Is cheating during a separation a thing

DivorcedStoic · 2025-10-29T22:54:12+00:00

Do you want to be the guy that isn't sure he can trust his wife, is going through her things, and calls her ex to see if they're screwing around?

If your boundaries are clear (is cheating during a separation a thing? that's up to you), and if someone crosses those boundaries, it's up to you to decide how to respond.

During my separation/divorce, the most important thing I had to learn was independence. The more I relied on my ex's behavior for my happiness, the worse I felt.

You can't control what she does, but you can control what kind of man you are.

raginggear57 · 2025-10-29T21:04:48+00:00

She’s using your paycheck to support her while she lets other men practice breeding her. Run. Man.

raginggear57 · 2025-10-29T20:53:37+00:00

Get out now put as much stuff as you can into a trust.

DBFool2019 · 2025-10-29T12:09:05+00:00

I'm not posting this to be mean, just for you to face the reality of the situation.

She tells me nothing physical happened between her and her EX. But she said she still loves him and it really hurt her heart to be leaving him. She also said if we didn’t have our son or any thing else stopping her from leaving she probably would have left.

Now all I can think about is the fact that she loves him more since she would obviously leave me. Our son also has a terminal illness and is only expected to life to 10 years old. So all I can think about is her leaving if we lose our son. And is our marriage completely ruined now, that now she realizes she loves him more. Any advice would be great I can’t stop thinking of the worst. We’re currently taking a distance from each other she’s out doing errands while I’m home with our son. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you.

This is from your post about a month ago. She is an immature, selfish, despicable human that is going to run off with some dickhead while she should be spending her time giving your child the best 10 years ever. This is over sir, if she comes back you will be getting used goods, because the ex will realize what a total POS of a person throws her family away for some high school crush. He may bang her for a while, but they will never last and you should be long gone by that time.

Divorce this terrible person and focus on making your child's time on this planet wonderful for you both.

DBFool2019 · 2025-10-29T11:22:32+00:00

There's a high possibility that she asked for this separation to try out a romance with the new guy. If he does well and checks enough boxes, you will get the divorce papers. If he doesn't she will decide to come back to you.

The thing is OP, if she wants out there is nothing you can do about it. Help her by filing for divorce this week and ripping this band-aid off of the bullet wound.

But I found that package she hid. And it’s a bunch of lingerie. And one pair is noticeably worn. And just found out she changed her password on her MAC to possibly hide messages or photos.

This is the moment you find out that the person you have loved and invested yourself in is a blatant liar and is betraying you at this very moment. Time to stop laying there in the fetal position and fight for your future. She's gone sir and the only thing left to decide is how much of your soul and worldly possessions she takes with her when she goes.

She explicitly said she wasn’t going to go and meet other people cause she wants to grow and be independent not worry about another man. We’re still legally married so if she is, isn’t this still technically having an affair

She technically didn't lie and yes, she is having an affair. She didn't "meet" someone, she already knew him and had an emotional affair that led up to this separation. I'm guessing the sex life changed when she came back from that reunion, didn't it?

There is nothing left to do but see the lawyer and start the process of reclaiming your life.

mehmench · 2025-10-28T20:11:30+00:00

Separations are there so the person who cannot decide can keep one foot in each location.

The other foot is totally fucking other people.

You should have a conversation to clarify if you are having sex with other people and dating during the separation and what the actual goals of the separation are. If she doesn't agree to the same boundaries then it isn't' a separation - it's her fucking around and keeping you in the wings.

Again, if she won't agree to your boundaries you should probably just say 'no' to separation and file for divorce.

Mindless-Equal6160 · 2025-10-28T19:42:43+00:00

It took my ex about 5 weeks to start texting another guy we both know him for 5 years now . we have been married for 27years it felt like the marriage meant nothing to her if she can do that so quickly . But i have found out what my ex is really like now . She has completely turned against me in the beginning she said everything 50/50 and be civil she won't even talk to me i have to send her emails which she doesn't answer. But i find that some people have no morals or even can't wait till we are divorced. I had the same thing with the lingerie my ex wife never bought it and no she has.

