Why you shouldn’t live together before marriage: 2 real-life examples

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2021-12-28T22:02:39+00:00

One of my exes tried this, but I didn't want to move in with him by the time he finally asked. Looking back, it probably only happened because he got a bigger place, didn't find any male roommates, and expected me to come pay half and be the free bangmaid. He was pissy about the fact that I didn't want to move in, but he moved out months later. He would have uprooted my life just to save money on rent for a few months.

krissycole87 · 2021-12-29T00:51:55+00:00

My last ex asked me to move in with him within like 6ish months of being together. I obviously said no because I was completely settled in my own place with a roommate on a lease. And I would never move in with a guy after 6 months (even back then in my pickmeish days, I know even better now.)

Fast forward to 2 years into our relationship, I was moving and tossed out the idea that we find a place together. He said no because he was already settled where he was and basically scoffed at the idea. I said well shit you asked me 2 years ago to move with you, why the scoffing about it now? He said, and I shit you not:

"Our rent was going up so I wanted you to move in to help us pay the rent"

Forever vet my friends.

Rheanne · 2021-12-28T20:25:05+00:00

I moved in with a boyfriend during my “cool girl” phase where I said I didn’t believe in marriage (“It’s just a piece of paper” bla bla bla). The sex stopped almost immediately and we became basically roommates, but with me doing his laundry, dishes, cleaning, and buying all the household supplies. After 3 years living together, we broke up and he gave me 2 WEEKS to move out (it was his parents’ condo that we lived in). 2 weeks. And yes legally he was required to give me 30 days notice. My point is, that’s how much he valued our relationship after 3 years of living together.

oneheadlight312 · 2021-12-28T19:23:55+00:00

I don't move any guy im seeing in with me. Engaged or married? Yes I would. Boyfriend? No. If times are hard I can get a roommate to split bills with. Thats just me.

throhawey123 · 2021-12-28T18:51:09+00:00

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Kimpractical · 2021-12-28T18:57:30+00:00

Kind of a funny story. So my ex dumped me right after we bought a house together, we weren’t married. I got the help I needed and I’m over it. But recently I watched a video that said to imagine having a convo with your 16 year old self and what you would want to tell them about where you are in life right now. So I did that and imagined me telling 16 year old me everything. How I’m still single in my late 30s, never got married or had children by now like we thought we would. She asked me if we ever even got close. I tell her kind of but he dumped me right after we bought a house. Her response was: “you moved in before getting married????”

Yea so when I was younger I had imagined a more traditional order of things, but that shit somehow got messed up as I got older. For some reason I wanted to fit into a more modern and “open minded” way of looking at things and it backfired. I did so many things that 16 year old me would be ashamed of. I don’t blame myself anymore though, society has relentlessly been trying to push the whole “pro-sex” and 50/50 thing on us. I’m glad I found this sub and don’t buy into that bull shit anymore. Sorry 16 year old kimpractical, I promise to do better from here on out

JulyParade · 2021-12-28T23:32:53+00:00

Don't move in unless you can afford to move out.

ScaredTumbleweed · 2021-12-28T18:57:48+00:00

This! Ladies never, ever forget that men know exactly what they are doing when they seek to take advantage of us! I live in the NYC metro area and the high cost of living means many people I know are willing to jump into cohabitation just to be able to save $$$ on their rent / mortgage. Unfortunately we know that type of situation rarely benefits the woman involved whereas the man gets in house pussy, a live in maid, cook, etc. One thing I’ve learned is to be wary of a certain gleam in the eye from men who’ve learned that I live solo in a high cost of living area. That gleam usually indicates that I’m dealing with a scrotatious hobosexual in the making. Even during the worst of my pickme days I maintained a policy of “separate homes, separate finances” cuz I’ve seen way too many situations where women get screwed over by giving wife privileges to a man they are simply living with.

