is planning the same weekend trip with a different girl one year later an issue?

intergalacticanon44 · 2022-02-24T07:42:18+00:00

How do you even know he took her? That will illuminate A LOT imo

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-02-24T14:59:13+00:00

Listen to your intuition, you are feeling the ick for a good reason so don't disassociate from the warning !!!!!

cryptohobo · 2022-02-24T11:46:34+00:00

It sounds like you’re upset because when you told your boyfriend this bothers you he invalidated your feelings by saying he doesn’t see the issue. Oh, so something is only an issue if he has the ability to see it too? Interesting double standard.

What do you want to do? Are you okay being with a partner who is quick to dismiss your feelings instead of listening to you first? What if he told you he was bothered by something you did and all you said was that you didn’t see the issue?

devilooo · 2022-02-24T10:48:20+00:00

Is he doing this for your or for him? Is this a trip he likes and you get to tag along? Would he still go on this trip even if you don’t join? Is this a couple trip that you both discussed and concluded on?

I don’t have an answer, I can only say an example of a trip that I love to do and invited my SO to join me too.

That does not mean I am doing this trip for him, I am doing my usual trip and I am happy he joins me.

queen_azulaa · 2022-02-24T07:13:50+00:00

You literally answered your question. Its low effort. Unless his family and friends also go to that cabin, the only significance it has is with his ex. It upsets you. It doesnt matter if your reason is bcs the cabin name starts with B and you hate the letter B or smthing stupid... its a weekend getaway. Its purpose is to relax and enjoy the activity and the company. Youre not going to have fun being neurotic and analytical of your BFs actions all weekend, trying to assess if hes thinking of his ex while hes there with you. And every corner of the cabin youre having intrusive thoughts about your BF and his ex.

How long was the gap between you and this ex?

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-02-24T07:12:15+00:00

Do you even like trips like this? Or is this his low effort, “Worked on the last one! Why reinvent the wheel!”

I was mad when my ex did this to me. It was hurtful because it made me feel that I was replaceable: just a body to take up space and do girlfriend things, and no effort from him to plan something especially for me.

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2022-02-24T10:20:10+00:00

If you’re upset, then you don’t need to worry if that’s “right” or not. I’m so sick of other people trying to convince us our feelings are invalid.

Fact is that you’re upset! Focus on that, feel it, honor it, and then when you’re ready talk to your dude about it. If he can’t acknowledge your genuine emotions without being defensive or rude then he is a LVM.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-24T09:26:31+00:00

You just said it’s not special and he’s not putting in effort for you. Next him.

Commercial_Place9807 · 2022-02-24T15:50:56+00:00

Listen to your intuition. I might read this and be like, “well maybe he just had a good time and wants to go back?” but here’s the thing, I trust women and our intuition, for some reason this is giving you pause.

The only thing I will say in his defense is that I find men to be wholly unsentimental regarding places. There are places that give me the ick or warm, fuzzy feelings because I associate them with people, my fiancé though has said, “a place is just a place and that past encounters with someone at that place don’t affect his feelings on it.” An example, I always want to go to our first date location for dinner on our anniversary, but he’s said he’d rather have a tradition where we try someplace we’ve never been for dinner on that day. Also some of his fave places to go are places he and his ex-wife used to frequent and I’m confident he has zero feelings for her.

My dad is the same way, his little brother died in a hunting accident, my dad still hunts in that exact location without it emotionally having any effect even though his brother’s death wrecked him.

thewetdog_ · 2022-02-24T17:47:44+00:00

Is this like a family cabin he has access to? In that case not weird

all_or_nothing_bet · 2022-02-24T15:24:01+00:00

I don't know. I have been going to the same area to ski for years with my family, also every time renting similar cabins with similar amenities. I would be going with my boyfriends on the same trips without even thinking it could look weird or would hurt any one's feelings. It's just a great area and I like to have the same comfort lever regardless of who I'm going with. Is it bad?

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-02-24T10:55:02+00:00

seems to me like he needs the placeholder element. is the cabin his? or does he rent the same cabin to go to with every women he has relations with?

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-24T21:41:27+00:00

I think what troubles me most here is his response to you expressing your concerns. Instead of being understanding and offering to find something else you would be comfortable with, he dismisses you and shuts you down and tries to get you to go along with what he wants. That's a red flag to me.

kimmysradscreename · 2022-02-24T13:36:47+00:00

All these comments are full of possible scenarios. But it's also possible that he enjoyed the trip more than her company, and wanted to share the experience with the person he cares about (you). Maybe he ate he best food he's ever had at a nearby restaurant and wants you to try it. Maybe the sunset was indescribably beautiful at that location and he wants you to see. Maybe he really sucks. But I don't think we can definitively conclude that this is a problem.

