Why I DON’T EXPLAIN. On boundaries, disappointment, and self-shielding: You don’t have to explain to an emotionally abusive man why he isn’t allowed to hurt you anymore.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-03-21T03:25:28+00:00

A man who valued you wouldn't behave like this because he would be scared of losing you. If he's playing stupid games, he doesn't want you.

elainejay82 · 2022-03-21T03:35:33+00:00

OP you're so right.

I recently talked myself out of explaining anything at all to a dude who went hot>cold on me so I dropped him. This can be a hard habit to break since we are so trained to be this way, like you mentioned.

The conclusion I kept coming to as I mulled it over, was "Nah. He gets it. And if you CoMmuNiCaTe to him about it, all he's going to see is a chance to manipulate the situation."

When we do this, all they are hearing is, "Hey. Your shitty behavior is up for debate. I want you to change my mind."

Well, guess what? It's actually not up for debate. You fucked up.

arnezuara · 2022-03-21T03:00:47+00:00

A good man who values you would do right by you. He would try his absolute best to ensure that you feel loved, cherished, and safe. All else is smoke and mirrors.

Great post, OP. This needed to be said!

sourcircus · 2022-03-21T03:15:04+00:00

People really casually forgetting nonverbal communication is a large part of how we communicate.

You don't have to say anything, he can see you are upset/disappointed/tired/etc., he just chooses to ignore it. If you want to spin this into a more positive light, he basically struggles socially. Why put up with that?

freerollerskates · 2022-03-21T12:22:30+00:00

Exactly this. I effectively dumped my ex husband by whatsapp. Sounds pretty harsh but over the years we had so many of these conversations where I would be upset and he would say "we just need to communicate more" or "we just need to be nicer to each other" or "we just need to try harder". Loosely translated, that means "be a perfect wifey while I stay out all night, drink all our money, screw college students and then make it your fault when you get upset".

I did not need to have that conversation again, where I would be talked around into staying, so I made it simple. I don't want to talk about it, we're done talking, it's over. You don't need an explanation - the last ten years of our lives is the explanation.

As I say, to the average person it's like "dumped by text, whoah..." but I have literally zero regrets about that part.

masterofthebarkarts · 2022-03-21T12:24:36+00:00

I'm sure someone has already said this, but also:

Even IF (IF!!!) he somehow really didn't know his behaviour was toxic/rude/cruel/inappropriate, do you really want to be the one who has to teach him? Do you really want to do that labour on a grown man when you could either be happy and alone or with a guy who doesn't need it explained that ghosting you for three days is unacceptable?

Even presuming the very best intentions on the part of these dudes (and let's be perfectly clear, they almost NEVER deserve that kind of leeway), it's STILL not worth your time, attention or energy.

rainbowhelix · 2022-03-21T05:43:46+00:00

CoMmuNICaTe is one of the biggest and most successful lies ever peddled by the patriarchy. Walk away. Block and delete.

Amost_there_lazy · 2022-03-21T04:36:08+00:00

I do the whole blocking and never responding again because it gets under guys skin so much. It prevents them from getting any closure and then they will fixate on you. It’s a huge bruise to their ego because they expect you to be emotional and explain things to them. I know this because a guy did this to me and it was so painful. Lesson learned. Now I use it against them.

Orangecat72 · 2022-03-21T04:25:26+00:00

God I remember the white hot urgency I used to beg NVM to communicate. All through my 20’s and into my 30’s. It was do or die. Nothing came before trying to fix/accommodate their issue. Which turned out to be their shitty personalities. Now that I’m 50 I’ve accepted that the HVM ship has sailed. I’m not sure I’ve ever met one but I will NEVER EVER AGAIN entertain for one millisecond ANY male bullshit. Most are complete fickle degenerates who can’t even wash their ass. No thanks. Cats are my boyfriend.

unknownemoji · 2022-03-21T05:49:47+00:00

If you explain, he will use it as an opportunity to negotiate or undermine your decision, and take control. Do not let him.

How many times have your explained yourself to an ex, where they were, "oh, ok, I understand. Sorry it didn't work. Take care."

