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[–]gutsandgoreyFDS Newbie563 points564 points565 points 3 years ago (25 children) | Copy Link
Just fucking say it then. Oh wait, if you're honest with a girl and let her know that you're just using her for sex because you don't respect her, she won't fuck you. Can't jeopardize getting your peepee wet.
[–]tonha_da_pamonhaFDS Apprentice197 points198 points199 points 3 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Here's the thing though, if you aren't on the same page STOP TRYING TO MAKE HIM. You're wasting your time and energy on the wrong guy. I know most of us have spent far too much time, YEARS even, trying to get a man to commit and be who we think he should be towards us. We wait for them to treat us the way we yearn for, so much so that even a little crumb of affection has us floating on a cloud of ecstasy. Being a pickmeisha is exactly like this. Its an addictive hole.
[–]plembbFDS Disciple63 points64 points65 points 3 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
This is it. We all know the true nature of men with the help of the FDS handbook. Sure men are trash, but we have to stop blaming our problems on men - we are smarter than that now. If you keep letting them do this shit to you, then you’re the one to blame. Ladies, stop putting up with it. If you cut them off at the first red flag then you won’t be in these types of situations.
[–]Booty_HairFDS Newbie25 points26 points27 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yup. I now make it a point to confirm what we’re both looking for on the first date. Any sign of wishy-washy hesitation from him, or “oh I don’t know...I’m just seeing where it goes.” Peace. I’m out. I value my time more than I value trying to convince a man he ought to look for a relationship with me. HVM know what they want. LVM do not.
[–]HhjjuuyFDS Apprentice5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
How do you do this without spelling out your own objective?
[–]ifragbunniezFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes. How do you get them to show their hand first?
[–]tonha_da_pamonhaFDS Apprentice10 points11 points12 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Amen! 👏🏼
[–]ScandikandiFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Exactly, we have to take responsibility for allowing it. It takes two to tango.
[–]whenthecagedbirdsingFDS Newbie144 points145 points146 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is the sad sad truth. I hate how they take advantage of people like that.
[–]bigtoebigtoeFDS Apprentice107 points108 points109 points 3 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link
I don't understand that. Like there are women who want just sex. Why not find one of them instead of deceiving one who doesn't???
[–]catspajatsFDS Newbie118 points119 points120 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
She might be having sex with other men, and they can’t have that. Doesn’t give the same ego stroke.
Just got out of a situation like this and I’m pretty sure he got off on how much I clearly wanted a relationship with him. :/
[–]itisbetterwithbutterFDS Newbie17 points18 points19 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That’s exactly right. They want the ego boost that you are pining for them even when they string you along. What power they think they have! Ugh, it’s actually pathetic.
[–]FitncurlyFDS Apprentice39 points40 points41 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m so sorry; you’re off to better things now.
[–]HuntscuntFDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
So real. I just had the opposite, where I just wanted a quarantine FWB and when I told him I didn't think you should assume your exclusive with someone until you actually talk about it, and he immediately dropped me! Men are such babies about their double standards....
[+][deleted] 3 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
[deleted]
[–]miwamusFDS Newbie34 points35 points36 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I believe that transparency does not work with men. I got out of a long relationship and was not looking to get back into one. I learned that I had to tell men that I wanted a relationship. It's a game they're used to playing. They're deeply insecure inside and need to have their ego stroked and think that they are in control of the situation.
[–][deleted] 27 points28 points29 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Huh. This is probably why I have had trouble finding casual flings when I was openly looking for casual situations and why I had no trouble at all when I was looking for a relationship. Fucking weird.
[–]miwamusFDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yup. It's hard as hell. Most men can't handle it.
[–]HhjjuuyFDS Apprentice23 points24 points25 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
"Convincing" a woman to sleep with them is part of what gets a lot of men off. If a woman freely wants to sleep with them they're not interested. It's rape culture and they think it's fine.
It goes beyond sexual as well tbh. If a woman is upfront about wanting something casual they try to lock it down into an exclusive situationship and are prone to throwing tantrums if they're not getting enough attention from her. Can't wait for the day that men learn some self-awareness and start addressing their socialization under the patriarchy on a large scale!
