What does this subreddit think about "spreadsheet guy"?

cxj · 2018-11-27T10:41:37+00:00

This story is fucking hilarious and I can’t believe it’s already 4 years old now 😫

What he did was definitely passive aggressive, I can’t see how it’s manipulative at all, but it got the point across the way I think he intended. Her rejecting him time after time and neglecting their sex life was hurtful to him, just as much if not more than his spreadsheet followed by silence. She may feel this is unfair to her emotional state while trying to work but her repeated rejections May have inflicted similar damage to his work performance so 🤷‍♀️.

our sex life has tapered but isn’t that allowed?

This sounds like sex was more of a chore for him like cooking or cleaning she mentioned but not something she was all that into. Like it didn’t matter to her that the sex tapered off, that’s not what she married for.

Eastuss · 2018-11-27T09:55:06+00:00

It seems to me it is a common advice to deal with issues through text because it's a much more calm and emotionless way of dealing with problems. I don't get why that should be autistic.

The woman says the sex has slowed down due to their lifestyle being tense, but I must interject: she says it'll get better but it never will, adulting is only more responsibility and tasks adding up on your back, it never really goes down.

But women and white knights are going to be disgusted by this man: how dare he

tries to solve problem by talking and voicing the issues (despite it is the first advice ever on /r/relationships)
thinks he can have standards
is not thankful for 3 sex in 7 weeks
is angry

I think he should have voiced this issue earlier and give her room for improvement (but we don't know if he has tried that already). But people's reaction and unforgiveness toward men is just typical of reddit or any social media.

exit_sandman · 2018-11-27T09:49:33+00:00

Quite frankly? It does look autistic, even though I can see where he was coming from. He probably had confronted her with her behavior before, and she had dismissed his complaints about her constantly refusing sex by gaslighting him and pointing towards the 5% of the time she hadn't rejected him; so he meticulously documented her actual behavior.

His problem was that he wanted to convince her that she's in the wrong, and he should have known it doesn't work that way.

sublimemongrel · 2018-11-27T14:30:48+00:00

Weird and kinda sad. But strikes me as something (a normal person) would only do if they were extremely frustrated and/or possibly being gaslighted.

shoup88 · 2018-11-27T10:05:09+00:00

What’s the point of emailing her this information right before she leaves and then ignoring her texts? By the time it got to this point, it seems like he’s more interested in showing her how bad her behaviour has been instead of actually improving anything. This just seems like a bad idea.

Personally I would recommend that he initiate a little less. Make her miss it a bit. Instead it seems like he’s trying basically every day, even right after they’ve had sex. She probably feels Like he’s constantly pawing at her.

I’d be interested to see his side of the story. What else did he try before it got to this point. I understand his anger and frustration, but this feels like going nuclear when he could have started with a conversation.

3 times in 7 weeks is atrocious though.

Yorkshiretea83 · 2018-11-27T10:28:46+00:00

Probably not the best way to go about it but we dont know what was happening during the time he was making the spreadsheet.

I had an ex who had an app on which she would mark when we had sex, something to do with her period I think. It was kinda fun to see when our best and worst months were.

I think it could be a good idea to do something like this to keep track of things. With the app one thing that was surprising was what you can forget. Like you had it every night one week a few months ago and then the following month you had a few weeks without any at all. I just tend to get foggy memories as my busy life ploughs ahead. It's possible that she didnt even realise, and that she couldnt remember most of the turn downs. Keeping a record could help to address that I think.

Also, the implication on the guy's side here is she is gaslighting a little bit, or at least refusing to address it as an issue. If handled well, it could be a good way to show someone what their behaviour is really like.

lucky_beast · 2018-11-27T17:48:57+00:00

Sounds like the spreadsheet came about because she was likely emotionally abusive towards him in regards to their sex life. I feel bad for the guy.

What he should have done is just left. He can either accept a trickle of sex which is unsatisfying, or he can leave and find better pussy. She's a domestic terrorist holding his dick hostage and you don't negotiate with terrorists.

Gravel_Roads · 2018-11-27T13:52:28+00:00

Honestly, I love spreadsheets. Structuring information in a coherent graph helps me think - my bf is the same way. We share spreadsheets all the time on gdrive. Even making a spreadsheet documenting a history of behavior is, in and of itself, harmless.

This guy only goes off the rails in terms of what his end game is. He isn't trying to solve this problem, he's trying to guilt his gf into feeling bad. Making your partner feel bad does not make them want to have sex. The fact that he did this just as she was going away on a trip, and then refused to discuss the problem just sounds like a babyfit.

