Dating during divorce?

SkeptiCynical · 2024-01-11T18:58:25+00:00

If you're in a no-fault state and there's no reason it would delay or derail the divorce, do what you want but keep it secret.

As many commenters below can confirm, you have no idea how quickly an "amicable" divorce can turn nuclear if your STBX finds out you're dating. It's guaranteed to turn into projection, accusations, police reports, withholding the kids, stonewalling and of course lawyer bills on top of lawyer bills on top of lawyer bills.

Again, do what you want. It will have no bearing on the divorce, legally. But don't publicize it. Delete all your socials, and for the love of god don't date anyone you both know. Don't introduce the kids until the divorce is done.

We're serious. Don't let her find out.

uptnogd · 2024-01-14T20:48:56+00:00

This may not be for everyone, depending on your location or preferences.

If you want some intimacy, go get a massage. If you want more sexual intimacy, find a happy ending massage place.

I dated for a short time during my separation. She was nice enough and had a lot in common. I broke it off because I found out I really need to be alone and heal/find myself.

This is my 2nd divorce, and this one is more emotionally difficult. I started dating her way too soon after the split of my first marriage.

Take time for yourself and kids. Stay off dating apps.

cashewnuts69 · 2024-01-12T20:39:02+00:00

It's good to open minded with the way we feel.

As an old fashioned lady, I'll take it one after the other but myself comes first.

52 (F) from Seattle😊😊

david10277 · 2024-01-12T15:51:07+00:00

The only thing a relationship is good for is building a family and raising your children

If you have done this all ready

Why do you need it ?

thenotknown2022 · 2024-01-12T13:51:04+00:00

the consensus on here would be with kids that age, not a good idea.

the consensus on here would be if living in the same house as your ex not a good idea.

If you had no kids or kids are over 16 and you just tell them hey im gonna start dating again, and you live in your own house or even better another city or state, and its no fault, I don't see why not. Especially if you wife initiated the divorce. Why let her control your life. If she goes nuclear so be it, she probably would go nuclear over something anyways if she is that type, the dating would just be the trigger. Block her and move on and do whatever you want.

FigureNatural · 2024-01-12T08:37:51+00:00

You are one of the rare guys here who is all sorted from the beginning itself, in fact who is quite upbeat about the separation. I don't know what did you do man to be at that mental state but your positivity is quite infectious. I sincerely hope you post more.

I can understand the absence of pain from moving out of a long term partner (my guess it's the confidence and availability of other partners) but how did you tackle your kids? How did you made sure that they are ok? Asking as I am in the similar (if not same) boat.

And for your question, my suggestion would be to wait until everything is sealed. People tend to get carried away in their confidence and excitement and life has the tendency to screw you up when you least expect. So, play it safe.

Cheers!!

keencone · 2024-01-12T01:03:44+00:00

I approached the whole thing as an educational exercise requiring detached amusement. My goal was to find stimulating chemistry and good sex, and also learn more about myself… re-aquainting with the game and how I stack-up in it has been a fruitful pursuit and led to some enjoyable moments.

dadplup · 2024-01-12T00:57:04+00:00

If you can't wait until after the divorce is finalize then definitely do not flaunt it, because although not illegal in no fault states it can sway the judge against you if it's brought up.

My ex tried to acuse me of cheating and abandonment, among other things don't turn your back on her until it's done and even then

Orthanon · 2024-01-12T00:31:09+00:00

I downloaded the apps 2 months ago but guess what, 95% of women in my area I don't want to date. So no point in the risk and app induced depression.

NewDay0110 · 2024-01-12T00:31:06+00:00

Go for it. The divorce process can take a long time to complete. Start building your new life now.

I'd suggest keeping that part of your life quarantined from your kids for at least a while though. The idea of mom and dad no longer being together is hard enough. They don't have to know about all the fun you are having.

justaguywadog · 2024-01-12T00:04:37+00:00

Hookers and blow a man's best friend

trollhammerx · 2024-01-11T23:16:08+00:00

If you get on the apps, there’s a high likelihood that you’ll get posted in “Are We Dating the Same Guy” Facebook group. And a high likelihood your STBX is in there and will discuss you. And none of that is good

outdoorfrk · 2024-01-11T22:59:43+00:00

I feel you my man!!!!