[–]azngirl7689At-Risk Pick Me Youth9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Duper’s delight
[–]throwthisawayred3FDS Newbie20 points21 points22 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
and they fully know it too. this one guy last year bait-and-switched me and it's taken me a full year to come to terms with the fact that he just didn't respect me as he only wanted sex. he pulled a fast one on me and i'm still coming to terms with it cuz he was so charming. (also a slick-talking polyam lawyer. can i get a UGH)
[–]seashellseashell52FDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This.
:(
[–]AnniaTFDS Disciple130 points131 points132 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I always add them saying "with you" in my mind. If a guy wants a relationship with a woman he'll make it happen no matter what, simple as that.
[–]dkarmFDS Newbie39 points40 points41 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is a good reason to follow the rule of waiting to see if they’re high quality/invested in you before you become a “girlfriend” or have sex. If they’re not interested enough to wait or invest time in you, they’ll walk. Sucks but then you’re not a toy to play with while they’re waiting for “the one.”
[–]IrateBraceFaceFDS Newbie27 points28 points29 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I got told he's not over his ex and then is seen with a whole different girl a couple weeks later. Worst thing is that he probably tried to rekindle with his ex and she wouldn't have it 😅
[–]eng2flyFDS Newbie[S] 20 points21 points22 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Girl same. I got told he wasn’t ready for a relationship then he starts dating me out of convenience not because he wanted me. He breaks up with me and marries dream girl in 3 months 😅
[–][deleted] 27 points28 points29 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I've often thought about how I'd feel if I was the woman he chose to commit to after he led on a bunch of women in FWB-type relationships.
I'd drop his ass so fast if I found out while we were dating. Guys having past FWB relationships are walking red flags in my experience. No guy who is actually an empathetic, genuinely kind human being is going to have multiple FWB-type situations with women.
So ladies, if you were in a FWB type situation with a guy and he didn't commit, don't be so hard on yourself by telling yourself you weren't good enough. He's a POS human and that's that.
[–]sweetpotatocupcakeFDS Newbie10 points11 points12 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Thank you for saying this. I really appreciate it. I keep beating myself up about the situationship I was in for like 3 years (which looking back was a FWB with me giving like all the emotional labor). It's so hard not to blame yourself. So I'm saving your comment :) thank you again.
[–][deleted] 7 points8 points9 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah... I mean I actually don't like posts like this because it implies that men are these kings who choose The One among a sea of women to elevate to "girlfriend" and he didn't choose you because you weren't good enough.
It's all bullshit. Really. I've met guys like this and they usually have the most miserable girlfriends/wives when they eventually do decide to commit.
[–]harrohamtaroFDS Newbie61 points62 points63 points 3 years ago (44 children) | Copy Link
I don’t understand how and why tf they can get attached in two weeks though.
[–]dee-veeFDS Newbie71 points72 points73 points 3 years ago* (11 children) | Copy Link
I don’t understand men. Do they have an image of what they want their gf to look like... And once they find her , they attribute all these good qualities to her and convince themselves that she’s the one? If that is — i gotta just step up my looks game 🤡 2 weeks seems so fast
[–]somegenerichandleFDS Newbie38 points39 points40 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
They fall in love with their fantasy of the person. The less they know the better.
[–]ifragbunniezFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Hm is that why I have a history of getting relationtrapped with emotionally unavailable men? Lie about ability to meet my standards and then hide all LVm behavior so we don’t know how NVM they may actually be?
Makes sense. If you don’t share anything you always seem deep when you finally open your mouth i suppose. How stoic of them.
[–]somegenerichandleFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
maybe. I am convinced some men want a relationship with a sockpuppet, meaning women are just gloves/meat suits to symbolize their imaginary other half.
[–]SpentHis_MilfMoneyFDS Newbie56 points57 points58 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think they are looking for women who will not challenge them. I reflect on the plethora of married and attached dudes that have hit on me over the years. Very few admitted their greed; most had an excuse relating to the woman being this or that but not sexual enough. Ok...she was a super tigress all the prev time and once wedding day hit--poof!???? No action?
Nah.
I assume men go looking for a type of woman he knows he can keep at home (and who also will forgive him if the expose happens) while he chases is sexual fantasies with others.
That is why the fast marriage seems to occur after a breakup with another lady. he finally got one he can run the game on and not have any real friction.
