Why does stuff like this always go viral? It’s just encouraging more women to accept less and “adjust” themselves to tolerate bs !! 😤😐

lostmillenia · 2021-07-22T14:27:22+00:00

Yes we can adjust the relationship. They will no longer have one with me.

K0rla · 2021-07-22T14:29:26+00:00

I’ve had similar conversations with my therapist, BUT adjust the relationship actually meant I adjust how I interact with people.

I think the overall message of “don’t try to get people to meet your standards, just adjust” is fine, if adjust does not mean having the same type of relationship and just accept being unfulfilled. It can mean just demoting someone without the implications that cutting off could have (having a big fall out).

However, reading his last sentence, I very much doubt his analysis of relationships is as deep as my therapist’s.

thepsychopathhunter · 2021-07-22T14:49:07+00:00

Most women already are conditioned to accept and rationalize even the most horrific mistreatment and behavior. They face societal gaslighting on almost every level teaching them to accept less and engage in people-pleasing for the worst types of people. Sad that this went viral instead of a more empowering message.

What we need more of is encouraging women to own their valid anger and outrage at being violated so they can finally establish boundaries.

starfighter07 · 2021-07-22T14:13:44+00:00

Lmaooooo after the famous "yoU nEeD tO cOmMuNiCaTE" here is "yoU nEeD tO AdJuST"

curlywurlyprincess · 2021-07-22T14:15:43+00:00

if they don’t have the capacity to fix themselves I shall not have the capacity to give a fuck. Thank you, next 💅🏽

catlady4u · 2021-07-22T14:51:39+00:00

If a man doesn't have the 'capacity' to respect a woman's needs, he is utterly worthless. And probably has a very low IQ. I don't bother with morons.

KnowledgeOk5995 · 2021-07-22T14:11:52+00:00

All I can think is get a new therapist....VET YOUR THERAPISTS

mamadgaf · 2021-07-22T15:00:33+00:00

This is also his interpretation of what his therapist said. He’s possibly twisting their words to justify treating his girlfriend like shit.

There’s a difference in accepting that, say, your parents are only capable of X and Y, but not Z, and adjusting your expectations accordingly so you don’t continue to be hurt that Z doesn’t happen, compared to allowing a partner to continually not meet your needs.

There is more than one type of relationship. This guy is taking something that is healthy in some relationships and using it to justify poor behavior with his partner. All relationships aren’t romantic relationships. Your relationship with your parents, family members, neighbors, boss, coworkers, the mail carrier, the person who checks you out at Target, are all still relationships. Romantic relationships require a different level of commitment than any of the others.

Abusers love to tell their therapists one side of the story and then come back and use what their therapist said to justify to their partner their poor behavior and to diminish their partner’s needs, telling their partner that she’s wrong and being unreasonable.

And don’t forget, LVM will lie and gaslight, and make everything about themselves.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-07-22T14:17:18+00:00

And this is how women are brainwashed to waste their own time from every angle.

pearlspaghetti · 2021-07-22T15:15:16+00:00

Here’s another simple way to avoid disappointment: don’t settle for someone who “doesn’t have the capacity” when you can just find someone who does. Women are always encouraged to stoop down to meet scrotes at their level instead seeking out men who already reach theirs.

catlady4u · 2021-07-22T14:27:06+00:00

I read this as: 'accept and tolerate abuse'

FDS-GFY · 2021-07-22T14:59:31+00:00

Lowering one’s standards can be useful in certain situations. Not in a life partnership

theterminatress · 2021-07-22T15:14:24+00:00

A lot of people in my profession are pick mes, sadly. Or they’re men who have no understanding of the experiences of women. Or they’re not bright enough to get it.

My last therapist tried to get me to date guys with kids and wouldn’t wear a mask in his plague rat central office (no windows no ventilation). Fired him and let him know I’d report him if he made anyone I know sick.

SadPersonality8576 · 2021-07-22T15:28:19+00:00

Ask yourself this: why is feeling disappointment a categorically bad thing? Why would you avoid feeling disappointment in cases when that is the only appropriate reaction? Why would you ignore such an important interpersonal indicator? Why the hell would a therapist gaslight you into getting rid of your boundaries and expectations?

