Dead bedroom in long term relationships

_nephila · 2020-04-08T18:12:36+00:00

I don't disagree with you and do try to acquiesce to my husband's needs, within reason. Even if I'm not super into it in the beginning, I don't find myself ever regretting it.

I'm sure it helps he is very giving and always gung-ho about getting me off too, and understanding during our health-related dry spells. If he rubs my back and holds me while I'm having a full body migraine, I can give him my best when I feel good.

IntrepidStart · 2020-04-08T17:45:42+00:00

Marriage vows are active. I made a promise "to love" but if I withhold sexual activity so much that my partner doubts himself or my love for him, then I have failed to live up to my vows and have broken them.

Most people don't understand how to actively love and this makes their vows just empty promises.

TheSnowyPlover · 2020-04-08T18:55:39+00:00

I found myself in a dead bedroom situation (not my choice) in my first marriage, we went from wild AF sex before the wedding to... slowly right after the wedding to a dead bedroom.

I remember talking about it with my therapist and she (the therapist) told me that sex is the barometer of the health of a relationship.

Such a statement made a lot of sense to me then, and still does today.

Zorrostrian · 2020-04-09T02:27:43+00:00

Go take a look at r/deadbedrooms. I was surprised to find that most of the dead bedrooms on there are women who aren’t getting sex from their husbands, not the other way around. Porn addiction and frequent masturbation among their husbands also seems to be a common thread in most of these dead bedrooms.

WicGoingAnonymous · 2020-04-08T17:57:24+00:00

I personally got sick and that killed my libido and since we weren't aware that I was being sick, we kept trying to fix it differently and that obviously didn't work.

That's more common then you probably expect. Libido is delicate like that. Being tired can kill it, hormone fluctuations can kill it, birth control vcan kill it, a long dark winter can kill it, ... And it's not limited to women.

More so... Life happens and it's my personal opinion (based on observations, not data) that men's libido's generally go up with stress and women's libido's generally go down with stress. So the more stressfull life gets, the less into sex the women will be. And the older you get... More stress. You don't usually have a mortage or kids at 20.

Then maintenance sex happens because you are stressed and aren't feeling it and maintenance sex kills your libido completely because instead of something enjoyable, sex is now a chore and you only have recent memories of it being uncomfterable and painfull (because fucking an unaroused vagina hurts).

Either way, something is wrong with the situation if the libido goes away because prime years for sex of women are usually simular to the typical marriage age (35 is top sexual prime for women). It's might be an average occurrence, but it's not normal. There's a problem to be fixed.

mistresswhat · 2020-04-09T01:38:03+00:00

You see this as a contract. She doesn't. She had sex with you because she liked doing it and she committed to you because you made her believe you wanted that. You can't exactly whine that she's not respecting a contract that she never agreed to, especially since she absolutely would have dumped you if you'd presented the relationship in those terms. You're probably not doing all the stuff you did during the honeymoon period, either.

I've been the HL in a dead bedroom before, so I'm not unsympathetic but if you think about it like that you deserve the dead bedroom.

M4sterDis4ster · 2020-04-08T18:21:02+00:00

I know a couple with 6 kids. They have regular sex for a decade.

What hides behind is that she is a fitness trainer and the guy is Jiu Jitsu trainer. Both extremely attractive.

When you have something others dont have, you will take better care of it.

heythere360 · 2020-04-08T22:27:55+00:00

I truly believe if more men prioritized foreplay and getting the woman off a lot, they’d get more sex.

But I’ve found men are actually the ones preferring porn to their wives. Dead bedrooms is full of these instances and I’ve gone through it myself.

reluctantly_red · 2020-04-08T17:13:50+00:00

husband

Marriage is not and has never been intended to be a nonstop sex party

It's simply a financial arrangement to create an allegedly more stable environment for raising children.

I think it's outlived that use, however, so if you want kids and nonstop sex party, don't get married , knock up some girl, and continue sex party with other subsequent girls.

