Male Neurodivergent PANDERING, and my seething resentment about it

pascalines · 2021-08-23T13:56:12+00:00

I can’t tell you how much I relate to this specific anger as an adult dx ADHD. I spent my whole ENTIRE life being called lazy, messy, disorganized, undisciplined, not doing well in school, forgetting to pay medical bills, and my parents/teachers never ONCE thought to test me for attention deficit issues.

Doing well as an adult, going to grad school and finally being treated. But I’m resentful of all the little boys who were diagnosed and helped when I wasn’t.

apommom · 2021-08-23T13:25:30+00:00

I think about this a lot. Dx in my mid 20’s after going through hell in school. Growing up my teachers and parents thought I was just lazy and unwilling to cooperate, which in turn deeply affected my self esteem and ability to communicate about my own experience and needs even to this day. Although I’ve come a long way.

I still struggle with work, and when I got my dx I was recommended to a 12 week job placement program for autistic individuals where the ratio was close to 4-5 men for every one woman. I can’t tell you how much resentment formed listening to these guys go on and on about themselves, their interests, cutting off others, making stupid jokes, and worst of all trying to hit on me. It also bothered me to know that these guys likely got so much support early on in life, throughout school, and were more accepted by their parents and peers due to early dx. They were so overly confident and their privilege was so evident, it still upsets me.

SpicyScroteRoastery · 2021-08-23T14:12:30+00:00

Hello, diagnosed late, no support given, also very angry but don't currently have a lot of energy to write shit about it. Might return later to rant, thank you for your post though!

jupitarianrise · 2021-08-23T13:25:29+00:00

As a neuro divergent woman, it makes me so mad when I think of the way boys were treated at school (teachers were patient with them, understanding, “boys will be boys”…) VS the way I was treated (yelled at, criticized because girls are supposed to behave a certain way, I couldn’t make any mistake, I had to be mature at a very young age). Men’s feelings are far more valued than women’s feelings, anyone who tells you the opposite is a liar. Health practitioners also tend to diagnose men faster/more easily than women, we’re told to try harder, or maybe we’re exaggerating, or maybe it’s something else than what we think (because as women we’re dumb and can’t be self-aware/ /s). It’s really difficult to be taken seriously and even when you are, people never baby us. We don’t have that privilege.

Neuro divergent men use their diagnosis as an excuse for being shitty people, meanwhile neuro divergent women are taught to internalize it all and make extra efforts to be emotionally intelligent and understand social rules, which leads to depression and burn out.

bookworm1896 · 2021-08-23T13:36:47+00:00

I am sorry that you got diagnosed that late. It made me think of the book invisible women by Caroline Criado-Perez how our whole society is focused on men and how it endangers women. There are many examples how, especially in the medical field, there are less tests and studies with women. The symptoms of illness are different between the sexes and normally just the typical male symptoms are known. For example women who suffer from a heart attack often have stomach aches or tooth aches as symptoms. Also the medications are mostly tested on men and the recommended doses of the meds are suitable for men, but wrong for women. It is really scary to think about.

And again it's so typical that a female family member was pressured into caring for him...

Protoetype · 2021-08-23T14:36:27+00:00

Hi there, I'm happy you were finally diagnosed and can focus on getting the help you need. I totally understand the resentment you have! I have ADHD and was diagnosed only in the past few years (I'm in my 30's) My childhood was rough in the school system, I do believe that I was treated with unnecessary cruelty because I was a girl, I was expected to "do better" because I was a girl. Sitting in a classroom for hours while I was forced to pay attention to material that bored me was like torture. I'd quietly sit waiting for it to be over, when I was forced to participate I'd have meltdowns from the stress where I would cry uncontrollably and try to get away. I was locked alone in empty rooms and left to cry it out many, many times.

Girls are always scolded way harder for not conforming to behavioral standards, it's damn near expected from boys.

My entire life I can never do things the normal way it seems and I'm always coming up with easier (weirder) ways to get the needed result. Treatment for ADHD has helped me quite a bit.

