So he’s too “busy” to date, but not too busy to use you for sex? 🤔

extraodi · 2021-12-28T15:28:02+00:00

“I don’t want to lose what we have.” You literally don’t have anything. It’s basically a bootycall. He gets all the perks of a girlfriend without the commitment.

MysteriousLife7 · 2021-12-28T14:31:40+00:00

A reminder for all of us to GET OUT the moment he leaves you feeling confused (“I’m scared to get rejected”), let alone when he says he doesn’t want anything serious!

Busyness is NEVER a legit excuse when he feels like he really can’t do without you. He just doesn’t want to! But don’t blame yourself for not being his “dream girl” either, he is very likely to half ass with every girl he meets. Get out before you get attached to someone who obviously treats you second-tier like this. 🙅🏻‍♀️

randomgirl34861 · 2021-12-28T15:09:27+00:00

If he wanted to make you his girlfriend, he would. Regardless of how busy his life is. My younger sister went on 2-3 dates with a guy right before he was scheduled to go to the academy for work. He was waking up at 3:30am daily, getting home late, doing grueling physical tasks, not eating enough (he needed to lose a little weight for the job). Every day he came home he ate and passed out. The weekends were for resting and recovering but he’d still manage to find a couple hours to take her to dinner. An inmate kicked him repeatedly in the stomach and it hurt him to sit up, but he still managed to get take away from her fav place. She really liked him and asked where they stood and he said he’d have to “think about it”. He used those few hours to make asking her out special by quickly gathering jewelry and flowers and writing her a letter. He was planning on doing it after academy, but because she brought it up and because he cared about her, he made his move because he didn’t want her to feel like this woman feels. Anyone who is ok with leaving you feeling this way doesn’t care about you. It’s a tough pill to swallow though.

throwawaynevermindit · 2021-12-28T15:29:30+00:00

He clearly has time for a relationship because he was essentially in a whole relationship with this girl. Just wanted to label it as something other than what it clearly was so he could play the "technically we never" card if he was ever asked to be responsible to the connection and found it inconvenient, and guilt her into submission if she was rightfully disgusted and upset.

We need a cultural shift toward recognizing and treating things as what they are, not as whatever paltering manipulators want to call them.

If they don't want labels to matter then let's really make them not matter - the activities define the relationship and its significance - you're doing what you're doing, bro, and it's not a casual thing to do.

Quick edit: This kind of situation is why the idea that men are the "gatekeepers of relationships" is such a giant lol to me. Refusing to label your full-on relationship isn't gatekeeping the relationship, it's smoke and mirrors. The woman's still in charge of the gate, she doesn't have to be giving him all this sex + material and emotional support/commitment... she just left it open and is letting him wander in and out as he pleases. If she and other women were exercising their right to actually shut and latch that gate, men wouldn't feel so powerful dangling a mere word ("girlfriend") over their heads like a carrot. They'd be too busy begging to be let in. The actual, daily realities of a sexual/romantic relationship - they need that sustenance at least as much if not more than we do. Their control over the development of relationships is so illusory.

The_Cat_Empress · 2021-12-28T15:20:34+00:00

"He offered to quit having sex"

He KNOWS she's in love with him...what a POS.

This is why men who don't like lAbElS squick me out.

PrivyPal · 2021-12-28T14:45:26+00:00

Oh god, I just read the first sentence and then knew I didn't even need to read the rest of that post. If he wanted to, he would.

poppinkitty · 2021-12-28T14:46:08+00:00

They basically do everything people in relationships do, he just wants to be community dick. She should get out before getting herpes. Don't chase 🤡 dick.

oricuri · 2021-12-28T21:27:18+00:00

A long time ago I had something similar happen:

Dude I really liked was actually clinically depressed and avoided telling me for a month. We used to have mutual friends, and even they knew. I confronted him after a month of dating. He “offered” me to just meet and “hang out” and obviously have sex. He’s just too depressed for more commitment. Oh, but you are not too depressed to fuck?! 🤣

Mind you, we were talking every day, meeting up for dinner, he always paid…

Luckily I was already on my FDS journey and we never got past one kiss. I broke it off and he was soooo surprised. Bullet dodged!

