Does anyone want to actually reconcile?

OwnerAndMaster · 2023-02-20T03:10:12+00:00

Reconciliation is a joke in 80% of possible divorces

If YOU cheated or YOU filed for frivolous reasons like because you're just done with being married, the relationship can still be saved, and probably will be stronger, as long as you don't diminish yourself by begging for forgiveness

Regardless of what women say, biologically NOTHING makes them more attracted to a man than popularity with other women. If you can cheat on her, you can keep her. If you're not afraid to lose her, she's afraid to lose you

In any other case of divorce: Find someone with a reconciliation result that you want for yourself

I'll wait

I'll make it easy for you. There's a sub for this: r/AsOneAfterInfidelity

Go find me the post that you want your life to resemble

There's good reason "reconciliation is the fast track to being a cuck"

You cannot reconcile loss of respect while in the same relationship. It has to completely die and stay dead for years before you can even hope to restart and grow something where both you and she are satisfied

That's assuming there was zero cheating (that you found out about)

If you DID find out about cheating, not only does the relationship need to die for years, but you need to be outgoing and seen doing better with other women to get her to even think of you in a sexual way again

Women only pledge allegiance to a single man: the man they respect most. If she cheated on or left you for someone else, she lost all respect and desire for you already

Women don't like to "halfway cheat", they prefer completely abandoning their last man to get a better one, aka "monkey branching". The relationship's been over for way longer in her head than when she first cheated, let alone when she filed for divorce. You're trying to reconcile a relationship that's been dead for 8 months to her

Very few women are just signing up to be alone btw. If she's filing and you don't know the reason, no obvious cheating or weird circumstances like drug addiction, remember she always has a reason better than "i fell out of love / we grew apart". She at least has a target man in mind. So always treat her as if she's already cheated, because in her mind, she has

Here's an exercise: Put yourself in her shoes and imagine you're her waiting for Chad Thunderloins' text that he's gonna bring over some weed & turn your donut hole into a hallway, meanwhile your ex-wallet you don't even like and already cheated on is blowing your phone up & crying on their knees begging you to give them another chance for the ugly-ass kids or whatever? "Weak. Disgusting. Pitiable. Spineless. What a loser. Blocked. Why can't he find somebody else to bother? Stalker. I don't have to pay him any attention, if I need him he'll always be there waiting for me like the nobody he is. This is why Chad is so much better, he's a real man the one I should've married"

Now riddle me this as a man: why put yourself through the stress of chasing someone who is putting maximum effort into getting away from you? Who no longer feels anything for you? Who stopped taking you seriously months ago? Who already loves another man more than she's ever loved you?

Why - if you have the capability of being very successful with other women, and you probably have more than you know at age 35-50 - would you throw that away for a woman who has already shown she will have sex with other men knowing that's the most disrespectful thing she could ever do to you?

Nothing to gain except a headache

Sorry to the optimists but seriously, find good cases where the resulting relationships weren't plagued with further infidelity, trust issues, & other respect-related problems

Your first goal as a man isn't to be attached, it's to be respected. If she respects you, SHE will pursue the attachment. If she ever stops respecting you, sever any attachments you have to her and move forward. You'll be happier in the long run

When she's the one constantly trying to establish a relationship while you're evading it, you're doing it right. Let the women worry about reconciliation. You worry about your respect, your other options & your bank account

glassofwater05 · 2023-02-20T00:29:04+00:00

I do, but I don't want her desire to be negotiated. If she wants me, I'm am here for now. Not sure how long that will last. I am looking forward to getting some strange once we are living separately, so I can see a future without her.

She wanted the divorce, and while I can come up with 1,000 reasons why she sucks, I know in my heart she is a good catch. Others will come along, so the fear of being alone isn't the issue with me. There is just something about her voice, the color of her skin, and her sense of humor that draws me to her. There was no infidelity, and she was a virgin when I met her (really, she was, and I definitely was not). She is also the mother of my son, and we have been together for 18 years. The divorce is going to screw both of us financially so that's an added incentive.