Constant-Wanderer · 2022-02-24T14:42:25+00:00

If the cabin is the more significant part of this, like he owns it, or his family owns it, or it’s the same one he’s been going to for years, before any GFs, then I’d say it’s not worth breaking up over.

However, not only does it not seem to be the case, I see that he’s also minimized your concerns, further reinforcement of the “he’s a lazy shit” possibility.

That’s far more concerning. Let me ask sis, how much of this trip did he pay for?

derpinat_butter · 2022-02-24T11:18:59+00:00

Did she plan the trip and he's too lazy to plan smth on his own?

ThrowRA_lantern · 2022-02-24T22:37:55+00:00

I went on the same trip 10 months after I went with my LVX. The location and activities were very very important and special to me (my first cozy “winter wonderland” style trip because i’m from a hot, tropical country) but my abusive ex completely ruined the vibe. He made me cry a lot, was in a foul mood, very disorganised and he hated Winter too.

But when I was about 5 months in with my new bf I really wanted to go to that place again. He planned and paid for pretty much EVERYTHING (I added all the things I wanted to re-do) and he made the entire experience absolutely wonderful! I’m glad I re-did that holiday. I fell back in love with the area and the nightmare experiences of my last ex were gone.

Not saying your bf is redoing the trip just like me, but I thought my story might put some perspective. The difference here might be that my bf also loves and suggested this kind of holiday so we mutually agreed on it. Whereas your bf suggested the trip without it suiting YOU and making it special for YOU.

MrAndMrsCremgroblin · 2022-02-24T18:20:32+00:00

Has he only been there only the once with his ex or is this a place he loves and he’s been going to for years and brought his ex last year? First one is bad, second one is gone dead for it being the same weekend but could potentially be okay.

AnneJedonia · 2022-02-24T18:41:28+00:00

You asked your question in the first half of your post and answered it yourself in the second. I myself love to go to the woods/ be isolated and would likely invite my future Bf despite going with an ex but I’d likely switch up a location. Does he love weekend trips to the woods?

hologothic · 2022-02-24T21:36:50+00:00

You're right to feel that way, it shows he's lazy and you're upset because he didn't put in the effort to plan something unique. One of my exes was the same way, so many of the things we did were the same things he did with his ex (who he will never ever get over and was still obsessed with).

In the beginning he was more open to doing activities I suggested but after a couple of months he never wanted to do anything that wasn't his idea, and I only found out about the unoriginality of it later because he suddenly started following the same exact pattern with his next girlfriend, and a couple of mutual friends confirmed it. When he and I were together, it was all the same right down to regurgitating the same playlist he made specifically for messing around. Music is heavily tied to memory and the realization he used that same playlist with his ex made me feel so disgusted, because it made me wonder if he'd been thinking about her during those times. I initially thought he was so thoughtful and different, that he really made an effort, but he's actually as unoriginal and boring as the come as well as a massive control freak. It was creepy and made me feel like I was just a placeholder. I felt used. It took a long time to reclaim my sense of self and realize I wasn't worthless.

My whole point is, this is weird and I'd consider it a red flag that this guy expects you to retrace the same steps he made with an ex. It could just be laziness, but the level of entitlement is really what makes it bad. It could also be his way of trying to use you to rewrite that memory of the cabin to get over her.

millennialpink2000 · 2022-02-24T15:48:36+00:00

My ex did this and it really bugged me. He was lazy and selfish so couldn't be bothered to try. If I were you, I'd be gone

JulyParade · 2022-02-24T15:39:26+00:00

You already know you are a re-run. He's not making the effort. He's not indicated he has any special connection to you or this area that he wants to share with you. Honestly, it's a little creepy. Tell him he should enjoy the weekend with his bros if he loves the area so much.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2022-02-24T14:17:12+00:00

Cabin in the mountains is no-no for a boyfriend you don’t trust- as has been said multiple times here. I would have casually suggested we do something else. But the fact that you said it upsets you and he didn’t immediately change the trip is major 🚩

GoldieOGilt · 2022-02-24T08:11:35+00:00

I think you're right in your feelings, they are justified. My brother in law had several girlfriends and when he told me, again, again "we will go to rent jet ski" about him and the third girl with who he was going to do that, all I thought was "ew. they are just numbers to him". A relationship is not only being with someone and doing things. It shows low effort. You need to get to know the other and how to please this person in particular. Even if a man plans something that almost everyone on earth loves and that you can enjoy too, it still feels like you're being interchangeable and just another number.

melympia · 2022-02-24T11:16:56+00:00

So, what this trip really comes down to is a get-away as cheap as possible: Cabin instead of hotel, having to do your own chores, probably some hiking as "entertainment" - apart from using the hot tub for sex.

