Harsh truth | FemaleDatingStrategy

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[–]ceramicunicornFDS Disciple14 points15 points16 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

It depends on the guy. Like someone said below, some have a whole resume fleshed out in their heads. In the case of my ex, it was about a certain look (short, tiny body), being generally unchallenging in her opinions, and capable of/willing to make him babies. He doesn’t really care about hobbies, background or intelligence. If those factors are in place, all of the posturing about behaviors he talks a big game about not standing for (like the rigid standards he applied to me, or her having poor taste in music/no interest in sports) goes right out the window...I have watched him embarrass himself, acting like a simpering fool because a woman was an attractive future potential incubator in his mind, as they pulled shit on him I wouldn’t have dared to.

It’s not unique to him though. I’ve witnessed other guys 100% backpedal on what they claim to stand for, if the woman offers a perceived status upgrade.

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They don't really. "Attachments" that form that quickly/circumstantially can dissolve just as quickly/circumstantially as they came about. You cannot form a deep attachment to someone in a rapidfire way. It doesn't work that way for anyone. Real love and healthy attachment are predicated on understanding a person, and that takes time.

But men have dumber ideas about what things like "love" and "attachment" even are, which they use to make decisions on a more superficial/circumstantial basis. That's why you get research telling you that men fall into and out of "love" more quickly than women do.

They don't. What a lot of men call "love" simply isn't something most women would understand as real love at all, and that's why it's so easy-come easy-go for them.

I've had what is described in OP happen to me but it seemed clear at the time that it wasn't really about me, or about her, or about how we compared/differences between us.

It was about two things:

timing - and things going south with me influenced his sense of timing, it wasn't a coincidence that he changed his tune about relationships right after I roasted and left him. He needed sure, consistent comfort and grabbed onto the first acceptable source he could find because his mood had changed.
the ease with which he could project some dumbass "unicorn" fantasy onto her. Aside from checking some superficial boxes that matched up with his ideas about what the ideal girl should be, she was just... suitable to act as a blank wall for his maladjusted mini home theater. I was not, for a number of reasons, including existing familiarity and unwillingness to dull myself and allow it.

A lot of the time when men have one of these epiphanies/mood changes, instead of trying to modify the dynamic with women they already have in their lives, they'll jettison what's there and go for a blank slate approach. In a way it helps them to dodge accountability: they can pretend the woman made all the difference instead of squaring with their internal inconsistencies, and they can try and institute their lifestyle change without having to go back and make amends for prior mistakes.

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[–]jeanneeebeanneeeFDS Apprentice40 points41 points42 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

First of all, you are not inherently worthless. There is simply no merit to that idea. You have value as a person and as a potential relationship partner. The abuse you have suffered has damaged your sense of self worth, but you still deserve to be happy and be treated well in relationships.

The strategy here requires a mindset shift. The idea is not to do whatever you need to do to get a relationship. The idea is to maintain your boundaries regardless of whether it makes the man want a relationship with you. It's about HIM making YOU want a relationship with HIM. If he can't or won't respect your boundaries - whether that's waiting for a certain amount of time before sex, or waiting until he has demonstrated commitment - then he's not relationship material. He needs to be offering you what you need in order for the relationship to move forward. You offering him what he needs is secondary. That's what your mindset needs to be.

Also need to keep in mind that yes, HVM are rare. You must not go into every new situation thinking that he could be the one. That leads to making excuses for shitty treatment. If you aren't already pursuing it, therapy can be a very effective tool for healing trauma from your past and preventing it from allowing you to accept more abuse because you think you deserve it. Love and luck sis. ❤

[–]HealthierOverseasFDS Newbie30 points31 points32 points 6 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link

There will be people here with much better advice than mine, but I will just say this: you need to be happy and satisfied with yourself first. That’s it. That’s the whole secret to self-worth. The actual achievement of this is the hard part.

Your lack thereof is leading you to try and seek it externally. You want someone to validate you, and you’ll do whatever they need in desperation of that. Just describing yourself as “worthless” in your comment is evidence enough. I doubt you’re actually worthless, but you need to believe that yourself first. It won’t help if a stranger on the internet says so.

I will tell you as someone with a lot of self-confidence, it is easy for me to have high standards and hold to them — because I value myself beyond any external validation. My happiness and self-worth comes from inside me: who I am, what I’ve accomplished. The lives I’ve touched. I have much to be proud of.

I know that I am a damn catch, and (as someone who has been treated poorly in the past), I won’t tolerate LVM. I’m also not afraid of being single/alone, as I have a great support network and am not lonely.

I don’t have any good advice for how you get to this point, but until you can derive your own value internally, not externally, you will always have pickmeisha tendencies. There’s a trite but true adage: if you aren’t happy alone, you won’t be any happier in a couple.