My opinion, wait till the paper work is signed sealed and delivered, then do whatever the fuck you want.

I say this cuz if you do something to irritate/piss your stbx off before the papers are completed, then she can still make ur life miserable.

You’ve waited this long. You can wait just a bit longer until ur outta the tunnel.

Just have patience until it’s officially over. Then ur free to do whatever you want to.

Good luck my dude.

Survival_Rate_Zero · 2024-01-11T22:56:18+00:00

Don't do it if you are in a state where you can be sued for an at fault divorce.

From Virginia here, during my divorce I initiated, and was pursuing a no fault divorce. I was somewhat like you I had been done in my mind for a while and eager to get on with my life.

Anyway when the soon to be ex found out I was dating she immediately found a lawyer who would file at fault for adultery, and if found guilty I would be on the hook for my lawyer fees and hers so I ended up having to agree to more in the settlement just to stop the bleeding. Suddenly a cheap divorce turned into a very expensive one, and mostly it was done out of spite.

No matter how amicable you think it is don't put yourself at risk.

I don't judges really care all that much for fault, it might sway them one way or the other when it comes to custody. But it significantly ramps up the lawyer fees.

Also if you have been married for 13 year take some time for yourself to re-discover who you really are. Focus on yourself and being the best dad you can be before jumping into anything serious.

david10277 · 2024-01-11T21:38:47+00:00

Dont date...its a waste of time

Your not healed yet.

Take a trip to thailand, costa rica and the other well known single destinations. Have fun

Spend some money and enjoy the girls there Get a recharge and clear your head .

Finish your divorce...dont date anyone

Hit the gym , get a dog ..don't date you are not emotionally ready for another women's problems

Mr_vmn005 · 2024-01-11T21:11:02+00:00

Based on my personal experience, I attempted to dive back into dating hastily, and it didn’t go well. Every person I met seemed promising at first, but they all ended up being disappointing. Although I’m in a relationship now, it happened naturally. I’ve known the current girl for over 20 years; we dated briefly after high school, but I was overseas in the military, and it didn’t work out then. Fast forward to last February/March, we started talking again. Over time, our conversations deepened, and one day, our past came up. We both realized we had always wondered what could have been between us. Now, we’re happily together, and our relationship exceeds expectations. I believe it’s because I didn’t actively seek it out or rush into it.

lifeisallihave · 2024-01-11T20:14:48+00:00

Bro, get the divorce out of the way, enjoy alone time, hobbies, new activities, meet new people and just be comfortable with being a single dad. The women will find you when you work on yourself, your daughters will be happy for you and also spend time with her. When it comes to daughters you wanna hear dad has a cool girlfriend or you can go the route where they will make her miserable. It's too soon like everyone is telling you.

smolderingcesspit · 2024-01-11T20:03:52+00:00

I started swiping about a week before we had the divorce talk. I chose to wait through the holidays to do the thing, but I couldn’t fucking stand being lonely anymore. I was decidedly out for ~5 weeks before we had the talk.

My STBX is angry that I’m getting a nicer house with nicer things - finding the happiness from things important to me. She would lose her shit if she found out I’m already dating / have been on a few….because it blindsided her, somehow.

domo_roboto · 2024-01-11T20:02:43+00:00

Not me man. The only date that I have is with the gym.

PickelPeechPickel · 2024-01-11T19:54:08+00:00

It sounds like you have your mind made up on what you want to do here. But, I’d say don’t pursue it, let something happen ‘organically’ (naturally). This has a higher likelihood of you finding something stable and compatible than hopping on some dating apps, etc. and hoping for the best while navigating all of the complexities of dissolving your marriage.

