I told her I wanted a divorce. It did not go how I expected

SlightlyOffended1984 · 2025-03-30T15:57:37+00:00

She doesn't want to be discarded - she wants to discard you instead. She is going to want you back only long enough to cheat and dump you. Typical pattern.

NC_Geezus · 2025-03-30T15:47:59+00:00

You caught her off-guard. She wants to get back to status quo so she can organize an exit plan. That’s my read.

Remember, a conversation is good, but the reasons you chose to have that conversation have not changed.

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-03-30T04:33:52+00:00

Maybe these guys know more than me, but a lot of people on Reddit are very bitter. I can say this. After divorce, you are going to have little to no sex (I was lucky and we still had sex up til the last month before divorce). I have found that I didn’t “need” sex like I thought I did. It was more codependency/validation-seeking on my part. Also, I really miss being able to see my kids everyday. My oldest still comes to see me even when it’s her week, but she kinda scolds him for it. It makes me feel good, but I don’t want his relationship with his mother to be any worse than she already makes it. Stonewalling is a problem, a big one, although common with women. She needs to work on that. Yes, she is probably willing to work it out because you were the one that brought it up. Rejection breeds obsession. But that’s kinda good because it might give her the wake up call she needs. I can say, the dating options out there are likely not as good as what you already have. A lot of bitter people in denial.

clvitte · 2025-03-30T01:24:25+00:00

I am living this

Dark_Tint · 2025-03-29T15:35:00+00:00

Dude you need to leave, rapidly. She’s going to give you just enough to drag you along until she’s got everything lined out. She’ll create the framework of an entire new life complete with a new man and then she’ll pull the plug on you and shove you out an airlock.

whoisgodiam · 2025-03-29T15:19:15+00:00

Is0prene · 2025-03-29T07:41:18+00:00

Dude get out of there fast. She's only saying she's gonna try to work on things because she is scared. Once she has figured out a way to move on with life without you she will hit the road without a second thought. That's how monkey branching works.

Shared custody isn't that bad. Don't get me wrong here... I have 3 kids and I love them to death! I can't wait for my first day with them when they get off the bus, all race each other up to me, and give me big hugs (50/50 week on week off). That doesn't mean I don't slightly celebrate inside just a little bit when I drop them off at school my last day with them and I get some me time to focus on myself.

I am remarried now to an amazing woman, I never knew what a real relationship could look like and be with someone that actually builds you up. But she has 2 kids of her own so we have blended a little bit and let me tell you... having days with my wife when all of our kids are gone with our exes is pretty damn awesome sometimes.

Yeah you won't be around your kids 24/7 anymore, but the times you are with them are 1000 times more impactful and you get time for yourself so its not all that bad.

SteveSan82 · 2025-03-29T05:26:46+00:00

You never show her your cards. Now she is likely talking to a lawyer and moving money around

ColdWarVet85 · 2025-03-29T02:08:55+00:00

I feel for you, man This happened to me in January laid it out after all this time years and years of domestic abuse, emotional mental cruelty, control, stressed, and I walk on eggshells, and totally miserable. I am no angel of course no one is, but I’m certainly not abusive and mean and yelling all the time and condescending and when we’re with others, make fun of me or talk down about my family, though hers is not much better. Anyway, she seemed all concerned and we talk quite a while same thing as you speak of. Hug me and said please don’t leave me. I’m going to Counseling. She’s going to Counseling very next day after she said that right back at her mean shit. I was first retired due layoff two years ago and part-time job since then she’s four years older than me. She’s retired and I’m on her insurance so I’m basically financially stuck finally got another full-time job again where I’m making the good money I made years ago getting my own benefits and planning my leave Yeah but like the others have said don’t tip your hand. I have two dogs and a grown adult daughter who I don’t want to hate me if I leave. Good luck to you brother.

redditrock56 · 2025-03-29T00:03:59+00:00

NEVER tip your hand when you are making a life changing decision.