I would not contact that guy it will only bring more pain to you and do you think she will stop . Better to focus on yourself i know it is hard . But if you try and stop thinking about her and only about yourself in time it will get easier. I have also booked us an appointment with a mediator so I can move on as quick as possible so I can heal and hopefully never see her again

DaveTheDrummer802 · 2025-10-28T14:56:11+00:00

Seperationis the beginning of divorce; she is already gone dude. The quicker you accept it, the better off you will be.

She's also been thinking of doing this stuff for a while, which is why it happened so early in the seperation.

Optimal-Peanut-6236 · 2025-10-28T13:39:23+00:00

Man, when I read your post, it felt like I could’ve written it myself. I relate to everything you said. The part that really hit me was when you mentioned, “She said she wasn’t going to go meet other people because she wanted to grow and be independent, not worry about another man.” My wife said the exact same thing — and it turned out to be a complete lie.

It’s tough to accept the reality of it all, especially when this was supposed to be “’til death do us part.” I’m in the middle of my separation right now, and I still catch myself wondering if things could somehow get better. But, like you said, the truth is she’s moved on.

Would counseling help? Honestly, I don’t think so — at least not in my experience. And as for reaching out to the guy… don’t do it. Trust me, it won’t help. It’ll just make the pain worse or get you so angry you might do something you regret.

Thanks for sharing your story, man. It actually helped me too — just knowing I’m not the only one going through this.

QuoteDisastrous5224 · 2025-10-28T09:43:32+00:00

contact a lawyer,hire a PI to help you to collect evidence (I'm pretty sure that you'll be surprised),separate your accounts and try to protect your assets,try to find place to live and prepare for her something "special" ...

your marriage is over and she is already gone . . .protect yourself and move on . . .

Consistent-Cry-9452 · 2025-10-28T08:01:06+00:00

cmon man, you parted, in her mind she no longer have to hide her schemes but can openly enjoy the dick carousel.

Suspicious_Dot6179 · 2025-10-28T07:11:29+00:00

Seperation = divorce brother. I would not contact anyone, it just pushes her away

probebeta · 2025-10-28T05:48:41+00:00

"She said she was not going to ..." - It's all bs. Watch what she does not what she says. My advice, unless it helps you solve a legal problem in your state (eg. alimony) I wouldnt go digging or messaging anyone. You'll most likely find stuff and it will be counterproductive. Shes no longer your problem, focus on yourself only and kids if you have any. It sounds like a defeat right now but believe me it's not.

LearnGrowExist · 2025-10-28T02:35:30+00:00

Mine was in a different state with a different man during our “separation.” Yes, it is cheating regardless of what cheaters like to say to justify their cheating. And you’re right: it most likely didn’t start there. It hardly ever does.

Doubledolla · 2025-10-28T01:13:35+00:00

Bye Felisha.... the sooner you actually accept what's happening and move towards separation/divorce the better you will be. Its a hard choice and reality but once you respect yourself and focus on yourself not what she's doing the better off you will be. Be strong and realistic about whats actually happening.

Peace_and_Love40 · 2025-10-28T00:25:57+00:00

This is the problem with the ridiculous notion of remaining under the same roof during the separation period. Y’all should be SEPARATED. And you must try to move On and get strange ass.

henrysmyagent · 2025-10-28T00:25:24+00:00

She wanted a "cheat on my paycheck chump for free" card.

Bail. Now.

_uCanDoBetterBrO_ · 2025-10-28T00:11:59+00:00

You think texting the guy who’s knowingly sleeping with another man’s wife is going to make a difference? Do you think he doesn’t know about you already? Your wife is buying lingerie to wear for another man bud I’m so sorry this is happening to you but you have to face reality. Level up in every way possible so that when their relationship blows up you’re so far past her that it won’t matter how much she begs to come back. Would you want her if she did? You deserve better, hop on YouTube and search for stoicism channels like “stoic tribe” stoic truth” “stoic warrior” “women hitting the wall etc. I think like many men in your situation once we get past the initial shock and trauma of being discarded / replaced and begin to work on ourselves..divorce ends up actually being a blessing and in ways you can’t predict. It’s just hard to see right now which is totally normal. Best of luck bud

Immediate-Story2562 · 2025-10-27T23:26:05+00:00

When they say they want to grow, or need space or need to find themselves then be sure to know its over and she might be monkey branching in the background.
Dont beg, keep your dignity and start to focus on protecting yourself and also on what life is going to be without her. Radical acceptance might help. I know it takes a lot of processing and its going to take time.
All the best brother, dark days are ahead but the storm will clear.

omenoracle · 2025-10-27T22:58:10+00:00

Just eject man. You don’t deserve to be treated like trash.

keencone · 2025-10-27T22:42:45+00:00

Don’t play her stupid games, there’s nothing to be gained from it. ‘Separation’ is just preseason training for her to get prepared for what’s coming while f’ing with your head.

