Dead bedroom phenomenon causes?

goatismycopilot · 2021-07-09T15:08:17+00:00

Dead bedrooms used to happen all the time the difference is nobody talked about it. Pre boner pills a lot of older guys had health problems that killed the boner and menopause for women was something that you tolerated. So it was considered a consequence of aging that people accepted.

And grandma and grandpa were not having porn sex.

Men who could got side action.

This idea that there was a magical unicorn time when married/LTR people were having amazing sex all the time is naive.

NarniaFox · 2021-07-09T15:05:46+00:00

I think you've missed physical/mental health issues that can cause dead bedroom. Hormones issues (low testosterone in men for example), any issues that make penetration painful, depression and antidepressant that kill one's libido, any kind of serious health issues that generally affect one's well-being and quality of life, a more specific example is any cancer that requires chemo close to vagina and can cause vaginal canal to "close" with scar tissues etc.

I think the most common issues are:

Resentment
Low libido of one partner and incompatibility as a result
Cheating
Porn issue
Health problems

And yep, I'm basing it on things I've read in the subreddit dedicated to the issue. Personally I know one couple with this problem, but they divorced and the husband has gambling problem, so I think it's self-explanatory in their case.

Orange_Paisley · 2021-07-09T18:20:53+00:00

The one dead bedroom I had was because passion and romance was overtaken by my ex-partner jamming his erect penis into my back early in the morning while I was sleeping. If you can’t even be bothered to kiss me first, I’d rather get the extra sleep.

SonicBackScratcher · 2021-07-09T19:27:12+00:00

As a medical person I'll tell you about 60% of it.

Low T.

Not the men, the women.

Women need testosterone too for sex drive and it crashes in many women, maybe most in their 40's. Its still mostly off label but you can get testosterone replacement therapy for women and yea the sex drive comes back for most.

ToughAnswers · 2021-07-09T13:58:29+00:00

The sex just gets boring and no one can control this

Couples get too familiar and too comfortable with each other. Comfort is the opposite of excitement and familiarity kills the thrill so to speak

Alternate of number 9: Living in the same house causes the "roommate mindset" to arise, causing one or the other party to become too comfortable with the idea of a glorified housemate instead of a partner/spouse

The Bored Sex - Women, more than men, tend to feel stultified by long-term exclusivity—despite having been taught that they were designed for it.

festival-papi · 2021-07-09T15:10:51+00:00

I think each option has credence but the ninth seems to be the pinpoint and actually includes five and seven.

When you're in an LTR, there's an incentive to stay on your p's and q's because you're not bound together through finances or children so you have to continue to put in constant effort because the other party (assuming they have self-respect), will cut their losses and end things.

In a marriage, things switch up due to how it's portrayed. We're taught that marriage is the endgame and end-goal. You wouldn't believe how many married couples tied the knot because "it's just what you're supposed to do!" A few years past in your marriage and you have a family vehicle, house, kids. Maybe you wanted all that, maybe you didn't, either way "it's just what you're supposed to do!" And with all that comes with it, both parties get comfortable.

The husband gets fat because he "doesn't have time" to work out anymore, loses his ambition because "there's more important things" stops courting and appreciating his wife because "she's a wife and mother, it's what she's supposed to do" and becomes a shell of his former self, which his wife resents him for (she's not innocent in this scenario.)

The wife stays fat after her pregnancy because she "doesn't have the time" to put effort into her health, keeps an attitude because she's "stressed all the time" stops showing appreciation to her husband because "he's a husband and a father, it's what he's supposed to do" and stops putting effort into her look because her husband "shouldn't be so shallow."

My point is that you'll rarely find the cause of a DB to be just the husband or just the wife. Usually what happens is they get comfortable and put in less effort than before because now they already have their husband/wife and rationalize that the other party should stay to "keep the family together and shouldn't put their selfish needs over the family" when in reality, the kids aren't happy if mommy and daddy aren't clearly happy with each other and I'm a byproduct of that.

Liberal_On_Guns · 2021-07-09T16:02:02+00:00

Some would say this is a reason not to get married, but I don't go there. You simply listed a bunch of explanations. But simply put, as a man you have to live in reality. And by reality, I simply mean that the consequences of your actions (or inaction) are far greater than a woman's. Here are a couple of realities you must realize:

You didn't win the game by getting married. There is still time on the clock, so you still have to perform.
If you don't perform, you will be blamed for the dead bedroom.
She won't perform if you don't perform. It starts with you.