My 15 cents on the matter. :-/
I am keen to believe this occurs quite often as well.
[–]catspajatsFDS Newbie42 points43 points44 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think you’re right, but I don’t think it’s just about looks. I’m convinced the guy I just got out of a situationship with had the whole damn package already built in his mind - what she would look like but also her career, her hobbies, her five year plan. I’m pretty sure he had the template of a girl and has been looking for one to fit his box. Pretty fucking gross.
Or maybe I’m just bitter that he “didn’t want a relationship (with me).”
[–]Aletheia913 points14 points15 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A good friend of mine says he's gonna marry a tall, blonde Russian and that's it. He only (!) got into a relationship with his last girlfriend because she fit that criteria. He's a good guy otherwise but that's just repulsive. I guess you just can't help some people...
[–]ceramicunicornFDS Disciple14 points15 points16 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It depends on the guy. Like someone said below, some have a whole resume fleshed out in their heads. In the case of my ex, it was about a certain look (short, tiny body), being generally unchallenging in her opinions, and capable of/willing to make him babies. He doesn’t really care about hobbies, background or intelligence. If those factors are in place, all of the posturing about behaviors he talks a big game about not standing for (like the rigid standards he applied to me, or her having poor taste in music/no interest in sports) goes right out the window...I have watched him embarrass himself, acting like a simpering fool because a woman was an attractive future potential incubator in his mind, as they pulled shit on him I wouldn’t have dared to.
It’s not unique to him though. I’ve witnessed other guys 100% backpedal on what they claim to stand for, if the woman offers a perceived status upgrade.
[–]robotdevilhands12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I don’t know what it is, but experience has shown me that it’s easier for men to grow on women than the other way around.
Many men I have been in relationships with seemed to know from our first interactions that they wanted me to be their girlfriend. Other guys pursued me aggressively, but obviously just for fun. And many, many more were just always friends. Not “friend zoned,” but true friends. Even if we messed around, that never changed, which I found to be very nice.
When I met my husband, I had this odd feeling: “This guy acts like he wants to marry me...”
I agree that if a man wants you, he will not equivocate.
Great verb! Equivocate was absolutely a word I didn’t know I needed in my vocabulary. Thank you.
[–]smittydoodleFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My ex did this. He started dating someone 9 years younger than him... he didn't care for how much I said no to him.
[–]Rough-TreeFDS Newbie40 points41 points42 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Men vet and size you up immediately whether you're the person he wants to marry or a hole he'll just fuck until he finds the person he wants to marry. It's a unconscious fallacy among women that he just needs a woman's time and effort and she needs to prove herself to him. That's why women wait a long time for a man, five, ten, forever years.
[–]KimpracticalFDS Newbie38 points39 points40 points 3 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
It’s the same reasoning for why they decide they are not into you even though they didn’t give it a chance to get to know you at all yet. They decide within days, or within minutes sometimes, that they aren’t into you. For me it’s takes a lot longer than that to vet someone. Does it make sense? No. Do men ever make sense? No. I stopped trying to figure it out, I’m okay being single
Edit: they also don’t take anything seriously. Not much thought is put into major life decisions, so we are left very confused as to why they do what they do
[–]throwawayneverminditFDS Disciple35 points36 points37 points 3 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
They don't really. "Attachments" that form that quickly/circumstantially can dissolve just as quickly/circumstantially as they came about. You cannot form a deep attachment to someone in a rapidfire way. It doesn't work that way for anyone. Real love and healthy attachment are predicated on understanding a person, and that takes time.
But men have dumber ideas about what things like "love" and "attachment" even are, which they use to make decisions on a more superficial/circumstantial basis. That's why you get research telling you that men fall into and out of "love" more quickly than women do.
They don't. What a lot of men call "love" simply isn't something most women would understand as real love at all, and that's why it's so easy-come easy-go for them.
I've had what is described in OP happen to me but it seemed clear at the time that it wasn't really about me, or about her, or about how we compared/differences between us.
It was about two things:
A lot of the time when men have one of these epiphanies/mood changes, instead of trying to modify the dynamic with women they already have in their lives, they'll jettison what's there and go for a blank slate approach. In a way it helps them to dodge accountability: they can pretend the woman made all the difference instead of squaring with their internal inconsistencies, and they can try and institute their lifestyle change without having to go back and make amends for prior mistakes.
