How do you reconcile the lying?

alternative40m · 2024-06-12T17:50:47+00:00

You realize it's not your job to reconcile her lying. You were devoted to the image you had of her, a fabrication of her lies. There is no reconciling that. She played a role to get what she wanted.

Now, I'm not a redpill fanatic, but seeing the posts on here and various videos, makes you realize that there is a large population of women that really do treat men as nothing more than a wallet

Jiujitsu_Dude · 2024-06-12T04:33:46+00:00

You’re only 6months divorced, one day you will think. Man that crazy Bi*** lied her as* off, good thing I’m not married to her anymore. She can be someone else’s problem. While you’re happy doing all of the things you want to be doing, with someone way damn cooler

lally · 2024-06-12T02:46:22+00:00

Is she's lying to herself too, she's delusional. It happened to you, but it was about her internal failings. You're collateral damage.

You can't fix her, that's her path and the best you can do is get out and get on your own path.

capnjackstation · 2024-06-11T15:05:31+00:00

She was never yours, it was just your turn

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-06-11T01:26:00+00:00

You don't try to wrap your head around it, is the way. Or I guess, understand that you can't understand it with 'logic' as she didn't make this decision from a logical perspective. And she's not telling the truth about 'lying for years' or whatever. Some guy gave her tingles, she wrecked her marriage over that, and then she re-wrote reality in her head to make it so she's a victim and tried to work on her marriage but it just wouldn't work with you, so she just had to fall on new dick.

Until you can understand that, it won't make any sense to you

stupididiot78 · 2024-06-11T01:10:21+00:00

I don't try to reconcile anything. She's gone. She isn't going to get any more or less gone if I understand stuff. Why she did anything doesn't matter. She did it and it really fucking sucks. Stop looking backward and focus on ypur future. I know that's easier said than done and I still have problems with it but I try to not to. Keeping busy helps.

JumpyApricot80 · 2024-06-11T01:02:50+00:00

I understand the pain and grief you feel. It’ll get better with time, I promise.

Focus on your loved ones and family. Don’t isolate yourself. Finds support in forums like this one, it’ll help you know that you are not alone.

Get back into old hobbies you enjoy. Pick up new activities and meet new people. Pamper yourself and have fun. Find your ‘why’ again. Work on yourself by seeking therapy. Go for hikes or runs. Go to the gym if you need to vent your frustrations.

When you find yourself getting somewhere in your personal development, give back and help others back on their feet. You will find your purpose in life, just please, do not give up on yourself.

Good luck bro.

ChillaxBrosef · 2024-06-11T00:13:41+00:00

You can’t. Gotta let go and call it a day. There’s always gonna be that thought in the back of your head that wonders….Liars are and always be Liars. Sucks, but true.

grimxluna4ever · 2024-06-11T00:01:34+00:00

Here with you. In the void. The parallel universe I was forced into. I signed today. It's over. She's happy. Free of me. Worked my ass off for damn year 20 years. So many great times. I mean great. Non of that now. Shit. Grief. Wondering why even try? Have my 16 year old son that split with me. My only reason. Lucky i guess. Most guys to get that chance. So I carry on. My life for him now I suppose.

No-Marsupial1823 · 2024-06-10T22:08:01+00:00

I’m in the same situation. What I’m learning is there’s nothing that can be done about it except to think about it. Which sucks as well. Eventually you’re gonna have to just understand that it happened and there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s where I am and it hurts like hell. So you’re gonna have your moments where you feel bad depressed and sad. Times you’ll cry about it. But bringing it up to her will get nothing done. Ppl don’t like to hear how they did someone wrong. That’s how ppl in the world work. Just gotta make sure we don’t make the same mistakes marrying that type of woman.

GaeasSon · 2024-06-10T21:54:06+00:00

A LOT of people lie... most of them lie to themselves first and most. Lying to everyone else is just a byproduct. They have been taught to play a role, and they judge themselves by how well they pretend to be something they aren't. But that's no way to live. So they hate their lives and resent everything and everyone that they think expects them to pretend to be someone besides themselves.

