Controlling partner

Gravel_Roads · 2024-11-19T18:19:37+00:00

We need to stop using words like “having the RIGHT” and instead ask “is it reasonable?”

There are no relationship “rights”, if you do something and your partner doesn’t like it, they aren’t required to endure it. Full stop.

So where does that leave you? Well: you can ASK just about anything of your partner as long as you accept they can say No.

Ie You can ask your partner to delete all of their social media accounts but it’s THEIR right to say No.

However, if you don’t like something your partner does, and they don’t want to stop doing it, it IS your right to leave.

Many people might consider it silly to leave someone over having a Reddit account but if it really bothers you, that’s still going to be your preference

My_House_on_Mars · 2024-11-19T18:08:17+00:00

Controlling is always bad. The only thing I'm ok with people controlling each other is monogamy and shared finances

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-11-19T18:49:58+00:00

None of this sounds healthy. Your partner doesn't get to tell you whether or not you can have social media or who you're allowed to be friends with. They also don't get to tell you where to sleep, if thet can't sleep next to you, they can move to the couch.

Stop dating people you dislike and trying to make them into someone you do like.

Capital-Literature-9 · 2024-11-19T18:02:41+00:00

As a grown adult, you don't get to TELL what another grown adult does so long as they have capacity. Partner or not. You can ASK and explain your reasoning why you think/ don't think x, y, and z. And if you're in a loving relationship where you trust eachother, you should be able to work it out in a healthy manner from there.

When you have a disagreement they make you sleep on the couch to punish you. Is this part of a healthy relationship or a serious red flag?

Personally, I think that whole cliché is ridiculous and wouldn't tolerate it. If you have a problem to the point you don't want to sleep in the same room or bed with your partner, then go sleep elsewhere yourself.

Jesus-God-Cornbread · 2024-11-19T18:28:30+00:00

I personally wouldn’t tolerate it. I don’t enjoy being treated like that. Being single sucks but this also sucks. Pick your suck. I grew up with very controlling parents so controlling is a no go for me. There’s people that like that sort of thing I guess.

Combatenjoyer23 · 2024-11-19T17:58:57+00:00

All of these things are controlling. I think if you don't have a strong sense of self esteem and self confidence you shouldn't be dating because you'll likely get taken advantage of or forced into accepting compromising positions. The moment you are confronted with bullshit like this you should call it out and if it happens again you should leave.

fredwester · 2024-11-19T19:00:03+00:00

This stuff is not normal. It's abusive/controlling, yes.

I'm sorry for snooping, but I looked at your post history. I just want to suggest that you talk to your friends/family about your situation, and ask them for help. It sounds really bad. Perhaps contact some men's resources wherever you live.

attendquoi · 2024-11-19T17:59:25+00:00

No to all of the above. If I have that many issues with what someone does, I'd just leave them.

Clementinequeen95 · 2024-11-19T19:10:33+00:00

Those all sound like a mom or dad punishing their child. Not a healthy relationship

Fair-Bus-4017 · 2024-11-19T17:51:02+00:00

if we are gonna argue with what is healthy and what isn't then:

I don't see any good reason why you should restrict someone's access to social media. So I would argue that this is indeed toxic and controlling.
Depends on context. There are situations where you can district your partner from seeing certain people.
Making the other sleep on the couch definitely can be totally fine. It just depends if you fucked up badly or not.

EulenWatcher · 2024-11-19T18:36:54+00:00

You can tell your partner you're uncomfortable with something they're doing and that you wish they didn't do it. You cannot force them to do so, and if they disagree with doing something you want them to do, you can either take it or leave them.

chalkandapples · 2024-11-19T19:30:22+00:00

A partner shouldn't feel like they can control or have the right to punish their partner for behavior. Your partner is not your child.

At the same time, it's normal to have opinions and ideas of how you want your partner to act. And it's normal to be unhappy if they act in a way that is against your lifestyle and values. In a relationship, you need to balance what makes you happy and what makes your partner happy. Ideally what makes you happy should be very similar to what makes your partner happy. If you cannot be happy without forcing your partner to be unhappy and vice versa, you're probably not compatible and will be happier if you break up and find new partners.