Dead bedrooms arise when she is a combination of complacent and ungrateful. Why? Because her sexual performance is basically derived from sexual urgency (If I don't give it up, he can get it elsewhere, easily), and/or gratitude (happy that she was wifed up by you).

So you can't slip into the dad bod, and you can't allow her to let herself go either. By that, I mean the boundary has to be set clear from the jump: NO FAT CHICKS, PERIOD. Can you maintain frame with a dad bod? Yeah, but it will be harder to maintain frame when you let yourself get fat and lower T. When women opine about liking the "Dad bod," what they mean is that they like their husband having a dad bod because he has less sexual abundance, thus securing her position (she has more power) in the relationship.

You can't stop improving, either. It doesn't even have to be massive improvements all the time. But every time you level up, in any facet of life, you reinforce the idea in her head that you are the optimal choice for her. Satisfying a woman's hypergamy (the key to avoiding the dead bedroom) is quite simple, but it's not easy, similar to getting a 6-pack. The thing blackpillers miss is that once she picks you, she now has a bias in your favor (women will always seek to validate their choices), which means it's actually easier to satisfy her hypergamy, but it's also easier to give up frame and get complacent. Too many guys get complacent and don't stay on their purpose, disciplined.

You have to keep improving, and stay interesting, which allows you to hold frame.

SouthernGrass3 · 2021-07-09T22:25:10+00:00

These all seem feasible. Another theory:

-Given the popularity of porn, people’s expectations are for wilder/higher effort sex than what was expected by past generations.

One problem is that with the aging process (fatigue, people getting somewhat less attractive) and the naturally diminished intensity of attraction that occurrs during the life course of a relationship, wild/high exertion sex may no longer be appealing to one or both parties and people may not want to admit this to their partners.

Ex: If you’re exhausted/ not super in-the-mood, a vanilla quickie might still be on the table, but if you think your partner wants to sit on your face, you might just avoid sex.

biggestuzifanea · 2021-07-09T19:36:07+00:00

It's because of women period. Look up lesbian bed death lol, after time women want less sex

Siukslinis_acc · 2021-07-09T14:38:41+00:00

I think as time goes the new relationship energy boost goes away (also aging tends to reduce the maximum capacity of energy) and life in general drains the energy enough so that both of you might just want to lie in bed (or sprawl out on a couch and watch TV) and do nothing when comming home from work.

Basically the day to day life (maybe even the monotony of it) and worries drain the energy, so that you don't have any left for sex.

MasterTeacher123 · 2021-07-09T15:57:49+00:00

People often say it’s because the guy got fat but men and women are obese/overweight at comparable rates in this country and fat people tend to marry and date other fat people. The fit guy doesn’t date the obese woman.

So it’s fat wives refusing to bang their fat husbands in this scenario. She’s no better than him 🤣

midwestufohunter · 2021-07-09T17:38:54+00:00

My theory is that men get into relationships for sex, not because they want to be in a relationship w that particular woman.

So then of course all the normal relationship "upkeep" labor feels like a chore and he doesn't do it.

So then she feels less into the relationship and doesn't feel like sex.

Severe-Pirate · 2021-07-09T14:13:33+00:00

IMO, I think the most common reason is that a significant portion of women do not see the appeal of sex in a long term relationship. They want sexual variety and feel stifled in a monogamous relationship. In one study, it was shown that women’s sexual desire drop significantly in the first seven years of a relationship. Another study showed that women were 45% more likely to lose interest in sex after being with a partner between 1 to 5 years.

https://bestlifeonline.com/boring-sex-wednesday-martin/

Murphysmongoose · 2021-07-09T14:36:32+00:00

2, 5, and 8/9 on the woman's side mostly.

Well #5 for men, 2, 8, 9 for women.women get tired of sleeping with same man faster than he gets tired of sleeping with her. Otherwords he still wants the sex, would be happy with the sex, she would be happier sleeping with new novelty.

InB4 women tell me how they know they could true love forever- that's not the same thing as getting wet and Randy for him.

TheDevilPutD · 2021-07-09T14:14:59+00:00

Show me a hot woman and I will show you a guy tired of fucking her.

