I am a divorce lawyer, AMA

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T16:25:16+00:00

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HereHoldMyBeer · 2013-06-23T18:39:58+00:00

I was divorced back in 1998, so awhile ago. One thing that always bugged me was the standard that since I was a working man and she a stay at home wife and mother, that for continuation of care reasons, it was best if the kids went to her.

The thing is, that was when married, now she is starting a new job which can always be temporary and not going to be home all the time, whereas I was working the same job I had for the previous 10+ years and living in the same home, so it seems I would be more stable.

Why then do judges look at the past, when the future is completely different?

LobotomistCircu · 2013-06-23T17:16:18+00:00

How often do prenuptial agreements stand? I heard somewhere that they get turned over pretty regularly now as long as the signing party argues that they weren't of sound mind or under duress.

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T17:54:16+00:00

Another question, I don't know if you're allowed to answer this, maybe if you do it vaguely: quite simply, what's the worst thing you've witnessed in your job?

SheepAnnihilatorBoy · 2013-06-23T16:09:43+00:00

A lot of people claim that divorce laws/courts tend to favour women. Your thoughts on this?

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T20:31:53+00:00

My wife disappeared and I have no idea what state she's in even. I don't know her social or anything. Her Facebook is private and she never responds to my messages. How do I go about getting a divorce?

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T19:12:03+00:00

If I was to be getting married - how can I ensure that should we divorce she gets none of my stuff apart from her share of things we may co-own (such as house etc)

Is it as simple as a prenup?

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T20:08:34+00:00

Looked through some of the questions, and I haven't seen this one asked yet. Forgive me if it has been.

In your experience, what's the main reason for people getting divorces? I don't know if your clients would even talk with you about that anyway, but I figured it might get brought up sometimes.

Also, thanks for doing the AMA!

Super_delicious · 2013-06-23T19:00:06+00:00

My dad is going through a divorce and there's something I don't understand. He's a hard working man whose a good father while my mother is an abusive alcoholic. My dad has testimony after testimony of her being herself and yet she has full custody. What the hell is with that?

Collective82 · 2013-06-23T18:17:13+00:00

Thank you for doing this.

biscuitgravy · 2013-06-23T17:20:58+00:00

Is there any real way to force a custodial parent to uphold visitation? I've never seen this.

Fintago · 2013-06-23T20:28:41+00:00

Thank you for doing this and putting up with some of our more loaded and angry questions and keeping an impeccable calm. This is something very close to home for many of the people and it can sometimes be hard for us to hear something that contradicts our viewpoint and experiences, but it is needed from time to time. And it is made all the more helpful by your calm non-judgmental attitude. Thank you once again.

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T16:30:34+00:00

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ConfirmedCynic · 2013-06-23T20:30:55+00:00

Why do we hear of child support payments being set unreasonably high in some cases? I.e. more than the ex-husband can actually pay, especially in cases where his income is variable (acting for example). And then why do we hear of the courts refusing applications to lower it when the ex-husband's circumstances change (i.e. can't find similar work after losing a job)?

biscuitgravy · 2013-06-23T16:25:35+00:00

Do divorces cases ever go well for men if they don't have enough money to afford a divorce lawyer? What factors affect this?

What course of action do you recommend for a guy who is trying to decide whether or not to hire a lawyer or save his money for later?

Are the free legal aid clinics worth it?

In your experience, how can a man best set up his lawyer to defend his case for full or shared custody of his children?

Answer what you can. Thanks in advance.

blunt-e · 2013-06-23T20:07:35+00:00

Do you recommend or discourage a pre-nup? Any advice on getting the SO to go for it?

real-boethius · 2013-06-23T21:51:12+00:00

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Hypersapien · 2013-06-23T16:11:19+00:00

How common is it for women to be advised by their lawyer to get a restraining order for no reason other than to make her look victimized?

avantvernacular · 2013-06-23T22:06:01+00:00

Can you provide proof that you are a divorce lawyer?

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T18:30:23+00:00

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joshA11 · 2013-06-23T19:13:42+00:00

Would you say your marriage is better because of your job?

skintightmonopoly · 2013-06-23T20:03:23+00:00

Thank you very much for your time! I've learned a lot from your responses so far.

