How many older couples that didn't get divorced actually have fulfilling relationships?

AcephalicDude · 2024-05-17T18:25:09+00:00

Take a look at this:

It seems as though there a U-shaped trajectory for relationship satisfaction over time. Satisfaction tends to drop until it hits a low-point at age 40, but then it rebounds until it hits a plateau at around age 65.

That said, I don't think the bottom-point of relationship satisfaction should necessarily be interpreted as the couple being "miserable." I think the high rate of divorce suggests that people do not tolerate misery for long. I think it's more that the enthusiasm for the relationship just naturally fades away, the repetition of your relationship struggles wears you out, and this all coincides with life stressors that also hit you as you age: children, health problems, work burn-out, etc.

But the other thing that happens as you get older as a married person (I'm speaking from experience here, for reference I am 37 years old and have been with my wife for 15 years) is that you really stop feeling any type of FOMO or envy when it comes to single life. My marriage isn't perfect and the enthusiasm is definitely starting to fade, but the idea of being with anyone else is completely unappealing. I value the stability, the teamwork, the mutual understanding, etc., much more than I would ever value that abstract "spark of passion" that you get when you first start dating someone.

toasterchild · 2024-05-17T18:21:43+00:00

I know quite a few very happily married couples and some miserable couples. I know some very happy divorced people and some miserable divorced people. Some of the most happy married people I know are on second marriages, but statistically those end more often. Truth is it doesn't matter as long as you have the legal option to leave if shit goes bad.

superlurkage · 2024-05-17T18:25:20+00:00

We often don’t have the same idea of “fulfilling” that our parents and grandparents do

Lilrip1998 · 2024-05-17T18:16:59+00:00

Older generations got married younger. I think that's a factor. My parents stayed together "for the kids" but they probably should have gotten a divorce because our homelife was miserable for the first decade of my life lmao. Divorce for a lot of religious couples isn't an option.

The ball and chain stuff that I've observed is mostly Gen X/Boomers. But I had a gen X father and sorry but he was kind of an idiot and had a lot of maturing to do in terms of stepping up to the plate emotionally and curbing his aggression issues. My mom was largely unexperienced has never lived on her own and to be honest seemed incredibly frustrated with my dad for completely relevant reasons, but was incredibly nagging and judgmental.

That was my literal observation growing up with no remarks from either party about how the other was an issue.

They coincidentally got married immediately after college.

The happiest marriages I've seen are (sorry) second marriages or marriages that happen after a significant period of cohabitation. My parents' marriage survived and improved but neither my sister or myself are around much because of how toxic our home life was

chalkandapples · 2024-05-17T19:08:24+00:00

My grandparents love each other a lot with lots of passion and I think they're truly happy and would marry each other again.

My parents admitted they don't have much in common other than kids. They probably wouldn't have gotten married in today's environment. They married out of logic and matched well on paper, and never put much thought into personality. But they're both good people and treat the other well, and just kinda going with the flow.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-05-17T18:03:06+00:00

My parents and my in laws are great examples along with my uncles 2nd marriage. My parents and my uncle actually retired and moved into the same “retirement community” down in FL. They all made new friends and couples and actually make grown old together sound like fun.

They are even getting golf carts to go tracking around the neighborhood in.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-05-17T18:06:06+00:00

Those are jokes. Often people do this as a way of showing affection, it's very common in certain circles. It doesn't mean they're actually miserable and you have no idea about the sex they're having.

mrs_seng · 2024-05-17T18:09:09+00:00

That's what you get when you are pushed to get married fast, young, without proper vetting, not take feelings/love/tingles into account and divorce is frowned upon.

Valuable-Marzipan761 · 2024-05-17T18:16:10+00:00

It's extremely obvious that they rarely have sex. Often at least one is cheating or looking to cheat.

What are you basing this on?

It's impossible to put a percentage on it, but they on average report themselves to be happier than unmarried old people.

spanglesandbambi · 2024-05-17T18:10:03+00:00

Evidance for the cheating and unhappiness?

I found the following:

https://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?title=The+case+for+marriage:+Why+married+people+are+happier,+healthier,+and+better+off+financially&author=LJ+Waite&author=M+Gallagher&publication_year=2000&#d=gs_qabs&t=1715969344658&u=%23p%3DT62dLfANRwIJ

his_purple_majesty · 2024-05-18T02:07:17+00:00

I spent a week with my uncle and aunt who have been married for like 50 years and it was one of the most unbearable and toxic environments I've ever been in. They never had kids though.

UninterestingFork · 2024-05-17T18:08:59+00:00

I know many of my friend's parents that are still together and take care of each other. They go on vacation together and seem to get along fine.

About the sex maybe you should redefine your expectations. I don't think 50-60 year olds still have sex. Even if they just met. But I don't know, I could be wrong.

