Weekly FDS Check-In

apple_cores · 2021-09-22T01:52:49+00:00

Finally deleted some men from my Instagram and Snapchat. These are men who I had sex with, some had future faked me and talked a lot of talk and no action, some just used me for sex. There was no point in having them following me anymore and vice versa. I realized it gave me some sort of validation when they would watch my stories when really, it doesn’t mean anything. I was also holding onto a false hope of them realizing what they missed. It’s better to fully let go, something I should have done long ago.

throwawayaway388 · 2021-09-21T13:57:02+00:00

This is more FLUS, but I need to post this somewhere and get it off my chest because I haven't talked to anyone about it yet.

So last week I noticed I was exhibiting pick-me behaviour in regards to a career opportunity. I noticed red flags in this office environment and the head boss (an older male), and originally I attempted to ignore them simply because of how long I had admired them. It kept nagging at me, especially the head boss who attempted to be dominant in the situation ("if we bring you in, you're going to have to do what I say". It was very odd and seemed like he was trying to assert his power and dominance). Alarm bells were going off in my head. I didn't like this.

Anyway, I slept on it over the weekend, and yesterday I turned it down. I spent a lot of my 20s in terrible situations with bad bosses and business practices, and I'm not subjecting myself to that shit again. The funny thing is, the boss kept hyping me up and saying I could be one of his best. Well, no shit, Sir, because I'm already well on my way to being the best in my field. And that's why I'm going to take my ass elsewhere and get what I deserve. It's gross to me when bosses attempt to assert this weird power dynamic when really we're just two adults who have come to an agreement that benefits both of us. I'm not your bitch, and I'm also not going to be relegated to basic office work to help make things run more efficiently for you. That's not my job. That's not what I do. Hire an office administrator.

I've been talking about and dreaming about working here but if I have all these alarm bells going off in my head just a couple weeks in without me having even accepted, then how could I? I don't know how to talk about this with my friends and family yet. I'm not sure they'll understand. I think I'll probably just say "it didn't work out". I don't want to be told I should be accepting a position that is unhealthy for me, and that I need to "suck it up" for the networking/experience, and that I need to be treated as less than. So I'm sharing here, because to me it's a small victory. It's unfortunate the business didn't meet my standards, but that's not my problem, and certainly not my problem to fix.

I feel good about my decision. Those alarm bells were going off for a good reason, right?

ETA: I do have plenty of other opportunities elsewhere, I had just wanted to be at this particular company for so long (and I guess I was wrong about them). Constant vetting, everywhere!

starlight_sequence · 2021-09-22T04:23:59+00:00

There’s an awful trend in my local women’s Facebook group of women posting personal ads on behalf of their single guy friends. I suffer so much secondhand embarrassment for the women who show interest. One guy recently had hundreds of comments of women saying they texted him.

Imagine being so desperate that you’re willing to text a strange man, and then try to compete with a hundred women and audition to be picked. No relationship I would ever want could start that way.

raggedclaws_silentCs · 2021-09-22T09:46:18+00:00

After having read about Gabby Petito I remembered a time that an ex told me that he felt homicidal towards me. I had immediately called my therapist and sent her an email, afraid of how this could turn out for me down the line. She blew me off. I think I had some context clues that she hadn’t taken into account—namely, him telling me that he would make his ex so scared during “arguments” that she would pee herself, and also him patting himself on the back for never having hit her (I assume, outside of sex, because he would get angry at me for being closed-minded about not accepting violence during sex).

This guy was a normal dude IMO. Just like Gabby’s killer.

CountingDownTheDays5 · 2021-09-21T19:33:09+00:00

I am very fearful, I work in a setting where we are tested weekly. Sadly each week 2-4 people are out due to testing positive to covid19. The virus is still spreading, and it's scary for myself as well as others. I wish they would have let us stay home. We can do our work from home without an issue, and out lives would not be on the line.

sleepysiri · 2021-09-21T13:31:45+00:00

When we receive a message from a scrote, I understand blocking and deleting but do we need to report them here too since they obviously lurk?

