What does being "sexually assertive" even look like?

Ohyarlysmiles · 2022-08-29T17:23:49+00:00

Lol start hitting on a woman you like near immediately. Don't waste time. Get the information: is she interested or not.

But if rejected, back off immediately.

wtknight · 2022-08-29T14:45:32+00:00

I think just being flirty is all that is needed just so she knows that the guy wants to be more than friends. This shouldn’t be done in a setting where sexual harassment charges could be a problem, though.

Yupperdoodledoo · 2022-08-29T17:53:25+00:00

It sounds like you don’t know how to be subtly sexual/sensual and flirty. There is a lot between platonic talk and "sexually charged comments," and between not touching and grabbing her waist. Even if she wants to have sex with you a lack of sensuality and slow build will be a turn-off.

luliloo · 2022-08-29T14:59:49+00:00

Create sexual tension with flirting would be the first step.

Coolio_Street_Racer · 2022-08-29T14:59:45+00:00

Women will give you signals. Being assertive is making moves on those signals confidently.

Making moves without signals is called being creepy.

NockerJoe · 2022-08-29T15:06:20+00:00

IME the issue is most men with this issue are waiting for women to give a big, obvious green light before they make the decisive move towards getting sexual. Reddit will also talk about this as the right play. But a lot of women don't really work like that. They just kind of go along with a scenario where you make the big move as a shot in the dark and half the time their body language isn't super obvious and any signals they give aren't terribly strong. They can do that, but IME by the time a woman gives that kind of signal there's usually been like half a dozen scenarios where they expected you to just do it proactivley before that point, and theres usually annoyance or frustration at them having to do what they expected you to(with zero self awareness to this every time its happened to me).

Which is just what it boils down to. If you're alone with a woman you've been dating or hanging out with for a bit your best bet is to always just escalate and get physical and let the chips fall where they may.

Obviously a lot of women will complain that they weren't ready or didn't see the dude that way when it goes wrong but honestly thats their problem. There's zero cultural push for women to give clearer green lights compared to expecting men to just kind of make it work. If the whole weight of performance here is essentially on the man you can't get mad at a misfire.

2022-08-29T16:03:33+00:00

Username checks out.

Does this mean a man should start hitting on a woman within a days of knowing her?

Yes

Does being "sexually assertive" mean I make sexually-charged comments around her as a reminder that I wanna smash?

No

Does "sexually assertive" mean I take the freedom to grab their waist and squeeze it during banter to test whether she'll be receptive for something more?

No

How can one be "sexually assertive" in a time where "active affirmative enthusiastic verbal consent" is painted as a prerequisite to everything?

Flirt with words, eye contact, and body language first before flirting with touch. Read her signals to see how it's received before escalating to touch.

sarkington · 2022-08-29T15:02:17+00:00

Here’s what worked on me, after having hung out in a group for months:

“Wanna go out sometime ?” “Are you looking for a boyfriend?”

Whoa! So alpha

svt765 · 2022-08-29T15:00:45+00:00

Hm I admit it's really difficult for a guy to be flirty just right and not creepy/too much... At first/second date, I would mostly try to turn innocent things into sexually charged innocent things.

For example hugging: A guy I'm currently seeing hasn't even kissed me yet but when we hug... Jesus 😌 He's very aware of my breasts and I'm very aware that he's taller/more muscular than me, I know that he knows, he knows that I know. And he's not touching my breasts/ass, cause that's what it would make it creepy.

Or holding hands. Or when you're crossing the street, you can kinda hold her around waist and "oh watch that car". Compliments are great ("you look nice today"/"that dress really suits you"/"your makeup looks great" etc.)

On the third/fourth date you should be able to tell, whether she's into you or not and can proceed further.

KirthWGersen · 2022-08-29T14:54:13+00:00

"Active affirmative enthusiastic verbal consent" is not a requirement anywhere I have ever lived. Consent can be given without verbal expression, and usually is.

You do sound very confused about how to express sexual interest. My advice is if in doubt, don't.

If you are with a woman and you are unsure if she wants you to touch her, touch her hand or her arm between her elbow and shoulder first. If she doesn't react warmly to your touch, leave her alone.

Nihi1986 · 2022-08-29T22:16:26+00:00

It probably means having the initiative.

