Why do some guys (like me) think that girls will like them if they are NICE?

Ambitious-Ice2357 · 2022-05-04T10:16:57+00:00

Stop caring what women think about you and live your life for you. Be yourself and own it.

WhiteningMcClean · 2022-05-04T09:57:32+00:00

I totally get where you're coming from. I used to be the same way and still do catch myself defaulting to "nice" mode at times. I find that the more people you meet and the more social experiences you have, the less you feel a constant need to be nice. Pure niceness screams desperation, as well as a lack of enough self-respect to consider your own wants and needs.

The most important thing is to never be afraid to express your desires, or lack thereof. If you want something, let it be known. If you don't want something, tell them you don't. If you don't agree with something, tell them you don't.

Not to say you should be unwilling to compromise, or act like a demanding little child. Just let your true feelings be known in a reasonable manner.

CompetitionFair7686 · 2022-05-04T11:50:55+00:00

Because you confuse being nice with being a doormat that seeks other people’s approval.

Since you are afraid of rejection and seek approval of others, you act nice because hopefully that will get you the approval that you seek.

Being yourself has risks in the sense that not everyone likes someone’s true self. Being yourself means you sacrifice being liked by everyone, and instead opt to being like by a very small amount of people.

However your brain thinks that everyone likes “nice”, so your brain makes you think that by acting nice you have a higher chance of being approved by everyone, and be happier, whereas being your true self has a lower chance of being approved by everyone which can make you sad.

Your brain then starts to strip down any trait of your personality that could be a turn off for others:

Maybe you once said a joke and people didn’t laugh, so your brain says “ok no jokes, people don’t like my jokes”
Maybe you once started an argument and people didn’t like your opinion, so your brain is like: “Ok don’t try give your opinions because that could make them angry, just agree with them”
Maybe you once try to do some plan and other people found that plan boring and then didn’t wanna do anything with you anymore, so your brain is like: “ok, just let others choose the plan and adapt to what they want to do, that way they’ll be happy and will spend time with you”

So you end up being a doormat, (aka a people’s pleaser) because you want to be liked by everyone… But no one really likes a doormat, they just kinda tolerate him.

In order to be like by some, you have to be disliked by others, you can’t try to be everyone’s favourite dish.

You need to accept that life isn’t about being approved by everyone you meet, it’s more about being approved by the right people that you connect with, even if it’s just a small amount of people.

In other words don’t try to fit in with everyone just because you want friends and companionship.

EnvironmentalRule525 · 2022-05-04T13:02:51+00:00

Be NICE with some SPICE. I joke around/tease my GF a lot and she loves it. I do not bend or fold on topics/issues I feel strongly about. I’m nice as hell to her as long as she is cool to me. If she is acting bitchy for no reason she gets the cold shoulder for a couple days.

Being nice isn’t the problem. It’s being a pushover or an over-eager child trying to appease a woman by any means necessary that gets you in trouble.

videogames_ · 2022-05-04T10:55:15+00:00

Friendship and attraction are very different skillsets.

excentrik-art · 2022-05-04T09:35:41+00:00

Because with new people you give a shit. With people you already know you dont give a shit.

As I always say - Shit is something I dont give.

Iistendipshit · 2022-05-04T10:57:38+00:00

Don't confuse being nice with being a blend, needy pushover and not being nice with having a strong character.

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-05-04T10:24:16+00:00

Social conditioning and deep issues with self esteem. Most guys who are Nice Guys and who have trouble with women believe they are worthless subhuman scum unfit for female company and that if a woman was to get a glimpse at the real man behind the facade, they would reject them.

Khower · 2022-05-04T14:09:52+00:00

I’m described as a really nice guy and I do get a lot of girls. But I think the difference here being I’m nice because I’m nice. Not because I’m expecting anything. It’s the letting go of expectations that will allow you the freedom to both be yourself and make the connections you want.

Your issue and many guys issue is they are nice because they think it will get them something, and there’s a sense of expectation that women will pick up on.

Being nice does not get you laid, you should be nice because being kind is the right way to live. It’s the bottom level of expectation for society, not some high standard that grants you all the pussy in the world.

FatDaddyMushroom · 2022-05-04T12:49:25+00:00

I generally think most guys don't know what to do. For example, being nice is effective in many social situations. I was always super nice in high school. While I wasn't popular, I generally well liked and people treated me well.