Never. They just want to argue and take control.

hopelesscanary · 2022-03-21T08:23:43+00:00

Women over communicate because they project their own good faith onto men, and most men don't deserve this. When women learn that many men are not acting in good faith, it makes all the difference. It's a tall barrier for most to jump over, but the view on the other side is worth it.

Grouchy_Orchid_9176 · 2022-03-21T10:57:13+00:00

This, this and this. I literally sometimes can't fathom how well our subconscious and gut feeling already actually knows what's up 99.99% of the time and telling us to leave but our minds are like "Oh he didn't mean it" "He didn't know better" etc etc.

Men will lie to get what they want. Even if they seem genuine. He can change in an instant if that is to his advantage.

I had a a thing going on with a man who was extremely emotionally intelligent, the type that even noticed when a vibe was different, asking if something is wrong etc. When he lost interest that emotional intelligence suddenly disappeared. Suddenly he didn't know what to say anymore but he also didn't want to say "It's over. I lost interest" you know what I mean? Because he wanted to keep me warm.

"He knows what he did to you. He always knew. And he didn’t care."

Exactly. And don't you think for a second it's not like that, no matter how "good" he seemed.

Fortress_of_Doors · 2022-03-21T07:09:18+00:00

I so badly wish I had been raised to have this attitude instead of being raised to be a pushover who would beg and reason and plead and communicate the life out of me trying to get men to see how they’re hurting me, why what they did was wrong, always pointlessly explaining myself.

If they act like they don’t care it’s because DUH, they don’t.

AyemHerself · 2022-03-21T13:00:45+00:00

Here's my simple guide to determining whether a boundary is something you need to explain.

Do YOU need to be told not to do XYZ to someone else? Do you need it spelled out in exhaustingly simple terms on multiple occasions in hopes that you might finally understand?

If no, you can rest assured your partner doesn't either because he is an adult at your level of intelligence.

If women can learn how not to upset people without a dissertation, so can men. They're the logical sex, after all.

Carneliancat · 2022-03-21T12:47:12+00:00

It's beautifully simple, really. The moment a man makes you feel confused, frustrated, sad, embarrassed, angry, or clingy---out he goes. Why? Because a man who TRULY cares about you is also a man who has TRULY gotten to know you. He won't want to upset you. He will be aware of your triggers, and not be careless with your feelings. He will always treat you with respect, even during conflicts. He will make his love known, and you won't be left to wonder how he feels about you, ever.

This cOmMuniCaTioN bullshit is just more gaslighting of women, for the amusement of men. Don't do it. It's undignified.

askmeabouttheforest · 2022-03-21T03:42:14+00:00

Yeah, and with this kind of guy, when you try to cOmMuNiCaTe it becomes a game of how much bad faith he can put off. If you ask him to do his part around the house, here comes the weaponized incompetence. If you ask him to not ignore you and play video games all evening, he'll come to see you, be as annoying as he can, and act like you're so mean to him.

Every reasonable request will be met with sabotage and gaslighting. You can polish a turd all you want, it's still just a turd, and you can try with LVM for years, many have, and they'll still never be worth staying with.

DarbyGirl · 2022-03-21T15:37:00+00:00

Agree 100%. I've posted on here before about my experience leaving a 13 year emotionally abusive relationship. I communicated myself blue throughout the relationship.

I communicated how it was exhausting to be the one to make all the plans and schedule all the dates and things we do.
I communicated how I had pets when he met me, and that I'd always had pets in my life and always will have pets in my life.
I communicated how insulting and frustrating it was when he'd ask if I wanted to "go get something to eat" and then refuse to even look at, pick up, or communicate about how he wasn't going to pay when the bill came....especially if I'd had a glass of wine with dinner
I communicated how I wore makeup for myself and no one else
I communicated how I also couldn't read his mind and he needed to tell me things too and not just assume I'd figure them out until he blew up about them later

And on and on.

I communicated the first two times I decided to "give it anohter try". Becuase he was listening, and promising and lovebombing hard.

When it came to successful attempt #3 I refused to communicate. He asked why I was leaving and what he could do better and I told him I was tired of talking about it. I'd talked about it for the last 13 years and I wasn't wasting my time any longer.