[–]harrohamtaroFDS Newbie14 points15 points16 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Whoa. Thanks for the enlightening explanation. It makes a lot of sense. Younger me couldn’t understand why Mr Big refused to commit to Carrie but married a random standoffish woman within a few months of the breakup.
[–]ceramicunicornFDS Disciple7 points8 points9 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Wow wow wow this is SO on point. It should be its own post.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This is the best comment I have ever read. I’m saving this.
[–]BusinessPrint1FDS Newbie15 points16 points17 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This exact scenario happened to me word for word, and I'm still baffled because he seemed so avoidant and emotionally closed off
[–]data_jFDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Just because he found some other chick doesn't mean that with her he's any less emotionally unavailable, avoidant or frustrating to be around.
[–]ms_monquisFDS Disciple10 points11 points12 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He probably isn’t attached in 2 weeks, he’s playing the BF role to get what he wants. In fact, in 2 weeks they are BOTH playing bf/gf roles. He’s just going to “try harder” with the new one.
[–]PR0N0IAFDS Newbie17 points18 points19 points 3 years ago (21 children) | Copy Link
My HVM husband and I went from first date to a relationship in about 2 weeks. He was looking for a potential wife though (said so on our first date as I was a little younger than him and looked even younger than I was (especially with how I did my makeup that day in a natural look) so he wanted to make sure I was on the same page) & not screwing around— he also committed well before sex was on the table & was willing to potentially wait until marriage.
[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️30 points31 points32 points 3 years ago (20 children) | Copy Link
This is going to sound stupid but I have no idea how to "do" relationships without offering sex. Idk if it's me doing this to myself by being a pickmeisha but idk how to value me more and still be chased.
I'd like advice but please be kind I've been pretty severely abused and had my self worth denigrated and don't know if that's my own fault or if I'm just inherently worthless and will never get an opportunity like this.
[–]jeanneeebeanneeeFDS Apprentice40 points41 points42 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
First of all, you are not inherently worthless. There is simply no merit to that idea. You have value as a person and as a potential relationship partner. The abuse you have suffered has damaged your sense of self worth, but you still deserve to be happy and be treated well in relationships.
The strategy here requires a mindset shift. The idea is not to do whatever you need to do to get a relationship. The idea is to maintain your boundaries regardless of whether it makes the man want a relationship with you. It's about HIM making YOU want a relationship with HIM. If he can't or won't respect your boundaries - whether that's waiting for a certain amount of time before sex, or waiting until he has demonstrated commitment - then he's not relationship material. He needs to be offering you what you need in order for the relationship to move forward. You offering him what he needs is secondary. That's what your mindset needs to be.
Also need to keep in mind that yes, HVM are rare. You must not go into every new situation thinking that he could be the one. That leads to making excuses for shitty treatment. If you aren't already pursuing it, therapy can be a very effective tool for healing trauma from your past and preventing it from allowing you to accept more abuse because you think you deserve it. Love and luck sis. ❤
[–]HealthierOverseasFDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points 3 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link
There will be people here with much better advice than mine, but I will just say this: you need to be happy and satisfied with yourself first. That’s it. That’s the whole secret to self-worth. The actual achievement of this is the hard part.
Your lack thereof is leading you to try and seek it externally. You want someone to validate you, and you’ll do whatever they need in desperation of that. Just describing yourself as “worthless” in your comment is evidence enough. I doubt you’re actually worthless, but you need to believe that yourself first. It won’t help if a stranger on the internet says so.
I will tell you as someone with a lot of self-confidence, it is easy for me to have high standards and hold to them — because I value myself beyond any external validation. My happiness and self-worth comes from inside me: who I am, what I’ve accomplished. The lives I’ve touched. I have much to be proud of.
I know that I am a damn catch, and (as someone who has been treated poorly in the past), I won’t tolerate LVM. I’m also not afraid of being single/alone, as I have a great support network and am not lonely.
I don’t have any good advice for how you get to this point, but until you can derive your own value internally, not externally, you will always have pickmeisha tendencies. There’s a trite but true adage: if you aren’t happy alone, you won’t be any happier in a couple.
