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mycatpukesglitter
[–]swatir24FDS Newbie263 points264 points265 points 6 years ago (18 children) | Copy Link
I turn 30 this year and the pressure from my family to get married has been mind boggling. Some days I fall prey to this mindset where I think time's running out for me.
I need to stay strong!
[–]GenometricPickmeisha™️165 points166 points167 points 6 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
Ugh the WORST is when family/friends try to "pressure" you into this. I WAS married (been divorced for 5 years) and despite my husband being so undependable, my mom, best friend AND HER MOM kept pushing me to have a baby, adamantly stating that even if I didn't want them now, I would eventually, how I was running out of time, and how even though my husband was unreliable, there were tons of single moms out there. I was just like WTF guys, are YOU going to take care of this child? It's crazy how other people (WOMEN at that) think it's acceptable to want to control your life.
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple49 points50 points51 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Also, why do they feel entitled to plan your life for you? I'm sorry you had to deal with that nonsense.
[–]GenometricPickmeisha™️26 points27 points28 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I wish I knew. It got to the point where I avoid being alone with the 3 of them together, because they kinda play the "gang-up" game when they do it, and it's like, guys, I said no.
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple39 points40 points41 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Seems like "crabs in a bucket" mentality. They gang up because they are projecting their insecurities onto you for having standards and expectations within yourself then feel threatened when you say "no" because they personalize your choice as an attack on themselves because they are envious of your freedom?
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple60 points61 points62 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Or when they try to argue about the "benefits" of marriage to get you to cave (ie: 2 incomes vs 1 income to rAiSe tHe BaBiEs aNd A fAtHeR) to shame you for wanting to be selective in finding an equal partner because they are insecure about the choices they made and want to project it onto us?
I'd rather get IVF or adopt a baby on my own than a LVM leech that picks and chooses being a parent/spouse if I wanted to have a family but wHaT dO i KnOw
[–]rinabeanFDS Disciple43 points44 points45 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It is a lot better to have 2 incomes than one and to have help than not, but it's also a lot better to be a single mother than have a useless or harmful co-parent. These women seem to be promoting all the bad sides of having a father for your child and none of the good? (For their own daughter/grandchildren too... really shameful!)
If you want kids, either have them with a good man or without one at all - with a bad man is the worst choice you could ever make, for you and for them. However hard you will find pregnancy alone, at least a sperm donor won't murder you - murder by a current or former partner being pregnant women's most likely cause of death. Even in the more typical case, you don't need the neglect and uncertainty of shared custody, or him trying to waltz in and out of their lives, or him trying to take them from you. It really makes me despair that mothers would be encouraging their own daughters to live like that, condemning their own grandchildren to that...
[–]swatir24FDS Newbie29 points30 points31 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's easy for them to tell us what we should do because they don't have to live with the consequences of it. They don't have to suffer the mental and emotional baggage that comes with dating a selfish guy just so he will marry you some day, being in a toxic marriage, going through a difficult divorce or raising a child alone.
On a side note, why was your best friend's mom so invested in your future child?
[–]GenometricPickmeisha™️20 points21 points22 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Girl I wish I KNEW! I honestly feel like it's because she's super Christian (she's actually a pastor and everything) and they say the Bible says women are supposed to procreate or something. My best friend is my age, 33 and she has 3. But she also has a pretty well-off husband who provides for her and has never had to work a day in her life.
[–]TigreImpossibileFDS Apprentice7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
My family did this to me too, encouraged me to just get knocked up... My grandma, God bless her, I loved her so much, but she would put the screws into me about how it was her one wish to see my child before she died 🤦🏻♀️
(She died in 2014).
[–]GenometricPickmeisha™️8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Family is great at guilt-tripping you. Maybe it's a generational thing? Like the older generation didnt see kids as a CHOICE, more like "Of course you're having them, get a move on already." 🙄
[–]TigreImpossibileFDS Apprentice6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I also had a cousin who would ask me with a panicked look on her face once a year or so "HAVE YOU MET ANYBODY?" 🤬🤬🤬
🖕🏼
The levels of anxiety these people produce!!! Thankfully she shut the fuck up.
