Men, what actually motivates you to be romantic towards a woman?

growframe · 2025-12-09T11:03:23+00:00

I just like making the person I love happy

Kingcrow33 · 2025-12-09T11:22:10+00:00

It is motivated by the effort the woman is putting in. Just like you would put less effort into a friendship where the other person puts in less effort.

Whiskeymyers75 · 2025-12-09T09:57:48+00:00

I could never have real long term romantic feelings towards somebody I’m not attracted to both physically and mentally.

Naebany · 2025-12-09T10:24:42+00:00

Sex.

Gravel_Roads · 2025-12-09T10:03:55+00:00

Many people don’t KNOW how to be romantic, so many men aren’t “choosing” not to be, so much as don’t know how.

Romance isn’t just about sexual attraction, it’s basically just where “thoughtfulness” meets “narrative”.

So there’s a lot of variation - ie, my partner loves lattes, so when they have a bad day, or if I walk past their favorite cafe, I always pick them up a latte and bring it to them, to make them happy by showing that I remember specific details about what they like and was thinking of them.

But I’m also romantic towards myself!

I’m a passionate artist, so going out on adventures and just soaking in cool new places is romantic, for me.

As for what inspires me… well, if I like someone, I tend to feel romantic towards them. Sometimes platonic, sure, but I don’t know why anyone would waste their time with friends they can’t love.

Otjahe · 2025-12-09T09:58:53+00:00

I’ve always been romantic in any relationship even if most were casual because it’s just how I was brought up I guess, I like being flirty and charming and using the old school romantic cliches if they’re harmless. Although now I’m in what I would say my first relationship with someone I want to be with indefinitely, and now I do it and want to do it because treating her like my princess makes me feel like her prince

WanabeInflatable · 2025-12-09T09:59:06+00:00

When I enjoy being romantic. This is internal motivation. Like which role I enjoy at the moment.

Reasonable_Mouse789 · 2025-12-09T09:59:34+00:00

Romantic in what way?

tonyghow · 2025-12-09T13:59:10+00:00

For me, romance is linked to physical attraction and magnified by personality.

The more attracted I am to the woman, the more romantic I behave (perhaps to my own detriment - obsessed/needy).

Here's a rough formula:

Rm = Aw + ( ( Pw + Rw ) * ( Am + C ) )

Rm = Amount of romantic gestures I make towards the woman.
Aw = How much the woman is physically attracted to me (and made obvious).
Pw = The woman's personality (peacefulness, respect, emotionally self regulated, etc...)
Rw = Romance the woman gives me.
Am = My physical attraction towards the woman.
C = Our mutual compatibility.

macdaddy0800 · 2025-12-09T15:39:45+00:00

She became a permanent member in my mixed sports team.

I saw her every week.

Thought she was a bitch, still do.

She would trigger me and do shit that was insolent, inconsiderate, brazen or bold. She is great at sports.

She is and always like this unapologetically.

Whenever she used to trigger me I started giving it back to her but as a man, I had to use tact, wit and timing. Had to balance dominance, dial down aggression, use wit and intellect to disarm her.

Whenever I addressed her bitchiness in either a trivial or amusing, funny way we started getting drawn to each other emotionally.

I started to enjoy her bitchiness and crave how she would startle me and I had to think lightning quick to put her in her place in a playful and flirty way.

She makes me feel amazing.

No_Self_2165 · 2025-12-09T10:02:37+00:00

It is a drive itself. Nothing feels as fulfilling as appreciating and making your beloved one happy.

Their smile, spark in their eyes, the feelings in their voice. It all worth it.

Until you understand that’s not what women actually want from a man.

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TheOneWhoThinketh · 2025-12-09T12:05:04+00:00

I've always seen romance as a dance. It's not a one-sided confession or some sort of token reward system but flirting and impressing a woman is enjoyable as an interactive experience where she clearly indicates that the romance is desired and effective.

I think the romance dies mutually. Men aren't as motivated to be romantic if their romantic gestures aren't appreciated or reciprocated. I think settling is a separate topic, but romance is a mutual interaction, distinct in its own right from friendship and sex but the bridge leading up from friendship to sex.

sunleafstone · 2025-12-09T12:14:40+00:00

If they’re interested in me and make an effort to like things I like or if the stuff they nerd out about are interesting or similar. I’m learning about psychology, I play video games, I watch anime, read manga and fiction books, and I learn Spanish on Duolingo for now

SecondEldenLord · 2025-12-09T12:32:21+00:00

If I see her affectionate towards me and complimenting me, I am sold and hers forever.

wtknight · 2025-12-09T13:02:32+00:00

Because I like being around her as a person as well as a lover and I desire for her to want to continue being around me as a person and a lover.