[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago* (11 children) | Copy Link
Yeah, I have no one. My bpd mom alienated me from my family and turned them against me. I just kept busy before but quarantining alone has nearly crushed my will to even live. I can keep going knowing this isn't forever and I'll be able to get back to work and have human interaction again. But the blaring "no one loves me" aspect of my life isn't something I see an end of the tunnel to since no one ever has loved me. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I should have been grateful to be abused by my ex because at least he tolerated my presence which I'm perceiving as unbearable.
Hearing "if you can't be happy alone no one will ever love you" is a dark prophecy. Like I'm unworthy for observing my surroundings and having feelings about them. Like should I just lie to myself about it? How am I supposed to believe it when all the evidence says otherwise?
Idk. I know it leaves me vunerable to people treating me badly and my not realizing it or thinking I deserve it. All I'm doing is my best. I take care of myself but humans are a social animal and I'm caged in isolation with nothing but my PTSD and thoughts about what I did to deserve solitary confinement & failed at getting anyone to love me for 2.5 decades for company.
[–]HealthierOverseasFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
if you can't be happy alone no one will ever love you
Hmm, that’s not exactly what I said though, is it? I am sorry if you took it that way, but that is not at all my point. Of course people will still love you, everyone is worthy of love — but you asked how to not be a pickmeisha. I gave you my thoughts.
Your situation is really rough though, and probably beyond the tailored focus of FDS; I hope you can find a solid support network and maybe look at therapy if you can. There is a lot to unpack here! An endorphin hit from a new relationship might feel good initially, but it sounds like you’re using that as a bandaid on a much bigger issue. In the long run, being happy with yourself and knowing that you are worthy of love and support is a much better foundation for a happier future.
[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
It's paraphrasing. Is there a hidden other message? I'm not trying to be obtuse I apologize if I seem antagonistic.
I already do therapy and my therapist has also told me that no one can love me until I do.
I want a support system. This is why I am heart broken. I have no idea how to be worthy of one.
Honestly I clung to my abusive relationship for 3 years, it wasn't the excitement endorphins. It was the validation that someone could tolerate me. I felt more complete than I do alone in the world. Him turning out to never have loved me was just confirmation that I am unworthy of building a support system.
[–]FluffandRaincloudsRuthless Strategist6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
It sounds like you took a crappy platitude to heart, and I'm sorry. You do need a support system. Everyone needs friends of differing closeness IMO. I'm so glad you have your therapist, but I hope they understand "being happy alone" means without a partner, not without literally ANYONE.
You can find people who value your company, not just tolerate you!. You can find a good support system of girl friends through hobbies, online, and other methods IMO. Have you tried Meetup.com (the online part), Bumble BFF, or maybe even a support group for PTSD? What about even trying a codependents anonymous? Religious study? Anything?
[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I might try an app! I never have before besides for dating which I genuinely hate. But finding girlfriends sounds more pleasant than swimming through a sea of douchebags and dick pics. I do actually have 2 good friends and 2 okay friends but I'm not trying to overwhelm them by constantly making my presence known. It is providing the social interaction of a couple texts a week.
I wish I had a roomate or something because it's just the days and days alone I end up hyper focusing on how I have failed at making a family & the flaws within myself that I can change to make someone willing to tolerate me talking to them on a daily basis. Maybe if I just had more okay/good friends I could just keep myself from spiraling in isolation and have someone to talk to daily. It's not being loved but it's not being alone either.
[–]sanguine_dualityFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Find a passion! I’m a loner and former pickmeisha who’s had a hard time with dating and socializing. I also come from an abusive background and I’ve been in therapy for years.
I’m not fully healed yet, but my self worth and self love increased tremendously when I found hobbies and dedicated time to them. I built consistency with myself, slowly and over a period of time. Seeing the results of my work is very gratifying for me and helped me to “see my value” a bit more. Learn something new everyday and create something with your time, commit to a passion/ hobbie/ self improvement.
Find something that makes sense to you, something that you like. I tried hobbies in the past to be the “cool girl” for some man...nah. Find little things just for you. And, most of all, be patient and compassionate with yourself. You have inherent value as a person, specially as a woman. You are human and you’re prone to make mistakes like everyone else, forgive yourself. Every new is a clean canvas that you can paint on. Meditate, journal and cultivate good relationships with trustworthy and respectful people. You have to vet friends too.