Add to that that it's actually a re-run of his trip one year ago - yeah, right. Apparently, women are super replaceable to him. Sounds like a keeper. /s

smart-tart23 · 2022-02-24T13:43:35+00:00

Ya it would feel like insert vagina not person here How unoriginal

Junior-Lion7893 · 2022-02-24T13:52:51+00:00

He’s treating you like her; dump immediately.

It means he’s just looking for a replacement. History will repeats itself with this one.

espressomeowtini · 2022-02-24T07:05:32+00:00

I would be upset, too. It shows a complete lack of creativity and effort on his part, and who knows what kind of nostalgia that trip will bring for him. The fact that it makes you feel those things (which are totally normal BTW and I’d feel the same) is enough to make it not ok.

Is this something he sprang on you without asking? I’d tell him you don’t want to go and be very clear why. If he fights you on it or tries to minimize your very valid feelings… leave and don’t look back.

timefornewgods · 2022-02-24T09:25:44+00:00

Your feelings are valid, no matter how out of place they feel. Work on going through the answer to the questions that you've posited. Strangers cannot help you through them, particularly with a lack of context.

Unless the cabin is a timeshare or seasonal home that he or his family uses frequently, it is an indication of a lack of creativity on his part. Laziness is not an attractive trait - planning can be a bore sometimes but it should be worth it for someone who supposedly wants to spend time with you. If you go without discussing your discomfort, the trip will be charged with the memories of his ex and you second guessing your worth to him as a romantic partner.

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2022-02-25T06:42:06+00:00

Soooo…it would be a red flag for me. It’s worth noting that this is actually a VERY common thing that narcissists are known for doing. I used to participate pretty regularly in an infidelity support group after I caught my shittiest ex cheating and this was a tale women in the group told over and over. Narcs love recycling “special places” and using them with the subsequent partners. It’s a huge turn off and unacceptable to me.

even_thriller · 2022-02-24T18:33:08+00:00

Its low effort and thats why its upsetting you. On context, it seems like a re run on his part and he's not putting in effort to make you feel special. I'd say thats why you are upset. It reeks of laziness and unoriginal so you have the right to be upset. The question is upon realizing this would be cancel the trip and plan something else for you?

This is one of those things where if it bothers you, it bothers you. I take my current boyfriend to my favorite korean place I also took my ex too- in fact I introduced my ex to my fav korean joint just like I have my current bf. He actually asked me last week if I find it upsetting he takes me to his favorite sushi place he also took his ex too- which he also went to before he was with either of us. I went to my favorite korean place before I met my ex or my current bf and I countered that I take him to the same place I've taken my ex to. We've both had happy memories at our respective favorite restaurants on our own and I'd continue to go to the same restaurant if my boyfriend and I broke up.

In your case its unoriginal and doesn't make you feel special. Your boyfriend should do something that makes you feel special and isn't low effort. Its just a re-run.

pickadaisy · 2022-02-24T15:51:45+00:00

What is your ideal trip?

Keepers12345 · 2022-02-25T10:07:52+00:00

Has he ever gone there without a woman?

I'd be curious if he went to the same place with his 2nd to last ex. Is it a place he goes annually, and so important to him that he wants his gf to take in the awe of the place?

Also, did he mention ever taking her (AND YOU) on trips that she (OR YOU) have been wanting to go?

I think that it's totally understandable and valid that it feels uncomfortable to be in this "same thing, new girl" setting.

If you do decide to go (and stay with him for now while you're still vetting, etc), can you plan road trip stops or detours that are just for you?

Maybe there are ways to make the most of this opportunity.

The way that he responds to your requests to tailor the trip to you can be telling.

spicyspa · 2022-02-25T15:33:47+00:00

It sounds like a scene from the movie 45 Years which is about a woman who realizes her husband married her because she was similar to his girlfriend who died tragically decades earlier.

Title	is planning the same weekend trip with a different girl one year later an issue?
Author	imacommunistyaidiot
Upvotes	494
Comments	61
Date	February 24, 2022 6:56 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t04hd6/is_planning_the_same_weekend_trip_with_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-planning-the-same-weekend-trip-with-a-different.1103189 https://theredarchive.com/post/1103189

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