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-28T15:44:19+00:00

This resonates with me, even after a couple of decades after divorcing my first husband. I was like this, the main reason being I was financially dependent on him for a couple of years in grad school. Too afraid to ask for anything, and "lose what we had" which was a lot of not much. The moment I started working, got on my own two feet, is the moment I felt way more empowered to ask for what I needed and wanted. Took a while to learn, but every time I did it, I felt better; every time I shrunk myself, I felt worse.

What also helped me feel a lot better was naming what he was doing and how it affected me. He HATED it, so I knew I was on the right track. But by that time, it was honestly already too late. I tried to guilt him, shame him, bully and manipulate him into doing right by me, and he just couldn't. I don't know if he could but just didn't want to; I honestly think he didn't have the emotional or mental reserves to do anything more than be basic, due to his own issues he never dealt with. And eventually, I just went quiet, and started planning my exit.

I saw a video the other day that said if a woman is talking to you, she's telling you what she wants and needs; she's telling you how to fix things. When she goes quiet, it's over.

Determinedblonde · 2021-12-28T16:18:29+00:00

He didn’t cancel because of his job, he found cheaper sex.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-12-28T16:45:24+00:00

she did all the things people do in relationships (talking every day, being there for each other, going on dates) + had sex with him

he tells her he does not want a relationship and does all the things people do when they're in a relationship

she's the one confused. he only wanted steady supply of sex like you get in a relationship and all the relationship benefits without the commitment.

DarbyGirl · 2021-12-28T16:09:02+00:00

Being in a relationship with someone who is constantly on call or travelling may seem really cool at first, but it's super hard on a relationship. After awhile you will get tired of them having to cancel for work, or never being home because they are travelling. As someone who used to travel for work...it's not as glamorous as the movies make it to be.

Edit to add: no one should have to ask if they are going to make it official. You either are or are not in a relationship and there should never be doubt about where you stand in his life.

galian84 · 2021-12-28T16:53:41+00:00

Oh this poor woman. What was there to talk to him about? He already said he was “ToO bUsY” to make her his girlfriend. If she doesn’t leave him she will just cling on hoping he’ll change his mind one day (while he’s keeping his options open the whole time).

Males like that are just using you to keep their dicks wet and for on-call emotional support.

This happened to me too, and if even if you can somehow browbeat them into a relationship, they’ll still confuse you (my ex said he didn’t love me and I never knew when I was seeing him next because he was just “sOoOo BusY!!”

Not worth it. Don’t ever chase or beg males!!

wonkyeyes8877 · 2021-12-28T21:56:21+00:00

If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted her as a GF, she'd be his GF. It's not about the job. It's not complicated.

He DOES have the time for her and for the handful of other women he continues to talk to and likely have sex with while she isn't around.

Doctors where I work are on call 24/7/365 and they have wives who are SAHM. They're still trash because most male doctors are. But THIS is what you get when he actually wants you.

bleda_princezna · 2021-12-28T23:33:16+00:00

He has time to dangle the relationship potential carrot, but doesn't have time to become a couple. Makes sense.

This is so sad. The woman is afraid to speak up so she doesn't lose what little she has now, which is being used by him as he pleases and is forgotten about when he has a "better" option available. She's better off without him.

ububTkuc · 2021-12-28T17:06:46+00:00

The only thing she has to lose is regular sex…..and I suspect it’s crappy second rate p@rn-sick, limp d*ck sex too!

Skittleschild02 · 2021-12-28T20:58:49+00:00

Wait. Please, tell me he didn’t do a nonchalant “Oh. Okay. Let’s stop having sex, then?” to her. Because that’s what it sounds like she’s describing to everybody.

narinari2 · 2021-12-29T00:35:03+00:00

“I love the idea that you’re all mine” and that my dear, is why you’ll always be predators’ favourite prey… all they have to do is sell you a dream.

Olympia43 · 2021-12-29T09:00:38+00:00

The whole "I'm afraid to be in a relationship" bs is just so immature when you think about it. Like dude, breaking up always exists you know. If things do not work out, we are not magically bound and our lives do not depend on it.

I hope one day all women will wake up and realize how stupid and dumb this "excuse" is.

redpandanation_ · 2021-12-28T22:25:15+00:00

I hate this. Sounds like my ex. Total narcissist, definitely was only cancelling because he was going on dates/sleeping with other people. I hate men.

