Women Choosing Better Men

MikeArrow · 2023-10-31T23:42:30+00:00

More information is required. I generally try to think the best of people and assume they're trying their best.

I'm counting at least seven examples here. What did all of these guys even do?

Mobrowncheeks · 2023-11-01T00:19:03+00:00

Well the big secret is everyone on earth has red flags. Because everyone on earth has behaviors that are negative, there’s no such thing as a perfect partner.

FutureBannedAccount2 · 2023-10-31T23:45:14+00:00

Can you give some examples of the things you're considering red flags?

Also what are your red flags?

meisterkraus · 2023-11-01T00:08:31+00:00

If you have dated a lot of men who are different on the outside but the same on the inside, you have to figure out why you are attracted to who they are on the inside. Could have been modeled by your parents or was the way your first boyfriend acted. Until you do this you will not be able to pick up the correct red flags in the moment.

LogicalLetterhead272 · 2023-11-01T16:39:47+00:00

Probably the biggest red flag you can see in other men is addiction to alcohol/drugs. Almost every POS boyfriend I've known or heard about was an alcoholic to some degree. If he has to drink every weekend to have fun, that's a major red flag.

The second is temperament. If he gets unreasonably pissed off at small things - getting stuck in traffic, losing in a video game, etc., there's a good chance he will be angry with you later on in the relationship.

I don't date men but from hanging out with dudes, and being friends with them and calling them out on their bullshit, these 2 red flags are the most obvious and reliable about whether you should date a guy or not.

Here are some red flags NOT to look for: how he dresses, what his hobbies are, what his favorite movies are, or any other pointless BS like that. The advice you get from TikTok and women's dating circles about red flags is hilariously bad.

Whiskeyjack1982 · 2023-11-01T20:35:18+00:00

Just dont date Chad.

Look for guys on the same level as you rather than above you.

Zabadoodude · 2023-11-01T00:47:53+00:00

No past romantic relationships lasting more than 6 months.

All his exes were supposedly crazy.

Doesn't push for a reciprocal relationship - good relationships have a give and take. Everyone knows all take is bad, but so is all give. It can be a sign of love bombing, or desperation and extreme insecurity.

No close guy friends - if even the bro's can't take his bullshit, things aren't looking good

Bad relationship with parents or too close a relationship for his age - Momma's boys and "haven't-talked-to-mom-in-years boys are both a bad sign

Tries to show off his wealth - guys I know that have both wealth and a good personality always lead with the personality.

MrBrittle · 2023-11-02T00:46:03+00:00

The first thing would be not to have had so many boyfriends, your little list. Any man worth his salt will only want to date someone with such a long dating history if he has no options. If you don't have a problem with ugly guys, these would be it. Your list gives a minimum of 14 men if each of these attributes is given to a different man and you listed 7 (and in the plural). Men who can choose don't accept someone with so many ex-boyfriends.

A woman will do better if she chooses one of the men she would like to date at 40, just look at the one you call "husband material" and choose him, but the right thing to do is BEFORE she has had many men.

abaxeron · 2023-11-01T07:19:38+00:00

Hi, I'm a man who tells women to choose better; I have already told many times that if women collectively want to start doing better in terms of choosing men, not giving violent convicts reproductive advantage above the baseline in the most feminist nation on Earth, especially if it has publicly available criminal database, would be a great start (not to say that such a database would be necessary - usually a person cannot just easily explain several-year gap in their biography).

https://gwern.net/doc/genetics/selection/2014-yao.pdf

Convicted criminal offenders had more children than individuals never convicted of a criminal offense. Criminal offenders also had more reproductive partners, were less often married, more likely to get remarried if ever married, and had more often contracted a sexually transmitted disease than non-offenders. Importantly, the increased reproductive success of criminals was explained by a fertility increase from having children with several different partners.

in a review of the literature Ellis and Walsh found that 50 out of 51 studies investigating associations between mating behavior and criminality reported a positive relationship between criminal behavior and number of sex partners (Ellis & Walsh, 1997).... Further, a British cohort study found that the 10% most antisocial men father 27% of the children (Jaffee, Moffitt, Caspi, & Taylor, 2003).

I have been told many times that these women are of low socioeconomic status, and thus, this argument does not apply to general population or to "normal people" in general. Always without much of a proof. Always just conjecture without evidence. Always without any comparative statistics. Always ignoring that the study has been conducted in Sweden, which is known to have less than 1% of population living below international poverty line, most of those people being single pensioners beyond their reproductive window.

Another very simple red flag to follow is avoiding men fond of alcohol and drugs.