Aafan_Barbarro · 2024-05-17T19:17:13+00:00

There is possibly some significant share of miserable relationships where the partners keep staying together. My parents are like that and grandparents were like that. Age is a big factor.

szclimber · 2024-05-18T00:06:42+00:00

Anecdotally, I would say about 1/3.

Dr_Click_Click_Boom · 2024-05-18T04:23:44+00:00

I'm childless, single and I've never been married. Wanna know what the top three adjectives that my married male friends use to describe me?

Smart
Lucky
Got it made

That's 100% truth. And here's how the conversation usually goes:

Me: hello.

Them: So, are you married?

Me: nope.

Them: Got any kids?

Me: nope

Them: So....you've never been married and you don't have any kids. Smart man (awkward chuckle). You're lucky...I wish I was in your shoes. Man, you got it made.

Keep in mind this is from "happily" married men lol.

Then they drift into a realm where they pretty much admit that they hate their life. Goes a little something like this:

Them: Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and my kids but if I had it to do all over again........(they never finish the statement, they just kinda drift off and assume you'll come to the conclusion that they'd trade in their wife and kids to be a bachelor in a heartbeat.

Crazy_Trash7281 · 2024-05-18T05:59:37+00:00

Who cares. Old people are not attracted to each other in general. Here’s a black pill, men don’t want your 55 year old wrinkly ass big fupa bodies at 55 anymore than they wanted them at 25.

A lot of old women don’t even like having sex anymore because they don’t feel sexy like they did when they were young, because they ain’t

obviousredflag · 2024-05-18T09:26:36+00:00

Divorce is a good thing, because bad relationship ends and makes way for a better one. I never understood why people are afraid of divorce. Do you want to stay in bad marriages just because?

A high divorce rate means LESS miserable marriages.

Sure_Tourist1088 · 2024-05-18T13:40:45+00:00

Less than 5%. Most relationships are for convenience.

abaxeron · 2024-05-18T13:41:00+00:00

I rarely see a marriage that I find enviable.

To paraphrase everyone's favorite architecture critic blogger, a house built with purpose to induce envy is called a McMansion.

This is blackpilling because divorce is already at 50%. Should we be estimating that another 20% is miserable ?

Estimate whatever; women will never understand why divorce is bad because they almost never see their husband as a family member. I made peace with it.

Sure_Tourist1088 · 2024-05-17T18:18:40+00:00

About 2% from what I've seen. Most deeply despise each other but enjoy the comfort of their rut.

PiastriPs3 · 2024-05-17T18:19:03+00:00

My older relatives are traditional migrants in longterm marriages. None of them are happy, they just tolerate their partners and see the upside in monetary terms and stability for their children. Theyre more room mates than lovers. . But its clear that they've stayed in their marriages for their s children and for how they are perceived in their community. There's a reason none of our generation are in traditional marriages. Longterm monogamy is unrealistic for most people. I wouldn't t be surprised if swingers or polyamory becones a big for the 40-60 demographic for this reason

apresonly · 2024-05-17T21:50:42+00:00

In my 38 years i have seen (generously) 3 relationships that seem aspirational.

the rest seem like a prison.

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Electric_Death_1349 · 2024-05-17T18:26:16+00:00

Not sure if this counts as ‘older’, but a knew a couple who are 38 (her) and 40 (him), who have been together fifteen years today, have two kids and are very happy together (as far as I know - they were when I knew them, but we are no longer on speaking terms). I fucking hate them.

complete_doodle · 2024-05-17T18:53:17+00:00

As always, it depends on the couple. My parents are in their late 50s, been married for 35 years, and are still best friends. I’ve never heard them speak poorly of each other. My grandparents are in their 80s, married for 60 years, and still love each other very much - no “ball and chain” jokes there. They say that you need to pick the right partner, and always be adaptable. I hope to be married as long and happily as they are.

literaryhogwartian · 2024-05-17T19:06:07+00:00

What do you consider 'older'?

Planthoe30 · 2024-05-17T19:09:21+00:00

What I find interesting when comparing my parents to my husbands is both my husbands parents divorced when he was 0 and neither one of them recovered from the divorce they are absolutely miserable. I will just leave it at that instead of airing out dirty laundry. My parents are living a great life, they travel together, my dad home makes ice cream now and golfs with his friends. They very much had their ups and downs but they grew together. My husbands grandma also stayed with her husband and is happy and the strongest woman I know. My grandma and grandpa on my dad side were together their entire lives, they were happy together. On my mom’s side, they got divorced grandma never recovered fully but did have some men attempt to take care of her but they passed away and she outlived them by far and she struggles quite a bit, she was never self sufficient, very much child like and had severe mental health issues. Grandpa married another woman, I imagine he was happy.

