Did counselling help any men?

WhatALifeJustWow · 2024-02-04T09:38:35+00:00

No! But if you try counseling just know that counselors WILL and DO choose sides as well. Caught mine having secret conversations with my spouse and that was the straw that broke the camels back. Have been separated ever since because they both lied about it and then tried to gaslight me about it. Good luck, man.

Weird_Salad1981 · 2024-01-19T23:12:38+00:00

Felt like it was all my fault going in, I was right. But now i can try and fix my flaw

RossTheDivorce4ce · 2024-01-18T11:01:34+00:00

It helped me find out all the things my stbx was holding a grudge on me for. For that I'm grateful.

Careless_Payment9298 · 2024-01-17T20:53:09+00:00

We attended a course called "Re-Engage" It was a 16 weeks course that was fantastic. It was church based, but religion was not pushed. You can find videos on Youtube about it. It only cost us about $20 for the workbook and we got to keep it.

UseResponsible4368 · 2024-01-17T02:53:58+00:00

Marriage Counselling doesn't work for the most part.

Counselors themselves, at their conferences and trainings, talk about how while guys are resistant to things like "Conflict Management" and such, they will do it even if skeptical. Wife will not, they will toss out the book the moment they feel like it.

They try to get the man to be even better in the hopes the woman will see, but most counselors know that wives will generally not improve or appreciate.

They also know the Wife will dump them in a heartbeat over the least criticism or recommendations for her behavior, so it's in their financial interest to work on the man first.

I had two friends that did counselling, and it all went down the same way. Switching 3-4 counsellors until they found one that blamed the husband for everything. No improvement from the wife, and never remarked upon.

porterfive · 2024-01-16T20:03:45+00:00

My ex went to individual counseling weekly for years but she never really worked on anything as it was just a vent session. When out of the blue one day she asked to go see a marriage counselor, I asked why before I go and all I got was why can’t you do this for me? When I said sure but I just want to know why we are going and soon after that she didn’t want to go and completely shut down on me. Once, I finally did get her to go she was raging and very angry and I had zero idea why. The therapists were able to uncover that she didn’t communicate in a lot of things and kept them to herself and then the resentment set in which helped fuel her story. I’m figuring this was going on 12-18 months before the shutdown as mind you I thought everything was ok. When therapist would ask what she wanted, she wouldn’t answer? They got to the root of the issues but even if repaired she didn’t want to work on marriage? She was never two feet in as when she shut down she was done but we had small kids so I think she was petrified to be left alone with them. She tried to manipulate some marriage counselors into only seeing her side or playing up her traumas or issues that she didn’t want to deal with. It was a no win situation for me. The therapist’s she liked were on her side as she could manipulate them to put the blame and all the work on me. The therapists that wanted her to do the work became ex therapists. If you to are not fully committed (both feet in) to working on yourself without any limits or pain some of the past issues or traumas may cause you to rehash and work through, as well as working on stuff together to finding a new healthy 2.0 relationship …therapy will not work and will only make things worse and bleed you dry. I’d honestly say 85-90% of therapists are useless hacks. The ones that are really good, cost a lot of money. In retrospect, I would have wished I would have concentrated and done my individual work including figuring out who I am and what I want first (non negotiables and such) before doing couples work but I have a feeling I would have just separated from my ex sooner as this was never sustainable. We went to numerous therapists together and there was one common denominator (my ex). I was willing to walk through walls for my family but she wasn’t going to do the work which is very sad to me now but it is what it is.

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-01-16T16:49:43+00:00

I've done both, was kind of a waste of money. I'm fairly self aware, not perfectly but I know my own mind. In IC it was determined I was not depressed, I was just sad at the current state of my life. I didn't need to pay money to learn that.

Couples counseling was a shitshow tho. She surprised me with it. We both saw the same therapist and one day she asked me pick her up. I was invited in and ambushed with couples therapy I didn't agree to. I was a good sport though. The next individual therapy session the therapist told me she thought I had my hands full in this marriage and she worried about my wife's mental issues.

I didn't tell that to my wife bc she had a tendency to get violent when she was less than praised but she sure did make a meal of telling me how crazy the therapist thought I was lol. She also made up stories that everyone in our lives always tried to protect her from me bc I was so toxic. I kinda believed her until she told me that my best friend said something similar to that and I just laughed. That was a bridge too far to be believable.

tl;dr if you're struggling...go but if you trust your own read of the situation, sort yourself out and save your money

Mr_vmn005 · 2024-01-16T15:05:32+00:00

I actively engage in counseling, and I truly believe in its benefits. Finding the right counselor is crucial—I initially worked with a male counselor, who was good but not the right fit. Switching to a female counselor brought about positive changes. She was brutally honest, breaking through my comfort zone and prompting self-reflection. I realized justifying things doesn't foster personal growth. My failing marriage led to self-blame until I recognized the need for change. Ultimately, I ended the marriage and found a fulfilling relationship. Now, with an old classmate, there's mutual understanding, genuine actions, and appreciation without asking.