[–]FluffandRaincloudsRuthless Strategist2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Darling, you can make a family with a "found family." That is a family IMO. A bunch of close friends who love each other, even without the tradition of blood-relation, is 100% legitimate. Single women who adopt or use fertility specialist services, etc.? Boom, a family. You cannot control other people. It's not your fault if you cannot find a HVM to create a nuclear family at this point. Is it possible? Sure! But if it doesn't happen, remember it is not your fault. This sub would not exist if our dominant culture wasn't so unhealthy and if there wasn't a widespread problem with bigoted attitudes toward women. Even if you don't believe me in this moment, pleasese try to repeat the phrase "I'm worthy of love." Even better if you write it on paper and/or say it in the mirror. You got this <3
[–]lemur00FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
It's not that no one is able to love you until you love yourself, the meaning of the phrase is that you (general) won't accept love from others if you see yourself as not worth loving. You'll always discount the positive and everything others say they love about you until you see you are loveable. It's not about becoming worthy either, it's about accepting that by nature you inherently already are.
Another way of saying it is that if you don't love yourself you'll always feel unloved and abandoned with others regardless of how they feel or act because you've already been abandoned by the person who's support you need the most, ie you. Others can love you, but they can't give you what you really need.
[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I guess I don't understand in the big scheme of things. I can see how my doubts could spoil certain would be sweet moments, but I wouldn't be alone.
If I am worthy of love then why is it that I am alone?
[–]spiritswithoutFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You have a lot to deal with and I'm certainly unqualified for most of it. But here is advice for one small thing you can try to do to start turning yourself around. Look back at your posts and how much you apologize or discredit yourself. Don't do that. Online is a great place to practice not doing that. Write your responses out then edit the negativity towards yourself. Don't apologize in advance, don't insult your own intelligence.
[–]PR0N0IAFDS Newbie5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
I don’t know how good my advice will be because I have never experienced abuse & have lived a very privileged life.
My dad is a HVM so he set the bar high for me as an example in a spouse. For some context, my mom ended up surviving an aneurysm when I was in elementary school. Doctors initially said she’d essentially be a vegetable the rest of her life but she wasn’t brain dead. My dad fought for her. She spent a year in the hospital then a year in-patient rehab, 2 years outpatient daily rehab. She has some issues speaking, no use of her right hand, & has difficulty walking but is able to live a good life. My dad cares for her & does most of the chores while also fully supporting my mom— he’s got an amazing career that he’s sacrificed significant promotions in order to take care of my mom since he needs a work/life balance. They’re still well enough off financially that they paid for my college— but he’d used my college fund to pay for my moms rehab that the insurance refused to cover so my dad had to cash flow it. He’s always told me that what he does for my mom is the bare minimum, if a man wouldn’t do that for me then he wasn’t worth my time.
My mom’s first husband (& my older brother’s dad) was abusive. My parents never said anything negative in front of us about my brothers dad so I didn’t find out about the abuse until I was a teen & went on a few dates with a guy who had some red flags. My dad pulled me aside and told me about my moms first husband and how he was worried because he wants me to be happy & being single is better than being in a disastrous relationship. So for any of you single mothers out there— HVM do marry single mothers, my mom is proof!
Back to advice— I guess it boils down on how you view sex in a relationship. To me, I am the prize. My time is what I saw as the exchange for the relationship so there was no need to offer sex. I only had sex with my now husband once I knew we’d eventually be getting married. Sex benefits us both — not just him. Sex is only within the bounds of a LTR. Commitment from a man could be just words, so it’s his actions that matter.
I’d suggest for your next relationship to wait for sex even within the bounds of a committed relationship. It doesn’t have to be all the way until marriage— but I think that it’d help you grow to value yourself more to be in a relationship without physical intimacy being on the table. If it helps you can put a time limit on your no sex rule; something like 6 months of a committed relationship, 1 year of commitment, an engagement ring, or marriage. Having a “goal post” so to speak can help you keep yourself committed the that boundary. Place that boundary where you feel comfortable placing it & don’t compromise on it! I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to wait all the way until marriage so when I told my husband physical intimacy wasn’t on the table, I told him I was leaning towards waiting until marriage but it could change (he knew I’d definitely be waiting a while either way) & I’d let him know if it did. So when we did take that next step, he didn’t lose respect for me because I broke my boundary on it. If you make a solid boundary, don’t compromise on it. My husband also didn’t pressure me to change my soft boundary at all which was a good sign. Before we took that step we talked about it and agreed that if I became pregnant (we’re personally both pro-life so abortion would not have been an option we’d consider), we’d immediately get married.