"Relationship Between Alcohol Consumption and Risky Sexual Behaviors Among Adolescents and Young Adults: A Meta-Analysis":

"The meta-analysis of 50 studies involving 465,595 adolescents and young adults indicated that alcohol consumption was significantly associated with early sexual initiation (OR = 1.958, 95% confidence interval (CI) = 1.635–2.346), inconsistent condom use (OR = 1.228, 95% CI = 1.114–1.354), and having multiple sexual partners (OR = 1.722, 95% CI = 1.525–1.945)."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10154531/

Not a universal solution, but with these two simple rules alone, you will probably already be above the average woman's baseline for common sense when it comes to partner choice.

kvakerok · 2023-11-01T19:13:22+00:00

It's so exhausting, I'd rather just stay single.

Why are you here again?

Men who tell women to 'choose better', can some men here please elaborate on what red flags to look for in a man, especially if he's hiding it, so women can choose better?

If your N is over 7 by 25yo and over 13 by 30yo, don't bother, you're supposed to choose better before the hoe phase, not after. High quality men have better things to do.

Otherwise, keep working on your homemaking and other supportive skills and socializing through wholesome hobbies. Hoes will call you a pickme, ignore them and most importantly ditch them if they're in your friend circle. High quality men will find you and will wife you 👌🏽

As for green/red flags, that's easy: look at his socials. "Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are" has never been more valid than these days.

KaptainBrix · 2023-11-01T12:51:06+00:00

Don't focus too much on red flags, red flags mean nothing if you look for it everywhere you will find them, and oftentimes you'll end up with false alarms.

Instead of red flags, just have deal breakers, and learn to enforce your boundaries and don't settle for anything less.

As far as meeting compatible men, I'll give you the same advice that I give men. It's a numbers game, you're going to have to kiss a few frogs. It took me years of dating until I met my current GF.

And most importantly, don't rush it, just have fun and enjoy the process, meeting new people is supposed to be fun.

Workaholiconew · 2023-11-01T20:59:45+00:00

How to choose better men:

never believe their words, what what they do - liars can keep lying a lot but cannot seriously keep the charade going eternally.
be mindful - no matter how good someone is at socializing eventually their acting will fail and it will expose them, particularly under the effects of things such as alcohol or drugs.
be a more traditional woman - I know it sounds counterproductive but bad men avoid traditional women like the plague as they find them either boring or annoying for expecting of them to be good people.
avoid making decisions based on gut instinct/emotion/impulse/tingles - all of those are instincts of the human beings and can/will be abused by an abuser... a good relationship is one where your brain makes the decision not your relativaly dumb animal self.
be mindful of others around them - how is his family, friends group and coworkers? How they view them? Do they seem like they dont think this is a good relationship? Many times bad people have a reputation and you should consider it.

obviousredflag · 2023-11-01T14:04:36+00:00

For me, not trusting men is a red flag in you. Not knowing what you need for a good relationship is a red flag as well for me. Gathering red flag lists from the internet is a red flag. Giving up on dating is a red flag for me.

Red flags are individual, as your capacity to deal with them or potential to be negatively affected by them is subjective. If you collect red flag lists from the internet, you will not find a single person on earth that doesn't have a "red flag". You need to build your own list of red flags, based on things that lead to negative relationship outcomes and dissatisfaction for you.

Start by analyzing your past relationships with men and identify the factors you don't want to have in your next partner.

tonyghow · 2023-11-01T03:05:45+00:00

I am a single woman and quite frankly terrified of dating. I haven't dated in over a year because quite frankly I don't really trust men anymore.

What exactly is it that you’re afraid of? What caused you not to trust men? That may help answer your own question.

I've dated shy men, outgoing men, sensitive men, nerdy men, jockey men, rich men, poor men, etc .

So you’ve tried nearly every flavor of man and you still can’t find an adequate compatible guy? Is this just another, “all men are trash” post?

Men aren't a monolith - there are so many types of men that I can't keep up with all the red flags and warning signs. It's so exhausting, I'd rather just stay single.

It’s interesting that you say men are not a monolith but then lump them all into the same “exhausting untrustworthy bucket of red flags.” Sounds like you are saying they’re a monolith when it comes to relationship material.

Men who tell women to 'choose better', can some men here please elaborate on what red flags to look for in a man, especially if he's hiding it, so women can choose better?

You choose better by revising your standards. You choose a man by his actions and behavior towards you specifically, not his looks, money, credentials, or accomplishments.

AnthemJavelin · 2023-11-01T02:04:35+00:00

1) Do they have boundaries, and are they appropriate ones? As in, they acknowledge boundaries as being for themselves alone, and not for their friends or partners?

