Submissive men and dominant women

Fan_Service_3703 · 2025-03-21T20:22:39+00:00

Hi! Submissive man here.

I have always been submissive in a romantic context. Even when I first started thinking about girls when I was about 10-11, it was always the confident, authoritative ones who held my interest (not the mean/popular girls though. I have utter contempt for aggressive bullies whether male or female).

You have to understand that if you want to get anywhere in life as a male, you'll need some degree of dominance, confidence and assertiveness (in addition to competence). Not saying this isn't also true to an extent for women, but generally women can get by in life on competence alone. In the mainstream discourse, masculinity is dominance. A submissive man is, therefore, an innately unmasculine man in the eyes of our current society.

In addition to this, while kink isn't exactly fully acceptable in the mainstream, the most socially acceptable form of it in mainstream circles is the "traditional" idea of it. Dominant male, submissive female. Maledom is heavily romanticised and has often broken into the mainstream (50 Shades of Grey etc). There has never been anything close to a "femdom" equivalent of that, though I see no reason why there couldn't be.

Even on places like Tumblr which lean radical feminist, there are plenty of posts portraying maledom relationships as romantic, with the Dom as her protector, and the sub as ethereally beautiful and desirable. Femdom is treated as something innately predatory and sadistic, conjuring up images like leather-clad dominatrixes. Femdom seems to defined by its most extreme variants like Fin Dom, Feminisation and (arguably) pegging. The implication is that the men obviously have something wrong with them for having such extreme desires, while women desiring to be submissive is just normal. Myself and my girlfriend are in a femdom relationship and do not do any of those things.

The fact is our current society just doesn't like men stepping outside their gender norms (it isn't hugely keen on this for women either, but they tend to get quite a bit more fluidity with it).

Psykotyrant · 2025-03-21T20:30:10+00:00

This is going to surprise some here, but I certainly wouldn’t mind being with a dominant woman.

As an autistic man, I crave stability, certitude, and I know I’m much more of a follower than a leader.

Me, with a woman that is assertive, strong willed and certainly not afraid to speak her mind? I wouldn’t mind that at all. Though I do not expect to become a slave either, I’d be fine with a relationship more slanted toward her, so long as some boundaries are set however.

Ego73 · 2025-03-21T19:56:11+00:00

As a switch, I'm not sure it's men you should be asking why submissive men are looked down on. I find that it's generally women who tend to expect men they're into to be superior to them.

I'm not really sure it'd be exactly hard to find one as a woman. There's a reason why dominatrix exists as a paid position: the gender ratio is skewed in your favour for the kind of relationship you're looking for. Maybe you could try going to some kink meetups and see if there's anyone with whom things click.

Peeloin · 2025-03-21T19:49:21+00:00

I am a submissive man myself, and I really hate dating because I know that most women would not be able to fill me sexually. There is also immediate assumptions sometimes negative if I express that I am "kinky" because then the assumption is that I am a man who likes to beat women for fun, which is not true. I tend to even shy away from dating straight women and I'd much rather date a bisexual woman for the simple reason that they might actually be open to something like this.

weenieandthebutt · 2025-03-21T20:28:43+00:00

I can't speak much about the experiences of dominant women but being a submissive man is certainly a death sentence in the heterosexual dating world. Go on a lot of Bumble dating profiles and see women place a huge emphasis on "confidence" and "ambition" which most submissive men don't fulfil.

Clean-Luck6428 · 2025-03-21T20:02:55+00:00

The other way round is that I’m soft dom and women regularly mistake me for a sub or switch just because I’m not overtly aggressive. The BDSM space is full of tropes and stereotypes informed by people’s personal neuroses.

The reason why we live in a world where sexual compatibility seems so hard to find is because the internet has made everything a caricature and the only way you can find a compliment is by making a caricature of yourself

Proudvow · 2025-03-22T04:50:29+00:00

Most women are not into that dynamic, and the women who happen to be are far outnumbered by the men who are.

