:00

I have never had a good experience being set up. How to explain … in the end I’ve felt it was insidious. The “match-maker” always ended up admitting they knew I was out of the guy’s league and/or a guy I would never date. We were set us up b/c I’d be a good catch/influence/ideal for the guy.

And one “friend” admitted it was b/c she felt my standards were high and my standards made her feel bad about herself (she literally told me this), so she wanted to hook me up w/one of her LVM’s friend so we could all hang out together and she and I be on the same level.

Basically I’ve never been set up in a date for my interests. Always an alternative motive that had nothing to do with what would be good for me.

BUT, that’s just a consideration, I have heard of ppl being set up & it being legit.

purasangria · 2021-12-12T16:46:11+00:00

The few times I've experienced this, it's usually someone's dumbass relative or friend that they're trying to marry off, and one soon finds out why.

europoor24 · 2021-12-12T16:55:27+00:00

The fact is, he'll have put in ZERO effort into getting a date with you that will translate into future disrespect. No no no, if your family thinks he should get a chance one of them should date him.

AphoticEnigma_ · 2021-12-12T17:50:43+00:00

So last month I visited an old elementary classmates house because she was getting married, anyways her mom randomly tells me that she has wedding CVs of grooms if I’m interested to look at (these are CVs her daughter rejected), I politely decline and say “I don’t need those” with a smile, like dear god not everyone wants to get married before they turn 30, some of us have other goals and even if I did want to get married I wouldn’t be picking my husband via cringey CVs

Novemberinthechair · 2021-12-12T21:39:22+00:00

Have experience with that. Don't do it. They saw you're attractive and want to feed you to an awkward male acquaintance/relative who can't find dates on his own. Blow it off. They don't care what you want. Don't listen to your mom. She was probably victimized too and thinks it's a rite of passage. She was probably nagged too. Being nice doesn't have to be a priority for a woman. It can get us killed, raped or domestically abused. Read "The Gift of Fear."

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-12-12T17:13:31+00:00

I’m usually game to meet new people, but sometimes my intuition is triggered and I just don’t want to go. I can’t help but wonder if something Inc your subconscious picked up something about your dad’s coworker, and you just don’t want to get entangled.

Even if your reasons are much simpler, you still don’t owe coworker of his cousin anything. At the very least, it could mess with your dad’s working relationship. Maybe approach it from that angle if your parents won’t leave you alone about it?

mitskiismygf · 2021-12-12T22:34:25+00:00

Match matching is almost always for the benefit of the guy. Usually a guy who either can’t get a date in the league of the woman he’s being set up with his own or can’t get a date period.

The only time I go hard playing matchmaker is with non het couples

w0rmsongs · 2021-12-12T20:27:39+00:00

Lmao an acquaintance wanted to set me up with her brother when she found out I was single. Turned out after some questioning that he was a struggling actor with no car who drinks too much. 🙃 it was fucking insulting and I haven't spoken to her again.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2021-12-12T14:34:16+00:00

Parents shouldn't be involved in your dating life. No setups. No feedback.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-12-12T18:22:45+00:00

Just ignore. Say "no, thank you.", turn around and walk away.

l3arngr0w · 2021-12-12T16:19:01+00:00

This is how I ended up in a bad marriage, just no.

poison_snacc · 2021-12-12T21:41:10+00:00

Men usually do this to their single female family members because they think women shouldn’t be single and that there is something deficient about a woman being alone. They don’t like to see their daughter/sister/etc single for a variety of reasons like they feel sorry for them, they are “concerned” (aka believe they’re incapable or unsafe alone), they think they’ll bring shame to the family (in non western cultures), they want you to be “taken care of” etc. Sometimes they don’t really have any good reason; it’s just that they are so steeped in heteronormative ideology based in LVM values that they simply do not understand the concept of a woman existing without a male permanently hanging around. They’ve never heard of it before so they take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen.

This shit is belittling, misogynistic and and shouldn’t ever be followed or taken seriously. I know that may sound dramatic but if you give in to this— it especially just to be nice— without questioning it, you are agreeing to something which will show the possibly LVM family member that you’re willing to sacrifice your morals and ideals to make him comfortable. Not to mention put yourself at risk to get involved with someone who could turn out to be at best, a total weirdo, and at worst, an abusive psycho.

Imo you’re more at risk for a general dating fiasco with a family-friend setup than with OLD because your opinion can be greatly swayed by family having had convinced you that this is a dateable guy. At least with OLD you get to go after someone who you find physically attractive, has the same interests/political views etc, or has particular qualities that are important to you in a guy (including stuff your father doesn’t necessarily know about). It could end up being a shitty person but hey, you get to vet. With a blind date like this, he’s already been vetted by male family members… just due to the fact that they’re men, and can’t understand a lot of the stuff women need to vet for, that’s a big nope in my book.

Also if you did end up dating this guy, he could get away with treating you badly— whether on a first date or much later— as your dad will be more apt to defend him rather than some random dude your dad’s never met. I know this isn’t an arranged marriage situation, but traditionally, family-led matchmaking is bad news. Just look at how many women matched with men via family end up being abused. The family of the male will of course end up protecting & defending the man, but the woman’s family may also defend the male to avoid criticism, shame, scrutiny and even financial problems.