How do courts generally go about investigating/proving DV cases? Do you have experiences in these cases? How much "proof" is needed before full custody is awarded to one parent?

My interest lies in what proof the judge needs to see, and whether police reports are needed.

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T20:42:05+00:00

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pandashuman · 2013-06-23T23:47:31+00:00

My friend is going to file for divorce and there is a kid involded. does it cost more for that or same price

TracyMorganFreeman · 2013-06-24T00:05:51+00:00

Could you explain the inconsistency in metrics for alimony and child custody?

It seems to me that with child custody, it is who ever took care of the children more that is more likely to get custody, be it physical and/or legal.

However with alimony, it isn't about the contribution, but what is sacrificed. The primary caretaker is for lack of a better term rewarded financially for not contributing financially, whereas the primary earner is not rewarded custodially for giving up time with their family, or a less stressful life.

This inconsistency basically punishes the primary earner in regards to custody for contributing more to the family by holding their financial contributions against them and simultaneously enforcing them, and then rewarding the primary caretaker financially for not contributing financially, and rewarding them custodially for contributing in care of a child.

If my understanding of alimony proceedings is correct, domestic contributions are treated with equal considerations as financial ones, but it does not appear to be the case for custody proceedings, and if anything the opposite.

It strikes me as a huge inconsistency in the justification for either. My question is more regarding the legal theory behind this, as it is possible that there is something that I have not considered.

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T18:46:36+00:00

I'm not sure if you frequent this sub often, but I was wondering what are your responses/reactions to this video. It's a young girl's public video response regarding her struggle against the UK family law system for not letting her be with her father. It's in the UK and the laws are different there (you said you practiced in a southern US state), but I was wondering what your experience in divorce law can tell me about this.

*Looks like the video was reposted back to the MRA front page.

_not_forgotten · 2013-06-24T01:52:15+00:00

Ok, you are broke and unhappy in your job. I get that. This is not meant as a pile-on.

I don't think that men's rights need advocating.

In college, I wanted to be an elementary school teacher but I ran into certain biases that put me off that path.

Not knowing your specific situation, but considering statistics, it is likely that this was gender bias. Do you not experience cognitive dissonance?

Boethias · 2013-06-23T16:56:03+00:00

Does your state have permanent lifetime alimony? Could you briefly, talk about how alimony and child support are calculated, in general? What's fair or unfair about it? Do courts do a good job - in your opinion - of distinguishing between not-custodial parents who can't pay and those who refuse to pay?

Any interesting stories on this topic?

SarcastiCock · 2013-06-23T18:31:02+00:00

Can you provide proof/confirmation to the moderators?

ShutupPussy · 2013-06-23T16:36:33+00:00

Hi, thanks for doing this AMA.

Is there any advice that you have for men who think their wives might be fancying a divorce to do to protect themselves from any possible unjust treatment (of the law)?

Also, is there anything you recommend men know or do in particular aside from a standard prenup (if they so choose) when they are about (or thinking) or getting married?

Sorry for the crappy open ended question.

AtheistConservative · 2013-06-23T19:05:58+00:00

Are there any common misconceptions about divorce cases/courts that you would like to clear up?

Are you privy to actual state level statistics on cases? I.e. which way alimony goes, how long it goes, who get's the kids etc?

Riddle me this Batman: If all of a couple's children are in school, both parents can reasonably be working at least part time. Why is that judges award custody or a majority of the custody to mother's so often, and then make the father pay? If father's are more likely to be financially viable, shouldn't they get primary custody of school aged kids?

Mundokiir · 2013-06-23T20:38:30+00:00

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pwnedkiller · 2013-06-23T22:59:03+00:00

Seeing as your mom has gone through two divorces. What was your moms reaction when you announced to her that you were going to be a divorce lawyer and then accomplished that goal.

I am a child of divorce and I do also believe marriage is given up on way to easily anymore.

rootlinuxusr · 2013-06-23T23:16:05+00:00

So, what kind of degree did you need for you position?

American83 · 2013-06-24T00:10:57+00:00

Thanks for doing this.

What is your opinion about this sub reddit?