Put together a coparenting agreement, pay your child support, see your kid,

Lather rinse repeat die.

Orange_Paisley · 2020-04-08T17:22:11+00:00

Unless we aren’t getting along for whatever reason I’m generally up for fun. I can’t speak for your bedroom but as long as I feel loved, respected and desired I’ll return the favor.

Reisiluu · 2020-04-08T22:58:08+00:00

I will never turn down getting fingered or eaten out. Does any woman hate a free orgasm?

Your problem is thinking about your own pleasure only. So typical. Try pleasing her instead and she is more likely to reciprocate. What's the harm?

SeemedGood · 2020-04-08T18:27:17+00:00

Women do not owe men sex. They should only have sex with men whom they find sexually attractive and with whom they enjoy engaging in sexual interaction.

And...

Men do not owe women commitment. We should only commit to women who find us sexually attractive and enjoy engaging in sexual interaction with us.

If a woman does not find a man sexually attractive she should not have sex with him, nor should she expect commitment from him.

If a man does not find a woman sexually satisfying he should not commit to her, nor should he expect sexual interaction from her.

obvi_imnicklachey · 2020-04-08T18:45:28+00:00

1) many women still carry the old school belief that sex isn’t for women, it’s something women gift to men. Some women may stop some of their least enjoyed “marry me” performances once they get married. Sex is very often one of those. Some, less innocently, wield sex as a tool.

2) heterosexual women are, mostly, having just ok to awful sex. How many deadbedroom perpetrating wives can say they regularly got off when fucking their husbands? Idk...but I know that people like pleasure and usually run towards pleasure, so it doesn’t sound logical that a bunch of sexually satisfied women are just not fucking their husbands for no reason, right? Right.

3) emotional/domestic labor imbalance blah blah blah: an over stressed and over worked woman will just start dropping the ball. When juggling family life, she’ll let her looks go first, and not fucking you will soon follow.

4) men’s neurotic paradoxical n count obsession: many harbor the wet dream where they marry a virgin who is, somehow, a pornstar goddess. No one is saying anyone should pick someone promiscuous, but a lot of men vet “goodness” in women by picking the one who seems to know the LEAST about sex as a concept lol...and then have mediocre sex for years. I think there’s a happy medium in this n-count craze, where you can find a decent girl who isn’t a slut, but has enough sexual experience, life experience, or even just awareness of sex, that you’re not almost guaranteeing being sexless in 3 years by marrying her

Like most problems in the Gender Wars, this is the fault of men and women. Imagine that.

Grand_Duty · 2020-04-08T17:25:13+00:00

I can’t think of anything more depressing than fucking a women that doesn’t even want me. Why would any guy want starfish sex lol?

KSB__92 · 2020-04-09T10:35:40+00:00

I refuse to sleep with my partner if hes doing it just for his own pleasure, getting rammed with a dick for 5 minutes isn't enjoyable and can in fact hurt

So nah, I'd prefer the sex to be a mutual give and take kind of thing.

I've not had sex in weeks now.

Sepean · 2020-04-09T10:57:59+00:00

Because women want providers to provide - they don’t want to fuck them, and they only do so to the minimum amount needed to keep them around. Providers don’t have to be happy, they just have to stay and provide.

You won’t get passion and sex for providing. You have to be attractive to get that.

Innovative_being · 2020-04-08T20:40:42+00:00

Because women generally aren’t sexually attracted to the men they marry. They get married to the same men they ignored in their 20s

The men they marry are the complete opposite of the men they had lots of sex with in their 20s. It’s a recipe for dead bedrooms. This is why the marriage rate is declining.

Inb4 screeching

LadiesHomeCompanion · 2020-04-08T17:19:45+00:00

what’s the harm

Sexual Aversion Disorder.

Disassociation.

Vaginismus.

Forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want it is a great way to fuck yourself up mentally, if not your entire relationship.