Now when it came to women I would follow that same logic. I think everyone is different, but when I was crushing on a girl, I just could not think straight. I was too nice, too accommodating, not being myself.

Afterward I would realize I was way off the mark. But to a degree I feel like I conditioned myself to act like that. Or it just happened that way.

I noticed I had more luck with women when I really wasn't trying to flirt or go out of my way to be nice.

Even though I rationally knew this, I still had to work hard to stop. Hell I still have to catch myself today on occasion. I met this girl that I just went absolutely stupid for. I had to mentally yell at me to act normal lol.

However, I have heard stories from different guys. Being the nice guy, being a bad boy. Being this way or that way.

In my experience, you can be anything and get laid. You have to find a woman interested in that persona. And being sexually attractive makes a big difference.

Live-Ad-6309 · 2022-05-04T13:02:56+00:00

Because your mom and sister told you that's how it works. Then sitcoms confirmed that belief.

Woujo · 2022-05-04T11:51:01+00:00

Here is why (this is a passage from my book I am writing):

What is it about women that makes men so anxious, even extremely high-value men? The answer is simple: When a man really wants a woman, he subconsciously sees her as the alpha of the tribe.

As I noted earlier, humans evolved to view human relationships in terms of tribes, and we subconsciously view the resources of the tribe as being controlled by the “alpha.” Therefore, when a single person has or controls something we really, really want, we subconsciously see them as alpha, which causes us to feel anxious around them. Humans evolved to want to make the alpha happy, so we do whatever we do think they want us to do and refrain from doing anything that might offend or upset them. But humans cannot read other’s minds, so we have no idea what the “alpha” wants us to do, so end up just freezing and not doing anything interesting, fun, or transgressive.

To make matters worse, when you view a woman as the “alpha,” you subconsciously view rejection by her as rejection from the tribe in general, which compounds your anxiety. You subconsciously feel that, not only are you getting rejected by this one lady (which you can probably live with), you are actually getting rejected by the entire tribe so you will be humiliated, hated, and left in the jungle alone to die. I know that sounds crazy, but that is literally what is going on in your brain when you see a beautiful woman and you feel anxiety. When I discuss approach anxiety with my clients, many of them are not even afraid of what the woman thinks, but of what random people in the bar or club think. Obviously, that is completely irrational – why would you give a shit what a random guy thought of you? It is because you view the woman as the “alpha” whose rejection will “teach” everybody that you suck and should be outcast.

RedditorCabron · 2022-05-04T16:39:44+00:00

Learn to tell beautiful women "NO". A simple NO without explanation or justification has been a hot knife through butter at the ego of hot woman who is actively using her sex apple to get what she wants. It doesn't imply being mean. I would not condone malice. But i do condone the cultivation of a self esteem that allows you to not be swayed by a pretty smile and a nice set of tits.

filomenaFirulais · 2022-05-04T11:57:38+00:00

Being a ‘good guy’ is not a bad thing, you can show other sides of yourself as you get to know the person

Ducharbaine · 2022-05-04T13:20:59+00:00

We are taught that very explicitly and directly when we are kids. Be nice so people will like you. All the media we grow up on has this nice guy narrative

Axelyager · 2022-05-04T13:45:25+00:00

Years and years of social programming via the media

fonduchicken12 · 2022-05-04T14:57:44+00:00

The problem is that when people talk about being "nice" what they typically mean is doing things for girls and then expecting that the girl will now owe them sex. This isn't actually nice. If you give someone a gift but expect something in return (something that they don't want to give, that you're manipulating them into giving) then I don't think that's nice at all. I think it's pretty shitty. If you can be an actual nice person and do favours for people and be there for your friends and help those less fortunate than you then I think women will find that attractive. That's just not what "nice guys" actually do.

TH3BUDDHA · 2022-05-04T15:18:43+00:00

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. The whole book is about the psychology of why "nice guys" feel the need to be "nice" to get validation from others, especially women.
It then gives concrete exercises to break this way of thinking.