So most submissive men cannot find a dominant woman, and are best off neither expressing nor even personally entertaining such thoughts. It's fantasizing about what will often never be.

Due to how submissive men are treated and shunned they often aren't out and about socializing either. So naturally you'll keep meeting men who aren't them instead, unless you search online.

wtknight · 2025-03-22T04:52:26+00:00

So what's your take on Submissive men, why it's still so looked down on and how one might improve their search for one?

It's looked down on because most women aren't attracted to submissive men. The women who are attracted to them are a minority.

Zabadoodude · 2025-03-21T20:24:11+00:00

In my experience even more dominant women usually want a guy that will push back a bit and "be a man" when it matters, or they quickly lose attraction. Maybe you're not like that, but that is probably where a lot of the confusion of the guys you dated came from. They may have had experiences with women with strong personalities that became dissatisfied when they successfully bulldozed their boyfriends.

In terms of finding a guy that is comfortable with the submissive role: you just have to be very clear that's what you want, and actually make sure their desires are taken into consideration when you have that relationship. Many people (men and women) think that being a leader in the relationship means you just do what you want. You still have to do the things your partner wants too, but you're now also responsible for figuring out what those things are and making them happen. Too many people think being dominant and masculine is the same as being a rude inconsiderate prick.

2025-03-21T21:50:19+00:00

There's a lot of things but generally submission in men is seen as the worst kind of weakness and something that can even take away your gender of being a man at all. Some of the people who buy into this dumb bullshit are men and they will freak out from what they see as you trying to tear them down and imply they're weak people who are barely even men. This reaction comes from how these men are treated and/or how they see people treat men. One quick look through this very subreddit shows you how people feel about weak men.

But I gotta ask, how are you finding these men to date? Are you doing this with traditional expectations that the man does all of the initiating? Because that will likely lower the pool of submissive men you find since being assertive in this low key extreme way (when compared to platonic relationships at least) is more common with men on the more dominant end of the spectrum than the submissive one. If you're not doing it already you'll probably have more success finding submissive men by being assertive and making the first moves yourself

WanabeInflatable · 2025-03-22T05:56:36+00:00

That's strange. In BDSM communities submissive men outnumber dominant women by order of magnitude

Livid-Log7463 · 2025-03-21T20:24:51+00:00

Submissive men are overwhelmingly going to be unable to date at all, save for a few exceptionally desirable ones, so that makes it less of a stigma and more of just a trait that significantly hinders them.

As for women who are dominant, there are plenty of men into that but the most desirable men, the very same men that women want, are less likely to be.

Big-Sir7034 · 2025-03-21T21:07:25+00:00

There are fuck tons of subs if you look in the right place online. Here, fet life. But it’s not like I’m going UwU in my personal life in front of acquaintances. The better I know somebody, the more I open up to them. The more I open up to them, the more submissive and dominant traits I may show. But I mean if it were to come up in convo with somebody I trust for whatever reason, I wouldn’t mind saying I’m a sub leaning switch if they were decent friends.

If you ask me, subs require a lot of attention (at least when in subspace). And I think people have a misconception that because women are “the fairer sex”, they deserve that kind of nurture, whereas men aren’t really desired so they have to earn their keep and provide.

Female doms are definitely in the male dating market. So much so that we have a problem with people exploiting male subs for cash, but findom is a whole other ass problem.

Guilty-Marzipan1058 · 2025-03-21T21:31:33+00:00

What do you mean by a “submissive man” exactly? Do you want to pay for his meals, are you gonna ask him out, or is it purely sexual?

DietTyrone · 2025-03-21T22:43:56+00:00

but submissive or even men willing to switch seems extremely rare.

This shouldn't be surprising. Most women are extremely turned off by submissive men. So most men who want any sexual sexual success are going to do their best to not be submissive or exhibit any traits like that publicly. They're not going to count on the tiny possibility of a woman actually finding that attractive.

Why is there such a stigma around submissive men and dominant women?