RageRapter · 2013-06-24T03:16:17+00:00

Where is his verification?

suburban-dad · 2013-06-24T03:35:22+00:00

Hopefully you'll come back to this thread. Here it goes:

Do you have any feel-good stories? By that I mean lawyers, courts, divorces is all mostly negative. Have you ever had clients or cases where fx the parents just couldn't stay married but the proceedings, courts etc. were all handled gracefully by both parties involved? Perhaps that's more common than what we know?

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T18:55:28+00:00

You might not be the right person for this question, but aside from love is there any legal reason for a man to marry?

rapscallionx · 2013-06-23T22:10:06+00:00

Anyone who thinks that a woman who chooses to acquire no life skills should legally have to be taken care of by someone they are choosing to leave has a bias and should have their opinions scrutinized. I'd even go as far as to question their claims of factual observation.

My only two responses to this AMA currently are

1) Holding someone accountable for someone else's bad life decisions is completely ridiculous.

2) Stability for children post divorce is hardly the most important thing for a child. I'm pretty sure temporary instability doesn't come close to affecting a child's well being when compared to considering what will be the best long term situation.

IAMULTRAHARDCORE · 2013-06-23T16:56:48+00:00

Hi, a friend of mine is planning on getting married and we got into an argument about prenups. I don't really know exactly how they work and he doesn't either so I was wondering if you could clear something up for me. Can a prenup cover wealth gained after the marriage? My friend seems to think it only protects what was yours before marriage and while I know that's the most common kind of prenup I thought it could be extended to basically say whatever you want as long as both parties agree on it. It's just a contract right? Or is that incorrect?

juiceyb · 2013-06-23T19:36:30+00:00

I have to ask, what made you become a divorce lawyer? From my experience, I find a lot of people have a negative view of divorce lawyers more than any other kinds of lawyer. It's kind of like a doctor who works at an abortion clinic, some people thank you but other people think you're horrible.

rightsbot · 2013-06-23T16:00:20+00:00

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swisgar12 · 2013-06-23T20:15:49+00:00

Just out of curiosity- during a divorce, have you ever seen a case where they will hire lawyers for property and such, but when it came to child custody they just said some thing like "nah. We can figure that out ourselves?" I guess just more amiable divorces. Less they hate each other, more they just... Didn't feel it anymore?

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T21:03:01+00:00

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pandashuman · 2013-06-23T21:55:19+00:00

Let me just say my question is an oddball one.

Have you noticed in ur experience that married individuals from split parents are more likely to divorce themselves? And vice versa, ppl with married parents more likely to stay together?

Also which gender in ur experience is more likely to initiate the divorce and the top 2 or 3 reasons for initiating it?

Thanks for all your input.

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T22:49:31+00:00

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pandashuman · 2013-06-23T22:49:55+00:00

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real-boethius · 2013-06-23T23:00:29+00:00

Do you have any thoughts about how to avoid getting divorced? What are the risk factors you may have noticed?

If I want to end up with child custody, what should I do during the marriage?

I get the impression that the process is fairly unpredictable, based on your answers. What causes this and how can I mitigate these risks?

fishing-for-downvote · 2013-06-24T01:30:08+00:00

What's up with the idea that the woman always gets the house. Have you noticed a trend like this, or something like that where women get the financial upperhand?

nono638 · 2013-06-24T01:56:53+00:00

Firstly, thanks a lot for your time! Sorry if this question has already been asked, this is a huge thread: In general, do higher fees yield better representation? Or is it more likely the best firms are the highest paid, and in the middle range it's anybody's guess?

DAVIDcorn · 2013-06-24T03:10:51+00:00

I have a question. Why does being a stay at home mom matter, when the child is already 13-18. During the school year i mean. The children are gone pretty much the whole work day anyway, so why should not having a job help the mother?

AndrewLevin · 2013-06-24T15:36:16+00:00

One mantra of men's rights is "ABR", allways be recording. This means that, in the run up to divorce, a father should record everything he says, and everything that is said to him, to avoid the damage of fabricated allegations of child abuse or spousal abuse.

In your experience:

1) How does a court treat audio recordings where the mother threatens to fabricate a false allegation of child abuse or spousal abuse?

2) How can a father defend himself from these kinds of false allegations if he does not have a recording?