I wish she would just wake up one day and realize that she is making a terrible mistake. Still. I know she won't, so I'm being realistic.

rhett342 · 2023-02-20T00:16:05+00:00

I still want to try. I said I'd love her until death do us part. I meant that. I just wish she did too.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-02-20T00:15:37+00:00

No, it's a pipe dream. I don't know of a single couple that have reconciled. Men and women work differently. When women are done....They are done. Let me guess....she asked for separation/divorce and moved out "temporarily." What do you think she is doing......Knitting blankets and going to bed at 8 pm? You are plan D while she is looking for A, B, and C. If a woman wants a divorce, give it to her. Now, that doesn't mean something won't happen years down the road (assuming she did not cheat, which many do). Having hope right now is a killer man. You'll be very disappointed in the end. I'm just saying what someone told me when those thoughts entered my mind. So glad i listened to him. Good luck bro.

dragonfly323 · 2023-02-19T22:33:12+00:00

I did and I thought we were on the way to reconciliation but my ex decided to cheat again.

AcrobaticStick2432 · 2023-02-19T22:43:55+00:00

I wanted, before the divorce, which she rushed like I had never seen her rushing anything prior. I think all of you guys know the reason or have some very educated guess 🤡

Actually, even a few months after finding what happened, I was still shocked and in denial. Lucky me she didn't try any moves, I was so vulnerable and needy I could have fallen for it, who knows. Guess what? I'm way better now. And better off without that bitch.

Plebe-Uchiha · 2023-02-20T03:53:19+00:00

There’s nothing to reconcile. She did what she did. I did what I did. We are on the same team, co-parenting. Anything else is irrelevant. I’m done chasing her. Done chasing her approval. I have my own life to live. Again, there is nothing to reconcile. I got my closure by myself. [+]

Grousers · 2023-02-20T00:53:05+00:00

I begged her to work it out, now I would rather take a stick in the eye.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-02-20T00:12:19+00:00

I think for most it is a chapter that is finished and it is on to the new chapter in your life.

I did see it work for one couple. The husband and wife were wealthy as a result of his income but they had a major problem between them over the control of the wealth/income. They divorced amicably in a state with no waiting period with an agreeable division of the assets and provisions for CS. The assets were large enough for income production to comfortably each of them. The divorce became final the day they filled.

They had children together and they coparented together well.

Because after the divorce they each controlled their own finances they no longer had this area of friction. They ended up getting married again after 3 years but they kept their income and assets totally separate.

david10277 · 2023-02-20T02:45:58+00:00

Takes 2 to reconcile my friend..2 emotional mature adults wanting to move forward with there lives for the sake of there financial ,emotional and spiritual healing.

That women you married and now divorcing may not meet those requirements.

Gravel-Road-99 · 2023-02-20T06:03:51+00:00

My stbx hit me, ignored me, sexually harassed me, insulted me, isolated me from friends and family, and mooched off of me for the better part of a decade. No. I do not want to go back. I tried for years to make it work until it finally clicked just how badly I was treated, and I left.

A lot of guys here seem to be on the flip side, their spouses left them out of the blue and many of them would happily reconcile, but that is likely not in the cards, and shouldn’t be anyway. No do-overs my dude. It didn’t work for a reason, no matter who’s at fault.

Alatornio · 2023-02-19T22:11:18+00:00

I did, but my spouse did not want to try. Looking back now, I am not sure it would work anyway.

I am happy to have a decent relationship with her though. Makes parenting easier. My situation is probably different than most. My spouse did not form any relationships after me. I know people will say yeah sure.... but she has not, and really neither have I. I dont know if I ever will.

Would I take her back now? I don't know. The damage to me is deep.

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-02-20T03:18:45+00:00

I have wanted to work it out

She has not

I still do

But at least now I know that she would have to show some effort and willingness to change

***only emotional affairs are a known-known

***I will probably never know the truth if she physically cheated or not. If I knew I wouldn’t want to reconcile and would have already filed.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-02-20T04:17:09+00:00

Reconciliation is pretty rare. Rarer so in this sub. In practice, reconciliation is usually a farce agreed to by the side that is actually done with the marriage in order to "let the other one down easy". Reconciliation has a decent chance when the breakdown of the marriage is caused by an acute event in an otherwise decent relationship. But in most other cases, reconciliation doesn't fix the marriage, it just prolongs it for whatever reasons.

My personal belief goes back to the disjointed grieving process. Parties are rarely in the same stage of grief over losing the marriage. If one party is already at acceptance when the other side just found out and is in denial - you can't reverse the process for the party that's "ahead" in the process. Seems to fit most cases.

