Keeping your maiden name

MrCheddarCheese · 2015-09-29T21:44:18+00:00

I believe it takes a truly fragile ego to get upset about your prospective wife's choice of surname. My wife took my name, by her own choice, because she felt no connection to her biological father (who was never a part of her life). But I certainly wouldn't have given a rat's ass if she had chosen not to take my name.

KetsupCereal · 2015-09-30T01:38:21+00:00

I'm not changing mine unless I like his more. Like I saw one today I thought "That is a Kickass last name I would SO take that name!" I get the whole making a family thing, but I'm still my own person regardless. I don't see it as a sign of disrespect. It's my name it's my choice. It's been part of my identity my whole life. If a guy got all worked up and wanted to call off everything over it I would serious question his emotional maturity, and the level of respect he had for me.

ReformedTomboy · 2015-09-29T22:12:03+00:00

I don't think anything of if other people want to do it, but for me, yeah I would like to take my husbands name personally, if not professionally. Its signifies coming together as one, one family, one unit. No way in hell would I do what your boyfriend's mother did I want all my children to be by one man, within the confines of marriage and all of us to share the same last name. What it symbolizes to me is all of us existing together as a unified family.

Hyphenated names are okay, but they are impractical after one generation.

As for being "liberated" for keeping your last name, just sounds like bunk. In most cases a woman gets her last name from her FATHER(a man she didn't 'chose'). So why is it liberating to keep your father's last name but "oppressive" to take the name of the man you supposedly chose and want to spend the rest of your life with? Ironically enough I can understand a woman wanting to keep her last name if her name is very 'ethnic' as a way to keep that part of her 'alive' while being married to an outsider. However, in that case I would just give the children middle names that represent that part of their heritage.

I just generally don't like the idea of families (and children specifically) having different surnames.

bromance946 · 2015-09-29T21:34:41+00:00

I love the idea of all girls getting her name and all boys getting his name.

thirdamendment · 2015-09-30T04:36:28+00:00

In my parent's culture, the woman doesn't take the man's name, so I think it's a little bit funny when people talk about how old tradition trumps all.

That said, I have a english first name and a romanticized last name so I've always taken the stance that I'll only change my last name if the person I'm marrying has a cooler last name. My first name is very... old white lady, so I would prefer not to have a really soccer mom sounding married name. But it does appeal to me a little to get a last name that's less... ethnic, but that has more to do with how others perceive me than feeling like I need to change my name. (Some last names sound really hot combined with mine though.) However, it would be a red flag for me if a dude is insistent that I change my name to the point where he thinks I'm disrespecting him.

I don't think I would insist on my children having the same last name as me, mostly because it would kind of put them at a disadvantage in the society we live in. And the whole "giving the girls the maternal last name and the boys the paternal one" thing really bothers me, but it's because, where my family is from, it used to be that girls weren't named to be part of the "true" family line (b/c not sons) and so it smacks of that for me. Although, my grandparents will probably want to give my kids a second name in their language (I have a second name myself) so that would be a way for my kids to also get my name if my spouse isn't from the same ethnic background.

HappilySingleWoman · 2015-09-30T01:06:46+00:00

I personally don't see why the Americans think it's such a big of a deal. In Greece it's common and nobody bats an eye. We're used to it.

99_Problem · 2015-09-30T01:35:46+00:00

Central and South American cultures have the tradition of hyphenated last names, and that's with a strong undercurrent of machismo, so ... eh? No big deal.

I understand how it would be 100x easier for a woman to keep her maiden name for professional reasons.

Edit: Furthermore, if you think about it, children taking the last names of both parents are actually taking the names of both grandfathers.

jhangel77 · 2015-09-30T02:11:48+00:00

When I was married, I took my ex-husband's last name because I thought it was the thing to do. When I got divorced I thought it was only right (especially since we didn't have kids) to change back to my maiden name. If he ever got married again (which he has), I did not want two Mrs. Keith's being around. Also I really like my last name; it's very unique and pretty. If I ever get married again, I am leaning toward keeping my name. One, because it's a pain in the ass to change over everything and Two, my love and respect for my future husband is not contingent on taking his name.