Mainly because of what I said previously. But also because men are attracted to traits you would consider feminine and women are attracted to masculinity. Someone who is gay, bi, or asexual can't exactly attribute their attraction to what the general population of hetero individuals find attractive because they're the Outliers, not the norm.

FewVoice1280 · 2025-03-22T06:18:20+00:00

A relationship is built on trust, loyalty and mutual respect. Seeking power dynamics in relationships is selfish and an immature outlook on partnership.

Trancetastic16 · 2025-03-21T20:40:25+00:00

As a switch Queer person, it’s also difficult for men to find dominant and/or switch women aside from the dominatrix services which are often profitable for average looking women.

Some men who are submissive may be willing to try for a romantic partnership if you try and reach out through such a means.

Otherwise as men and women who are gender non-conforming, we are always looking for a statistical minority in the usual methods to meet others to date online and at third spaces.

I’d advise continuing to do your best to be direct about what you are looking for from the get-go, do your best to filter for those who are honest with you, and seek those you are compatible with. Good luck.

NockerJoe · 2025-03-21T20:37:11+00:00

IMO submissive men aren't that rare, per se. A lot of them just aren't really outgoing and they have a similar set of expectations you'd find women have in men. I.E. they want a tall dominant woman to approach them and make them the little spoon and whatever else they're into.

Maybe its just the circles I run in since I also don't go very traditional these days but I get an impression that submissive men looking for dominant women is actually more prominent than it's ever been. Its just when I tell those guys to actually talk to women they don't want to.

Taking on that kind of role as a dominant woman means you're basically dealing with all the problems men complain about here to some extent, I think. Your target demo is really passive and their idea of who you should be means you need to do most of that early leg work and put the effort into figuring them out.

But this is just my opinion as a dude who isn't particularly submissive but has had some conversations with men who are.

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Kreeps_United · 2025-03-21T23:20:05+00:00

So what's your take on Submissive men

The same as dominant or switch men.

why it's still so looked down on

Society wants men to be strong and they see submissiveness as weak. And that's society as a whole, including a lot of people who think they believe otherwise.

how one might improve their search for one?

I always thought there were special only spaces for this. Maybe go around asking guys what they think of April Olsen and move on if they say, "who?"

Venus_On_Fire90 · 2025-03-22T00:19:02+00:00

[permanently deleted]

LapazGracie · 2025-03-21T20:13:18+00:00

Human nature.

Submissive men are rare because human males are usually not the submissive one. It's just like gay men are rare. It happens but it's not the norm.

Like trying to find a vegetarian tiger. It's just not in their nature.

Jumpy-Soap · 2025-03-21T20:33:49+00:00

I think I can see your issue finding submissive men.

Are you dating only black men?

The stigma is much stronger in the black community and many/most black men would never admit to it.

aslfingerspell · 2025-03-21T23:22:33+00:00

Among vanilla people, there's the usual stigma against kink in general. Even my more liberal-minded friends and relatives have a 2000s-era "We don't hate you let's just not talk about it okay?" attitude towards sexuality if kink is involved. Femdom in particular is seen as a very pornographic relationship dynamic where people are going to project a lot of things onto it.

My personal experiences with kink/BDSM are that dominant women and submissive men want different things, hence even among kink communities there can be a kind of frustration with incompatibility i.e. who has to be the more active partner who in turn needs to do more work for a scene. Submissive men are often the target of scammers or findommes and don't want to pay pro dommes, so there can be suspicion on that front. Dominant women, I've heard, can get absurd levels of harassment and boundary violations from men, so there's emotional exhaustion and physical fear.

Kinky dating IMO is basically the final boss of modern dating. It's literally every problem you could ever not want to have, all in one place, an order of magnitude worse than the vanillas have it.

TopShelfSnipes · 2025-03-22T05:47:05+00:00

Submission/dominance refers to two different things, depending on whether you are talking about in the bedroom or in the relationship.

