How can the average woman afford to be so picky with who she dates?

wtknight · 2024-04-06T23:10:13+00:00

Removed. No non-neutral Discussion posts.

TRTGymBro1 · 2024-04-06T20:37:13+00:00

Perhaps the incel and RedPill view of the world is largely distorted and exaggerated to paint women as all powerful sex goddesses who can have any man they want whenever they want? But what can you expect from a bunch of guys who've never smelled pussy in their lives and were stuffed in lockers in high school?

ComfortableJeans · 2024-04-06T18:13:14+00:00

It's not that complicated.

Women tend to have lots of non-sexual, close, loving, emotionally fulfilling relationships.

Men tend not to, as things are. The only way most men get those deep, fulfilling, emotional relationships is with a partner.

It's worth saying, both men and women are responsible for the world being this way. Both sides created, participated and perpetuated this system of doing things. Both have also benefited and suffered, to varying degrees as a result. Neither of us are innocent.

So, men end up alone even when they're with people. Women don't. That means women can afford to be as picky as they want, as they do fine alone. Because they aren't *really* alone. Where as men, being actually alone, do not to fine.

inb4 ACTUALLY *I* AM A MAN, AND I HUG AND KISS AND CRY WITH MY BOYS ALL THE TIME ACTUALLY!

I'm talking about the general population of men. The vast majority aren't doing that.

And you can't really be angry at the women. What are they supposed to do? When was the last time you made a potentially lifelong decision to make things *not great* for yourself to save someone else?

If there was an overwight, not a great looking woman with a personality you didn't enjoy, would you date her because she was really sad? Of course not. And even a girl who's *on your level.* If you could get with the more attractive, kinder, sweeter girl who had more going for her, you would... This is assuming you don't already have a strong emotional bond with either of them.

And of course, these days they have a very, very wide selection of men to choose from. So when they DO want to pick, it's not likely to be you.

You end up with a bunch of lonely men in pain. But you know. The world wasn't fair and kind from the beginning of time, right the way up until yesterday. Why would it be any different today and tomorrow? Just the way it is.

I wish I had better news for you. But that's just the way it is. A lot of men are going to be in a lot of emotional pain. Most likely in the long term, if not indefinitely. Either change yourself somehow, change society, change gender or get used to it.

I'm not trying to make it sound trivial because it isn't. But it is what it is. Most people struggling with this will likely never be able to change it. They're probably just fucked.

But reality is, one way or another, you either eat it, or you choke to death on it. And people don't really give a fuck if you're not able to eat it.

EulenWatcher · 2024-04-06T18:07:40+00:00

Women are more comfortable with staying single. The pressure to settle and have kids is still there, sure, but it's got much lighter in the recent years. Not everyone wants to have kids and not everyone wants to get married. Even people who do want these things generally agree with the idea that you have choose and vet carefully, doing it with just anyone is a terrible idea.

Some women go for guys with a bunch of red flags for the same reason some men do the same. Either they're stupid, they have a bunch of red flags themselves, they're traumatized due to some childhood experience or past relationships or something else, these people usually have a pattern.

HumpsyDumpsy · 2024-04-06T18:52:14+00:00

If one man is pursing, or jumping through hoops to talk to a woman, other men are most likely attempting to pursue her too.

It's in a woman's best interest to pick the lad who best fits her ideal mate.

Orangematcha · 2024-04-06T20:06:22+00:00

I don’t get why the idea of choice is bad. Not everyone is trying to just tie it to someone they don’t like or know. Why not use some time to vet during the dating phase.

If you’re struggling to date, why not go for the unwanted women. Ugly women. Fat women. Oh you don’t like being told to settle?

jazzmaster1992 · 2024-04-06T18:43:56+00:00

I feel like women are more concerned with the overall picture of who they date. They see the whole forest and not just the trees. Men have this idea that they have to lower their standards and settle for anyone because "it all feels the same".

But nobody besides other men are telling men they have to fuck everything with a pulse. The "Manosphere" is especially egregious when it comes to perpetuating warped and bastardized gender roles and expectations. They are the ones telling each other they have to reach their absolute peak of physical, social and financial "game" before they'll ever have a chance with women. And then they do all this stuff and they get mad because women still don't all worship the ground they walk on. But it turns out that you might have all the "right" things on the surface and just not be somebody's cup of tea.