77shantt · 2024-01-16T05:18:16+00:00

Yes a little. I think the best thing you can do is forget everything start again because the so called family court pushes you to do it. I accepted I won’t see my kids again no money no friends anymore is a bonus . Get that way of thinking and do not care about stuff. I worried my arse off had 6 operations on my stomach to remove pollips due to mental abuse over the years.

So fuck her off !

cryptus-maximus · 2024-01-16T00:00:29+00:00

Yes, but not in the way you might think. Individual counseling was a waste of money, I just needed someone to talk to.

Couples counseling however, let me see how unhinged my wife was with a professional in a clinical setting. The couples counselor ended up quitting because of my wife's attitude AND declared that she does not believe our marriage is salvageable. That was important for me to hear and its the event that tipped me over the line.

ciscopimp2 · 2024-01-15T22:53:58+00:00

Individual counseling, yes.

This came from my therapist. Just know that when she's angry, she's picking up hot coals bare handed and throwing them at you. Some of them may hit you or come close to you, but each time she picks one up, she's hurting herself before she even throws it! I'm sure many men can attest to that eventually.

Capable_Luck_2817 · 2024-01-15T17:17:13+00:00

Individual counseling is extremely helpful. Couples therapy just tries to “both sides” everything, which is not helpful if one partner is checked out and unfaithful.

Par_then_Bar · 2024-01-15T16:56:12+00:00

I've been in individual counseling for the last 5-6 months when I found out my STBX was having an affair. My therapist is Christian based (which is important to me. Might not be to others) and was really able to pull me out of the darkness. I would highly recommend if you do decide to try, don't do 1 session. Do 4 weeks in a row and then evaluate.

IllustriousCry672 · 2024-01-15T16:55:06+00:00

Didn't help me, but I don't think I was willing to buy in. It felt like a lot of cope and drugging myself was her plan, which, eh, I don't need to lie to myself about my situation.

Classic_Dill · 2024-01-15T16:45:19+00:00

Yep, went to a Psychiatrist on/off for 2 years, its was great. Men generally wont go to work with a mental health pro, but that's just ignorant, go!!! it works, with the right mental health pro.

SkeptiCynical · 2024-01-15T15:07:45+00:00

If you find yourself in counseling, it should be in 3 parts: Your individual counseling, your partner's individual counseling, and couples counseling.

If either of you aren't interested in all 3 parts and you aren't 100% invested in making things better and not just using the sessions to trash each other, counseling will not help. You're just going to use the sessions to try and validate what you already think or feel.

For me, couples therapy was a complete waste of time. My ex really needed her own individual therapy, and it probably helped her for some time. I really, really needed my individual therapy because it removed any doubt that I was doing everything that I could to save our marriage and she really was sabotaging our relationship. Our couples therapy was a dumpster fire of accusations, actual gaslighting (not just disagreeing, as the word gaslighting has been overused so much lately it's meaningless) and circular arguments around events that never happened, promises that were never made, and words that were never said.

If you can't go into the counseling stage with some desire to fix the marriage and a baseline agreement of what you both want from it, it's going to fail. Save your money for the lawyers.

BaldieGoose · 2024-01-15T14:56:43+00:00

Nope, but the gym definitely did

JuneCleaversMudFlaps · 2024-01-15T14:30:55+00:00

I’ve done individual counseling and couples. All have been women counselors and in the two separate women I did couples counseling with, they suggested that SHE needs to be in individual. One actually stopped after our first session and said, “I need to spend some time working with her.” So it was only just one session with me. The other, our therapist continually asked her to get into individual counseling and she refused. Neither relationship worked, and I still go to counseling on my own to better myself. For myself now.

A good counselor doesn’t take a side. They listen and provide feedback, make you work on communicating through difficult conversations, and determine potential outcomes based off those interactions.

Rare_Supermarket_482 · 2024-01-15T13:38:02+00:00

Unless both of you go into counseling with the fundamental premise that you are going to stay married and are getting help to improve your marriage, it won’t work. That is to say counseling will fail if someone goes into it unsure if they want to be married and need to be convinced otherwise

captainchippsixx · 2024-01-15T13:23:07+00:00

For me I said fuck it I’m done from it. She didn’t like the counselor (male) he didn’t let her off the hook. So therefore she wanted someone else.

rb577511 · 2024-01-15T12:28:11+00:00

Marriage counseling is a complete waste of time and money. Personal Counseling is about looking closely at uncomfortable times in your life. You have to stick with it but in my opinion it is valuable.

kdthex01 · 2024-01-15T12:21:51+00:00

Marriage counseling? No.

