He wants to move in together

MajesticSkyPachyderm · 2022-02-13T07:35:13+00:00

He wants to move in together. You don't. So don't do it. As someone who made that very mistake, I can tell you that you need to listen to your intuition. I used to be with someone when I was around your age, and I had the same doubts. At the time I also said that "I didn't know why". I also thought that "he was wonderful". Then I moved in with him, and it turned into a nightmare and a couple of years later, I broke up with him. My intuition was proved right, and just like you, I could absolutely do better. And I did.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-02-13T06:13:56+00:00

You know what to do! You aren’t ready to move in and you want to have your own place to focus on your studies. And that’s what I would tell him. His reaction will tell you whether you should keep dating or break up.

Vaahla · 2022-02-13T11:32:26+00:00

Trust your gut.

If you want to continue, move there on your own and live separate.

I won’t live with someone I’m not engaged too again. I’ve done it a handful of times through my 20s and it’s done nothing but hurt me (especially financially).

Tharwaum · 2022-02-13T11:30:29+00:00

Maybe you feel bad and can’t describe why (obviously the Boston job plus online school sounds amazing) because he’s asking you to move, not asking you to get married, and he’s 29. Maybe it’s your instinct that being asked to move is not a big compliment nor a gift, it’s him asking you to take a risk by leaving whatever life you built for yourself where you are currently, without even a clear promise

Africanaissues · 2022-02-13T06:43:49+00:00

Don’t move in with him, enough said.

You need to focus on your life and your aspirations without becoming a live-in fake wife. If he’s that great, then try long distance.

LilyFuckingBart · 2022-02-13T07:26:16+00:00

Definitely don’t move in with him if it’s not something you’re ready to do.

Why not accept the job & move to Boston, since this seems to excite you and sounds like something you want, but live on your own?

c_a_t_lady · 2022-02-13T06:51:52+00:00

While I can't tell you what to do, but I recommend you trust your instinct.

It sounds like you feel unsure about it. If you need to question it too much, not just to consider it, then that could indicate you don't deep down want to do it.

If the feeling based approach isn't for you, then you can try to consider the pros and cons of the situation. What would a certain decision mean from a practical perspective and how could it affect your future? And would you be too attached to the situation (would it be harder to leave)?

NeurologyDivergent · 2022-02-13T07:36:57+00:00

Listen to yourself.

If you're hesitating, there is a reason.

ItsFreezen · 2022-02-13T07:57:09+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-02-13T09:30:49+00:00

I have a wonderful boyfriend who wants us to move in together. He’s moving to Boston for school and wants me to move there as well. I’m about to start studying online and I’m very eager to begin, but I feel taking such a serious step in this relationship would rob me of my focus.

then don't do it.

he goes to Boston to study and you will study online.

I am sure he is a wonderful person but have you 2 discussed the crux of teh problem?

money?

who will pay for the rent?

will he ask you to pay your share of rent? will he ask you to pay your share of bills?

will he ask you to not pay but "contribute" in other ways?

this is a very very serious thing. have you 2 lived together before? if not, then this is your first time and you need to move to Boston for it? that's 2 big changes in 1 go.

I am saying: don't do it. moving is a huge change. you don't really know that person until you stay with them 24/7. It would have been ok if you two were staying in the same city and decided to look together for a place to rent. that would have been a start.

there are several things that can go wrong. you don't need to be in Boston to study online. you don't need to pay 50% of the rent and bills (did he tell you he will pay for housing or what's HIS PLAN?) and stay at home and clean and cook (because he doesn't study online like you). he might expect YOU to compromise because he will be busy with his PhD and will not clean, will not cook. and it's the perfect excuse to throw in your face: "you don't even need to go to Uni, you're online. And a PhD is very important, you're just an undergrad."

this has all the chances to be the start of a usership.

he will be very successful if you cook and clean and keep the place neat and are there for him. he can go and do his business. you will be the one that needs to find a job and make do in a city you have never lived in before. you are the one that makes all the compromises.

can you see it?

