Do wholesome, romantic relationships based on genuine love exist in adulthood?

midwesternMD · 2022-06-19T21:23:00+00:00

Hollywood doesn’t depict wholesome romantic relationships based on genuine love. Hollywood depicts unrealistically dramatized romantic themes that have no bearing on reality. People fart. They throw temper tantrums. They make stupid/irrational decisions. They say/do hurtful things. In short, people are flawed.

Showing flaws on the silver screen isn’t glamorous or particularly audience friendly. And like most forms of entertainment, the goal is to drive ticket sales. It’s not to depict real life. Or real love.

If you haven’t sorted this out by now, I don’t think you’re ready to “date as an adult.”

Relationships can be somewhat transactional in some respects, but they don’t need to be. And I say this as a man who is fortunate to be financially established in my mid-30s.

I look for women who are attracted to me because sex is still very important to me. They usually don’t have a clue about what my finances might be like until after we’ve had sex because I don’t talk about my career/broadcast it on my dating apps, and I can get away with a vague answer about what I do for a living at least once. For me, this is enough that I know that the women I date are into who I am and not as much into my “status” or “resources.”

And I don’t care about showing off the women I date. In fact, I’d rather not show them off. I’m as private with my dating life as I am about my professional life. Am I looking for “how she might benefit me?” Absolutely. I look for whether we’re attracted to each other/are sexually compatible, share compatible life goals, share compatible relationships with money/debt, share family planning goals, etc. That doesn’t make dating transactional. It just recognizes that there are a lot of variables in what constitutes a partner, and that you can only prioritize so many before the pool of eligible people drops off to nothing.

Katatonicsnake · 2022-06-19T21:57:49+00:00

Romantic movies are pretty horrible imo. Those relationships are usually quite toxic and consuming. I never dreamed about a relationship, even my dolls were always unmarried business women, and that was mostly because I thought it would be something like what you described.

What I found out after meeting my husband is that life is so much more fun and easier with someone you actually want to be. Good relationship is a healing experience, but it’s not always pretty.

LSX81 · 2022-06-19T19:01:15+00:00

Probably not from my experience 16-23/24 is basically where that exists then it goes by what you provide for the other person may it be financially, romantically, or socially.

Even at those young ages its still mostly based on social circles/ attractiveness.

PinkPurpleGreenx · 2022-06-19T20:18:23+00:00

I hope they do, I’m hopeless romantic. But I will be fine single the rest of my life if I never fall in love. I can’t be with someone just for benefits.

MrMushySauce · 2022-06-19T20:37:55+00:00

Fuck yeah this doesn't have a CMV flair

I totally relate to this. I had a love-based relationship from 19-23. It was so great.

I've dated for 18 months now since that one ended. Every mf girl is always interviewing me like it's a goddamn job. I've had one date where that wasn't her vibe, and I actually kinda liked her--but she was moving back home to another country in a month, so we broke things off.

I don't really get it, to be honest. I can't do transactional, at all. I just can't. I need to vibe, I need that to my best friend, I need to feel. Without feeling I just don't want a woman in my life. None of these women feel.

They also just don't seem to have hobbies. I talk about pursuing my hobby and improving at it... they don't care because it doesn't make money. I've fucked some of these girls post-college, post-LTR, but none of them have real emotions.

To be honest I think it's a combo of: these people have been burned and thus have no feelings, and also the good ones get taken quick. There's even aspects like... I want a quick-flame type situation. With my past LTR, I had exactly that. It was amazing. Now I get "I'm not into hookups." Girl, STFU. I am not befriending you and building a fake friendship to get your pussy. You like me, or you don't. You take a chance, or you decide the chance isn't worth it (quite possibly what they're deciding).

I've had a lot of tough economic times in there too which has really been woman-repellant. Which is ridiculous. I am a young, very intelligent dude. I'm not going to be making 40k at 30 lmao. Guaranteed I make at least a decent salary down the line. Why not invest in a dude like that, at the point I'd be most receptive to your investment? Why wait until I've made it and I'm going to see you as the thot that you're being?

tl;dr, I completely agree, OP.

John_Oakman · 2022-06-19T20:47:27+00:00

It is not a story that the PPDers would tell you.

ruboyuri · 2022-06-19T21:10:57+00:00

Do you know that not hot/young people get into relationships, and also claim to love each other ?