This dude desperately needs a hobby (Aka "a Mission"), he is fixating on a single aspect of his life and that's never healthy.

crackrocksteady7 · 2018-11-27T15:08:32+00:00

Sending it right before a business trip and refusing communication sounds like the behavior of someone who's done and over it much more than autistic. That's just a way of fucking with someone (ironic) who you have no intention of reconciling with. Just let her stew and hang that over her head

I'd be done with 3 times in 40 something days too

SpaceWhiskey · 2018-11-27T15:19:24+00:00

If I’m not mistaken, wasn’t she willing to have sex with him at a certain time but he refused? It was either the morning or night I don’t remember, but she was willing to fuck him as long as it didn’t mess with her sleep schedule and that wasn’t good enough for him, he wanted things entirely on his terms.

nihilismMattersTmro · 2018-11-27T18:44:49+00:00

one of the top things a dude thinks he signs up for in a relationship or marriage is sex on tap, pretty much anytime anywhere.

When that dries up, and he's not allowed to look for it elsewhere, he says wtf. Hence the spreadsheet.

I say good for him for taking the time to do it.

kandyapplez · 2018-11-27T18:59:48+00:00

nothing gets women hot like being presented with a spreadsheet document laying out just how much your husband disgusts you

theambivalentrooster · 2018-11-27T14:41:30+00:00

The only thing he did wrong was wait to show it to her right before leaving for a work trip that’s a bitch move.

Probably indicative of why she wasn’t sexing him as much as he wanted.

eliechallita · 2018-11-27T17:29:04+00:00

It really depends on how he approached the situation overall.

Keeping a journal or a log of incidents is pretty standard practice for therapy, especially couples therapy. It's commonly used to help patients identify patterns or recurring problems, which they would otherwise dismiss as individual problems or deny outright.

However, that doesn't mean that it's always good: There's always the danger that some people will use them as a grievance hit list and throw each incident in their partner's face to shut down the conversation or attempt to guilt-trip them.

There's also the question of how he approached her in the first place: Is his standard pattern to just say "Wanna fuck?" over and over, or is he putting any effort into creating intimacy between them?

Is there a deeper problem that they're both ignoring, with a lack of sex life being simply one of its symptoms?

Overall I think it can be a good idea to do this as an eye-opener, but it really depends on the situation and I don't know enough about those two to comment more specifically.

Crashlands · 2018-11-27T20:37:07+00:00

This is a perfect representation of why men need to learn to express their feelings. Instead of just telling her “hey, you’re constantly rejecting me, and it makes me feel rejected, unattractive, etc” he basically went full passive aggressive mode on her. Being honest about how he felt could have lead to a discussion that solved the problem.

She is to blame too, though. She also could have said to him “hey man, I’m losing sexual attraction to you because x” or “I’m losing interest in sex because x”

Communication is like the most important part of a relationship.

Willow-girl · 2018-11-27T13:50:30+00:00

Looking at the spreadsheet, it seems he could solve the problem by initiating right after she gets out of the shower!

abaxeron · 2018-11-27T12:10:56+00:00

The guy is in pain. And this is something that no-one seemed to notice.

Adults deal with such situations by apologizing to each other, having some quality time, and then bedroom-marathoning for who drives their partner to the 7th orgasm first. Instead she had the balls to DEMAND he calls her on the first possibility. Bitch.

This woman - who allegedly loves him - published his very personal, very private, and very emotional problem to the second most popular site on the Internet AS THE VERY FIRST THING to do (note the 'yesterday morning' part) after he allowed himself to disapprove of her behavior for the very first time in five years.

Many commentors expressed a strong sense of disgust toward the man. Read through those comments and you'll find no shortage of the word "autistic." They called his actions manipulative and passive-aggressive, expressing the sentiment that the woman was better off without him.

Well of course they have.

My guess is that she came back from the busniess trip and divorce-raped him. Abusers don't like it when their pet stops being controllable.

Nu_Guy · 2018-11-27T14:00:00+00:00

Using the RP theory to make a prediction;

Because he is not alpha enough to command it, or at least voice his opinion at the first instance; she has broken him down and is no longer attracted to him because she can sense his beta.

Lewd_Crude · 2018-11-27T17:49:24+00:00

Honestly I feel bad for him. Yeah it was fucked up that he sent this to her before a business trip and that he went no contact but not as fucked up as getting rejected all the time and obviously getting lied to during the rejection. If I turn down my wife at least I give her the truth not "I'm sweaty and gross (proceeds to not shower until next morning)".

