Do I just accept that men are disgusting behind our backs?

Subject_Ticket · 2021-03-29T20:49:07+00:00

Wouldn't you rather adjust to his absence than be constantly paranoid and frustrated in his presence?

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-03-29T19:59:54+00:00

You need to end this relationship for a few key reasons. He has been lying to you for 3 years. He clearly has no problem with lying to you, hiding things from you, by choice. He disrespected your very clear boundaries that would have been a deal breaker 3 years ago. Don’t ‘sunk cost fallacy’ your way into believing your boundaries are okay to be disrespected. If it was a deal breaker then, it’s a deal breaker now, only it comes with the exceptional addition of him absolutely destroying your trust and lying to your face for years.

Are all men like this? No, but a vast majority of men are porn sick. Some hide it, some declare it proudly, some demand their girlfriends and wives accept it as something ‘all men do’, but whatever the reasoning is, it’s clearly a boundary for you and the only self respecting choice you have is to end the relationship. It absolutely is a violation, because he’s been hiding it for years, lying to your face.

I am so sorry he broke your trust like this. You deserve a partner who is honest, genuine, consistent, and values you.

tmb-2019 · 2021-03-29T19:59:58+00:00

If your partner watching porn and lying about it is a dealbreaker for you, then you shouldn’t be with them. Any addiction cannot be beaten with “sheer will” and that includes porn addictions. FDS is all about finding and enforcing our boundaries with significant others. Honestly, he crossed a boundary for you and no doubt he’ll do it again. You just have to decide if it’s worth it. In the FDS mindset, he’s a LVM so you gotta figure out if that’s good enough for you.

Edit: Just to add. I wouldn’t spend any time taking revenge or anything like that if I were you. I think it’s a waste of emotional energy. I’d be planning my next moves and getting ready to be alone. Please figure out what you wanna do next.

purasangria · 2021-03-29T20:42:31+00:00

This man has shown you that he is a porn sick liar. Will you have the courage to cut your losses and move on, or continue to be played by this scrote?

You set the boundary, but you also must enforce it. I wish you luck and fortitude in that. You deserve someone who doesn't lie to you.

Subject_Ticket · 2021-03-29T20:01:35+00:00

It may be "common" but that absolutely doesn't mean you should, or must, accept it! There are guys out there who steer far clear of it. But part of FDS is acknowledging that those HVM are in fact few and far between. So sure, it may feel at times that there truly are no good men out there. They're unfortunately rare. BUT, that doesn't mean you should stick with this one. There is no reason to tolerate being lied to and treated like that. He ain't worth the lost sleep! He ain't worth the energy!

OrangeyPanda · 2021-03-29T19:54:00+00:00

No, you don't have to accept that. It's going to be hard for you to accept this, but your boyfriend is a major LVM. He has lied to you from the beginning. He has been going behind your back and masturbating to women probably daily. And the fact he follows onlyfans makes me think he might have an account he pays for to get an intimate relationship with some of the girls as well. HVM think porn is gross, they know that porn is cheating, they would not support an industry rife with child porn and degradation of women. They never make you question yourself or feel insecure.

You need to be strong and dump him, because you are worth more.

sleepysiri · 2021-03-29T19:56:57+00:00

they always say it’s a serious problem to distance themselves from the accountability of their actions.

makesmetired · 2021-03-29T22:16:20+00:00

Porn addicted men don't even see women as human and have zero empathy. He doesn't care about your feelings or how much you cry about this problem and ask him to stop.

Subject_Ticket · 2021-03-29T21:30:02+00:00

You'll feel so free once you leave him. You deserve a man who doesn't watch porn. They exist. Also, go on PornFreeRelationships subreddit so you can understand why it's not worth it to date a porn addict.

Mysterious_Midnight7 · 2021-03-29T21:33:09+00:00

No. Being with a man that is "disgusting behind our backs" should be completely illogical and unacceptable.

Staying after a guy knows he is hurting you is just a race to the bottom.

HlGHFIVE · 2021-03-29T20:08:04+00:00

You'll be better off without him... I recommend investing in some nice sex toys. He is replaceable, your sanity and mental health is not.

GailaMonster · 2021-03-29T21:18:13+00:00

No, not all men are like this. Not at ALL.