“Don’t shit where you eat” can absolutely apply by proxy! Your father could literally be returning a favor for this guy or doing something else work-related and not have even thought the whole thing through. And if there have ever been any situations where you’ve been manipulated or gaslit by family members even in unrelated areas then you should consider it your duty to nope out entirely, flatly say no, and don’t allow the topic to ever be brought up again.

In summary, I’d pay more attention to the reasons behind the setting-up then the guy & the date itself. Think about why your father is doing this, and why your mother is agreeing with him. That’s where you’ll find the reasons not to go ahead with a set-up. Unless you previously stated to your dad that you’re looking for a guy, having a terrible time on OLD, or actually requested a blind date at some point, I would say nope, absolutely not. If any of the earlier mentioned reasons might apply to your dad or other family members, i recommend to keep it at a thanks-but-no-thanks & do not give a reason why. You don’t have to justify being a smart and savvy HVW to anyone!

Edit- thank you for the award! I love you guys.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2021-12-12T21:35:45+00:00

I have a friend who works at the same place my mom does. We are all aware of this. He’s the kindest man I know, but there are many things about him that make it so he really is in no place financially or behavior-wise to date any woman despite being kind, and I am not physically attracted to him. My mom pestered me for a long time trying to tell me I should date him. Of course, she never even considered the possibility that he and I had a mutual lack of interest in dating the other.

My mom barely understands me and is a pickme for herself as well as other women. She is desperate for me to date someone as, to her knowledge, I have not dated ever. This man is the only friend of mine she knows at all. I do not trust her opinions on much of anything, let alone romance.

I absolutely disregarded her attempt to match me with my friend.

Other than this, no one has tried to match me up with anyone.

You should consider how well your parents understand you and what you want and what their motives are and whether you trust their judgment in this category. If things are all good there with your parents, you can try it out if you want to. If not or you don’t feel like it, forego it.

jetcake · 2021-12-12T21:55:48+00:00

After a breakup, my friend told me that I needed to get back out in the dating world immediately. She went so far as to suggest a guy who her husband worked with doing bail bondsman/serving warrants. "He's a really great guy!"

I told her, "If you value our friendship, you will never set me up with anyone".

xfelugirlx · 2021-12-12T18:00:34+00:00

I find it annoying more if it is some pickme giving u her lvm male friend, is something so pushy that people do like they are engaged to make it work even if you dislike the person

Gallaballatime1 · 2021-12-12T17:57:05+00:00

Some of my friends and family members try to set me up with LVMs, even though they know I have high standards.

My best friend though will only set me up with rich, educated and good men. So whenever she recommends a guy I never say no and I give it a try.

I don’t think it’s bad if you go for a look. Just so you know what type of person he’s trying to set you up with. You can also ask for more information about the guy. What does he do, his background etc.

spicyspa · 2021-12-13T05:56:16+00:00

My neighbor constantly does this with her daughter who is in her mid twenties, pretty but has severe epilepsy so she relies on her mother for the time being.

Every where she goes, if she meets an attractive her daughter's age, she pulls out her phone and shows pictures of her. She says that biblically a woman a should never chase which I agree with for practical reasons. But here she is chasing on behalf of her daughter.

I got caught in that net too in a weird way since her daughter and I are doing an interior design project for a neighbor. The mom was getting some materials for us, made friends with the dealer (my age) Then she started talking me up. Her daughter said she showed a picture of me.When I went to the store with the daughter, he was all "you're so nice, you should meet my wife."

Urg. I had warned that it's actually dangerous to give that info about her daughter because she's so vulnerable, and for me too. I'll get my own HVM when the moon aligns with Pluto, thank you.

23eggz · 2021-12-12T20:45:49+00:00

Trust your gut

FDS-GFY · 2021-12-13T02:40:43+00:00

I am explicit right now at this phase of my life, because I am in Recovery from a long-term relationship I just left. I tell people not to fix me up.

If you don’t want to go, say no. Period.

bepbep747 · 2021-12-13T08:13:09+00:00

Go with your gut! As you said it's going to be far more uncomfortable to reject him in person if there's no chemistry.

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-12-13T16:38:44+00:00

Nothing wrong with being set up by friends in theory. I think it’s a nice way to meet somewhat pre-vetted people. The problem is, though, that often the motivation of the matchmakers is just to help a male friend or relative who can’t get a girlfriend on his own. So they’ll set up dates accordingly to his preferences, without considering what he will bring to table or why women would want him (usually, women don’t, though occasionally there is a good guy who just moved to a new area/is getting out of a high-stress degree or job and newly has time for dating, or whatever). It seems like in this case, the set-up is not about you and what you want. So I’d treat it as such.

Title	What Do You Guys Think About People Playing Matchmaker?
Author	Angeli_33
Upvotes	238
Comments	72
Date	December 12, 2021 1:39 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rep7hu/what_do_you_guys_think_about_people_playing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-do-you-guys-think-about-people-playing.1092871 https://theredarchive.com/post/1092871

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