I hope my advice was helpful in some way!
[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️3 points4 points5 points 3 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I doubt anyone would ever wait that long for me. Like it seems insanely out of the realm of possibility. People barely tolerate me as is. I'm ugly though and used to be morbidly obese so my body is also gross even though I lost the weight. I think I'm defective but I'd like to think maybe someone someday might love me and be down to help me build a family like you have. I don't even want to be cared for just loved.
[–]PR0N0IAFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
First step is to learn to love yourself. You need to know you’re worth it & exude the confidence that you are worth it before someone will be willing to wait for you. You have to believe it first. Someone who is willing to wait for you, is the kind of person that will love you how you need to be loved.
It doesn’t matter what you’re body type is or how “pretty” you are (you’re probably way prettier than you make yourself out to be)— that standard is one that is based on diminishing value over time. We all become less “conventionally attractive” as we age. A man who is looking for a life partner is focused on who you are as a person. Men have their income increase over time, while women have their physical beauty typically decline (according to societal convention of beauty anyways). Men of wealth know this so you’ll see a lot of billionaires or those worth hundreds of millions marry women who are more the “girl next door” look rather than supermodel hot (but they’ll still date the supermodel, they just don’t marry her). It’s important to accentuate your natural beauty but you don’t need to be the prettiest or thinnest to get a HVM.
If you feel you’re well below average attractiveness, work on getting yourself to a place where you feel pretty before considering entering into a relationship at all. The higher your own sense of self worth, the more attractive you’ll be as a potential wife to a HVM. Not all HVM are 6’4 with a 6 pack — just like not all HVW look like supermodels. HVM want to be married to a HVW— so become that HVW.
Know this is easier said than done. Start by every time you catch yourself saying / thinking something negative about yourself, think of 3 things you like about yourself. If you’re alone in the room at the time— say these 3 things out loud. Try not to use any one thing you like about yourself more than once a day. When you verbally acknowledge your positive aspects to yourself, it will help you build your self esteem. By forcing yourself to come up with 3 positives for each negative, it reinforces to yourself that you have value.
[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
Thanks for the tips. I do my best it's just that my best sucks. I am as hard working and attractive as I can be until I have the $ for a 360 lift because the tummy tuck wasn't enough. I take care of my hair and skin and workout and count calories. This (the pandemic) is the first time since I was 16 I haven't worked 40-80 hrs a week. I still managed to get all As in the slow part time work I'm putting in to get into nursing school.
Idk why no one can tolerate let alone love me. To me all the self care I do is self love and the deprecation is realistic & clarifying goals I need to work towards to be even better. It's frustrating to hear that I need to be fake to be worthy. How long do I have to keep lying about confidence that has no reason to be there? They don't even love me if I trick someone that way, they just love an act and it just crushes me even more to know my personality is so unlikable no one will ever tolerate the real me. Who is realistic and sad but also smart and hard working and willing to provide love and stability and loyalty to someone who would respect me and offer me the same. I don't have many standards for looks as long as I'm attracted to them and they have good hygiene. No one has ever loved me though. Even as a child with my mom abusing me no one loved me enough to protect me.
[–]BusinessPrint1FDS Newbie14 points15 points16 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeowch. I will never make the mistake of believing this BS again...
[–]rrrrrrrrrreallyFDS Newbie225 points226 points227 points 3 years ago (19 children) | Copy Link
Okay but I'm just saying this dude needs a better analogy. He was too busy patting himself on the back for this lasagna joke to think about whether it made sense lol.
The G in lasagna isn't silent. It works like a tilde over an N in Spanish.
Lasagna with a truly silent G would be "la-san-ah" instead of "la-zan-yah."