Just got one saying men are superior 🤡😂 Like, nothing beyond that. No references or explanation or expanding.

warinmymind94 · 2021-09-25T02:45:29+00:00

attending a wedding soon ALONE. no date, no plus one. feels liberating. its my first wedding as an adult and I remember my friends stressing trying to find any scrote they could so they would have a date, but that cant be me. I can enjoy the wedding with my friends that already will be there without toting around a scrote!

had a great 1st date with a dude and then guess what? he tried pulling the slow fade on me. his effort just nice dived off a cliff and then he stopped responding. and I slipped. the stress and all the built up anger at the slow faders got to me and I texted him saying "I noticed you stopped responding and have-not been making effort to stay in contact after the date. This isn't something I can accept. Good luck." I didn't need any proof FDS works, but I slipped, and I should have just deleted and blocked him no text or anything. but then he texted me TWO paragraphs basically gaslighting me saying I was overeacting, made excuses he was "busy", and that I should have been double and triple texting him, chasing him. I ignored the paragraphs. an hour later another one rolled in saying how he really liked me and how I was the first person he dated in over two years and this could have been prevented if only I had been blowing up his phone all day until he responded and then at the end of the paragraph he said "this sucks". I didn't answer. I finally blocked him. sorry I slipped, but it's further proof FDS does work.

im just tired of dating again.

Krelxyian2333 · 2021-09-23T15:13:47+00:00

Why do people say this subreddit is toxic and compare it to incels? These are valid complaints. Incels will literally just openly talk about committing violence towards women and aspiring to be fucking p*dos while talking about how the “ripe age” is 12. One group has legitimate complaints, the other should be on an FBI watchlist.

misscyansiren · 2021-09-21T10:54:10+00:00

Scrote in my class won't get the hint that I don't want to talk to him. Thankfully this is my last semester at uni. The first few weeks of class, he didn't shower or shave his scruffy beard. Not even the guys wanted to be near him. When he started talking to me, he suddenly began showering and coming to class clean-shaven. Pretty laughable.

katiekat0214 · 2021-09-21T13:35:33+00:00

So is there a way to actually get attention from men, ie flirting, chatting, that's FDS approved? I'm asking as an older woman, a widow, someone who hasn't dated in about 30 years, having been married twice. Out in public, RBF is on like armor, and I never smile or make eye contact, partly from being 50+ years in a female body, 25 of those married. I've worked super hard to be unapproachable out in public to avoid harassment from rando scrotes (especially when I was extremely heavy... lost the weight, never the watchfulness against fat hate comments and looks).

Now, though, it's been five years since my husband died. I'd like a bit of positive attention as a woman. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not flirtatious at all, really down to earth, direct, straightforward, and also super basic in fashion (tee shirt, pants, hiking boots, no makeup). Any thoughts would be most appreciated. Way out of pickmeisha days, but would still like to feel appreciated for myself, and for being a woman. Thanks.

SupermarketObvious92 · 2021-09-24T06:47:45+00:00

I just realized my last relationship was more affected by porn than I thought. I’m so sad, hurt and angry!

How do I vet for porn use early on, without inviting talk about sex? I’ve read here to innocently ask: “what kind of porn do you like?”, but I’d rather not discuss sex within the first few dates or give the suggestion it’s on my mind.