I get it man, it’s incredibly difficult to not obsess over what she’s getting into, but you will go crazy thinking about it and it won’t change a damn thing.

Separate yourself emotionally and mentally from the relationship, every little bit helps.

alteregolife · 2025-10-27T21:43:54+00:00

My ex did this 2 weeks into separation. To me, ideologically speaking its cheating. But what's the point in debating it? Your marriage is done, best move.on.

_CaptainCooter_ · 2025-10-27T21:29:13+00:00

Unless you’re looking for something specific out of the divorce, bringing up infidelity is pointless

Strange_Chemistry503 · 2025-10-27T20:48:28+00:00

I think it is called fornication. Or adultery. Depends.

Beamformer · 2025-10-27T20:31:36+00:00

Of course she is going to say, " I DON'T want to find your replacement" , of course that IS exactly what she wants a head start on. it sounds though, like she already has replaced you, at a minimum, mentally. Get on with your life, honestly I'm so glad I did, instead of wasting an entire year for the divorce to complete. I busted my ex through social media, and the shit had gone on for a minute, so i got over her and then on with my shit in aboit 6 months. As soon as I started going out with younger, funnier, smarter women that cared what I was saying and were fun to be with... I didn't care. Mine/yours they think they can level up... so thats what I did, what you should do. Ive been having some of the best years of my life, since I got the person out of it that didn't think they wanted to be in it... and brought in someone who does.

BigBossSnake_98 · 2025-10-27T19:06:15+00:00

Not to add to the long list of repeated points… I am in a somewhat similar situation.

To answer your post’s question, it really depends on the state you live in. Some states don’t give af at all about any extramarital behavior (e.g. my home state of Nevada has always been notorious for the easy divorces decades before anyone else). Other states like Oklahoma (the one I’m living in right now) still have adultery criminalized, though it’s not really enforced.

So, find out your state’s views on marriage, adultery, and what constitutes separation. In my case, OK considers the period of time from the beginning of the marriage to either the date of divorce or LEGAL separation to be the period where adultery can be committed. Adultery is explicitly defined as sexual intercourse outside of the marriage.

If your state has similar definitions and you suspect divorce, the best you could do is find a PI to investigate for you or find a way to access devices to find proof. That being said times are tough and if you don’t want to invest, I agree with a lot of the guys here, just move on and make sure you yourself won’t get caught up with someone else in case the STBXW gets snoopy about your behavior.

BigBubbaMac · 2025-10-27T18:49:03+00:00

Personally I don't think so. I'm not out trying to meet any one but I really wouldn't care if she was. It's been 5 months and I'm over her. I'm just focused on my daughter and keeping the divorce process moving. I'm going to keep on moving forward with my head held high.

superman_410 · 2025-10-27T18:19:29+00:00

File for divorce bro, i wouldnt waste anymore time or thoughts on this chick, she aint the one

notconvinced780 · 2025-10-27T17:53:13+00:00

The reason to NOT consider it cheating is that a separation is the transitional period between parties deciding they are no longer moving forward together with a romantic relationship, but the logistical details about how things are severed have not been finalized (or even addressed) yet. If you looked at it another way it would mean that one party could obstruct/delay or otherwise manipulate the divorce process to control the actions, behavior and pursuit of happiness, of the other party. You guys are done. As grandma used to say: “ best way to get over her is to get under someone else.” Listen to Grandma.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-10-27T17:31:06+00:00

Just so you know when women say they want to "grow" that means they want to go experience other men.

You are married so yes she is committing adultery. Most women are not going to care on bit about that once they have lost attraction for their husband. Your wife falls into this category woman.