Signed,

not a feminist

lxnarratorxl · 2015-09-29T22:46:54+00:00

If a woman wants to keep her maiden name thats fine, we just wont get married then. I dont have good or rational reasons for it but it is VERY important to me, I wouldnt break uo over it but we would be lifetime relationship rather than husband and wife.

KelIy_C · 2015-09-29T22:18:48+00:00

I'll take my husband's name when I marry him. You're making a family together. That's the point <3

philomexa · 2015-09-29T21:38:51+00:00

Personally, I was too lazy to go to 3 different gov't agencies to change my name. Fuck you, I don't want to have to take time off work just to keep in line with an antiquated tradition, plus, all my work contacts know me as first name maiden name, additionally, I'd have to get a box full of business cards redone.

However our son has his last name, and I hyphenated my last name on facebook.

My husband had no preference one way or another, but I choose to give our baby his last name because I thought it would be nice to have some genealogical continuity.

Why does TRP think its so important? Because they are deeply insecure and like to grasp at the trappings of "traditionalism" to bolster their milquetoast masculinity.

dundundundone · 2015-09-29T22:39:52+00:00

i think it's fine to keep your own name if that's what you want. i think it's also fine to change your name if that's your thing. i love that either can happen these days. i don't think the decision to keep your maiden name makes you any less married or in love.

BaadKitteh · 2015-09-29T23:27:49+00:00

TRP is obsessed with what they feel is their "due respect" and therefore they are hyper paranoid about any slights, imagined or real.

It's not a big deal. At all. On any level, especially if you're getting married. It doesn't change the terms of marriage at all. I took my husband's last name because I wanted to, and he would not have cared in the slightest if I hadn't. Then again, he doesn't spend all his time looking for outside confirmation of his manliness, so he doesn't need to beat his chest to make sure people notice him.

SmurfESmurferson · 2015-09-29T23:50:16+00:00

It's a case-by-case basis.

Personally, I couldn't wait to get rid of my horrific Slavic maiden name, with its multiple syllables and no vowels (seriously, not a one). But if I had been my sister? I would have kept our maiden name, over taking a word for a gross bodily fluid as a last name.

I have one very traditional friend who did change her name, and subsequently blazed an amazing career trail that led to her being an industry talking head on a number of widely watched news shows and magazines. She's now going through a painful divorce, and literally cannot change her name from her ex husband's. She desperately wishes she never changed it, and I think she's right in that.

Another friend of mine didn't change her name, and her (oblivious) husband doesn't mind. However, in this case, she's uncomfortably close to her family and it really does hint at the borderline gross relationship they all have. I'm talking holding-her-brother's-hand-while-standing-next-to-her-husband-in-a-crowded-bar gross/our entire mid-30s to late-40s friend group has made note of it. She really needs to change hers, if only for the psychological benefits.

ThisWontDo · 2015-09-30T01:07:12+00:00

I'm keeping my last name if I ever decide to get married. I would hyphenate though. Also, if I grow a child and push it out of my body, it also gets my last name (or our combined last name of course).

eviljap · 2015-09-30T05:33:23+00:00

Changing your name is just a tradition, so is marriage; no necessary reason for either one.

PemBayliss · 2015-09-29T21:41:24+00:00

What are your thoughts on women keeping their last name when getting married?

Shows lack of respect for the husband; shows that she doesn't really consider herself married; shows that she considers her own identity separate and apart from her husband as more important than her identity with her husband; shows a cavalier and "who gives a fuck" attitude toward her marriage.

Is it a red flag if she does?

Yes; it's a dealbreaker.

Is it a sign of liberation?

No. It's a sign of her fear of trusting a husband.

Does it show a lack of respect for her husband?

yes.