I want to understand whether romance is actually linked to attraction/interest, or if it’s more about personality, effort, or relationship stage

For me, it’s both. But unlike a lot of other men I’m not into casual sex or short-term sexual experiences.

BrainMarshal · 2025-12-09T13:04:18+00:00

If she is romantic to me then I'm romantic to her. I didn't get married until I met one of those rare types of women.

PoeticMoose619 · 2025-12-09T14:27:06+00:00

I'm almost always willing to do romantic gestures, such as writing poetry, remembering birthdays/anniversaries and buying gifts, cooking dinner for them, going on dates, or any other "couples" activities for a woman I'm interested in romantically.

It may not be on the first date, but I'm not one to shy away from romance if I have my heart set on a woman, and she has either reciprocated my expressed interest or been very overt in her own romantic intentions towards me.

Avanni24 · 2025-12-09T14:28:59+00:00

Mutual interest.

OkOutlandishness6370 · 2025-12-09T14:31:20+00:00

Honestly there is some degree of squeaky wheel gets the grease in this equation. Because, if a woman doesn't say anything about romance it will probably drop off my list of priorities somewhat.

Relationships seem to go through phases and this is how it looks from the male perspective

1 - You aren't cohabitating. Therefore the only context you see each other in is meeting up and either having fun, fucking, or both. Romance is automatic during this stage because it's the whole point of your arrangement.

2 - You ARE cohabitating. This is the point where woman gradually introduces a long list of demands. Do X more. Do Y less. Provide Z. Basically trying to turn you into an all purpose engine for improving her quality of life along every conceivable axis - material, financial, social, emotional etc.

At this point, you use what I call the emotional PAIN index (Proportion of Aural Instances of Nagging) to gauge where the woman wants your efforts in life to be distributed. Obviously you can't make her happy in every area - men have gone mad or caused catastrophic wars in the unhappy pursuit of that utter impossibility - but you CAN run around putting out fires.

Which fires to put out, though? Because the PAIN is now distributed along dozens of areas in which woman would like to see improvements made, one might naturally assume that her desire for romance has gone down. That's not the case. It's just hidden under dozens, hundreds, possibly even thousands of other complex, demanding needs.

For example, when having a baby or toddler, woman becomes chore-sexual, and demands man make life easier and less exhausting for her. What happens when he invests energy in this area? The need for romance resurfaces.

I call this the paradox of female unsatisfiability (PFU, also an acronym for Pretty Fucked up). Her desire for you to provide things never goes down in a given area regardless of how many areas she's demanding things in. I feel that a fundamental law of mathematics has somehow been violated here and we could potentially unlock infinite energy if we could get to the bottom of this phenemonon.

For example, what happens when the rate at which a woman develops new material/emotional needs becomes continuous? What happens when it becomes faster than continous? It's at this point that a sort of singularity, or tear in reality forms and the female subject immediately enters perimenopause or a midlife crisis and becomes not haaaaaaaaaaappy. At this point, feminity becomes terminal, a switch flips, and her husband's nebulous fate undergoes wave function collapse into certainty - to provide alimony while she "discovers herself" in the arms of some swarthy lothario in southern europe.

DGenerationMC · 2025-12-09T15:13:49+00:00

I actually give a shit about her as a person, which is super rare for me.

peaceful_pastry · 2025-12-09T15:30:30+00:00

If she’s interesting. I like hot chicks fine but if you’re not intellectually stimulating or our vibes are not aligned then I’d rather spend time with the less conventionally attractive woman with a personality.

N_Count_Council · 2025-12-09T18:39:31+00:00

Humility, playfulness and intelligence.

If she's entitled, big ick. No longer taking her seriously. If she can't be playful, we won't get along, she's too high strung for me. And if she's dumb, I won't be able to relate to her so that won't work either.

Of course this is also assuming I'm physically attracted to her.

SeemedGood · 2025-12-09T19:15:15+00:00

Attraction is very much a function of personality for men who are attractive to attractive women.

The things which do now and have always made me feel romantic towards my wife are her willingness to be “ride or die,” her appreciation of me for my being without regard to my utility to herself, her desire to be and being a fantastic mother to our children, and her ability to recognize that satisfaction of her wants is not the end goal of life and that they therefore should be subordinated to truth and principle.