[–][deleted] 10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sometimes it helps women to limit contact with their families of origin.
Some women are like crabs in a bucket. They encourage you to go after marriage and babies, then cackle, gossip, and laugh at you behind your back when they see you struggle later on.
[–]mycatpukesglitterFDS Newbie[S] 41 points42 points43 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I feel you on that. I am 31 and have had long term boyfriends throughout my 20s. The longest was 6 years before I dumped him after we bought a house together and he said he, “ thought about proposing but decided against it.”
The pressure for marriage is real. And if we aren’t getting married, how about them babies? Ugh. Thankfully, my family is supportive of me not wanting children, whether my own or some overgrown dusty project. They want me to be happy, whatever that looks like. I’ve broken the cycle of teenage motherhood, low level education, and living paycheck to paycheck because of this.
I do want to be married one day, and my current boyfriend knows this. There’s no set timeline, but I’ve made it clear that he better be serious or GTFO; and he’s shown me he is so far.
[–]N3wY34rN3wM3FDS Disciple25 points26 points27 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sometimes I wonder if a day will come when people no longer feel pressured to marry in their late 20's and early 30s.
[–]4BigDataFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Tell them that you will marry as soon as they give you a home free and clear in a good school district and to pay for college for all your kids.
There, problem solved.
[–]Newwavesupport3657FDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This just makes me so glad I’m no longer in contact with my family, they thought I was less than it’s because I’m not married.
[–]kristahhhh2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m in the same boat... it’s frustrating but then I see some of the craziness my friends deal with from their partners and I wouldn’t have the patience to put up with what they put up with!
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple383 points384 points385 points 6 years ago (20 children) | Copy Link
The biggest mistake we can make as Queens is the limiting belief that we need to adhere to an arbitrary timeline to find a mate. 1) You don't "need" anyone but yourself. 2) There are HVM in all stages of life so stop focusing on how or when it will happen, just live your best life and it will come into fruition.
[–]cloeedFDS Newbie150 points151 points152 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Absolutely! I’ve been embracing my life as a single woman for a year and a half and have honestly never accomplished so much, I’m getting to know who I am and setting goals for myself and I love it. Once you become ok with the idea of potentially ending up alone, the pressure of finding someone who might not match your standards just to beat loneliness and societal pressure flies away. As your life just becomes positive and stress free, it also gets easier to get rid of NVMs and LVMs who weight you down.
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes, this! I was SO happy when I was single for 18 months (well, it took 6 months to get there), I had also just lost a job and had very demanding friends who weren’t good friends, and was trying to change careers, as well as having just come out of long term relationships for the first time in 17 years, first time of having a mortgage, and also been ghosted for the first time by a guy i thought I knew...
BUT after having all my friends never be there for me through that time, but dumping all their crap on me at all hours, trying out shit jobs for shit pay, and learning how to date casually but also not bother with men - I was SO happy and got so much done.
This year when I broke up with my ex, people (mainly pickme friends) were pressuring me to get back onto dating, as that would prove I was finally “over” him, that was just a couple of weeks after! I had so much to work through and honestly, just wanted to chill on my own and work on myself.
Considering pulling myself out of the dating pool again so I can focus on me again.
[–]notochordFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You’re an inspiration! ✨
[–]PollyAnnaSunshineFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well said!!
[–]whatglasses5FDS Apprentice42 points43 points44 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Not just this, but waiting to find a partner before we do the things we dream of is another huge mistake. Putting your dreams on hold for a hypothetical man is a sure path to regret.
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple25 points26 points27 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is golden advice. This is absolute truth.
You will regret all the decisions you make on behalf of another person thinking they will give you the same consideration and reciprocity (they rarely if ever do). You will NEVER regret making a decision on behalf of yourself if you truly know in your heart it's the right decision for you.
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yep. I’m actually surprised by how much I achieved in my 20s considering I always had terrible boyfriends who I threw myself into. I managed to finish two post graduate degrees, pay my car off in 3 years, change careers twice, and save enough to buy a home at 30... but I always think back to if I didn’t waste all that time, just how much I would’ve achieved.