The men who ARE like this have a STRONG interest in CONVINCING you that all men are like this, so that you worry that you can't get away from this exact behavior by getting away from the LVM.

You can totally get away from this behavior. my HVM does not look at porn at all. if he wants to enjoy a lady's naked body, he will drink in mine :) 40 and rock hard whenever we want to play, never had a problem with ED, never had a problem with condoms making him less hard or preventing him from finishing.

Not to overshare, but getting with a (so far seemingly) HVM really confirms that over-use of porn can really damage a guy's ability to perform sexually, really distorts the way he sees women who aren't porn stars, etc. a man whose primary relationship with sex is the SEX HE HAS HAD and his idea of pleasuring a woman is THE WOMEN HE HAS SUCCESSFULLY PLEASURED draws a really visible contrast to the men whose primary relatoinship with sex is the SEXUAL IMAGES DESIGNED FOR MALE CONSUMPTION and whose idea of pleasuring a woman is PORNOGRAPHY PERFORMANCES DESIGNED FOR MALE TITILATION.

quite literally a man who looks at too much porn starts to anchor to what he sees as "good", and will not successfully get "good at sex" from the standpoint of pleasing a woman. It will be porno roleplay, it won't be a development of his sexual maturity in relation to an actual human woman partner's pleasure.

Even before touching the sensitivity issue or the human trafficking/abuses of the porn industry, it's quite obvious that porn for straight men makes them bad a sex with women. Again, LVM really want you to THINK porn use is universal, to hide how crappy they are in comparison to a man who doesn't use porn. They don't want you to know you can get away from this behavior, because they don't want you to get away from them when they refuse to stop"

EXTRA IMPORTANT: OP Listen to yourself believing the thing your bf is saying now, when every other thing he has said in response to your concerns has ALSO been a lie. He said he would stop - that was a lie. he said he HAD stopped. that was a lie. he said he had trouble stopping (probably a lie because he probably never tried) but that he would commit to telling you when he fucked up - that was a lie. Now that you've pushed thru the lie each time, his NEW LIE is "well this is a universal behavior so my lying is inevitable because what you're asking is impossible". it's not. that's just him doing the same thing he has done every other time - lie to try to make you reset yourself and accept that the issue is "behind you" it's not. IT'S JUST THE NEXT LIE

Leave him. There ARE guys out there who don't look at porn.

Charming-Bee-2337 · 2021-03-29T19:56:09+00:00

Men who are addicted to porn are always going to do it secretly. Its not worth it to try and work it out or get through it with them. Get a guy who has never had an addiction to it in the first place. Men who watch porn dont respect women or view the as equals but yes there are men that arent addicted to it or watch it.

lillylilacladybug · 2021-03-29T20:06:21+00:00

No all men don’t look at porn. I had an ex who thought porn was disrespectful to women. It amazes me the converse is never brought up - not all woman look at porn. And don’t even try to tell me women are different then men. Just no. My libido and sex drive is higher then most men I know. And I don’t watch porn morning, noon and night. I don’t watch it all. But somehow we make excuses for men because they have urges women don’t (which I don’t believe) and because men can be all sloppy with the urges and sexuality and women need to button up and keep it all tucked in.

Protoetype · 2021-03-29T22:42:02+00:00

I am so, so, so sorry. I know you feel like shit. I promise that once he's gone and you don't have to WORRY whether or not he's being a fucking pervert your life will be so light and effortless. Don't let him steal your peace of mind.

Jane1911 · 2021-03-29T19:56:06+00:00

Men will lie, yes. This is why vetting continuously is important. Someone we may see as HV may eventually break their mask and show their true selves. I am so sorry to hear you are hurt. But generally this part is a good sign he is not going to change. I personally would not put up with any lying at all. The first time a man is caught lying he is out of my life for good, this is a hard boundary for me. If you are uncomfortable with his behavior you absolutely do not have to put up with it.

anotherdamnloser · 2021-03-29T21:46:05+00:00

Most of them do I think. However I’d rather be alone than real with it. If I were you I’d strongly consider ending things. I don’t believe men will atop if we ask or tell them to. They’ll always just hide it and we’ll waste our time. Honestly I would never be with anyone unless he was already off porn before we met and he did it for himself. It’s like smoking or eating right. Hell have to want it for himself, not because someone else wants him to.