CaliDude75 · 2023-02-20T04:37:06+00:00

I initially left the door cracked open for us to "talk things out" including the possibility of reconciliation, but she never took me up on it. As far as I'm concerned, it's over. No need to be nasty, but the reconciliation ship has sailed for me.

WeekThink · 2023-02-20T04:38:45+00:00

I did want to reconcile. We were 4 months into R and she kept crossing boundaries....long story short they aren't boundaries unless there are consequences. The last consequence I implemented was filing for divorce.

I honestly am happier now than I have been in a while. Yeah it sucks that she destroyed 17 years of marriage; but this is the reality my kid and I live in.

Reconciliation takes 2 people actively working to rebuild a relationship, and I am in control of 1 of those people.

I am responsible for setting boundaries and if someone doesn't respect them then they are choosing to not be a part of my life

polarshred · 2023-02-20T08:07:25+00:00

I'll love my stbx forever but she innitated divorce and her behavior in the process made it so that I will never reconcile.

warrior_up · 2023-02-20T22:34:07+00:00

Pathetically, yes at first - I was a lost little puppy. Now I realize how much of a gift I was given, I was being protected from something/someone that only wanted to see me suffer, fail, lose so she could feel better about her own misery

These_Row6066 · 2023-02-19T22:30:27+00:00

I do

pilotbrown16 · 2023-02-19T22:40:28+00:00

Tried. Wish I didn't waste my time.

Honestly, my daughter is better off now that I've cleared my head a year later.

And it's all to do with the healthy relationship I have with her around now.

Agitated-Fee-6497 · 2023-02-19T23:16:21+00:00

I wanted to but the misleading, false hopes I was given and then to fond out they were cheating along makes me want nothing to do with them because their credibility is gone....no kids so I can just stear clear. Maybe one day far from now things will be different but for now...no thanks.

azwildcat74 · 2023-02-20T00:05:49+00:00

I wanted to initially, she did not. I went through the fire and all of the BS and being on the other side of it all I am soooo much more happy, doing things I enjoy and loving life again.

Ok-Veterinarian-8075 · 2023-02-20T00:53:45+00:00

I tried to reconcile at her request for like 6 months and it just resulted in a bigger and longer dumpster fire.

so the answer is I didnt really want to reconcile but I was open to new perspectives and the possibility of change. I also value hard work and effort and it seemed like she was willing to do that with me. -> gave it a real good attempt -> made everything worse.

yosemitesam00 · 2023-02-20T01:48:18+00:00

Nope. Getting some space between us allowed the scales to fall from my eyes and I'm more set on seeing it through.

Ill_Atmosphere_414 · 2023-02-20T03:15:41+00:00

Found out while im overseas, been completely crushed for the last month but I'm still alive. Just for my 4 year old, that's the only thing keeping me going. Now I have to go back after 9 months when she's been cheating multiple times for the last 4 months. My heart and soul are crushed, 8 years down the shitter, through the thickest and thin. In a financial shit storm currently so that's cool. For a while I wanted to make things work and move past it, see the emotional damage I've done to her without realization, she uses that as the excuse to go out n cheat. I love her n she will always be the mother of my angel, but over the last couple days of minimizing interaction with her, lack of eating and sleep, feeling sick to my stomach has made me realize I can't get past the damage she's done to me. It's all I see, then I have to go back n cohabitate with her so that's great(not). So depending on the circumstances, love is always worth fighting for. But when they betray you like that, it's so hard to get by

sbarrowski · 2023-02-20T04:27:08+00:00

I tried for a few years to make positive changes in our marriage. I read books on how to be a better husband, sought advice from the newly or nearly divorced. When my wife got a good enough raise that she could afford her own condo, she abruptly left. We are in our mid 50s, so the kids are grown and she is looking for the lifestyle that most of her higher income friends enjoy. I lost my wife because I’m not a millionaire, but I’m better off not living with someone who is not happy unless she’s rich.

007--Chill · 2023-02-20T04:47:01+00:00

No for me! I seen I side that while going through this divorce. That showed me that she wish I was dead. I’m glad to take back my life.

Ok-Quality-9739 · 2023-02-20T05:27:24+00:00

I used to...so so bad. But all that love is now hate and clarity

monsterophicles · 2023-02-20T05:48:37+00:00

I'd be down for rebuilding something new with my ex. But I would have to take things slowly. She's done, so it doesn't matter.

Beamformer · 2023-02-20T06:04:27+00:00

Not anymore, I'm much better now. The first stage was the realization that all that was actually over long ago. The second is the promise of better things with better people.

