How do you guys stay positive and avoid things like insecurity and self-esteem issues in the face of rejection?

nnuunn · 2024-09-27T16:54:21+00:00

Emotional detachment from success or failure

Siukslinis_acc · 2024-09-27T14:10:56+00:00

Would you feel hate/resentment/annoyance if a person you don't find attractive would ask you out? Would you judge them? Would you see that person as a failure?

I personally would not. It's just that they are not my cup of tea and I don't have any hard feelings toward the person I'm rejecting. So why would I think that another person is judging or demeaning me or think that I'm a failure when they reject me?

Have you ever said "no" to a person in general (not necesserily when they ask you out)? You don't hate your mom because you rejected her offer of soup (as your belly is already full).

OGMUDSTICK · 2024-09-28T01:51:52+00:00

Can’t get rejected if you never approach 💪🏼

Mrfistersixtynine · 2024-09-28T03:44:46+00:00

Rejection is supposed to be painful and will destroy your confidence. There's no magical advice that is going to change that. Mind you the women who suggesting you to reframe rejection are people who are never asked a man on a date, they don't know what it feels like. The men who are giving advice on this are coping hard. They want to seem like that rejection doesn't faze them because they have the right mindset or whatever are lying through their teeth to themselves and to you about how rejection doesn't even hurt that much. Trust me, they are hurting and they are hurting bad.

You are probably going to try out different methods and mindsets that others provided you. Worst thing you could do is start lying to yourself how this "mindset" change has helped you get over rejection. You, me and all others will never get over rejection no matter how hard they pretend. My advice is to keep moving forward! You got rejected? Lick your wounds and when you feel like trying again, try again!

SmokeySunDrops · 2024-09-27T13:36:20+00:00

You need to reframe rejection. You keep calling yourself a failure for it and that's not fair. You're doing your part of the process despite the sting of rejection, you're facing the possibility of it over and over again. That's not failure. the fault is coming from the women not meeting you halfway

Remind yourself that these women do not even step up to the possibility of rejection and in that way you are doing them a favor and even flattering them with your proposal. That's not failure.

AreOut · 2024-09-27T22:10:24+00:00

It's easy, just don't expect anything.

SaBahRub · 2024-09-27T14:00:35+00:00

Location matters. Populations and opportunities matter

Flintblood · 2024-09-28T04:18:59+00:00

If you’re male you have to learn to accept that 95 or more times out of 100 you will not get the outcome you wanted when it comes to women you’re attracted to.

TotalBeefcall · 2024-09-27T15:42:29+00:00

I don't approach and I don't pursue. It's over.

MistyMaisel · 2024-09-27T15:57:19+00:00

I think the key is not to frame these as failures, dude. Simply attempts at finding a person who wants you back or is interested/curious in you back.

I think a lot of men hurt themselves in some ways by mentally framing approaches like they're like competition or sports and it's like they failed to hit the ball. They aren't. This is relationships, emotions, socialization, and attempts to connect. It's probably closer to like...trying to find Wi-Fi? Like, you don't know which Wi-Fi connection is the one that you're supposed to login in to with your password. So you have to try each network, input the password, and see. It's not a failure if StupidHotGirlxxx network shows the password wasn't right. It just means you gotta keep trying networks. It may even be closer to something like detective work or a game of clue or something. But this concept of a "swing and a miss" is just hurting people and it really doesn't have to hurt. She wasn't for you. That's ok.

Even if that keeps happening, it's largely ok. Sure, there's questions you should ask about yourself, your environment, and your approach to inputting the password, similar to trouble-shooting your internet connection (is it plugged in, do you have power, did you pay your bill), but after a certain point, it's just waiting for someone to say, "oh yeah, that's me! I'm the person you've been looking for" or rather, "oh yeah, you're the person I've been looking for".

emorizoti · 2024-09-27T16:46:43+00:00

You need to understand, there's no guy on the planet that can attract every woman he wants at his own will. Yes there very hot people and celebrities than can pull a stadium filled entirely with women lusting over them, but that is called mania and those same guys would get rejected by most girls if they didn't have that status. Hot people can attract only on physical level, but still be rejected on emotional level.