Drpyroxene · 2021-08-23T13:20:41+00:00

Yes. Just...all of this. My family refuses to accept my diagnosis (not only autism, but anxiety and PTSD as well) but I KNOW that if I had been born male my entire life would be different. It's makes my blood boil when I think about it and how poorly I've been treated and also forced to participate in things that I didn't even want to do in the first place. 😡

aoi4eg · 2021-08-23T14:30:33+00:00

I feel you. 99% of people still associate autism with screeching pre-school boys or Sheldon Cooper-wannabes, that's why it's so hard for women, especially older ones, to get a proper diagnosis.

Thesseli · 2021-08-23T13:11:51+00:00

Men seem to be pandered to (at the expense of women) all the time, don't they...

DrildoBagurren · 2021-08-23T21:18:21+00:00

I can relate. I wasn't the talkative type. I grew up with a dad who worked in the community and thus our family was always in the public eye. We had to relocate multiple times because of my dad's job. I didn't fit in anywhere, but my parents expected me to extend myself to others and have the demeanor of a friendly hostess or someone in customer service. Often my dad's friends or kids from school would come and talk to me in public and I'd just... Shut down. I wouldn't know what to say. I do t know why this happened, but I wouldn't understand how to answer small talk. I'd get screamed at for embarrassing my family by my dad and all of his family too. My dad's family tried to convince me that I was mentally ill and then screamed at me when I questioned or rejected their diagnosis- they tried to say that I was looking down on me tally ill people ??? . When I went to a psychiatrist at 17, I was diagnosed with autism and they paid it no attention. They treated me the same as they always had and also.tried to convince me that I was schizophrenic instead.

Also, people always accused me of apparently thinking I'm so much better than them; being vain and being stubborn and selfish.

My childhood just constantly felt like being overwhelmed by the situations I was in and then having to placate others and apologize for being overwhelmed. It wasn't a bad childhood, but it was exhausting.

My family (other than my mother) paid no attention to anything that I was interested in. From a young age, I liked trains and mechanical things, but family would gift me hairbrushes and make up. While my cousin who was diagnosed from a young age would be encouraged to like the things which I liked ...when he didn't even like those things - he liked cooking ! He was also allowed to hurt me and take my possessions and got a free pass because "he has Asperger's". I ended up just being interested in the things which made people the most pleased with me.... Then giving it all up totake care of family and household duties.

My mother later revealed to me that she'd always suspected that I had autism, but didn't want to get me diagnosed because of the stigma. To be honest, I wish I had been diagnosed. Even if others around me wouldn't have cared to learn about it, it would have helped me so much. I probably would not have constantly been walking around thinking that everything I said and did was just wrong and that I needed to change myself all the time to make people like me.

And yeah, to the Op, guys who are on the spectrum who I knew would get passes for being A-holes a lot of the time. The reason that girls learn to mask so well is because of how we're treated. We aren't given a pass for being even just a bit blunt. We're taught to handle other people's feelings with care and often put them above our own wellbeing and sanity. We're taught that the problem is us. Neuro-divergent boys aren't raised like this. It's not that they don't have it hard, but people's expectations for them are so much lower. They're.often diagnosed younger and are more.likely to get the help they need growing up. By the time they reach adulthood, it seems like they reckon that it's a given that people will take their condition into account. If they're not good people anyway, they'll just milk it for all it's worth.

In general, boys have it easier than girls and yet somehow escape accountability for their actions.

It's really important that girls get diagnosed and have a supportive environment where they can talk openly about their experience and perception in the world instead of all of us being funneled into a very specific box where we don't fit. Otherwise we just think that the problem is us. We waste so much time and energy trying to fit into the tiny realm of acceptability that we burnout.

DarbyGirl · 2021-08-23T14:52:32+00:00

I was diagnosed in adulthood this year with ADHD. I'm in my 40's. I was a loud and busy kid, but I did well in school. I picked things up quickly that I was interested in, and I became the queen of the last minute "getting shit done" to the point that I became very good at writing entire term papers the night before they were due and scoring well. I was very good at teaching myself new things - for example I always wanted to play piano but my mum wouldn't pay for lessons until I was 13 (idk why) so I taught myself.