Spending my mid-30s now just learning who I am, and what I want - smashing out more goals to set myself up and be happy in life.
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is so beautiful to hear and I am so happy for you! Very inspiring to know what is positive and possible out there when we put ourselves first!
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Aw thank you 💜
[–]Solid-LiquidFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I was so depressed seeing my friends find their soul mate and getting married in their 20s. It probably caused me to get in the crappy relationship I was in and settle for less.
Now that I’m out of that crappy relationship, I genuinely don’t mind being single. Most people I know who got married ended up getting divorced and telling me how much they regret getting married so young so...🤷🏾♀️
[–]mycatpukesglitterFDS Newbie[S] 7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I understand where you are coming from. Even though I didn’t really care about getting married ASAP in my previous relationships, I still felt like I was missing out on something. I realized it wasn’t the married part I was missing out on, it was actually being valued in my relationships and by myself.
[–]AdminiousFDS Newbie113 points114 points115 points 6 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I honestly believe HVM only show up later on in life after a queen become a full fledged queen.
Guys in there 20s are still in the party phase and learning how to be grown ups. They don't mature until after 28 ish. Any HVM in his 30+ will tell a queen in her 20s she too young out of respect.
So really focus on yourself until your 30 where you are knees deep in your career, well traveled, know yourself better etc. The men only get better if you wait because careers take a while to develop.
[–]Mayonegg420FDS Newbie69 points70 points71 points 6 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
I totally agree and I wish women realized this. I’m 24 now but have been on a self-worth journey for sometime. I still have so much growing to do with unlearning toxicity. And for that? I’m okay with not meeting my dream equal partner right now because lowkey, I wouldn’t know what to do with him. I’m still figuring out what I need.
“Any HVM in his 30+ will tell a queen in her 20s she is too young out of respect”. YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! 25 is still young enough to be groomed. I have a thing for older men. I was hooking up with a man in his late 30s who was very passionate, called me everyday, but was super flaky to the point I had to adjust my crown and block his dusty ass. He was single bc women his age weren’t falling for that shit.
Went on another random date with a different man in his 40s. We met at a bar and didn’t discuss age. It was like, a perfect date in an indie movie. Hot as hell, super smart, knew I was a queen. Took me to a blues club and we danced til 5 am. Fell head over heels for him in one night. I was crushed when he said he was “too old” for me. Even threw myself at him lmao yikes. I spent the next months angry as hell looking for “closure”, when there wasn’t any to find. He was just genuinely a good man who wasn’t gonna choose sex over our blatant differences.
[–]HealthierOverseasFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
The ‘one that got away’ for me was about 7-8 years older. I have never deeply connected with someone like I did him. He truly loved me, but cut me loose because he said I would have to make all the sacrifices for us to be together, and I “would grow to resent him,” and he didn’t want to do that to me. (We had different life situations where I would be giving up the dream job, in the dream city, as well as the travel-filled life I envisioned, due to some complicating factors.)
He was totally right, but my goodness that one stung for a really long time. And him looking out for me in such a way made him even sexier. 😩 But the silver lining is that he taught me what a HVM truly looks like; and thankfully after having a taste of it, I am unwilling to settle for less.
[–]Mayonegg420FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Whew that hurt!!! But it’s because we aren’t used to men making mature decisions. A usual dude would’ve just let you be long distance until the relationship fizzled our, he got “bored” and cheated on you because he didn’t have the courage to actually come to a logical solution and communicate. Definitely a lesson.
[–]AdminiousFDS Newbie26 points27 points28 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Its ok, I made that mistake as well. I hate guys my age because they are immature and I have a thing for older guys too.
Any older guy who agreed to date me with a large age gap are pigs. They just want sex with a young pretty thing and most likely married. If they are truly single there a reason, women their age smell the bullshit. Hence why they target young girls because they don't know any better from lack of experience.
Learn from your mistake, and teach others. Your closure is, he was an asshole. You dont need that toxic piece of shit in your life.
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Spot on analysis for sure, thank you! :)
THIS ‼️ yes sis , i fully embrace being unmarried well into my 30s possibly 40s based on my personal development, men and their delayed development , and career. 26 right now.