From my personal experience if you like a girl and she likes you, you try to have the initiative and yes, that implies maybe kissing her or touching her in some ways, and while I have seen it working on girls who weren't particularly interested I wouldn't recommend doing it unless you know she's clearly interested. And don't worry, if she's interested you will know it, it's always very clear.

Snivelingincel · 2022-08-29T15:21:27+00:00

Dont worry about being sexually assertive. If you are not attractive and dont have women actively flirting with you at bars or at least seeming interested you're just going to be creepy. Do not be sexually assertive, dont buy drinks, stop approaching, and just go out to have fun with your friends. Look for choosing signals and ignore women who dont seem receptive or like they are kinda looking your way, that is going to work for you far better. The best game is no game sir. It takes awhile to build the sense you're being checked out but as long as you dont care and have fun it wont matter.

Now definitely be confident and be someone others wanna be around. You do that by having fun and getting all your internal/external shit together.

Women are flooded with attention on social media and in real life to the point of being numb to whatever tricks you wanna google. It only works if they're drunk and or you're attractive. You dont have to convey that you're ignoring them, just have fun, stay in shape, build your confidence/aura/finances and live life out there.

This is basically my go to cartoon depiction of most RP situations being explained in one 20 second scene... dont be the simp at the end... these are the guys that get foodie called, pay for drinks, chase girls, feed their egos on apps, get the head pats/friendzone stiff arms...

https://youtu.be/r637U2doduU

toasterchild · 2022-08-29T15:38:57+00:00

Flirt immediately. If you go on a date them go for a kiss at the end... always. If you want verbal consent (which is nice) instead of asking "can i kiss you" maybe try "i really want to kiss you, are you ok with that? ". Keep up the flirting and don't be afraid to be sexual about the relationship once you get to dating.

Snivelingincel · 2022-08-29T19:34:04+00:00

Pick up artists answered this question ages ago. If you know game you will know when to be assertive because you will be aware of the signs a girl is receptive to you. Being sexually assertive is inherently risky because you are the one making the moves and therefore are the only one who can overstep boundaries. When learning to be sexually assertive you will on occasion overstep boundaries but that’s the point of learning game, so you can handle or the situation or avoid it entirely. Trying to explain how to be sexually assertive in one post is not possible because it is a complex process. however if you actually want your question answered, look into pick up artists because they are the only ones who have spent any time actually diving into the topic.

There is a process to escalating sexually. The advice that you get from Reddit will be insufficient.

todo_pasa_ · 2022-08-29T17:19:58+00:00

When even playful touching requires foregoing "consent". Even when a woman is all giggly there is no way to tell in advance whether you making a pass at her will be welcomed or she'll freak out because she thought you were "just friends".

This paragraph right here is the opposite of being assertive.

I think the difference between then and now is that women now tell you to your face "stop doing this you are making me uncomfortable". In the past they would just smile and give you a fake number. So it's the same. Being too careful about consent means you don't understand what the issue really is.

Like that comedian what you are looking for is enthusiastic consent, That way you'll never get confused.

It all comes down to "read the room". Social skills are sexy

AssistTemporary8422 · 2022-08-29T23:50:13+00:00

Does this mean a man should start hitting on a woman within a days of knowing her?

Sometimes yes, but you don't have to do it that quickly. But don't around too long before making a move.

Does being "sexually assertive" mean I make sexually-charged comments around her as a reminder that I wanna smash?

Its about making sexually or romantically suggestive comments and doing this with social calibration so you don't get pepper sprayed.

Does "sexually assertive" mean I take the freedom to grab their waist and squeeze it during banter to test whether she'll be receptive for something more?

Please don't do that with random women. Its better to touch her arm or back but be socially calibrated and read body language.

where "active affirmative enthusiastic verbal consent" is painted as a prerequisite to everything?

You know most people don't actually interpret consent this strictly in practice right? Twitter isn't real life.

Even when a woman is all giggly there is no way to tell in advance whether you making a pass at her will be welcomed or she'll freak out because she thought you were "just friends".