Truthfully, I think men know what this is like too. I think too many of us tell ourselves we have to settle, or put up with emotional unavailability or abuse because she's hot. Nobody is telling us to do that except ourselves and our little online communities. You might miss out on a sexual opportunity by not going through with it, and that right there is probably the number one reason many men aren't as selective as they could be.

Average women typically date average men. That's precisely what average means. People confuse selectiveness and discernment for compatibility with "high standards". And men in particular feel frustrated because they are being told (usually, by other men) that her rejecting you means something is fundamentally wrong with you. Sometimes, it isn't that deep. Sometimes, she's just not into you, and that's fine. Somebody else might be, but not if you run off with resentment towards yourself or other people over your perceived vs actual "value".

ExternalBarracuda292 · 2024-04-06T20:18:37+00:00

I can only give my own perspective on this, though I think it's somewhat generalizable.

I kind of went through something like this in my youth. I had a circle of friends in my youth with a couple girls in it. We all got along pretty well, though we pretty much always hung out as a group. A couple times, I tried asking one of the girls if they wanted to go see a movie or hang out with just the two of us, but they always said no. It was really nothing super serious, just a kind of "hey, we get along pretty well, do you want to see if there could ever be anything more there" kind of thing, but there was never any interest. This felt bad and it was hard not to take it personally, but I later realized that they weren't saying yes to anyone, they basically just weren't looking at all at that time and had no interest in dating anyone.

I think to a guy, this feels personal because we recognize that this is clearly a suboptimal dating strategy. Good dating opportunities are fairly rare and become rarer as you age, so if you're single and there's someone where you have reasonable compatibility it makes sense to see if it has potential even if you're not actively looking right now. However, women clearly see things somewhat differently, possibly due to them facing increased risk if they enter into a bad relationship, and many women will basically turn down any request from even highly desirable guys if they're not ready for a relationship yet. This is why I always give guys who feel discouraged the advice to simply be patient, these women completely change their tune when they're around 25 or so and are now actively looking for a partner.

Of course, this strategy can work out very poorly for some women. Most of those girls ended up with fairly average guys (generally people we already knew), and in some cases it's clear that they could have had better options. I also know a decent number of women who are 35+ and never had a serious relationship at all, and are probably wishing they took the guys who were interested when they were in their late teens and early 20s more seriously. On the other hand, I met someone way better and we're still together almost 20 years later. So generally, I don't really agree with the general wisdom that women have endless options. Those who are super picky tend to end up with average results at best, as you'd expect. Most of the women I know who are the happiest are those who paired up with a good friend early on, or jumped on a good opportunity when it presented itself.

Konoha_Shinobee · 2024-04-06T18:15:54+00:00

How do you think the dynamic works?

The men just seeking sex and those seeking long term relationships don't appear any different to women, both are just another dude trying to get their attention.

"Why wouldn't they be picky?" might be a better question.

Proof_mongol9135 · 2024-04-06T17:58:53+00:00

bro what world do u live in lmao

Cookiedoughspoon · 2024-04-06T18:05:57+00:00

I know quite a few single women that would like to be married/in a committed relationship but they are choosing to be single after unsuccessful relationships. I think that's just it, you get what you can get and if you don't like what's available you can stay single until you make yourself more desirable or just stay single for the long term.

I think the issue is more so that women are content being single, not that every woman can date Jason Momoa.

Safinated · 2024-04-06T18:10:00+00:00

Many men are after casual sex, and aren’t restrained about it, thus cockblocking the more restrained

And women are fine going without. Especially since we get the short end of the stick in sex, cohabitation and child rearing

Financial_Leave4411 · 2024-04-06T18:26:42+00:00

It’s because women are more open and accepting to the idea of staying single for life.

Intellect7000 · 2024-04-06T19:36:25+00:00

Blame evolution.

GojosLowerHalf3 · 2024-04-06T18:34:22+00:00

What women consider options and what men consider options are usually totally different things. And for the most part women are just fine staying single.

I'm never going to understand the men on this subs obsession with trying to convince women to date men they don't like. I thought you didn't like getting "settled for".

Kentaro009 · 2024-04-06T18:03:24+00:00

They can't/thread

Women have the illusion of a ton of options, but most of these women that aren't date worthy and extremely picky will be living single and alone their whole lives with a smattering of short term situationships mixed in.

