Work on yourself is useless advice

growframe · 2026-06-07T13:31:19+00:00

People say go to the gym, but also not to go for the sake of finding a partner so that’s kinda weird.

Go to the gym. Even if it's for the sake of finding a partner. I don't care, just go.

women don’t like talking to you just so you can get social reps in.

Who cares? The opinions of random women you have no relation to should be worthless to you.

reignoferror00 · 2026-06-07T15:14:46+00:00

The thrown out phrase without at least a tiny bit of nuance and explanation is about as useful as the advice of "be yourself" - especially for those that struggle socially, "romantically", and in other related areas.

The small steps to getting somewhere are missing, as well as the hard advice to not be too hard on yourself - it will take time, effort, and often seems one step forward, two steps back. The difficulty and lack of leeway given to awkward well meaning boys and young men is missing; the "late bloomers" being behind the 8 ball is missing. The help with getting and developing some small social connections is missing. It is far too often assumed what come more naturally and easy for you is the same for anyone else.

chamomilecloud · 2026-06-07T13:16:49+00:00

“Work on yourself” usually means “Get to a point in life where you’re happy with yourself, and you maximize your good traits while minimizing the bad.” It can include physical, social, and personality traits, and often does include all three.

Re: the gym, you can go for whatever reason you want to. But like, this has to make common sense too.

Going to the gym to lose weight / build muscle / be healthy ✅

Going to the gym because you want to be more attractive and that makes you feel good ✅

Going to the gym because you want to hit on other people at the gym, despite hating the gym ❌

Practicing talking to women is easiest when you, in fact, have business being there. You don’t even need to overtly flirt. When I was in college and worked as a coffee barista, I loved chatting with regular customers. They’d make me laugh, we’d shoot the shit. It’s just to get you comfortable making small talk.

DietTyrone · 2026-06-07T18:57:01+00:00

People say go to the gym, but also not to go for the sake of finding a partner so that’s kinda weird.

Problem is you're trying to make sense of female and Blue Pilled advice, which isn't really possible as it's almost always contradictory.

They want men to get good at everything, fit, social, be good at flirting while not trying to intentionally get good at these things. They like the end results but don't like peeking into the kitchen to see how the food is made. Just take what they say with a grain of salt, develop the skills to get what you want, nobody needs to know if you're doing it to get women, especially women who obviously don't want to know.

EKOzoro · 2026-06-07T20:57:57+00:00

It's both useless and useful it's like you need to love yourself for getting a relationship. Basically bullshit.

KayRay1994 · 2026-06-07T16:18:36+00:00

Here is the thing about working on yourself: it increases your chances, but it guarantees nothing. Say you’re a fully butt ugly truly horrid 0/10 slob, working on yourself will move your chances from 0% to 0.1% or something like that - and this is for the absolute worst case scenario.

That being said, working on yourself as daring advice gets messy because as dating advice, you’re making a guarantee out of something that isn’t a guarantee. Also, when living for others you’re more likely to burn out and lose satisfaction in your own life. Work on yourself, it is very important to, but find your own drive to

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2026-06-07T13:09:43+00:00

Where are examples of people saying the 2nd parts of this advice?

The benifits of the gym are far greater than just helping you find a partner, but if that's your primary motivation, at least you're going to the gym! Better than not going.

Same for talking to women.

Where are you seeing this advice?

Zabadoodude · 2026-06-07T13:15:39+00:00

Any advice given in a few sentences to someone you don't know personally is going to lack details and structure.

Working on yourself is very good general advice. Exactly what that means depends on what you need to work on and who is giving the advice.

Regarding your specific examples: It's fine to go to the gym to be more atttactive to the opposite sex. That's why most people do it. It's just taboo to openly admit it.

Building up your social skills by meeting new people, including women is also useful. Don't persist if it's clear someoen doesn't want to talk to you, but you shouldn't avoid human interaction because some people might not want to talk to you.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-06-07T14:22:42+00:00

Worked for me, so no

Kanenas_T_Potas · 2026-06-07T15:21:45+00:00

I will try to spell out why all of this advice helps:

So. Your first example:

People say go to the gym, but also not to go for the sake of finding a partner so that’s kinda weird.