SkyWanderluster · 2021-07-22T16:11:19+00:00

Same when you face 3 hours of commute for minimum wage, has childhood trauma, chronic illness, faces sexual harassment at work and these MFs will "give you tools so you can cope", with your debilitating anxiety and depression. They put the onus of dealing with it all on the patient instead of analizing the environment. They can LEGIT feel like you're the way you are because it's your fault.

abby_ch238 · 2021-07-22T15:07:17+00:00

This is exactly why I don’t fucking trust therapists. Like yeah I’m sure there are good ones out there but my last two made ME feel like I was problem when it was my narcissistic mom and ex. One even said that I should stop being clingy and have a life of my own like my bf does and that I’m bothering him. Fuck that man it’s a drag just trying to talk with people like this. Cut off anyone who doesn’t respect you, INCLUDING pick me therapists

_queeeen_ · 2021-07-22T15:47:04+00:00

I think adjusting (lowering) expectations is an accommodation you make when you want to or have to keep the relationship on life support. A friendship or familial relationship can’t grow when you’re letting the other person squeak by. But such a tactic can preserve your own mental health while the other party gets their shit together.

Would not recommend lowering expectations with a boyfriend or man you’re vetting. That’s the main relationship context where you should have the utmost standards. Settling for less will set you up for a lifetime of misery. Save the compassion and patience for your sister or bestie when they’re fallen on hard times.

SakuraGirl88 · 2021-07-22T15:54:04+00:00

Oh no. This is not what my therapist would encourage me to do. This will just enable men to do nothing, not even the bare minimum 🤦🏽‍♀️

lskfjd743 · 2021-07-22T15:19:01+00:00

Yeah, this therapist needs his/her license revoked!

Yellowsunflowerlover · 2021-07-22T15:50:43+00:00

That therapist needs to be FIRED!

QueenAlice3 · 2021-07-22T17:01:43+00:00

The dangers of a therapist indoctrinated into the patriarchy. This is something we should talk about more. It’s great to tell everyone to go see a therapist, but it’s so dangerous to become vulnerable to a person that teaches you to sacrifice yourself.

myoklife · 2021-07-22T16:55:37+00:00

The problem isn't me walking around blasting my flamethrower recklessly. It's that people just need to adjust their expectations of me and just accept and anticipate that I may be anywhere with my flamethrower at any time

LovedDemons · 2021-07-22T16:00:32+00:00

Oh, you're telling me to tolerate assholes? NEXT THERAPIST.

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-07-22T15:00:24+00:00

Following advice like this has never done me any favours.

saint-jezebel · 2021-07-22T16:13:48+00:00

I don’t completely disagree. What I will say is by dropping expectations, I’ve been much happier. The problem though, is that if a person is pushing boundaries and can’t reach standards, then you adjust accordingly by leaving, not staying and adjusting relationships. If it’s not for work, leave me alone.

shockingupdate · 2021-07-22T18:53:24+00:00

"Instead of cutting them off, adjust the relationship"

Okay I'll adjust it down to 0%, thanks

coolestgirlyoueverme · 2021-07-22T15:52:15+00:00

If he wanted to, he would

heleninthealps · 2021-07-22T16:44:51+00:00

And because of this mindset.... she'll have THAT facial expression for the rest of her accepting dating life.

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-07-22T17:29:45+00:00

If my therapist ever told me this b.s it would be the last time they see my face!

derpinat_butter · 2021-07-22T17:54:29+00:00

That's meant for coworkers, neighbours etc., not the people you chose to spend your life with!!

acadametw · 2021-07-22T19:13:45+00:00

Ughhhh "wHaT ThEy DoNt HaVe ThE CaPaCiTy tO dO"

Then they should be fucking single and take care of themselves.

Stop wasting your life on people who FUNDAMENTALLY LACK CAPACITY. They aint shit by definition. Jfc.

