What are your thoughts on the idea of "if he wanted to, he would"?

thetruthishere_ · 2022-09-18T21:21:29+00:00

There is a reason “He’s Just Not That Into You” was a best-seller other than the fact that our country is horny and depressed and stupid. Generally, once you account for one-offs (a week traveling for work, some unexpected events) people make time for things they want or enjoy.

Sad_Entertainer6312 · 2022-09-18T21:01:06+00:00

I think it’s more or less true, with a caveat I’ll mention below. I also don’t think it’s gender-specific, and I’ve found it a useful antidote to the tendency to get your hopes up and make excuses for someone you’re excited about who isn’t meeting you in the way you want.

There is some wiggle room in it, so you shouldn’t take it entirely literally in all circumstances. Like, my last long-term partner never made a move on me or formally asked me out. That’s because he was super, super shy. However, he was still showing me lots of desire to spend time with me, which made it clear he was interested, so when I was ready I made the move.

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-09-18T21:03:57+00:00

I think for shy men, they tend to not initiate but a lot of women would see that as a negative trait anyways so yea.

throwawaylessons103 · 2022-09-18T21:12:20+00:00

Before you two bang? Not neccesarily true.

After you two are already banging? Yes, usually true.

If he's screwing you and not initiating dates, texting you at normal hours, and trying to progress the relationship, it's because he's not interested.

baresquad · 2022-09-18T21:36:45+00:00

I’m a firm believer in it and tell it to my female friends because I know that I operate by it. If I wanted to, I would have.

It’s also helped shaped my mindset to a point where I have 0 hang ups but in the reverse. If she wanted to, she would, she didn’t so oh well, and if she wanted to and didn’t, it’s at an equal loss where nothing can be done about it now, so no reason dwell on it or be confused.

chalkandapples · 2022-09-18T21:08:28+00:00

It's not a clear cut rule. I generally agree that if someone likes you, you would be able to feel it and see it in their actions. And I also generally think that it's not good to presume that someone likes you more than what they have made clear to you in actions and words.

At the same time, men are just people and can be shy. Men also don't want to presume that you like them. The same gesture can mean much more when done by one guy vs another.

Both parties want to see reciprocation from the other, because if they actually don't like you, the right thing to do is to stop bugging them. So while yes, if he wanted to he would, but if he doesn't feel somewhat equal interest back, it's reasonable for him to stop even if he does like you.

2022-09-18T21:49:50+00:00

Holds some truth, but some people won't make a move due to shyness, uncertainty, or anxiety. If a woman really wants to know, she can just ask or make the first move herself. It's 2022. Risk of rejection is intimidating but it's worth the risk if it's someone you really want; isn't it better to know?

If you want someone, go after them. If you aren't willing to, then imo you're a coward and didn't deserve them.

If they mattered to her, she would. You can't say "fuck gender roles" then literally continue to abide by gender roles. Put up or shut up.

SeasonPositive6771 · 2022-09-18T21:13:58+00:00

I think it's an oversimplification but is generally true in both directions.

It doesn't apply to some things, like a guy I know who broke up with a girl because instead of their planned weekend together, she went to her aunt's funeral. His friends told her that if she wanted to go she would, and that an aunt is not that close of a family member, etc. Doesn't apply in that case.

But if it's a case of someone who wants their partner to be an equal or wants to do certain things, it can apply for sure.

One of the things I hear someone often is he or she never texts or calls me. That's potentially a sign of "they're just not that into you."

ashleyrose56 · 2022-09-18T21:45:05+00:00

I have found it to be true. When men are over the heels for their woman they are very direct about it, it just can be seen by everyone.

Five years into a relationship and still no ring? If he wanted, he would.

He can't see you as often because he's busy with work? If he wanted, he would make it happen no matter what.

He doesn't plan dates, forgets your birthday and is not thoughtful? If he wanted, he would

The point is that men make a lot of excuses to explain why they are not doing X or why they are not ready for commitment, and sometimes they even believe their own excuses, but it's very simple, if they wanted that woman bad enough, they would do their best.

risdeveau · 2022-09-18T21:23:07+00:00

Life is voluntary for the most part, so why wouldn’t it be true? What’s preventing it ?