Personal counseling? Yes.

New-Amoeba9042 · 2024-01-15T12:12:36+00:00

I did individual counseling for about a year after the divorce, mostly because I was trying to save my marriage and wanted someone to talk too because if I had told any of my friends or family what my ex had done, the marriage could never have continued (which shows how delusional I was).

I don’t think it helped me much, personally. It wasn’t bad or anything, if it was free it would have been great, but for how much it cost it wasn’t worth it to have someone to talk to for an hour every other week

Timbers-creek · 2024-01-15T11:11:09+00:00

For me it did. It’s been a year since I started & it has changed me forever. I knew I needed it & it took a divorce for me to go. I’m thankful for my therapist & how much he has helped me grow emotionally & mentally. I see things very differently now. But, you have got to want to make the steps to do it. Raised in a catholic Mexican house where men are not allowed to open up. So I held everything in for 41 years & that did no good. Keep in mind though that you may have to go through several therapists before you find the one. I was lucky to have my current who was my first. He’s great & I look forward to another year with him.

l3tsR0LL · 2024-01-15T10:05:45+00:00

Yes

But you have to be willing to be honest and also listen.

It didn't save my marriage, but it helped me learn what was wrong and how to move forward.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2024-01-15T07:07:08+00:00

Counseling was a last ditch attempt. She wouldn't budge and felt she did nothing wrong and didnt need to change at all. He told her that if she didn't, our marriage would be over in 6 months. He was absolutely right. Counseling only works if both people are willing to work at it.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-01-15T06:20:20+00:00

Couples counselling? One of two things will happen: (1) the counsellor will agree with 100% of what she says; or (2) the counsellor won't, and will be deemed to be biased in your favor.

Individual counselling? It helped me. Good to talk to someone who isn't a friend or family member.

justgotnewglasses · 2024-01-15T05:55:31+00:00

Yep. I'll reiterate what others have said. The counsellor doesn't have the solutions, but they're there to help you figure them out. Many different styles, approaches, and schools of thought, as well as many different personalities, specialities and skill levels among counsellors, so don't let a shitty one put you off. What works for you might not work for your best friend and vice versa.

Marriage/couples counselling only works for people who want the relationship to work. Once one person has made their decision and checked out, the relationship is over and counselling is a waste of time and money.

Individual therapy worked for me. Regarding my marriage or other parts of my life, it helped me realise my part in the problem, which helped me overcome them for subsequent relationships, as well as learning to let myself forgive myself for the times I fucked up. When you stop blaming others and take responsibility, true growth can happen.

So just like couples counselling, you need to be open to it.

Edit: I'll add that my counsellor is a specialist men's counsellor. They're rare, but they exist.

whiskey_piker · 2024-01-15T05:47:38+00:00

Counseling doesn’t make you change your feelings about your wife. If you don’t like her, the marriage is done.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2024-01-15T05:44:58+00:00

Three different marriage counselors. Two were not good. One was sort of good. You can guess how long that lasted w the Ex. So my opinion of marriage counseling as couples is not that great. Individual therapy? Yes. If you can find a good therapist the. Definitely yes. You may have to search, go through a few before you find one that clicks with you.

lifeisallihave · 2024-01-15T05:41:44+00:00

It didn't help my relationship, I changed she didn't. Go for it alone you'd be happy you did.

Imaginary-Dark-2739 · 2024-01-15T05:23:08+00:00

My experience with couples counseling was less than stellar.

Individual therapy? That shit is life changing once you find a therapist (or 2) that you click with. It definitely made me confront some very deep repressed traumas and learn how to come to terms with it so that I could grow without them controlling my subconscious behaviours.

Superderp210 · 2024-01-15T05:16:54+00:00

If your intent is to improve your self or situation, therapy can work wonders.

If you’re looking for someone to blame your ex, go to a bar.

jimsmythee · 2024-01-15T05:16:10+00:00

Yeah, marriage counselling or therapist really helped me.

I was on the bring of divorcing my now exwife due to her pill popping disasters (DUI crashes).

Her mom suggested we go to marriage counselling because she had an ulterior motive -- she didn't want my exwife to end up on her doorstep, making her life hell with her pill popping disasters.

But before we even made it to 1 session, my exwife told me I was not to mention her DUI crashes, her addictions to pills, or her fits of screaming rage when she'd run out of narcotics. I said "why bother?" and cancelled it. But I actually went to see the therapist without her. And by the third session? My therapist looked at me and she told me, "It's time to talk about divorce. Marriages like these rarely work out. The sober spouse becomes overwhelmingly resentful of the addict spouse and all of their disasters."