[–]Unlikely-MarzipanRuthless Strategist9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
100%! One of the ladies I know is turning 50 soon, and she’s never married or had kids. Just met the love of her life last year, and he dotes on her (I’ve seen it), and he is 10 years younger.
[–]outside-perceptionFDS Newbie89 points90 points91 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I'm 27 and I wish I felt that at 23 instead of the programmed panic. I'm glad I still have time and I encourage everyone to live for themselves and (if they have kids) to live for them too. No more be all end all with a Disney romance.
[–]kaitybubblyFDS Newbie40 points41 points42 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same. Turning 28 next month and so much stress from dealing with LVM in my early twenties would've been avoided had I adopted this mindset earlier, though thankfully we know now!
There is more to life than marriage and kids- I'm not going to put my life on hold and stop myself from experiencing it just because I'm not willing to settle.
[–]girludontbringhomeFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I was very panicked about this from 20-22 (people in my area get married relatively young). I was then in a sucky relationship that ended, also lived with my parents for a while and was reminded of their sucky marriage and how much it affected me growing up, and then I stopped panicking. Being single is sooo much better than being with the wrong person.
I used to feel like I was missing out on things in life by not having a romantic partner. My friend got engaged; I can also buy myself diamond jewelry if I want. A friend and her fiancé bought a puppy together; I can also do that by myself. Another friend and her boyfriend went berry picking together as a cute date; I can do that as well and with friends if I want to! I don’t even miss the physical aspects of relationships anymore because none of that even feels good to me when I can’t completely trust the guy which has been the case for every guy I have ever dated.
[–]La_Fant0maFDS Newbie77 points78 points79 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yes. And the positive side-effect of living life for yourself is that you will face fewer douche bags (douches are allergic to strongly independent people), you will build your own financial stability, you will do the things you like and make friends with the people you like, and maybe, on your travels, you will fall in love with a wonderful person. And if you don't, that's okay too, because rather spend your life single and enjoying it, than in a relationship and miserable.
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple34 points35 points36 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Let the trash take themselves out as you level up, the right people will stay in your corner because they hold themselves to similar standards.
TBH if I want to "settle down" and there are no HV men, I'm just going to foster or adopt. We shouldn't feel pressured or compelled to compromise our personal values, boundaries and integrity to feel like we can "have it all" with a LVM. We CAN have it all without them if we create the foundation within ourselves to live the life we always imagined for ourselves!
[–]girludontbringhomeFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Being in a relationship and miserable is the most horrible feeling and so isolating. It’s hard/embarrassing to open up to friends about what’s happening, so you just feel so alone. I feel it’s easier to open up to friends about feeling down about being single rather than being unhappy in a relationship.
[–]PollyAnnaSunshineFDS Newbie61 points62 points63 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Oh, man. I feel this so hard. If only I had known this at 23. By 25 it felt like everyone around me was coupled up and the pressure to “find someone” was choking me. My parents are divorced and my only dream since I was a kid was to have a happy marriage and family.
At 27, I started dating my ex... relocated and got engaged at 28-29, and dumped him, cancelling my wedding, just days before 30. Thinking about my younger self I just want to give her a hug and tell her to forget about guys for now and go to grad school instead. Life is long, and we can dream more than one dream.
[–]123psych123FDS Newbie24 points25 points26 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Dream more than one dream
So beautifully said. Gave me the feels 😭😭
[–]DesperateCheesecakeFDS Newbie44 points45 points46 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
As a 23 year old, I like this very very much.
[–]Few_DirectionFDS Newbie25 points26 points27 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I’m 21 and someone said it perfectly, “programmed panic”. It happens to all of us after we graduate high school or a few years into college, it’s ridiculous. Our lives really are just getting started. We need to stop freaking out and just enjoy life.
[–]iloveefalafel6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
True and guys take advantage of this 'programmed panic' and try to sell you dreams
[–]pettyspaghetteFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same. I feel like I really needed to see this.