Grub09 · 2020-04-09T00:46:04+00:00

Don’t become repulsive, disrespectful, selfish, and/or lazy, and I will continue to fuck you.

This is apparently a tall order

mindsanitizer · 2020-04-09T01:25:13+00:00

Biology plays a big role here. Womens hormones get fucked with by the pill, by stress, by having kids, and by menopause.

NarniaFox · 2020-04-09T08:38:01+00:00

If you read r/deadbeadrooms, you'll see that there are enough women who don't get any sex or even affection from their boyfriends and husbands.

Sex is an important part of relationships, but I don't think that anyone should have sex when they really aren't in the mood for it. Otherwise you can easily turn sex into a chore for a partner with a lower libido.

Edit: plus, I don't consider marriage an exchange of sex for commitment. My husband and I both are interested in these things and we both discussed and decided that an exclusive monogamous relationship is the best option for us.

mimikyoou · 2020-04-09T08:42:37+00:00

Bc it involves a lot more effort than most guys realize. You put in a LOT of work into making the right noises, the right facial expressions, the right movements, word choice, every little second has to be a constant and well-thought performance. With handjobs you usually have to say certain words, make a certain face - it just feels wrong to put it on so fake. And with certain guys blowjobs can be super painful.

Sex is an exhausting act for women.

jacare_o · 2020-04-10T14:08:40+00:00

Don't sign a legal contract that ties you down and leaves you at a disadvantage. Always be able to leave if you're not happy.

Mimoxs · 2020-04-08T19:13:13+00:00

This is what I've always done

But to be fair it can cause a lot of resentment from the woman to the man, to the point that they never want sex. If you have sex every time he wants it, that means when he's hurt you, which teaches him he can hurt you and still get sex, which gives him no motive to be nice to you ever, and that very quickly makes her miserable.

Would you rather have a female who wants sex a couple times a week and is happy about it or a female who has sex with you all the time but she cries afterwards every time?

MuleFool42 · 2020-04-08T17:26:21+00:00

This is a huge reason for men to not get married. Most men want sex on the regular and assume that is part of the marriage. But after the marriage the woman has secured commitment from him and is not obliged to regular sex.

This is yet another reason for men to not get married. The probability is that they'll get more sex single than they would married.

Full disclosure, I'm MGTOW, so for this any MANY other reasons, marriage is no longer a good decision for men. It carries a huge amount of risk and dwindling benefits.

superlurkage · 2020-04-08T17:53:09+00:00

What’s an acceptable length or reason for a “dry spell”? I love how you describe it as something akin to the weather, when I suspect there are actually reasons behind them, such as health issues, stress, childbirth, or just plain being busy.

Or maybe, along with being lazy and selfish, the man has, uh, also become complacent and low effort.

All I can say is, I fuck my husband whenever he wants. Because he is very solicitous of my physical/mental state, isn’t a lazy shit who thinks I’m his servant, and always gives 100% in bed.

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NixieNik99 · 2020-04-09T00:26:42+00:00

If you're HLF then you have no probs 🙃 . From reading other forums it's usually a woman with less n count and experience that ends up disappointing her SO with dead bedroom . Religion also plays a key role . A lot of women have been raised sex is about breeding . If your not into sex for breeding some individuals don't find it a necessity . Plus if a woman settled for a man she's not sexually attracted to . Some may think the mess that comes with sex isn't worth the ride . Especially if she isn't in to the penis . Again all leading back to sex being away to make babies not the sexual need men may think it is . If your woman doesn't worship/ love your penis then she's not that into you .....Just being honest.
Your asking for heart break and eventual dead bedroom.

Zippo-Cat · 2020-04-09T06:56:26+00:00

Most women don't have "husbands commiting to them", they SETTLE on their husbands out of necessity.

Come on ladies - unless your sick or in pain, What's the harm in pleasing a guy who commited to you instead of anyone else? Even if you not actively horny.