2021-03-30T00:17:01+00:00

No, absolutely do not accept it. He spends the majority of his free time with his dick in his hand and he has no problem with lying to you. Not to mention the fact that porn addiction often escalates rather than heals. Don’t waste your youth on this. It takes a disturbingly short amount of time for a situation like this to destroy your feelings about yourself, your sexuality, your validity as a partner, and your standards end up getting fucked into oblivion. Source: being a 🤡 and having multiple relationships with porn addicts. They will tell you anything to get you to stay and I guarantee you every single day you do, you lose another piece of your dignity.

Feminineprincess · 2021-03-30T04:32:27+00:00

No, not all men watch pornography. The ones that do are the ones who say that all men watch it so they can feel less guilty about indulging in watching women and possibly children be abused. And if he respected you, he would think “I’m not going to rub my penis to naked women other than my girlfriend because my girlfriend specifically asked me not to do that”.

euridicee · 2021-03-29T20:13:05+00:00

I have thought about this multiple times. Maybe men are just evil by nature, they put up a front or sometimes they don't, but they are inferior and repulsive. I don't know if this is 100% true but I wonder...

ImplementStrong · 2021-03-29T23:52:38+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, but please just know that you're not alone. Although I'm not in the same exact situation as you, I've been through something similar in the past, and please trust me when I say it doesn't get better...

My last ex was also like your current boyfriend. He knew that porn was a dealbreaker for me, but instead of being upfront about what he was or was not willing to quit, he lied to my face and told me that he would stop, when in reality he was just doing it behind my back. I confronted him about it multiple times (something that I will never do again in the future since I've learned the hard way never to date a pornsick man again), and every time, he promised me that he would "change," but he never did.

As if "vanilla" porn wasn't enough, he was also watching / saving / bookmarking hentai, cosplay porn of women dressed up and wearing makeup to look like underage schoolgirls or women wearing wigs & animal ears / tails or women in video game character outfits, and other various degenerate porn that usually involved "barely legal" content of women masturbating with dildos in uncomfortable positions and with unrealistic "sexy" expressions. My LVM ex was also drawing naked, hypersexualized, unrealistic women and trying to pass it off as "art." This was several years ago (so before the age of onlyfans), but he was active on snapchat, instagram, and patreon to consume, save, and download depraved content.

Porn normalizes the sexualization of girls and women and tries to pass it off as "normal" and "healthy" and "okay;" porn is a strong driving force for the continuation of the sex industry where women and girls are regularly trafficked, coerced, abused, and raped; porn distorts intimate relationships by creating a disconnect whereby the porn user often ends up preferring to bond with pixels on a screen for hours on end rather than simply interacting with a real human partner.

But even if all of the above statements from the previous paragraph were theoretically untrue, it doesn't really matter. What matters is your own personal boundaries. If you're not comfortable with something, your opinions are valid. If you think something is cheating, it is. Your boundaries are non-negotiable, and anyone who doesn't understand that doesn't deserve to be with you.

I know what it feels like to be with a partner who is addicted to porn (whether it be a "real" addition or just an excuse). I know the feelings of betrayal and pain and nausea that come with having a partner like this, and sometimes the worst part isn't even just the porn itself - it's the combination of the porn and the lies.

What you choose to do from here is your own decision and yours alone, but as someone who's been in your shoes, I'm telling you: someone who blatantly lies to your face multiple times, is not someone who respects you; someone who only says "sorry" after they're confronted, isn't truly sorry, or 1) they would've never done the offending action in the first place or 2) they would've confessed their wrongdoing to you of their own free will rather than having to be cornered; someone who continues to do hurtful things knowing that it will hurt someone they supposedly "love," doesn't really love you, even if you love them.

Are all men like this? Hopefully not, although I personally haven't met a single one who isn't like this in some way (unfortunately). But to me, it doesn't matter if all men are like this or not. After wasting many years on LVM, I've come to the (admittedly) difficult conclusion that it's better to be alone and at peace, rather than to be with someone but always be constantly stressed and anxious and disgusted in the back of my mind.