Looking for a new job? You sure as fuck don't want to tell your co-workers or supervisors.

Getting a divorce? Your soon to be ex is the last person on Earth who should know this.

She's lulling you into complacency and making her moves.

Be careful.

steelgripphoenix · 2025-03-28T21:17:48+00:00

She's going to spend the next few months getting her ducks in a row and then leave you. In my opinion she just wasn't prepared and you caught her off guard.

AdWide1288 · 2025-03-28T20:23:29+00:00

You're just delaying the unevitable. The kids will be best in two loving homes than one full of tension. Keep talking to your therapist. And beware of the silver bullet tactics.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-03-28T19:36:27+00:00

Lawyer. Lawyer. Lawyer: You need a lawyer asap - even if you dont move forward you MUST educate yourself on things (custody, home, retirements, assets, debt, etc) Because you dropping divorce on her, even as a non-serious conversation - you cannot un ring this bell.

Why do you need a lawyer? Because you now must assume SHE is talking to a lawyer to protect herself and her interests.

Even if you don't realize it you've fired the first shot in a possible war and you need to haul your ass to an attorney consultation as soon as you are able (she does not need to know, get a new email/use someone elses phone) because you could possibly find yourself being served paperwork in the next few weeks.

As I like to say: Anyone considering or getting a divorce needs to get educated about being divorced or the process will eat them alive. You can jump out of a plane wearing a parachute and knowing how it works or try reading the instructions and then putting it on as you're falling.

ArizonaSpartan · 2025-03-28T19:27:37+00:00

Once divorce enters the conversation in a relationship it’s extremely difficult to avoid it. Even if it seems “resolved”, it will come back. I lived it. OP should file and move forward.

hazalo9 · 2025-03-28T18:52:57+00:00

I've been through this! She is thinking of how you had the courage to do it, now she will build it up. You know those fights and contempt that you both had in the past, it's about to get much worse from her and will become insufferable. If you feel you want to get divorced, choose that. Your kids will be better with you both separated than them seeing negative emotions. Start planning your finances and what you want from your marriage. Hopefully you can have an out of court mediator to facilitate it and save money. Good Luck Bro and take care!

Jburnmyass88 · 2025-03-28T18:40:24+00:00

"The hardest choices require the strongest wills."

You let her get into your mind, and she played you, OP. Is constant arguing and toxicity what you want your children to grow up believing to be normal between a husband and wife? If you know in your heart that divorce is the best choice, then you need to see it through.

Her attitude change is all the evidence you need to show that things aren't going to improve. So take the initiative and make it improve on your own terms.

FUMoney · 2025-03-28T18:12:26+00:00

The poster lacks the will — and the cajones — to follow through on what he knows must be done.

”I did it.” You did nothing other than the nonsense that previously failed. A “written prepared statement”? What is this, Question Time in the U.K. Parliamen?

And two hours of Real Housewives babblespeak. None of it will matter. He knows. We all know.

This lack of intestinal fortitude is precisely why so many men find themselves in utterly shit marriages, and lives. Just like the poster.

Mundane-Slip-4705 · 2025-03-28T17:39:09+00:00

I agree with the others. She said what she said to calm you down and lower your defenses. Now she's preparing her counter attack. She's going to get a better lawyer then you and probably win. Start watching the money and things around the house. She's going to start claiming stuff or misplacing things of yours so you don't have them. She'll probably set you up, trying to make you mad so she can call the Police on you so you get charged for DV. She's going to play along so she can get herself set up until you get served with divorce papers from her lawyer.

Congratulations... You played yourself.

Sam_N_Emmy · 2025-03-28T17:01:00+00:00

You’ve just given her notice of your plans. She’s cold because now she’s calculating her next move. My ex did this during separation. She’d do enough to guilt me into thinking things were okay, while prepping for her exit.

Thankfully I caught on and got ahead of her. It saved a lot of headaches.