He probably felt that she wouldn't take his spreadsheet seriously unless he went no contact. Which in all honesty is probably true.

verticordia · 2018-11-27T20:45:27+00:00

I think maybe something we're missing is women don't really value sex. So they just don't understand why men value it so much. Men trying to woo women always say "sex doesn't matter, I'll wait for you" etc etc so women take it at face value. They don't feel the need to use their sex trump card.

VDKay · 2018-11-27T21:19:31+00:00

It is a person's right to document whatever he wants. It is also a person's right to deny doing anything that he/she does not want to do (without even having to supply a reason).

There is no right or wrong here. There is noone to defend. They are both in shit. Woman obviously does not have good sex with the person she vowed to spend the rest of her life with, and the man went as far as making a spreadsheet to somehow (in his mind) force her into it.

There is a saying in my language: "When you start keeping a tab, then it's already in vain"

lonelinessmademecave · 2018-11-28T11:38:58+00:00

I think most posts on r/relationships are exercises in creative writing. I just assume a post is fake if it acutely presses every inane button that's more touchy to reddit than reality.

LUClEN · 2018-11-28T21:31:55+00:00

Ive never cohabitated, but I hear there's a huge double standard in rejection practices. Reject the dude and it's A-OK. Reject the lady's attempt to initiate and you may be going months without sex. If his scenario was at all like that, she has zero room for criticism of any kind.

Also, I love his scientific approach the issue. Everything is data. Don't be mad at anyone but yourself when people record it and draw conclusions about you

Workaholico · 2018-11-27T12:20:12+00:00

Do people even know what is the meaning of autistic behavior? If he was autistic, she would want sex and he would be distracted by something like a squirrel in the garden.

Regardless.

He is being rational, and dealing with people in a detached manner. He is showing the reality of people's normal behavior. In this case, his wife.

I say that he took the right route to analyze the problem, the first thing you lean about analyzing human behavior in social sciences is to detached yourself to see things for what they are, trying to not take "things are like that, because they are" as acceptable answer. This is the strategy of all great social scientists like Smith, Weber or Marx.

I worry about the future of the west like that. I live in Brazil, and this inability of detachment and distrust of factual/documented data as some kind of disease or cult is what is maintaining us, the Brazilians, in the third world.

Look at our social sciences establishment. deduction and induction is regarded as bad practices and the scientific method as a thing of the past. This is madness. There are times for questioning these, but they should not be the basis of a scientific institution. Let alone entire areas of knowledge.

Why the heck is the west looking more and more like Brazil?

killallthenarcs · 2018-11-27T13:50:40+00:00

I thought it was abundantly clear to every adult with half a clue that when women get tired, overworked and overstressed and remain in that state for a few months, all swimming with stress hormones, they lose their drive? Nature announces loud and clear "Don't have babies now, not a good time!" I mean seriously is there no-one who does not know this... that a woman who is being the career woman and the household manager and the household drudge and the project manager for a major reno and is trying to catch up from having put on weight probably wants to disappear into the dissociation of TV or a book to destress and is not going to want to be doing all the taking care of a man's ego involved in sex? He's a fucking moron for not knowing why it is she's gone off the boil, and not knowing he can get her back on the boil by organizing some of the pressure off her and just staying relaxed.

Also worth noting, she's been stretched past a certain limit all this time and he hasn't given a shit about the impact on her. Even if he doesn't know it impacts her sex drive, surely it is obvious that this is a woman who feels tired, harried, a bit gross, and is seeking escape from the real world in the time she has off? If he cared about her rather than just that she touch his dick, he'd have already done something to take the pressure off and help her feel more comfortable in herself.

I think she should just shrug and contact a divorce lawyer. The house should sell well it has a fresh reno. And she should stop cooking for him and doing his laundry and cleaning the house... and go find some other guy to fuck with all the energy she gets back into her life.

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goatismycopilot · 2018-11-27T10:46:00+00:00

I remember spreadsheet guy. Wonder if they are still together.

whatyoucallaflip · 2018-11-27T18:43:58+00:00

Life is inherently stressful. Professionals are now expected to be at their employer's beck and call around the clock. There's always going to be something. She needs a partner who can handle long stretches without sex since that's apparently what's necessary to accommodate her level of stress tolerance (probably someone less attractive than her, or who makes less money than her--bye bye house).

He needs someone with a high enough stress tolerance to continue wanting to have sex through the stresses of hellish modern life. The odds are that will be someone who is in a less stressful career than his wife (though not necessarily) and, accordingly, makes less money than his wife (bye bye house).