Interesting-Cause936 · 2024-11-19T19:38:39+00:00

I’m a woman and I only date men who don’t have social media, because I think it’s insane, but I make it clear from the start. I think that control is an insidious process and what you’re describing can be a red flag.

Zabadoodude · 2024-11-19T20:05:53+00:00

You have the right to have any deal-breaker you want. You can't force your partner to do anything, but you can leave if you're not happy with how your partner behaves.

Expecting people to change is usually a bad idea. People that want a partner that behaves a certain way should find someone that's already like that.

LapazGracie · 2024-11-19T17:44:58+00:00

Does one partner have the right to tell another partner that they cannot have social media?

I'd say no. That seems way too controlling.

Can they tell you who you can hang out with and when?

To some degree yes. For example if your girl is "best friends" with her ex boyfriend or some shit. You can raise a fuss about that. So it depends on the context

When you have a disagreement they make you sleep on the couch to punish you

That's pretty normal in some relationships. A cause for concern in others. Not the best answer I know but really depends on everything else.

harmonica2 · 2024-11-19T19:08:07+00:00

Me and my gf are forced to use social media for work so that would be a no-go.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-11-19T21:10:53+00:00

Why is this up to anybody?But the couple themselves

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2024-11-19T21:35:23+00:00

As always, there is nuance.

You are free to only date people who don’t have social media. But forcing someone to get rid of social media is controlling. Most people have it. And if you don’t trust what your partner is doing online then you shouldn’t be with that person. Same as if they lie and say they don’t have social media, but you find out they do, or if you find out they were doing unscrupulous things online. You just leave. You can’t force someone to do anything. They either respect you or they don’t.

Who to hang out with and when is another nuanced one. My partner has lots of a female friends, some very beautiful. And I have never had a problem. But one day, one was a problem. She rubbed me the wrong way, was super disrespectful towards me, too touchy feely towards my partner, loved using the excuse that “he’s just like a brother to me, I’ve known him forever!” I told my partner I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who prioritized a relationship with another woman that made me feel so uncomfortable. He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, he is a grown man. But that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it. He reduced his interactions with the friend because he prioritized me. He didn’t have to, I could have left, he could have disrespected me, he could have lied. But because he respects me and knows that I typically get along with everyone, he knew this one was actually a problem. On the other hand, if someone is controlling every single friend you hang out with, eliminating your social circle, won’t let you go anywhere without them, I see that as a red flag. I used to get sad when my partner left to hang out with his friends. But that is my feeling and my emotion to handle. Not his. I was allowed to be sad. What I wasn’t going to do was make that his problem. Or make him feel guilty for leaving the house and having a life. And on the other other hand, if he was constantly prioritizing his friends over quality time with me, I can’t be with someone who wants to be out all of the time. I want someone who is as much of a homebody as I am. I won’t control him, but I won’t be with someone where I don’t feel prioritized. I won’t change his behavior, I vet for someone compatible with my desires.

I have never made my partner sleep on the couch. I’ll sleep next to him mad as hell or sleep in the guest room myself. I have locked him out of the room while I took a nap during the day, and he just unlocked it when he needed something and locked it on the way out. It was more about alone time and him respecting it, so I could calm down and we could discuss when things weren’t so heated. I nap, he plays video games. It works well. Again - vet for someone who respects you. Someone who forces you to sleep on the couch, is disrespectful. The only time I see that being a viable option is when maybe you cheated and you’re in the middle of a divorce. The person who didn’t cheat should get the bed. You broke down the marriage, you suffer. But besides that - no. And if it did happen, a day I make my partner sleep on the couch. it would be something marriage ending.

Controlling is controlling. But of course nuance exists across everything. There really aren’t any hard and fast rules. Speak with friends and family about your relationship dynamics. I know the men here love to knock women who “yas girl” each other all of the time- but gossip keeps a community healthy. It’s how women explore what is and isn’t healthy in a relationship. It’s how we find out that thing we thought was normal but felt really bad - isn’t actually normal and it’s a huge red flag. Speak to your circle!

