[Q4M] If you couldn’t have sex with your wife/partner ever again, would you still choose to be with them?

Barely-moral · 2021-03-23T16:31:33+00:00

Assume your wife/partner has a disease where it is terribly painful for them to be aroused. That means no sex in any form and no sexual touching. You can still do platonic things like kissing and hugging/cuddling, just nothing sexual. Would you choose to continue your relationship with them?

Yes. This is part of our agreement. I can't leave the relationship due to lack of sex if said lack of sex comes from a medical condition that isn't self inflicted.

The reason I ask is that I saw a post on another sub where someone said if sex wasn’t a factor, men wouldn’t be in relationships with women at all. As a man, do you share that sentiment?

Sex and romantic displays of affection. Assuming heterosexuality of course.

Of course, there isn’t any data on this but if you look at relationships with ‘dead bedrooms’ they usually dissolve pretty quickly.

If miss moral got a disease similar to the concept you are describing our relationship would take a hit but since I don't make decisions based on feelings but on principles I would stay with her. It is not about my feelings, my needs or my well being. I gave my word, I must follow through.

EDIT: Response is still the same after your edit.

TwoTinders · 2021-03-23T20:47:59+00:00

platonic things like kissing and hugging/cuddling

Kissing is not platonic, for the record.

just_a_place · 2021-03-23T17:17:38+00:00

I'm not entirely sure why there can be zero sexual touching of any short. I actually just commented about this on another post here on ppd, but I've got health issues that makes sex incredibly painful. If I'm doing well, in can still be pretty good in the right position, however even still afterwards im left with a lot of of pain and what feels like a raging uti (it's not, it's my bladder disease flaring). If I'm not doing well sex is impossible because it's far too painful.

My husband has gone well over a year without sex with zero complaint. He's even said he could go forever without it if need be. However, we still did and would do other stuff... BJ's, handjobs, fleshlight. So I'm not entirely sure why it's all or nothing. Doesn't seem realistic.

headchefboyardee · 2021-03-23T17:50:58+00:00

If monogamy is strictly enforced, no. In my life, a whole relationship has been defined by a physical, emotional, and social bond—a true 3 legged stool. In my experience one partner ignoring one of the 3 legs is what kills a relationship. Men are likely to ignore the emotional aspects of a relationship and call their relationship good. Women are likely to ignore the physical and call their relationship good. Both exemplify selfishness.

MasterTeacher123 · 2021-03-23T16:26:23+00:00

Um nah. We can be friends though. I really like my GF but sex is too big a deal.

It’s more than just busting a nut, sex is a way of bonding.

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-03-23T19:51:13+00:00

You need to understand that feminism has really fucked up marriage good.

It's hard for men to understand why women have such an avid interest in sex before marriage, yet find themselves not seeing much value of sex in a marriage.

Assume your wife/partner has a disease where it is terribly painful for them to be aroused. That means no sex in any form and no sexual touching. You can still do platonic things like kissing and hugging/cuddling, just nothing sexual. Would you choose to continue your relationship with them?

I think the man's feelings of being used would probably end the marriage.

Depending on the scenario, at what age they got married...etc, it may be difficult for the man not to feel used.

wtknight · 2021-03-23T17:49:08+00:00

If it was some physical disease that she couldn’t control and there was no possible treatment for it, then I’d stay with her and go without sex as long as I could still get hand jobs or oral (There’s no reason based on your description that she wouldn’t be able to do this. The only thing implied is that I can’t touch her. She can still do that without being aroused.).

If it’s something psychological that she refuses to be properly treated for, then I’d probably want to find alternatives for sex, even though I’d still love her.

If I’m actively being dead bedroomed for no good reason, then I’d just leave.

SeemedGood · 2021-03-23T18:09:42+00:00

If my wife appreciated me for my being without regard to my utility to herself and were were therefore in an actually mutually loving relationship, I would definitely stay in the relationship - with the understanding that her lack of ability to be sexually intimate was entirely related to a physical condition and in no way reflected a lack of sexual attraction to me.