If your wife was sincere she wouldn’t be cold and processing.

henrycatalina · 2025-03-28T16:47:08+00:00

Her judgment of you in her statement is all about her. From her perspective, she controlled the relationship. You didn't measure in the past, but she gives you points for progress. Cold now as she realizes a power shift. In my opinion, if she wanted to change, she'd act and not be passive-aggressive.

Significant_Idea_663 · 2025-03-28T16:27:59+00:00

You don’t have a choice. you said the word, therefore you must do it. whoever says it must do it.

you can do it now on your own terms and for the best outcome possible for everyone

or it can be done to you later in your darkest hour, and to no benefit of anyone

you will either go through it blazing and purifying at the end,

or screaming and crashing, the choice is yours, but never think you have not chosen.

and I hope you chose life, life is worth living.

Altruistic-Meal-9525 · 2025-03-28T16:04:28+00:00

A bad marriage is to be fixed or left, not stayed in.

So book marriage counseling, sit down and hash out exactly what needs to change and come up with a plan to change it. Be open to having to do work on yourself too, but be firm about the changes you need from her.

And then set a deadline in your head that no one else knows. And if you don't see real change by that deadline, leave for real.

I hope it works out and she steps up, but don't stay just because she "might".

Bumblebee56990 · 2025-03-28T15:49:49+00:00

Therapy is the next step if she’s serious.

DedInside_6 · 2025-03-28T15:27:45+00:00

It’s hard to say what’s going on in her head.

She may just be recognizing how little attraction she has left for you. She may be paralyzed by the recent talk. She may be conniving for the future split.

If you two get along well, may I suggest “divorce counseling”? I think helped it my SBXW and I to accept that neither of us is mostly to blame and how we go about things is important for our kids.

Or if you need to really figure out whether divorce, separation, or limited time marriage therapy with reevaluation is on the table, then first try Discernment Counseling. Usually less than 5 sessions.

Various counseling may have not helped my marriage, but it certainly is making for a very amicable divorce (so far).

THX1138-22 · 2025-03-28T15:01:47+00:00

"Processing"="strategizing and planning for the divorce". Sadly, any attempt you make at setting boundaries will be used by her, when she begins her smear campaign against you (saying bad things about you to the kids, family and your friends), and she will label them as examples of your "narcissistic behavior".

My general sense is that for any relationship to work, each partner needs to be internally happy. They need to have their own friends, their own activities, etc. If one person is unhappy due to work, etc., there is the risk that they will externalize their internal unhappiness and blame the marriage. This is a recipe for failure because no matter what the other spouse does, they cannot help their partner be internally happy. This is why most marriage counselling fails--it tries to fix the relationship when the problem is that one spouse is just unhappy with their life in general.

Lastly, is your wife going through menopause? https://news.sky.com/story/many-women-blame-menopause-for-marriage-problems-survey-says-12723405 Menopause can lead to a loss of empathy which can be devastating for relationships: "Neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, MD, discusses this in The Female Brain, writing, “She’s less interested in the nuances of emotions; she’s less concerned about keeping the peace...she’s less inclined to be as attentive to others’ personal needs....there’s a new reality brewing in [the brain], and it’s a take-no-prisoners view.” from https://www.joinmidi.com/post/menopause-anger

Camille_Toh · 2025-03-28T15:01:40+00:00

You posted a week ago about a similar conversation that happened two years ago, after she'd passive-aggressively sent you a TikTok about kids of divorced parents being happier. You had responded by bringing up divorce and she was like "LOL just kidding." And the pattern (go away!/come here!) continues. Like Pavlov's dog, similar past abuse and trauma keeps you coming back to try to 'make it right' this time. "It" meaning getting the love and acceptance you sought and needed from your parent or parents. I know, I have a mother who treated/treats me that way.