[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago* (11 children) | Copy Link

Yeah, I have no one. My bpd mom alienated me from my family and turned them against me. I just kept busy before but quarantining alone has nearly crushed my will to even live. I can keep going knowing this isn't forever and I'll be able to get back to work and have human interaction again. But the blaring "no one loves me" aspect of my life isn't something I see an end of the tunnel to since no one ever has loved me. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I should have been grateful to be abused by my ex because at least he tolerated my presence which I'm perceiving as unbearable.

Hearing "if you can't be happy alone no one will ever love you" is a dark prophecy. Like I'm unworthy for observing my surroundings and having feelings about them. Like should I just lie to myself about it? How am I supposed to believe it when all the evidence says otherwise?

Idk. I know it leaves me vunerable to people treating me badly and my not realizing it or thinking I deserve it. All I'm doing is my best. I take care of myself but humans are a social animal and I'm caged in isolation with nothing but my PTSD and thoughts about what I did to deserve solitary confinement & failed at getting anyone to love me for 2.5 decades for company.

[–]HealthierOverseasFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

if you can't be happy alone no one will ever love you

Hmm, that’s not exactly what I said though, is it? I am sorry if you took it that way, but that is not at all my point. Of course people will still love you, everyone is worthy of love — but you asked how to not be a pickmeisha. I gave you my thoughts.

Your situation is really rough though, and probably beyond the tailored focus of FDS; I hope you can find a solid support network and maybe look at therapy if you can. There is a lot to unpack here! An endorphin hit from a new relationship might feel good initially, but it sounds like you’re using that as a bandaid on a much bigger issue. In the long run, being happy with yourself and knowing that you are worthy of love and support is a much better foundation for a happier future.

[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]FluffandRaincloudsRuthless Strategist6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

I might try an app! I never have before besides for dating which I genuinely hate. But finding girlfriends sounds more pleasant than swimming through a sea of douchebags and dick pics. I do actually have 2 good friends and 2 okay friends but I'm not trying to overwhelm them by constantly making my presence known. It is providing the social interaction of a couple texts a week.

I wish I had a roomate or something because it's just the days and days alone I end up hyper focusing on how I have failed at making a family & the flaws within myself that I can change to make someone willing to tolerate me talking to them on a daily basis. Maybe if I just had more okay/good friends I could just keep myself from spiraling in isolation and have someone to talk to daily. It's not being loved but it's not being alone either.

[–]sanguine_dualityFDS Newbie3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Find a passion! I’m a loner and former pickmeisha who’s had a hard time with dating and socializing. I also come from an abusive background and I’ve been in therapy for years.

I’m not fully healed yet, but my self worth and self love increased tremendously when I found hobbies and dedicated time to them. I built consistency with myself, slowly and over a period of time. Seeing the results of my work is very gratifying for me and helped me to “see my value” a bit more. Learn something new everyday and create something with your time, commit to a passion/ hobbie/ self improvement.

Find something that makes sense to you, something that you like. I tried hobbies in the past to be the “cool girl” for some man...nah. Find little things just for you. And, most of all, be patient and compassionate with yourself. You have inherent value as a person, specially as a woman. You are human and you’re prone to make mistakes like everyone else, forgive yourself. Every new is a clean canvas that you can paint on. Meditate, journal and cultivate good relationships with trustworthy and respectful people. You have to vet friends too.

[–]FluffandRaincloudsRuthless Strategist2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Darling, you can make a family with a "found family." That is a family IMO. A bunch of close friends who love each other, even without the tradition of blood-relation, is 100% legitimate. Single women who adopt or use fertility specialist services, etc.? Boom, a family. You cannot control other people. It's not your fault if you cannot find a HVM to create a nuclear family at this point. Is it possible? Sure! But if it doesn't happen, remember it is not your fault. This sub would not exist if our dominant culture wasn't so unhealthy and if there wasn't a widespread problem with bigoted attitudes toward women. Even if you don't believe me in this moment, pleasese try to repeat the phrase "I'm worthy of love." Even better if you write it on paper and/or say it in the mirror. You got this <3

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I don’t know how good my advice will be because I have never experienced abuse & have lived a very privileged life.

My dad is a HVM so he set the bar high for me as an example in a spouse. For some context, my mom ended up surviving an aneurysm when I was in elementary school. Doctors initially said she’d essentially be a vegetable the rest of her life but she wasn’t brain dead. My dad fought for her. She spent a year in the hospital then a year in-patient rehab, 2 years outpatient daily rehab. She has some issues speaking, no use of her right hand, & has difficulty walking but is able to live a good life. My dad cares for her & does most of the chores while also fully supporting my mom— he’s got an amazing career that he’s sacrificed significant promotions in order to take care of my mom since he needs a work/life balance. They’re still well enough off financially that they paid for my college— but he’d used my college fund to pay for my moms rehab that the insurance refused to cover so my dad had to cash flow it. He’s always told me that what he does for my mom is the bare minimum, if a man wouldn’t do that for me then he wasn’t worth my time.