[–]cece188FDS Newbie37 points38 points39 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My favorite thing about this sub is how it doesn’t just focus on how to vet men or find a HVM, it also helps us better our own journey, encouraging us to level up in our careers, education, etc. When I was younger I used to think marriage was the ultimate goal, and since I’ve joined this sub, I’ve realized there is so so much more to life than having a husband/kids. It’s truly amazing.
[–]EurasianEmpressFDS Newbie33 points34 points35 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I’m a 23 year-old virgin who has never been in a relationship and I’m SO relieved that I’ve never bothered with any men at all. I still struggle with feeling like I’m in a hurry to start a career and make a living, though. I graduated last year and haven’t worked since and I don’t even know if I should or want to go to grad school or if I could even get in 😢.
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Equifinality: there are different means to the same end result
If you want a career, why do you feel like it's not positive and possible to go to grad school? There are plenty of different ways to make it happen without a GRE requirement or different ways to approach a career if you are more of a hand-on learner.
There are plenty of career paths that do not require additional higher education and provide on-the-job training.
There is no timeline. There are plenty of people who start new careers in their 60's or begin a new chapter.
Take one step a day toward the path you dream of. A small step is better than no step at all.
[–]_boring_daven_FDS Newbie23 points24 points25 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
If you never spend the money on a wedding, think about all the travels you can have. The average wedding can afford you a very nice trip to wherever you want to go
[–]curlygirl507FDS Apprentice8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Several times over.
[–]Aurora_BorealizFDS Newbie47 points48 points49 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Or assuming your life starts and ends with a man at all. I've been getting so frustrated with a friend of mine. She constantly asks me if I've been entertaining any romantic interests of sorts and when I say no she floods me with "Okay but keep your heart open, you deserve love!" and I'm over here like girl I fucking know that. It's just not a priority for me right now. My life is so full, and I don't mean overwhelming, I mean full and satisfying and I'm content - focusing on balance, a secure and organized home, happy pets, happy plants, doing my daily education grind. I get so much satisfaction from my life just as it is, and there's still so much I'd like to do before I even consider adding a partner of value to my life. Just leave me be like damn.
[–]FitncurlyFDS Apprentice17 points18 points19 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
As much as I adore my family, I felt this. I had a lot of potential and I put it all on hold. I felt an invisible pressure that wasn’t truly there. I’m trying to carve my independent path now much later than I should have. I had fun, loved youth (still fairly young if I do say so myself), but my education and career went on hold and I didn’t do any traveling other than US (and only a small portion at that). Ladies, this is the truth. Let yourselves live free, explore, discover, grow and adventure just like men have always been able to and as our foremothers only dreamed of. Playing catch-up is a shit game, and you can’t get time back.
[–]junjunjennFDS Newbie31 points32 points33 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Are there really 23 year old ladies out there wanting to get married this bad? It’s the fucking peak of your life y’all don’t waste it on a dude! For me, at least, it was before I had any REAL responsibilities. That won’t happen again until I’m retired probably. Live it up while you can before a career, house, other life stuff keeps you from being free.
[–]curlygirl507FDS Apprentice16 points17 points18 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Started doing this at age 28, 32 now and never been happier. 🦄
[–]happytollFDS Newbie13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I think The Bell Jar shows how society not only trained us to want husbands and as soon as possible but pressures the women who don't automatically want husbands and families or prioritize their careers.
[–]lival42FDS Newbie11 points12 points13 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
So much THIS!
[–]Newwavesupport3657FDS Newbie11 points12 points13 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I did this at 21 then got abused over it and some trauma. Not a traditionalist so even if I had a bf I wouldn’t see the point in marriage, but regressing back time wishing I was in a relationship. Need to revive the 21 year old. She didn’t need them because she was starting to love herself.
You just need to love yourself and generate your own happiness.
Most men don’t even have hobbies the just want a woman to serve them.
[–]JessyJKFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You know what? You're right. This is exactly what I needed to hear right now.
[–]PokemonBreederAJFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Wish I would've started this a lot sooner but am on my way! Turning 25 in 2 weeks, graduating in 8 and a half months with a degree that will allow me to live comfortably for my lifestyle and also allow regular travel but a 9-5 when I'm ready to stay in one place. If a man comes along that fits in my life that'd be great but a man won't be the centerpiece.
