More and more I'm seeing this fuckery on OLD and I need to speak, because I have feelings on this issue.

First of all, I believe that poly-amorous relationships are largely some bullshit. I personally think you decide your relationship is poly if:

  • You know he's going to cheat anyway
  • The dick/emotional connection is bad but you're staying together for financial/children/convenience reasons
  • You know he's going to cheat anyway

I literally can't imagine any other reason. Please feel free to inform me of all the fun, sexy reasons you are willing to let your husband fuck other women besides some liberal feminist woke open free love bullshit notion, aka you think he's going to cheat anyway. It's Pick Me bullshit. It's "cool girl" taken to the extreme "It's fine if Richard fucks other women because we're post-modern and woke and at least we communicate".

"Oh" you might say "but I get to sleep with whoever I want, too!" Great, you get to have the chance to be sexually disappointed by a barrage of strange men instead of just the one. Lucky you. Sex without commitment is always going to be more beneficial for the man in any situation. Opening up extra opportunities for casual sex in your relationship makes you a circus clown.

My issues with it as a practice aside, my frustration is more with the extremely entitled notion that I will want to date someone who has a fucking wife and children. What do I, a single woman, get out of this? Let's take a look:

  • We are starting the relationship with the overarching idea that you have a wife that you will always love and pick over me.
  • The relationship will never go anywhere. Even if we have the best connection in the world, we love each other deeply, and want to spend the rest of our lives together. What then, we're going to get engaged and I'll join your fundamentalist harem of sister wives? I'm not moving to Utah.
  • If things don't work out between us, you'll cry into the loving bosom of your wife. Assuming you care at all because you were only ever in the relationship about 20%.
  • Half the dudes who say they are open won't provide proof because they're fucking lyyyyyyinggggg.

Why are so many of these married men sliding into my inbox with this nonsense? How is this a "good deal" for any single woman looking for a serious relationship? How does this benefit us in any way? Perfect, I get to work around your kid's soccer schedules, get relegated to second class booty call, and get to be your ethical mistress? Literally and kindly throw yourself into the sun.

So what's the solution? Since open relationship ass people are going to keep doing their thing, I gently suggest that people in open/poly relationships:

  • Pursue other weirdos in open relationships so you can mutually be weird together.
  • Stop using OLD as your personal meat catalog.
  • Stop asking if we want to join your sex life. I'm sorry your sex is boring, there are kink communities for that.
  • Don't hide your MARRIED STATUS until several days into the conversation. That's just fucked up.
  • Stop approaching single people to participate in your shenanigans. They will get jack shit out of this deal. Recognize how deeply and utterly fucking pointless this arrangement is for anyone actually wanting a real, meaningful relationship

I look forward to all the "but I'm in a super duper healthy amazing open relationship" comments that I will disregard because I know it's some bullshit.