I guarantee you that if you leave him, you'll be happier. Maybe not immediately (because I know that after having been in a relationship for many years, the thought of singledom can sometimes seem pretty daunting), but I promise you, eventually, you will be. You won't have to worry about your loser ex-boyfriend watching porn behind your back; you won't have to wonder if he's lying to you again; you won't be plagued by intrusive thoughts that keep you up until 5 in the morning, night after night after night... The only person you'll have to worry about is yourself - yourself and your own happiness, whether that means reconnecting with friends and family, rekindling old hobbies, or finding something new in your life that you can focus your newfound positive energy on!! This asshole doesn't deserve another second of your precious time - cut him off. You deserve to be happy.

paddlesandchalk · 2021-03-29T23:56:13+00:00

No, not all men are like this!! My S/O genuinely never watches porn. Please dump this loser’s ass for lying to you for years and violating your boundaries.

Xx_SwordWords_xX · 2021-03-30T01:15:08+00:00

No. He is not a fucking primate. We have a prefrontal cortex that has reasoning beyond what our animalistic hypothalamus wants.

So, yes... Many men quit porn completely when they engage the part of their brain which makes us an evolved species, beyond monkeys.

If he can't do this, he doesn't need to waste your life taking up the spot reserved for monogamous love, by not being monogamous.

Why should you put your needs aside, for him to satisfy all his wants?

azureangel35 · 2021-03-29T21:04:24+00:00

It sounds like you're not ready to leave sis. If that's the case, please save this post. Reread it. Read the handbook. 3 wasted years will turn into DECADES lost on LVM (trust, I'm 40). It's tough to hear that you should leave his porn sick ass but never has better advice been given. 🕉🖤

_jellybeanqueen_ · 2021-03-29T20:23:12+00:00

I think every relationship has its own set of dynamics and problems, and obviously you are sharing only a glimpse so no one answering can really know the intricacies of it.

But that being said you either get with it, by ignoring the fact that he has lied and you will have to continue to put up with his behaviour and potential to continue lying and make more excuses for his behaviour until you are drained of your life force, OR you get out. I would personally get out because I refuse to lie to myself in order to justify someone else's lies — he's only sorry because he got caught.

Also as much as the community sympathizes for women in shitty relationships, FDS is not here as a bad relationship enabler, it is a resource for women to heal and improve on themselves so that they'll never enter shitty relationships / endure severe mistreatment again*. Please (re)read the handbook and look into the reading material to help you gain strength and clarity to inform whatever decision you decide to make, only you know what's best for you

*edit: even if that means being alone

abstractsadgurl · 2021-03-30T03:46:52+00:00

I've had this happen except it was like a half a year later and I found out he lied. Believe me when I say this. You will not forgive him you will develop Betrayal Trauma and spend years trying to recover if you stay and that's IF he doesn't relapse if he does than it'll cause more pain. And if you leave sure this will still haunt you but at least you won't be constantly reminded and triggered.

He def has a porn addiction and isn't aware of it. It's not going to be your job to help him he needs to want to change for himself. And sadly a lot of men don't because porn is so normalized thanks to patrichary and the male gaze.

Kuanzhaixiangzi · 2021-03-30T04:29:56+00:00

He's been betraying and lying to you from the very beginning. You found out and gave him another chance. Now you've found out he's been lying again. If you forgive him again, it'll just teach him it's ok to do this. He can basically do whatever the fuck he wants to you and be fairly sure you'll forgive him. Sure you might be upset, but all he has to do is say some empty words and you'll hop right back into his clown-mobile. Most men are gross. So we don't date them. We learn to love ourselves and be enough for ourselves.

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2021-03-30T05:50:07+00:00

Just remember, it's not simply what he does, but the root reason of why he does it. The bad behaviors are like roaches, if you see just one, there are more still hiding.

At least today you can see a red flag that doesn't yet put you at a huge personal loss. The next red flag could be HIV, or him borrowing money for a "medical bill" and wasting it on onlyfans.

OkChocolate7617 · 2021-03-29T22:59:00+00:00

I’m sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you’re distraught and emotional (and it’s okay to be!), that can cloud your judgment. In a situation like this, I recommend imagining your dearest girl friend. Imagine this happened to her, what would you tell her?

If it were me, I’d hold my head high and walk out of this relationship because I KNOW I deserve better. That’s it. You deserve better. Don’t worry about finding anyone better (you know you will). The questions is: will you allow yourself to be disrespected any longer? All good times aside, is it worth someone making you feel this shitty? Do you love yourself? Then show it.

