What if I'm authentically not happy being single?

LoFiPanda14 · 2023-08-29T18:24:39+00:00

Advice 1 and 2 is independent of attracting anybody and ancient advice. You will need to put yourself out there more, engage in new things, or make a complete lifestyle change if you feel like you’ve hit a wall. And yes some people are destined to be alone forever.

George69143 · 2023-08-29T18:29:40+00:00

That’s the way it is. People just say this stuff to try to make us have a cope for being alone forever. If they were in our position they would be mad also. Be mad, it’s natural, most of my friends guys and girls have had multiple people interested in them from a young age. They don’t get how it is. Don’t ask anyone for advice that can’t even begin to comprehend the struggle. It’s totally normal to be mad about being unable to attract any woman ever. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you or themselves.

szclimber · 2023-08-29T18:50:38+00:00

It's normal and common. Most people are lying or in denial when they say otherwise.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2023-08-29T19:33:49+00:00

Okay you aren't happy right now as a single person and part of that is because of your desire to be in a relationship. Thats understandable but what is in your control is how you react to that.

Do you spend a lot of time thinking about how upset you are? Or do you try to make the best of the single life you have right now?

Here are some things you can try to make the best of things:

Make some friends, including female friends.
Address any addictions you have like with screen time, food, alcohol or other substances.
See a therapist if you have major mental health issues.
Practice mindfulness and meditation.
Exercise ideally high intensity.
Make sure you are getting a proper sleep, sunlight, and nutrition.
Make sure you are spending your time in ways that make you feel proud of yourself.
Try doing some travel.
Take some steps to improve your dating life in ways that improve single life too.
Work on improving your financial stability.

ashpr0ulx · 2023-08-29T17:11:11+00:00

i don’t agree with the idea that everything is butterflies and rainbows when you’re single just because you found self-love. it is normal to long for a relationship and normal to be saddened by a lack of one.

but as a word of advice- finding contentment of some sort by yourself is still important. the first real boyfriend i had was killed very suddenly. you can be in a loving relationship, have everything you ever wanted, and still find yourself completely alone in the blink of an eye. you’ll want to like who you are at least a little when you reach the depths of despair or you’ll never get out.

NocturnalCoder · 2023-08-29T20:57:19+00:00

I am struggling with the same thing, and honestly don't have an answer. Just want to share,aybe vent 😬.

I am a 42yo man. Dovirced, 2 kids 50/50. And I don't know what to make out of all this advice. As an example: I enjoy eating out, and while I can an occasionally will do it ony own, it is not the same on my own. I enjoy discovering a new place with friends and but when I try it can be texting back and forth with 5 people for 3 days to set a date. It is exhausting. So yeah, I would prefer to find my person, her coming home and and us deciding: we had a rough day, let's go to that new Vietnamese place and enjoy our evening eating and laughing.

And honestly, despite the advice I can find, nothing wrong with that.

MxMaster9907 · 2023-08-30T05:08:38+00:00

Wow it’s almost like humans are social creatures and have an innate desire to love and feel loved.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2023-08-29T23:43:54+00:00

I understand. What is the point of winning a lottery if you have no one to share it with... For me everything is just a shallow fun to kill time when I have no one to share it with. It's not that I don't have any hobbies and fully depend on that person to entartain me... It's just that even playing computer game alone is better if I have someone to tell that I saved the world again... That person doesn't even have to be physically there with me all the time (but it's even better with them). But just telling them about that or showing them a photo gives it much more meaning and fullfillment... It's just not IT if you have no one to share it with.

It doesn't mean I will pull them down by being depressed and fully depend on them providing me entartainment. I can find hobbies on my own, I just need someone to share it with. I need someone to tell about a book I read, someone to taste what I cook or bake... Why take a cooking class and then eat alone...

supremethrone · 2023-08-30T10:24:35+00:00

No one is happy alone and people who say that you should learn to be happy to live a lonely life are the same people who have never been single for more than 3 months. They don't know what actual loneliness is and what it means for your mental and physical health. It's pure normie gaslighting designed to remove undesirables from the dating pool. Normie men do it to reduce competition and normie women do it to reduce the bottom 80%.

TheGreatBeefSupreme · 2023-08-30T17:11:02+00:00

Most humans aren’t happy without a sexual partner. It’s normal and don’t let people on this site try to convince you otherwise.

Opening_Tell9388 · 2023-08-29T16:59:34+00:00

This is kind of a major problem though. You're going to put too much weight on someone else for your happiness. which is usually unhealthy af.

No you need to grow up and realize you're an individual. You need to figure out how you can fill that void for yourself because you deserve to be a complete individual.

I'm single and I can tell you, being single is the shit. You get to do whatever you want when you want and be mad greedy with your time. I love being in relationships but boy am I soaking in all this free time.

wtknight · 2023-08-29T19:59:09+00:00

I think the key is to just have fun talking to women and to neither not take finding a relationship too seriously nor to completely give up.

Shark--Week · 2023-08-29T18:53:39+00:00

That's a recipe for disaster the second something goes wrong in the relationship, and it's pretty much a guarantee of disaster no one finds needy, desperate, partners sexy. When your partner realizes your happiness hinges on them....oof. Who wants to date someone depressed? Who's like, I really wanna find someone thats depressed unless I'm in their life? Toxic, controlling people maybe...

If you're lonely when you're alone you gotta figure out why you don't like your own company. A relationship should be the cherry on top of a full life. And that's the best way to guarantee your partner won't be put off by you being sad and desperate or worse that you won't attract a manipulative/controlling person that will make you miserable.

beleidigtewurst · 2023-08-29T17:32:39+00:00

We are social animals, it is normal.