What people are saying is, go to the gym and be disciplined about it to become more attractive. Don't expect the gym to be a place to flirt or find a partner and use it, primarily, to get in shape, lose fat/weight, gain muscle and strength.

How does this help you to get laid? Your body becomes more attractive, you gain confidence and you become a cool hobby you can talk about. The gym makes you more confident and confidence helps you to approach more people.

The talk to more women advice:

This one is precisely for you to realize most women are not instantly creeped out by everyone who talks to them. Progressive exposure to something you are anxious about helps you to mitigate the anxiety. You might slowly feel increasingly confident and with that you'll also work up the nerve to talk to the kind of women you like and even flirt with them, even if you get rejected.

The advice is not structured enough to build a plan around

The logic is: getting in shape makes you more attractive, talking to women helps you to have less social anxiety, hobbies/activities help you to filter for demographics were you have better chances to find someone.

RandHomman · 2026-06-07T15:26:30+00:00

Working on yourself can mean many things and it's never a bad idea to entertain.

ifkrn · 2026-06-07T13:17:23+00:00

Reality =

If youre a man.Going to the gym will only significantly benefit you if youre tall and get some muscles. Even a tall guy out of shape with an average face can eventually get a woman.

If youre short or average height , gym is needed to be even considered as a candidate.

Women dont like random talking with an average man unless of youre attractive, boost their social rep or really have something in common.

Working on yourself is accepting the fact that most women will never like you, while focusing on the ones that do. And more than everything you should like yourself because you have to cope with yourself your whole life.

binne21 · 2026-06-07T13:19:21+00:00

I was called a creep in high school. I couldn't really blame them since I was a socially awkward loser. I wasn't malicious persay but I gave off bad vibes. I thought I was genuinely ugly and loveless, which at that point if I had continued onwards I would have been.

I started working out. I did stair sprints until I puked on the concrete, I lifted weights until I almost collapsed on the floor, I wrestled until my teeth started to feel numb. I ate unseasoned chicken and eggs. I went from fat to fit. Nowadays people say I'm in good shape.

I learned fashion and hygiene. Shave, sea salt on my hair etc. I stopped wearing hoodies and sweatpants and instead started wearing, well, normal clothes. Nowadays I rock a punk-ish look: leather jacket and band tees.

I learned social skills. It sucked at first because I have Aspergers but I pushed through it. Talking to new people, women, men etc. I made mistakes because of course I did but over time I improved.

Nowadays I'm in contact with low-level modelling agencies and I get compliments on my looks from strangers at the club. I learned that women are disgusting and evil just like men and thus not on a pedastal, now I have multiple platonic female friends and I can speak to them like people, of course. Funny thing is, I haven't even maxxed out my potential. I have 18% bodyfat and plan to go down to 10% (the gender ambigious twinks do love the high bodyfat percentage), my cheeks aren't hollow etc.

Life just got better because I worked on myself. Naturally it's more structured than "work on yourself" but the same principle applies.

Present-Afternoon-70 · 2026-06-07T14:45:07+00:00

We say this because none of the people who get this advice get so triggered when they get told to go to therapy.

A therapist will help you talk to women and become a person who can actually have a relationship.

The Red Pill is conservative and consider anything that is more emotionally aware than dont rape is cuck behavior. The RP is pathetic pathologically misogynistic you should generally do the opposite of what they say.

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OMWSpudss · 2026-06-07T15:21:06+00:00

"Work on yourself" can be in the form of something dismissive and oversimplified but in the end it is the solution. If practicing talking to women is too intimidating focus on just being good at talking to people in general. In school I watched how the socially successful guys talked to others and how they carried themselves and did my best to mimic it at first before slowly adding my own personality and quirks in. You can get ahead by "working on" many things but social skills is pretty high up there if you're talking about dating.

Improving social skills is actually very difficult as it forces many people far out of their comfort zone; not only that but it must be practiced often. It isn't like working on your looks or fitness or finances where you can do it in the comfort of anonymity and there are tangible trackable points to monitor progress at least with the last two.

waffleznstuff30 · 2026-06-07T16:58:08+00:00

No it's really not.