Certain older individuals in my life have advised me to stay with him as he has a certain future; he will be very successful. But I intend to be successful also!!

exactly. of course you wanna be successful! you're ambitious. you need time and space to develop yourself and you definitely don't need to ever feel obliged to become his part-time "housewife" (because let's be real! this is going to happen!). he needs you there to support him but you are just starting, baby and you need all your circle and all your focus to be the best at what you do. besides, think of the money and the energy.

what you will do for him: be there as support (emotional & otherwise), be there to pay 50% of rent (did he mention how money will be managed? if you didn't have this talk, you know it!), you will fall into a cooking/ cleaning/ caring phase (because you don't need to be places to study online and allegedly, you being an undergrad is less demanding than his postgrad studies), you'll be there for him to have sex, emotional blanket.

what doe she do for you?!

you can stay put and study online - big changes (and moving is a big change) can affect our performance. you don't need a setback. you need to make sure that your environment is safe and offers you the peace and quiet to develop. you are an undergrad and your road has just begun. you really need to get your shit together and establish yourself now if you want to continue academically to a PhD like he does. Women always need to do double work than men to be taken as seriously. And besides, where are all your friends? in Boston? you need your friends.

I am so sick of hearing how women uproot their lives to move with some man knowing very well that the only thing that's certain for the relationship and the future may very well be uncertainty.

enchantedglow · 2022-02-13T06:11:12+00:00

Seems like you already know what to do- don’t move in with him girl. You clearly don’t want to and have your reasons. FDS also says not to move in together unless you’re engaged (if that’s what you want). Read the handbook if you haven’t already. The age gap between you two is kind of big too tbh. You’re still young so don’t limit yourself to a serious decision/future with him.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-02-13T06:33:25+00:00

If you're not excitedly saying yes, then it's a big NOPE.

Plus, please read the handbook. We don't move in with boyfriends unless we are engaged. Don't get engaged to this guy. Also, that's too much of an age gap.

Don't date potential either. Anything can happen.

honeybadgerattitude · 2022-02-13T09:01:15+00:00

I agree with the other commenters here. Don't move in with him. Many men revert to their real selves once they have a woman in a situation they can't easily escape from. I think that's what your gut is telling you here. Move to Boston and live on your own if that's what you want. If you do move in with you it's possible he just wants a mommy bangmaid to keep him going until he finishes his PhD then he'd leave for someone else when he's got a higher social standing. Worse case is he'll baby trap you and become abusive. At this point, it's really not worth the risk.

xfelugirlx · 2022-02-13T13:49:53+00:00

You know what is best for your future, do that. Don’t make the mistake of dumping your dreams or facilities for a man that who knows if he wants to marry you or not. Your dreams also matter

elainejay82 · 2022-02-13T14:25:20+00:00

Don't move in with him.

Don't move in with any man whom you are simply dating. You have absolutely no financial protection without a marriage and you would be amazed at how many men take women for a ride AFTER moving in together, whether it is emotionally, financially, or both. You haven't known him long, honestly, and your spidey senses are up for a reason.

But it cannot be stressed enough.... Do NOT move in with a man unless he has married you.

SupermarketObvious92 · 2022-02-13T09:00:26+00:00

Reading what you’ve said, I think you’ll regret moving in with him. So I’d recommend you to follow your gut here.

He has everything to win, and you have a lot to lose.

ciciplum · 2022-02-13T10:12:45+00:00

Honestly I feel its LV to string along someone like this. Definitely don't move in, but also don't waste his and your time any longer.

On this sub we talk often of how NV/LV men will string along a good woman for years while looking for someone "better".

Seems like you have one foot out the door already. Why not let it go and focus on yourself 100%?

TheNightWitch · 2022-02-13T16:01:44+00:00

He wants you to move with him because it will make his life so much easier as a PhD student. Men in doctoral programs with live in girlfriends end up with a huge advantage in academia, because there’s someone at home cooking and cleaning and doing most of the administrivia of life, and giving him sex on demand, letting him focus only on his career.

You know that every discussion about chores is going to end in his time being more valuable than your time, and that when he graduates he will be moving again for his first academic position, which is more likely to be a podunk college town someplace you’d never want to live.

jupitaur9 · 2022-02-13T14:11:52+00:00

You don’t want the same things. So why bother? Even if it would be easy to extract yourself from the situation, it’d still be a distraction from your studies.