What about hyphenated names?

Same as keeping her own last name.

What about the children?

Children should take the father's last name. It's a public sign of the father acknowledging his children as his.

What if the mother wants to pass on her name to some or all of the kids?

Then she should not have married; and should have had or adopted children as a single mother.

Why does TRP think it is so important?

I don't speak for TRP. But I think a woman taking a husband's last name and the children taking the dad's last name are important because:

The husband and wife agree that they're joining their lives together. They each leave their families and become a family unto themselves.
The husband acknowledges the wife as his responsibility; and the wife acknowledges her husband as her responsibility.
The husband becomes a father and acknowledges the children born to her as fathered by him. He gives those children his name to show to the world that they are his, and he is responsible for them. The children thus have a uniform family identity, because they share a name with both their father AND mother.
A uniform last name displays to the world a family unit, and symbolizes a place where each individual "belongs".

RU_Crazy · 2015-09-29T21:28:27+00:00

I don't care about her changing her name but my kids will have my name. No hyphen. Plain and simple. Call me a shitlord for all I care.

What your boyfriend's family did seems rather odd and needlessly complicated.

kick6 · 2015-09-29T23:03:05+00:00

It's insulting to the husband. It basically says "my daddy is more important than you. That whole vow thing where we pledged ourselves to each other? I'm going to wear a reminder, every day, that this was just a formality."

SoDarkTheConOfMan · 2015-09-29T22:36:34+00:00

Look at all this butt-hurt just because a woman refuses to change her surname when there could be a variety of reasons! If I ever get married, I'm going to test my husband's reaction by not changing my last name! We'll see what happens. If he gets all butt-hurt, now that's a deal breaker!

wtknight · 2015-09-29T22:42:25+00:00

There are many countries in the world where wives don't traditionally take their husband's last name. I'm not sure what Red Pill's big deal is about this. I don't care what surname my wife uses - she could make up a new one for all I care - as long as I have the right to keep my own surname after marriage.

3dbattleship · 2015-09-29T21:47:47+00:00

I like the way my name sounds, the syllables and emphasis etc. It actually rhymes. I wouldn't want to change my name unless I happened to marry someone whose last name sounded as good with my first name. So no, I definitely would not want to be 3dbattleship Clooney.

cats_or_get_out · 2015-09-29T21:52:33+00:00

I tried hyphenating. I was teaching, so my surname was my "name" professionally. (I got married during the school year.) My wedding license is hyphenated. I gave it up after a short while because both of my last names were too long and clunky.

I go by my married name. Why? Because it is the same name as my husband's. We are a family now. (Our parents are a distant part of our families. They play an important role as mentors and grandparents, but they aren't that oppressive force that some parents are.). Our family is the two of us plus our little human. I love that all three of us have the same surname.

I suppose he could have taken my name. I suppose I could have worn a pant suit to my wedding instead of a white dress. I also suppose that instead of exchanging rings, we could have exchanged tattoos or fist bumps. Whatever floats your boat. In the end, I chose his name. It feels right to me.

My dad remarried a wonderful, wonderful woman 20 years ago. It was a second marriage for both of them, and the dynamic of their marriage is different from mine. They are both very independent. They split bills and maintain completely separate finances. They have separate property in their own names. She retained her maiden name. They have a pre-nup. It works for them.

GridReXX · 2015-09-30T03:30:00+00:00

I love my name. It's such a part of who I am. My identity, etc...

Unlike some others I don't "hate it," so the thought of losing it causes me anxiety.

I'm published under it. Everyone seems to love it. I love it. Everything about it commands respect. It's just a great name.

It's a hard name to just give up.

I have to think on this.

I'm considering keeping my name and having my kids have his name.

Or keeping my name as far as publishing, and perhaps changing to his for government purposes.

TLDR - doubt I'm losing my name.