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-07-23T00:26:37+00:00

What a shitty therapist. I mean, I get it. It’s a lot easier to get and keep clients if you give them advice that keeps everyone around them happy and gives them a temporary high of acceptance. But what is actually going to serve your client, is advice that will make them their best selves and give them strong boundaries. No, they aren’t going to have as many people around, but the ones they do have will be the very best of the best.

pozzalovah · 2021-07-22T18:58:12+00:00

Well Yea I will accept the capacity of said relationship by blocking lol.

Twolipz_78 · 2021-07-22T21:06:05+00:00

So what if he starts to do the things that you told him bothers you to a hellish degree?

thecrazywitch31 · 2021-07-22T21:09:40+00:00

Actually not just for romantic relationships but also other relationships where you feel this might apply:

THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS

you know they're lashing out on you because its projection and they're insecure or some other shit as to why they can't great you with respect. But it still fucking hurts. And you'll always feel why you aren't "mature" enough to handle this when yk it's not about you.

Just cut them off

sveji- · 2021-07-23T00:43:41+00:00

It will show how "not disappointed" you are once your friends find hvm who worship them as the queens they are, while you accept the crumps your nvm gives you.

Ironsculpture · 2021-07-24T21:13:00+00:00

Why "adjust" one's mindset and silently suffer when getting rid of a problematic relationship is objectively far more beneficial? It makes no sense.

randomgirl34861 · 2021-07-22T23:39:08+00:00

My boyfriend’s therapist told him this advice in relation to his parents. They were not there for him growing up, and now want to be in his life as an adult. He doesn’t expect them to support him, so anything kind they do is a surprise. When they let him down, he isn’t as hurt because he didn’t expect them to be there. This has really helped him a lot.

However, I don’t think this is appropriate advice for every situation. You can’t go and choose new parents, siblings, children, etc., so you either have to adjust your expectations or cut them out. But I think it’s very inappropriate to apply this to people who you choose in your life (like friends and romantic partners).

arnezuara · 2021-07-22T18:19:46+00:00

My therapist was mostly wonderful but oh my, how we both were delusional 🤡

warinmymind94 · 2021-07-23T03:35:40+00:00

there's a similar toxic advice my sister told me her therapist told her saying "not to have any expectations" with the warped logic that then you wouldn't get let down.

I wish we would teach people, especially young people, to expect to be treated well by people and how to walk away / stand up for yourself in less than appropriate conditions.

I remember having a group project in high school where it was a powerpoint and we each had a different section to work on. one of the guys in the group refused to do any work on it and the other girl in my group put up a few lines of generic low effort info for him. I spoke with the teacher saying he wouldn't contribute, despite me making the effort to "compromise" and offering to help him even, but of no avail. anyways, the time came for the presentation. I did my part, she did her part, we both chimed in a little on each others parts. he stood there silent the whole time. finally his part came, he read off the generic sentences and then looked to me to help. I said "well this is YOUR part. go ahead and explain to the class more about what (topic) is." he couldn't do it and embraced himself saying "I dont know." my partner and I let him flounder. the teacher embarrassed him further and finally asked me and her to explain his part and mentioned he was already graded and this part wouldn't impact us. we did. I am lucky that teacher graded us separately, otherwise women get roped into taking on extra work that isn't theirs for fear of their own grades / success while the lazy scrotes get away with it.

Professional-Pea-317 · 2021-07-23T12:22:08+00:00

If you dislike yourself that much, sure, go for it.

Why does stuff like this always go viral? It’s just encouraging more women to accept less and “adjust” themselves to tolerate bs !! 😤😐

Comments

I lack the capacity to deal with those who don't meet my reasonable expectations

Title	Why does stuff like this always go viral? It’s just encouraging more women to accept less and “adjust” themselves to tolerate bs !! 😤😐
Author	KnowledgeOk5995
Upvotes	591
Comments	71
Date	July 22, 2021 2:10 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/opelg0/why_does_stuff_like_this_always_go_viral_its_just/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-does-stuff-like-this-always-go-viral-its-just.794001 https://theredarchive.com/post/794001