This was never your problem to fix, my dude. Hell, even she is probably as much a victim as a perpetrator. It took my former bride a quarter century of marriage to figure out she was never into guys. Now she and HER new bride are doing well, and I'm THRILLED to be free.

Dr_Venkman_ · 2024-06-10T21:33:34+00:00

You're NOT the only one! The best I can reconcile with the lying in my own way is thinking about it as the path of least resistance, coupled with rationalizing the lies. She doesn't want to work on herself, that's too hard. She doesn't want to help work on the couple as unit, too hard. The rationalizing and compartmentalizing the lies and stories they tell is their own way of feeling zero shame or guilt for ripping the family apart in the name of THEIR "happiness". And happiness, as we know, just means another d.

atomicspin · 2024-06-10T20:32:07+00:00

The real challenge is when you do finally move on and someone else starts saying this stuff to you and you gaslight yourself like crazy trying to decide if they're lying to you or not.

Like of all this, it just takes patience and time. You'll get it. Just keep swimming.

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-06-10T20:28:20+00:00

I'm struggling as well. Logically, it makes no sense. This woman destroyed me (and continues to do so). She criticized me relentlessly. Nothing I did was ever good enough. She refused to find happiness in her daily life which was quite good. We should have had a happy life together. There was no reason we could not have. She just chose to be perpetually miserable ... and make it difficult for me to not also be miserable. All that to say, I was going to "fight the good fight". I was going to honor the vows I made on my wedding day. She ignored me for 6 straight years, beginning in January 2018. She refused to spend time with me. She didn't tell me "I love you". No physical touch whatsoever ... not even a hand on the back. Heck, she didn't even ask me "How was your day?" for those 6 years.
We have 4 minor children together, so I basically just focused on being the best dad I could to them ... even though I was crushed by rejection and hurt. Then, in November 2023, she files for divorce. Now I'm kicked out of my home, paying child support, and only see my kids every other weekend, and a few evenings every week. I did nothing to this woman but try to be there for her. I want so badly to make sense of it. It seems like it would be so much easier for me to do so if I had cheated on her, been an unemployed bum, struggled with addiction, was a mean, abusive person ... but I was none of those things. I know there is no way to make sense of it, but that doesn't make it any easier. Logically, I should be happy that she "set me free". Somehow, it's the final "F you" she's giving me. I'm not good enough (I know that isn't true, but that's what it feels like).

ExpectDog · 2024-06-10T20:27:20+00:00

Some people are just garbage my man. That’s just how they are and how they’ll always be.

SnooSprouts5398 · 2024-06-10T20:06:32+00:00

That’s not the person you fell in love with that’s how you reconcile it. The new person she’s become is unrecognizable to you and that’s okay. Take her off the pedestal and give yourself some grace it takes time it’s not a rush but also forgive her for yourself so you can move on.

RelationshipAny7219 · 2024-06-10T19:31:24+00:00

Man I completely understand the thought process you just described, and I can tell you, it does get better. I think the answer to your question is, time. I spent the better part of year trying to process and finally just had to add to my knowledge bank that people like that really do exist, more than I realized. They have found that dishonesty and constant lying is profitable, and somehow, they seem to not be affected in anyway by guilt. I nearly lost 2 good friends because of my inability to talk about anything but my divorce, thank god they are true friends and stuck thru the worst of it with me. I lost communication from an adult kid for a long time as a result of lying and manipulation, with the only purpose being to cause me further pain and suffering in the hopes I break/fail. I think understanding this was a big part of my self improvement journey, once I understand everything she did was to ensure I fail so I fit the fantasy story she told everyone, I became hyper motivated to succeed. I know there are many that would argue that's the wrong motivator, the motivation should be for you, but it certainly helped me justify my changes and my come up. The unbearable stress broke me as a person worse than anything I've ever had to deal with, ultimately causing me to loose a respectable six figure career I spend two and half decades building. However, I can say, when the dust settles, you have to just acknowledge what was done was super messed up, and move forward. I highly, highly recommend cutting off all contact, especially if you are dealing with someone with NPD. The day you cut off contact, replace the negative energy with something (anything) positive, is the day you will find true happiness my friend. I wish you the best, and hang in there.