BudgetInteraction811 · 2022-05-04T16:59:18+00:00

Because being “nice” in this sense probably translates to being perfectly polite all the time, which can come across as fake or boring. If you aren’t comfortable making jokes or being relaxed, no one will feel comfortable doing that with you either.

kathruins · 2022-05-04T17:06:33+00:00

low self esteem? you want to tuck your personality away, so if you get rejected it wasnt your fault; its on the chick for not being interested in a nice guy. even though you probably came off as extremely boring. best thing to do is be yourself. they can take it or leave it and it makes no difference to your value as a person.

FoxySpookyMulder · 2022-05-04T17:08:27+00:00

You answered your question. Being “nice” isn’t enough.

Ficklefuker2022 · 2022-05-04T17:56:47+00:00

Because ppl like nice ppl. 💟 Only time a woman wants a bad boy is in the bedroom thats on point.

Jonathanwennstroem · 2022-05-04T18:27:01+00:00

I just finished reading models by mark manson and I’d genuinely believe it could help you and the way you „act“ and get a deeper understanding

electrisio · 2022-05-04T11:29:41+00:00

I feel like you can be a “good guy” that can tease/build chemistry, and not be an absolute dick.

agileipa · 2022-05-04T13:35:38+00:00

Society and Disney brainwashed us. We were focused on Prince Charming while motorcycle tattoos ass hole was fucking the princess. Btw I am thinking about getting a motorcycle and a tattoo soon

DennisReynoIds · 2022-05-04T13:50:58+00:00

I’m 26 now and am in a long term relationship now but until my late teens I was like this. I’d say the biggest factor was my environment. I was the only boy in my family besides my very not nice dad with multiple older sisters. Growing up they would always just tell me to be nice and girls would like me. Back then I had no concept of don’t listen to women for dating advice. Nowadays, I truly believe not to seek advice for dating women from a woman.

youcheekydelinquent · 2022-05-04T16:30:47+00:00

You will get more girl friends and if I'm honest Women make great friends. They bring you food, they take care of you when you're down they'll host and throw parties for you. They'll find people for you to talk to.

If you want to build INTEREST in someone you have to be worthy of that which means having a fucking life and things that you are passionate about even if they're dumb as fucking all hell.

DeliberatelyInsane · 2022-05-04T12:12:51+00:00

Conditioning

atomant88 · 2022-05-04T09:33:47+00:00

entitlement and ego

Xagabon · 2022-05-04T14:22:36+00:00

Just Don't be dumb nice.. be the Charming one. Also, i don't propose manipulating, you will barely be in the wrong if u were nice all along. It may not seem like so, but you will have control

Thin_Protection5616 · 2022-05-04T09:51:19+00:00

Girls will like you if you're nice.... As a friend.

3SidedDie · 2022-05-04T12:03:18+00:00

Movies, music, literature, yo momma... All of them just keep telling you to be nice and you'll get the girl. And you end up trusting them.

wolvtongue · 2022-05-04T12:33:00+00:00

Nothing in Nature respects nice guys.

2022-05-04T12:44:30+00:00

Its something that men are told from a young age.
Its actually an evolutionary social mechanism. We are a social species, and "being nice" facilitates bonding and has many benefits.

redditor4206903 · 2022-05-04T13:54:12+00:00

Because they will, eventully. Trust me they will. I had a crush on a girl, than I had the balls to talk to her, I was talking to her for about a year, being nice and all. And eventually she became my girlfriend. Just trust the process bro, your intiuition is right brother.

USCGReady · 2022-05-04T13:56:57+00:00

Because we’re all believing the lies that women tell us that they ‘want a nice guy’ and they don’t want a jerk. All lies bro & subconsciously we just can’t shake it because we’ve been lied to all our lives. Harsh reality

truthbomb999 · 2022-05-04T14:50:01+00:00

Why do some guys (like me) think that girls will like them if they are NICE?

Because of tv and mass media pushes this silly concept

IntangibleRedditor · 2022-05-04T15:28:15+00:00

Try being mean?

Demonarke · 2022-05-04T17:13:01+00:00

Dating game is counter-intuitive, it usually asks you to go against your better nature and act like a douchebag.

The reason is that women get complimented all the time, by other men and women, so when you act nice towards them they don't feel anything, but they do feel something if you act like a douche towards them.

Us men we are used to being treated.. Well not necessarily like garbage, but neutrally, we don't get many compliments, and we aren't used to people acting nice towards us, so when they do we remember it for years to come, I'm sure every guy in here remember compliments that they had years ago.

