On paper, if I could make a rational choice about a partner, I would pick someone fit, smart, kind and rich. (Because I am fit, smart, kind and rich, so I would go for someone "like me".) But in practice, I am always swayed into dating a man who is not fit, not smart, not kind and not rich, because something creates an emotion and I make an emotional decision.

A simple example would be an unattractive shy guy with bad conversation skills. If I encountered him on a dating app, he would just be an unattractive stranger and I wouldn't feel like I owe him anything. In real life though it's happened that I saw such a guy and after a while I thought "aww he's always alone and he struggles to talk to people, I have to help". Maybe the guy on the app has the same struggle, but since I can't see it, I don't feel it.

Here are some examples of things that caused me to like a guy:

  • A guy cried genuine tears because he failed classes (I just felt like comforting him and believing in him even though there was no rational reason to believe in him)
  • A guy cried because he thought I could do better than him (that made me want to reassure him that I would not leave him)
  • A guy cried because he felt he had gotten himself addicted to weed (I had never seen a joint, but again his tears moved me)
  • A guy was so nervous about talking to me that he was shaking and couldn't speak
  • A guy shed a tear because I was getting a math problem he wasn't getting and he said that made him feel stupid (I felt guilty)
  • A guy was very meek and ugly and soft-spoken shyness
  • A guy told me he was hit by an ex-girlfriend
  • A guy got upset and cried because condoms didn't feel good
  • A guy got upset that I was too busy to spend time with him and accused me of not liking him enough or of wanting to leave him
  • A guy was depressed and said he would **** himself if I didn't date him because he would be too sad and he could never get over it

So every time there was a guy who was upset, I just wanted to be gentle and soothing and submit to him. It was an emotional decision, not a rational one. I wouldn't have swiped on them on a dating site because their profile would have reflected how empty and disorganized their lives were with no emotional component. But when seeing them around or interacting with them, I was made to feel some sort of emotion about them.

It's harder for men online because you have to rely on someone choosing you rationally and not based on emotion. I know all my examples kind of revolve around guilt or wanting to protect weak males, but I think some other examples of creating an emotion might be stuff like a romantic setting, "chemistry" or even an attractive guy making her feel aroused or negged.

I tried online dating for just a very short period of time, but the guys I went on dates with were fit, smart, rich and kind, and the date was exactly what I would have organized myself. But then there was no emotion. I was sitting next to a guy who was the male version of me, but it was like talking to a stranger at work.

Meanwhile in person I met guys in person who were less attractive and less accomplished, but their grandma died or something so that did the trick. Probably if something tragic or embarrassing happened on one of those dates from the dating website, I would have felt more of a "connection".

I'm not saying the emotional connection is desirable, I think it's more like a trick that the brain plays on us, but it might be interesting to discuss. What are your thoughts?