Throwawaysi1234 · 2024-06-10T19:22:07+00:00

Not the only one. Ex wife kept up a secret relationship with another man for almost a year.

What is reconciliation and understanding anyways?

Thinking that she had some half decent reason for how she acted? Coming up with some theory that justifies how this woman that you trusted with your life could do something to you that you'd never do to your worst enemy?

I dont believe in in reconciling that and I dont believe that kind of thing can be understood in terms that are acceptable to sane and ethical people.

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2024-06-10T19:14:28+00:00

Man... Listen, you just kinda gotta decide to forgive and move on with your life. What's the alternative? Spend years of your life trying to put together a puzzle that's missing parts?

RaiderCC16 · 2024-06-10T19:12:08+00:00

You are not the only one bro. I am just starting the divorce journey and I know I will have these same thoughts as I have them now

Reflog1791 · 2024-06-10T18:53:03+00:00

Move on and let it go.

I made one good habit that helped: when I found myself in a triggered/ruminating state, I did 50 push-ups. If that didn’t cure it, 50 more. If it comes back a half hour later, 50 more.

If you can afford it, go get a massage. It’s called self care. Your work insurance will pay for everything but the copay. If you’re eating right, sleeping right, getting a minimum of 30 minutes hard (sweating) exercise per day, your focus and concentration will return. Your attitude will improve. That alone is worth a raise at most workplaces and all of the sudden all of your problems vanish.

If you have to go into work and there’s nowhere to bang out push-ups, you have to use preventative measures which include waking up an hour earlier (go to bed early), running a mile, making yourself a nice enjoyable breakfast, and banging out 100 push-ups. It’s clear to me that when you are the guy living right, everything will eventually come up aces.

FaithlessnessNo281 · 2024-06-10T18:50:18+00:00

Just gotta accept it. Assume it was all lies. You’ll never know, and it wouldn’t change anything if you did. It’s easier said than done, but you eventually have to deal with what is.

Independent_Owlz · 2024-06-10T17:36:22+00:00

You are not alone Guys. This thread hit me hard.

rsmiley77 · 2024-06-10T17:12:20+00:00

I’m really proud of all the comments in here. It’s a lot of guys that get it. Their decisions aren’t logical in most cases. Stop trying to make it make sense.

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-06-10T17:04:55+00:00

Easy, women only mean what they say in the moment. She was caught up in the Disney fantasy of your wedding and how special it was. She absolutely meant her vows at that moment. Reality of life kicks in later so now her feelings about that memory have changed

bigtallblacknbald · 2024-06-10T16:56:02+00:00

I wasn’t able to reconcile it. I moved on, and it changed my worldview - I now understand that some people can and will lie to you.

It hasn’t made me better or “all women are liars!” Or whatever. But I’m just not that naive anymore to believe that no one would purposefully deceive me.

Check out “necessary endings” by Henri Cloud

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-06-10T16:51:19+00:00

You don’t it’s as simple as that.

A woman’s reality is viewed through the lens of whatever emotional state she’s currently in. If she likes you everything you say is funny, everything you do is great and even your mistakes are “cute”. If she doesn’t like you it’s the complete opposite.

So, your reality isn’t going to align with hers if she no longer likes you. You can say women lie and that’s true but to them it’s justified because everything you did was bad because that’s what their emotions tell them.

Make sense? Good, now stop trying to make sense of her because there isn’t any.