You described yourself as being sure you are not ugly but have an unconventional appearance. Nothing to abandon hope, it just means you are not attractive to the women who are into conventional beauty standarts. For example I'm attracted to simple, humble girls with average beauty but still attractive. You know the ones that follow the normal trends and lead a normal life. Most of the girls I've dated from this type, have rejected me and rarely shown interest in the past. Like you, I'm not ugly, but I'm not someone with conventional physical traits. I'm the opposite of the pretty face, wearing cool shirts, or fitting in the Instagrammable profile of "boys who look like this>>>". I'm athletic, have a weird personality(not a weirdo just aware that I don't fit the norm in most interactions and not in a bad way), a very complicated person, have that dad look even tho I'm in my late 20s and still young(I love polos, basic t shirts, barbour jackets, fine shirts, boots, straight pants or jeans), I lean more into traditional values than modernism and I'm focused on my craft and my private space than sharing it with other people. Unsurprisingly, I feel that I can mostly pull women are into the type of men that look more masculine than pretty faces, women who are into serious crafts and works, compilcated persona, high maintance and having a traditional mentality. Ironically I find myself intimadting at first when I date these kind of women who reflect common interest and attraction.

So you have to explore yourself and find out who you are compatible with. Until then good luck and enjoy your time wether alone or in company.

Purple_Cruncher_123 · 2024-09-27T16:48:15+00:00

I grew up in a small-ish Midwest town, where I was 'popular' but got very little dating action because most people were not into my demographic. I moved to Chicago for grad school, and it wasn't immediate, but my dating prospect "skyrocketed." Location, as someone else says, does matter. The values you exude may very well be a mismatch for the community that you're in. Small city life isn't really for me, so it's both I'm uncomfortable and others when looking to date sees me as not fitting with the vibe they want.

Mindset does matter, and I do think there's a lot to be said that a few small wins goes a long way. If dating is a struggle to your overall mindset, then I would consider pausing that and finding small wins in some other aspect of life. It sounds like you've been having a rough time, so maybe figuring that out or finding positive ways to cope with your other life challenges will put you in a better spot in general.

Of course, dating mindset is its own category as well, and it's hard to feel good about that without finding some small wins occasionally. I would consider reframing what counts as a small win and build from there. Some people are so green yet they consider a home run the only metric. I'd advise that starting small and building up works much better - starting and sustaining a good conversation, flirting, etc. It depends on how well-tuned you are of course. Just a thought.

TopShelfSnipes · 2024-09-27T17:03:34+00:00

Here is the secret to handling rejection:

Are you ready for it?

Are you sure?

...Really sure?

...Really really sure?

Rejection is not a referendum on your sexuality. It's the answer to your question, "Is this woman worth my time and effort?"

Isn't that what the entire point of dating is?

Congrats, you get to disqualify her and you didn't even have to buy her a single drink.

Now onto the next one and stop being butthurt about your feelings.

Puzzleheaded_Till829 · 2024-09-27T17:17:42+00:00

Just think about the reprobates that do get chosen by women and ask yourself how much you trust their judgment of you.

one_ball_policy · 2024-09-27T17:35:31+00:00

I don’t respect hoes enough for them to value their opinion of me. I take a look at all of the retarded decisions that women make and realize how silly it would be for me think any different of myself based on what they decide.

waffleznstuff30 · 2024-09-27T19:42:23+00:00

A thing that has helped me. Is taking the pressure off of the connection HAS to be romantic. Instead of just connecting and getting to know people we have to put them in boxes.

THEY HAVE TO LIKE ME ROMANTICALLY!!!!

They have to desire me.

Like instead reframe it as do I even enjoy this connection am I getting what I need. Stuff like that. Even for dates and stuff. It helps immensely and takes so much pressure off to perform

wtknight · 2024-09-27T22:58:26+00:00

I had enough women who at least seemed a little interested in me that I did not give up hope, even if these were women who I was not attracted to and the women who I was attracted to were not interested in me.

If every single women I ever talked to had the exact same total lack of interest in me, then I’m not sure how I could have handled it.

