Women who are married or in a LTR; were you "keeping your options open" when dating your now-partner?

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2022-12-22T18:06:14+00:00

After the 3rd date I asked him if he wanted to pause the apps and he agreed.

I think it’s hard to build something if youre constantly looking for what else is out there.

Once you see potential you owe it to yourself and the other person to focus on them

YaKnowEstacado · 2022-12-22T18:06:58+00:00

Theoretically my options are open as long as we're not exclusive. Realistically, when I like someone, other options are the furthest thing from my mind.

bluestjuice · 2022-12-22T19:27:36+00:00

This question isn’t applicable to my relationship style so I can’t answer, but I just want to remind people that dating multiple people casually and then transitioning to an exclusive relationship when the seriousness ramps up is actually one of the more old-fashioned practices currently in effect in the modern dating landscape. This is very much a Greatest Generation and Baby Boomer practice.

CimZim · 2022-12-22T17:56:22+00:00

Women who are married or in a LTR; were you "keeping your options open" when dating your now-partner?

No, when I date I only date one person at a time. I don't consider other options until it has been determined that we're not going to go out anymore.

And for how long did you "keep your options open" after you met them?

We're FWB so technically I guess our options are open but I have negative amounts of desire to look for another man. Unless he tells me he wants to start looking for another partner, we are and have been exclusive.

And what made you think they were the one who you would "close" your other options for?

He's the most caring, empathetic, kind, patient, understanding, nerdy guy I've ever met in my life.

And also, when was that approximately (since the "dating culture" has changed quite significantly in the recent years) ?

Almost 15 years ago.

CruelAngelGradThesis · 2022-12-22T18:24:32+00:00

Entertaining more than one romantic interest at a time sounds exhausting

2022-12-22T19:44:32+00:00

I can't wrap my head around the multi-dating shit, so nah I only work on one guy at a time lol

SmilesLikeMardiGras · 2022-12-23T03:35:55+00:00

It seems like in the dating world today (1st world Western countries, online dating specifically), it's safe to assume, unless you've asked, that the person you go on a date with is also dating or open to date other people.

this has literally always been true since at least the 50s. do you people think exclusivity starts from first contact? until you're "official" or "exclusive" you can assume either party is dating others or could be.

that being said, it has never been true for me, I fall in love very quickly and no one else exists to me, I've never multi dated

sparklyyblueberryy · 2022-12-22T17:53:24+00:00

The US is not ”the western world”. It irritates me how americans constantly assume that their way of life is similar to ours, but american demenour seems more similar to the non west than it does to Scandinavia, Germany, Austria, Swizerland, Britain, the Netherlands and so on.

Where I am you hang around with men and women in your social circle. But when you date, you are exclusive. If someone goes to date multiple people it is safe to assume that that person will never hear from their date ever again! With that in mind, people don’t ”court” until this exclusivity is assumed. You meet normally before.

Dating means relationship, not casual sex fwiw.

I am in NWE (E = Europe)

saraimarsena · 2022-12-22T19:18:18+00:00

I have no interest in pursuing relationships with multiple people at a time.

The day I started my last job I broke up with my ex, but we continued in a messy situationship for 7 months, where he continuously pursued me and tried to get me back. Over time, I caught feelings for a coworker, and when I realized, I went no contact with my ex, and went on a date with my now partner. He told me he loved me about a week later. I was never on dating apps, and once I decided to pull the trigger on my feelings and give my partner a chance, I was completely all about him.

waffleznstuff30 · 2022-12-22T18:42:10+00:00

I was feral and wanted nothing to do with anyone. Like the idea of dating and stuff was not on my mind. And just do what I do when I wanted to do it.

Like I was in therapy and wanted to be left alone. But he genuinely showed me kindness and befriended me talked to me about interesting things and showed me cool things. And like I softened to the idea of dating him. And he has treated me with so much respect and kindness.

wtffellification · 2022-12-22T19:45:10+00:00

in the dating world today (1st world Western countries, online dating specifically), it's safe to assume, unless you've asked, that the person you go on a date with is also dating or open to date other people.

It's always been this way. There has never ever been a time where a woman was expected to cut off potential suitors before a man had committed to her.

I met my husband IRL, but things moved quickly and he made me his girlfriend within a week or 2. I was obsessed with him so had no interest in keeping my options open.