She made me see that my exwife was never going to get any better. And she told me I was too young to spend the rest of my life dealing with her. It was time to make the best future for me and the kids.

Interesting_Stress28 · 2024-01-15T05:14:54+00:00

Find the right one for you and it can do wonders. It’s provided lots of insight and has left me with lots of tools and things to think about

Cross_22 · 2024-01-15T05:14:48+00:00

Not sure about couple's counseling, but individual counseling can be a good thing. I am happy to have somebody to vent to who is not judgmental but might be able to shine some light on what went wrong.

Sea-Mission-6316 · 2024-01-15T04:53:14+00:00

For the guys I've talked to, couples counseling was a waste of time. Individual counseling can be good. Once that light switch has been flipped, it's almost impossible for a woman to turn it around. Some regret it after they get out in the real world, but it's too late at that point. Never take back an ex.

HawksNation91 · 2024-01-16T01:30:21+00:00

I’ve been in therapy since my STBXW told me she was done. Honestly, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My therapist is awesome. Wise old guy. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop going. Literally has helped me both personally and professionally so much.

tellmemorelies · 2024-01-15T04:45:43+00:00

Just like there are good mechanics and bad mechanics there are good therapists and bad therapists.

A person needs to vet or interview the therapist to ensure they have the proper qualifications and experience to be able to help with the given situation.

This means as a potential client, a person needs to understand what kind of a therapist they require to assist with the problem at hand. This means the client needs to do some self assessment, research and then start interviewing potential therapists. In my experience, individual counselling for the betrayed needs to be from a therapist who has extensive training and experience with betrayal trauma.

For the cheater, they require a different therapist who has experience dealing with infidelity, knowledge of why a person would engage in adultery, and can effectively help a cheater understand that everyone (not just a cheater) is responsible for their own actions and behaviors at all times. A good infidelity therapist will assist the cheater to find the "whys" of their affair(s) and more importantly help fix those "whys" so they can achieve the desired result.

Marriage counselling should not be attempted until both betrayed and wayward have attended multiple individual sessions. Marriage therapists tend to look at the marriage as the client and as such should be saved at all costs. Sometimes this isn't really the best outcome as too much trauma has had a bad effect on the relationship and it is beyond saving. This is usually when blame/shame game can come into play.

Just my opinion from my experiences with therapy and therapists.

krazykanuck · 2024-01-15T04:35:12+00:00

Helped me. He suggested a break after we had a big blow out. That break was what helped me realize how much shit I was putting up with because I was afraid to be alone. There were also a lot of lessons I took that I am and will be applying moving forward. Stuff that I realize had to work on. Therapy/counselling is one of those things where you get what you put into it.

muchoalohakai · 2024-01-15T04:34:09+00:00

Sounds like you’re asking about couples counseling? If you’re a man, you’ll face it head on whether you really are the bad guy or not. If you truly are the problem, own it and do the work if you want to save your marriage. If she still leaves, you’ve got a leg up on being better for the next partner. If she really is the problem, that’s half the battle, the other half is if she actually cares enough to do anything about it. Majority of women don’t think they are in the wrong, even with others opinions that she is in the wrong.

For those that it works for, usually the woman (like above) genuinely does care and can move past and grow beyond the problems. A sign of maturity and wanting it to work.

chicken_po_boy · 2024-01-15T04:30:36+00:00

My ex was all for counseling… until the counselor realized many of our problems were the result of her out of control spending. The counselor suggested putting her on a monthly spending budget. All of a sudden she didn’t want to do counseling anymore.

franfran007 · 2024-01-15T04:30:28+00:00

I'm in counseling after she didn't want to do couples but that's another story. Generally you got to be fully open about yourself and your situations. Counseling can give you clarity that you need. I got for 1 hrs every other weekend, but the work is fully on yourself. To build yourself up takes time and patience. The go to is working out but Generally you need to find purpose in a hobby you enjoy. If you have kids, to do better for them. Our goal is to make our kids be able to survive and thrive in the real world. Once there close to being 18, you should sit them down and talk over your relationships and life. If my dad didn't die when I was 12 and was still around maybe my marriage could of been better.

New-Amoeba9042 · 2024-01-15T04:25:51+00:00

It helped my best friend. They went to counseling after he cheated, and it was a factor in them staying together.

Mostly because he had cheated in part because she was being really, really, awful to him, and the counselor helped her understand that while it doesn’t excuse cheating, she had been a really shitty wife

Title	Did counselling help any men?
Author	preetham_graj
Upvotes	26
Comments	67
Date	January 15, 2024 4:14 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/196zmrq/did_counselling_help_any_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/did-counselling-help-any-men.1242996 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242996

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