Thanks! And thanks for doing this.

pandashuman · 2013-06-25T11:36:42+00:00

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kickitupafewnachos · 2013-08-23T18:55:34+00:00

I have been married for 3 1/2 years and I feel as though I could be happier divorced. I live in an equitable distribution state and wanted to know about dividing assests. I think we have a negative net worth as a couple however she been given appoximately $10 million in a one time tax free gift in the form of an irrevocable trust recently. I honestly feel as though she and her father have been paying her peanuts for a salary (they have a family business) and sheltering her effective income from me in the form of gifts. Her father purchased the house we live in (appraised value $500k) under his name that we live in rent free. She drives an Audi A8 company car (Approximalty $80K). Story like this continue and I feel as though I can curb her spending of our income as a couple to save anything for retirement. She does clilam that we don't need to save for retiremnt because we already have millions that can use however, that money is not in my name.

The question I have is do you think, as my friend not as my attorney, that if she worth approximately $14 million and recevied $12 million of that worth after we were married thorugh irrevocable trust, I would have any chance of getting approximately $75k in a divorce settlement? That is about what I think she has cost me. Is there any value in the way that we have been living over the past 3 1/2 years even though our income does not support it?

Please advise if you feel comfortable. Thank you.

gtfo2 · 2013-10-25T16:00:34+00:00

How often are the gains in a 401k/retirement account during the time of marriage not split 50/50? I'm attempting to go through a divorce without hiring a lawyer, but he's saying that which was earned on the money he had prior to the marriage is decucted from the total amount gained during the marriage. That seems very difficult to calculate. Just take the value when we got married and the current value and be done with it. Just wondering how common it is for people to nitpick down to that level of subtracting gains on funds that existed before.

Beachgal3 · 2013-11-09T17:30:35+00:00

I am in the divorce process and I too agree that marriages are given up on too quickly. I am one of those weird people that believes that when I took the vow, I took it seriously under death do us part. My first marriage (18 years) ended when my husband passed away in our living room and this marriage is ending (another 18 years) with an email. I don't understand why there isn't a better legal situation when these No Fault Divorces happen across state lines (TX and PA) and no lawyer wants to really help and especially if the wife doesn't have any money. I wish there was more that could be researched for women in these type of situations.

559jewel · 2013-12-04T05:06:17+00:00

I was married to someone for only a few months before he went to prison for life. I never wanted to be married to him but I was scared of him and scared to tell him no at the time. When he went to prison, it was my lucky day. My chance to escape him. I'm still legally married to the psycho and I don't want to be. I haven't spoken a word to him in over 10 years. What's the cheapest way to get a divorce from him?

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T19:18:32+00:00

Im getting ready to go to law school and I was really interested in becoming a divorce lawyer. Do you have any advice about the job? What is it like being a divorce lawyer? Most of what I have seen has come from tv shows. How do they differ from real life?

conchords88 · 2013-06-23T20:01:47+00:00

I have a good friend that's a 66 yr old divorce lawyer. we live in texas and when I got got with 4 grams of ecstasy, hydrocodone an ar-15 and 3 pistols (guns arent illegal but with drugs they are and me being 18 made the pistols very questionable) but since he knows everybody in that district I was able to go from facing 2-10 yrs on just one charge to getting 3 dropped and serving a year on probation with 100 hours of community service. in short, I love lawyers now and am one lucky SOB!

xkitesx · 2013-06-23T21:12:20+00:00

After reading your all the comments in this thread I want to thank you for enforcing even further what I learned in my Business Law class. The law is rarely what you think it is and the answer to most questions dealing with the law is "maybe".

MisoRoll7474 · 2013-06-24T06:48:18+00:00

The biggest problem in marriage is that women want a bad guy, and they for are not appreciating nice guys.

Atheistlest · 2013-06-24T05:33:20+00:00

Not sure if this has been posted before or not, and I know that it's probably too late, but I was wondering if you had seen this before and what your thoughts are on it.

NyoZa · 2013-06-24T06:10:01+00:00

You are boring,.

skeemo · 2013-06-24T00:40:53+00:00

how do you sleep at night?

pandashuman · 2013-06-23T16:43:48+00:00

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Title	I am a divorce lawyer, AMA
Author	pandashuman
Upvotes	317
Comments	466
Date	June 23, 2013 3:58 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1gwvd2/i_am_a_divorce_lawyer_ama/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-am-a-divorce-lawyer-ama.1170403 https://theredarchive.com/post/1170403

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