Even now, it's crazy how many women in their 30's I will go on dates with and find out they have never even had a single boyfriend despite 10+ years of actively dating.

It is very sad and not a situation I would wish upon any of my female family members.

Electric_Death_1349 · 2024-04-06T18:48:55+00:00

Any woman can go on a dating app, put in the bare minimum of effort into her profile, and be inundated with likes/matches within the hour. It goes without saying that not every single one will be relationship material, but this will nevertheless inflate her ego to gargantuan proportions, resulting in most women seriously overestimating their SMV. They will therefore reject men on the most spurious grounds, confident that someone better is a mere swipe away.

SpareSpecialist5124 · 2024-04-06T18:14:43+00:00

Some men having multiple partners, means there's a bunch of them without one.

Women also tend to not engage in so much in casual sex, specially so after certain ages, and others have FwB.

For several other reasons, the number of "avaliable" women is therefore much lower than the number of men looking for them, so women get to be choosers.

And why is it that women still often end up picking guys with more red flags than a mayday parade?

Psychology. Bad boys transpire confidence, and display other "virtues" that they find attractive. Many women fall into the fallacy of thinking they'll be able to "fix" him.

MidoriEgg · 2024-04-06T18:16:28+00:00

Historically and currently, making babies is a lot more risky for women, so maybe that’s why women are naturally more picky.

daddysgotanew · 2024-04-06T18:40:09+00:00

Lots of the top tier men are throwing women scraps to keep them hanging on, and it’s working.

Jaded_Interaction162 · 2024-04-06T18:24:22+00:00

Less attractive women are less selective but they still turn down a lot of guys. All women are fairly selective, just being an average guy with average stats and average income isn't enough for him to be picked. Average levels of "nice guy", average levels of "douchebaggery", average levels of ambitious, average social circle. Average dreams and aspirations. When you get right down to it, you can only be a nice guy if you're nicer than average. Average negates most personality traits and is kind of a nothing. What personality?

If by "average women" you mean: thin 18-29 year old living in a big city with a decent job and a bachelor's degree, many of them will accept being single for long periods.

If by "average women" you mean average USA woman: 38 years old, 29 BMI, some or no college, then yeah they might accept a mediocre average guy with no unique traits if she's a single mom.

But you guys also don't like the average female personality either. So average men and average women don't like each other that much anymore. Less reasons to pair up.

You don't find average women that attractive either. "You need to settle for me/lower your standards" won't work. Average guys don't have any bargaining power anymore.

AutoModerator · 2024-04-06T17:53:22+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Dishonouronmycow2 · 2024-04-06T18:42:52+00:00

I chose to stay single for 26 years due to a mixture of autism and mental health issues, as well as the desire to be with one person for the rest of my life. To me if that meant I was single forever it would be better than being with someone that I didn’t desire/love

Nihi1986 · 2024-04-06T18:46:04+00:00

Because offer/demand ratio, basically.

treadmarks · 2024-04-06T19:14:29+00:00

It's because all the pressure is on men to acquire a relationship. They have to make the approach, be smooth, plan good dates, pass all the crazy ick tests etc. Women just have to look pretty and exist and they'll have so many offers they actually get mad about it.

It's just more work for men and more pressure, a lot of guys just aren't feeling up to it.

Upset_Material_3372 · 2024-04-06T19:20:49+00:00

Not only do, even average and below, women have an incredible amount of options or at the very least at the very bottom end the illusion of them.

But in terms of population only after they turn 35-40 are there more women anyone under 30 there is more men.

Combine that with women as a whole only being able to be attracted to guys with the same traits in both personality and looks regardless of her own desirability and you have your answer.

CommanderJMA · 2024-04-06T19:44:02+00:00

Insecurities I would say to sum it up briefly …

SlowEffective8146 · 2024-04-06T19:57:12+00:00

And why is it that women still often end up picking guys with more red flags than a mayday parade?

I think average women who's standards for looks are too high end up finding guys with tons of red flags because they're blatantly overlooking them, in order to still be with the better looking guy

bluestjuice · 2024-04-06T20:08:42+00:00

She can’t. The average woman has some dating options that she may or may not like, much like average men do.

Women marry red-flag guys because once someone becomes emotionally attached to someone else it undermines your decision-making. And because of sunk cost fallacy.