Not sure what you consider older but my husband and I have been together for 7 years and he brags about how he can’t remember the last time we argued to his friends, we often talk about how we feel bad for younger couples or even other couples our age who are poorly matched but can’t seem to figure it out. We also struggle to relate to the issues other couples our age have because being in a relationship like is inconceivable to us.

My most miserable friend is actually voluntarily single. All of my friends seem to be happier in relationships than when they were single.

The_Glass_Arrow · 2024-05-17T19:45:41+00:00

I think relationship dynamics change after a long time. Me and my wife have been together for 6 years next month. Theres times where we have very little sex for months on end (sometimes its me, sometimes its her). Theres times we have sex for months on end twice a day.

Personally, I think my parents relationship is more friendship then romantically. I believe honestly my dad is still a virgin (I'm adopted, and growing up, even to this day, theres no signs I would say that they are sexually active). I wouldnt think their relationship is miserable, they get along quite well together. (both mid 60's)

I think divorce, especially to older people is encouraged regardless of happiness when you see celebs doing so at high rates. I feel like some of them have different husbands/wifes every 5 years.

wtknight · 2024-05-17T22:42:11+00:00

Most of the older married couples I know argue but basically get along. I don't know any miserable ones. The ones that I did know who were miserable got divorced.

NJFlowerchild · 2024-05-17T22:52:01+00:00

My parents are in their 60's and have a great relationship. My in laws are more like roommates. Many older couples didn't marry because they thought their partner "was the one". It's what you were expected to do and you were expected to try to make it work. I think it's probably pretty close to 50/50 on couples that stay together because it's easier than a divorce.

TopEntertainment4781 · 2024-05-18T00:40:31+00:00

Maternal grandparents squabbled but loved each other. Second marriage for both. He was a womanizer.

My parents were miserable and divorced. They remained miserable. Dad remarried and it lasted but I don’t know how happy. He was step mom’s THIRD husband. For aunts/uncles about 50% had good marriages that lasted/

Definite pattern tho - those in miserable marriages seem to jump to new and still miserable marriages. There are a few “three timers.”

I had a disastrous first marriage. Number two is great. We’ve had ups and downs but we are sexually active and… I don’t know what to call it. There is love but also a deep deep loyalty. We’ve been good to each other in down times. That builds… a respect? An investment? A bond that is stronger than love…. Or cements the love.

Among my friends the pattern seems the same - miserable people remarrying miserable people and those marriages fail or they stay miserable. Or happy marriages where people stay happy.

There is a mindset I think that is internal to the person. I was miserable before my first marriage and miserable in that marriage. He was not a good man. Everyone in my family was so happy I left him.

I think though I could have been one of those sad and miserable people cycling through miserable marriages but that I did some serious personal building, adopted stoicism, and became less reactive.

I am a hungry ghost. Some of these unhappy spouses are hungry ghosts and they insatiably seek from their partners something that no human can give.

You made me think. Thanks for the question. I want to pin down that feeling of devotion that he and I have.

InvestigatorHairy426 · 2024-05-18T00:46:23+00:00

My grandparents, parents, siblings all have marriages and have not divorced. The relationship I admire the most is my sisters and my grandparents—my parents aren’t far behind. It’s about the work one puts in. My brother once said that him and his spouse talked and said, we will never consider divorce. Divorce is not an option, it’s about how we work at it and communicate when it gets tough. I think that’s what it is. A partnership, a team a companionship that is willing to show up and never quit on each other, and of course the trust and love builds each time.

Professional_Chair28 · 2024-05-18T02:37:28+00:00

My parents are a fascinating example of this, they met when they were 18 and married by 19, military so they moved around constantly. Still together to this day.

In my opinion because they got married soo young, before either of them became their own person, they’ve essentially become one person. Take that as positively or as negatively as you’d like.

It’s codependent to an interesting? level, and it’s very clear where putting their marriage first has held each of them back personally. Essentially they’ve stunted their own growth and haven’t changed much since their main priority is staying together, so there’s not a lot of room for emotional movement and personal growth.

Technically they’re happy. But idk if I’d call their relationship healthy. It’s not unsafe or toxic by any means.. but I genuinely don’t think either could survive without the other if something happened. Personally that’s far too vulnerable a place to put yourself, for me or my partner- but some people aspire to that I guess.

DankuTwo · 2024-05-18T03:20:03+00:00

Most older couples are very happy that they’re married, in my experience.

The divorce rate is also a bit skewed. The divorce rate for young marriages is sky-high (unsurprisingly!). As you get older (and particularly if you’re more educated) the divorce rate plummets, as you would expect.