If her appreciation of me was in any way conditional on my utility to herself, and she therefore viewed our relationship as transactional, I would not stay.

geometersbane · 2021-03-23T17:14:52+00:00

Not even blowjobs? If she was immaculate in all other areas (cooking, homemaking, big overlap in interests/hobbies, feminine personality, etc), I would strongly consider it. Otherwise, it's a non-starter.

athrowaway283222 · 2021-03-23T16:20:35+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Blo0dThIRstT_phinsup · 2021-03-23T16:36:07+00:00

Of course I would, she's not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with because of sex.

Namah-Mayco · 2021-03-23T16:27:03+00:00

If it was a relationship that started off sexual and then the hypothetical disease or whatever kicked in after developing a bond, then I would stay. But if there was no sex to begin with, then I wouldn't have entered the relationship. I've said this before, but the difference to me between someone being a "close friend" and a "lover" is the intimacy and sex. I can open up or support people emotionally with many people, girls and guys, but the physical relationship is exclusive.

Acceptable_Parking96 · 2021-03-23T17:56:50+00:00

Probably not... Unless it's impossible due to a physical factor. Consistent sex and intimacy are one of the biggest differentiators between a friendship and relationship.

2021-03-23T18:53:38+00:00

If you can touch/hug you can figure out something sexual.

FreeDinnerStrats · 2021-03-23T16:26:24+00:00

No. My dad is somewhat in the unfortunate scenario described above. Mom had breast cancer and the chemo ruined her ability to lubricate. They haven’t had sex in a couple years now and it’s definitely taking it’s toll on both of them, dad especially though, even in spite of being able to do oral and things like that. They’ve been married 26 years though, so they don’t know anything else and divorce just isn’t worth it.

Mustbeaight · 2021-03-23T16:49:51+00:00

If I was married or whatever my answer will probably be no.. just like i don’t expect a woman to stay if her man loses his money.. becomes fat.. gets ED.. etc.. like let’s be honest.. the bs called “love” is just transactional.. why would I expect someone to stay if there’s nothing in it for them

Goodthingstartssmall · 2021-03-23T21:55:29+00:00

No. She can still buy swim and gym wear, dance for me and i'm nutting to her sexy movements.

rawnute · 2021-03-23T16:30:51+00:00

Of course no lol is this even a question?? Are you serious??

old_wise_man_ · 2021-03-23T21:06:59+00:00

If She was my wife, yes. If She wasnt, no.

With a wife I made vows and promises that i will fulfill. With a partner I made no promises.

AelfredRex · 2021-03-23T17:51:55+00:00

Yes, because my wife is my best friend and I love her and I wouldn't be such a selfish asshole as to dump her as soon as I couldn't get my dick wet.

There's far more to life than just sex.

Bandit174 · 2021-03-23T17:02:59+00:00

I don't know to be honest. The no sexual touching at all makes it a lot worse. Also wouldn't cuddling be off limits too? I would think that has a tendency to be arousing...no?

poppy_blu · 2021-03-23T17:53:08+00:00

How old are we when this happens? If I’m pushing 65, then maybe I’d stay. But otherwise, I actually lived through a situation like this, we divorced. She came out as a lesbian, so obviously nothing sexual could happen between us. Actually she cared enough about me that she offered to do open marriage or something else, but, ironically, that wouldn’t have worked for either of us because it would’ve been weird sharing intimacy with someone else.

So, no, I wouldn’t. That doesn’t prove sex is the only reason for relationships/marriage though, that just proves it’s a necessary component.

Pilling_it · 2021-03-23T18:11:40+00:00

Well, if I don't have sex in a relationship I'm not going to be happy, however I rationalize it, so better to leave it there. It's basic requirement, it's not the majority of the relationship but it's still essential. See it like a man stopping to make money altogether.

And yeah, no guy enter a relationship where sex won't be a thing. So to give context to what you read, it's more that there won't be any forming if you're upfront with it.

abaxeron · 2021-03-23T18:26:21+00:00

Depends.