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-06-19T19:04:38+00:00

Idk where you got the idea that wholesome love exists for teens/early 20s. If anything, those are the most shallow and selfish relationships in existence since teens are stupid selfish creatures.

Wholesome genuine love can only exist after you've been together for 20+ years, experienced each other at your worst, hated each other, been disappointed in each other... And after a whole lifetime of that, if you still choose to be with the other person because somehow, unimaginably, the good still manages to outweigh the bad... Then you have wholesome romantic love.

shonenhikada · 2022-06-19T23:02:21+00:00

Bodybuilding.com/misc use to have a fun meme with regards to teenage and adult love.

Here it is.

you have missed out on teenage love

"you'll never be 15 and in love

lying on the grass on a warm summer night, watching the stars, carelessly chatting

not worrying about rent, bills, student loans

only worry in life is how you're gonna cheat on that history test on Monday

you'll never take a young, tight, hot-bodied girls virginity, pulling out to cum all over her back and have her look in your eyes and say "I love you"

you'll never have a girl around every day after school, pretend to be doing homework together, but instead just fuck like rabbits

you're in your 20's now

gotta get a good job

gotta be a serious man now

all the good ones are taken

maybe a nice girl will eventually settle with you

they have already felt all those new exciting feelings before, and are usually jaded and bitter

you missed what it feels like to have not a care in the world other than making your girl happy

you have missed out on teenage love"

freespirit1963TJ · 2022-06-19T19:49:43+00:00

I believe there is, it can be difficult...if not Impossible to find. I'm going to make a few generalizations; people many times make the mistake of becoming seriously involved with someone, without knowing them very well. People get seriously involved with someone, void of having much in common. People work too hard at making a relationship work, that wasn't meant to. People change dramatically between 18 and 40. What they like and don't like about their SO is no different. People try (for the most part) to be in their best behavior early in a relationship. They may even let on that they enjoy something that they actually don't, just to appease someone they like. Raising kids is the most difficult thing to do as an adult. Maintaining a relationship with a spouse or SO is second

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-06-19T21:11:44+00:00

Sure they do, but unconditional love doesnt exist.

The truth is that genuine love can exist, where you are happy and you like to make your significant other happy too.

But an even harsher truth is that love has conditions. And often that condition is that you don't make my life harder than it is.

I think as we get older and get more experience we learn that the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. That after 2 years, 5 years, 10 years vibing and feeling aren't enough. The truth is that more than just "feelings" you have to deal with the cold harsh reality of life. What happen s when someone is sick, do we have the same financial goals, are we fighting over money, why is the house always dirty, are we spending enough time together, can we deal with each other's families etc

And that means that what the heart wants, the head should probably evaluate.

Ive met guys who make me feel, who vibe, who were attractive but also knew they weren't on my path. And that's not something I knew I could deal with in the long run. We see it in our friends who are in not so great relationships because they followed their whirlwind romance and as it turns out... Major incompatibilities later on. So we learn to be more cautious. More discerning.

That doesn't mean that love is all transactional. There's a middle ground between all love is romantic and no love exists. It's I love you, I vibe with you, but I'm also going in eyes wide open to see if we could make it post honeymoon phase. Do we have the same values and beliefs? Do our love languages mesh? Do we have the same goals? Are we financially on the same page? Kids? Can we deal with each other's families and cultures?

ashpr0ulx · 2022-06-19T21:13:25+00:00

i’m lucky enough to see examples of happy and healthy relationships around me, as well as being in one. i think true love exists but it’s hard to find and harder to keep.

Pigeon_of_the_sea · 2022-06-19T21:44:33+00:00

Of course they do! But loving someone for "who they are" includes loving a person that maybe works hard, puts effort into themselves and the relationship, someone that you can see a future with. A lot of qualities that people are looking for are part of who someone is, including things like financial stability, health, or sex drive.

06534956 · 2022-06-20T17:59:55+00:00

True love is something that is built upon over time, and it takes effort from both parties. Not just to build, but to not take away, either.

My husband and I married after a short dating period. We don’t have the expectation that we know each other. We have the expectation that we are still getting to know each other, so there’s a lot of grace given when one of us messes something up.

That’s love right there, in action.