I get into hobbies, get good at them, get bored, then drop them. I would start jobs and get bored a year or two into them. I stuck with one place for 7 years but that was because I kept getting do different jobs and learn new things. I've never been able to keep a clean room/space for long, it becomes cluttered rather quickly and I was always called lazy and a pig because of it. I also have severe time blindness.

The pandemic really hit me hard, having to transition to working from home, no external activities, really upended all my coping mechanisms and threw them out the window. I was scatterbrained, lost, distracted - I could see all the things I needed to do, I just couldn't do them. Friend of mine posted some meme's about adhd that really hit me hard and resonated with me. I finally took steps to get diagnosed the day it took me FOUR trips to the kitchen to get a goddamn fork. I kept getting sidetracked.

I was diagnosed in June and started meds. They aren't a miracle cure, but I'm better able to focus, and I don't have a constant soundtrack running in my head. While I wish I had been diagnosed younger it honestly would never have happened. My mother has always been super dismissive anytime I have said I didn't feel right, and always drove over my boundaries and made me stuff my feelings down. I learned very quickly that I needed to take care of everything myself because I would get no support from her end unless it was something she also wanted.

ilovewinniethepooh · 2021-08-23T18:29:46+00:00

I feel seen by this entire thread.

Thesociodark · 2021-08-23T19:02:59+00:00

I'm in the same shoes. I'm 19 and I'm very suspicious about having ADHD, but I was never diagnosed with it. When I was a kid, doctors said I was "the most energetic healthy kid they have ever seen in their lives" 🙄 Basically I was on the verge of getting a diagnosis, but it's still dismissed today as a nonsense since I'm doing good at school. Well, yeah, I do, but I have the attention span of a dead hamster among other things and it's seriously messing me up. I feel pretty lost tbh 🙁

throwaway-fds · 2021-08-23T14:43:52+00:00

Thank you for this post. I'm not diagnosed yet, but one of the lovely ladies here gave me a link to a resource to speak with a therapist after doing an assessment. I haven't done it yet because I've been swamped with work and now school.

It is SO frustrating and if you have a shitty childhood like me, you doubt yourself so much. I constantly ask myself; could this be autism, adhd, or trauma? I've had autistic women and men with ADHD TELL ME straight up that they think I'm on the spectrum and my therapist just says "I think it's trauma." and "My speciality isn't autism/adhd" in the same breath. I am automatically at a higher chance of having autism or adhd because my mother had me at a very old age and born premature (x3 more likely to have adhd).

There is no representation for autistic females at all, and if an autistic girl or woman dares to make her presence known then every scrote jumps on her saying she's faking it for attention. I'm sick of it.

shockingupdate · 2021-08-23T14:29:55+00:00

I was diagnosed in my early thirties. I can empathize with all those glittering stories of autistic male celebrities, and enjoy content from famous neurodivergent male YouTubers. But in the back of my head, I usually wonder what it must have been like to have parents and doctors doting on you in your formative years; to be sought after by tech companies because the male representation of autism looks like “productivity” to them; to not feel pressure to mask, fit in, “act right,” even around loved ones who ought to be safe for you, because women are supposed to wrangle the men, not the other way around!

I don’t like it, but I also don’t think about it often. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. There’s nothing I can do about the way I was raised and the way I was treated, but I can educate the dipshits at my job to understand that autism doesn’t always look like Alan Turing. I can cut people out of my life who feel the need to police my behavior. I can maybe even help little girls get the resources they need faster. I try not to think about the resentment, since it can only exist in my head, where it’ll fester.

