Zero Effort Valentine’s Day

runesnroses · 2022-02-16T14:23:40+00:00

My ex refused to celebrate V-Day because he thought it was just another made-up holiday meant to suck men dry. My HV father, who always celebrated it growing up, told me this last Monday that “it took everything in me not to drive over to your house and leave you something as a surprise” when he gave me some flowers and a box of chocolates this year. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Like, it’s not always just about the romance, it’s about being the kind of guy who wants an excuse (however small) to do something kind and express affection. 🥰

GeorgiaPeach_94 · 2022-02-16T13:40:58+00:00

You really think you need to explain to what's hopefully an adult man with no mental deficits that completely ignoring valentine's day made you feel bad? If you just cOmMuNiCaTe he'll get it... You think he doesn't know? Unless you're dating an imbecile, that's unlikely.

My little brother had his first girlfriend at 16 and he made such an effort for valentines day. I daresay a grown ass man can do the bare minimum without the need for written instructions.

thegenuinedarkfly · 2022-02-16T14:34:48+00:00

If you’ve been dating less than a year, then this was your first Valentine’s Day together? And he “forgot”?

I’m sorry sis, but if he wanted to he would.

drowsypillowprincess · 2022-02-16T15:33:46+00:00

—Valentine’s Day did not sneak up on him. It’s a static day, every year, plastered on advertisements a month leading up to it.

—He put in low effort because he doesn’t care. That’s the painful part, and I’m sorry you’re going through this, but no amount of excuses or mental gymnastics changes this. Remember, always: if he wanted to, he would.

—There is no point explaining anything to him because he already knows. Did he graduate high school? Does he have a job? He is not an idiot. If there was a big test at school or a big work project coming up, you can bet he’d remember and prepare for those. Stop making up benign excuses for his blatant gaslighting and disrespect of you. He knows Valentine’s Day happened, he knows you expected something, he knows you’re upset. He does not care.

—If you stay with him, you are confirming for him that he can continue to put in the minimal amount of effort and still get access to your body for sex and your mind for free therapy and comfort.

—If you stay with him, he will never put in the effort you want, treat you the way you want, or respect you. Sure, you might be able to manipulate him into performing caring actions on occasion—but is that what you want? A partner who has to be manipulated into caring for you? He will only do it because he feels like making the reservations (buying the flowers, wrapping the present, etc.) will take less energy and effort than listening to you cry. But sometimes listening to you cry will be the option that takes less effort, therefore his actions will always be inconsistent and leave you feeling anxious around every holiday, birthday, anniversary.

—The only thing to do here is break up with him. It’s the only solution that will lead to your happiness. It sucks. It really does. This is some tough love, but you deserve better. You deserve a partner who cares about you and puts in effort around holidays and big events. These men do exist. Don’t settle for anything less.

And don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy. It’s only been less than a year. Better cut your losses now than in 10 years after an unhappy marriage, traumatized kids and 9 more unfulfilled Valentine’s Days.

Best of luck.

Thestral-glow6 · 2022-02-16T14:16:52+00:00

You already know what to do. I’m not being rude, but this sounds like a post from one of the relationship subs..

If he wanted to he would. He KNEW what day it was. He chose to ignore it, and to neglect/let you down. You then rushed around trying to make reservations 🤷🏼‍♀️

Next.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-02-16T13:42:44+00:00

I mean why do you need advice hon?

It seems pretty clear you understand that he made no effort and rather than cOmMuNiCaTe to him maybe it’s time for you to sit down and figure out what your non-negotiables are in this relationship.

Is putting absolutely no effort into a holiday specifically designed to express your love to your significant other negotiable for you?

And you specifically said he’s “planning other things” in the future tense- has anything he’s planned worked out?

The relationship hinges on you and what you expect from your man, it just doesn’t seem like your expectations have really been hammered out yet.

candyfox84 · 2022-02-16T16:49:42+00:00

I'm sorry. It's always a big disappointment when things are going well and then, all of the sudden, a dealbreaker pops up! Not all communication is verbal, as the other subs like to imply. When a person consciously or unconsciouly does something to make you feel bad, that is a form of communication. Take it at FACE VALUE. Do not dissect. Do not make apologies. Make a mental note of his level of engagement and act accordingly. The reason I say mental note is because no man wants to be told what to do, that's why it's just easier to be with someone who meets your needs. It's also a huge turn off to take a parental role of explaining societal expectations to him like you're raising a teenager. His raising is done, and you're seeing the result.