Barneysparky · 2022-06-19T19:13:49+00:00

My first big "love" was based entirely because he looked like a cross between Matt Dillion and myself. I was 13.

We had zero in common, and frankly, he was pretty stupid.

Hardly the highlight of the times in life I have fallen in love.

Business-Cheesecake2 · 2022-06-19T20:52:06+00:00

idk I know some broke chads living on the couch, eating very well.

I sell clothing and have met up with many women purchasing there men items.

TheMorningJoe · 2022-06-20T00:09:55+00:00

Nope, everything is a transaction, everyone uses you for something at least in my experience. I’m probably the cynical one here lol

DrinkItInMan11 · 2022-06-19T21:30:10+00:00

Yes they do but they're more of an outlier than anything at this point.

Most people are out for themselves. I don't blame them either.

vogel777 · 2022-06-19T22:46:17+00:00

I think that it might be possible that as we get older and the reality if life sets in having to keep a roof over your head or food on the table, the understanding that money worries are a horrible life sapping thing to endure that someone male or female who just takes and doesn't contribute in any way can be problematic. After all adults are not children and things like illness, education or caring responsibilities aside we all have to contribute what we can to our families and communities.

However that is not the same as saying unless a man is wealthy and high status or a woman is hot and young then I couldn't love them or be with them. Lots of overweight post menopausal women have husbands that adore them and lots of poor, working class men have wives that love them. Couple that stay together and care for each other when they are sick or when their extended families are ill or elderly. I see it all around me , couples who mark their devotion to each other in service to the other. They are each others lover, friend and family. Love is in fact that service and devotion you each show the other.

I personally don't see lots of late teens / early 20s girls with older guys who are 30 + in general I always see people with partners more or less their own age. I think social media shows guys talking about how to date hot young women and women saying stuff like "secure the bag" but that isn't representative of real life its just social media hot air.

It's reasonable to say young love is more innocent and at thar age the newness adds intensity but it's also less substantial than a mature love where you see your partner for who they are good and bad and you love them anyway and that love is expressed not only through sex and romantic gestures but also in service to them.

bluestjuice · 2022-06-20T00:29:27+00:00

My teenaged-and-early-twenties relationship was a trainwreck in so many ways.

Adulthood is amazing in comparison. I’ve learned how to relate to people, I know how to find the people I truly jive with, I’ve had much deeper, more meaningful romance (as well as friendships of every flavor).

SmakeTalk · 2022-06-20T02:49:38+00:00

Absolutely. It exists for a lot of people but like so many things in life you only find what you're looking for. If you're gonna look for and expect people who treat relationships like transactions that's likely all you're gonna see or find, but a lot of people are looking for that sort of love and manage to find it.

I personally found something in between the two, and I absolutely adore it. We both know that we're together because we can improve each other's lives but we've also found a serious joy in caring for each other and being together. It makes me feel like a kid again but just.. more cognizant and realistic. It's great.

toosexyformyboots · 2022-06-20T04:14:30+00:00

Can confirm! I can think of three off the top of my head. They’re not perfect, but they love each other. One pair are 27, have been dating since college - he’s a bit of a slacker, but he keeps her calm & balanced. She’s a workaholic and a no-nonsense person, and she keeps him - well, sort of more together as a person, helps him remember to pay his bills and bring his car to the shop. They cook dinner together every night, intensive-ass meals, and then they settle down for a show before bed if they’re not going out. Second pair are twenty and twenty-one - twenty y/o helps him remember to have fun and to deal with his emotions every once in a while, and he…well, he just really loves her. That’s the main thing he does for her. Last pair are in their 50s, married since they were fresh out of college. I can’t even begin to break down their relationship and all the good things that’ve come from it, including their kids. Sometimes they snap at each other, and they’ve had hard times, but you can just see how excited they are to spend the rest of their lives together, and how happy they are for the times they’ve had. Love is rare, but it happens!

Marisa_Nya · 2022-06-20T09:12:56+00:00

This sub is far too along being taken over by red pillers if it doesn't think there are. For one, I think many of our parents in this very thread are probably wholesome enough, and some have been together with a few hiccups since a young age. Aside from that, you've probably seen 100s of fat couples in your life, especially if you live in the south. For many people, their personality is all they have with that sort of thing, yeah? And those families have kids and everything. Honestly, your problem might be that more people than ever are putting sex over marriage, but among those who take relationships seriously yes of course there are wholesome relationships considering marriage is the GOAL.