Verbalizing it will anger the Autism Moms™️ and the bros who think being upset means we’re playing oppression olympics. 🙄

sofuckinggreat · 2021-08-23T18:56:50+00:00

Autistic male characters and portrayals in media: WoWwWw…. he’s so _troubled_…. so intellectual, so deep 🥺 What a trooper! What a beautifully tormented genius 😩

Autistic female characters and portrayals in media: Lmao it’s not a fuckable trait and you can’t stick your dick into the concept of ADHD or autism, so let’s pretend they don’t even exist. Who the hell has even heard of a neurodivergent woman anyhow? We wanna see some titties, not hear about how your brain is differently wired.

coolestgirlyoueverme · 2021-08-23T15:22:47+00:00

"I don't want to resent those who I should consider to be my brothers in arms."

I would not like feeling this way either but your anger and resentment is totally justified.

One of my sibling's friends - she was lucky I guess to diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but I still don't think she got much support as she did ended up getting kicked out of school and going to some kind of school for bad kids, which she dropped out of.....she was extremely hyper and I guess didn't get much support. Meanwhile I had male classmates that had ADHD diagnosis but they only took their meds before tests and if they were hyper it was tolerated. It's super unfair, you have a right to be angry.

mitskiismygf · 2021-08-23T17:47:52+00:00

It drives me crazy how men can be like oh nooo I'm depressed :((( (self diagnosed tho hehe) and you HAVE to blow smoke up his ass because he's so pwecious, but a woman can have a severe mental illness (like a personality disorder, schizo-type disorders, bipolar, anorexia, etc.) and get literally mocked into oblivion. I'm so over pandering to male "mental health" literally fuck off.

2021-08-23T21:31:06+00:00

Half of the women I know that are my age (30s) have, within the last few years, been diagnosed with ADHD. It's astonishing how many women were left to struggle and learn on their own how to cope on their own because it wasn't "as bad as the boys". I think I have a mild form of ADHD and my male therapist won't even discuss it with me. Thankfully my daughter's primary care doctor is willing to do the paperwork for home and school evaluations, and I'll be asking my primary care doctor for an evaluation for me, too.

It's fucking ridiculous that girls' symptoms are overlooked because they're not as obvious or out of control.

CroneRaisedMaiden · 2021-08-24T05:54:02+00:00

We get called Borderline and Histrionic while the boys were just hyper and different then it was autistic while we get the stereotypical negative dx — it’s interesting to see more studies and literature come out about how much trauma plays into BPD and is it really autism instead?

mashibeans · 2021-08-23T15:42:01+00:00

To your questions: No, did not get diagnosed, I don't think it was well known or known at all, back then. I actually just started suspecting it a couple months ago, I went to the website "Embrace Autism" and did a bunch of the tests several times, and it seems I'm on the spectrum. Yeap, I feel a lot of resentment, especially when they act like assholes and they throw the autistic card, and then people around them just baby them. As if the world didn't baby men enough.

Considering the possibility and doing the tests explains a LOT of situations throughout my life, and frankly, I also feel resentment for that. A lot of stuff my parents and society blamed on ME, even though it was just who I was, and for some things I genuinely could've used some guidance, forgiveness and patience. I didn't want it enough, I was "weak" for lacking self-control, lacking social skills, why can't I be more feminine, why can't I be like Suzie, etc. etc. etc. Everything was always my fault, and I got gaslit and negged to hell and back, which is sadly, the norm for girls growing up.

A lot of my other issues, such as my depression and anxiety disorders, and my eating disorders, and a lot of internalized hate, can be explained by simply the fact that I could be nuerodivergent and was constantly pushed, bullied and forced to conform to society's stereotypes and expectations for women.

If there's any silver lining, is that at least I can say I'm far more capable and stronger than I was, and than people think I am. I can pretty much feel their smugness and condescension, thinking I'm "lower" than them for not being as pretty, as smart, as "accomplished" (I'm not married or have kids, for many people that means "failure" for a woman), etc. They can all fuck off, we're queens and we've been on the receiving end of their shit for far longer than they can deal with.

thowawaywookie · 2021-08-23T15:24:32+00:00

Still undiagnosed. I'm under the label of depression and anxiety. That may be true but that doesn't mean I can also have ADHD.

msinclaire · 2021-08-23T15:52:59+00:00

I am well over 50 and know that at the very least I am on the spectrum. My son was diagnosed 25 years ago as autistic with adhd and I was in denial about myself so did not seek a diagnosis at that time.