Combatenjoyer23 · 2024-09-27T16:39:20+00:00

This might not be the advice you want to hear, but you really just have to pretend like none of those rejections affects you and be a stone wall about it. Like unironically bottle it up and never talk about it and pretend like it has no impact on your self-worth even though it does. Men have zero leeway when it comes to feeling sad/being mopey about this kind of stuff. This is when the whole pick yourself up by your bootstraps thing applies 😂. Fake it till you make it and keep trying and don't complain in public. It's the only way.

AnySmoke2016 · 2024-09-27T17:15:51+00:00

Easy no women Will change your life (they may ruin It) or solve your problens, you won't die If she doesn't like you, literaly nothing changes and no one Care, there's a new bus every 15 minutes

BeauxGo · 2024-09-27T17:32:20+00:00

Realize that

I'm a man, no man is consistently hitting home runs unless they have copious amounts of wealth or premium facial attractiveness.

Then I

2.Turn off all emotions. I'm probably batting .300 when it comes to women, so why the fuck would I get emotionally involved if I'm striking out 70% of the time. I say my piece & move on regardless.

guppyhunter7777 · 2024-09-27T17:33:50+00:00

Jim Beam…..?!?

bluestjuice · 2024-09-27T18:22:25+00:00

All of my advice for this sort of thing comes from a sport training perspective, but… setting different win conditions.

For example: I fence a lot, and a lot of the people in my immediate circle are much more skillful than me and can routinely wipe the floor with me. If I go into each fight focused on just whether I win or lose, I get dejected and my headspace tanks really fast.

What works better for me is to tighten my focus to a smaller skill that I’m refining, and to judge my success in the fight contingent just upon whether I successfully executed that skill. Sometimes the win condition is ‘parry their first attack and have a repartee to respond with.’ Sometimes it is ‘snipe their hand when they come in while not dying.’ Sometimes it is ‘have the stamina to make it through six passes without a break.’

Most skills need long repeated practice before getting good at them. Sometimes that means sneaking around your own mindset so you can get those practice reps in without losing your damn mind.

Bloody_Mandrake · 2024-09-27T23:30:20+00:00

Doing some introspection.

Whenever something brothers me, first of all and before taking action, I just sit there and think why it brothers me so much.

Your thoughts shape the way you see and interact with the world in a degree you can't even imagine, and if you put some effort into thinking about it you'll find that the solution to all your problems, more often than not, lies within your mind.

The second part is to learn to control your mind. This seems stupid, because you grew up thinking that you ARE your mind, hence what you think, your thoughts, are a psychological abstract representation of you.

If you think this way, you're not really thinking. You're being thought, and thaught, by others. Your father, your mother, your friends, your teachers, school, society, culture, the media... You name it.

They forced your thoughts into your head since childhood and now they get you thinking those thoughts are yourself.

You feel confused, lost, stunted, you feel like shit, because somehow the thoughts in your mind tell you you're not good enough.

But... How is that? Shouldn't your mind like yourself at least a bit? I mean, if your mind was your greatest ally it would tell you to like yourself, at least as a coping mechanism for pure survival instinct, it would try to even decieve you into thinking you're awesome so you do not delete yourself out of misery, right?

The problem is your mind does not belong to you actually. It belongs to no one.

Your mind works like an aerial, it recieves signals, and right now it's recieving any signal but yours. You need to learn to tune it to your frecuency so it listens to YOU, not others.

And never forget to check out from time to time if it's working the right way. Whenever the signal starts to get crappy, fix it again.

That's what self-steem is all about. Listening to yourself, not others, because you and only you can be the best ever at being you.

And you need to force your mind to listen to you, and then it's when your mind starts working FOR you and not against you.

Next thing it's information.

If your mind it's an aerial recieving signals all the time (and it is, because we live in the era of information, there is a fuck ton of information around us 24/7) it's transmiting information to you. You can filter important information from trash news, and then you can also chose how to interpret that information.

If out of the blue I walk to you and spit on your face and tell you you're a lame turbofucker who sucks at everything, you can take that in two different forms:

A) "Why would he say that to me? There is something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong?

B) Who the fuck are you bitch? Go fuck yourself.

Information is just that, information. You can chose to take it the way you want, but there is a way that serves you, and there is another that doesn't. Remember that.

Now to your case...