I_got_BAnaNaS · 2023-02-20T10:00:50+00:00

I’ll quote an attorney I interviewed: “I believe in marriage- I’ve been married 26 years. But in my entire career I have found one thing to be true: by the time someone is sitting here in my office, it is over.”

If she wanted to work it out, she’d be going to couple’s counseling with you and would be actually trying to make it work.

I tried to work it out for the sake of the kids, but, as other people have mentioned, when a woman is done, she is done.

stent00 · 2023-02-20T18:07:30+00:00

All I can think is. EWwww

Ambitious-Cheetah-36 · 2023-02-20T21:05:50+00:00

I did, tried for almost 18 months of separation. But you can’t make your spouse want to stay

Addington_9 · 2023-02-20T21:28:40+00:00

I would love to reconcile with my soon to be ex wife. I have told her that prbly at least once per week. I still love everything thing about her and can not see my self or my life with out here

JonathanApple · 2023-02-20T02:48:43+00:00

Not if hell froze over and there were flying pigs too.

1Cobbler · 2023-02-20T03:06:56+00:00

I did initially, but as time wore on and emotions died down I realized what a horrible partner she had been for the last 5 years or so and now I wouldn't even save it with the perfect 'How to' guide and a time machine.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2023-02-20T03:46:27+00:00

When I filed for divorce, things were broken beyond repair. Both of us recognized that fact and minus a few skirmishes with DOR and family court, it has been pretty low key. There were years of shit on the pile.

Terrible wife at the end, but a reasonable coparent and relatively non-confrontational divorce. It’ll be nice when the CS is all over and done with.

007--Chill · 2023-02-20T07:12:19+00:00

X mean x out your life

Certain-Line-6351 · 2023-02-20T07:58:35+00:00

I still want to. I didn’t have a strong family unit growing up an an only child and now with one parent passed the family I made is all I have left. An if I don’t at least try to make it work I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

fishingforthought · 2023-02-20T13:59:56+00:00

I did at the beginning but realized later it would have ended in a divorce. Glad now I am free. I will never get married again.

FindingMyPrivates · 2023-02-20T15:16:07+00:00

So I actually tried this. Late 2021 is when my stbx walked away from the home. I’m gonna be honest here and I feel ashamed, I begged her to stay. I just put in my head it was all my fault and I need to change. Sold old home bought new one in 2022. All was good and took some trips with the kids. I did my best to change up the things she didn’t like. I started to notice how different she was with me.

October hits and I was feeling seriously neglected emotionally, physically and we were fighting all the time. I asked for it this time and she was angry as hell. Then I though about trying to fix it as I was seeing my oldest confused as hell. I also still cared about her. Queue me doing it all over again with the “I’ll change the things you don’t like”. It was pretty much hell. Everything was my fault or I wasn’t doing it right. No sign of physical intimacy. It all went crashing when I was with my dick out and she says she doesn’t want to. Then spews how she doesn’t want to try and doesn’t know why she agreed. I again said we probably shouldn’t be together if it’s like this. Eventually she apologized for what she said and said it wasn’t true. Still wanted divorce. I kinda tried this time to fix it but not really.

Negotiated desire never works. I should’ve ended this marriage the moment she hit me. I shouldve ended this marriage the moment she grabbed a knife and started to say she was going to end herself right next to my 1 year old. Or the constant habitual drunkenness. Never continue on. End it when it needs to end.

Lenten_Sausage · 2023-02-20T16:18:49+00:00

If my spouse dropped this nonsense she is pulling right now, and said I'm sorry, lets work it out. I would. As she was walking out with the kids a few weeks ago, I tried one last attempt to get her to stay and work things out.

euphramjsimpson · 2023-02-20T17:37:30+00:00

I never got a chance

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-02-21T12:43:22+00:00

The only reason she would want to come back is things didn’t work out with Guy she wanted to fuck more than you.

And if she was contemptuous if you before, imagine how she must really feel when you let her come back to the Nice Guy Simp.

Title	Does anyone want to actually reconcile?
Author	JoeSchmoe1456
Upvotes	24
Comments	64
Date	February 19, 2023 10:02 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/116pb3s/does_anyone_want_to_actually_reconcile/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/does-anyone-want-to-actually-reconcile.1152070 https://theredarchive.com/post/1152070

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