[–]sophrosyne2189FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
For this to happen, I would advocate for girls to stop watching mainstream romantic movies or love stories. In my case, consuming these stories have made me predisposed to be always on the lookout for a romantic encounter for me to fulfill my romantic dreams, at the cost of the more important things.
If I had a daughter now, I'd really monitor the media she consumes.
[–]notochordFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I wish this woman gave this talk to all the kids in my church’s youth group 20 years ago.
[–]BigfatbeechFDS Apprentice9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Wonderful! I'm currently 23 from a bad background, this year I've left my bf, been accepted to college, and I've already saved a down payment for a house when I graduate and I'm well on my way saving for a vacation across the country, last year I took a 2 week dream vacation. 23 is a great year. :)
[–]OrchidLionFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I never had the money freedom or opportunity to live my life in an enjoyable way. Now that I am mid/late 20s, and I have that freedom to potentially do fun things, I feel that crippling "programmed panic" as someone so accurately stated. I keep feeling like I am disintegrating into an old hag, and am too preoccupied with getting products treatments and procedures with my money instead of having fun with it.
This post helps though. Also the fact that I hate most males and barely have hope for them as a species, so I dont WANT any of them. That part really helps. I can relax and do what I like. I can enjoy my time and my life. I can make a bucket list and check it off as I do the things I always wanted to.
[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Definitely make that bucket list. I made mine in my late 20s. I enjoyed the vacation so much that I went back the following year. And the next year I checked off another bucket list destination. I'm currently getting my life in order again after divorce (it took YEARS), and I'm looking forward to checking off more things I'd like to do.
[–]quietmirthFDS Newbie14 points15 points16 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I wish my parents had told me this.
[–]godherselfhasenemiesFDS Newbie7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My parents did tell me this but I couldn't figure out how to afford college or travel so I got married instead 🤷♀️😬😅
[–]abbadactyl5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Am I chronically single at 32? Yeah. Do I have a passport full of stamps and a career I'm proud of? Damn straight.
[–]VivaLaSeaFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is literally me. I’ve been traveling around the world and living my best life for the past 5 years. And, I couldn’t be happier.
[–]inlovewithaloserFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m 25 and I can’t believe it’s taken me THIS long to realize this. Seriously. Life has sooo many possibilities and toxic men barely ever bring anything to the table but heartaches and headaches. I’m so done. Thanks to this sub and many other resources, I’m so officially done. Excited for MY future that I’ve worked so hard for (and will continue to do so). Starting Uni again soon after taking time off due to financial and other reasons. Life couldn’t be any better. This time, it’s really about me.
[–]godherselfhasenemiesFDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 6 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link
I hate how privileged this is. Having the money to travel and get an education isn't anywhere close to a universally available alternative to marriage. We need to show what that looks like for poor and middle class women too. I'm not even poor but University education and world travel aren't accessible to my part of the middle class.
[–]mycatpukesglitterFDS Newbie[S] 13 points14 points15 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I climbed my way from well below middle class, haven’t traveled the world, and have fallen victim to many LVM.
Can you appreciate the sentiment for what it is? Live your life the best you can without living for other people.
[–]godherselfhasenemiesFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
No I can't appreciate the sentiment for what you think it is, I'm analyzing it for what it's saying. It's giving privileged women a real alternative to marriage: idealize travel and college. Things to dream about and aspire to.
What about the people for who those things aren't accessible, but marriage is? Give us something accessible to idealize instead of marriage. Idealize independence and female friendship. Cat ownership maybe.
[–]FurryBellyButt0nFDS Disciple6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Building a sense of community, volunteering, taking care of pets, learning new (low-cost) hobbies, creating a side-hustle on Etsy, learning a trade or taking advantage of an accessible low-cost skill that can translate to a career, taking a free online course offered through various universities for fun, learning about different cultures/history online, finding free pen pals online and writing to them...taking advantage of all the free covid museum tours and other items offered virtually, fostering a child (if you want kids, do not feel pressured though or compelled if that doesn't bring you joy), reading new genres of fiction/non-fiction from the library...etc.