cookiemonstergirls · 2021-09-24T20:22:10+00:00

I just wanted to say that I appreciate the work you ladies are doing! FDS is the only place on the internet where women are actually allowed to express that they have standards! Most of the dating advise on the internet is an echo chamber of men shaming women for having bare minimum standards and even women shaming other women for having standards! People generally do not care if a man wants a hot woman out of his league or a younger woman they will just call it a “preference”. But people lose their mind if a woman does the same. I rembember once I was using an app where women ask other women for relationship advice and life advise in general. The women on that app were some of the most hard core pick mes I have ever seen in my life. The weird thing about it was that most of them claimed to be “feminists”. 🤡I remember I made a comment stating that I think that men should pay on dates and that men should be the ones to persue women not vice versa. And only one other girl agreed with me lol. The rest sent me angry hateful messages telling me to lower my standards and calling me sexist. Lots of them were proud to tell me that they take pride in funding their mans lifestyle, paying for everything (not even 50/50) and that there is nothing wrong with treating your man. 🤡Some women even made the argument “women who want guys to pay for dates and persue them are hypocrites because they want human rights and to not be raped but they also want chivalry and female privlege”💀🤮That app is full of lib fems and female MRAs who think that they are feminists. I think those “woke” women are worse misoginists than alot of the men I actually know.

pumpkin-pied · 2021-09-21T10:56:56+00:00

Check-in! Hope y'all have had a good no-drama monday.

Updates on my situation: yesterday I relapsed into the pickmeisha cycle of shame again and broke NC with my narc abusive ex, I came begging him for a chance to talk then even wrote him apology letters 🤢, after he dumped me out like trash even threatening to "make sure I'll get deported" if I refuse to drop the charges. After hours of crying and hours of crying, today I finally got a "legal advice assistance certificate" - that basically allows me to pay a tiny sum only (due to financial difficulties) for any lawyer of my choice. I'm terrified because even the police didn't believe my statement. He could turn this around on my head and make me serve time. I hope everything will be okay.

honeybadgerattitude · 2021-09-21T12:02:58+00:00

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BeautifulButterfly88 · 2021-09-24T18:15:19+00:00

This week it's been 6 years since I met my HVM husband!

We're going for a weekend getaway to celebrate. Been reflecting a lot about our relationship and I love reading all the posts here and thinking about how bad all my exes were.

My husband just randomly gave me 100$ last weekend. It was just....so sweet? I feel a bit materialistic but it just felt so nice. We earn similarly and have some shared finances which he encourages me to use for my self-care spending...so it was just cute to randomly give me an extra treat.

I've also been thinking a lot about how I've been such a pickme when looking for friends 😔 just like....desperate and not having standards and not thinking how I can benefit from the friendship but just wanting friends

I'm hoping to turn this around because I'd love to find a GOOD friend who would go to cultural events, shopping etc with me

lifesok · 2021-09-23T00:22:26+00:00

I had an ex reach out today apologizing for his behavior when we were dating. He didn’t make excuses, it was just an apology. Honestly, I barely remember him and we dated a year, 12 years ago. I was telling my friend and she remembered more about the relationship then I did.

Idk. I recently was listening to a song from Lake Street Dive about learning to play through our mistakes. It was a nice reminder to learn and not dwell. Life is about playing through the mistakes.

ello-motto · 2021-09-25T21:22:43+00:00

A random thought on seeing others succeed and comparisonitis.

Have any of you seen another person succeed and felt bad about yourself? You start beating yourself up like, I wish I had an opportunity like that, or, why didn't I do that when I was their age? Or from an FDS lens, why didn't I know about LVM/HVM sooner or learn how to vet and have strong boundaries like other HV girls?

I think all of us have a tendency of comparing individuals to individuals. It's Person A vs. Person B. We do a like-for-like analysis on paper, and we're just like... why did I get the short end of the straw?

But it's never just Person A vs. Person B.

It's Person A's entire upbringing, the family they had around them, the neighborhood they grew up in, who their parents were, what kind of influences they were surrounded by, the generational trauma they did or did not inherit, and sometimes yes, luck.

In reality, that person is a cumulative result of their entire family history, upbringing and healing that was done in that family and environment.

In the same vein, by us women being here on FDS, levelling up, working through our limiting beliefs, self-love, worth and boundaries, and making change in our social groups, workplaces, industries and hobby spaces... we are contributing to the future success of not only our future selves, but our future generations who we get to inspire and be a positive cumulative addition to their success.

