Do you think a woman’s maintenance level changes depending on the man she’s with?

rosesonthefloor · 2022-06-22T16:07:05+00:00

I don’t think that a woman’s maintenance level changes meaningfully unless she’s subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship. If that’s the case, nothing you do will be enough.

In most cases, women have a set standard of how they like to be treated. High maintenance women will continue to be high maintenance, but may shift a little either way. Low maintenance women will continue to be low maintenance, except in cases where they present as lower-maintenance than they actually are due to insecurities, and may get a bit higher maintenance with greater self-esteem.

Orange_Paisley · 2022-06-22T16:56:54+00:00

A lot of divorces happen because the woman felt alone in the emotional labor of the relationship. They aren't going to be magically happy to do all of everything themselves just because you're hot.

Siukslinis_acc · 2022-06-22T18:23:29+00:00

When the honeymoon phase ends, day to day life aspects start to get bigger attention, so how you deal with the dull everyday life becomes more important.

anon018274031 · 2022-06-22T19:54:37+00:00

Women here.

I don’t know give a shit what a man looks like- if he doesn’t do the dishes and cook at least 50% of the time, and take care of me when I’m sick, I don’t want him.

Nothing to do with what he looks like, just not here to pick up an adult child.

Edit: found your comments saying you were always around hers and you cooked like 3 times. I would have run a mile. I don’t care if you look like Chris Hemsworth.

EulenWatcher · 2022-06-22T16:00:02+00:00

I guess it might work like this in the beginning of relationships, but with time sexual attraction will get affected by a lack of care and resentment that can easily get build if one partner feels they do more or they aren't appreciated/loved enough.

She might have not been attracted to you that much from the beginning or she might have lost attraction to you since you weren't caring enough. Depending on your salary and her tastes gifts can be an easy thing to do and if you did them far more than just showing her appreciations and care she might have felt like you were trying to buy off this way.

Anyway, if that's a repeating issue in your relationships, chances are high you do have issues with being caring towards your partner or actually showing it.

Demasii · 2022-06-22T17:30:50+00:00

Things she mentioned that I could have done were her dishes, cooking, and taking more care of her when was sick. I felt like shit when she first mentioned this to me

She was sick so yes should have done more. Especially cooking. It's common for a SO to warm up some soup.

but it got me thinking… if I was better looking, I don’t think that would’ve been an issue. What do you guys think?

The girl was sick and at a low point physically. Soup is more important at that point than your looks so in this situation no.

I generally agree that good looking people get away with doing less but something really simple like this is the cut off.

ImAGhostOooooooo · 2022-06-22T22:16:08+00:00

So she literally told you that you didn't help her enough throughout the house or care for her when she was sick, and your conclusion is that it has something to do with your looks?

How did you come to that conclusion when she literally told you exactly what was wrong?

todo_pasa_ · 2022-06-22T17:24:23+00:00

how on earth doing dishes, cooking, and taking more care of her when was sick makes her HIGH MAINTENANCE?

yeah, sure, physical attraction is the problem, you should go to the gym so that you don't have to take care of her when she's sick /s

Financial_Leave4411 · 2022-06-22T16:29:21+00:00

It wouldn’t matter how hot you are if you ignore your partner. They will either leave or become cold/distant from you.

PinkPurpleGreenx · 2022-06-22T22:42:12+00:00

If you are a lazy, ungrateful slob it doesn’t matter how hot you are. After some time women will get fed up with you BS and leave.

Giallo_submarine · 2022-06-22T15:50:14+00:00

I think it's a safe assumption, yes.

I've been with women who thought I was the most attractive man on the planet, and to them everything I did was hilarious, romantic, thoughtful etc.

I've also been with women whom I could tell thought "ehhh... he'll do" about me, and with them I could run myself ragged and they'd still have found something to complain about.

My takeaway is: don't bother with a relationship unless you both find each other extremely physically attractive. The alternative rarely ends well. Just my experience though, YMMV and I'm just a guy on the Internet - you are not obligated to listen to me.

briiiana1122 · 2022-06-22T16:28:41+00:00

I think people need to just move on when a relationship ends instead of inventing some additional reason it didn’t work and obsessing over that.