Most men are like this, that’s why you vet. And it’s disheartening, but that’s why we have this community. There’s a few men who are HVM, and you will find them if you positively and confidently vet.

libramo0n · 2021-03-30T03:31:10+00:00

Not to sound like “NoT aLL mEN” but seriously, not all men. You’ve got a dud on your hands.

I have dated plenty of guys who never watched porn, or had watched it as a teen and then stopped completely realizing how fucked up it was, and this is back when I was a pickme and responded to men who didn’t watch porn with “wHaT?! ThAtS cRaZy! POrN iS sO hOt!!!” Or some other stupid ass response lol.

WestAtmosphere · 2021-03-30T05:02:14+00:00

Lmao him saying that all men do it is to trap you into staying and creating an environment where you just have to "be ok" with the things he does.

2021-03-30T06:17:30+00:00

The real question is why havent you dumped him? Why do women do this? Why come in here to basically say “my boyfriend is a porn addict and lied to me. Should i stay” Of course we will say no. DO BETTER. women cant expect better from men if we keep letting them treat us like shit. Porn sick men are worthless

skyerippa · 2021-03-30T06:49:24+00:00

Hes already making excuses for why he won't stop

"You won't find a man that will completely quit porn"

You know he's not going to stop, you've already told him numerous times you aren't okay with it, it hurts you and it's been years hiding it girl.

If you really think he's capable of changing then you should tell him you will leave unless he enters a porn addiction program and stops all use, otherwise it's over

Professional-Ad-457 · 2021-03-29T22:01:04+00:00

Leave honey. Found out about my fiances porn habit a few weeks before the wedding. Dragged him to emergency couples counselling to explain how strongly I was against it and that I would not marry him if it continued and would divorce him if it did. He promised me he understood and would stop. Over the years it turned into a full blown sex addiction and took over his life and he started cheating with online hookups. No one would ever guess if you met him - and he continued to be loving towards me so I had no clue until I discovered it all in one go (his secret second phone). I wish I’d had the courage to leave and not given 2nd chance but stupidly hoped he was going to change. Your guy has basically admitted it is impossible that he will never stop doing it - he’s told you the truth for once - believe him! Now I’m divorced and I’ve lost a lot of confidence and money (divorce makes us all poor) and only see my son half the time. On the upside I’m no longer with a porn sick gaslighting lying cheating bastard dickhead 😂

Big-Respond8481 · 2021-03-29T19:47:17+00:00

Masturbate next to him to a piece of gay porn with hot men, watch him cry and break up.

laeriel_c · 2021-03-30T07:08:41+00:00

I think it would be different if he admitted to this a few months in and wanted to work on it for you, but the fact that he was lying to your face for 3 years is just... Too much of a betrayal.

ChemE-slut · 2021-03-30T01:34:28+00:00

My boyfriend has struggled with a porn addiction since he was in middle school and I told him when we got together I told him that was something that made me very uncomfortable and that if he wanted to have a relationship with me that he’d need to work on it. He’s been going to therapy and has only watched porn 3 times since November when he used to watch it at least that many times per week, and has gone to therapy for it. The intensity of the porn he watches has also dramatically decreased to the point he has only looked at pictures and gifs in the past year. How do I know this? Because he TELLS ME. OPENLY and WITHOUT ASKING. I don’t have to ask because he respects me and feels obligated to tell me when he’s messed up. Your boyfriend obviously doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings since he doesn’t try to get better OR tell you the truth. Leave him and move on to someone who respects you

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aleas987 · 2021-03-29T23:19:02+00:00

Pls don't stay, he even admitted he can't stop. He'll try to convice you he will stop now and yet he wasn't able to stop for three years. It's just a pile of BS.

Constant-Wanderer · 2021-03-30T05:36:23+00:00

No, they don’t all watch porn. And get rid of him for lying repeatedly, it doesn’t have to be about porn specifically. (Although that’s part of it)

Title	Do I just accept that men are disgusting behind our backs?
Author	Bleep_bloop5678
Upvotes	373
Comments	70
Date	March 29, 2021 7:43 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mfxqyx/do_i_just_accept_that_men_are_disgusting_behind/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/do-i-just-accept-that-men-are-disgusting-behind.766546 https://theredarchive.com/post/766546

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