herbivorouscarnivore · 2021-12-28T19:34:56+00:00

One reason I’ve seen to move in together is that people can see if they’re compatible. There is an easy way to figure this out without trapping yourself - I mean, cohabitating with someone before marriage: go on a long roadtrip together. You’ll get to see how each of you handle unexpected changes, like traffic jams, getting lost, possibly unpleasant accommodations completely contradictory to online reviews, etc. The best part? It’s a lot easier to disengage from the relationship if you learn something you don’t like or is a dealbreaker.

thediverswife · 2021-12-28T22:22:52+00:00

Moving in with a man lets him pretend that he’s stepping up the commitment in a good way. Never forget the total advantages he gets - 50/50 rent, someone to cook and pick up after him and remind him to go to the doctor, sex on demand… that’s all way more compelling and he gets to look like he’s ‘serious’ about you too

MoreOfABunnyDay · 2021-12-28T18:52:30+00:00

I moved in after 9 months of dating and trying to break up with him felt impossible because our lives were so intertwined together at that point. He proposed to me after 3 years and I said I wasn't ready but he easily persuaded me to say yes since we "built a home together." Within a year of our marriage,, we filed for divorce. He was a porn addict the entire time and hid it extremely well.

It was freeing collecting my things from the house. Any time I tried to break it off he would say "where will you go? What will you do? All the stuff in the house is mine!" He owned most furniture but the books shelves were empty, the walls barren, all the sweet candles and warm blankets were gone after I took my things back. Made me realize all he had to offer to me were belongings, I offered love, warmth, and comfort.

I will never move in with a partner again until we are married... and thats IF I could ever fathom being legally bonded to someone again. Divorce is dehumanizing. Its torture.

hopeful_flounder93 · 2021-12-28T19:00:46+00:00

I totally get what you're saying OP, and avoiding being duped into forever-girlfriending is an absolute must, but there's one more thing to really watch out for, and that's to make sure you're not going to end up tied to some scrote that makes you pick up after him once you are already married (or God forbid, have children) and it's that much harder to leave.

The risk is never zero, but I think one way of women approaching this situation (aside from a few other obvious things, like taking note of how he lives) would be to live together for a few months after the man proposes, when the date of the wedding is set. Walk away if his place is gross, but also if his place is perfect BUT he backslides into not doing his part when you start living together. And always have a backup for your backup for your backup, especially if the nature of your relationship would leave you in a vulnerable position should something go wrong.

What I mean is, as women, we cannot afford to be stupid. If you're financially vulnerable as well as a woman, you need to be that much smarter. If you are poor and planning to have children with a man, such that you can foresee a marital/relationship breakdown being life-or-death levels of devastating for you, you need to be the smartest of all. You need to bust your ass to make sure you have a way out at every stage of the process. Act as though your life depends on planning ahead to leave a shitty man at any time, because it very well might.

consider-thecoconut · 2021-12-28T19:12:08+00:00

Yeah this happened to me. For 6 years ex brainwashed me that he wanted to get married and have kids and tried to talk me into it when I was only 19..despite never moving out of his parents or gou g to college or doing anything independent or growing up at all..

At 23-24 or so I'm like ok let's move in or I'm getting roommates (male because there weren't any women in my circle who wanted to move out) he flipped so we lived together. And I always told him I'm not going to mother him the way his mom does, shop for him cook for him clean for him etc. I am/was fairly career minded and working while putting myself through grad school and internships. Well we move in fast forward 3-4 years later he suddenly doesn't think he wants to get married or have kids and is dragging ass and just drinks beer and resents me for not mothering him.

I'll literally never move in with a guy again unless engaged its such a waste of time and so miserable. I feel like if you have to vet someone that way, they're just LV. A High value man would not waste your time like that and wouldn't need a trial period

Healingirl · 2021-12-28T22:18:07+00:00

I have to say I don't get all the posts promoting to live together before being engaged to test it out... I am referring to engagement here and nothing prevents you from moving in together after the man proposes.. if things go sour you can always break off the engagement...