In this case she communicated she wasn’t satisfied in the relationship and ended it. That’s a reason people break up. Unless there are other reasons to think it was related to looks then why spiral around and make it about looks? Maybe what she told you was the whole story, maybe she saw you pick your nose and lost all attraction, maybe she just wants to be single for the summer. Does any of it really change anything?

-angels-fan- · 2022-06-22T18:14:28+00:00

Looks can only get you so far.

Even the hottest guy will get old if he isn't nurturing the relationship.

delight-n-angers · 2022-06-22T23:31:24+00:00

Nope, I don't think the standards or love languages would change if you were "hotter". A huge number of divorces, including with hot wealthy men, get initiated because the men don't hold up their end of the mental load.

This comic is a really great explainer on the concept of mental load and "acts of service" is often part of that.

For me, I'm polyamorous (though currently mono to one partner) and any time i had multiple partners my love languages (acts of service and words of affirmation) were exactly the same with each partner regardless of gender or attractiveness. I will say that i do "expect" more of my primary/live-in partner but that's just because we had more shared responsibilities.

TomBerwick1984 · 2022-06-22T18:21:34+00:00

Things she mentioned that I could have done were her dishes, cooking, and taking more care of her when was sick

Sounds reasonable to me.

if I was better looking, I don’t think that would’ve been an issue.

She's an individual, and you know her best, noone here can give a better answer to that question than you. Do you think she's that kind of person, based on what you know of her?

Generally speaking based on research I've seen... Looks are the best way of creating romantic interest, but it doesn't keep people around (I believe apart from teen or shallow women. Many women who Red Pillers claim are stuck on Chad who is a loser, usually don't live with loser Chad in a long term relationship).

Novadina · 2022-06-22T18:24:49+00:00

My love languages are touch and quality time and I also wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t do the dishes, cook, or take care of me when I’m sick, no matter how hot he was. This is normal loving behavior and not being high maintenance. For a relationship it requires more than just being hot. If you’re just having casual sex then maybe being hot is the main requirement, but for a relationship I want an adult partner, meaning one who cooks for me as much I cook for them (or maybe does some other daily chore in exchange) and doesn’t expect me to do all the housework, and one who cares for me, meaning takes care of me when I’m sick just like I do for them. Being hot doesn’t really replace a meal lol.

EnteFetz · 2022-06-22T15:50:59+00:00

The whole concept of "love language" sounds like total BS to me. When a girl says her love language is receiving gifts, that simply means she is a high maintenance gold digger and you should see the massive red flag and dump her.

And of course if you are more attractive, she will be able to ignore things she does not like about you. If she is not attracted to you she will make more demands.

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-06-22T15:48:07+00:00

No, what I expect from a guy is pretty much the same across the board. Exceptions can be made, but only if I can get to a point of real love and trust.

No-Priority7869 · 2022-06-22T16:30:36+00:00

People with the Gifts love language are bad news every single time. The givers want to be able to buy you with no other effort. The receivers are gold diggers. Most are too shallow and narcissistic to be able to use another language at all and will always fall back to buying shit after a few failures at being deep

drawmatoman · 2022-06-23T02:46:54+00:00

You could have fulfilled all the love languages and she would have broken up for some other ridiculous reason. It is all about attractiveness and the honeymoon phase ending. I know from experience.

Willow-girl · 2022-06-23T03:25:45+00:00

I am high-maintenance under all circumstances. Stratospherically high!

Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-06-22T15:53:34+00:00

I think your ex uses buzzwords like “love language” to try and get people to buy her things and do stuff for her. You are better off without her.

Find a less selfish girl that’s more chill.

Hoopy223 · 2022-06-22T17:18:52+00:00

Have some respect for yourself man.

You seriously believe that if you bought more junk for her that she doesn’t need (cough gifts cough) or made extra cans of soup for her while she sat in bed she would still be around?

Just watch, the next guy she dates won’t do any of that shit and she’ll hang all over him lol.