Now if you going for self improvement will find me love. It's going to feel useless. Or that you have to be some mystical healed version of yourself to be worthy of love. Then you're going to have a bad time. I think working on yourself is a constant life pursuit. Not that you are flawed but the most important relationship you can have is the one with yourself. It means being aware of your patterns, and things that may block the kind of connection you are craving because you are so fixed in your ways.

It's not a get to a certain point it's little improvements and gaining self awareness and understanding yourself. Trying new things. Going out of your comfort zone. And learning who you are in real time and that translates better into dating and relationships.

Automatic_Safety7029 · 2026-06-07T17:37:15+00:00

Well, if you do it right, it's not

Spicy_take · 2026-06-07T18:06:39+00:00

Idk what isn’t structured about it. The gym builds muscle, and over time, self confidence. Women like those. Most people don’t like someone pestering them. Too bad. We live in a society. People are allowed to try to drum up conversation. Getting over their opinions of you is part of point so that you can gain confidence in speaking. After a little while, you won’t be a pest. You’ll just be talking.

TheKindlyPoltergeist · 2026-06-07T22:17:38+00:00

Best advice isn't just work on your self. The best advice is to live a life you actually enjoy living and then share that with others.

Siukslinis_acc · 2026-06-08T02:27:08+00:00

It is a lot better than "wallow in a pit".

Robot_Alchemist · 2026-06-08T07:58:41+00:00

Unless your carburetor is acting up

Axis_Control · 2026-06-08T14:20:46+00:00

It's meant to mean become more attractive

Fine-Double6335 · 2026-06-08T15:57:58+00:00

Yes it’s is not specific nor structured but it’s generally true. Going to the gym has many health benefits, building social skills helps you network and make friends.
It is more to increase your opportunities in everything, not just finding a mate.

YeaNobody · 2026-06-09T01:17:10+00:00

I agree...without structure or any sort of plan....general advice of this nature falls flat. Yes, nobody can know exactly what every single person needs/will gravitate towards, but saying "fix yourself" is about as useful as mentioning water is wet.

Sufficient_Low6728 · 2026-06-09T22:04:48+00:00

It’s definitely not useless it’s only useless if you’re so ugly that you look like a burn victim. Self improvement helped me lose weight and have more options but im in a relationship so I can’t indulge in the hooking up.

JMoon33 · 2026-06-07T13:52:34+00:00

They say go to the gym so you're healthier, fitter and more confident, not because you're supposed to find your future partner there. It happens, but it's rare.

ProposalVivid1120 · 2026-06-07T14:28:52+00:00

I think the be yourself advice should be to be someone you are proud of. That you feel good about looking in the mirror.

Positivity movement is stupid.

Edit: why did I get downvoted

Altruistic_Look_7868 · 2026-06-07T16:39:00+00:00

Ok then don't. Continue being in your current state and complain why women won't give you the time of the day for the rest of your life. Is that better?

cromulent_weasel · 2026-06-08T04:25:11+00:00

"I strongly believe something is missing within the advice of work on yourself to find love."

Work on yourself, so you can be happier in life. 'Being happier' might come within the context of finding a romantic partner, but it might not.

Take a page out of womens playgroup, where lots of older women are single and seemingly thriving. They are finding meaning in their life, pursuing hobbies they enjoy, friendships that enrich their life. Men can do all of that too, and if they do? They will be a better partner for a future woman than the current 'no hobbies, no friendships' version of themselves that they are.

That's what 'work on yourself' means to me.

EugeneCezanne · 2026-06-08T19:23:42+00:00

Go to the gym, read literary fiction, and seek close female friendships. It works. You don't need a systematic breakdown of how it works to get the benefit. And even if it doesn't work and you never get a girlfriend, you will probably wake up one day and realize your life is at least better than before.

Title	Work on yourself is useless advice
Author	Automatic_Safety7029
Upvotes	29
Comments	138
Date	June 7, 2026 12:27 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1tzat9u/work_on_yourself_is_useless_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/work-on-yourself-is-useless-advice.1582265 https://theredarchive.com/post/1582265

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