MidniteOG · 2024-06-10T16:40:42+00:00

Even if you got the truth, would you believe it? You’re not the only one. I too am struggling with this aswell…. I just don’t know. I have so much guilt, even though I’m not the one who did wrong.

captainchippsixx · 2024-06-10T16:39:51+00:00

Women lie. They all lie. In their head they create a story of why it’s okay to lie. Then they craft another story to tell everyone that it was all you and your the problem. Women lie and take no accountability.

People that stab you in the back become enemies. Treat her as such. Learn the lesson and don’t fall for it again.

BuddhistChrist · 2024-06-10T16:37:37+00:00

You leave her and be done with her. It’s harsh, but that’s how you reconcile with a cheater.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-06-10T16:36:10+00:00

Tell me I'm not the only one.

You are absolutely not the only one.

Help me understand.

Thats the thing - no one can because you're trying to make sense of the BS. Shes out there telling everyone the sky is red and gravity is fake and you and everyone around you knows its crap but "its her truth" or whatever else they/she wants to justify it.

If you dont have kids with this person you need to move to no contact, remove/block/delete on all SM, and (frankly) give up some mutual friends if they are towing the line on her BS. Shes going to tell anyone willing to listen whatever the hell she wants... and thats for her to do. YOU, however, dont have to humor her by listing to or responding to it.

ImNotJoeSmith · 2024-06-10T16:26:12+00:00

It really is a mindfuck, man. My stbx brought up infidelity as a reason. All I could think is what the hell could she be referring to?? … the week we starting dating (years before we got married) I was still texting an ex-gf. THAT was my infidelity 😂 … I’m like ok so you married me anyways??? Idk dude, they’ll cling to anything they can if it serves their purpose. So this WHOLE time you were lying to everyone including yourself? No, think the answer is you want out, and now you’re a bullshit artist.

Don’t worry though, man. Live good, be a good man, be humble, and remember everyone that you think is judging you is more than likely judging her instead for talking shit. After the initial sting, you just go do you. And you say “I don’t give a shit.” She’ll be out spinning her wheels, don’t get caught up in it. She’ll look crazy, you’ll be off doing what you gotta do with a smile on your face again.

Nadathug · 2024-06-10T15:59:13+00:00

I’m dealing with this now. Been almost 2 years and I just can’t get over it. I no longer talk to her, I’ve moved on in almost every other aspect, but I keep ruminating over all the times I should have known she was up to something. I ignored so much.

Doing her hair different. Doing her makeup different. Buying a whole bunch of slutty clothes all of a sudden despite being too fat to dress like that. Getting really into Spanish music all of a sudden even though she doesn’t speak Spanish. Suggesting we try new restaurants she “heard” were good (she’s not a foodie and doesn’t research new restaurants at all). Taking up kickboxing suddenly and going on and on about how all the guys there are “so respectful” when I didn’t ask. Ditching the plans I made for her birthday to take a girls trip with a friend she’s only known for 6 months who “travels a lot”. Telling me she “just bruises easily” when I ask her how she got all those bruises on her thighs.

I already know she’s a lying, cheating, disrespectful whore. I dodged a bullet by not having kids with her and getting out of the marriage relatively cheap (she did run up about 3k on my credit cards before we split - whatever). I’m just continuously replaying those situations over and over, because I feel ashamed that I was such a sucker. I liked thinking I was able to trust her because I really loved her. It sucks that a feeling so hopeful could now make me feel like I was a clueless idiot. I’m also conscious of how I shouldn’t be thinking any of this, yet I still do it.

Meeting with a therapist next month, had to get on a waiting list. Bottom line is you’re not alone.