EnteFetz · 2022-09-18T23:15:18+00:00

That phrase honestly makes me angry, because this rule only applies if a woman is dealing with an attractive highly confident man who has options.

A lot of men don't have options and are therefore terrified of rejection and don't even try. In case of such men the phrase "if he wanted to he would" simply does not apply.

I had a massive crush on a girl in 5th grade but never spoke a word to her because I was so terrified of her.

I had a similar crush on another girl from 7th to 10th grade and I managed to have some conversations with her, but never got the courage to ask her out.

This went on and on for many more years until I started using dating apps. Only due to online dating apps have I been able to actually ask out girls.

I wanted to but I simply could not.

Also most guys who don't have options might not be aware that they could have a chance with some girl they haven't really noticed so far. If she just keeps waiting for him, he will never approach her. But if she would let me know that she is interested in me, I would totally be down. But if she never shows any interest I will assume that she is just like the 99% of women who have zero interest in me and won't even consider asking her out.

InfoVariety-8842 · 2022-09-18T21:24:28+00:00

I tend to rely on this and I think women should too. Dating is full of ego-saving platitudes. Every woman that has slow faded or ghosted me has assured me everything is fine the whole way, “this is just how I am sometimes,” until one day they just stop responding.

Also, I think long term, women especially tend to resent having a default leadership role in the relationship activities. So they’ll tell themselves “he’s an otherwise great guy except for this one thing” and push forward anyway, but over time it will gnaw away at them that they have to initiate everything and set everything up. Maybe men feel this way too but I feel like women get especially resentful about it.

bunnakay · 2022-09-18T21:00:41+00:00

Depends on what he's choosing instead. Some things are valid, and some aren't. But speaking generally, you should never expect someone to give up more in a relationship than you are yourself.

odd_cloud · 2022-09-18T23:11:25+00:00

I think it’s true if people are already in some kind of relationships. If a guy likes to be around a woman, but does not really like to spend time with her, he is not that into her.

If this phrase relates to a guy not making the first move, it’s not that accurate. I think, only popular guys feel confident about the first move, because they would most likely receive a “yes”. For most guys “winrate” is rather low, so they would rather do nothing if it’s not obvious the woman likes them.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2022-09-19T00:29:53+00:00

I think it’s true. It’s really cringe to here a girl talk about how she wants to get married to her long term live-in boyfriend but he has a thousand excuses.

“He says he can’t afford a big ring but I’ve told him I don’t need one.”

“He says we can’t afford a huge wedding but I don’t need any of that.”

“He says we should get established first but we’re already living together.”

My husband was broke and proposed to me with a ring he bought on Amazon. We were long distance for a year after eloping. We took a big extravagant honeymoon a year later from our second wedding. Honey, if he wanted to he would. He probably doesn’t mean to string her along, but he is.

Sad_Entertainer6312 · 2022-09-18T21:07:01+00:00

100% agree. When a man dates a woman he's really interested in, he makes it known

SmilesLikeMardiGras · 2022-09-18T21:23:58+00:00

100% true, and where it ISNT true then theres something wrong with him

its a good corollary to "hes just not that into you"

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-09-18T21:56:32+00:00

It's true, except for making the first move.

Being shy, uncertain etc can affect the first move

Any other time though, its true for both genders.

Not setting a date for the next meeting?

if he wanted to, he would

Not giving you a straight answer about whether you're just a hookup or a gf prospect?

if he wanted to, he would

No ring even after you've made clear you want marriage?

if he wanted to, he would

Not pulling his weight regarding house stuff?

if he wanted to, he would

Not communicating. Or worse communicating but not acting on it? Keep saying they'll do better and don't?

if he wanted to, he would

januaryphilosopher · 2022-09-18T21:46:06+00:00

I think it's good advice to say that if you're waiting for a move or a change and aren't willing or able to do anything about it yourself, then it's time to move on. But it doesn't mean that the other person necessarily doesn't want to or that you can't make that move in many circumstances.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-09-18T22:07:39+00:00

Eh some people are shy and insecure. I prefer: if you want to say it. The worst someone can say is no.

drew8311 · 2022-09-18T22:15:36+00:00

Is there any fundamental difference between men and women here? In general it seems like a case of the guy having other options, which women ALWAYS do, so they can do this stuff too right?