In the relationship - I've always preferred egalitarian relationships. I despise pushovers. I'm competent, and I expect her to be too. I've dated spineless and passive aggressive people before, and it does not go well - I end up walking all over them (often unintentionally), they don't push back or stress test my ideas, and passive aggressive behavior really gets under my skin because it's subversive and manipulative, especially when I'm always willing to discuss issues openly. That said, I view an egalitarian relationship as one where neither partner "dominates" the other. We are equals, our opinions matter the same, and nobody gets to override the other. We reason, debate, discuss, and ultimately solve/compromise, with the goal being that everyone is happy - we don't split the difference, we don't alternate who "wins", and we don't pull rank. This doesn't require someone domineering, but I also think it's attractive and important to building a life together when your partner is able to go out and kick ass when they're not with you, even if they need to come back for moral support, or be a squishy mess sometimes in a moment of weakness - there's a general confidence/competence underlying that, so it's more than okay. We split responsibilities logically - I run my areas, she runs hers, and I can chime in on hers and she can chime in on mine, and we work it out.

In the bedroom - I prefer to lead attentively, but most sex is rarely as black and white as "submissive/dominant". I read her body language, and I facilitate an openminded and nonjudgmental experience where she knows she can speak up at any time. Now well into marriage, we have always communicated openly which has allowed us to reach new heights. Thus, despite generally leading during sex (which would typically put me in the "dominant" role), I do not make demands or override her wishes, neither one of us messes around with things like CNC because neither of us likes it, and if she were to tell me to change something up, do something different, etc. I would do it in a heartbeat just like she would for me (and at this point we know what's no-go for both of us so neither would push those boundaries). That said, it's fun to mix things up. I'll usually initiate, but sometimes she will. It's fun to mix things up sometimes. I suppose in literal parlance, the kink community would say that makes me a switch, but it doesn't really matter. Because in the bedroom, I may generally lead, but I lead secure in the knowledge of what she likes, there's open communication, and we are equals - which is consistent with the rest of our relationship. Nobody overrides the other, and fun and pleasure is always top priority.

Regarding your questions - yes, there is a stigma around submissive men. Submissive men are looked down on by society, because their submissive traits often correlate with other low value traits like furtiveness/ulterior motive, inhibition, lack of flirting skill, lack of fun, and lack of confidence - thus many that might be open to being submissive just come across as unattractive, period...or, they feel the need to compensate for their submission by trying too hard since their sbmission is viewed negatively in a professional and social context. I think a lot of men who are submissive are not submissive by choice - it's just the personality they've allowed themselves to acquire by being afraid to stand up for themselves, complacent, or traumatized...and they may secretly hate it, so the idea of signing up consensually to be in that role strikes them as humiliating so they actively rebel against it.

FWIW - I also think many women would revolt against the same kind of phrasing for a relationship...and the women in relationships would rightly advise those women to tread lightly around any man who demands a "submissive" wife.

I think ultimately you have to look at what you want and redefine it in terms of the "in the relationship/in the bedroom" perspective I've outlined above in terms of more specific roles. Are you looking for a doormat? Are you looking for a "sub" in the sexual sense, but an equal partner in the affairs of your household? I thnk you'll get more traction with specific issues, than by saying you want a "submissive" man - because the only type of men who will go for that kind of arrangement are the people with very strange kinks that might exceed even what you are willing to tolerate. Or the true desperates - the type of men who are so spineless that they likely either will not inspire attraction in you, or as a partner, will actively impede you from achieving your individual and joint life goals.

DelDivision · 2025-03-22T11:01:42+00:00

It depends on the context. Sexually and relationship wise i wouldn't mind it but when it comes to at home stuff as long you ain't picking out my clothes trying to get rid of my hobbies and things that make me happy I'm for that too.

SomeSugondeseGuy · 2025-03-22T12:44:00+00:00

I'm a switch myself.

The reason is because, from the moment we're able to speak, we're taught to be manly. Only we're never taught what the word "manly" means, so that ends up being "don't be like women".