At this point, my life consists of so many hacks and work-arounds to manage the adhd that I can’t even imagine what it would be like to not have to use them.

I went two years ago to try to get myself on medication to see if it would help, but with my crap health insurance a diagnosis would have cost a couple of thousand dollars which I couldn’t swing. Also at the time, I was told that they do not like to put people over 50 on meds for this. No reason given.

I did start self-medicating with cannabis after that, and through this have discovered the ability to focus and think long and deep without becoming distracted which has been life-changing.

scooter_se · 2021-08-23T17:57:38+00:00

I’m ND and it’s frustrating that boys were “allowed” to be rude and obnoxious, but I just HAD to “act like a lady.” If anything, this extra pressure to perform appropriately in public delayed my diagnosis by years because I was too “smart” and “well-behaved” to have ADHD. This of course ignored the extreme stress and inner turmoil I felt for years while putting on a polite, brave face.

Overall it feels like boys were told that it’s okay to act ND whereas girls were shamed into hiding their symptoms at all costs.

MissDesignDiva · 2021-08-23T19:48:36+00:00

I relate to this on a dang spiritual level! So Freaking Accurate! My story is a unique one. I was diagnosed as a kid with a thing called Dyspraxia (at the time back in the early 90s it was known as "Developmental Coordination Disorder"). Here's what's the more unique thing about my story, my parents did the steps with my school system to get me the help I needed, however the one thing they never did was actually tell me what it was that I had, or that my condition actually has a name. They just said "you're a slow learner" and that was that. I got a laptop because I was naturally slow at writing by hand (which I now know is a Dyspraxia thing), couldn't learn another language in school since I had enough trouble with english my native language (also a Dyspraxia thing), terrible at gym class (balance issues, coordination etc... which is once again a Dyspraxia thing). I can go on and on, so many things in my life boil down to "that's yet another Dyspraxia thing" but never knowing that's what I have until my mom finally told me in 2019, up until that point I just thought I was stupid or slow or whatever. And unlike ADHD/ADD there is no med for Dyspraxia. Probably the most disappointing thing to me is that where I live in Canada, due to my disability I should have been getting PWD $ assistance from the government starting at 18 had we known more about it and not been so ashamed of my disability to admit that I even have a disability, instead I only started getting $ assistance from the government at 30 years old, I have almost no savings, I'm 31 still living with my parents and struggling to get by day to day.

BoldBlackManta · 2021-08-24T01:41:11+00:00

I'm about 78% sure I'm on the autism spectrum and/or have ADHD.

I have time blindness, it took me until I was 15 to really learn how to be social without everyone treating me like a freak (and me not understanding why), I used to get very obsessive about certain things, the list goes on. My parents were 37 when they had me, which likely did have some affect.

The difference between me and the males on the spectrum who were around me was that I didn't expect society to change for me - I changed myself for society. I built up an arsenal of coping mechanisms and learned lessons the hard way. These days, people say I'm very charismatic and put together. It seems that way because I make notes for every little thing and consciously make myself be a good listener and try to talk about things I know people are interested in! But I still have issues, like often having a context in my head that I fail to get across, so I'm met with confused looks when I thought I was making sense.

You are so right that men are coddled in this respect as well as all the others. I've yet to see a neurodivergent female lead in any media, or a supporting character that isn't just extra quirky or outright strange. But ND men are portrayed with care and understanding and it's seen as brave and progressive. Plus they tend to make them either completely unrelatable or super hot - not just a regular person.

HeatherandHollyhock · 2021-08-23T18:05:19+00:00

I was a fifth child. No one ever cared enough to question my strange calmness. My introverted otherworldlyness. I was told by teachers that I write such great stories and also that my attitude was unbearable. I was a 'bad' Kid although I was always so reasonable. I self diagnosed shortly after burning thirty. My son was already 10 years old. I hear your rage.