ChoppaBear · 2025-03-28T15:00:58+00:00

If you have a chance to get out, take it. You can find ways to make money. You only live once. Think about what life 2.0 could be like for you. Doors will open that you never thought possible. Do you want to spend many more years in an unhappy relationship or do you want to deal with a couple of terrible years dealing with your divorce with the very good chance of finding more happiness that you thought possible. Marriage is a prison and if you are able to get out of it do it now. Eventually you will be divorced. Would you rather give up however many more years dealing with her nonsense or do you want to take chance. I am separated from my wife. I am a recovering drug addict with bipolar disorder and have very little money. A year ago I went to rehab. Fast forward a year I am starting a new business while making enough to get by. I am in the best physical shape of my life. I am working my ass off. In 6 years my kids will be out of the house and I will have been single and building a business for those years. At that point I will be able to travel the world, meet other woman, make new friends, and have an entirely different life without any woman holding me down. Very few men are truly happy in their marriage. Maybe 5%. 50-60% get divorced. Then there are the lucky ones that escape while they still have many good years left.

BaronAnalytics · 2025-03-28T14:35:07+00:00

I experienced similar as a parent and as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst.

As a parent, I looked for every prospect or ray of sunshine to stay in a dead marriage. We did therapy. We occasionally tried to rekindle. I finally realized through therapy what I should have realized all along... she fundamentally wanted to be 'right' and be 'better' and had little interest to be a 'team'. After the 4th straight therapist asked her to stop treating therapy like a litigation instead of as a means for resolution, I realized she never would be my life partner. My lesson learned is that a guy should take necessary action to determine what he needs in a life partner and do what he needs to answer whether he has faith that his wife is that person.

As a CDFA, I would not encourage anyone to pursue divorce unless they are certain because of the steep emotional and financial cost of divorce. A common statistic is that the typical former spouse experiences a 77% drop in wealth compared to when married. On the other hand, I also would encourage proactively taking action to determine whether the marriage can be salvaged. Every year passed is another year of income-earning potential that is shared with the spouse and is not available to recover standards of living after divorce. I support a lot of 'grey divorces', and many women (especially former stay at home mothers) end in poor situations because most states are quite limited to whether and how they award alimony. Give yourself time to build your earnings through whatever means so you can be financially secure in retirement.

If you do pursue divorce and your wife is likely to focus of emotions and drama more than practical issues with the children and finances, consider a CDFA. One thing we do pretty well is to replace anecdotes and platitudes with objective quantitative evidence. Attorneys going back and forth about half-baked assertions can get costly. Stereotypes that men have unlimited financial opportunity can harm settlements. When screening for support, as 'in the past how have you....' questions of your attorneys and financial experts.

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2025-03-28T14:23:58+00:00

It just sounds like the unexpected idea of loosing you jarred her into a momentary respect for you... unless there's work done somewhere though she'll just revert.

If you are going to stay then go back to that conversation and set expectations. At a flat minimum I'd suggest:

* We must go on x number of dates a month

* Couples therapy to work on communication specifically

* SHE needs to start going to therapy

I've been there and done that along with most of the commenters here, unfortunately. "I'll do xyz different" great, show me. Force her to take actions to show she's serious, at a minimum.

You may (ok, almost certainly will) get told you are threatening her with divorce to force her to do things, and you'll be told you are being controlling and want to "change [her]." Personally, I'd just point out that you wanted to divorce the person she is, and she is the one who said she wanted to continue the marriage and this is what it'll take for you to continue. Point out she's choosing to either change how she treats you, or divorce, there's no other option.

Be willing to agree to actions she wants you to take as well, if you are really wanting to fix it.

It's worth asking yourself a serious question though... from the tone I read in your post I have doubts that you'll ever really want to be with her. If it doesn't matter what she does because you'll not let go of the past please just divorce her. Part of you probably doesn't want to be the"bad guy" here and be the one who ended the marriage - you need it to be HER FAULT it didn't work, but the real world just doesn't work like that, and honestly it doesn't matter who's fault it is in the end. The danger here is trading an unknown amount of time being unhappy for a much longer unknown amount of time being unhappy. You can't "win" here, you can only loose less/more. That's the reality of the situation.