PaperDude68 · 2022-05-04T19:47:50+00:00

The girls dont want you to act like a dick towards them, they just want you to act like you dont care about them when you dont have a reason to yet, cause it comes off as being desperate to sleep with them

SGrosch · 2022-05-04T14:04:57+00:00

Triangular Theory of Love

Google it

Passion Intimacy Commitment

Those are the 3 keys to an awesome relationship.

Nice guy/AFC isn’t on that list.

It’s passion kryptonite.

MK2718 · 2022-05-04T12:15:01+00:00

Some men are afraid to be even slightly disagreeable with women out of fear that they may like them less because of it. The truth is that a little bit of friction in a conversation is a good thing that can lead to attraction. It proves that the man is not simply trying to tell a woman what he thinks she wants to hear.

A woman can detected when a man is just being 'nice' as a way of bartering for her attention, affection, love, approval or sex. In these cases, the man is often hiding his true interests and intentions. A woman needs to believe that a man is speaking honestly with her so that she can accurately use his words to form an opinion about him. A woman wants to feel confident that she knows what she is getting.

By being less 'nice,' I am not suggesting that you should purposely be mean or unkind to another person. You should simply allow any natural friction or tension to occur that may result from you expressing your true thoughts and beliefs.

A man who is willing to stand up for his own ideas, beliefs and values is more attractive than a man who instantly caves on his position at the hint of disagreement.

More on this topic

bandsupjay · 2022-05-04T14:20:07+00:00

Its a belief brother. Question it and question your thinking. Then find evidence on why it doesnt work and being who you are and staying firm your beliefs and values is better.

Amazondriver23 · 2022-05-04T15:01:22+00:00

Bro just be yourself, don’t be an asshole but don’t be a pushover. The real ones will stick around in your life.

bogues04 · 2022-05-04T15:16:02+00:00

It’s a bad habit I used to do the same. You have to change how you view yourself instead ask is this girl good enough for me. Just be who you naturally are with everyone you are comfortable with and stop worrying about if you lose her. If you’re the type of guy that has women around you won’t care if you “lose” one. Just be yourself and not the nice guy and it will pay off.

dobbs1997 · 2022-05-04T16:03:28+00:00

You can be Nice but be REAL, meaning show every part of who you are, & realize that not everyone in this life is gonna like you for who you are & that’s OK that’s how it should be..Be yourself to the extreme & don’t apologize to anybody for it (as long as you’re not hurting anyone obviously) and while doing this you’ll filter out the people who aren’t meant for you and get to the ones who love you for who you are…the more you put on this act the more you’re just doing a disservice to yourself, could even make you feel depressed cause you’re not being you.

Ivabighairy1 · 2022-05-04T16:53:49+00:00

Conditioning

moonfanatic95 · 2022-05-04T17:06:35+00:00

I have the opposite problem 🤣 i treat women way too dry and dismissive.

SpinCity07 · 2022-05-04T17:07:21+00:00

Nothing is given in life. You have to go out and make what is yours. Part of that is defending your made up values from other people who oppose them. Nice doesn’t reveal anything about your values or if you can defend them. She wants to know what’s important to you and if your brave enough to stand up for it. You would do this by standing up to aggression against you and shaming those who go against this. Shame is a dark art. If you’re shaming people, you not being a “nice guy”. Neither would you be if you are being “assertive” with your values. The better you’re able to do this, the more stable your life looks (plus this gives you confidence).

As for subduction, Women get off with their egos. If you outclass other men, they go in believing that they were classy enough to get with this guy among the rest. It also makes her women “friends” jealous of her, giving her ego a boost(dopamine release).

They just want to know you have a dark side that you have developed that your not afraid to use and can use good judgment when doing so. If someone decide to assault you, or dis-respect you, you aren’t going to be shown as a fool(beginner).

There is a lot of scrutiny made by her because when she begins investing in you(believing your right for each other) there is dopamine being released. If you suddenly become this different guy who “tricked” her, it will fuck with that dopamine release making her hate you. So she has to “vet” you with her past experiences. Women have a lot of experience with “nice” because it’s the default mode for men when they have been shamed from society. This triggering shame alerts men to repair relationships when they have been too aggressive. Unfortunately, it’s also then becomes the default mode for men (because they are in pain) who have made a shit life or come from a shit life and are looking for things to make them feel better. They don’t actually want the women at all, just the feelings that they bring of being “one of the guys”.

taybo213 · 2022-05-04T17:12:07+00:00

Being nice is a bare minimum.