In my past LV relationships, he always messed up Valentine's day, always.

p.s. I work in a male dominated environment. All the men were joking about VDay and telling each other "don't fuck it up." They know.

relampagos_shawty · 2022-02-16T13:38:33+00:00

He probably already knows how his (lack of) actions made you feel, but he’s pretty sure you’re going to accept it

brokenhousewife_ · 2022-02-16T13:38:33+00:00

Why did you act like it was no big deal? A guy i was seeing did basically the same. I explained how disappointing he is, and how disappointing dating him is. He didn't need me to write a letter to him like santa clause. The i broke up with him.

Don't be the 'cool easy going woman'. Next time the LV scrote acts like a LV scrote. Block their number.

For your current situation, refer to what i said to my LVS, then block him. He had his chance, he knew what he was doing, and he decided you being sad was an easier course of action, than taking ten seconds to book a table at a restaurant.

Xenobia95 · 2022-02-16T15:05:08+00:00

Imagine you are giving birth and he goes to see his favourite sports team instead of supporting you, he doesn't bring flowers because they just die, he doesn't bring balloons oh they didn't have any, he doesn't visit you both in hospital.

It's your birthday, oh I don't do gifts or cards, it's Christmas he buys you a vaccum cleaner, this is your future if you don't wise up, think about this and dump his ass.

Jandi18 · 2022-02-16T13:58:45+00:00

I say this gently because It seems you are invested and it sucks…But he isn’t worth it if he acted like this. You didn’t need to remind him, stores start selling valentine products a month before…you see it everywhere.

There is absolutely no reason for him to do something like this other than he couldn’t be bothered. If he neglects a holiday that seems to mean something to you, he will neglect a lot of things. You acted like it’s no big deal why? Why pretend it doesn’t bother you when it clearly did. You deserve better than being in a relationship where you have to swallow your feelings to make up for a man’s short comings. I see you asked for advice on getting him something a few days ago but he couldn’t plan anything? Seems low effort…not worth it sis.

sassyheather · 2022-02-16T13:39:59+00:00

Neeeeext

BrightIdeaGenerator · 2022-02-16T16:11:19+00:00

Don't be me. I let the first one skate by, when we started dating in April, so it was almost a year. 🤡 we still didn't have a title, but I wrote him a poem. 🤡🤡 the next year (a year where I had to fight and pull teeth to get him to acknowledge that YES I was his girlfriend, for realsises) 🤡 I was excited because we were official, therefore we would have a "real" valentine's day. I asked him a few days before what we were doing, and he "hadn't thought that far ahead".🤡🤡🤡 we had a big fight, I cried a lot. It was obvious I didn't mean anything to him. I still went to his house and he had scrambled to get a rose and some chocolates. But I just laid in his bed and cried. 🤡🤡 he did hold me, and we had a long conversation, but he "didn't understand". 🤡

I broke up with him twice in the following year. Second one stuck. Don't be me. He doesn't want to celebrate being with you, he just wants easy sex.

thanarealnobody · 2022-02-16T17:23:40+00:00

Do you think a guy would actually do NOTHING for Valentine’s Day for a woman he loved? A woman he wanted to impress? A woman he planned on marrying?

Nah.

PumpkinTalkari · 2022-02-16T15:17:18+00:00

If he wanted to, he would 🤷‍♀️

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2022-02-16T15:36:20+00:00

Hey! Best advice IMHO is to read the FDS handbook. You’re absolutely right if he wanted to he would. So your choice is to accept this behavior for the remainder of your relationship, and accept that if you have kids with this person he will pass that behavior onto them, or get out now.

Also, in general, I don’t think it’s helpful to act like something is no big deal when it really is. I work on that myself and know it’s not easy, but if you’re in a relationship with someone and you’re hurt or angry you should be able to at least acknowledge that.

2022-02-16T15:29:15+00:00

Men who don’t make any effort on birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s Day don’t give a shit about you.

That’s the straightforward truth.

I’m sorry but i would dump him. How disappointing.