CatallaxyRanch · 2024-11-19T21:54:39+00:00

Anyone has the right to make any request they want, and anyone has the right to walk away from someone making unreasonable requests (and I think most people would consider these requests unreasonable)

Generally, I think most people who value their relationship and respect their partner will self-police in certain respects. "No social media of any sort" is too far, but I think most people intuitively know that DMing and flirting with members of the opposite sex would be disrespectful. Getting approval for everywhere you go and everyone you hang out with isn't reasonable, but most people know which venues and friendships are appropriate for someone in a serious relationship and which cross a line, etc.

mashedturnip · 2024-11-19T18:04:14+00:00

Controlling behavior is inherently abusive, unless the person is mentally unable to make decisions for themselves — ie, underage, demented, addicted, psychotic, intoxicated, disabled or coerced

I would take a steps to leave if I were you, OP

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Present-Afternoon-70 · 2024-11-19T17:57:54+00:00

This is stupid simple, your partner can have any criteria for a relationship and you can reject any criteria. You need to just be open about what you want, what you need, and what you are willing to compromise or deal with. Half the issues in gender is neither side ever listens.

banthaaaa · 2024-11-19T17:59:39+00:00

As long as you aren't using coercion or force, you can have whatever weird boundaries you like. However be prepared for them to leave you

p_fulga · 2024-11-19T18:29:04+00:00

I mean. Anyone like that I wouldn't even make it far into a relationship with. They'd be dropped at the first sign of behaviour like that. People like that always escalate, control to isolate and then control everything else while sprinkling in some emotional abuse.

ThatBitchA · 2024-11-19T18:29:23+00:00

When you have a disagreement they make you sleep on the couch to punish you.

Any relationship that someone does things to punish the other is unhealthy.

It's very controlling. I wouldn't even go on 2nd date with someone controlling or acting like OP described.

Ick. I'd rather stay single than date some insecure controlling moron.

Inevitable-Kale-4292 · 2024-11-19T18:39:19+00:00

They can't tell you you can't have social media, that is controlling, but there could be a reasonable discussion around usage that you are both comfortable with i.e no flirting with your preferred gender on there or liking half naked pics maybe.

Similarly with who to hang out with and when. Is there a reason they dislike or don't trust one person? Or is it a blanket can't hang out with anyone? Again it's really about what you both agree to. My partner and I are both friends with exes - speak, maybe have a coffee, hang out in group situations but wouldn't say go for dinner/drinks with them just one on one. For some other people that wouldn't be okay.

Nobody should kick you out of your own bed. If you have a disagreement and one of you wants space then they go to the couch to cool off imo.

Judging by your previous posts, I think you should probably leave this relationship and find someone who aligns better with you.

Bikerbats · 2024-11-19T19:28:56+00:00

Nah, you have to nip controlling people in the bud, or it will get out of hand. My wife has a good friend who walks all over her husband, and continually gives my wife bad advice that she ignores. For example, she recently told her, "If he were my husband, I'd MAKE him wear a wedding ring." which obviously I do not wear. That's what a controlling mind will spiral to if left unchecked.

Xeltar · 2024-11-19T19:37:58+00:00

I would not tolerate this at all and would think less of a person who would want to do those things. Everyone should have higher standards then to accept any of this. Especially trying to get me to stop seeing friends for them would be a major red flag because it implies they want to isolate me and get me more dependent on him.

Direct-Alternative70 · 2024-11-19T19:44:00+00:00

It depends on your personal wants. “Too controlling” is an opinion.

Some people like that others hate it.

For me my SO controls almost every aspect of my life and I let him. It’s my personal relationship dynamic and it works. I don’t think it’s too controlling while others 100% would.