There's a huge difference between "I'm ready to rearrange things and take on additional responsibilities", and "my input into this relationship is now decimated; deal with it and keep doing everything you did before".

geyejoe7 · 2021-03-23T19:03:40+00:00

If we were just dating, no. Instantly would leave, before I catch feelings if the person can't ever have sex again. Since sex is a big part of a relationship.

However, right now, when I'm happily engaged, even at this young age, I'd choose to stay. Because it's more than sex and all that stuff now. I'm bonded with her on a deep level. I can still jerk off and do other stuff which is a ton of fun too.

poppy_blu · 2021-03-23T20:30:51+00:00

I would and my wife would allow me to be in an open marriage if that were the case so its not that hard a choice for me.

athrowaway283222 · 2021-03-23T21:28:20+00:00

If I was already married I'd stick it out with her if something like that happened, but would I choose her if I knew it before hand? Heck no. She would be a friend. Why would you basically commit yourself to chastity when you can just be friends and find someone you could actually be with sexually?

Matt_Door · 2021-03-23T21:55:04+00:00

I’ve been in this position, did it for several years and came out the other side of the desert. Things weren’t the same and I wouldn’t recommend it

2021-03-23T22:34:09+00:00

If it's due to a health condition I would stay with her because that's what I would want her to do for me. It would be an extremely unfortunate situation but I would stay.

On the other hand, if the lack of sex is within her control and she is making no efforts to improve it, I might leave. It depends on how much I love her, I suppose.

343_peaches_and_tea · 2021-03-24T08:00:11+00:00

I should’ve been more explicit- by choosing to stay with your partner, I meant in a monogamous relationship. So no open marriage, nothing on the side, just you and her.

I think the issue is that I probably wouldn't date anyone who was like this. My wife and I have agreed in these circumstances that we'd open up our relationship. (in either direction)

The thing that I've learned as I've gotten older is that sexual needs are important. It's okay to want for them to be met in a relationship. I care about my wife's needs and she cares about mine. If hers aren't being met because of some horrible accident then I don't want her to feel trapped in dating me. She would be fine getting sex elsewhere as long as we maintain the emotional relationship and vice versa.

At the end of the day, I think it's important to care about your partner's wellbeing. I think what I'd be worried about with someone who want me to be celibate if they couldn't or didn't want to have sex, is that they didn't care actually about me. I think a lot of people like the feeling of being 'in love' or 'in a relationship' but are genuinely unable to care about their partner's wellbeing.

There's also this idea that people who love their partner 'beyond sex and sex doesn't even matter' are somehow more in love. That's just nonsense.

secrettruth2021 · 2021-03-23T17:38:14+00:00

I'm married and love my wife. We have opposing sexual appetite her low me high. We manage and have life cycles of ups and downs. Would I leave her? No I was taught to never quit but adapt. I'm trying to hammer the same philosophy in my kids. Your life will be a continuation of challenges and obstacles - adapt. I would take it a challenge and find other ways to enjoy each others company, you weren't specific, maybe hj and bj would be away or even masturb. with her naked..when there is a will there is a way. When we got married we vowed " ....in sickness and health... until death does us part" Quitting is easy... Life is about overcoming and becoming resilient

Head-Language-2977 · 2021-03-23T16:27:54+00:00

This is why it’s so important that the foundation of any LTR is NOT SEX. Sex is both awesome and important, but I think in a perfect world, companionship should be the foundation of an LTR.

If the spouse had a disease it’s through no fault of their own. Hopefully the healthy partner would express their concerns about sex and suggest alternatives for their own sexual gratification and not just simply sneak around and cheat.

Psychological_Wear_7 · 2021-03-23T16:31:22+00:00

I'd stay but get a mistress on the side.

Might even convert to Islam so I could get a second wife

Jakes1967 · 2021-03-23T16:58:16+00:00

If you couldn’t have sex with your wife/partner ever again, would you still choose to be with them?