NEXT.

thewineyourewith · 2022-02-16T15:44:19+00:00

I’m glad you posted in this sub. I’m sick of Reddit gaslighting women for having normal expectations about Valentine’s Day. Flowers, chocolate, dinner - standard v-day experience is spelled out for them. It’s everywhere starting like the day after Christmas. Even grocery store and pharmacy check out lanes cater to them ffs, it’s so easy to do the bare minimum.

Men aren’t stupid. They know what’s expected of them. And yes they also know if you hate chocolate or you’re allergic to roses or you can’t stand crowds and prefer a dinner at home, etc. Their failure to put any effort into v-day is either weaponized incompetence or stubbornness or plain ol misogyny, or some combination.

So OP think long and hard about what this means. Is it possible in this specific case, he has worked so many all nighters in a row that he hasn’t even known what day it is for the last month and his untreated anxiety that’s never been a problem before rightthissecond gave him decision paralysis and also his dog just died? Idk sure maybe. Occam’s razor, though, it’s more likely this guy has managed to hide his lv ways or you’ve been making excuses for him and you’re just now realizing who he really is.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-16T23:45:51+00:00

Read my username. Stop excusing his behaviour, do you know how many men are busy with work yet make an effort for their partner? Jeez even LVM will sometimes buy a small gift. He’s trash and expects you to do all the work. He’s not worth your time.

oscine23 · 2022-02-17T01:18:29+00:00

My man doesn’t celebrate holidays. Never has; even before me. But he did go out and buy me AirPods he ordered from the Apple store a week before, and he put them in a cute little pink bag. He also drove 45 minutes to my favorite bakery two cities over and got my favorite treat. He gave it to me the day before Valentine’s Day, so technically he wasn’t celebrating it. Lol In my mind I’m thinking, whatever you need to tell yourself, dude lol (And this is a man who spoils me all year long, so VDay isn’t a big deal for me).

My point is, if he wanted to, he would — some kind of way.

IcedHeart11 · 2022-02-16T13:44:16+00:00

Advice? Move on, block and delete.

He showed you he doesn’t care. And if you stay, you’re letting him know that you accept no effort.

yoursultana · 2022-02-16T16:05:47+00:00

Break up sis. No take backs. He’s a scrote who has basically just told you to your face he doesn’t think you’re worth the effort. Fuck him. There’s even a ton of LVM who would put an effort in. This is unacceptable. You should have never made a plan for him- should’ve just dumped him when you found out he didn’t plan shit. We can’t go back in time, So dump him now.

MsWriteNow07 · 2022-02-16T20:41:49+00:00

You sound afraid to lose this guy because of the time you invested. You should be afraid to invest time with someone who so obviously does not care about you.

keep_my_stuff · 2022-02-16T16:44:22+00:00

My male friend who met the love of his life at work, and who planned a luxurious destination wedding in the Balearic islands, was also delighted to share to me (just a friend) on Whatsapp that he had reservations for Valentine's a few years back when they had recently started dating. Just an example of what high effort looks like. Even my otherwise not romantic ex bf that was LV but into me, managed to cook some meals and/or make some nice cards.

VintagePallor · 2022-02-16T14:48:46+00:00

Why would you need to mention Valentine's Day is coming, it comes every year on the same day!! YOU are already planning the dates sis, it's already too far gone. This is why a HUGE part of the FDS praxis is "block and delete at the first red flag"! I guarantee there were others you let slide over the past year but now you are in quite deep, you feel emotionally invested and the sunk cost fallacy has kicked in. It is going to hurt worse to walk away now but you NEED to always be prepared to do so. He'll never treat you better than he does right now. Effort doesn't start trending up after months or years, it's essentially stable or it goes down. Clearly his has gone down (or has been low from the start) and things will not get better than they are now, only worse. ✂️

JulyParade · 2022-02-16T16:35:37+00:00

What exactly made you "super happy" to be with this man? You say you found a place to have dinner and it was an evening like any other. Does that mean you do all of the date planning in this relationship? What has he done for you that didn't require prodding, nagging, or reminding? Tell us about these "other things" that he planned. I'm guessing they are things he wanted to do and not things you wanted to do.

He acted like it was no big deal because he's training you to accept no effort on his part. If you stay with him you'll be buying your own flowers for the rest of your life. You're through the honeymoon stage. It's downhill from here.

elainejay82 · 2022-02-16T15:10:39+00:00

There's nothing to explain to him at all. He understands the situation.