What's the harm in you fucking a dude unless you're sick or in pain? This is the same level of argument.

LadyFerretQueen · 2020-04-09T12:46:05+00:00

Are you for real with this? You want to be able to rape your parter because you're in a relationship?

I do have to say, there was an awesome topic one time on AskWomen where so many shared how their parrtner initiate sex afterba while. Most of us get bored because our partners think poking you with their dick is enough because you're together.

If more guys want sex, turn her on, don't pressure and don't expect it just because you were a bit nice.

TomahawkSuppository · 2020-04-09T23:20:57+00:00

Because once a woman has commitment she can relax. Until then she is performing for what she wants. Once she has the ring and the weddings done, it’s time to titrations that sex way down to once a month starfish sex. That’s usually also a good sign to the guy that she married your penis with you for the convenience.

BruhMoment45886 · 2020-04-08T19:34:11+00:00

Because women dont care about pleasing their man. As soon as they get what they want locked down they think "what's in it for me?".

A girl will have a one night stand with a hot guy. "What's in it for me?"- sex with a hot guy

A girl will have sex with a meh guy. "What's in it for me?"- commitment and security

You can tell if a girl really wants to sleep with you if shes willing to fuck you without you having to commit and settle down like a transaction.

Women dont sacrifice except for their children. It's really not that hard to just let your husband that loves you fuck you once or twice a week even if you arent in the mood. Women will use every excuse in the book to not sleep with their beta bux. I'm tired, its messy, I'm a woman so everything has to be perfect. Blah blah.

It comes down to being selfish.

sadpourtoujours · 2020-04-08T20:13:02+00:00

Usually because the gentleman who wooed and romanced her and got her all slick between the legs with his chivalry, romance, and consideration turns into a lazy, inconsiderate, man-child who doesn’t lift a finger to help with chores, the baby, or any other domestic or emotional labor. The woman takes on the majority of the household, usually “nags” her husband to take more responsibility (he doesn’t), and as a result resentment grows. The woman is put out and turned off mentally because the man no longer does those things that gets her WET (being considerate, making her feel beautiful, romancing her) and she sees him in a new, selfish light due to his inability to pull his weight around the house. Then the man then demands sex without being a romantic gentleman. Not realizing that the female sex drive is psychological. That romance, self-esteem, and a woman feeling protected/cared for/loved/wooed (which can be stimulated by a man helping around the house, being empathetic to his female partners needs, trying to please her) is what makes women want dick (it’s literally fucking basic biology—woman crave feeling this way). So she gives in because he whines and complains and she feels used and like a sex object afterward (furthering the disgust/resentment), because mentally she is disconnected and her husband is too brain dead, and has such low-level empathy that he doesn’t even notice her resentment or give a fuck. Meanwhile he consumes porn and she’s seen it off course, furthering the feeling of her being unattractive (once again students—women’s sexuality = mental). And this vicious cycle continues until they’re both dead.

Now are all men this fucking out of touch? Nope. There’s hundreds of threads from women out there confused AS FUCK becuse with their ex partner/bf/husband they had no sex drive and it was a dead bedroom. But with their current bf/partner/husband? They can’t get enough of that dick. They wish they could pack that dick in a suitcase and take it with them everywhere. The difference that is stated? Their new partner is attentive, cares about pleasing her (not JUST in the bedroom), helps around the house, cooks her dinner, takes her out on dates, romances her, makes her feel incredible. Now these men? These men are SMART because they get it. They know when she’s seen him doing the laundry she’s getting steamy. They know when they take her out on Valentine’s Day to that special event with roses, music, and a 4-course meal, she’s already getting wet at the table. They get it. And they’re getting laid.