Yes

michael1962-01 · 2021-03-23T17:36:45+00:00

2021-03-23T18:03:06+00:00

Nope. This is an easy one. Next.

PMmeareasontolive · 2021-03-23T18:49:04+00:00

If the situation were reversed and I was the one who was incapacitated I would wish her godspeed finding a new partner. I would hope we could remain friends.

CosmicBioHazard · 2021-03-23T20:45:16+00:00

Assuming I wake up one day married and this happens after the issue of having kids has been squared away, I just might? But I do get off on kissing pretty hardcore so I should hope that enjoying that a little too much isn’t a loophole or anything.

Turbo_superbike · 2021-03-23T21:13:35+00:00

If I truly loved her and took a religious oath to be with her, yes...But the main point is the religious oath..If she was just a run of the mill girlfriend then no

rawnute · 2021-03-23T21:21:48+00:00

Depends on how much I love them and what they're still capable of doing. If she can still touch or suck or I can titjob her myself and she still wants to get down, then yeah. If she just doesn't want to have sex anymore, then the relationship is probably over at that point and I would suggest or have already suggested splitting up.

forthetinderelllas · 2021-03-23T21:57:23+00:00

if they insist on us being sexually exclusive when sex isnt on the table then i don't know if we can even be friends lol

reeperkiller99 · 2021-03-23T22:42:55+00:00

Personally i would stay me and my gf tried us both having a side piece and we both did not enjoy it but i would prob just get some toys for self pleasure to keep me sastified, also we would just have to adopt because we both want kid just she would get the boy and girl she wanted.

TheConsumateCracker · 2021-03-23T23:59:05+00:00

40/M/ex-MGTOW wanting to marry again: I would absolutely choose to stay with my wife no matter her physical illnesses. For starters, I vetted her through courting her. If I chose to marry her once, then I will always choose her. I'm not just in a relationship with my wife in my marriage, I'm first and foremost in a relationship with The Son of God who invented marriage to evanelise to the rest of the world just what He thinks about His relationship between Himself and His people.

Edit: A good husband will take what a wife can comfortably give him and say, "You are sufficient." A good wife will try to figure out someway somehow to be physical with her husband. If penetration hurts, then oral or hand or even if she can't do that then at least she can let him see her nude. She can at least know she is the only person he needs to look at. If he looks at anything else, that's his sin.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2021-03-24T01:50:45+00:00

This would largely depend on if we had children together.

If yes, I would move into my own room. I will not share a bed with someone if we are not using it. Why would I torture myself? No guarantee this would last, however.

If no, I would be out. I would rather live a life in peaceful solitude than with a roommate any day of the week.

2021-03-24T02:13:38+00:00

I loved a woman enough earlier in life that I probably would have stayed with her even if she was a quadriplegic. Easy for me to say years later when I am not around her, though. Probably would not be a big deal for me, but I am old AF.

mindsanitizer · 2021-03-24T10:15:59+00:00

Fascinating thead. I am in a pretty similar situation (post-menopausal wife who is just OVER PIV). We still do other stuff (oral and handjobs) but as a man the idea of never fucking again can bring on an existential crisis. It feels like a major step closer to death. If we didn't have kids I would probably divorce, but we have kids and I love living with them and she's a great mom and a great person. But something like this eats away at the relationship over time.

I would probably take it much easier if she had tried to address the situation but she isn't interested in going to a gynecologist or investigating HRT or experimenting with different lubes or anything. So over time I've stopped extending myself for things that she cares about, which reduces HER satisfaction in the marriage and gets us in the classic tit-for-tat downwards spiral that marriage counselors everywhere are familiar with.

Harvest895 · 2021-03-24T15:20:16+00:00

If the guy wants kids then that’s a tough one. Maybe adoption? But couldn’t she also suck him off? Can she not make out with him and jerk him at the same time? There’s other ways to please a man.

2021-03-26T03:16:47+00:00

Her doctor said she can't have sex. Okay.