You need to use this day to see clearly how much effort this man is willing to put into you. Men know it's an important day to get right and for whatever reason, he didn't feel the need to get it right with you.

F that. There are like 4 days a year a man should not slip up and Vday is one of them. Your birthday is the other. Christmas and NYE are the others.

You need to set the standard inside of yourself that you will not accept bullshit from men on these days. For me, a Low Effort Holiday is a deal breaker and it should be for any woman, because this tells you he won't get it right on days that every person should work to get it right with their SO's... so what makes you think he will get the small things right with you?

To me it's a sign that he he doesn't care to treat me special on a day that he really should. I will have more and more disappointments on big days with him. He will let me down on small days. Think about it... if he can't get a holiday right, how the hell would he get any other tiny little thing right with you? Meaning small celebrations when you reach a life milestone, helping you through tough days, etc etc.

There is nothing at all left to do but absolutely dump his ass. The problem is not you; it's him. You're worthy of a better holiday than that. As women, we have to be willing to walk when we see behavior like this. No discussions (what is there to talk about?). Match his energy of not giving a fuck about your relationship by letting it go. It's the only thing we can do when we see this type of behavior.

ameliezilber · 2022-02-16T14:22:09+00:00

My current boyfriend did the same thing: he was 'busy' and 'decided to not get me anything since we had just made up after a break'. He then proceeds to text me Monday afternoon saying he 'misses me a lot', as if that changes anything smh. Needless to say, this was my last straw and I'll be breaking up with him soon. We are worth way more than that and should only give out attention to those who appreciate us, girls!

2022-02-16T17:28:30+00:00

Block and delete, babes. He doesn’t care. If he can’t put in effort when you’ve been together less than a year, it’s only going to get worse. You shouldn’t have had to find something last minute.

Potato-Lordette · 2022-02-16T13:50:55+00:00

To be honest, I think you know the answer. If he wanted to he would.

Valentine's Day is loudly broadcasted all over the internet so there's no excuse to not know. Plus you already said he knew a couple weeks ago.

The bitter pill is that he knew but didn't care enough to celebrate (with) you. Maybe he's grown complacent and thinks your in the bag so he doesn't need to chase anymore, or maybe he's just testing your boundaries so in the future he can lower your expectations for other events too. The reason why doesn't really matter but it's clear that he disappointed you, and clearly knew it would disappoint you otherwise he wouldn't have apologised.

If he wanted to, he would.

I also think you should have been honest that night about your feelings at the time, because acting like it's OK when your not happy is exactly what LVM want.

It's up to you whether you want to 'communicate' why you were disappointed (but you know he knows already) but the writing is on the wall here. You need to evaluate whether you want a future where you are regularly disappointed by his lack of effort (or begrudging effort after you prompt him).

To give perspective, I have recently met someone through a friend. We went on 1 date a few days before the 14th, at the end of the date (which went very well) he had asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him on the 14th and I agreed. It was only upon arriving home qnd checking my calendar that I realised it was Valentine's Day. On the 14th, he showed up with flowers and had booked an amazing restaurant without prompting. I cannot say for sure he is HVM, but what it shows is that if a man cares enough about 'keeping' you (for lack of better wording) he will put in the effort.

You deserve to spend your time with a HVM who will shower you with love and appreciation of his own volition!

little_nerdmaid · 2022-02-16T14:41:46+00:00

men know this holiday comes around every year, they know what women expect. he couldn’t be bothered to make it a special day for you.

i can tell you probably don’t want to cut him off, i know how that feels, and i hope you know i’m saying this with love because i had my own shitty experience with a guy this weekend. he didn’t put forth the bare minimum for you, and it was your first valentines together. that, if anything, should be when he does the absolute most. and he didn’t. you’re probably better off without him.

even if you do communicate your feelings, the best that will come from it is discounted flowers that were an afterthought, that you had to ask for. do you really think that’s okay? do you think you deserve afterthoughts?

dkwantsdk · 2022-02-16T17:55:42+00:00

He apologized. Those are words. What are his actions? That tells you everything you need to know.