When a woman tells you she doesn't like you, it can mean a lot of things... Even that she actually likes you.

I cannot count the times I banged a woman after she told me I was an insufferable idiot/a jerk/a scumbag/a liar/a manwhore or that she couldn't stand my precense/I was disgusting/she would never date me nor have sex with me.

The "we are not having sex tonight" is particularly true TBH.

Now, how do you know what a woman means when she delivers a piece of information to you?

Well, easy... You just don't.

For the peace of mind of everyone and the sake of this discussion, we will asume the information you're recieving from that woman comes from her own thoughts, and that it''s actually herself speaking (99.9% chances it's not)...

Why would you allow her thoughts to get in your mind and affect the way you think about yourself?

I mean, it's awesome if it changes your perspective and serves you as. motivational fuel to better yourself, even when I'm against the idea of doing things to conform to others...

But if it undermines your self-perception then that no cool brother.

I'll give you a tip.

How serious do you take women's opinion in regards to aspects of the daily life that have anything to do with specifically having sex with women like, lets say, cars, sports, polítics, fitness, guns, bikes, drinks, clothing, video games, literature, music or so?

Think about it.

As for me, when a woman rejects me, I take it as a residual noise in the signal. It's not even fake news.

kayceeplusplus · 2024-09-28T00:10:07+00:00

I don’t 😂

MrAnonPoster · 2024-09-27T17:25:47+00:00

My life is awesome so it really Is her loss. No, i am not telling myself that, it actually is.

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apresonly · 2024-09-27T17:00:05+00:00

Let it be okay to say "this sucks" and grieve that we don't live in a healthy civilization where people's needs (in this case their social needs) are being met.

it's not you (even tho people are more and less successful at getting their needs met, many through immoral means) its the expected outcome of the way the world is right now (shit).

i also think its helpful to zoom out and think of yourself as an animal (you are) or plant, as part of the whole of the universe's ecosystem. if a plant struggles and isn't perfect or grows weird or doesn't reproduce, is it unworthy somehow? or do we just know that life is a diverse experience where life forms have different outcomes. i dont think the purpose is to be perfect or the best or hit milestones, its to have the human experience, whatever that looks like for you.

Plus-Opportunity8541 · 2024-09-27T17:54:57+00:00

I like to think of rejection like a startup would. Startups need to develop a product(A man) and sell it(approaching women). If a person develops a bad product and goes to sell it, it won't sell. Do you keep trying to sell the bad product? No, you fix based on feedback. You sell to people who are more likely to buy. In startups, they teach that, initially, maybe 2% of people will want your product, and it's your job to find those 2% and develop the best product possible.

What this means in dating terms is that, for every 10 girls you approach, you might only get attention from one. That's not bad. Just find out what makes that 1 out of 10 attracted to you and find those women. Also worth noting that what's attractive in one city isn't in another. I lived in San Diego, where I didn't fit the stereotypical attractive man, and got a lot less attention. When I moved to NYC, I fit the beauty standards a lot better and started getting much more attention. I get the most attention in Miami and Orlando because my looks fit in with a lot of the Latin Beauty standards. Find what fits best for you.

cookietoffeee · 2024-09-27T18:13:13+00:00

I don't.

Only-Plate590 · 2024-09-27T18:34:54+00:00

I was in high spirits and decided to message someone I had a fun time with at the bar a few weeks ago. long story short, It didn't go too well lol

We'd probably need a few details on this if you're willing to share.

Did you get kind of over-confident and turned her off?

DapperDan1929 · 2024-09-27T19:52:07+00:00

Don’t. I gave up at 47 in 2020 lol

DoinIt989 · 2024-09-28T01:11:02+00:00

"Girls are like buses, miss one next 15 one coming".

"She's not yours, it's just your turn"

Basically, you need to dehumanize people a lot more when you date. They are NPCs until they earn your attention via demonstrating consistent interest in you + having traits you enjoy. If they aren't feeling you, onto to the next quest.

For instance, when I lived in FL I was quite popular and felt like I fit in a lot better and had pretty good luck overall with women.

I come back home and it's just been failure, after failure,

Then move. Dating is different in different places because people are different in different places. If you do well in one area and fail in another, go back to the area you succeed in or one similar to it.