LarryLooxmax · 2022-06-22T18:20:06+00:00

I think if any of that actually mattered she wouldve had a conversation with you and tried to work things out, not immediately dumped you. She isnt necessarily lying but she lacks self awareness to say “i was just overall not that happy with you.”

Dont take it too hard bro. Work on yourself and find a better girlfriend who appreciates you more. Not one that demands you jump through hoops on pain of being dumped.

Longshot_56 · 2022-06-22T16:33:31+00:00

Her love languages were gift giving and acts of service.

Oof. She wanted an ATM and a slave. Sorry bud.

crookedsummer2019 · 2022-06-22T16:14:04+00:00

When someone’s love language is ‘gifts and acts of service’, that sounds like entitlement to me, no matter the gender.

I don’t think this has anything to do with how a guy looks. I do think you’re probably better off without her, unless you like doing other people’s dishes.

pearllovespink · 2022-06-22T17:45:44+00:00

Did you all live together? I’m assuming so. Because there’s no reason she should be expecting you to do chores in her home.

Some women do let certain men get away with things. In relationships, I’m pretty set in stone of my expectations and what I won’t tolerate. My maintenance won’t change when it comes to that.

anon-sucks · 2022-06-22T18:22:05+00:00

If her love language is gift giving, did she give you gifts? Because if she didn’t that’s called gold digging.

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toasterchild · 2022-06-22T16:00:04+00:00

Maybe but really you will never know, people get sick of being with their attractive partners too. You can get sick of anyone. I think it's more likely that she was looking for an excuse to break up. People who value gift giving are typically really superficial and flaky, you probably dodged a bullet.

wtknight · 2022-06-22T17:05:37+00:00

People give people who they are very attracted to a bit more leeway but, in the end, if the man is making her feel loved the most at she wants, then she’s going to find a different man. There are plenty of potential men out there who can attract a woman, each one different from the other.

Steakman1 · 2022-06-22T18:07:01+00:00

Doing the dishes is a form of showing love? I’ve always interpreted acts of service as things like giving her a massage or holding the door open, or something along those lines. Doing the dishes is just something someone has to do. And she just didn’t want to do them. I suppose cooking her favorite meal could be an act of service. But just saying you don’t ever cook at all sounds like she just didn’t want to cook.

To be fair I have no clue how evenly the housework was divided. Or if you work and she doesn’t or vice versa. So her complaints might have been justified. I just don’t see you not satisfying her love languages as the correct reasoning for it. Maybe she’s high maintenance and uses love languages as the excuse. I don’t know.

But no, women in the beginning stages will let you get away with more if they’re really attracted to you. But that doesn’t really transfer over to something long term when you’re living together.

ObviousRascal · 2022-06-22T19:38:49+00:00

No. Every person has a standard, a line they expect their partner to meet. Even if it's high or unreasonably so. Unrealistic sometimes. Sounds to me like she wanted you to buy her lots of presents and do all the chores/work. She's your partner not your princess.

Unrealistic standards. Don't let it bother you. Nothing you could've done.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2022-06-22T20:28:04+00:00

if I was better looking

She wouldn't have cared. And she wouldn't have cared if you did the dishes and that other stuff. She wants a servant or a hot guy.

cloudnymphe · 2022-06-22T20:42:57+00:00

It depends. Some people just have very few expectations they put on a partner. They aren’t demanding, but they are prone to being taken advantage of by a person who enjoys that they can get their own needs met while putting no effort into meeting the other person’s needs. And then other people always have certain expectations for a how a partner treats them and they won’t lower those expectations just because someone looks pretty.

Then you have the cases where someone is willing to sacrifice certain things they care about because a person is offering some major benefit in the relationship. Bum-sexual women who date the guy who has no job and never does chores but he’s amazing in bed and thus the lack of effort in other areas gets put up with. And the men/women who keep coming back to the crazy/assholish person for the same reason. People are willing to put up with a lot for good sex. But you don’t really see hot men and women who aren’t providing any of these benefits being put up with for very long.