[–]mycatpukesglitterFDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Great list, and definitely shows that people can translate traveling the world and getting an education into whatever gives her life meaning.
[–]EasymodelifeFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is a great post, and really hit me in the gut. I've been lurking on FDS for a while. I'm a 40-year-old woman, and I have been single since I left my LVM husband back in 2013 for refusing to work (seven years later, he still wants me back...not happening).
Since then, I haven't been sure if I should try dating or not. I've been concentrating on building up my own life. I don't know, on the one hand, I want that connection and a best friend but on the other, I worry that I will end up with another useless leach, and being single beats that any day of the week.
I'm trying to figure out whether I even want another man in my life, because they always seem to want to take more than they give. I love reading all your posts. They reinforce my view that while I would like to find love, you can't force it, and if he's not 100% invested then it's a fool's errand to try.
[–]vaxfarineauFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Okay, as a 24 year old, I feel SO OLD and lame. I dropped out of high school officially at 18, unofficially at 15 bc I was barely going. I got my ged, have been working since I was 18. Moved states, live with family, don’t really go out and do stuff. I want a squad though, like people I can go party with and have adventures with like I had back home. Just doing dumb shit. A lot of my old friends are settling down in careers and whatnot, and I’d like that but I would also like my weekends to be fun filled and have spontaneous trips and hangouts after work. Idk how to do this. I want to go back to school but I’m working part time right now and want my own place. I’m a biracial WOC and my dad is kinda racist so I need my space ASAP. Idk how to do school and work and support myself... I’m very nervous. I’m looking into therapy but I’m just so unsure about life right now and I feel so behind everyone.
[–]Ms_TillyRuthless Strategist2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I worked and supported myself since I was 17. It was very hard. I couldn't afford to work full time to pay my rent and car and other bills and ALSO go to school full time. I had to turn down an internship at my dream job. It was devastating, but I just couldn't make it work. So I decided to move to my dream area and figure it out. I worked sometimes three jobs, but I lived at the beach. I got a girl squad from one of the jobs. Eventually (around 26 or so), I paid off my car and got myself back into school via financial aid. I was single and living alone-bliss. Getting married and having kids was the furthest thing from my mind. I somehow balanced all three jobs and college so that I could save money for traveling out of the country once a year-something to look forward to that made it all worth it. I went on three amazing trips while keeping my grades up. I went on these trips alone because they were expensive and I would be gone 3-4 weeks. I highly recommend learning to love traveling alone, but you have to be safe.
I actually met someone right before graduation and we did end up marrying and having a kid. But I shouldn't have. I should've paid attention to red flags and just stayed single longer. I fell into that trap of thinking I was running out of time. Being with him meant moving to a new country. It was exciting, but it was overall a mistake. The marriage and divorce put me back to square one financially plus I had a kid and no longer had the option to work as many hours as I wanted. My 30s have been a bigger struggle and less fun than my 20s lol. But I finally got myself in order again the past year or so. I own my house, another car is paid off, and I'm hoping to go on trips again. Soon my kid will be old enough to stay home alone some days.
Moral? Put yourself first ALWAYS and don't let a man derail you or set you back.
[–]mycatpukesglitterFDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Have you thought about finding an online school? I did my masters this way and it was great. I took one class at a time. Some schools do accelerated programs where you do one class for a few weeks instead of three classes each semester. That way you only have to focus on one class at a time.
I was the first to go to college in my family so I didn’t have support from people who knew what to do. It’s very scary to dig yourself out of that mindset where you feel unworthy and afraid of success. I also worked full-time and went to school for my undergrad.
Your friends are on their own timeline. Don’t worry about what they’re doing. Worry about yourself and what you want. You CAN have a career and be spontaneous. I work in accounting, so the only drawbacks for me is that I can’t travel far the last or first week of the month, but I make my career fit my life, and not the other way around unless you find your unicorn job that doesn’t feel like work. I haven’t yet. I’m working to live and not the other way. I’m not focused on my career, but I support people who are if that makes them happy.
[–]bey124FDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
No need to imagine anything here, this is reality.