My wife was unfaithful many times and finally left me for her last affair partner. Despite her being the type of individual she is and what she was guilty of, when I started dating my partner, she’s done what she can to make things many times more difficult, including harassing my partner through social media. I swore I wouldn’t date for a very long time. But, I don’t regret anything in the slightest because my lady and I met in a support group for people who had been in relationships with abusive partners and we just…clicked. It was natural. I finally know what acceptance and real love is. We share the same goals and values, and we both know what we signed up for with each of us having sideways ex’s. She’s everything I want in a person. If I had jumped on some dating apps or forced something because I was focused on getting laid, I KNOW the drama would be incredibly worse from all directions. My relationship is stable and has forced me to do some serious personal growth that I really needed anyway. Fortunately, I have a partner willing to walk with me in that.

WHEN your stbx-wife discovers you’re dating, you want someone who is willing to and understands the shit show they’re going to walk in with you. Unless, of course, you don’t mind the drama… then go for it.

nemesis1313 · 2024-01-11T19:31:57+00:00

Funny u mentioned blowjob. I have consensus that women who dont give blowjobs will give you no sex during marriage. Got plenty of bjs until marriage and became sexless..

Marry a women who gives blowjobs and competent… dont make babies. Make your women work.

rhett342 · 2024-01-11T19:22:18+00:00

Define date.

Have an emotional connection and try to build a long-term relationship? You're not there mentally. Give it a year or so.

3 way with 2 models where you wonder if you'll die of dehydration? Have fun, but keep it quiet.

WildernessHuntin · 2024-01-11T19:02:59+00:00

It would be a mistake. That lack of intimacy sucks, a lot of men have had the same situation, me included. Many of the things already stated are true, could make her turn the divorce from amicable to revenge, its pretty brutal living with a spouse that is dating also, in fairness. Mostly I would say those are all just choices between two adults though.

Here is the real problem in my opinion. I was a child of divorce, my mother started dating before the divorce was even final. I can tell you I resented her for a long time for that. Kids neither understand, nor care about what issues parents have with each other,. They will typically see it as a betrayal if they find out you’re dating while married still and start to view you as the “reason” for the split. Don’t sacrifice your “happiness” forever for them, however giving them 6 months to a year or until you aren’t living together and can hide it better isn’t much of a sacrifice. I emphasized happiness because I think it’s better to seek personal contentment, but that is for you to decide. I will also note if you are living together you will not be able to hide it, kids are more aware than their parents think, ask me how I know.

boltmaker12 · 2024-01-11T18:59:42+00:00

If you can't learn to live with yourself again, how can you learn to live with someone else?

Dwro1234 · 2024-01-11T18:51:48+00:00

According to my attorney back in the day: no dating at all until you have the signature from the judge.

From my shrink back then: go be alone and work on yourself for at least one month for every year you've been married. Find yourself before finding someone else.

Apprehensive-Cost496 · 2024-01-11T18:37:53+00:00

You've already been starved as long as you have, go a few more months and get the D done and on to a new place or her out of the place 1st. You want that legal agreement in place and once you have it, she can twist in the wind without legal consequence to you. Just get across that finish line and then open up all the apps and go crazy after!

MartyMcFly7 · 2024-01-11T18:32:53+00:00

I did, while still living with the ex, even though most people advised against it.

We'd been married about 25 years and she'd lost all interest. I think I was starved for emotional and physical intimacy by that point, so I jumped at the opportunity.

In my experience, it did make things more difficult. Understandably, the ex was upset. Even though we were getting divorced, there's still some jealousy. I'd come home late at night and she'd do things like chainlock the door just to piss me off (claiming she needed to lock it to protect herself and the kids). She'd also tell the kids how I was seeing someone else, using them for emotional support and trying to make me look like the bad guy in the divorce.

I think it also led to her pushing to have me evicted, claiming I was "causing too much stress for her and the children." I fought the emergency order and won, but it added to the cost of the divorce. In fact, I think dating added to the overall cost of the divorce as well, as she tried every legal tactic to try and get back at me.

It was also difficult on the person I was dating. Mostly because I probably shared too much about the divorce and they got dragged into it. While it was therapeutic for me, it wasn't really fair to them. But, in my defense, I did suggest not doing anything beyond holding hands until the divorce was final (but that just turned me even more into "forbidden fruit," lol). That relationship lasted about 9 months (everyone says the rebounds don't last), but she wasn't what I was looking for in a long-term partner.