Gattsama · 2025-10-27T17:26:03+00:00

By definition it's cheating as you are legally married. The real question is do you, the STBX, the state, or anyone else care?

Unless it affects the final divorce decree, just ignore anything and everything about her. She's only your wife legally, the marriage is already dead. The goal of this point is to start working on distance, separation, apathy, and planning for the legal disillusionment of the marriage.

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2025-10-27T17:25:36+00:00

"We are in our separation but we never said that we both are free to see other people during this time"

You don't have to say it because that's what everyone understands a separation to mean. You are separating ostensibly in preparation for divorce.

WitchDoctor431 · 2025-10-27T17:22:02+00:00

Yes its cheating if you want to sleep with somebody else why bother with the separation just file and stop leading your spouse on hoping of reconciliation... its cruel

ThrowRA_That_Owl · 2025-10-27T16:56:48+00:00

OP, just read my post history. It's terrible and how badly it can traumatize you and nuke any chances of building a better relationship.

Frito_P3ndejo · 2025-10-27T16:49:43+00:00

As much as I think I’d like to …I don’t think I would….don’t have the head space for it ….I’ll get by baiting until it’s final

Used-Ad2513 · 2025-10-27T16:43:16+00:00

Its not cheating. Its a seperation. That means you both are sorting out your lives and frankly, what either of you do during that time doesnt matter because it leads to either reconciliation or divorce. I understand where youre coming from I think. You are considering marriage vows are in play during seperation, in the hopes you both will take the time to focus on each other and the marriage. It sounds like her mind is fairly made up and she is stretching her legs, changing the routine, getting her mind used to adaptation and change. Im sorry.

conceptcreature3D · 2025-10-27T16:01:11+00:00

I mean, separation is how one decides whether you need to move on. I know many that have used it as an excuse to hook up—since they’re “technically no longer together.” Regardless on the legal parameters, sounds like she’s moving on & you know it.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2025-10-27T15:59:37+00:00

In my opinion, yes - until nothing has been filed or separation agreement signed. You are being lied to while still married, and probably used as babysitter while she has her fun and kept as a B option - she promises she won't fuck around to keep you hoping and not dating and finding someone else, manipulation at it's worst.

Legally, in my country nobody gives a fuck.

Litelifer386 · 2025-10-27T15:47:42+00:00

Sure is! So is lying, manipulation, smoke and mirrors and probably gas lighting. The question you should be asking is if you live in a no fault state. If you do, none of this matters. I would avoid snooping through her stuff. Start preparing yourself to accept the fact the marriage is over. I would avoid contacting the boyfriend. What do you hope to accomplish? What will you say? What response are you looking for from him? If you’re going down the road of separation and divorce stop talking to her. Be selective and strategic with what you say. She is not your friend. Lawyer up if you can. Start researching. Start planning. Don’t let her know how this has impacted you.

Slowloris81 · 2025-10-27T15:36:15+00:00

Don’t know your jurisdiction but it’s common to date when separated. If you’re looking to reconcile, that’s one thing. If not, why do you care other than if it’s a preexisting relationship that proves infidelity from before the separation?

gratefulstudent76 · 2025-10-27T15:33:14+00:00

If that’s important to you then you should talk about it. It sounds like she has moved on already.

tyyyy110 · 2025-10-27T15:30:43+00:00

Yes its a thing!

Absent-Thought · 2025-10-27T15:24:42+00:00

It might depend on where you’re located, but that’s something that usually should be discussed and agreed upon.

I told my stbxw that if she goes and hooks up with someone else we’re 100% done. She claimed she wasn’t interested in messing around or dating, only for that to be what she intended.

But, to answer your question due to the information you provided. Yes, she would be cheating. If that’s what’s happening, I’m very sorry that’s happening. I’m sorry you’re going through what you are in general!

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-10-27T15:24:28+00:00

As long as there's a signed separation agreement, nope. Plus the burden of proof is extremely high for infidelity.

Title	Is cheating during a separation a thing
Author	BackgroundBat2420
Upvotes	21
Comments	67
Date	October 27, 2025 1:24 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ohebjj/is_cheating_during_a_separation_a_thing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-cheating-during-a-separation-a-thing.1565137 https://theredarchive.com/post/1565137

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