HappyCat79 · 2024-11-19T19:59:45+00:00

That is controlling and not Ok. Red flags allllll over the place.

angelbaby933 · 2024-11-19T20:12:43+00:00

Being single would be so much better than dealing with all that

Gillionaire25 · 2024-11-19T20:22:35+00:00

Does one partner have the right to tell another partner that they cannot have social media? Can they tell you who you can hang out with and when.

A partner can say anything but the other partner can ultimately do what they want or choose to comply. If you don't like what happens, leave.

When you have a disagreement they make you sleep on the couch to punish you. Is this part of a healthy relationship or a serious red flag?

A person can sleep anywhere they want but they can't force another person to sleep in a specific place.

How controlling is too controlling?

Asking is fine but what they do to enforce it is what determines whether they are controlling. If they try to inflict abuse on someone else for enjoying their basic freedoms and rights, that's too controlling.

flipsidetroll · 2024-11-19T20:23:53+00:00

Every situation is different. To an addict, telling them they can’t hang out with certain people could seem controlling, but not in the context of those people also being addicts. So it depends on who’s telling the story about the control. It’s not simply black and white. And if someone is shady and using social media for cheating etc, then telling them they can’t, will only drive them to hide their tracks better and in other ways.

I think partners should be able to express if they are uncomfortable with certain situations. But trying to control bad behaviours out of the relationship will never work. Someone with different morals to you will not adhere to whatever rules you want to set. So, no, I think controlling people is not going to make a healthy relationship.

Routine-Present-3676 · 2024-11-19T21:32:22+00:00

Every bit of that is beyond what I would be willing to tolerate

S0yslut · 2024-11-19T22:37:54+00:00

Yes not being “allowed” to have social media is controlling. Being made to sleep on the couch instead of resolving the issue is immature. My husband has not slept on the couch once in 7 years. We always resolve our issues before bed. If I was really that upset I wouldn’t ask him to leave his own bed that he paid for that’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t consider sleeping separately unless we had an upcoming divorce. Those are all red flags.

bluestjuice · 2024-11-19T23:03:22+00:00

Yeah, all of that is more controlling than I would tolerate in a relationship.

The sleeping on the couch thing in particular annoys the hell out of me. I have occasionally removed myself to another location if I was too mad to tolerate lying awake in bed stewing next to the person I was mad at, but in my opinion the person who wants to sleep alone should go. Nobody should be kicked out of their own bed.

LawfulnessBorn76 · 2024-11-19T23:07:56+00:00

I think it’s fine. My boyfriend doesn’t want me to be friends with other men and I wouldn’t want him to be friends with other women so we don’t and we do whatever it takes to make eachother feel secure so we’re happy. We care more about eachother than ourselves. But I don’t believe you should punish your partner about anything just talk things out.

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-11-19T23:20:55+00:00

You enforce this stuff BEFORE you get into any kind of committed relationship. Keep it simple.

n8late · 2024-11-20T01:59:49+00:00

You have the right to leave, and you should.

Mentathiel · 2024-11-20T02:04:09+00:00

Does one partner have the right to tell another partner that they cannot have social media?

Only if you agreed to it when you were entering the relationship and it's both-side. Maybe if they forgave your cheating as a part of the condition to rebuild trust. But either way, I don't think it's good/healthy, personally I would treat it as a huge red flag regardless of circumstances.

Can they tell you who you can hang out with and when.

Who - a lot of monogamous couples have some boundaries regarding 1on1 hangouts with others, but not everyone does. I wouldn't say it's too abnormal. I think being against everyone of the opposite sex is too stringent, you should be able to hang out with your friends. But hanging out with a guy you just met at a bar or always grabbing dinner with your new coworker instead of home with partner? A lot of people would start getting uncomfortable. I guess monogamy is inherently a bit controlling and the degree to which that's acceptable varies, you should talk to your partner to make sure you match.

When - Unless you had prior plans to hang out with them or handle chores for a household or smth you have together, I don't think it's any of your partner's business when you hang out with ppl.

When you have a disagreement they make you sleep on the couch to punish you.