Second, you have to trust yourselves ladies.. there are many ways to observe if he will be a good partner while living apart:

1) As the relationship grows you might see each other about 5 times a week anyway (no more though). This gives you great insights on how it'll be like living together. One thing is also to check if he helps you clean when at yours....

2) A holiday is always full of insights as well

3) i believe that the women who get surprised by the man being a slob or whatever else, actually ignored many red flags that were there even before living together...thinking it'll get better once you move in. I know I did, was one of my biggest mistake and trust me, it doesn't get better. There is also a sense of urgency that makes us see the red flags more blatantly when you live with someone because you feel kinda more "trapped" but all the red flags were there already... it really is a matter of trusting what you observe and not finding it any justification or thinking it'll get better. Real life example: I had all the signs my ex was a narcissist before living together, but it was pre-FDS and pre-therapy so I 100% didn't trust myself and even worse, I was blaming all his behavior on me (old pickme here 🤡.... but the signs were there...

To OP, your ex was definitely future faking you and you dodged a bullet. One question to ask yourself: you really think that someone who truly loves you would break up over texts/phones over this instead of just taking the relationship forward ? Nah sis!

donttextme_k · 2021-12-28T22:57:36+00:00

This is crazy but I have a real close friend that moved in with her bf and he proposed 2 months later. I advised her not to but it turned out fine for her. I guess she is one of the exceptions. I am happy for her though. And for anyone asking, they don’t go 50/50. He provides for everything and she has her own career. Thoughts?

Mysterious_Call_924 · 2021-12-28T19:05:12+00:00

I understand the people saying they want to see who a man really is by moving in with him in the comments or that it isn't financially practical to live alone, but the downsides of moving in before marriage are FAR greater.

If it's financially impractical to live on your own, get other roommates who are women. Also, the secret to who a man is isn't hiding in his apartment--you should be able to figure him out without needing to live at his place.

When the relationship goes south, you will be SCREWED if you live with him unless you have family support or can easily find a place. There is no guarantee that you can kick a man out--if he doesn't want to leave, you can't physically make him. Your shelter should not be tied up in you sexual status with a dude who has signed no legally binding documents with you.

Unfortunately, I'm against getting engaged and living together as well since I've now known about 4 diff women who got cheated out of years of their lives by engagements those men never meant to make good on.

otter_bott · 2021-12-28T19:37:24+00:00

I moved in with a man who I thought was HV after we got engaged. We bought a house together. His behaviour changed drastically once we moved in. I realized that he thought he had me locked down and I wouldn’t leave at that point (he said as much), so he dropped his nice guy act. I outlined my expectations and when he wouldn’t meet them, I left very quickly. I feel that for me cohabitating was an important step in the vetting process. I shudder to think of having married him, moved in, and then having to get divorced.

mandoa_sky · 2021-12-29T02:52:16+00:00

in Australia we have the "de facto law" which kicks in after 2 years of living together. it might be different where they live though.

jetcake · 2021-12-29T07:00:27+00:00

100% words to live by. DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER AS BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!

I have so many stories about this and it always comes down to the same thing: You are a convenience to him when you are paying half of the expenses.

There was a guy I met at my friend's sister's graduation party. He had a girl living with him and was hitting on me, then they mysteriously "broke up". When I wouldn't fill the void (read: Rebound) he stops talking to me. He proceeds to find a girl on an online dating app, love bombs her, and two months later she moves in with him. He ends up contacting me after she moves in to grovel, bitch, moan, complain, you name it that "She's not you!", tears her down about how much weight she gained, bad in bed. He asks for me to sext with him so he can take care of his poor, neglected ween. I shot him down in flames. *barf*

Years later, my friend's sister happens to bring said moron up in conversation. She tells me that him and her moved to Florida and she demanded they get married, he "didn't wanna", but she threatened to break up. Just so he could continue to have his bread and butter, he buys her a cheap ring that may as well have come out of gumball dispenser, and has their "wedding" at a courthouse. Oh, and her parents dislike him. Hmm, I wonder why... Moral of the story: When you make his life easier, he will still talk shit on you.