PasDeTout · 2021-08-23T19:37:02+00:00

A rant very justified. Female autistics have expectations put on them that male autistics don’t. They’re still expected to be nice, polite and endure sensory overload without complaint.

Also mixed sex autistic support groups are a nightmare as too many autistic men think they’re suitable places to try to pick up women.

I’ve also noticed that autistic men in avoiding eye contact often end up staring at women’s chests when they’re speaking to them. Boundaries and appropriate behaviour don’t cease to exist because you have autism.

I also get sick of parents of autistic boys who think the world should tolerate their spawn’s unwanted touching. Nope. Do not teach your child that non consensual physical touch is okay. Autistic women aren’t known for being groupers so I’m sure autistic men can manage it.

hollyboombah · 2021-08-24T04:58:43+00:00

I've self diagnosed late in life (in my 30s) - about to undergo assessment, but I am sure they will dx me as I have found clinical assessments from when I was young saying that I match the symptoms of ADHD but I am not disruptive in class and I can focus on things I like, therefore I must not be ADHD and just have severe attention problems. I also resonate a lot with autistic traits in women, but have not organised an assessment for that yet.

It is aggravating. I am so angry that something that has negatively impacted my whole life was left unchecked because I wasn't a boy. I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder, treatment resistant melancholic depression (primarily because I couldn't get up to do anything [cough cough ADHD paralysis]), anxiety, cPTSD and have BPD traits. I've been told I'm messy, disorganised, perpetually late and forgetful, and that these are just because I am a shitty person, not because something was actually wrong and I needed help.

I have seen so many different doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists in my search for help, and none of them even suggested I might be neurodivergent. They all just told me I need to try harder, figure out the barriers stopping me from achieving my goals and work around them. My barrier is that I can't. Like, my brain just does not let me, even when I really, really want to. I will be sitting on the ground crying in frustration because I want to do basic tasks and I can't do them. I was always told it was just a motivation issue and I needed to force myself to because things would get easier if I just wasn't so lazy. I was so close to giving up on help forever when, of all things, I started using tiktok and getting a lot of videos about ADHD. I started researching it more, and began to realise that a lot of what is wrong with me is exactly the same as female-presenting ADHD and autism. And found the assessments from when I was a child, and looked through my old school reports that all stated how I am so smart but I just don't try enough, or I don't hand in assignments, or I am too distracted... So many people caught that something was wrong with me, and even though my parents did the right thing by trying to get me assessed, they denied it because I am a female.

I have frequent meltdowns from overstimulation and RSD - I was told I just have BPD traits and am manipulative and I internalised that. Every time I didn't want to be touched because it felt like ants were crawling under my skin, or I couldn't handle the lights being on or I just needed that sound to stop I was told I was being selfish and only thinking of myself. I do my best not to lash out because I've been trained not to my whole life. Men who have similar autistic meltdowns are just given a pass because they are men.

If I'm not diagnosed and given medical treatment after this assessment, I will just go see a new psychiatrist and lie about it. My family did everything they were meant to, and were denied. I did everything you are meant to do, and nobody helped me. I'm just going to help myself from now on, even if I do have to lie.

All of this because I am a female. My parents and some close adults around me suspected I had ADHD as a kid and the clinicians said no, because I am a female and it presents differently.

I sometimes wonder who I would have been, if medicalised sexism didn't exist. I wonder what I could have achieved if I hadn't been fighting this my whole life, alone.

valleycupcake · 2021-08-23T17:57:29+00:00

I was diagnosed at 8 with ADHD (mostly inattentive type) but I always felt blamed for symptomatic behavior. I remember being medicated, but not a lot of extra support to learn organization, goal setting, self compassion, how to take breaks that help me get back on track, that sort of thing. My sister was the neurotypical A+ student, and I was always compared to her if I brought home a mix of As, Bs, and Cs.