To give you some perspective. Last year on my wedding anniversary, I left a heartfelt card and some thoughtful presents on my husband's wfh desk and then left for a rare day at the office. He didn't say anything to me all day! So I texted him and let him know how much that hurt my feelings. He apologized profusely, explained what had happened while making no excuses, and then MADE IT RIGHT. Immediately. And reinforced it every holiday after.

Only trust actions. Not words.

Femvegarmymashup · 2022-02-16T14:59:40+00:00

This is a warning sign for your future. Don’t ignore it.

enticedflowers · 2022-02-16T13:55:16+00:00

I am sorry your Valentine’s Day had to be you putting something together at the last minute, it really shows your heart is absolutely in the right place but I don’t think he’s deserving of all this emotional labour from you. Having to act like it’s no big deal and hiding your disappointment is no good.

Any reasonable man in this situation would absolutely understand botching valentines this hard is unacceptable, you’re carrying this relationship hard. You’re right, the implications for your future together aren’t in your favour hun.

2022-02-16T14:28:26+00:00

Wait wait, you have been together more than half a year, you mentioned V Day was something you participate in, and he still ignored it?? Holy hell, did he ignore your birthday too?

birdonthestreet · 2022-02-16T15:42:11+00:00

It sounds like he is trying to see what he can get away with. Like how little effort he can put in and not suffer any consequences. I’m not sure how long you all have been together, but if this was your first Valentine’s Day- I feel like he should have gone above and beyond .

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-16T14:54:06+00:00

DTMFA.

FancyCocktailOlive · 2022-02-16T13:51:41+00:00

Just end it. Block and delete. That’s what FDS says.

He knows how you feel or he wouldn’t have apologized.

europoor24 · 2022-02-17T08:42:27+00:00

Less then a year and he’s slacking on the effort ??? In those two weeks he could have bought you a card and some decent chocolates. At the very least. Oh hunny..

atreegrowsinbrixton · 2022-02-16T16:40:13+00:00

oh honey... my boyfriend worked very hard all day and night on valentines day. that's not a good excuse. february 13th i got a giant, beautiful bouquet of flowers delivered to me with a card and then we went to my favorite restaurant. when a man cares about you, he will put forth effort. that is not something you need to explain. run away unless you enjoy being disappointed

w1tchyw0man · 2022-02-16T19:40:53+00:00

This is going to cop flack but I'm in a country where Valentine's Day is considered a bit trashy here, and as such I personally don't celebrate it. But my boyfriend buys me flowers and gifts out of the blue. The weekend before Valentine's Day we had a beautiful weekend away out of town. He didn't do that because it was Valentine's Day weekend. But he did it because he is wanted to spoil me regardless of the day. Does your boyfriend do these things outside of V day? Also if you celebrate V day and he chose to ignore it this is a red flag regardless

swaylyn · 2022-02-16T16:09:35+00:00

You don’t need to tell him anything. He is well aware of what he’s doing. Not making a big deal out of vday is to set you up to expect less and be OKAY with it. And overtime the current less will be “too much too high too much work” and he’ll drop it down another two notches.

Just cut the cord and move on without him. Bc while I’m the short term you could still manage this… it’s not worth the headache later on

The same way he doesn’t owe you anything. You do not owe him anything

Audderpop270 · 2022-02-17T08:32:39+00:00

This sounds so hurtful. I'm sorry :(

There's really no excuse though, he didn't make you a priority. Even if if he was busy on Vday, he could have scheduled another day or arranged to have flowers delivered, exchanged a card, anything!!

I'm pretty sure the consensus here will be to leave him. If holidays mean a lot to you, don't accept someone who doesn't care about them. My grandma used to say "don't accept behavior you don't want to deal with for the rest of your life." If he's doing this now when you're dating, he's gonna keep doing it.

ultblue7 · 2022-02-16T16:26:41+00:00

🚩

appendixgallop · 2022-02-16T18:01:22+00:00

Some families and individuals and cultures don't hang a bunch of significance to the day. I've been taught it is super important to a woman to be showered with attention that day, but I don't believe that.

Personally, I prefer for 365 days a year to be shown that I'm valued and needed and desired.

Title	Zero Effort Valentine’s Day
Author	ExpressionUnlikely23
Upvotes	505
Comments	61
Date	February 16, 2022 1:27 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/stvwcc/zero_effort_valentines_day/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/zero-effort-valentines-day.1210983 https://theredarchive.com/post/1210983

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