AttemptScary4550 · 2024-06-10T15:42:54+00:00

They lied to hide their shame and to keep pleasing themselves. They not only lie to you but they lie to themselves about what's right and what will make them happy. It's not your fault she got on a slippery slope and could not stop sliding. I realized the truth is meaningless to some people, so don't waste your time with those people. It's hard when you care about them.

chango01232020 · 2024-06-10T15:32:11+00:00

Man. Im still trying, though time has definitely helped. My problem is she still lies and succeeds at it. My saving grace is knowing I can live with who I am, so I just keep going and living my best life.

salty-sheep-bah · 2024-06-10T15:11:03+00:00

You'll slowly progress into not giving a shit. It might take a few more months, it might take a few more years. But as someone who swore I'd "never get over the lies" I am over the lies.

domo_roboto · 2024-06-10T14:41:49+00:00

Like others have said, for many it's hard to understand, rationalize, or find closure. But someone posted here once that helped me a bit and it was that: for men, we generally understand that facts and occurrences are separate from our perception and emotions about them. Something happens, we apply our perceptions and have our emotions about them but we don't necessarily let our perceptions or emotions change what happened. But this may not be the case with women and that for many, reality and history are all intertwined with perceptions and emotions which can lead to revisionist history. So once the emotions change, then the perceptions and even history changes and that's that.

In your case, it's lying, but she probably didn't and doesn't see it that way. Of course this doesn't make it right and the hurt you feel is all real.

Anyways, that comment that someone posted before has helped me move on.

Possible-Low469 · 2024-06-10T14:17:34+00:00

You've experienced something that can't logically be explained. Why some humans hurt other good humans.

Some people who are lost or damaged and don't understand them selves do shit they know deep down they shouldn't carry on , why, who knows.

Ever eaten the extra donut when you know that you shouldn't? Multiply that by 1000, with crazy sprinkles on top.

All you need to know is that you've experienced something that many people do, but now it's time to rebuild and take a instep in the right direction

soontobesolo · 2024-06-10T13:49:42+00:00

Eventually you will stop giving a crap about her, and her nonsense, and focus on yourself and your own happiness. There is no reasoning behind what she did.

Striking-Trainer8148 · 2024-06-10T13:44:07+00:00

Here’s my philosophy that took me years to wrap my head around

You were wrong. And that’s OK.

Today’s society puts too much stress on nailing things 110% the first time you ever do it. I believe it starts from standardized testing in schools, and the weight that it has on your future as you enter college and the professional world.

We are taught that if we are unable to do things right the first time, we are destined to be failures. That becomes a part of who we are.

But that is not true

People, organizations, companies, and governments make mistakes all the time. The only incompetent ones are often the ones who refuse to admit their mistake and cut their losses to make a change for the better.

At the time that you got married, I’m sure there were other women who were looking for your attention. All you did was simply bet on the wrong person one time. It does not mean that you are a failure. It does not mean that you are a fool. It does not mean that you are an idiot. It does not mean that you are worse than other people.

All it means is that You were given the task of finding a loved one when you were a young adult. A task for which you had very little preparation to do, no teaching on red flags to look for, and very few Society reinforcements that would protect the union that you were about to create.

When you did this, with no education or teaching on how to do it correctly, you did it wrong the first time.

And that’s OK.

Because at least you learned your lesson, and at least now you have a chance to do it right the second time.

Edit : stop worrying about her and what she did. The only thing that you can affect in life is you and what you do. If anything, in your head, eventually, you will thank her for not wasting more of your time than she did. There are many people who die after being in unhappy marriages for 20 or more years. Thank God, that’s not you.

MsunuKany0k0 · 2024-06-10T13:17:59+00:00

I don’t know if there is anything that can justify or make sense of those things.

I was the liar in my situation and I cannot explain why I couldn’t be honest outside of my fear of her reaction to my words. I feared how she would react and that stopped me; the truth got heavier over time and I never told her so when it all came out about 10 years after the fact it really wrecked her. My other issue was I had an addiction which affected my sane thinking. This is my story and doesn’t explain anything for you but I share it to say there is nothing I can say to my ex to explain my idiocy in lying

Title	How do you reconcile the lying?
Author	MasonsNumbers
Upvotes	38
Comments	59
Date	June 10, 2024 12:56 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dcku9i/how_do_you_reconcile_the_lying/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-reconcile-the-lying.1521129 https://theredarchive.com/post/1521129

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