Unacceptable. In general, being so mad you have to physically get away from your partner seems like a huge sign that your relationship is falling apart. But even then, if you're the one uncomfortable, you should go and take the couch and not make the other person do so imo. It's not a good sign for the relationship, but at least it would be a more fair way of approaching it. It can be healthy if the circumstances are bad to take some space, but you don't do that by forcing your partner out.

Imo any form of punishment is unhealthy in a relationship. You're allowed to take space and set boundaries, like needing some time to yourself, not wanting to talk about a topic you're not ready to talk about, going out and doing whatever you want in general. But the key is that you do something because you want to do the thing, not because you want to hurt your partner. So if you need some space to process an argument, that's okay. But you take the couch yourself, or go sleep at a family member's or friend's place, or ask your half of the bed to not be disturbed, whatever.

Ok-Pineapple-3878 · 2024-11-20T03:03:55+00:00

These behaviors are major red flags and indicate a serious lack of respect for personal boundaries and autonomy, which are crucial in a healthy relationship. A partner should never have the right to control your social media use, dictate who you hang out with, or use punishment (like making you sleep on the couch) to manipulate or assert control. Healthy relationships are built on trust, communication, and mutual respect, not on controlling behavior or exerting power over one another. If you're feeling controlled or manipulated, it's important to reflect on the dynamic and consider whether the relationship is truly supportive and healthy for you.

SayuriKitsune · 2024-11-20T11:43:24+00:00

you shouldnt be in need of controlling anyone, at all

tHiShiTiStooPID · 2024-11-20T12:08:00+00:00

Someone telling you what you will do is controlling. Someone telling you what they will do if you do X is them setting a boundary.

Feisty-Saturn · 2024-11-20T13:16:56+00:00

I think something important to distinguish is, does your partner do something that they are asking you not to do. He doesn’t want you to have instagram but he has it. You can’t hang out with people of the opposite gender but he does it. That’s all control in my opinion.

Even then, If you’re being asking to do something and you don’t want to then you can leave. Too many people waste time with someone trying to force a relationship that has clear incompatibility.

csdx · 2024-11-20T15:39:07+00:00

Obviously you have the right to act autonomously. But you also have the ability to waive those rights. In order to create said social media account, the user agreement has you forfeit several of your rights in order to participate. Similarly if you wish to be in a relationship with someone you may have to give up other rights as well, and the agreements of both are subject to change over time. Ultimately they can only take how much control are you willing to give.

TumbleweedFlat7058 · 2024-11-21T12:54:53+00:00

This is called abuse

throwRA-lifeadvice · 2024-11-21T19:51:00+00:00

You shouldn't try to make your partner do something, you should communicate with each other and come to an agreement.

AcephalicDude · 2024-11-19T17:52:30+00:00

What you are doing is this very immature thing that I see a lot of people do when they are new to relationships, which is interpret your partner's assertion of boundaries, standards, approval / disapproval, etc. as some kind of authoritarian attempt to "control" you.

The reality is that when you are in a committed relationship, the normal things that you would do as an individual now effect your partner and you need to constantly take that into account. That's not "controlling" that's just what happens when you share a significant portion of your life with someone. If you want independence, you're free to leave the relationship and do whatever the fuck you want. But you can't have that independence and have a committed relationship at the same time, that just doesn't make sense.

throwaway164_3 · 2024-11-19T19:53:36+00:00

Controlling is bad, but women unfortunately put up with such men cause they’re really hot and the sex is usually good

She really should have self respect and walk away and drop his sorry ass.

jay_de-leon · 2024-11-19T18:20:33+00:00

A married woman should not be on social media in provocative attire looking for likes and attention from other men and no real man would allow that.

Only a low quality woman would disrespect her husband in a such a way and then gaslight him and says he “controlling” if he tries to put a stop to it.

Title	Controlling partner
Author	RoblesTyler1988
Upvotes	4
Comments	81
Date	November 19, 2024 5:41 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1gv2zvl/controlling_partner/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/controlling-partner.1536253 https://theredarchive.com/post/1536253

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