Soooo.... what did her DENTIST SAY?

Snoo52682 · 2021-03-23T16:26:06+00:00

"... if you look at relationships with ‘dead bedrooms’ they usually dissolve pretty quickly."

Cite?

YouSaidChicken · 2021-03-23T17:07:12+00:00

No. Why would I keep making payments on a car lease without an engine?

So like that, we can stay together, sure, but then she gets no money and has to pay for everything.

No finance with romance.

Barneysparky · 2021-03-23T16:41:00+00:00

Yes, because the only reason we are not having sex anymore is because she can't. However, if that condition is "vaginismus", she needs to get that treated and find a way to have sex. ("Vaginismus" is really just "I'mnotattractedtohimitis".)

I would also have sex with other women. I would also get sidepieces.

Fortunately this is rare. You should have asked what is much more common, which is women who aren't attracted to their husbands are withholding sex and whether the men with these women would stay if they wouldn't get spike studded baseball bats rammed up their asses in divorce court.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-03-23T16:24:07+00:00

Hypothetically if I I was actually into the marriage thing , I would say if we agreed that I can have sex with other women then yes, if not no

reignoferror00 · 2021-03-23T16:35:18+00:00

If she isn't able to have sex and if she does truly love me, she would want me to find sex elsewhere. Cutting off all sex in my life isn't at all a loving thing to do to me.

The very least she could do is a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

midwesternMD · 2021-03-23T17:18:59+00:00

Fuck no. If she gave me permission to get my needs met outside of the marriage, then I’d probably stay. Yes, most vows typically include “in sickness and in health,” but even in sickness, workarounds are given a chance. Making me commit to a life of celibacy is not fair, and would make me question her moral compass. I am somewhat liberal.

Slyfer_Seven · 2021-03-23T18:49:11+00:00

I mean if my wife could no longer have sex and the marriage is great otherwise, I see no reason some sort of arrangement isn't made, but even if not, I'm staying.

Outside of a marriage, if no arrangement can be made... Nope

StunningEstates · 2021-03-23T21:46:05+00:00

Of course not, almost nobody would if asked off the record and weren’t allowed to virtue signal.

People want to act like a huge part of relationships, pre-children, isn’t sex. And that’s just not the case. We’re human beings, we’re not a Disney movie.

just_a_place · 2021-03-24T04:52:25+00:00

YES,

because sex is more than just penetrating her vagina. If I chose to be with this girl and commit to her it's because I love her and I am not about to ditch her just because she is suffering, on the contrary that is where I would double down on my commitment because when you love someone you care for their well being for their own sake. I would gladly sacrifice whatever I would have to sacrifice if it means warding off any ill or harm and providing for her safety and security in the knowledge that she can't do no wrong by me because love is not a contract she can break. I am giving it to her freely and her only choice is whether to accept it.

I believe that when we love a girl for real and isn't just some silly crush or a purely sexual attraction then I will commit to this woman because I genuinely love he; this means I can no more leave her due to an illness than I could just leave my sister, mother, daughter on their own just because they are ill. This would be monstrous. What sort of unfeeling choad would ever do that? I would need to be there, I have to fight and provide for her because I want the best for her. I want her to be happy, safe, and secure and I want to see her thrive and grow.

As for physical intimacy, when it comes to it, there are plenty of other ways, as you said - there is hugging, cuddling, making out, foreplay, and oral sex. Love means effort, so I would expect we would both figure out a way to have all types of fun together. For my part I would certainly be looking for ways to have fun with her sexually while empathizing with her situation.

I should also express that I have never been genuinely in love with a girl but I have come pretty close through crushes. That is how I know how I would behave when I do fall in love and when I do choose to commit to a girl. The reason I am not exclusive right now is precisely because I understand the sheer dedication that committing to a monogamous relationship means. The way I see it, it's literally adding another family member to my life! This is no small thing which is why I do not treat it lightly.