Woolly_mammoth_ · 2022-06-22T20:46:48+00:00

Yeah, I think it changes depending on how sexually attracted she is. I think a woman who is attracted will need less maintenance than a woman who isn't. If you're not as attractive, you need to bring more "other things" besides sexual attractiveness to keep her.

Slight_Fig5187 · 2022-06-22T22:53:17+00:00

My ex was very good looking and very good in bed, also financially in a very good position. But also totally neglecting most of my needs in many ways. Needs I had expressed many times in very reasonable terms. No amount of looks, sex or anything else can compensate that lack of attention.

Lateralanouncer · 2022-06-22T23:04:55+00:00

Yes. If she is with a beta male that is in her frame she will put him to work. She will also loose desire as it's against her hypergamouse nature. Did you have sex when and how she wanted sex, or when and how you wanted sex?.

I sugest you read " the manipulated man" Esther Vilar, you have a lot of work todo. Also listen to what woman do not say.

nemma88 · 2022-06-22T23:12:24+00:00

It might help short term (few months) but not long term.

criticalmale · 2022-06-22T23:19:59+00:00

Lol women and their obsession with who washes dishes. Love languages my ass.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-06-23T04:04:09+00:00

It depends what the relationship is for.

If I'm young and not ready for children, I just want sex and being better looking helps.

But later when I've graduated and got a stable job, I'm looking for a guy who will do his part and so being hot and good at sex isnt as important.

RinoaRita · 2022-06-23T04:24:53+00:00

Do you guys live together? This needs some clarification. Are we talking about a situation where you lived together and you didn’t do basic chores and see them as acts of service? Or are we talking living separately and she wants you to be her maid service while she doesn’t clean your place?

In the first scenario no matter how attractive you are not being able to do basic chores like dishes or cook or take on a little extra when she’s sick will make her feel like your mom and not your lover.

In the second case she’s definitely treating you poorly because she feel like she’s doing a charity case by dating you so she wants you to basically be a wallet and maid service which i wouldn’t tolerate. And yeah I would guess that it stems from some resentment that she think you’re below her league.

But yeah this is completely different based on whether these are split chores in one house hold or her acting entitled to you being a cleaning/cooking service to her place.

aslanhatessmeagol · 2022-06-23T04:26:12+00:00

If she wants you to do that,she should have told you earlier. Some women expect men to understand them 100%.

PlayfulLawyer · 2022-06-23T05:08:02+00:00

You work harder to keep what you really wan

lostwanderer28 · 2022-06-23T06:56:28+00:00

I really cannot blame men anymore for wanting to not marry and just do casual sex.

Casual sex seems much safer than marriage. To me, it looks like women are generally ready to break apart the relationship for any reason.

Although, casual sex is not an option for me because I am religious.

FancyCocktailOlive · 2022-06-23T13:56:41+00:00

No, having better looks wouldn’t have mattered.

coastFI_chaser · 2022-06-25T08:44:55+00:00

Those are really basic things and the fact that you are complaining makes me so happy your gf dumped your ass. Dishes, cooking and helping someone you claim to love when they are sick. I can’t believe your take away was if I you were better looking it wouldn’t be an issue. Wow. I come on these threads and am so grateful to be single 😂

coastFI_chaser · 2022-06-25T08:54:20+00:00

Threads like this is why I struggle to have any empathy for men. You can’t make this up.

Scarypaperplates · 2022-06-26T03:49:38+00:00

Things she mentioned that I could have done were her dishes, cooking, and taking more care of her when was sick

Do you think this is somehow high maintenance? If the roles were reversed would you be happy with a partner who ignores you when you are sick?

if I was better looking, I don’t think that would’ve been an issue. What do you guys think?

Relationship wise no, you would still be cruddy. In most relationships there is a expectation you would be there for each other, from what you've written here it doesnt sound like the issue was your looks but your actions.

Title	Do you think a woman’s maintenance level changes depending on the man she’s with?
Author	Miserable_Advisor_91
Upvotes	14
Comments	137
Date	June 22, 2022 3:42 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/vi86a5/do_you_think_a_womans_maintenance_level_changes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-you-think-a-womans-maintenance-level-changes.1120438 https://theredarchive.com/post/1120438

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