Mysterious_Ad8665 · 2022-06-20T10:34:04+00:00

I mean, by "wholesome romantic relationships based on genuine love" do you just mean two hot people who want to have sex because they're hot? Is... that wholesome?

Thiccsmartie · 2022-06-20T11:25:00+00:00

You don’t see many 30+ man with late teens/early 20s women in every day life.

pussy_destroyyer · 2022-06-20T11:31:00+00:00

In my opinion it does. Maybe not the way it’s portrayed in movies. Obviously no matter what, if you’re in a LTR it’s gonna get hard at times and you need to put in effort to make it work, you don’t stay in the honeymoon phase forever. But relation that aren’t reliant on some sort of gain definitely exist. In fact, That’s what I witness most of the time. No weird hypergamy chad/Stacy shit, just two average normal people who fell in love and decided they’re compatible enough to stay together. People portray relationships as incredibly transactional on here, don’t let that get you down.

Friedidli · 2022-06-20T12:48:49+00:00

They don't. Hope that answers your questions.

Holiday-Reach-8948 · 2022-07-29T16:40:42+00:00

I’ve been married for 21 years. We started dating when I was 18. We definitely have that romantic kind of love.

There have been times when we’ve been pretty financially set, and other times not. I’d live in a shack with him if necessary because I love him unconditionally. I don’t give a flying fuck about lots of money. Money doesn’t snuggle me at night or give me butterflies or make me feel respected and loved. And even if it did, I prefer the warm touch of my man.

We put thoughtful effort into our relationship though. We’ve had hard times-I just got out of a libido rut and it was hard. Putting in the thoughtful effort = now we’re back on track and having probably the best sex we’ve ever had. Send flirty messages throughout the day. I’m in my 40’s and feel like I did at 18 when he first snagged me.

People run too easily at the first sign of trouble or they don’t address it until they resent the person. You have to work through all that shit to reep the rewards.

So no, you’re not naïve for wanting the type of relationship you’ve described. It’s hard to find, but that’s part of what makes it special.

sarkington · 2022-06-19T18:47:38+00:00

If you use your eyes and ears and don’t call everyone liars, yes

no_usernameeeeeee · 2022-06-19T21:13:43+00:00

Are all y'all from broken homes or something? Yes, wholesome, genuinely loving romantic relationships do exist lol. No, they are not like in the movies because they're not mass-marketed idealized depictions of human experiences made to be consumed in a singular 2 hour sitting. Like the rest of real life it is messy. Doesn't make it lesser though.

Opening_Pattern_301 · 2022-06-19T20:33:24+00:00

Yes, i can corroborate, but far away from being a matter of who you know, is a matter of who you are and what kind of behaviors and ideas you have of love and relationships, is more important to be the right person than to meet the right person and im willing to kill whoever challenges me on that hill, loving someone for what you can get or take from them isnt love, idk who started it but i can only say that people would rather say "I love you" to not appear shallow and trick some ignorant fool into falling for it, cuz obviously "I cheated on you but i love you so i want to make it work" sounds better than "I find you repulsive but at least i get something from you so please dont dump me".

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-06-19T18:50:14+00:00

Where you lose me is the movie reference. Unless it's a documentary (and even then...), movies are fiction. If you're expecting a movie life, you will always be disappointed.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-06-19T19:30:09+00:00

They can, but that movie love is a fantasy, middle school and high school is really the one time where that kind of thing dinnerly can happen, nobody really has any money and we don't have the pressure of society on us yet so it is more about teenage infatuation and love, and maybe even early college.

However when you get past that phase then becomes more rare, life happens to us we have bills to pay, we have dreams we want to make happen, children, jobs, different goals, different life experiences and so on and so forth and you start to think a little more logically, more practically, not saying that you lose all of that youthful spark but there's things you have to think about , so yeah it still exists, it just becomes a lot more rare

Now a possible exception could be when you get into your 50s, or just generally later in life, one of my uncles got remarried in his 50s, both of them had already had the kids they're going to have, don't work as much anymore and they just kind of enjoy each other's company so I'll throw that in there

Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-06-19T19:35:48+00:00

Yes, there are hundreds of millions of them. But they are all on Facebook, so that’s why if you are under 35 you have no idea they exist.