LeaneGenova · 2015-09-29T22:30:03+00:00

I love my SO, I honestly do. But there isn't a single chance in hell I'll take that monstrosity of a last name that he possesses. It's the most clunky, german sounding thing ever. 99% of the time, it's spelled wrong or pronounced wrong. And it's all repeating vowels and blah. Just not good.

Seeing as my name is something clients, attorney and judges should be able to pronounce with ease, I'm going to avoid that mess.

And he's aware of this, and completely fine with it. He knows I respect him so it doesn't matter.

Interestingly, I once had a client who was charged with fraud for changing his name to his wife's last name. So guys changing their last names can still have to endure a lot more for breaking tradition.

Scarlett_Begonias · 2015-09-30T00:19:15+00:00

I don't think it matters. I'm undecided as to whether I will change my name. My fiance's name is similar to mine in length and ease of spelling/pronunciation. Mine is of Irish origin and his is most likely English but can be an Anglicization from Irish, Scottish or German, so they even have a similar sound.

The major factor on the side of changing my name is that our daughter has his name. As far as I recall we never discussed that. I could've written whatever the hell name I wanted in there but I think he would've felt strongly about the last name if it were in question, given how strongly he felt about her first and middle names. Plus now that I think about it he might have momentarily doubted that she was his if I gave her my last name (she turned out to look just like him and nothing at all like me though, so at least he knows she's either his or one of his brothers'... hahaha...)

All jokes aside, I don't think this is a big deal. For some couples sharing a last name might make them feel closer. Some might hyphenate because their two names together form an irresistible pun. If my last name was Butt or Dick or Head or something like that, I would choose my mate basically on surname alone. So yeah, to each his own.

chloe1204 · 2015-09-30T01:28:44+00:00

I wouldn't count on her to be a traditional wife if that is what a man wants.

wombatinaburrow · 2015-09-30T03:19:30+00:00

I took his because feelz. We were married a few days after a multiple death in the family, and changed our plans to my taking his name to honour the loss his family had sustained.

prodigy2throw · 2015-09-30T05:41:05+00:00

If you can't even find a woman who is willing to take your last name if you want then you don't deserve a woman who is willing to take your last name.

anacrassis · 2015-09-29T21:33:54+00:00

This is an issue on which I side with RP. My wife will be taking my name. Men whose wives keep their name (or hyphenate) are perceived as weak, and frankly about half of the incentive for marriage is career advancement anyway, so that would in part defeat the purpose.

iGotXans · 2015-09-29T21:44:54+00:00

I don't give a flying fuck. I'd expect a woman wouldn't wanna take my name because it's a foreign one that's hard to pronounce. I might change my name anyway for that reason. I could not give less of a shit about my last name.

downunderit · 2015-09-29T21:56:39+00:00

I don't blame men for being hurt about their last name not being taken. Its been decades of tradition pointing one way that is difficult to overcome.

its a strong person to shrug off social norms however and do something that you want to do rather than expected to do. And I don't think it is a feminist thing rather it has to do with not being a sheep because its expected.

Feminism is just levelling the playing field in this case. Making it more acceptable to have that choice.

I have no plans to get married and my partner knows if we ever did get married I would not be taking his last name (nor would he be taking mine) and I wouldn't be wearing a ring either as I hate things on my hand.

belletaco · 2015-09-29T22:55:59+00:00

I love my last name and its german roots. It actually stems from royalty. I definitely want to keep it! My kids however could have his. I don't care.

Archwinger · 2015-09-29T21:50:44+00:00

Back when women didn't work and were essentially another mouth to feed, a husband was taking his wife out of her father's care and beginning to care for her himself. So she was leaving her father's home and becoming a part of her husband's. This was symbolized by the woman changing her surname from that of her father to that of her husband.

In the modern day, families really ought to have the same surname just to avoid confusion. When you have a husband, wife, son, and daughter, and two or three last names shared between them, and that becomes commonplace, you almost have to redesign every single form ever on the planet to include some kind of family identifier or a section where you list your legal family members. Maybe assign families a unique number upon marriage and they can put that on all of their documents, but everybody can have whatever name they want.