The_Forgotten001 · 2025-12-10T00:14:44+00:00

Romance isn’t a reliable indicator of whether someone ‘settled.’ It’s way more complex than that.

Romantic behavior tends to follow four things:

1. Personality – Some people are expressive, some aren’t. 2. Skill/experience – Not everyone grew up seeing healthy affection modeled. 3. Relationship stage – Honeymoon energy fades, routine sets in. 4. Emotional safety – People stop being romantic when they feel unappreciated, disconnected, or stressed.

Attraction plays a role, sure — but it’s not the only or even the primary engine.

Plenty of people deeply love their partner but aren’t naturally romantic.

Likewise, some people shower others with romance early on even when they’re not actually compatible (love bombing, fantasy projection, etc.).

And honestly, the idea that ‘men only stop being romantic because they settled’ ignores the huge amount of men who:

• struggle to express emotion, • were taught that romance is ‘simping,’ • are worried gestures won’t be reciprocated, • have partners who don’t respond positively, • or simply don’t know what Romantic Maintenance™ looks like after year 2.

Romance is usually a skill, not a purity test of attraction. It rises when people feel connected, valued, and secure — and it drops when the relationship fundamentals erode.

So no, lack of romance ≠ automatically ‘settling.’ It often just means the couple hasn’t built (or maintained) the emotional ecosystem that keeps romance alive.

this-is-very · 2025-12-10T02:43:01+00:00

Having a crush, probably. But if it becomes a chore and reciprocity isn't that good, it can die down, together with the relationship.

MarioWilson122 · 2025-12-10T03:07:08+00:00

If she is actually very interested in me and Id say a great amount of personality, effort relationship stage & lifestyle. So a bunch of things have to come together just right, in order for it to make sense.

Commercial-Formal272 · 2025-12-10T04:01:28+00:00

If she appreciates and reciprocates the sentiment then romance is fun. If it's a thankless task or alternatively is the only way to "purchase" affection from her, then it feels like being exploited or compensated dating respectively.

Livid-Log7463 · 2025-12-10T05:32:50+00:00

I mean it’s obviously both attraction and interest (anyone is going to be more romantic for those they feel more romantically attracted to) and at the same time it’s also influenced by relationship stage because men are required to be romantic for a possible relationship in the first place whether it’s genuine or not.

Interesting_Ant9947 · 2025-12-10T22:13:15+00:00

There’s something magnetic about a woman looking at you with her complete attention and respect.

Compliments go much further with men than they do with women who hear more from both men and their female friends. Positive reinforcement. Good men constantly wish to be a hero for their wives//partners.

I think it’s very feminine and attractive if a woman says. “ I know you love me. You may not realize for me and many women these even small romantic gestures mean so much”

Interesting_Ant9947 · 2025-12-10T22:31:21+00:00

Men rarely if ever use the word “settled”. I hear that much more from women. Men find many women attractive and it’s the first bar.

Unless there’s something drastic physically that changed you can assume romance diminishing isn’t due to lack of attraction.

More likely it’s just gender dynamics. During dating women show lots of affection and very conscientious in showing appreciation Men feed off this positive reinforcement. I think couples just get into ruts waiting for the other to kickstart.

Men highly prize loyalty and respect. We value “showing up and doing without complaining” We tend to default to providing what we desire from our partners instead of providing gestures and emotional stimulation that most women desire and need.

James_M_Croft · 2025-12-11T13:48:09+00:00

Just liking her.

I will go out of my way to make others happy if they go out of their way to make me happy.

What odd question. I thought it was obvious. It applies to all relationships, not only romantic.

NuclearDoctrine · 2025-12-09T22:45:28+00:00

My “romance” is a direct measure of how completely she submits to being owned. Pretty, young, fertile, no tattoos, no stretch marks, and no screeching souvenir from another man’s dick is a starting standard. If she accepts the collar and the leash, plays the slave well, I’ll give her the fairy tale version she thinks she wants. Refuse, age, fatten, or breed for someone else first, and the flowers die overnight. She becomes furniture I don’t even bother to look at while I fuck, just something to occasionally use the until I throw it out.

Title	Men, what actually motivates you to be romantic towards a woman?
Author	Prior-Impression-871
Upvotes	6
Comments	87
Date	December 9, 2025 9:50 AM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1pi3i3w/men_what_actually_motivates_you_to_be_romantic/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/men-what-actually-motivates-you-to-be-romantic.1568416 https://theredarchive.com/post/1568416

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