HuckleberryThis2012 · 2022-09-18T22:30:15+00:00

This is both a true statement, and also not true for every single guy in existence. Tho I will say when you’re in the Relationship you’ll find time to see her if you want to. I’ve never dated a woman I was super into and been too busy to see her. Hell I’ve gone right to their place just to basically go to bed bc that’s all there was time for.

infinitofluxo · 2022-09-19T00:59:23+00:00

This is not always true because some women are terrible at communicating or too passive. If the guy doesn't think you are into him he might give up. It is humiliating to keep chasing someone that does nothing.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-09-19T04:01:10+00:00

Common sense tbh. Also applies to women, it’s universal, not gender-specific - if they wanted to, they would. It’s just that women usually have more of a tendency and ability to invent elaborate reasons why a man is behaving a certain way, when the clear reason is he doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. And yes, even shy men will initiate if interested, but it just might be more subtle. Not “in your face” doesn’t always equate to lack of interest, but there will still be signs from shy people.

neetykeeno · 2022-09-19T06:55:03+00:00

Pretty much true to a large extent. It is a rare man indeed who is giving significant effort to doing the things he says he wants. He wants an attractive girl who goes to the gym but doesn't go to the gym himself so he is on the same wavelength as her. He wants a girlfriend but won't go hang out where the girls do. He wants to date effectively and efficiently but does nothing to investigate the different date venues.

Rhubarb_Fair · 2022-09-19T10:21:24+00:00

Generally true, yes. And if he wants to but isn't, then there ia something else going on. Shyness, lazyness, fear of rejection etc. And then its up to a woman to ask if she wants a man like that.

lady_ven0m · 2022-09-19T14:30:28+00:00

Yup, 100%.

EnteFetz · 2022-09-18T21:34:21+00:00

Yes, of course. But it's much better for the woman to be chasing the man than the other way around.

jcdbionicman273 · 2022-09-18T23:12:12+00:00

Society places too much agency on men and too little agency of women. The phrase "if he wanted to, he would" is a symptom of that

DiligentProgresses · 2022-09-18T20:56:18+00:00

Burn the Chad only coal, pay the Chad only toll 🤷‍♂️

Cactus2711 · 2022-09-18T21:53:51+00:00

It's a bullshit female-dating-strategy type rhetorical. Modern dating is too complex to break down into such a black and white belief. Most men are putting their mental health, business and family first. As a woman, you're not the centre of any man's world. It takes an incredible level of entitlement to not understand this. Both parties should be putting in a certain level of effort, that's all you should expect from dating in today's world.

Tight_Fold_2606 · 2022-09-18T21:56:47+00:00

I think that statement is true and applies to literally everyone.

2022-09-18T22:06:13+00:00

It's the simple truth.

Caring_Cactus · 2022-09-18T22:06:55+00:00

I think it's bad advice due to how generalized it is, the focus is on another person instead of the individual, but I think it matters in the context it is said to someone.

If the person who is infatuated has done nothing to progress the connection, let alone establish it, this is terrible advice.

If the person has initiated and proactively taken steps to move the connection forward, but is not reciprocated, this is good advice to move on.

At the very least both individuals can sit down and have an open discussion, be honest and try to understand the reason without all these mind games. Life is not so straightforward or outcome driven, to assume base on that alone causes a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding. People focus too much on outcomes instead of the process, especially when it comes to relationships.

ruboyuri · 2022-09-18T23:23:34+00:00

If you wanna be a passive, desperate doormat with no agency, that’s on you. And yes, you will be confused

RealNiceLady · 2022-09-18T22:29:44+00:00

I agree usually.

gastongang · 2022-09-19T05:30:06+00:00

cringe,

you got a problem in your relationship, speak, use words, communicate, bro is not going to read your mind and anticipate your needs that's idiotic and you shouldn't expect that. You know who does expect that, spoiled brats, and you are an adult. A mature responsible adult who can communicate clearly and efficiently with language

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2022-09-19T07:03:35+00:00

I think it's a lot of bull shit and pawning all responsibility off onto the guy.