Nice is being kind and caring, everyone should be that way to everyone. Not just someone you want to date.

Rejection isn't the worst thing to happen either, yeah it sucks cause someone doesn't feel the same way but in the end you didn't waste any time.

Don't focus on trying to be what women want, be who you want to be and get your confidence up.

Women want someone who yes is kind, but find out who you are, be confident in who you are.

Take care of yourself the way you would want a partner to, that way they can only add to your happiness. Healthy relationships are only as healthy as the people in it.

Acid_In_My_Eyes · 2022-05-04T17:21:03+00:00

Being nice is the most overrated thing in today's world. It literally accomplishes nothing and gets you nowhere.

Kind and nice are absolutely not the same thing IMO. Kind is being thoughtful about someone you care for, being nice is being a doormat to provide something for someone else; even a complete stranger.

kho289 · 2022-05-04T17:31:13+00:00

Being nice is kinda the bare minimum tbh. You can’t skate by on being nice alone, especially because there are guys out there who are funny and nice, or guys who are funny and nice and etc.

BronzeInABush · 2022-05-04T18:03:01+00:00

Treat women the same way you would treat men. If someone rejects you for who you are they are doing you a favor. Why would you want to hang out with someone that doesn't even like you? Go find people more your vibe and dont hide what you truly feel. People will comnect with that and respect you more for it.

fangclan · 2022-05-04T18:05:38+00:00

Try not to let your only characteristic be only nice and display others like funny, charming, witty.

sweetlew3002 · 2022-05-04T18:17:30+00:00

Listen. I know this sounds cliche… Just be yourself. Be a kind person for the sake of being a kind person too. All people like confidence. Just own the good parts of you and work on your qualities that are lacking (this takes some serious self reflection and honesty with yourself)

heartfelt24 · 2022-05-04T18:22:16+00:00

I have gotten dates while being nice. I have gotten dates when I was evil. You have to decide what you want to be... Don't be a pushover, though. That irritates both guys and girls.

BalancedLif3 · 2022-05-04T18:46:37+00:00

Im generally a nice guy bc thats who i am. Im not nice guy for girls to like me. Just be yourself dude and stop giving 2 shits

jejunum32 · 2022-05-04T19:42:00+00:00

Cuz they’re afraid of rejection but are also horny

Turnmaximum55 · 2022-05-04T20:23:02+00:00

There’s a difference between being nice and being “Nice” : A nice person is someone who genuinely is nice, a “Nice guy”™️ is someone who uses fake generosity to get what he needs and wants. Women can smell it from a mile away and it reeks of low self confidence and neediness.

TechSetStudios · 2022-05-04T20:36:55+00:00

Lack of teaching from fathers. So first instinct is used which isn’t very helpful.

Nullroute127 · 2022-05-04T20:49:52+00:00

Being kind is good. Being 'nice' in the context of pickup/seduction generally means that you try to contort yourself to fit the girl's frame. If she says she loves to crochet, you think crochet is super cool. You don't stand up for yourself, and you aren't willing to express who you truly are because you're afraid of being judged for it. This makes you come off as disingenuous, having ulterior motives, and creepy.

KlutzyImprovement886 · 2022-05-04T21:15:27+00:00

If you want to fix this you need to start setting boundaries, putting yourself first, saying no and more importantly, revealing what you really think and feel to people.

We are really good at reading other people and most people can tell when you are hiding an opinion behind niceness.

Just let loose, your opinion is yours to own and exercising it is you exercising your agency as an individual. If you don't like something, say it and say it with emphasis.

freel0der · 2022-05-04T22:52:51+00:00

You are scared being yourself will not cut it and if you get rejected being yourself you probably feel like you are doomed

RambaRedd · 2022-05-05T00:44:04+00:00

It's because your mom raised you to be the man she should've been with, even though that's not the man she wanted

Title	Why do some guys (like me) think that girls will like them if they are NICE?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	154
Comments	126
Date	May 4, 2022 9:27 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/ui2nmj/why_do_some_guys_like_me_think_that_girls_will/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/why-do-some-guys-like-me-think-that-girls-will.1260511 https://theredarchive.com/post/1260511

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