Had I been swiping on tinder or something, I wouldn't stop swiping or take my profile down unless things were made official.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-12-22T20:19:23+00:00

I targeted my partner like a dick seeking missile. No other man would do. They did not exist.

pronouns-king-lord · 2022-12-22T18:07:50+00:00

This is very common with women. Even if she said he is just a friend, the other guy is actively trying to increase his value over you.

If a women tells me she has male friends, i ask her too text that man "friend" asking for a hook up. 90 percent of the time her so called "friend" is willing to hook up.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-12-22T17:55:28+00:00

All my partners i met organically. Wasn't shipping around or using OLD or anything

We met. We liked each other. We got together. The moment we got together thst was that

Never really needed a conversation. We had like 3 dates before we had the is this exclusive now discussion.

_revelationary · 2022-12-22T17:58:19+00:00

Until we were exclusive, which we had a conversation about, I definitely would have considered another option. Mostly because I didn’t trust him yet. But I didn’t really want to date anyone else and we became exclusive rather quickly.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-12-22T18:09:57+00:00

Not that either of us were getting anywhere by having open options at the time, but as soon as I asked him out, we considered them closed. Both of us did look for other options while we knew each other but before I asked (including, interestingly enough, the same woman). Both of us are really only into dating people we're already close to, and we already knew we were serious. This was a couple of years ago.

cindyroseex · 2022-12-22T18:27:24+00:00

Not when I dated my now partner but I used to keep my options opened before I met him. We were a great match from the start so there was no point or appeal in entertaining other people.

Barneysparky · 2022-12-22T18:37:44+00:00

I had a FWB when I met my husband. Ended the friends-with-benefits thing via text (ICQ back in the day before text) before seeing either of them again. I've also had the opposite happen, a FWB tell me he'd met someone after their first date.

We were friends with benefits, so it was completely ok in both situations to say I believe I found my person. In both situations we were happy for each other.

wtffellification · 2022-12-22T18:52:13+00:00

I only go through one options at a time so they have my full attention. But I had lists of hard no/hard yes/could compromise stuff that I was comparing people to.

The goal was to find my ideal compatible partner—and it worked. One I found him, I simply pursued develop that relationship and stopped using apps snd I want to say I deleted them after a week since things seems to be going well. And it's still goes well years later.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-12-22T19:14:33+00:00

No I wasn’t even looking for a boyfriend and ended up with a husband

AstronautLoveShack · 2022-12-22T19:33:17+00:00

I wasn’t keeping my options open but we both agreed we were casual yet exclusive if that makes sense. We were exclusive because we didn’t want to use condoms. But the end goal in the beginning was not an LTR or marriage. The reason for that was he was leaving town at the end of the summer. I did not expect to see him again after that. He came back though and we got more serious after that.

Safinated · 2022-12-22T19:47:27+00:00

maybe hot rich young ones have time to fuck around

most of us have jobs n shit

doggiedoc2004 · 2022-12-22T20:50:15+00:00

Nope. When I met my hubby he was hands down the best guy in all parameters I had ever dated (after a long journey of losing weight and leveling up.)

We were inseparable from day one of meeting. And 17 total years together we are still super happy. Still have lots of great sex and through our partnership we have become wealthy and produced two great kids.

I’m on this sub because it interests me after my own leveling up process in which I was able to date higher and higher quality men.

PS - he never asked me my n count nor did i ask him. We got together when I was almost 30 (that age when women lose their value according to red pill). We met thru yahoo personals and used yahoo messenger back when it was weird to meet people online, pre tinder

Novadina · 2022-12-22T20:53:54+00:00

And for how long did you “keep your options open” after you met them?

Well I met them years before we dated. I think like after a few dates he brought up exclusivity and agreed we both wanted that. But even when he asked me out I told my FWB (I had a friend who we would hook up at times we were both single) that I wasn’t going to sleep with him anymore, I didn’t always do that just for a date but this was with a guy I already knew so things were accelerated a bit. Normally when dating people I met online I’d actually schedule a couple dates during the week, and usually there was only one guy or none that I would want a second date with. Anyway, after we had sex the first time I actually had a realization that I was never going to sleep with my FWB again, even if it didn’t work out with my new guy. Something had just clicked and I knew I was done with FWB, maybe part of me just knew he was the one…

And what made you think they were the one who you would “close” your other options for?