You will have to be really attractive, good at reading body language or social calibration to do with women at social events. Maybe start with doing that on dates, like giving her a kiss at the end.

k_aevitas · 2022-08-30T01:29:25+00:00

To be honest this is something that is quite difficult to explain because sexually assertiveness is something I simply just SENSED someone having or they just don't. It's not even something they are consciously doing or not doing, it's an energy thing that I can't properly explain. Although sexual assertiveness can come across as borderline being creepy, absurd and over the top obvious, it doesn't always have to be. Most of this is ingrained into the biological personality of that person which is emitted from them through very very subtle verbal/physical cues that most of us won't consciously always notice. A lot of it ultimately is to do with just having confidence and a subtle controlled air of showing the mentality of 'Regardless of what you think, I accept the consequences of making it known I am turned on by you'

I can instantly tell when a man has it, potential or otherwise or when a man is passive, timid and doesn't have it in him. The same goes for women believe it or not.

This is why sexually assertive women who make it known they are sexually available don't have to flaunt or literally say or even do anything outlandish to catch the attention of men.

I'll give you some examples of what I'm talking about:

I've known two diff women. One is beautiful introvert while the other is very much plain Jane bubbly extrovert if not below average without makeup and doing herself up. However the plain Jane gets way WAY more attention while the beautiful one doesn't. Through a series of body language and a combination of their personality traits, men can instantly pick up who is more sexually available and forward. The introvert beautiful girl while guys can tell she's beautiful, isn't really interested and at the age of 27 she had never had a boyfriend before and didn't really understand why nobody approached her. She had little to no sex life and couldn't flirt or have sex appeal to save her life even with her beauty. She didn't have what it takes to truly draw men in like the plain Jane bubble girl did. Some may say well it's because they are intimidated by beauty and not necessarily actually because it's all about energy, how open you seem, how sexually charged/energetic and open you are.

Other example are two men I've met. Both of them were tall, fit and quite good looking. Neither of them had the highest confidence but while one could hide it the other one made it quite obvious. He'd wail and put his hands infront of his face to hide from cameras because he was so self conscious about how he looked and hated how he looked. He'd hide his body even when it looked really good away from view saying it doesn't look good enough and he was extremely shy and struggled to even make any sexual advances in general to women, he'd hide if a woman even tried. The other one while self conscious about how he looked, didn't make it ultra obvious in the same way. He was honest about it but didn't shy away from the camera or from being sexually approached and was direct about what he liked in bed and what he didn't. He also had very strong boundaries and put his own sexual needs first and made it known what he wanted and didn't. He never shyed away from women and made it known if he liked her or not.

I would say this is the difference of having sexual assertiveness and not having it.

Single_gay_mom · 2022-08-30T10:05:14+00:00

Does being "sexually assertive" mean I make sexually-charged comments around her as a reminder that I wanna smash? Does "sexually assertive" mean I take the freedom to grab their waist and squeeze it during banter to test whether she'll be receptive for something more?

No, definitely not. Being "sexually assertive" (although I believe "romantically assertive" is more fitting) is not grabbing her waist and making sex jokes. Especially not from the get-go. A lot of it is in body language, a lot is literally just how you look at the person. Once you get to know them a bit better you may be able to slip in remarks, small things.

Now, that is mainly if you are interested in a romantic relationship, and in case that isn't your cup of tea, then just talk to them for a little while, be a little flirty, and then invite them home. If they go, they are 99% DTF, if they don't... you got your answer.

2022-08-30T10:20:39+00:00

This is why alcohol is often used for hooking up. You really shouldn't over think things, and never appear nervous.

jackedsoon · 2022-08-29T17:21:40+00:00

flirty, touchy, escalating quickly

AdvocateFroggy · 2022-08-29T18:54:43+00:00

It looks like someone who is 6 foot and up, with chiseled features and being born with an excess of charisma. Oh, and a fat wallet.