When I left, and after he had dropped out some items I'd left he begged me to take him back and promised the following:

That we could have wine with dinner as often as I wanted
I could have as many pets as I wanted
I could wear makup and he'd kiss me even when I was wearing it
I could go back to crossfit and he wouldn't give me a hard time
He'd get vaccinated
I could do some of the changes to the house that I wanted
He'd be home at a decent hour every night (he was self employed and worked long hours)

All I could think, was "he knew. He knew this whole time that these things hurt me. He knew, and he didn't care". I didn't have to communicate to him a goddamn thing. He knew.

They know. Don't waste your breath.

vforvendetta87 · 2022-03-21T13:28:34+00:00

Reminds me of when I texted my ex I was having a panic-attack and instead of responding he went straight to bed that night. The next day I asked him why he didn’t respond and he tried feeding me some bullshit “You didn’t directly ask for help so I didn’t think it needed a response. Next time just tell me you want a response.” Um, what? I said “Why do I need to ask you to respond to my text? Isn’t responding basic human-decency?” He got so offended with that last part and said “Basic human decency…now I’m insulted.” Like it was the world’s worst insult to call him out on not doing basic-shit for his girlfriend.

He knew.

icy_lilies · 2022-03-21T03:09:29+00:00

Explaining basic shit will just enable him to 1. say that you're wrong about how you feel, and 2. do all the emotional labor of explaining basic shit. HE KNOWS, he's jut playing dumb and casting his fishing rod because you MIGHT bite and give him aNoThER cHaNcE.

If he's allegedly too dumb to understand what he did wrong, why on Earth would you spend more of your valuable time explaining basic stuff to a grown adult? It's a trap. He can just google it.

AdvancedSquashDirect · 2022-03-21T12:42:46+00:00

Repay broken boundaries with your lack of presence.

If your boundary is obvious (no insults,shaming,lying etc), normal (no cheating, poly, porn), or has been clearly communicated once. That's enough to expect them to not break it.

If they break it, you walk away, don't answer the phone, block their number, they do not deserve your effort. . You are allowed to be hurt, cry, be angry or disappointed, they don't need to know that, (find a good friend to confide with)

Sending them paragraphs of how they did the wrong thing or crying/arguing with them is effort, they won't change because you still care, and they will use that against you. If you go back, it's telling them, "my boundaries are not important, it's ok to break them again"

Majelmaygel · 2022-03-21T03:44:23+00:00

Maybe he learns from his mistakes and does better in his next relationship. Maybe he gets better at manipulating his next bangmaid. It’s not up to you to further his education. Block and delete, it doesn’t matter how long it took him to show his true colors.

zorua · 2022-03-21T07:52:31+00:00

This is something I'm trying really hard not to do anymore. When I was dating a diagnosed narcissist (boy I wish he had told me that information beforehand) I remember spending what seemed like hours writing paragraphs spilling my heart out to him on why I didn't blame him but I felt like he had crossed boundaries because he started flirting and talking to a girl all the time, or why he hurt me etc etc.

Each time he glanced over it, barely responded and changed the subject to the game he was obsessed with or some other insignificant thing. Why did I spend all that time writing? and for what? In his eyes I was pathetic.

I still continued to write paragraphs with the next guy i wanted to date. Paragraphs when he got scared and would run away, how I'd be there for him blahblah. Or paragraphs on how his behaviour was hurting me, how I felt he was making me feel stupid or manipulating me which he would swear the opposite despite me sharing his messages to friends who would confirm my feelings. And then I stopped. I stopped writing so much which unnerved him. I just simply let it happen, I said the bare minimum and was accused I had given up, I no longer loved him etc. I simply told him I'm tired of writing, its pointless and uses up too much energy.

I don't want to write paragraphs for any man.

FluffandRainclouds · 2022-03-21T06:32:59+00:00

HE KNOWS SIS 😥

In the words of hedonism bot, take ZERO shit 🥰

aoi4eg · 2022-03-21T07:51:29+00:00

Even better, stop explaining anything to anyone! 9 times out of 10 people pretend they didn't understand what you just said only because they want you to change your opinion to match their. My mental health and life in general began so much easy when I stopped bending backwards trying to please my friends and family.