We discussed if we wanted to be exclusive and agreed we did. Also I was really into him, we got along great, he was great in bed, compatible interests and lifestyles, already a great friend so I knew he was a great guy.

And also, when was that approximately (since the “dating culture” has changed quite significantly in the recent years) ?

2006.

malpaiss · 2022-12-23T00:49:58+00:00

As soon as we started talking, no one else compared. After the second date I deleted my profiles, before we had slept together. We are planning our wedding now. I will never love anything else as much as I love this man. When you know, you know.

Snorebore285 · 2022-12-23T14:34:55+00:00

My now husband and I officially became exclusive when he said, “we should change our statuses on Facebook.”

Before that though, I didn’t see or talk to anyone else because all I could think about and the only person I wanted to be around was him.

ArpeggioTheUnbroken · 2022-12-22T18:28:57+00:00

I was casually seeing someone else and also talking to a few people when we first met. Within the first 24 hours, I cut off everyone. No one else mattered once I knew my partner existed.

I don't think that's average though.

Lysa_Bell · 2022-12-23T08:56:16+00:00

By bf and I started talking almost 5 years ago. I had one other option for sex but after about a month of talking to my bf I became very attached and cut off the other person by saying I have someone else that I'm emotionally invested in and that could actually turn into something. When I started talking with my bf he was still in a relationship. But I knew after like 2 weeks this could become something very serious. I was hesitant to push for more.

We were both in weird places in our lifes when we met. But it worked out for us.

mugdul · 2022-12-23T16:31:24+00:00

I'm so glad you're here to remind us all about the importance of keeping our options open and shopping around like we're at the grocery store. I'm sure all the women out there who have found meaningful, long-term relationships are just kicking themselves for not following your sage advice and playing the field as long as possible. Because, you know, it's not like love or connection or any of those pesky emotions have anything to do with finding a long-term partner. No, it's all about making sure you have the most options at all times and never committing to anyone. Good thing you're here to set us straight.

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ashpr0ulx · 2022-12-22T19:08:23+00:00

i didn’t talk to other men after my first date with my now boyfriend. we didn’t talk exclusivity until a month later but i liked him a lot, so

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2022-12-22T19:14:43+00:00

Women who are married or in a LTR; were you "keeping your options open" when dating your now-partner?

No, I wasn't. If I'm dating someone, I'm seeing only them. But before I met my husband I was pretty much just having fun, had a FWB situation and me and another guy were meeting up every now and then for sex (we both made it clear we didn't want anything more than that). Met my husband, called it off with the other two guys after we went on our second date. This was in 2019.

it's safe to assume, unless you've asked, that the person you go on a date with is also dating or open to date other people.

See, this is why I think people should discuss this issue very early on in dating, like date 2 or something. Where I'm from the norm was (it may have changed for the younger generations) that if you're going out with someone, including dates, sex, etc., you're not seeing other people. When I moved I met a lot of Americans and people from the UK, Australia, Canada and for them it was assumed that unless you specifically talk about exclusivity, you're probably seeing other people. It seems like it's best to clear all that up right at the start so there aren't any hurt feelings from either side.

Relative_Bee8356 · 2022-12-22T20:30:55+00:00

I was fresh off a major breakup and planning to avoid serious commitment for a lot longer than I did in the end. He was in a similar boat. We made it official after about two months and the last other person I slept with was probably a few weeks before we became official. His last other person was sometime earlier than that, but not by a huge amount. It's not something either of us have ever cared about.

I don't believe in exclusive situationships, or in relationships where both parties are expected to divine the correct time to begin monogamy without any discussion and then get mad at each other for getting it wrong. That's so fucking dumb. I don't know why some people insist on handling it that way. Maybe their lives are boring and they need more conflict?

Re: all the silly "privilege talk" y'all really need to realize "I'm a mostly dateless loser, therefore you need to give me special treatment if you're one of the people willing to date me" is an amazing argument for only bothering with Chads.

chalkandapples · 2022-12-22T20:49:17+00:00

After like, 5 dates I remember just naturally not being interested in other guys. When you're happy with someone, you just stop looking. I had my dating apps still active at the time, but wasn't really active on it.