ThatLeval · 2024-04-06T20:55:34+00:00

And why is it that women still often end up picking guys with more red flags than a mayday parade?

Because those Women tend to hold some stupid dating decision choices. I bet if you asked them what are their icks or what are the things that'd cause them to stop dating a guy it'd be 80% stupid stuff. Mostly around the idea of being bad at dating or not stimulating enough. Narcissists just figured out they don't actually have to be good at relationships or good people. They just got to be exciting and stimulating enough and it'd give them a way better chance than the guys who try to be nice

Southern_Fall983 · 2024-04-06T21:44:44+00:00

Because the average woman doesn’t like the average man in the same way. It’s that simple. Whether or not as a man you want to pursue women once you know this is on you and you alone

ArmariumEspata · 2024-04-06T18:19:31+00:00

Delusional. A man will absolutely not sleep with a woman he doesn’t at least find attractive.

DarayRaven · 2024-04-06T18:28:20+00:00

Of course hypergamy is a real phenomenon

There, you answered your question

ThorLives · 2024-04-06T18:59:34+00:00

> There are more women than men - not by a lot but a fair margin at least where I live

While I'm not sure where you live, in the US in general, there are more men than women in every age group below 45 or 50 years-old. This is because there's about 105 boys born for every 100 girls. There are more women in the US than men because women live longer. But women who are 70+ years old who's husbands who died aren't really considered part of the dating market for most men. Here's a chart that shows this: https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fqb1olzcya4z81.png

And here's a map of singles at various ages:

https://jonathansoma.com/singles/images/20-29-relative.png

https://jonathansoma.com/singles/images/30-39-relative.png

https://jonathansoma.com/singles/images/40-49-relative.png

https://jonathansoma.com/singles/images/50-59-relative.png

Single women in the 20-40 age range have the numerical advantage of being rarer than single men. This is also connected to women dating older men. And before anyone comes at me with "the average age gap between married couples is only 2.5 years", that statistic is actually "the average age gap for first marriages is 2.5 years". The age gap for second and third marriages is larger.

> Women also presumably feel greater pressure to settle down and pump out a few crotch goblins while they still can.

Fewer women want children than there used to be. I've gone on dates with women who have told me that they never want to get married or have kids.

Also, when asked if they are looking to date, a larger percentage of single women than single men say they are not looking to date anyone. Among men and women age 18-39 who are single, 39% of women and 33% of men are "not looking to date anyone". The gap is even larger for single people age 40+. 71% of women age 40+ are "not looking to date". Source: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/

Men are also more likely to look for relationships after a divorce. This means that divorced men are out there competing in the dating market against younger guys for a small pool of women. Meanwhile, divorced women have mostly taken themselves out of the dating market.

There's also the issue of kids. A divorced woman with kids is probably less interested in trying to date than a divorced man who only has kids part-time. Again, this causes extra competition for single, never married men trying to date. I know more women than men who have married a divorced person who has kids. Effectively what this means is that certain top-tier men might have multiple wives and children with multiple women in his lifetime, whereas, women are more likely to have a moderate number of children with one man. The flip side of that is that there's more men with no children and struggle in the dating market. Statistics confirm this: there are more childless men than childless women in the world.

All of these factors make dating harder for men.

Fabulous_HonestTea · 2024-04-06T19:24:24+00:00

How can the average woman afford to be so picky with who she dates?

Because they’re biologically hardwired to reject all but the best men she can get.

As women blow past men in education and career, the pool of men considered the “best” becomes smaller and smaller.

SkookumTree · 2024-04-06T18:07:57+00:00

Many guys are OK with 400lb single moms and women who don't work and have drug problems. These are often decently hardworking tradesmen and sometimes white collar dudes although the office workers usually prefer to be "focused on their careers"

oldjar7 · 2024-04-06T19:33:28+00:00

It's because social media significantly inflated women's worth and, by the same token, deflated men's worth. Their should be a punitive tax on social media for the trillions of dollars of economic damage it has caused, including sinking the birth rates below replacement rates.

Title	How can the average woman afford to be so picky with who she dates?
Author	FormerOptimist94
Upvotes	0
Comments	164
Date	April 6, 2024 5:53 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1bxhomu/how_can_the_average_woman_afford_to_be_so_picky/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-can-the-average-woman-afford-to-be-so-picky.1514245 https://theredarchive.com/post/1514245

Comments