This has no future. You don’t need to have a relationship every day of your life. Focus on your studies and let him go.

moonartemis1989 · 2022-02-13T06:28:34+00:00

I would say don't date someone 5 years older rn . Your still young and he obviously has more different take on things . Don't move in with anyone that you are not married to. Don't do it .

hyperjinxx · 2022-02-13T14:38:26+00:00

OP, I’m noticing you keep mentioning wanting to get married later on, why do you have to hold on to this relationship in order to get married later? He’s telling you he supposedly wants to marry you in 1-2 years and you aren’t ready but I’m also getting the sense that you feel like you’d be settling.

Why continue with the charade? Do you think you won’t be able to find someone else who will respect you, your aspirations, and your boundaries? Do you think this is the best you can do?

I know you can do better and I think deep down you know it too, you’re just afraid to pull the plug.

Don’t move in together, do what’s best for you, and move on from this relationship. You have so much to look forward to in life, don’t bog yourself down with a mans potential.

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2022-02-13T15:07:35+00:00

I’d bet money that those “certain older people” are giving you advice based on their own intentions for you… not based on what’s actually best for you.

If you tell him you don’t want to move in together and he breaks up with you, it was never really meant to be anyway. If a man truly wants to be with you, he’ll wait.

her-vagesty · 2022-02-13T09:25:27+00:00

If you don't feel he's good enough for you then why are you with him? You're only wasting both your time being with him.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-02-13T15:28:51+00:00

You CAN do better , please focus on YOU and YOUR CAREER path, men are not capable of putting your needs and financial security first. Don't make the same mistake soooo many of us have done here pre FDS.

queen_azulaa · 2022-02-13T16:56:46+00:00

Congratulations on your pursuit of higher education! Im sure your family is already very proud of you.

Sis. Read your post. Then read it again. Every single question you posted, you answered already. Its not anxiety if you'd be "peachy" to move on your own. So why feel like this when this man is involved? You answered your question already. He's not the only one with an apartment in Boston. And do you really like Boston or was he selling you to it? Its a very exciting time for you so don't rush and spread yourself thin. You'll burn out.

FDS discourages moving in before marriage as well. You'll be splitting bills and giving free housework only for him to leverage you with the risk of homelessness. Reconsult the handbook on this topic.

xdecadent · 2022-02-13T10:01:07+00:00

Don’t do it, sweetheart. Find yourself a cute apartment or a roommate if you need to. But do not move in with a man, especially while you’re still in school and definitely not before an engagement is made. And those people telling you that he has a bright future ahead - you have a bright future too! Focus on what you want, what’s more practical for you and what’s in your best interests. He will not die if you say you don’t want to move in with him.

NoMoreLVM · 2022-02-13T10:07:34+00:00

Don’t move in. People act like it’s casual but it’s like marriage in the sense that it’s a whole upheaval. If he’s for you then he’ll understand. If he gets mad then his motivation is not to advance the relationship, but convenience and to cut bills. Moving in with a man, no matter your intentions, usually ends up with a woman doing caretaking duties that will impede on your free time. Don’t play house with a man who you aren’t sure you want to commit to forever. Put all that energy into yourself, especially at your super young age.

lolmemberberries · 2022-02-13T14:15:55+00:00

If you feel uncertain about the move and you don't feel ready to move in with him, don't do it. That's your gut instinct telling you that the situation isn't right for you. Focus on your own success! It sounds like you've done a lot to set up a promising future for yourself.

Constant-Wanderer · 2022-02-13T14:50:46+00:00

You don’t need all this justification, all you need is that one shortest sentence - “I don’t want to.”

No amount of righteous explanation can outweigh simple wants. Don’t move in with him because you don’t want to, that’s all you need.

Anyone who thinks that your personal wants need to be earned with justification is not on your side. Period.

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2022-02-13T16:28:44+00:00

Speaking as someone who once lived with a man without being married, don’t do it! If you do it you’ll end up being his maid and a means for cheaper living expenses. This is not beneficial to you. You’ll have twice as much work and irritation and receive nothing in return.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-13T07:39:08+00:00

FDS doesn’t support moving in with boyfriends. You yourself said you feel uncertain and not ready. Always listen to your gut.

MissIncongruousNY · 2022-02-14T03:52:54+00:00

Can I just say, it’s 2022 and PhD are a dime a dozen. I have one. My ex has one. It is no guarantee for any amount of success. However, WHAT you get a PhD in totally matters. Not only that, in some disciplines, like the one I am in, PhD students are paid a stipend that covers housing and food if you are able to budget properly. If he isn’t being offered housing or isn’t receiving a stipend, I would caution you - do NOT move in with him. He will be acquiring debt that will take him decades to pay off if he is not careful.