"If she really wanted to she would"

AutoModerator · 2022-09-18T20:54:24+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

herbb100 · 2022-09-18T22:09:25+00:00

I think it can be good advise but it holds you back it’s probably better to lay your cards on the table and make the move. If they decline you can move on but at least you tried and now the mixed signals are clear it’s literally a win & win.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2022-09-18T22:14:07+00:00

I believe it to be true for the most part, not just for guys and not only in romantic settings.

darkvalleys · 2022-09-18T22:50:56+00:00

That it’s true? It’s basically actions > words

JumboJetz · 2022-09-19T01:39:35+00:00

It’s probably great advice for a hot woman since she really doesn’t need to attempt to mindread to get a perfectly adequate pool of men to date her. It’s terrible advice for an ugly women as to find a relationship, an ugly woman may need to search in pools of men who hot women ignore (very shy, awkward men who are scared to make a move are one such pool of men they can tap in to).

2022-09-19T02:09:33+00:00

It's contextual. Some people have emergencies that pop up, but it's a habit or way of being that don't sit right with you it's time to call it a day.

Bandit174 · 2022-09-19T03:15:50+00:00

Couldn't we say the same about women, like if she really wanted you she'd fuck you on the first date and do anal like she did with her exes

Gundam_net · 2022-09-19T04:13:25+00:00

It's bullshit Not true. Men avoid women they like rather than spend time with them.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-09-19T05:17:33+00:00

If women wanted to fix female sexual hypoagency, they would.

Ludens0 · 2022-09-19T06:57:06+00:00

If you are not in the head of the persln, you never know.

Kizka · 2022-09-19T10:50:27+00:00

Depends on the guy? I've experienced it all, guys who were interested and went after me actively, guys who were interested but too shy to do anything and I only found out way later, guys who I was interested in but they weren't and that's why didn't do anything. I don't think you can generalize it. I would say that it's definitely more expected from men that they be the pursuer but that doesn't mean that he's not interested if he doesn't pursue. Sometimes he's too shy, sometimes he's not interested. That never deterred me from finding out if I myself was interested in the guy. I met my current partner when he was still in a relationship with his ex. He was friendly but there was no flirting or showing of interest. As soon as he was single again, he actively pursued me. At that point, he had to as I wasn't aware of his singleness. So it that case it was true, he wanted, so he did. But if he were too shy and I would have learned about his availability the next time we saw each other, I'd shoot my shot. The worst thing that can happen is rejection. I would have lived.

Any-Bottle-4910 · 2022-09-19T11:54:21+00:00

He's Just Not That Into You PG-13 2009 ‧ Romance/Comedy ‧ 2h 9m

If I could force my daughters to watch anything upon turning 18, it would be this. But as most fathers know, you ain’t forcing your daughters to watch anything.

IOportA · 2022-09-19T17:12:38+00:00

Its a cope, to save women from a hard look in the mirror.

HobbitShaker88 · 2022-09-19T17:42:15+00:00

I think alot of the times it is correct.

HOWEVER

due to selfishness in today's dating culture being rampant and actually accepted, I think sometimes its not true.

For instance, I often observe relationships where the man refuses to compromise and wants everything his way and he treats the woman bad. People say "oh hes just not that into you" yet he treats literally every woman this way, even ones he admits he loves...in this case, its not true, the guy just sucks.

2022-09-20T11:03:32+00:00

Sure if men were all robots with amazing confidence. However, men are humans, people, not all men have amazing confidence.

Maybe view men as people not machines.

Psybur · 2022-09-21T16:41:09+00:00

It's only okay if the same person would usually also say "if she wanted to, she would." The onus is usually placed on men, but we're equals now.

Title	What are your thoughts on the idea of "if he wanted to, he would"?
Author	Katelyn89
Upvotes	49
Comments	152
Date	September 18, 2022 8:54 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/xhrsl0/what_are_your_thoughts_on_the_idea_of_if_he/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-are-your-thoughts-on-the-idea-of-if-he-wanted.1132553 https://theredarchive.com/post/1132553

Comments