We're a ways from there yet. But anyway, when a woman today refuses to take her husband's name upon marriage, what she is saying is that, "My identity, my roots, and my pre-marriage family are more important to me than my role as a part of your family. I am not becoming a part of your family. I am simply acquiring a husband."

That's a definite red flag, because you already know you've got a battle in front of you if you intend to be leader of your household. She doesn't even consider herself a part of your household. She's her own person -- not one of you. She's herself, and you'd better appreciate that!

Yeah, that doesn't fly for a lot of men.

SerpOfZerk · 2015-09-29T23:09:06+00:00

If a woman doesn't want my name I'm going to question whether or not she actually wants me

pillburt · 2015-09-29T23:29:24+00:00

She won't respect me if I failed that shit test. Ain't no way, ain't no how.

ReginaRadfem · 2015-09-29T21:34:09+00:00

Ugh I'm torn. It is so patriarchally oppressive that women are expected to take a man's last name. It's not enough to basically enslave us, they have to wipe out our identities too?

But then you realize even your own last name likely descends from a man, at some point, somewhere in history. I think the only real solution is to give ourselves new last names like members of the Nation of Islam do.

SirNemesis · 2015-09-29T22:08:00+00:00

Only way she is keeping her maiden name is if she comes from an influential family and I find value in adopting her surname. Otherwise, she is gonna be changing her surname so that we all have the same name.

ReformedTomboy · 2015-09-29T22:25:26+00:00

A question Ive always had about women who think taking a man's last name is oppressive is why get married in the first place. As far as I'm concerned the last name thing is only symbolic of what marriage actually (historically) stood for which is 'submitting' yourself to a man. So whats the point in rejecting the symptom (name change) but not the disease (marriage)?

Sleela17 · 2015-09-29T22:34:30+00:00

I plan on taking his last name when I marry, for a few reasons. For one, I hate my last name. I'm not close to my father or his family so I won't be sad to see it go, plus it got me picked on as a kid so if I could save my kids that hardship, great. Second, it just seems easier than having to explain why your names are different, why your kids' names are hyphenated, etc. Maybe it is an outdated tradition, but it's not one I personally feel the need to buck.

But, I don't think it's a matter of respect and I think it's silly to say a wife is disrespecting her husband by not taking his name. It's just a tradition, like eating cake at your wedding. If you want to do it, cool; if not, don't. Who cares?

[deleted] · 2015-09-29T23:12:39+00:00

[permanently deleted]

JeanValjean197o · 2015-09-29T23:30:22+00:00

I'm going to turn this question around and watch the hamsters squirm.

Ladies, if you were about to get married and your fiance told you that you CANNOT have his name; that he's keeping it and you have to keep your own; how are you going to feel about it?

I'm not letting any woman have my name.

As for kids, if they are my kids they bear my name. If she doesn't want that then she should declare it upfront so I can next her early on.

babydocnorman · 2015-09-30T00:07:12+00:00

What happened to marriage being about two individuals merging into one family unit with the husband and wife sharing the same last name as a symbol of that merger? For example, Jane Smith and John Jones becoming Team Jones.

Since women generally are the ones seeking commitment and marriage is the ultimate form of commitment by a man, taking a man's last name in marriage was actually something a woman desired. IMO, if a woman doesn't want to take a man's last name in marriage, it's a sign that she doesn't value his commitment that much.

squidracer · 2015-09-30T00:56:13+00:00

If a woman didn't want to take the husband last name there is a good chance the marriage will eventually end on divorce..

Cohabitation would be a good option for such a couple..

[deleted] · 2015-09-29T22:22:42+00:00

[permanently deleted]

strongalfalfa · 2015-09-29T21:41:46+00:00

What are your thoughts on women keeping their last name when getting married? Is it a red flag if she does? Is it a sign of liberation?