BxGyrl416 · 2022-02-13T15:56:17+00:00

If you’re unsure, don’t until you are sure. You get to move to accompany him to support his goals. What are you getting out of it? Plus, I’m not into women moving in with men when there’s no ring or wedding date.

Colour_riot · 2022-02-13T17:15:43+00:00

I feel bad if I don’t move in with him. Why is that? Social conditioning? My independence is very important to me and moving in with a man feels restrictive.

Yup, yup and yup. Even if he's paying for the entire flat (doubt it), you don't want to be at his mercy.

And he’s 29! He’s getting his PhD and I’m an undergrad. Certain older individuals in my life have advised me to stay with him as he has a certain future; he will be very successful.

Sorry hun, but he's just getting a PhD, he's not inventing the next unicorn, and even if he was, success / resources means nothing unless he's committed to share that with you.

Is he even generous now? Because generosity is an attitude, not a function of resources. A generous poor person will still find something to share. A wealthy stingy ass will find a way not to.

Resources mean nothing if they're not shared. Men can boast about them all they like

ewokblubber · 2022-02-13T10:52:48+00:00

I was in more or less the same situation once- the only difference was that he was 24 and I was 20.

I didn't move.

This is my life now: In a few weeks, I'll be done with my PhD. I speak four languages. I am immensely professionally fulfilled. I have amazing friends. I date around a bit, mostly indeed men who are a 'better' fit than my boyfriend from back then, but I'm still not looking for a relationship actively. In fact, I've been free of serious relationships since I left him. This freedom was a choice. Life is pretty much amazing. I travelled to places I couldn't have gone with him, I did things I would have missed out on, and am now in my mid-twenties and feeling better than ever before in my life. Every night, I come home into a gorgeous flat full of antiques, and as I sit there with my late-night alcohol-free cocktail I mix myself every night, I overlook a beautiful city and think to myself 'bitch, life's good'. I have not a care in the world and am beholden to no one. I don't even have houseplants, just art, so if I want to go to fucking Cambodia or wherever I want to go tomorrow, I can do that without even having to find a plant sitter- and I have made use of that privilege a few times! In fact, I'm already eyeing a six-month research project in a faraway, warm, beautiful country.

I thank my lucky star every day that I didn't move for that guy. Every. Single. Day. He wanted to marry me, and if I had moved, I think I would have said yes after a year or two at the latest, and it would not have been a disaster, but it would have been a very, very different life.

He is married now, in fact, and looking at his wife's life is like a glance into an alternate life that could have been. And I am so, so glad it isn't mine. The woman he married has a bachelor's degree, and a good one! But she never went beyond that. She seems lovely and nice, but from what I know of her, she never travelled outside of Europe, where we live. She never spent longer than a few weeks abroad, she never saw the world the way I did. She never had that freedom, mostly because she seemingly got stuck supporting him in his very demanding work at the ripe old age of 23. 23-years-old and playing supportive sidekick. He indeed got very successful, they live in a lovely home, and the first kid on the way. You can tell she likes it, she seems happy and glowy and gorgeous and I wish her all the best, but I thank myself and the stars I am not her. I would have lost myself in that life. I was too young to play wifey. I still am.

If you feel called for something different, you probably are. Don't stifle it. You might like him- I certainly liked him!- but I promise you you'll like the woman you'll become more.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2022-02-13T14:22:30+00:00

Another person who didn’t read the handbook….

wolfshadow1995 · 2022-02-13T18:08:35+00:00

Good for you for being very self aware and not suppressing your uncertainty. I think moving to a whole new (and large) city with him is a big step as is. I would not disregard these feelings, because you know yourself better than anyone else!

How he responds to you will be very telling.

thewetdog_ · 2022-02-13T18:25:44+00:00

Read the handbook; Personal questions go on AskFDS.

Title	He wants to move in together
Author	PresentationPlus
Upvotes	252
Comments	78
Date	February 13, 2022 6:00 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/srbnj0/he_wants_to_move_in_together/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/he-wants-to-move-in-together.1100929 https://theredarchive.com/post/1100929

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