After a month of dating or so, he asked to be exclusive so then I officially close all options. I would've asked him to be exclusive anywaus if he didn't do it first, maybe in another week.

punapearebane · 2022-12-22T21:06:13+00:00

There should be a talk about this being a relationship before you can expect that.

lle-ell · 2022-12-22T21:20:59+00:00

We agreed to be exclusive and take down our app profiles after our first date. We had been talking for 2.5 weeks over text and the phone at that point. Easy decision since he was everything I was looking for. This was a little over half a year ago, and we're now living together and about to get engaged in the coming months.

EulenWatcher · 2022-12-22T21:37:08+00:00

My husband are are romantics, plus, from a more traditional culture and we met really young. So it was pretty much expected than neither of us was seeing other people since the moment we'd gone on your first date. So no, I didn't keep my options open and when my friend approached me, I rejected her, although I'd try dating her if I was single.

Ok_Chicken3237 · 2022-12-22T22:05:05+00:00

I think we fell in love somewhere along the second date. Three weeks later we were Offical. You know when you know. There’s no denying it, no keeping “options open”.

rippurplepill · 2022-12-23T01:03:22+00:00

I’ve never been much for the dating multiple men at once in the early stages thing. It’s too much hassle. I’m more the eggs in one basket and if it’s not feeling right I’ll move on pretty quick.

sweetestpineapple · 2022-12-23T05:50:48+00:00

For the first few weeks I was talking to other people. He might’ve been too but I’m not sure. I didn’t care too much because I still wasn’t completely over my ex. We had some conversations about wanting something more serious, not seeing other people etc. then made it official after about a month. I chose him because he made an effort to come see me and treated me well, I was really attracted to him and we had a strong sexual connection from the first date. This was a few years ago.

yohanya · 2022-12-23T06:15:15+00:00

I feel head over heels for him as soon as we got to know each other, so honestly I didn't keep any options around. I completely shifted my focus onto him. I started openly talking about him to any male friends I had at the time to make my intentions clear to them. If a relationship moves slower, I think it makes sense to keep your options open before becoming official, but if you are crazy about someone, it's a great way to set yourself up for success imo

HighestTierMaslow · 2022-12-23T06:26:48+00:00

After date 3 I decided to not keep talking to anyone off of OLD apps. We've been married almost 5 years now.

Ive never been a fan of multidating past the first 3ish dates, this is assuming people are doing mostly OLD. I think insecure people do it as insurance. I also think its icky if there is sex and someone continues to want this from you yet pursues others sexually too... that part would be an immediate dealbreaker for me. I also think when you date multiple people you arent giving someone youre interested in a fair chance because youre diverting your mental and emotional energy somewhere else.

MistyMaisel · 2022-12-23T17:54:15+00:00

Kind of? But that's because he originally turned me away and I was pretty "cool we'll just be friends" about it. And then when we got together I didn't expect it to last so I kept my eyes open.

Available-Ad-9338 · 2022-12-23T22:08:18+00:00

There is no commitment after 1 or 2 dates.

A_lil_confused_bee · 2022-12-24T19:15:24+00:00

The moment I like someone my options are closed. If I go on a date I'm already thinking we're exclusive. Even if we're just texting and getting to know each other in a flirty/romantically way I'm already thinking we're exclusive.

Some people think I'm intense by only focusing on one person at a time, but I just dislike talking to others in general. There's no chance I'm going to want to talk to anybody else romantically if I already have someone who gives me that.

That way of thinking did gave me issues when it came to dating, since I would turn down everyone if I was already talking to someone, only to later get ghosted.

I might get obssesive, after all I usually never find someone who I enjoy being with let alone talk. But the only men that didn't run away from me loved it so I guess it's ok haha.

AppropriateSail4 · 2022-12-27T18:31:43+00:00

Nope I had multiple options but once I settled on my bf of 7 years I stopped considering the other choices. I can acknowledge that they were choices I had and every now and again I meet a person in life who is on the same wavelength but I am still in a relationship. I am honest with my partner about if someone is interested in me and we handle it as a team.

ssnabberz · 2022-12-30T02:42:14+00:00

Only until we were exclusive, which was like, the third date so not very long.

Title	Women who are married or in a LTR; were you "keeping your options open" when dating your now-partner?
Author	wtffellification
Upvotes	23
Comments	131
Date	December 22, 2022 5:35 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/zsru5j/women_who_are_married_or_in_a_ltr_were_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-who-are-married-or-in-a-ltr-were-you-keeping.1145057 https://theredarchive.com/post/1145057

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