I genuinely believe, all of us are exactly where we are, doing the exact healing we need to be doing at this time. We are being the best version of ourselves from the cumulative experiences that we were raised in, and so is that other person we're using as a measuring stick for ourselves.

To compare is pointless, because we all had different starting points and different shaping points.

Whoever's reading this, you are doing so much healing, learning and growing. Be proud of yourself. Be proud of your journey. You are doing everything you can to thrive in your own, unique, and beautiful lane!

And... that's it! Just some random and roughly written unstructured thoughts I had and felt like sharing.

Wish you all a lovely weekend!

popularsongs · 2021-09-23T03:50:24+00:00

random thought to build confidence/mantra of sorts: you are never out of his league.

strangehoney · 2021-09-23T05:21:55+00:00

I found a HVM. On paper he checks all the boxes I had for the partner I'm looking for. But I just don't feel like he understands me. He doesn't make me laugh. I don't feel all melty for him. He also doesn't text back in the same day which might seem petty because we are two busy adults but I want someone so excited to have some banter with me at some point in the day that it is hard to resist saying hello. Super attentive and generous with his time on the weekend but during the week it's mostly crickets.

The sex is great, the adventures are cool but three months in and he still feels like a stranger. Should I be more patient? I am only used to narcissists so obviously the intensity will be much lower but I should feel at least feel excited and wanted right?

spookycocoapuff · 2021-09-23T17:01:30+00:00

Currently ending a relationship of 4 years with a guy who seems like a HVM on paper, but turned out to be NVM. I haven't been looking for anyone new as I need a lot of time to process and heal from this past relationship, but I'll entertain light conversations with other men. I had a man from high school message me out of nowhere and when he turned the conversation into something sexual, I blocked and deleted without another word. I'm very proud of myself as I definitely had some pickmeisha tendencies in the past, but I've been treating FDS like a Bible and listening to all the podcasts and I can tell there's been a definite mindset shift in myself

basuragoddess · 2021-09-24T05:28:12+00:00

How/ when can you change/upgrade your badge?

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-09-24T17:59:38+00:00

What's up with auto mod? It's removing upvoted comments that contain no hate, no profanities or anything controversial.

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-09-25T03:52:08+00:00

I know I’m a bit late listening to last weeks podcast on narcissistic abuse, but so much of what was described as signs someone is narcissistic sounds so much like my ex in high school. Even my friends could tell he seemed entitled and had a grandiose personality. He appeared haughty and felt above everyone else. Of course when he first expressed interest in dating me he put me on a pedestal and said he’d never felt the way he felt about me with anyone else and how we connected and understood each other so well. Before he’d discard me, he’d criticize me then we’d break up but he’d always come back and tell me how sorry he was. A couple years ago, a few years after I deleted his number and he no longer had access to me, I saw him at the store and we locked eyes for a bit then before he could talk to me I walked away and haven’t seen or dealt with him since (thank god). I’ve always been very empathetic, kind, and understanding with people but it unfortunately has attracted narcissists and other LVM. Setting boundaries and raising standards has helped weed more of them out now

hmmmM4YB3 · 2021-09-22T13:39:06+00:00

Is anyone currently dating (who they so far think is) a HVM? What makes you think so?

And if you were dating someone who seemed HV but then did something to turn you off, what was that thing?

Meta: I thought about posting this as a thread but I don't think I can as a newbie, right?

Kitchen-Afternoon589 · 2021-09-25T03:58:51+00:00

I have a friend that is dating this LVM and for God Precious it’s so ANNOYING. I don’t know how to help her, she puts herself as a mat and complies to anything this guy says and is so happy any time he makes the BARE minimum. For example, she went to his place and brushed her teeth there. He said something like “you can leave your brush here if you want to”. And not only she asked him “are you sure?” She came back home euphoric to tell me about this sweet action he did… and I have plenty plenty more anecdotes like this. For example: - the time it was HER birthday, she invited this excuse for a man, and he suggested me, another friend and him split the check, so my roommate didn’t pay… instead of him paying HIS things and hers. A month later it was HIS birthday and she bought him cake, made him lasagna and bought him a little gift. He was barely thankful for any of it. But my problem is not him, of course not. It’s her. HOW CAN I HELP HER SEE HER WORTH!