Sex will always be a factor but bear in mind our sexuality is complex enough that it allows for a thing called sexual transmutation in where we look for unusual and unique ways to express our sexual feelings that aren't necessarily sex itself. Like all the stuff I mentioned: oral, foreplay, making out, roleplaying, etc When I love a woman, my sexual needs will mutate and adapt to her needs. But here is where you have to bear in mind that sexual allure and sexual expression are the starting points of attraction for men, so without these a crush will usually not evolve into genuine love. At the end of the day we are evolved to procreate as our main biological imperative. When this is denied or taken away then it is an uphill battle which is why dead bedrooms cause separation and divorce. We are literally hard wired to seek a mate to procreate with. It is wise to never forget this.

boomershack · 2021-03-23T19:49:38+00:00

Get a second wife.

OG_walrus · 2021-03-23T20:09:53+00:00

Get your wife to find you something like a hot bang maid for you. I've heard that this has happened.

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Hoopy223 · 2021-03-23T17:08:23+00:00

There’s no way to answer that unless you’ve been in the situation yourself. I don’t think I could stick out a completely monogamous sexless marriage unless I were elderly and didn’t care about sex anymore.

roman99789 · 2021-03-23T22:21:25+00:00

It's all about sex in the end. If women have their ovaries removed, not only do they lose interest in sex, they lose interest in men altogether. Love IS sex, wether we admit it or not.

Arnold_Incelinator · 2021-03-24T00:02:48+00:00

Yes, I wouldnt leave her.

Expensive-Guitar3609 · 2021-03-24T01:02:42+00:00

If we couldn't, yes. If she didn't want to, no.

_Neon_Shadow_ · 2021-03-24T01:10:03+00:00

JB8511R · 2021-03-24T01:18:14+00:00

Yeah. As a Virgin I’d take anyone who genuinely loves me and shows me affection, even an asexual

GetChillGetThrills · 2021-03-24T01:53:20+00:00

If she's okay with me sleeping with other women, then yes I'd stay with them.

Afr0Magus · 2021-03-24T02:51:18+00:00

Absolutely no.

2021-03-24T05:59:15+00:00

Fuck no.

Wouldn't be married in the first place; but if I was, then that whore is going back to the streets instantly.

Ch3ckYourR3ality · 2021-03-24T06:51:43+00:00

Well, since you’re not letting us get any elsewhere, no.

Consistent and easily attainable sex is 75% of the reason I’m in a relationship.

The thrill of the hunt is fun and all but the harems can be mentally draining and the cat fighting was never fun. But I had my fun and plucked one out of the harem who had the best qualities, one of which was incredibly open minded “my body is yours whenever you want it as long as you agree to marry me and I’ll let you do anything you want to me” sex.

Luckily, sex is just as integral for her in the relationship as it is to me.

It’s nice to not have to worry like these other guys do about “marital r word (idk if you get banned for saying that here)”. She’s on board with “don’t marry somebody you’re not going to let fuck you” train.

Workaholiconew · 2021-03-27T01:47:37+00:00

If it is a terminal desease, i.e. she is dying in some months to I guess, 2years. Sure. I would stay with her and be the good faithful husband. But if it is a condition that will let her live her normal lifespan? Probably I would or look to have sex elsewhere (prostitution/sidechick) or find another woman.

As a man, do you share that sentiment?

Yes, some men here may put the usual "I would stay with her to the end of times" but lets be real, chances are, they won't, and they know the won't.

Sex is a need. A basic one, close in strength to other needs such as hunger, thirst and sleep (That is why we call sexually needy men "Sexual starved" and "Thirsty"). A relationship is in part to satiate this very need.

Title	[Q4M] If you couldn’t have sex with your wife/partner ever again, would you still choose to be with them?
Author	rawnute
Upvotes	27
Comments	359
Date	March 23, 2021 4:18 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/mbiceh/q4m_if_you_couldnt_have_sex_with_your_wifepartner/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4m-if-you-couldnt-have-sex-with-your-wifepartner.1189612 https://theredarchive.com/post/1189612

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