Don’t be scared by the 50%. That includes people who’ve been married 3-4 times.

mandoa_sky · 2024-05-18T03:29:20+00:00

my parents are still happily married. going 30 plus years married now.

HighestTierMaslow · 2024-05-18T05:47:36+00:00

Divorce isn't at 50% Outliers who marry and divorce several times drive that statistic up. If you line up random couples, closer to 30% divorce, not 50%. Fun fact because I love statistics, this same skewing and assumptions happens when looking at child runaway rates and sexual crime recidivism rates. Foster children skew the first example and more severe criminals skew the last one.

boom-wham-slam · 2024-05-18T07:38:12+00:00

I agree. I have never seen an example marriage that I actually was like "thats what I want"

Either they divorce or appear completely unhappy. So what am I supposed to be wanting? Both are shit.

I think at least from the man perspective the ideal is be single and just move through semi long term relationships. Have kids at some point but don't bother with marriage and assume you will be doing the separated parents thing at some point one way or another and that's that.

Seems way happier too. Single guys with baby mama's and on to a new girlfriend seem the happiest to me to be honest.

LaTableEstBasse · 2024-05-18T08:05:44+00:00

It's the dead eyes of the guy that always gets me. It's like every bit of joy had been sucked out of him. They seem completely faded out, not even able to pay attention to their screaming kids. Meanwhile the wife is almost always talking loudly about meaningless stuff.

Brazuca0 · 2024-05-18T20:34:17+00:00

Very few really.

Marriage was created for motives that no longer exist. People have this really romanticized idea of marriage, how couples stayed together in the past and stuff, as if it was out of love and not necessity. Marriage worked in the past, in the sense that dispite all problems, it was still functional enough to most people find being married better than not married. That's no longer the case for a large and growing number of people today.

You gotta realize that people lived in a world that is completely different that the one we have now, and by the way, will be even more different in the future. It's not that marriage is a scam, btw as some people might say, it served a purpose, it's just that marriage is obsolete as it is today.

But most mofos are not ever gonna admit that, it's just way sweeter to believe in "happily forever after" and that the low divorce rate in the past was because couples loved each other sooooo much

VWGUYWV · 2024-05-18T20:46:54+00:00

It exists. You tend to see these couples out together more.

kongeriket · 2024-05-20T07:48:06+00:00

Jokes aside, when I was doing telecom installations, the guidance was that for old couples you just show up for the installation. So I did that and mostly worked out,... until I stumbled upon a couple (he was 82, she was 80) having sex. They weren't even particularly bothered. I was, lol.

After they finished, they dealt with me (after all, they had called me that day) and they were the most fun people I had spoken with that year. It wasn't even my first time. I nearly cockblocked my paternal grandpa when I was teen. Whew!

Point being: I strive to emulate older people I met and observed. They not only made it work, but made it work with a huge smile on their face.

Unfortunately, while sexless marriages are absolutely quite common - new data shows that younger couples are even more sexless than older ones.

The figure is up across all age groups, but especially among young adults between 18 and 24 – 28 percent of whom reported being sexually inactive in the latest survey, compared to just 5 percent in 2006. [other source]

Technology is partly at fault. Coupled youngsters routinely forego sex so they can finish a video game or a Netflix movie. I find that appalling. But then again, I actually love sex.

To answer your question directly: Government marriage deserves to die off. It muddies the waters when it comes to assessing happiness and it's a net negative for men. Bring back private marriage (via Church or secular interests) like it was in 99% of human history.

funfacts_82 · 2024-05-17T18:17:04+00:00

That seems very unlikely. Almost any older couple I know are happy.

Yes, they're a bit rough to each other sometimes because after such a long time you are more direct since your partner knows everything anyway but that doesn't mean they're unhappy

soviet_enjoyer · 2024-05-18T00:10:33+00:00

My grandparents had what I would say was a very fulfilling relationship until the death of one of them. Sure they most likely didn’t have sex as ninety years old, but they definitely were soulmates. They genuinely loved each other and continued to do so for more than sixty years of marriage. If any such thing as “relationships goals” exist, in my mind that’s it. It was a semi-arranged marriage by the way: the families introduced them to each other and since they clicked they gave them the approval for marriage. Which at time was quite progressive actually. To get back to the main point, their relationship was vastly most satisfactory than most relationships today. There’s no doubt about this.

KorinTowerFreeloader · 2024-05-18T07:19:49+00:00

Older couples? I would worry more about the younger couples.

<image>

Title	How many older couples that didn't get divorced actually have fulfilling relationships?
Author	Novel-Tip-7570
Upvotes	23
Comments	87
Date	May 17, 2024 6:00 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1cubvlf/how_many_older_couples_that_didnt_get_divorced/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-many-older-couples-that-didnt-get-divorced.1518768 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518768

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