My speech is eloquent enough, I don't use slang words or cuss when unnecessary, so there's no real reason for me to elaborate on the smallest things I've said, except when people want to hear something that benefits them.

Obviously, don't be a total dick to others, compromises are important, but when you, like me, find yourself in a position of always putting needs and wants of others above your own, it's time to show some backbone (and teeth, if necessary).

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-03-21T09:14:08+00:00

He’s texting you asking why you blocked him because he wants a reaction out of you. He isn’t as stupid as he acts.

He knows. He hurt you, and he knows.

yep. this is 100% correct!

he just wants t hear the million ways in which he hurt you because he's an emotional sadist and he's reinforcing his idea of toxic masculinity by hearing how you hurt.

your pain is his joy. your pain and you storytelling about it gives him strength and reinforces the idea that he's god on earth. grandiose narcissism, emotional sadism, delusions of grandeur - there you have it. you letting him know how hurt you were is confirmation that he achieved his goal.

I have been with a man that hates women. absolutely hates women. and this is how they think. they are not stupid or clueless. they know exactly what they do and the goal is to hear it from your mouth, the confirmation that they abused you right.

oh, you don't think people like these exist? or you think they are some inconsequential minority?

well, think again!

they are not a minority.

if you still don't believe it, just remember the last time you cOmMunIcAted your sorrows, your sadness, your needs and how he forgot about respecting them the second time. :)

they hear you, they know what they are doing - they just do not care to change because the goal is to behave like they behaved before for as long as it's possible. don't worry, they will chase you back into the relationship if you try and break up with them. they so love their punching bag.

Doingmybestinlife · 2022-03-21T10:12:44+00:00

This was a really important read, thank you. We’re fed all this messaging that it’s up to us to “communicate”, but look, if you have to communicate the most basic things (like how to not be a disrespectful person)…. Leave him and find someone who cares. If he starts arguing “well I didn’t know!” - find someone smarter lol

mythrowawaypdx · 2022-03-21T14:20:20+00:00

Extend this advice to toxic friends as well, no need to prolong the drama or give these people more of your time. They know they risk losing you with their behavior and think they can continue to be disrespectful. People normally circle back at some point, if they contact me I either block and ignore or reply with a final "I'm done knowing you, I have blocked you from all platforms, no need to contact me". Even if they do somehow message me after I blocked I NEVER RESPOND and try to block again. I also change my phone number whenever I move to make it harder for losers to reach me (and they do even years later). I had one shitty friend reach out to a former friend she had blocked to ask them to talk to me and apologize for her. If I cut you off it's too late. Enjoy the memories <3

Thisistheplace · 2022-03-21T10:36:35+00:00

Ugh. I just wish I had found this sub sooner. I’m much better now- but like damn I put up with so much of that toxic shit. Mind blowing how some men are just absolute predators toward women without a healthy esteem.

AC7878 · 2022-03-21T06:58:16+00:00

Oof this post hit me hard. Unfortunately I was in that spot over explaining and trying to tell my ex how much he hurt me. I honestly thought he would actually feel empathy for once but all I got was "I'm sorry you felt that way"

Luckily I'm at a better place today and know never to look back. As soon as I rediscovered everything I immediately blocked, deleted and completely removed him out of my life.

extragouda · 2022-03-21T09:42:16+00:00

I would say that this is true in all relationships including with coworkers. If a coworker (usually male) is rude to you, they did it intentionally. Don't bother saying, hey you did this, please don't do it again. They will do it again because it "worked" and you were bothered.

Thunderbird_Freya · 2022-03-21T07:01:56+00:00

Well I’m the Queen of my own life and when disrespect is served I leave the table. I don’t care if we are married for years or you were in a bad place when you flapped your mouth. It’s over.

GoGoCaterpillar · 2022-03-21T02:43:56+00:00

I need to learn to block more, as I end up being shocked when a guy is rude and it takes me a while to process it.

victoriabowen8 · 2022-03-21T15:31:17+00:00

This post is like a huge slap to my face and bucket of cold water poured over my head. I hate it and it makes me super uncomfortable. But I need to hear it because I live in denial about this stuff.