I'm sure my ex saw the breakup as personal vindication and validation of her decision to divorce ("No one else wants him either!"), so that kinda sucked. My ex even threatened to subpoena her if we went to trial (never happened).

That said, would I do it again? Fuck ya! I might do it a little differently, but life is short and I made some memories that will last forever. It wasn't all bad, and it helped me to get a lot out of my system before moving on to my next relationship.

I ended up meeting someone else a couple months after my ex finally moved out. I won't go into details, but I've definately had more action since deciding to divorce. I now live with the new GF (2-years together) and it's sooooo much better than living with the ex, on so many levels. The house always stays mine, my money stays mine, the sex is far better, and if things ever go south, it won't cost me a fortune to seaparate. So, 5-stars, would divorce again! But YMMV. :)

Expatriated_American · 2024-01-11T18:30:52+00:00

You totally can. The main thing is to be totally up-front with your intentions. And dating is expensive, so you want to be past “date of separation” so that you can’t be accused of spending marital assets on dating.

I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised about easy it is to date for a man in your 40s if you’re in shape and successful.

slow-motion-pearls · 2024-01-11T18:28:58+00:00

And I wouldn’t be surprised if she was cheating the entire year you weren’t getting any.

Feinixaway · 2024-01-11T18:20:48+00:00

"Seemingly amicable" could turn 180 degrees in no time, specially since you're just starting.

About dating, I was successful with 30/40 year old cougars but it was just sex. If you go to cougar bars and you'll get some action.

I did start dating but I realized I did not want any commitments.

Knave7575 · 2024-01-11T18:20:13+00:00

Just don’t let your ex or kids find out.

The danger is that it can turn an amicable divorce into a hotly contested divorce. That’s expensive. It might be cheaper just to hire an escort.

tragicaddiction · 2024-01-11T18:06:11+00:00

well the main thing is being up front with what you really want.

if you are just looking for a hookup, be upfront with that, that you are going through a divorce and that at this time in your life you are not looking for anything heavy.

if you do that, then say go at it.. just reflecting on what kind of person you want to be.. do you want to be the 40 year old guy going through a divorce hooking up with strangers on POF every week?

or casually dating a couple times a month?

either way it's whatever you want.. just be mindful.

I wouldn't seriously date for a while until all the fallout has happened and your new life is into a routine and you have had some time to figure out what the hell went wrong and what can be done differently so we don't fall into the same traps.

ciscokid12345 · 2024-01-11T17:55:55+00:00

The danger of dating quickly here is immediately attracting a younger copy of your current soon to be ex…

The best thing to do is first learn to be ok by yourself. Figure out who you are and what you enjoy now that you aren’t burdened by a female’s emotional baggage. I found that getting therapy was a real good investment in learning why I put up with such a shitty partner for so long.

When you’ve figured yourself out a bit and aren’t so needy, you will attract healthier women.

Imsosadsoveryverysad · 2024-01-11T17:53:33+00:00

I did it. Both she and I did

pagan_psychonaut · 2024-01-11T17:51:55+00:00

Yolo

jasoncb123 · 2024-01-11T17:42:10+00:00

Get an escort

Iwilltakeastab · 2024-01-11T17:35:44+00:00

I am doing it.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2024-01-11T17:32:09+00:00

If your wife finds out, your "amicable" relationship will sour very.....very quickly. Plus, depending on the state, it could give her grounds for adultery. You'd be a fool to date before your divorce is final.

captainchippsixx · 2024-01-11T17:30:10+00:00

Are you still living at the same house? If yes I would not. Unless she went on vacation with the kids while you were still working.

slow-motion-pearls · 2024-01-11T17:26:36+00:00

Wow I’m relating to this one hard. I’m not waiting personally, I’ve had intimacy with the future ex about a month ago (couldn’t even get it up the last time, seemed fitting)

Title	Dating during divorce?
Author	Become_Pneuma
Upvotes	24
Comments	78
Date	January 11, 2024 5:22 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/194713i/dating_during_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dating-during-divorce.1242734 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242734

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