DiscoVersailles · 2022-06-19T20:18:58+00:00

I met the love of my life on tiktok at 25, and he was 29. I’m now 27 and he’s 30. We just moved in together and are engaged. Sometimes I see him in my house, just doing mundane tasks and I’m overwhelmed with the butterflies I have in my stomach for him. We have regular play tickle fights, we love to make eachother life and do things for eachother.

Love is real. It’s possible. You need faith, you need to trust and you need to be yourself.

sunsetgal24 · 2022-06-19T19:53:44+00:00

I would argue that relationships like you see in movies don't exist - because they are very glamorized, idealized and not at all what real, healthy relationships look like. To be honest, I don't even want a relationship like in a movie. They are almost always very forced with people who barely know each other, with no real, deep respect being shared between them.

That being said, healthy and fulfilling relationships absolutely do exist. They are not easy to find, because it is difficult to find someone who fits what you want and need and who you do the same for. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.

It's probably gonna be easier to find one if you stop thinking about relationships in movie terms and start actually thinking about what an ideal relationship would look like to you, and then sharing that with potential partners in order to find out if you complement each other or not.

toasterchild · 2022-06-19T20:01:42+00:00

Nah. They actually exist but they take effort to maintain unlike in movies. You have to put effort into enjoying time together and not let life and kids and chores take over everything.

AelfredRex · 2022-06-19T23:10:07+00:00

Yes. They do.

Catherine772023 · 2022-06-20T14:04:09+00:00

Most teen girls would rather date a guy of a similar are than in his 30s. Exceptions exist but not as much as them hooking up with each other. Their parents provide resources so they won’t need a male provider unless they plan to become a SAHM or gold digger. Often an adult.

MelodiousTones · 2022-06-19T21:22:18+00:00

Yes. I’ve been in this kind of relationship for 21 years.

goatismycopilot · 2022-06-19T19:23:05+00:00

There are no wholesome genuine romantic relationships even among teens prior to young adulthood. That is all a fairytale. I am sure there are individual examples that counter all that but in general the neo spiritual union of kindred spirits in a perfect arc untainted by anything other worldly is a myth.

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FFTzzz · 2022-06-19T23:32:29+00:00

No, they don't .

Lysa_Bell · 2022-06-20T06:30:14+00:00

I will be 34 this year. I met my bf when I was 29. He had spend the last 10 years for his dying mother. He had no school degree, no driving license, no job, was living with his parents. I have a degree, I was self employed, living in my own flat.

He is the best thing that ever happened to me. Before I met him I gave up on relationships. He is absolutely amazing and we both met in very dark times of our lives. Love is possible if you don't focus on what the other can provide for you but rather how much love and support you can give.

Critical_Economics30 · 2022-06-20T18:13:56+00:00

I think wholesome, romantic relationships are more so built on friendship. Love because anything is still conditional & therefore begs the question of if, even that, is genuine.

abaxeron · 2022-06-20T20:20:29+00:00

"Wholesome, romantic relationships based on genuine love" is something you can hope for, but not something you can count on. And even when you get one, you can't count on it to last.

hsvgamer199 · 2022-06-21T05:29:29+00:00

Unfortunately romantic love is not unconditional. There's always a catch or cost.

Admirable_Bee_8714 · 2022-06-21T13:54:55+00:00

There is no such thing as unconditional love among human beings. Maybe a mothers love but that might be the closest thing that I can think of. Between husband and wife - entirely transactional. Man is the mule and the woman needs to keep him alive long enough to get a pay out for herself and any kids.

_Excellent_Tree_ · 2022-07-06T19:00:05+00:00

There is ”provide” and there is ”provide”. It is totally reasonable for a woman to want a man where they can afford raising a child? It’s like being upset if men don’t want infertile women.

Title	Do wholesome, romantic relationships based on genuine love exist in adulthood?
Author	Glass_Bucket
Upvotes	30
Comments	96
Date	June 19, 2022 6:43 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/vg1ogc/do_wholesome_romantic_relationships_based_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-wholesome-romantic-relationships-based-on.1120827 https://theredarchive.com/post/1120827

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