And, Jesus, you may understand if he was handsome or had an interesting personality… either! He does have money but as you can see, is a cheap piece of trash… but she’s allured with his alleged “attractiveness” (believe me, he’s ugly af).

2021-09-21T16:52:52+00:00

[permanently deleted]

virgoran · 2021-09-27T00:43:34+00:00

First date with a male last night. He was so shit on conversation... didn't ask me any questions about myself. I had to perform all the heavy lifting and ask question after question. He then called me intense. Ok, have a good one.

ironglaciers · 2021-09-27T01:34:05+00:00

I uninstalled all of my OLD apps last year and this year has shown me that was wise. I'm going off and doing things on my own, even things I was afraid to do before.

numbers213 · 2021-09-28T03:57:24+00:00

I don't come on here as often as when I first discovered this subreddit, not because I don't agree with the things here but because I've listened to the advice here. I'm living my life, building my career, thinking about my future and NOT stressing over some guy. I feel free. I'm so thankful for this place showing me a whole new light.

afab_100 · 2021-09-22T03:09:42+00:00

My ex sends me low effort texts every once in awhile. I know that he's capable of communicating properly. Makes me wanna block his ass

HoneyBouquet · 2021-09-27T12:02:56+00:00

I was meant to go on a date last Friday but he ghosted me from last Wednesday onwards. I did not follow up on it.

I blocked him and some pickmes around me told me that he could be "busy" and I dont owe him anything.

My time is precious to me. Another LVM goes back in the sea.

Most men where I live dont have English as their first language so either I meet men irl or that's it...

The apps here are a shitshow. I live in UAE atm for work.

Partypuppers · 2021-09-28T10:13:48+00:00

What are some strategic questions I could ask to gauge whether a man is emotionally available and looking for a relationship?

christianlady_ · 2021-09-24T18:12:54+00:00

Can anyone link me the link to the thread of the tiktok woman who folded her husbands underwear? I can’t find it. It was epic.

AnneJedonia · 2021-09-27T08:57:26+00:00

I’m probably late to the party but what happened to the chat room? Several times I’ve wanted to hop in there for some random advice

waywardheartredeemed · 2021-09-27T12:42:58+00:00

Yesterday I was banned from r feminism! I have no idea why I never post and respond seldomly!

I think I would have been upset. But, I remember reading here that a lot of these subredits were run by men. I'm not mad at all!

I think I've also gotten more ok with like, disagreeing with other feminists or other people in groups I identify with.

I don't need to make sure that what I think and say is going to be approved by everyone! (They definitely do not do that for me lol).

This is a sign that my inner work is working! 🎂 Thanks FDS your literature had definitely been a big help for that!

NoOrdinaryLifeXO · 2021-09-27T15:27:32+00:00

Got rid of Snapchat and disabled messaging and friend requests on Facebook from random dudes. It feels so good to no longer get annoying creepy messages of guys talking to themselves in my inbox.

Carpedictum · 2021-09-27T17:00:54+00:00

How do we “block and delete?”

We block so he can’t contact us. We delete so we don’t go back in a moment of weakness. Right?

I know how to block OR delete. Is there a way to do both? Or is just that more of an expression?

Also- how do I block an email? On gmail and/or Outlook. I’ve been moving them to spam, then after a few times they go there automatically, but can I just intentionally block in the first place?

Title	Weekly FDS Check-In
Author	Unlikely-Marzipan
Upvotes	58
Comments	97
Date	September 21, 2021 10:16 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/psfv20/weekly_fds_checkin/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/weekly-fds-check-in.1075212 https://theredarchive.com/post/1075212

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