In high school I had had enough of my medication, which made me feel a way I didn’t like, so I quit it. I was in advanced classes and had better in class support but still was never taught general life skills that would’ve helped me adapt better. I didn’t wiggle so much and everyone just kind of forgot about it.

In college, I learned to knit and started knitting in class to help me focus. Still didn’t learn organizational skills but I did fine.

In law school, it started to get difficult. I had to stay in the top quarter of my class to keep my scholarships. I put off a final essay until the last few days, as the class was pass/fail. Then I got hyper focused on my topic, not studying for other exams, and the paper wasn’t half done by the due date. I took it on vacation with me, and pulled 5 all nighters in a row in borrowed adderall to get it done while doing family vacation stuff during the day. I started hallucinating spiders, and then home intruders.

When I got back, I asked my psychiatrist and my dean for support. I explained what was going on and got an adult ADHD dx, and accommodation on the paper. I went back on meds because I still didn’t know how else to manage it. I was never taught anything besides medication.

About 5 years after that, I read a book called Delivered from Distraction which explained everything I’d been through, and gave me joy about the unique ways my dx could enhance my life. My superpower is making connections other people can’t see. In my 30s as a new entrepreneur, I’m still learning life skills. Just finished my calendaring for the week and hopping back off Reddit.

I wonder if all the other possibilities for ADHD support would’ve been explored by my teachers and doctors if I were a boy.

LWF3957 · 2021-08-24T10:50:27+00:00

This is also why I stick to the female autism subs, because the ones with males in them suck. Men always make the conversation about themselves, and dismiss any experience that they have not personally had. Autism presents differently in women! You don't know what we go through, random internet autistic man.

Though the two female ones aren't that great either. Both mod teams have their own issues.

yeorre · 2021-08-23T22:35:40+00:00

I was diagnosed with ADHD very early in my childhood and despite my mother knowing about it, she never bothered to even look it up or inform any of my teachers (or even me) about this illness that affected so many parts of my life. I have no explanation why but it feels like ADHD in girls/ women are very dismissed or even outright punished while boys/men get special treatment and getting constantly sympathy by everyone around.

I’ve been called lazy, annoying or even outright stupid for the entirety of my teenage years and it caused huge damage to my self esteem because at some point you start to believe it. My love for art also got dismissed because it’s “not valued as much as maths” .

Like many other women; I learned to deal with it and mask it very well but I have to admit that I feel total resentment for the way I got treated. Even with the mistake my mother did for not telling teachers about it, none of my teachers every picked it up or showed me any sympathy. Instead I got sorted out as the problem child and they closed their eyes regarding any bullying I received.

I’m convinced.. if I was a guy, my mother would had cared more and teachers would had noticed. It’s just so cruel.

FemclFleshBeckyBones · 2021-08-23T15:29:13+00:00

Honestly, if you're out of school and don't need education accommodations i don't see the point in seeking a diagnosis. I live in a large metropolitan area and there are no services here for adult high functioning autistic people, let alone any catering to autistic women and their needs.

All that said, i don't really need support or services. Some social situations are difficult for me to navigate but i get through them and i keep it moving. Getting a ASD diagnosis didn't improve my life whatsoever because it was just another label. I didn't get any comfort from it.

Also, this content is probably best suited for FLUS rather than FDS because it isn't about dating specifically.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-08-23T17:40:34+00:00

I don’t notice autistic males getting pandered to.

They are mostly neglected, at least in Canada.

Technusgirl · 2021-08-23T13:08:53+00:00

I always wondered if I was autistic too, but I don't fit all of the traits like the social awkwardness. I think I might be high functioning, but I don't really have the time or the money to get an official test. I'm almost 40 myself. This really needs to be explored more in psychology.

Title	Male Neurodivergent PANDERING, and my seething resentment about it
Author	LateDiagnosedAutie
Upvotes	1108
Comments	109
Date	August 23, 2021 12:58 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/p9zazx/male_neurodivergent_pandering_and_my_seething/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/male-neurodivergent-pandering-and-my-seething.1060351 https://theredarchive.com/post/1060351

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