Y’all can argue and cry about this, but this is meant as an instructional guide for you men. You want your woman’s pussy to be wet? Do the fucking dishes. Bring her roses. Cook her dinner. Take her out and show her off. Care about her problems genuinely. Make her feel beautiful and special OUTSIDE of a sexual context. (Women don’t like to feel like sex objects all the fucking time! They want to believe that you value them for wHo tHeY aRe so suppress your animal urges). If you want more insight, actually go to women’s subs and instead of getting your boxers in bunch LISTEN TO WHAT TURNS THEM ON and please them. Listen to what their ex did that was reductive. It’s not that fucking hard.

Loopylafae · 2020-04-08T18:27:41+00:00

If men cared about giving their woman pleasure - they'd get laid more.

12112019 · 2020-04-08T20:25:39+00:00

The problem is that they have settled with betas with whom there is a weak attraction, in a year or two they literally are sick and tired of fucking these men.

That is why it was such a raw deal for these betas, if they would of known what they were signing to, they would of kicked these women out immediately and start paying for sex.

DontNeedMuchMoney · 2020-04-08T17:21:25+00:00

[deleted]

901735 · 2020-04-08T20:04:44+00:00

Why does it seem after a relationship is serious enough sex becomes harder for the man to get?

For the man to get or for the woman to give?

OnlyHQNPGirlsPlz · 2020-04-09T05:44:36+00:00

Women generally stop pursuing sex once they get "secure" with their partner. Sex from what I've seen from most women is an attempt to lure in a high status sexy male, but barring that, they wil "settle" for a guy they don't really want, just for the money.

basedmillennial95 · 2020-04-12T15:26:57+00:00

Deadbedroom is the end result of a long term relationship. Why is this so hard for people to understand???

Other-Lobster · 2020-05-04T14:08:41+00:00

We had a drop off in sex after our child was born. She had a C-section and of course there was some pain still once we got back to having sex. We stilled had sex but it was unfulfilling sex. Most sex sessions would be lying down in bed her putting lube on and stroking me til hard then I insert and she gets her vibe out and we end up both orgasm but no real foreplay or anything going on just quick and over. This went on for a couple of years with me getting frustrated about the lack of sex and the quality of sex. Which leads us to now. We knew we only wanted one child and we made up our mind to make sure only one. So I got a vasectomy. Went fine no issues there and she said no more birth control. Well a couple of weeks after my vasectomy she came to me and said hey let's try something new and have sex in the den with a porn on and we can play with ourselves and each other to work up to sex. She had already stopped BC and thus we tried this. Well it went really well and we turned on porn and watched each other play with ourselves and then while she was using her vibe she puts it down and climbs on top of me to ride me for several minutes then lays back down and gets the vibe again but really just looks at me while we both get off. Was the best we had in years. Guess what no lube needed. We have now done this several times in the last few months with other positions and it has been a lot better quality. Now I am working on a how to get a few more times during the week.

DontNeedMuchMoney · 2020-04-08T21:53:38+00:00

Commitment is not a one and done deal. You don't get to put a ring on her, say "There, I've committed" and demand sex for the rest of your life with no further effort. When you commit to a woman, you are vowing to keep her safe and making her life easier, not harder. When men falter in these things, that's when dry spells happen.

DontNeedMuchMoney · 2020-04-08T17:54:13+00:00

There’s no harm if he’s assertive enough to ask when he’s in the mood and not mind if you’re just being accommodating.

The harm comes when he just withdraws or takes it out on her in passive-aggressive ways instead of communicating, or starts lashing out about not wanting her ‘pity sex’ in ways that are not constructive.

When I’m bored in a LTR, I’m bored and I want out. The thought of sex with him disgusts me. Either I don’t trust him, or he’s stopped seducing me, but sex isn’t likely to happen if I don’t like him anymore.

Title	Dead bedroom in long term relationships
Author	DontNeedMuchMoney
Upvotes	10
Comments	395
Date	April 8, 2020 5:09 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/fxadwz/dead_bedroom_in_long_term_relationships/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/dead-bedroom-in-long-term-relationships.361430 https://theredarchive.com/post/361430

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