My fellow FDS sisters skip this edit.

Edit: If you want to share my post and put me on blast in other groups then fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Read the entire God damn post. But then again fucking incels can’t read.

When I met my husband he was tall, fit and ticked all the boxes. I had been married before to an absolute goat, but this guy was sweet and paid for our dates. Things went well for a year but then he started to gain weight, his house became messier, and he showed signs of insecurity. He had been married before but his story about why she left was “she never gave me a reason, she just packed her stuff up and left”. His mother stated she and her parents were gold digging immigrants (they were from Laos). Which looking back it’s apart of their customs to give gifts and money for the wedding and bride. (Lesson learned: always keep an eye on the mom of romantic interests)

I broke up with him after dating for 2 years. He had gained a ton of weight, was sluggish, and he was so depressing to be around. After a few months we got back together. He had lost all of the weight, had been to therapy etc. We got married a year later. He proceeded to put the weight back on after we married and I observed that he was addicted to food.For example he would eat all of the peanut butter in one sitting. (16 oz jar).

Also turns out he had a very low sex drive. We had plenty when we were dating and he was very pleasurable to be with. No kinky shit requested, no signs of porn use etc. As soon as I was pregnant it dried the fuck up. This was only 3 months into our marriage. I suffered in silence because I thought he was genuinely concerned for the baby. Fast forward a few months after having this baby and he still won’t touch me unless I initiate. It does not help that I have a high sex drive.

Two years go by and I pop out another baby. He doesn’t help with household chores, changing diapers, keeps eating and racks up a ton of debt. All the while I’m working full time and trying to find a way to loose the baby weight.

We moved. We paid off 70,000$ in debt from proceeds from the sale. He gets deeper in his depression, keeps eating and continues to be a slob. Sex occurs once a month and only if I initiate. At this point I have twisted myself into a pretzel trying to please him and make him happier (pickmesha in full force). Two years ago I decided to join a Jiujitsu gym and drug the kids with me. It kept me sane, I made friends and I dropped 10 pounds. At this point I had started the process of giving up on trying to make my husband happy. He continued to get worse. In January ‘21 I felt it in my bones this man was not going to last another year. He wouldn’t follow up with his doctors to renew his BP meds. He blamed it on me. I was too busy for him to make it to an appointment. He was low in testosterone and needed injections but refused them after the 4th shot. FYI: testosterone is not just for sex drive it’s also protective of blood vessels, stabilizes mood amongst other benefits for men. Side note: I’m a seasoned nurse. I can look at someone and see they aren’t doing well. The color of an individuals skin (paleness of a white person, grayish blue for a dark completed person) how much effort is needed to complete simple tasks, the type of sweat they produce can all be indicators of shit going sideways. He refused to see anyone.

I started to prepare. I made sure he had life insurance. Made sure he had me listed as beneficiary on his accounts. I dug a little bit and found out he had racked up more debt. (He would never clarify) and I prayed. (Yes I have faith in God)

Come July 19 and he is sick. High fever, body aches, loss of smell. I’m quite convinced it was the Delta variant of Covid. He confesses to me he stopped taking his BP meds two weeks ago. Unvaccinated. I watched him closely for vital signs changes over the first week and when he showed a drop in oxygen I got him admitted to the hospital. I stayed by his side the entire time as our hospital allowed visitors. During his stay we managed to keep him off the ventilator but he required a lot of oxygen and he developed the coagulation disorder associated with Covid. He died of a heart attack after 2 weeks in the hospital.

Do not wish me condolences. For the love of God I already struggle with not grieving him but with feeling relived from his passing. I found so much shit he was hiding when I was cleaning out his office. $65k in debt. Two prescriptions drugs that were not prescribed, Adderal and Klonzapam. Supplements that lower testosterone. He may have had a male lover. All this time I was gaslighting myself. Fortunately I’m savage enough that I retained a lawyer to figure out what I was responsible for and what my next steps should be. We will be okay financially. Mentally I’m pissed at him and I’m equally pissed off at myself. I’m pissed for my kids. They miss having a dad. But I’m the end we will be okay. But damn. How the fuck did I miss those red flags? It was because I flat out refused to see them. I’m a pickmesha.

I’m in therapy, I found this subreddit (thank the gods), and I’m reading every book I can about codependency, why I choose the men I do and how to change my way of thinking and interacting with people. Even women because they will convince you that you should ignore your instincts. I’m competing in my first BJJ tournament in feb, I put an offer on a house, my kiddos are much improved in school, they are in therapy and doing well and excelling in their extracurricular activities.

The old me would apologize for such a long post but the new me knows it’s good to talk about this shit and let women know it’s okay to be picky as fuck.

Edited to add: fuck the belief we should not speak poorly of the dead. That is an absolutely horrible practice foisted onto us by the male patriarchy. If someone who died was an asshole it should be said out loud and their funeral should be basic and with poor attendance. Maybe if we followed this standard people would think twice about muh legacy.

2nd and last Edit: My husband got sick July 19, 2021 this year. My writing is in a constant state of improvement.