In therapy, boundaries are personal fences and walls we set up for ourselves, and they are never set up to wall or fence in others.

Men who can express their insecurities with how you dress, or if you have male friends, can be valid (even if they’re not healthy), but they should never be described as “boundaries,” and, as such, be beyond your questioning or concern.

2) If you’re a feminist (and you don’t have to be) get the hard questions out of the way quickly.

“What would you do if I got pregnant and I wasn’t ready to have a child?”

“What if I want to focus on my career and not have kids for a while, if ever?”

This could go beyond feminism, to just whatever your personal values are, but if you’re not casually hooking up, and wanting a relationship, these are hard, but necessary conversations.

Can they lie to get you “trapped” and then try to change your mind? Absolutely. But then you’ll know they lied, and you can know whatever comes out of their mouth next cannot be trusted either

If you want to be a trad wife, good on you. But make sure if you want to have your own money, successes, and relationships outside of dating him, that he is fully on board.

3) This is going to sound crass, but notice his self-care and hygiene. Does he constantly smell? What does his kitchen look like when he didn’t know you were coming over? Does he know how to cook? Is his garbage can overflowing? His hamper? Does he own a hamper?

Make sure he’s not just making an effort on dates, but in his own life, outside of you as well.

If he respects his own body and own living space outside of you, there’s a better chance he’ll respect a shared space and division of labor with you.

gntlbastard · 2023-11-01T02:13:23+00:00

Well then do the men a favor and stop dating. Please, just stay on the sidelines. The last thing we need is another woman who wants to be saved.

EastSideSlasha · 2023-11-01T00:53:24+00:00

Here’s some ways to vet men in my opinion:

Make him wait for sex. You should make a man wait for sex at minimum for 6 months and he should not be engaging in sex with any other woman whether you two are together or not, this will show if he is serious about you and if he is a disciplined individual.
Check his relationship with other women in life. How does he speak about his mom or sisters? Does he take care of them? If he is too close and depends too much on his mom expect some mommy issues that you’ll have to deal with which is also a red flag.
Does he continue to make self improvements while in a relationship? If you’re dating a guy and he starts letting himself go physically or financially after he gets with you that’s a huge red flag, he should be constantly improving not only for himself but also for you, this shows that he values your relationship and wants to at least keep things equal or better from when you first started dating. If he starts to let himself go do give him some time and see why that is happening and if he had a plan to overcome that problem.
Shows no signs of jealously. Throw all the feminism toxic bullshit out of the window, a guy is going to display some “jealous” traits, we are more often than not naturally territorial, and we know what men are capable. If he is fine with you just going out wearing crazy shit or partying every weekend and having a bunch of male friends, you’re at best just a short term relationship for him.

_here_ok · 2023-11-01T03:21:38+00:00

I don't think anyone should choose "better" but the partner they want. Those who say better usually put themselves on a pedestal or have very specific wants that they can't imagine being without.

There are no inherent red flags on a man unless they contradict what you want. If you want loyalty and a man isn't loyal then yes, red flag. I think you should ask yourself why you didn't want these men and see how you can get closer to your desired outcome.

_Ad_Astra_Abyssosque · 2023-11-01T04:02:04+00:00

I can't list every red flag but just look for signs of abuse or toxicity. Poor emotional regulation, lack of self esteem, and whatever else. Once you are good at spotting the signs, it becomes easy.

AMDisappointment · 2023-11-01T12:57:24+00:00

Get your dad/brother to vet the man

Gold_Supermarket1956 · 2023-11-01T00:59:21+00:00

Hmm redflags let's see, if his social media has more women than men as friends it's a red flag, if he speaks poorly of his ex's red flag, if you're walking in public and he's glancing at women who walk past red flag, if he's very protective of his phone red flag, if your with him and he's on his phone more than paying attention to you red flag

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Lina-Inverse · 2023-11-01T17:29:14+00:00

Everyone has red flags, no one is perfect.

What's more important are those red flags incompatible with you and most importantly if the other person is willing to work on themselves to rectify those red flags for the sake of the relationship.

The "choose better men" generally comes up when women repeatedly complain that all men are cheating assholes who just use women for sex and you look at their dating history and it is basically Chad #1 to Chad #20. Most women I'd presume don't have this problem.

If you're searching for someone with no red flags you're basically gonna be single forever though.

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Title	Women Choosing Better Men
Author	miramira176
Upvotes	23
Comments	240
Date	October 31, 2023 5:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/17kqw2d/women_choosing_better_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/women-choosing-better-men.1237004 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237004

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