Edit to add: the fact you didn't get laid after that conversation is worrisome. Typically after something like that there's a big push to resolidify the partnership, usually via sex... It just makes me worried what she actually felt was relief you felt the same but she wasn't "ready" to leave yet and needs time to get her stuff in order. She will absolutely be prepping for a divorce no matter what now - it's like telling your employer you are job hunting, they'll be planning your replacement - it's just good business.

Snicker-smasher · 2025-03-28T14:15:44+00:00

Once you've had this discussion with your spouse, the dynamic of the relationship is forever changed.

Staying for the kids can be done in separate households. The fact that she was cold with you the morning after shows that she was able to validate the way she had been feeling about your marriage for a while.

She may have had a hard time sleeping but I can tell you that she was definitely strategizing. How am I sure about this? It's very simple, if you guys have been fighting so much that you're tired of it then this tells you everything you need to know.

You better get off your ass and file first so that you can benefit from being the petitioner. I don't care what anybody else says about being the petitioner or the respondent. It does make a difference especially since there will be custody involved and you will be dealing with a system that is antiquated and still cleans towards the favor of the mother damn near all the time.

You have learn to listen to your gut instinct better as you move through this process.

Document everything.

Spared-No-Expense · 2025-03-28T14:01:13+00:00

This will end badly. No sex = lack of respect and attraction. My 2 guesses: she either briefly respected you when you showed the willingness to leave (which of course was short-lived), or she knew her ducks were not in a row yet, despite having thought about divorce herself.

TheCritic · 2025-03-28T14:01:12+00:00

In my relationship, I made a similar bargain. 15 years past the incidents we still live upstairs/downstairs. Last kid is out in 3 years. We will divorce then. I have always held out hope things would change, but they haven’t. If I had known it would end like this, I’m not sure i would have made this agreement. My fear is as it gets closer, what if she does change? That would just prove that people don’t change unless there is external motivation. Maybe if I had left 15 years ago things would have been better. Maybe found a forever person. Who knows.

If your marriage can be saved, save it. But if you accept the unacceptable in the process, you just shifted the problem from her to you.

deep66it2 · 2025-03-28T13:59:23+00:00

Ya done screwed up. Now that she knows, she'll adjust for her benefit. Hold on bucko and sleep with one eye open.

Analisandopessoas · 2025-03-28T13:54:46+00:00

If you choose to stay in this relationship, it has to be for yourself and not for the children. You deserve to be happy and from what you have said, you are not happy in your marriage. Good luck.

O12345678 · 2025-03-28T13:47:36+00:00

Be cautious. Mine pretended to feel bad and showed major "improvement" for about a year to the point where I decided to stay for my son and at the time unborn daughter. 6 years later, she's back to being just as nasty as she ever was.

Abject-Soup-2753 · 2025-03-28T13:46:52+00:00

Sounds like a lot of push-pull or hot&cold going on. Sometimes a lot of that is controlling behavior rather than loving behavior. I just want you to know that you don’t need her reassurance to be ok. You are ok, you are enough and you matter. Figure out what you want and need, set that boundary and STICK TO IT! Good luck.

ZoeManPierreTv · 2025-03-28T13:40:57+00:00

You should go head and divorce. Trust me the moment she want to divorce ain’t no changing her mind like she changed yours. Sooner the better

Title	I told her I wanted a divorce. It did not go how I expected
Author	ooohaname
Upvotes	71
Comments	90
Date	March 28, 2025 1:35 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jlv7wk/i_told_her_i_wanted_a_divorce_it_did_not_go_how_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-told-her-i-wanted-a-divorce-it-did-not-go-how-i.1547894 https://theredarchive.com/post/1547894

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