Ok_Nefariousness8796 · 2022-08-29T19:49:09+00:00

Everyone here saying to create sexual tension as step one are missing the point. In todays dating landscape even flirting or “creating sexual tension” can be seen as harassment if the one initiating is a man and isn’t attractive enough. The way to go about being “sexually assertive” is state your intentions and boundaries from the get go. If there’s a woman your sexually attracted to and want to court don’t beat around the bush and play games, invite her on a date day 1, conversation 1. To many guys out there get dragged along for days months and years with women who only want them for emotional support and are only doing it at the CHANCE of escaping the friend zone. This starts from the first conversation. When I met my wife I was attracted to her and saw her as a dating option I was highly interested in. First conversation I invited her on a date. She was wavy and told me she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go on a date and she wanted to talk for awhile first and be friends. I told her I’m not interested in being friends, I like you and am attracted to you, if you don’t feel the same way that’s fine. She than agreed to the date and here I am, 5 years married. To make it simple being “sexually assertive” doesn’t mean flirting and creating sexual tension, it’s just setting boundaries for yourself and sticking to them. Mine were if im sexually attracted to someone and were compatible, we can’t be friends, either let me court you or goodbye. This will gain you respect and save a lot of heartache.

Specialist-Action-33 · 2022-08-29T20:25:17+00:00

I believe a man can be sexually assertive when he has the possibility of him befriending a hot girl and not giving af whether or not he can smash or not because he is more focused on his goals. Regardless of whether or not he makes jokes or he gets a hug from her, he has the ability to reject the opportunity she gives him to smash and cut her off without any loss to him, even if hes going through a dry spell. Most of the men like this already have experience, so pussy is nothing to them and they have an abundance mindset.

Electrical-Elk9058 · 2022-08-29T15:08:03+00:00

I feel like 80% of the posts directed towards the redpill, including this one, show a lack of understanding (or misunderstanding) of it and could be answered with "go to the TRP/asktrp sub and read the sidebar"

Capable-Resolve-2001 · 2022-08-29T20:07:07+00:00

It depends. The difference between flirty and creepy is determined by the woman’s subjective experience of the event, not so much about objective, observable behavior. I saw a study once that showed that women perceive behaviors differently depending on how attractive a man is. Attractive men were perceived as confident, sexy, and flirtatious for the exact same behaviors that got unattractive men perceived as creepy. The behavior wasn’t variable, women’s subjective experience of the behavior was variable.

I always say it’s important for men to find out where they stand in the great hierarchy of men and act accordingly. Short or average looking? Approaching women and acting suave and confident is going to get you in trouble. Try to meet women in a social circle. Act your part.

Edit: Not the study I remember, but this is similar: https://scholar.utc.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1052&context=mps

Booexgirlfriend · 2022-08-29T16:35:34+00:00

Don't have a proper answer but.

I think women answering this question should keep in mind "what's the situation here".

Even when a woman is all giggly there is no way to tell in advancewhether you making a pass at her will be welcomed or she'll freak outbecause she thought you were "just friends".

If he's on a date (YES) or if he's talking about a friend or even a co-worker (HOLD UP).

This is not "what works for me", this is "what works in general".

Hair flirting sound not only old but anecdotal.

There's a guy in my friends group who's very funny and I laugh a lot at his jokes, that doesn't mean I want to go out with him sometime or have sex with him.

The "truth" is, it depends on us more than on men.

The secret is to be comfortable with women, sex in general and flirting.

You can always ask, instead of playing games, say what's on your mind in a "right now?", positve way. I know, because I'm very direct but I'm just (one) a woman so...

AlejandroVillegas · 2022-08-29T20:51:35+00:00

Doesn't matter, just clock them then you're good /s

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neetykeeno · 2022-08-30T07:22:27+00:00

There's plenty of sources out there that describe the general difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. I can't be arsed paraphrasing them for the folks who have the 'sperg and don't pick this shit up naturally. I mean seriously most people just know... anyone who doesn't just know needs to use a search engine and do a bit of reading. It really is a basic social concept, the time will be well spent.

A little tinkering is necessary to adapt general recommendations about assertiveness to the mate seeking environment. But if you, as I suspect, are not fully down with the difference between the two you need to start from the point of knowing the difference.

TryLambda · 2022-08-30T12:24:50+00:00

Andrew Tate?

Title	What does being "sexually assertive" even look like?
Author	Johnny_Autism
Upvotes	74
Comments	237
Date	August 29, 2022 2:41 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/x0qh5h/what_does_being_sexually_assertive_even_look_like/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-does-being-sexually-assertive-even-look-like.1130862 https://theredarchive.com/post/1130862

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