And of course this is enforced by our parents, teachers, babysitters, etc. through endless, relentless shame whenever we do anything that is even remotely seen as feminine. Being submissive is pretty high on that list of things because of traditional gender roles.

GKilat · 2025-03-22T20:54:25+00:00

It's an expectation to be dominant and assertive as a man. Men are expected to protect as the physically stronger sex and being submissive isn't going to help that which is why it is looked down. This extends to relationship with the assumption men knows what they are doing and leads. Obviously, that isn't true because men can also do dumb things from being impulsive.

Personally, I exhibit both because while I know how to assert myself to avoid being a doormat, I also know when to submit especially to those I respect and trust the most. I don't have a problem being in control and yet would definitely give way to someone that knows better than I do. I would argue that men that find submissiveness uncomfortable does not trust their partner to do the right thing. Complete submission is as bad as complete dominance so a switch or somewhere in between would be the ideal state of mind in my opinion.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2025-03-23T00:10:43+00:00

Most people tend to look down on people who aren’t the way they envision their “ideal partner” to be like.

That being said, when people are impressed with other people, they bend their preferences slightly to accommodate that which they’re impressed with.

Most women want a man who is dominant in regards to other men because this is an indicator of safety.

TowerRough · 2025-03-24T06:09:42+00:00

That is why being yourself is absolute nonsense. There should be nothing wrong with lying.

left_shoulder_demon · 2025-03-25T07:26:23+00:00

I like being submissive if I feel I can trust the other person, so it takes ages to get a relationship to that point. If I'm to be a tool in your hands, it must be clear that it is you who is wielding the tool, and your responsibility alone to do so.

I don't care what other men think of me. They are missing out, not me.

VladTheGlarus · 2025-03-21T20:15:56+00:00

People are allowed to have preferences. You don't get to classify them as "stigma". And others don't get to classify yours either. What's so difficult to understand? You are shocked that the majority of men prefer feminine women? You need a reality check - you have a minority fetish, not those men. Their preferences are not "hiding who they are".

You seem to be avery confused young person. A little piece of wisdom from me - don't rush to pass judgement. People have their own experiences, points of view, hopes, dreams, priorities, view of the world and ways of processing information. More often than not those are different from yours and that's ok.

onestemcell · 2025-03-21T19:58:19+00:00

If you're in florida. Pick me, goddess

duenebula499 · 2025-03-22T13:23:04+00:00

Switch here, I've yet to find one single woman who didn't treat me far better when I was the dom. Like night and day. I can't imagine myself ever not being dom after seeing how stark it is

Freevoulous · 2025-03-22T21:04:21+00:00

The problem with dominant women is, where do you draw the line? I can be submissive to a woman in bed. But to be submissive in life, I would need her to be very competent at managing my life to let her rule, and that rarely is the case.

No-Rough-7390 · 2025-03-21T20:47:50+00:00

I think it can work if the roles reverse during sex. So submissive on the streets and dominant in the sheets. But that’s kind of rare, both in men’s nature and women who would actually be into that guy.

berichorbeburied · 2025-03-21T19:49:31+00:00

How do you even have sex with a submissive man?

Have you ever had good penetrative sex?

Have you ever orgasmsd from penetration

Just what type of sex is possible if the man is submissive

Is this another way of saying you don’t like piv?

I’m so confused at what it even means in this context

In my assumption

Seems like heavy non piv action?

Or you just ride him?

Or it’s not about sex at all

I need clarity

RapaxIII · 2025-03-21T20:19:57+00:00

I wish terms that only LGBT people use would stay out of normal relationships, it's depressing to see normal behavior get marginalized for no reason

Title	Submissive men and dominant women
Author	Venus_On_Fire90
Upvotes	57
Comments	198
Date	March 21, 2025 7:44 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1jgpmnz/submissive_men_and_dominant_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/submissive-men-and-dominant-women.1547214 https://theredarchive.com/post/1547214

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