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Timmy721123 · 2021-07-09T16:15:20+00:00

Everyone gets old and fat and unattractive.

focusedgrowth9 · 2021-07-09T16:48:05+00:00

Woman loses attraction and respect for the man. The man basically needs to use pickup artistry on his own wife.

wekacuck · 2021-07-09T17:06:14+00:00

The only opinion I have is that 8 isn't true,

Also, there is always a low desire partner in each relationship and that partner controls the relationship's sexual activity. The high desire partner will tend to be hypersensitive to the low-desire partner's feelings thinking that avoiding negative experiences will promote the low-desire partner's desire. So the high-desire partner will focus on the narrow few items that reliably don't cause problems and abandon things they are interested in. So that's how the sex can get boring.

Novadina · 2021-07-09T17:39:28+00:00

I’ve known a few couples who had a dead bedroom, and I have to say for all of them it was 100% predictable from the beginning of the relationship. They were just never sexually compatible, but liked other things about the person so tried to make it work, or they thought the other person would change eventually to be into sex the same way they were. A lot of times I heard “I don’t want to break up just over sex!” as if sex wasn’t a major important thing in an exclusive relationship where you promise to only have sex with that one person… Typically the incompatibility got worse with time - like the one who didn’t like it much didn’t want to keep doing it anymore, or the one who didn’t put much effort in ended up putting no effort in, or the one who was kinky got tired of vanilla sex and so just stopped altogether.

801735 · 2021-07-09T17:46:49+00:00

Firmly link commitment and loyalty to alive bedroom and the problem will be solved in many cases.

Want commitment? So do I. You just "understand" commitment differently than I do, that's all "love". It's not that I don't love you anymore, I just "fell out of commitment with you" on the 1st sign of dead bedroom. You see, "honey", my commitment is like a flower, it needs to be regularly watered. Surely you can ~~understand~~ feel that, right? You know I don't need you, but I do want to want you, and you're just lately making yourself unwantable. It's not me, it's you, and I just feeeeeel like there is no us anymore for me to be committed in, you know?

Problem?

Ladyofblades · 2021-07-09T21:21:09+00:00

You forgot - he or she settled for their partner and their inherent lack of attraction is just manifested itself

ThouWontThrowaway · 2021-07-10T04:11:23+00:00

I concur

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-07-10T15:43:55+00:00

Dead Bedrooms most usually happen because one of the partners, usually the women, is used to having short term sexual relationships.

SaBahRub · 2021-07-09T14:39:23+00:00

Aging, weight gain, stress, boredom, fatigue, laziness, physical/mental illness, addiction, selfishness

Same as for lots of things

Divorce/breakup, improve or shut up, whiners

daddysgotanew · 2021-07-09T14:49:59+00:00

Women are only sexually interested in the top 5 percent of men. Everything else is a concession, a necessity, a “well Chad leaves me on read now so I guess Jake will do.”

Thats it.

xFallacyx69 · 2021-07-09T16:08:16+00:00

Dead bedrooms are literally one persons inability to effectively identify and communicate an issue.

Sex has literally so many health and relationship benefits, and it’s the easiest thing to do.

Just break it off if you or your SO is unable to form a physical and emotional bond on a basic level.

They fucked you often and energetically before, someone else will do so as well.

gimpgirl555 · 2021-07-09T15:54:51+00:00

Option nr 6

A lot of women weren't attracted to the men they married in the first place

superlurkage · 2021-07-09T19:37:55+00:00

In order, complacency/boredom, stress/children/time, resentment, physical or mental issues, including aging

I do not consider pre/post natal sexlessness to be a dead bedroom

Sex slows down, people. It is not a calamity. Just freaking divorce if you’re really that bothered —- so I guess a bit of #1 too

Present_Value_3855 · 2021-07-30T01:54:14+00:00

I agree with that

redditradishman · 2021-07-09T14:56:27+00:00

Another reason to avoid marriage and cohabitation. Soon as the sex dries up you move on to someone else.

TheSunshineMan · 2021-07-09T20:43:32+00:00

Men not being men.

Title	Dead bedroom phenomenon causes?
Author	Spread-Em-Plz
Upvotes	9
Comments	221
Date	July 9, 2021 1:54 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ogw1kd/dead_bedroom_phenomenon_causes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/dead-bedroom-phenomenon-causes.789545 https://theredarchive.com/post/789545

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