Second, I can vouch for my own experiences and reading things on here. My own parents didn't live together before they got married. My parents did buy their house before the wedding, my dad moved in, yet my mom stayed weekends. The rest of the week she was still living at home, going to work, and having her own space while seeing my dad during the week. My parents will be celebrating 40 years of marriage this April. I would certainly repeat what my parents did. Ask my dad his thoughts about living together before marriage and he answers, "Ah, so they are shacking up?" which is a pretty derogatory way to describe it.

Seeing the comments where some people are saying that they disagree with that part of the handbook and decided to go against it. Well, it's a pretty expensive and time consuming experiment to pour all of your mental and physical resources into someone you are just dating.

fds_throwaway_4_u · 2021-12-28T18:48:34+00:00

Holy shit. Men are users.

VaselineB · 2021-12-28T22:21:03+00:00

In my opinion, moving in with a man who hasn't yet married you can be a devastating life altering mistake. Most women I know who are married waited until after the wedding and in the very least the engagement. But I've certainly seen unmarried women left with cleared out bank accounts, babies needing child support, and other atrocities.

Its important not to rely on a man's word alone that he will marry you, as actions speak louder than words. Such a promise is akin to a 'verbal contract' which is never upheld in a court of law. At anytime he can say he fell out of love/ no longer wants marriage, etc and then in addition to dealing with heartbreak, you now have to find a new place to live, perhaps with babies in tow, which is extra stress that no one needs. There's a reason why it is age old wisdom across many cultures to not do this no matter what the man says or how much you need a new place to live.

Constant-Wanderer · 2021-12-28T18:39:36+00:00

As a born-and-bred New Yorker, not living together before marriage isn’t super practical.

But all the smart couples I know didn’t give their leases up, married or not.

I lived with an ex, and when I found out that he was cheating, I kept the apartment and kicked him out. Good enough for me, and a massive win in NYC. The apartment was idyllic enough to make the heartache worth it, lol.

Davina33 · 2021-12-29T11:15:47+00:00

This is so true. I've made this mistake in the past. I don't think I'll ever live with a man again, marriage or not. I got tired of cleaning up after them and cooking for them. I don't want children and they behave like children. It's even harder when you have multiple chronic illnesses.

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-12-29T10:18:08+00:00

Agreed! It's so great to find a place with like minded women. When I say I don't want to live with a man before marriage in real life or anywhere else online people act like I'm crazy. "How will you know if you get along? You're going to end up divorced!" 🙄

OvarianSynthesizer · 2021-12-29T02:18:23+00:00

I really hate that waiting for things like marriage to live together is lumped in with all sorts of toxic purity culture beliefs.

There are perfectly valid reasons for moving slowly in that regard that don’t require telling girls they’ll be "damaged goods" if they give in to perfectly natural desires with a HVM they’re not yet married to.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-12-29T03:11:05+00:00

In some countries such as Australia, you are considered common law “married” after cohabitating for a year. Meaning you get taxed as if you’re married but don’t get any other benefits of being married. So while I’m fine to move in at the bf/gf stage, why would I keep living with my bf without a proposal past 1 year if I’m being taxed as if we’re married?

iacint · 2021-12-29T06:14:38+00:00

My therapist sais that she allows her daughter to live with bfs. Cause living tight shows the true colors and helps to build new desires and standards. Basically live little, see what is trash, broke up, having new things in list what to ask for a partner and next partner is better than previous.

Penguuinz · 2021-12-29T16:08:20+00:00

Or you need to own the house/lease/whatever. Hold the power. My now husband, but first BF, lived with me in MY house. We broke up once and he had to get out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Title	Why you shouldn’t live together before marriage: 2 real-life examples
Author	dating-adventures
Upvotes	682
Comments	104
Date	December 28, 2021 6:19 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rqm1t1/why_you_shouldnt_live_together_before_marriage_2/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-you-shouldnt-live-together-before-marriage-2.1090223 https://theredarchive.com/post/1090223

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