It is a sign that we have made progress thanks to feminism. The fact that women are allowed to make this decision speaks volumes about how much progress society has made.

The fact that so many people struggle to comprehend that a woman may want to keep her own surname instead of taking her husbands speaks volumes about how much further we need to progress as a society.

LimboLoves · 2015-09-30T00:17:40+00:00

I have no intention on oppressing my made up fake fiancée but I want to go by tradition and use my last name. It's a cool Dutch name so you'd have to be a real bore to not take it. I would feel like a lowly bitch if my girl didn't want my name. Thankfully I've never met a wife with her last name yet.

DaThrowaway808 · 2015-09-30T01:22:59+00:00

I want to add my fiancée's maiden name to my own. Why? Because it means something inappropriate.

dejour · 2015-09-30T03:00:05+00:00

I like the idea of having one name as a family. That said, as a guy, I'd never take my wife's name.

So if this hypothetical wife didn't want to change her name, that's her choice and I'd accept it.

In some ways though, I would view her changing her name as a sign of commitment from her. Maybe I'd view it the same way as a woman whose fiance bought her a super cheap engagement ring? Is she actually all-in?

squirrelcuisine · 2015-09-30T17:49:10+00:00

Was one of my hidden red flags.

Wants to Hyphenate? Cool.. Do that with someone else.

Funniest thing I think I read on TRP that summarized it.

The debate is. "Either way you are taking the name of one man or another."

I kinda like the idea of making a whole new name however.

Take my name or dont.. Hyphenators offend me and it would be a VERY big silent red flag with me.

bra burner ahead

AbrasiveAsshole · 2015-09-30T19:30:16+00:00

I would not marry a woman who would not take my name.

No hyphens, either.

Sleela17 · 2015-09-30T23:37:06+00:00

Am I safe in assuming that all the men ITT arguing for the sanctity of Judeo-Christian tradition also fully support male circumcision?

PrimePussyOverRancid · 2015-09-29T21:38:39+00:00

It's part of my whole "empire building" schtick.

I'm quite proud of what I've built up and continue to build, my name is closely tied with it, and my wife, children and offspring will be a part of my empire and have access to all the benefits that will be available for them.

If my wife somehow had a bigger empire/fortune attached to her maiden name, then I'd want my children to have that. But I'd keep my own last name, no hyphen, because again, I'm proud of what I've built with it.

pandorarosie · 2015-09-29T21:56:41+00:00

I have a couple of publications under my maiden name...and as a professional you need to keep one name...so whoever wants to access your publications can easily do so. I don't see the big deal...as for children, this can get a bit tricky. I will either hyphenate or combine our last names together (depending on what we agree on).

autoNFA · 2015-09-30T00:22:18+00:00

They agreed that all girls would get her name (again, no hyphen), and all boys get his father's name.

I think it's confusing at least, and possibly detrimental to a cohesive family identity, for siblings with the same parents to have different surnames. Even hyphenation would be better, IMO, and I find hyphenation aesthetically unpleasing.

IndyBrodaSolo · 2015-09-30T01:03:10+00:00

If woman don't want to have my name, then there is easy solution. Don't get married with me. But they can't just cherry pick the parts of the marriage that they want.

And even more so with women who want their children to have their maiden name. Do you know what kind of women have children that carry their maiden name? Single mothers. If woman wants that, well, that's her right to choose, but she can't except marriage and children and still keep her name.

Lite-brite · 2015-09-30T02:18:45+00:00

I think the reason people get married is to bind to a person but also a tradition we all recognize. So anytime people say, "I want to get married but I don't [insert marriage tradition/ritual]" I just wonder what the point is. The again, if you get married, you deserve every bad thing that happens to you.

Title	Keeping your maiden name
Author	TheChemist158
Upvotes	9
Comments	428
Date	September 29, 2015 9:27 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/3mvvin/keeping_your_maiden_name/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/keeping-your-maiden-name.279321 https://theredarchive.com/post/279321

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