Tldr sex more important than large renovated house

PanderjitSingh_k · 2018-11-28T01:55:40+00:00

He’s got every right to have requirements of a partner. Just as much right as she does.

esiemualB · 2018-11-28T13:04:51+00:00

A big part of the problem is how he gave her the spreadsheet: he sent it to her knowing very well that it would probably upset her at the beginning of a work trip. He also has not answered her calls. This is manipulative, and it is not how you have a constructive discussion about getting your sex life back on track. I don't know how the story ended, but I guess he hoped that after ten days of being angry and upset about the spreadsheet, his wife would not refuse his advances any more.

Another thing that bothers me is how he has framed many of the excuses as being sort of "invalid" by providing additional information (like that the show was a re-run or that she didn't shower until morning). I'm guessing he hoped that this would support his point how she was apparently the asshole, but all it does is point out how he doesn't respect her. She says she has had a stressful time at work, she does the majority of chores, and she is in the process of losing weight. It's understandable that she wants to have some relaxation time at home, and this means that she doesn't want to get up and shower in order to be able to have sex she doesn't want with a nagging husband who invalidates her excuses with spreadsheets.

Bedtimeshine · 2018-11-28T22:37:18+00:00

Hes pathetic and did it to himself

Pastelitomaracucho · 2018-11-29T05:46:22+00:00

No one is owed sex. You are not getting what you want? Leave. Cheat. Whatever.

Hilarious, tho.

xKalisto · 2018-11-27T09:53:59+00:00

So he tried just once a day?

How abut shower together dear? Something like that.

Idk when my husband says he's not feeling well I just try later. I don't want him to feel like shit.

Edit: This is however pretty low blow from him when she's away. I'd be distressed too.

20cansofSpam · 2018-11-27T12:21:11+00:00

Simple she doesn't want him anymore. Get a divorce now.

Ihateyouandeveryone · 2018-11-27T12:36:17+00:00

Everyone involved seems like a dick. Spreedsheet guy acting entitled to anothers body, lady just shitting all over his emotional and physical needs. Clearly the relationship has been over for awhile.

TheMedsPeds · 2018-11-27T20:37:03+00:00

Say what you want about who was in the right and who is in the wrong. But if you are going to fucking marry someone, might want to make sure you have similar libidos first. Some people have high sex drives, if you do find someone else who does.

All I know is if I was with a guy and he tried to initial sex 28 times in 42 days I'd probably only accept 3-5 times too. I am not a horny 14-year-old that is exploring a new guy's body. Leave me the fuck alone my back hurts, I'm tired and I just want to relax.

KikiYuyu · 2018-11-27T19:17:26+00:00

He's a passive-aggressive baby man. He should have just talked to his wife about it and insisted it was important they discuss it.

dopamineway · 2018-11-27T20:49:29+00:00

ITS FUCKING TR3YWAY 😩😩😩😩😩😩🌈🌈🌈🍆🍆🍆💦💦💦

Eartherry · 2018-11-28T14:58:31+00:00

The narrative that sex in a marriage is akin to washing dishes or taking out the trash is completely foreign to women.

A chore is something that has to be done, regardless of whether wants to, for the benefit of the household. When this applies to sex, it stands to reason that it also has to be done regardless of whether they want to.

What's the name for sex against your will? Does anybody really think that all that can happen to a person emotionally won't just because they're married? What about after 25 times? Further, what kind of person can enjoy sex with someone they know doesn't want to?

The spreadsheet in and of itself isn't that odd, I've heard similar stories of men keeping track of that stuff. The odd part is how he doesn't see a difference between sex with a willing woman and one that isn't, or doesn't care.

NevaGoodEnough · 2018-11-29T01:23:40+00:00

Lol. How sex obsessed and shallow men are never ceases to disgust me. Imagine if a woman made a spreadsheet about how her husband doesn’t take her on extravagant vacations or buy her expensive gifts anymore. Men would flip.

It doesn’t matter how the woman feels, the men’s selfish desires always come first. It’s extremely likely he puts no effort into pleasing her as men usually don’t. Why should a woman have sex with a man so inconsiderate and selfish? I sincerely hope that woman left him.

Title	What does this subreddit think about "spreadsheet guy"?
Author	washington_breadstix
Upvotes	32
Comments	183
Date	November 27, 2018 9:30 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/a0tc11/what_does_this_subreddit_think_about_spreadsheet/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-does-this-subreddit-think-about-spreadsheet.258847 https://theredarchive.com/post/258847

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