Coffeenerdbeachmom · 2022-03-21T02:41:29+00:00

This just happened to me last week. It was my first ‘relationship’ post divorce. I’m so glad to find FDS, but it’s ugh the regret is making me want to bang my head! It’s not a just this last newest one, it was my marriage and every other relationship i ever had.

HellGoddessHG · 2022-03-21T04:35:05+00:00

I found it quite satisfying to respond to his pages of cursing and threats with a response like “Okay”. I Grey Rocked at its finest and then got a restraining order which he repeatedly violated. Eventually he got a new supply and hasn’t bothered me in months. It’s been peacefully quiet ever since.

kaitybubbly · 2022-03-21T06:12:57+00:00

I've since learned this with romantic relationships but have yet to put it into practice with familial ones. Your post is a welcome reminder.

VintagePallor · 2022-03-21T16:48:27+00:00

YES SIS! I wore clown makeup for a toxic man who didn't respect or appreciate me for SIX. YEARS. Know what FINALLY made me snap and walk away cleanly after aaalllll that? He swore at me and hung up on me, again. I told him so many times I hated it, it's so disrespectful, I understand what I said made you mad but you can't treat me this way, please don't do it again... 🤡🤡🤡

He'd still be cheating and playing me today if I hadn't finally had enough. He said "Fuck off. click" and I ACTUALLY DID! Best decision of my life. BYE!!

PicoPicoMio · 2022-03-21T15:40:08+00:00

They know good and well all the ways they hurt you, they just don’t give a damn enough about you to stop doing it or rectifying the situation.

throwaway-fds · 2022-03-21T13:09:14+00:00

God we can't get this through some women's heads enough. Amazing and needed post, thank you.

enchantedglow · 2022-03-21T17:02:53+00:00

Off-topic and I already reported it but mods, a man posted in the comments. Why can't they just follow the rules 🙄 literally so annoying.

relationship_reddit · 2022-03-21T13:21:02+00:00

Damn. Kinda wish I saw this yesterday.

candyfox84 · 2022-03-21T18:59:28+00:00

Amen sis! Whether he's dumb, dishonest, or insensisitve, the result is same.

Creepy-Night936 · 2022-03-21T04:54:00+00:00

After all the shitty scrotes I've been with, my HVBF treats me so great that sometimes I wonder why he's like that. I never have to beg him to be nice to be because he is naturally kind. Gone all the shitty pick me attitudes I had before. He reminds me everyday that he loves me and cares for my wellbeing overall. I am beyond ecstatic.

lolmemberberries · 2022-03-21T23:21:53+00:00

The first time I did this was when a guy tried contacting me after a really bad first (and last) date. He asked me out a second time via text (after calling me twice while I was at work and didn't have the time or inclination for personal calls). I told him I wasn't interested and to leave me alone. Dude went apeshit demanding an explanation. I had already said I wasn't interested and told him to leave me alone, so I blocked him. There doesn't need to be any further explanation. I didn't want my lack of interest in him to be up for debate and his response to my rejecting him was excessive.

You know what happened? I felt great about it! I stuck to my boundaries. I chose myself. I wasn't getting dragged down by someone who I was incompatible with. I wasn't stressed and anxious about this person and their behavior. 10/10 would recommend.

Ernie240 · 2022-03-21T09:17:57+00:00

They should make a class for men to learn these things. so much nuance and ever-evolving standards and social expectations I'm sure it's hard to keep up, especially if the men are not educated or smart.

lolmemberberries · 2022-03-22T00:28:25+00:00

This is the way. They see it as an opportunity to debate and you're giving them attention they don't deserve.

Title	Why I DON’T EXPLAIN. On boundaries, disappointment, and self-shielding: You don’t have to explain to an emotionally abusive man why he isn’t allowed to hurt you anymore.
Author	Poggersisms
Upvotes	1567
Comments	77
Date	March 21, 2022 2:30 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tj1d95/why_i_dont_explain_on_boundaries_disappointment/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-i-dont-explain-on-boundaries-disappointment.1108311 https://theredarchive.com/post/1108311

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