[–]HuuaaaFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
29 y/o now and this is how I've been living out my twenties. It hasn't been easy as I've had to drown out the voices in my life telling me that I'm wasting my youth by not leveraging it to find a husband.
Boys are never told that they they should stop exploring and investing in themselves so that they can focus on finding a "life partner." Why should we?
[–]sharee_FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
You can always do this WITH a husband too if you have a HVM. Traveling the world, getting your education , etc. doesn’t just halt because you have a boyfriend / husband. You can literally do all of this with a man too as long as you don’t depend on him to be able to do it.
Edit: I do see where this post is coming from though. My sister is a pick me and literally would decline trips and not plan trips to her dream destination because she wanted to save it to do with her “future husband”. Now she’s married to a LVM she just met and he doesn’t even want to travel with her. Plus she dropped of most of her friends that she could’ve actually went with and I don’t see her talking about these trips anymore . So hey I guess this advice isn’t that bad for a lot of people.
[–]mycatpukesglitterFDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I totally agree. I think a lot of people forget that marriage or having a long-term partner is the joining of two individuals and one can maintain some sense of independence. I wouldn’t marry or stay with someone who wouldn’t support me going back to school or wanting to pick a place on a map and planning a trip with him or my friends. I don’t expect perfection, but I don’t want to miss out on what I want to get out of the little time we have being alive.
[–]sharee_FDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah as long as you’re with the right person all of these things are still possible in a relationship , having a partner should be a positive addition to your life
[–]keusarami2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's actually a common mindset over here. I guess getting married is a suburb/countryside lifestyle
[–]nowayfroseFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Taking myself off the hamster wheel of marriage has been SO FREEING. If it happens it happens, but my main priority is building a home of ME and my career and friends and dreams.
[–]girludontbringhomeFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Exactly, and also we have almost no control in regards to when we will get married, especially if we want a HVM. All we can do is be HVW and keep vetting those LVM. Aside from that it’s pretty much out of our control, so no need to worry about it.
[–]aqua_not_capriFDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I’m actually thinking about joining the Navy right now.
[–]FewButterscotch6FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You should research the rape statistics for women who serve before you go any further with that.
[–]laprincipessa1431 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Navy brat here, I personally can’t recommend this in good conscience for a single woman, but I am nobody to stomp on other queen’s dreams, I’d love to hear what your thoughts are so far! It definitely has some huge benefits and huge drawbacks to consider.
[–]bluemoonicecream221 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I just turned 25, a few months ago the man I saw a future with broke up with me and I feel like I want love and a partner so bad and like I’m running out of time. I really need to try to get into the mindset of having a good life even without love. It would go against the what I believe I want but maybe if I could trick myself I would be happier
You’re not running out of time. You can walk. You don’t have to run. It might take longer, and the path might curve, twist, loop, and everything else besides forge straight ahead, but you will get there. You’re worth learning to love yourself as an individual first.
[–]libraliaFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Big Oof for me! Trying to get it straight now.
[–]heisenburger90 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm super late but you have no idea how much I needed to hear this right now.
[–]cold_bananas_FDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I wish I was told this when I was 23! Or even younger honestly.
[–]atgmailcom0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Travel the world kinda came out a no where there
[–]WillisAurelius0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sounds great for some. For some marriage in 20s is also great!
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Amen 🙏🏿
[–]tiredofyourcrap0Throwaway Account0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
PeriodT. This is how it should be done 💯
[–]yasz3120 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
80 0%
[+][deleted] 6 years ago* (6 children) | Copy Link
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[–]PinkPilledDemonFDS Disciple5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Oh stop
[–]mycatpukesglitterFDS Newbie[S] 8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Are you saying women over 29 should focus on popping out babies and living for her man?
No one is saying don’t ever get married and have children. The sentiment is that a woman shouldn’t live only for her husband. There’s more to life.
[–]polvre2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
‘you should not have to give up the basic human right to marriage’ I didn’t know that we were all entitled to government mandated husbands lol. Feminism is about choice. You have the right to get married and have kids, or to not and travel to world and be educated. No not ALL women want to do that, but we need to support the ones who do.
[+][deleted] 6 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
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