My mom’s first husband (& my older brother’s dad) was abusive. My parents never said anything negative in front of us about my brothers dad so I didn’t find out about the abuse until I was a teen & went on a few dates with a guy who had some red flags. My dad pulled me aside and told me about my moms first husband and how he was worried because he wants me to be happy & being single is better than being in a disastrous relationship. So for any of you single mothers out there— HVM do marry single mothers, my mom is proof!

Back to advice— I guess it boils down on how you view sex in a relationship. To me, I am the prize. My time is what I saw as the exchange for the relationship so there was no need to offer sex. I only had sex with my now husband once I knew we’d eventually be getting married. Sex benefits us both — not just him. Sex is only within the bounds of a LTR. Commitment from a man could be just words, so it’s his actions that matter.

I’d suggest for your next relationship to wait for sex even within the bounds of a committed relationship. It doesn’t have to be all the way until marriage— but I think that it’d help you grow to value yourself more to be in a relationship without physical intimacy being on the table. If it helps you can put a time limit on your no sex rule; something like 6 months of a committed relationship, 1 year of commitment, an engagement ring, or marriage. Having a “goal post” so to speak can help you keep yourself committed the that boundary. Place that boundary where you feel comfortable placing it & don’t compromise on it! I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to wait all the way until marriage so when I told my husband physical intimacy wasn’t on the table, I told him I was leaning towards waiting until marriage but it could change (he knew I’d definitely be waiting a while either way) & I’d let him know if it did. So when we did take that next step, he didn’t lose respect for me because I broke my boundary on it. If you make a solid boundary, don’t compromise on it. My husband also didn’t pressure me to change my soft boundary at all which was a good sign. Before we took that step we talked about it and agreed that if I became pregnant (we’re personally both pro-life so abortion would not have been an option we’d consider), we’d immediately get married.

I hope my advice was helpful in some way!

[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]PR0N0IAFDS Newbie2 points3 points4 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

First step is to learn to love yourself. You need to know you’re worth it & exude the confidence that you are worth it before someone will be willing to wait for you. You have to believe it first. Someone who is willing to wait for you, is the kind of person that will love you how you need to be loved.

It doesn’t matter what you’re body type is or how “pretty” you are (you’re probably way prettier than you make yourself out to be)— that standard is one that is based on diminishing value over time. We all become less “conventionally attractive” as we age. A man who is looking for a life partner is focused on who you are as a person. Men have their income increase over time, while women have their physical beauty typically decline (according to societal convention of beauty anyways). Men of wealth know this so you’ll see a lot of billionaires or those worth hundreds of millions marry women who are more the “girl next door” look rather than supermodel hot (but they’ll still date the supermodel, they just don’t marry her). It’s important to accentuate your natural beauty but you don’t need to be the prettiest or thinnest to get a HVM.

If you feel you’re well below average attractiveness, work on getting yourself to a place where you feel pretty before considering entering into a relationship at all. The higher your own sense of self worth, the more attractive you’ll be as a potential wife to a HVM. Not all HVM are 6’4 with a 6 pack — just like not all HVW look like supermodels. HVM want to be married to a HVW— so become that HVW.

Know this is easier said than done. Start by every time you catch yourself saying / thinking something negative about yourself, think of 3 things you like about yourself. If you’re alone in the room at the time— say these 3 things out loud. Try not to use any one thing you like about yourself more than once a day. When you verbally acknowledge your positive aspects to yourself, it will help you build your self esteem. By forcing yourself to come up with 3 positives for each negative, it reinforces to yourself that you have value.

[–]DJSparksalotPickmeisha™️1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

Thanks for the tips. I do my best it's just that my best sucks. I am as hard working and attractive as I can be until I have the $ for a 360 lift because the tummy tuck wasn't enough. I take care of my hair and skin and workout and count calories. This (the pandemic) is the first time since I was 16 I haven't worked 40-80 hrs a week. I still managed to get all As in the slow part time work I'm putting in to get into nursing school.

Idk why no one can tolerate let alone love me. To me all the self care I do is self love and the deprecation is realistic & clarifying goals I need to work towards to be even better. It's frustrating to hear that I need to be fake to be worthy. How long do I have to keep lying about confidence that has no reason to be there? They don't even love me if I trick someone that way, they just love an act and it just crushes me even more to know my personality is so unlikable no one will ever tolerate the real me. Who is realistic and sad but also smart and hard working and willing to provide love and stability and loyalty to someone who would respect me and offer me the same. I don't have many standards for looks as long as I'm attracted to them and they have good hygiene. No one has ever loved me though. Even as a child with my mom abusing me no one loved me enough to protect me.

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Title	Harsh truth
Author	eng2fly
Upvotes	2607
Comments	102
Date	July 14, 2020 1:05 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hr1583/harsh_truth/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/harsh-truth.712241 https://theredarchive.com/post/712241

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