DankuTwo · 2024-09-28T01:56:08+00:00

You gotta have a short memory….its a virtue in pretty much all aspects of life.

ExternalBarracuda292 · 2024-09-28T06:18:17+00:00

The most important thing is to have other things that make you happy. Rejection is always going to hurt, especially if it's someone you really like or you feel you're compatible with. The key is just not to give up, and that's where things like family, friends, pets, hobbies, whatever really help. Give yourself a little time to get over it. There'll be plenty more opportunities in the future.

AnonPinkLady · 2024-09-28T08:05:11+00:00

The responses in here are fantastic- least toxic thing I’ve seen on this sub in a while

TallFoundation7635 · 2024-09-28T10:37:22+00:00

It is a paradigm shift, understand that in general most women will not be into you because of various factors, they might already have boyfriends, they might be lesbian, you might be too young for them, too old for them etc.

You will also see gradual improvements in your communication skills, which is useful for most facets of your life.

Also learn to enjoy the process, not the result of the process. Also understand that not everyone has the balls to approach women in real life, you are one of the few.

Goonerlouie · 2024-09-28T14:18:01+00:00

I feel for you man. I got a fragile ego and low self esteem so constant rejection would have me on the end of a rope

VWGUYWV · 2024-09-28T15:14:25+00:00

Most things in life like this handled by just going forward and becoming desensitized

The trick is you can’t quit when you want or you’ll never achieve your goal

Of course, quit if you change your goal

For instance, I hated public speaking and was nervous

Then I taught at a university for years

Weird thing to do for someone with that issue

I hated the first few months, after a year it didn’t bother me at all and drastically increased my overall confidence

I no longer teach but have no issue talking in front of people

You usually just have to walk through the fire

Fun_Push7168 · 2024-09-28T20:04:32+00:00

Well, probably not good advice but it worked for me.

6 months on a bender with a mostly resigned attitude.

By the end of it I gave zero fucks anymore.

That and acting in a play at a community theater. ( Just anything silly in front of people, improv, character reading to kids, dance class if you suck... anything)

You get used to putting yourself out there and lose the embarrassment.

You don't put so much stock in individual interactions either.

decided to message someone I had a fun time with at the bar a few weeks ago. long story short, It didn't go too well lol and I'm having a hard time coming out of the conversation not feeling like a fucking loser tbh.

That's all I really need to know. You're putting too much weight on individual interactions. This is a form of oneitis. How are you not gonna take it hard when you had all your hopes pinned on one person from a few weeks ago?

Interact a lot with a lot of people and without much reservation you'll seem fun and confident. Let them come to you some. Select when you already know. Ask yourself hmm, who has shown interest most.? When you make an ask you can be 80% sure it's gonna be a yes. That's the training wheels version for when you're internally delicate.

Ok-Dust-4156 · 2024-09-29T09:06:43+00:00

By not being attached to person you ask out. It's just another body that might or might not end in your bed, same as everybody else. Once you start thinking this way rejections stop doing anything.

ExcelsiorState718 · 2024-09-29T11:31:00+00:00

Make money and as you get older you'll care less and less about the opinions of others by your 30s you really won't give a crap also just learn to accept the game of life if your not born with God tier genetics you won't be a woman's first choice..but It gets easier especially when you learn you can have any woman you want for the right price...I see men stresses out and going to jail over 4s and 5s meanwhile I have 8s 9s 10s on a regular with minimal stress or drama. By minimal I mean the worst thing they do is show up late

And by the way you need to be atleast 6'4 now to be considered tall..at this point western women should not even be being considered as options for most men.

DankuTwo · 2024-09-29T13:09:28+00:00

Short memory. I don't stay "positive"....I stay in the moment. It's the only option.

EntertainerFlat7465 · 2024-09-30T19:05:03+00:00

By becoming more confident by reading nietzsche

attendquoi · 2024-09-27T16:00:11+00:00

A person who actually wants you won't reject you. Why waste time worrying about people who don't actually want you? 🤷🏻‍♀️

MetroidR · 2024-10-03T21:57:19+00:00

That's the neat part: You don't!

Seriously though, it's a finite resource. You can only stay positive and confident for so long with continued rejection.

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