Maybe I care too much about lasagna but I'm getting real triggered imagining this dude ordering "la-sanna" at a restaurant lmao
[–]nocturnalisFDS Newbie40 points41 points42 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's a reference to a Lil Wayne song. The lyric is something like, "real G's move in silence like lasagna." The validity of the lyric has been the subject of debate in the hip hop community for over a decade.
[–]acrosstheoceanin1984FDS Newbie91 points92 points93 points 3 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
The "with you" is silent, like the L in salmon
[–]emgrant8FDS Newbie60 points61 points62 points 3 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I once dated someone who pronounced the L in salmon and I lost a year off my life every time he said it
[–]Amilliex9000FDS Newbie12 points13 points14 points 3 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I pronounced the L as a joke for so long I started doing it every time now I hate myself. 😂
[–]LadyArellanoFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Literally me now I can’t stop 🤣🤣🤣
[–]Amilliex9000FDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Hahaha same!!! I hate it so much it just happens.
[–]LadyArellanoFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
🤣🤣
[–]bigtoebigtoeFDS Apprentice20 points21 points22 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I would find ways to work salmon into the conversation just to hear him say it lmao
[–]HowslapFDS Disciple9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Ohmygod I was just telling my sister how much I hate when people do that. And she looked at me like I was nuts 😂
[–]rinabeanFDS Disciple28 points29 points30 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes! Though no-one can care too much about lasagne :)
It is silent like the G in lasagne - ie not silent at all, everyone can hear that you're saying it even if you aren't actually making a G sound. It's a white lie if you're turning them down, manipulation if you're not
[–]angelcake893FDS Apprentice6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's also Italian so the 'gn' sound has an actual purpose 😂 - like Gnocchi.
[–]BillyCrudupsHairyNip8 points9 points10 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It’s a reference to the lyric from the Lil Wayne Song 6 Foot 7 Foot.
[–]speakersr46 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It’s a reference to a Lil Wayne song, “6’7.”
The line goes: “Bitch, real G's move in silence like lasagna”
[–]FewButterscotch6FDS Newbie6 points7 points8 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This irked me too the first time I heard it but I someone told me it's a line from a rap song that was popular a couple of years ago. Still doesn't make it right, but at least it's legit quote instead of entirely made-up. I can't remember the details but I was told it was dig at Rhianna and she responding by pointing out what you've just said.
[–]pwnrnwb2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's a popular lil Wayne lyric because of how absurd it sounds
[–]lefrench751 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I looked through the comments hoping that someone has commented on this, but you're definitely not the only one who cares about this. The idea of a silent g in lasagna, making it sound like la-san-nah, drives me mad lol
[–]voyagernoilamgypFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
it’s from a song
[–]shakethat_milkshakeKINKmeisha™️ on parole22 points23 points24 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Men go for the right time, not the right person. 🤯
[–][deleted] 11 points12 points13 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Same type of guys who do this don’t have the guts to just be straightforward about it.
[–]alluringivFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I hate it when I tell them I don’t want one and they harass me till I say yes or block them
[–]Wind_HolidayThrowaway Account5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
They are only “not ready for a relationship” when it suits them lmaooo
[–]shortywannarockFDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
What about the dude that says he does want a relationship and then doesn’t text for two days 🤔
[–]aliceindanklandPickmeisha™️5 points6 points7 points 3 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
He’s just saying that to get you to sleep with him lol
[–]shortywannarockFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
And they think they’re slick 😂
[–]hiphopanonymous98FDS Newbie4 points5 points6 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Ouch- definitely have heard this before!!
[–]OrchidLionFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Ok but WHY NOT WITH ME?
[–]eeaarroonnFDS Newbie1 point2 points3 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Shit hits hard. Was with him for 7 years and he said he needed time to work on himself and figure out if being with me or even in a relationship is what he wants and he’s already kissed a girl and added her on Facebook and Instagram so we all know what’s coming next 🙄😒 oh and we still live together and have four animals we are going to be splitting up
[–]itsoverlywarm0 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The g isn't silent in lasagne. Its just not pronounced with English phonetics.
[–]AskFDSThrowaway10 points1 point2 points 3 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The guy who says the ‘g’ is silent is just wrong. It’s pronounced as ‘ngn’ where ‘ng’ is the sound of ‘ing’ without the ‘i’. It’s been that way for like 2500 years in Latin and then Italian. Why can’t people see that?
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