Ambitious_Flamingo93 · 2021-12-28T15:30:34+00:00

Men love to string women along and use them, but they want nothing serious.

Comfortable-Star-611 · 2021-12-28T16:44:17+00:00

If a man wants you, he'll do everything to get you. No such thing as "too busy". My husband has never muttered those words to me. Ever. He shows he wants me all the time. That's how he got me. Actions speak louder than words.

VenusSupremacy · 2021-12-28T15:49:03+00:00

Women should leave/stop pursuing any relationship where they feel like they have to chase a man. A man should chase you. Even men who purely want to use you or LVM chase women plenty. It’s the male’s role. If you have to chase a man, he is NOT worth any of your energy. He doesn’t care about you enough to chase you and make you his girlfriend OR he has become complacent OR he can sense you are chasing him and he likes how much that strokes his narcissistic ego. A lot of male dating strategies involve emotional manipulation. This includes getting some girl to obsess over him and chase him.

And not to mention, when women chase men, that basically negs all women. Women are gold whilst men are bronze.

corkymuu · 2021-12-28T15:56:57+00:00

I don’t know how these women can be so gullible. Like they don’t understand men at all. They’re not just us with different genitalia. They’re totally emotionally stunted creatures in comparison.

Uruzdottir · 2021-12-28T17:20:08+00:00

She wants to know if she should move on? Move on from what, exactly? This is a series of booty calls, not a relationship.

Sad.

over--tired · 2021-12-28T18:26:53+00:00

It needs to ben taught that if you start having feelings for a guy who just wants things to be casual you break it off immediately. It's not worth the time and the heartbreak spent on a relationship that was never real (at least on his end).

Maleddie · 2021-12-28T18:40:48+00:00

I have a friend in this situation :( I've tried to tell her, but because he's nice when they're together and claims it's because he needs to put his family first, she thinks he's a lovely caring guy who will one day have more time for her. I do think it's coming to an end finally (after seven months of dating and sleeping together). I feel for her because our hometown is a dead end for men and she doesn't meet many men with her interests, which gives her scarcity mindset. It's been hard to watch though!

BigDebbie4ever · 2021-12-29T03:17:15+00:00

I hope she allows herself to be sad that the relationship is over. Because she can absolutely call it what it is...a relationship, dating, a lover, whatever. I hope she doesn't gaslight herself into thinking...oh he was never my boyfriend so I can't be sad. I'd tell her to walk away and be a little sad, but don't continue to disrespect herself.

Shehyzers · 2021-12-28T15:04:55+00:00

Nobody is ever too busy.

lansburysoda · 2021-12-28T18:01:10+00:00

Serious question, but how do we avoid this before having sex? No sex before commitment?

Attheatelier · 2021-12-28T15:37:10+00:00

That's just sad and pathetic... People really need more self worth, yikes.

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2021-12-28T20:50:34+00:00

He's never " on call" for his job, that's his wife or main girlfriend.

usernamewhichiafree · 2021-12-29T00:07:41+00:00

If you give a man already everything he wants, why would he bother to make it official and give you a title?

LutanaWillow · 2021-12-28T20:45:54+00:00

A job he is always on call for is definitely something a guy like that would use to go do whatever he wants. If I was in that situation I know I would feel some form of rejection every time he hangs around to do relationship things and then disappears. So the conversation about it would make rejection a real possibility, but at the same time, consistent smaller versions of rejection aren't much better.

adhd-brain · 2021-12-28T22:00:50+00:00

This literally just happened to me :(

ChildToeEater · 2021-12-28T17:00:44+00:00

This pretty much happend to me if he int willing to commit just end it before her goes and finds somone else the pain isint worth his "love"

angelgoddessbeb · 2021-12-28T14:40:18+00:00

all i can think of when i read this was the korean Disgusting Shitttt meme

LA2Vega · 2021-12-28T23:40:31+00:00

Move on

Title	So he’s too “busy” to date, but not too busy to use you for sex? 🤔
Author	MysteriousLife7
Upvotes	717
Comments	71
Date	December 28, 2021 2:28 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rqh2x0/so_hes_too_busy_to_date_but_not_too_busy_to_use/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/so-hes-too-busy-to-date-but-not-too-busy-to-use.1090243 https://theredarchive.com/post/1090243

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