And look at @Notch. (Minecraft creator, self made billionaire from a poor family)

KayRay1994 · 2023-08-29T18:36:17+00:00

Now, I don’t believe you can be your absolute happiest single as we all need some companionship and intimacy in our lives, and frankly “self love” can only help to a certain extent. That being said, happiness is a spectrum and there is a certain level of happiness you can achieve on your own, even if limited.

If you’re not happy single I think that’s something you’ll have to learn how to overcome, but also don’t fall too deeply into the idea that only you can make yourself happy - the idea is to be happy enough to push along forward and be okay with yourself - and if you’re not, that’s where the self exploration comes in and that’s where you have to figure how why you’re unhappy (for reasons other than not having an SO) and deal with those.

SoldierExcelsior · 2023-08-29T21:37:01+00:00

I think you will out grow it.I went through a phase where I had plenty of money a nice home cars toys abd lived a leisure life but I was lonely..every movie TV show and song was about relationships,every where I would go their would be couples..So I dated for a bit and for the most part I regret wasting the time and money.

I didn't need a relationship I needed a purpose something to make life feel fullfiling.Ive found my purpose I haven't been lonely or desired to date since..Sure there's sexual urges but nothing $80 can't solve..and as you get older those urges become less and less significant.

I think men these days just don't haveva purpose so they resort to the default procreation. For women I think it's a bit more complex..they can have everything they need money career even kids allready but not having a man they take it deeply personal since men will sleep with them but not love them and that confuses women.

It's easier for men because we learn at a young age if we aren't tall handsome and rich women aren't going to be interested.

Sawtoothsilver · 2023-08-30T10:43:53+00:00

Choose wisely, I’ve been in two toxic relationships, cause I hated being single.

Lovemelikeareptile1 · 2023-08-29T17:21:06+00:00

You are thinking in All or Nothing terms. Meaning you are thinking in extremes and absolutes.

You are either happy being single so you never seek a woman ever again OR you are unhappy and needy and you spend all your free time pursuing a relationship.

The idea behind learning to be happy single and not be afraid to be alone is that it makes you independent and non-needy. Needy and desperate people who feel worthless without a relationship are actually the last people to get into one. They put themselves out there saying "take me, I don't have inherent worth or value, I can't stand myself or my life, please save me". No wonder there are no takers.

Learning to not depend on others for your own happiness and fulfillment doesn't mean that you automatically shun everyone and go live in a cave. It just means that you are happy with or without a person and you don't desperately need someone. This, paradoxically, makes you more attractive to others. Then a relationship becomes a choice and not a necessity. As you can choose, you can also decide if a person is bringing something extra to your life or if they are not. You can also end relationships with people who are objectively not good for you because you don't need them for your emotional needs. Needy people even if able to get into a relationship, tend to hang on to abusive and terrible relationships for way too long because they are afraid if they let go, they will never find another person to love them.

Zabadoodude · 2023-08-29T17:31:55+00:00

There is nothing wrong with needing romantic love, companionship, and intimacy to be fully happy. These are innate human drives and some people experience them more strongly than others.

Having friends is important too. Some people want their partner to fill all their social needs, which would be overwhelming.

You should be careful to not appear too desperate and needy so you don't smother any potential partners, but that's more advice on how you should behave, then what you should desire.

absolute4080120 · 2023-08-29T18:00:21+00:00

Do you have other fulfilling friendships or relationships in life?

I've been single, married, and now in an open marriage. I've loved all of them. I need my autonomy. In fact I crave it.

One of my big red flags in dating even to this day is what time availability people have and what their hobbies are, if any. As a healthy emotionally intelligent person if I identify someone and their hobbies are usually isolationist or things like scrolling social media, or binge watching TV shows I'm automatically going to shut down any pursuit because I know that person is seeking another partner or relationship to fill their free time.

I understand you are older, but your perspective seems to be wanting a person in your life as a hobby or sense of fulfillment. It may be sexually it may just be to dote on them, but for me that would be stressful because it puts an onus on me to be that person's happiness and to restrict doing my own thing to entertain them.

GooseneckRoad · 2023-08-29T17:05:42+00:00

I think a lot of people are in the same boat, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's easy for people who are fulfilled by their hobbies/work/pets/etc. to say you should follow that path too, but that's not everyone's purpose. I'd say, if being in a relationship and whatever comes with that is your purpose, you have to keep pursuing it.

AND of course, don't hang your hat on anything in life bringing you happiness without you working on cultivating happiness within yourself (regardless of anything external). It's very hard, but people can do it- you can find peace in even the worst situations.

PrinceArchie · 2023-08-29T17:24:05+00:00

Work twoard finding the person you want to be with. But interact with people often, dont just sit in a room and theorize. Interact with people. Eventually you will remember why you need "personal space" and you will reinvigorate your joy in your hobbies when the grind for finding your partner becomes tedious.

Safinated · 2023-08-29T17:42:17+00:00

Then it’s up to you to do something about it.

You already know all the options, and also that we’re not going to do it for you

SianOiseau · 2023-08-29T17:51:10+00:00

You have to learn to cope and accept your life as it is. It doesn't mean you should strop trying or improving, but you have to learn to deal with a lack of something you deeply desire. It's the same for people who struggle with finance, health, fertility etc. We don't always get what we want, we still have to manage it somehow.

Therapy and self-reflction can help here. Why do you want to be in relationships? What is there that you lack? How do you want to feel? Why? Are there any other acceptable ways to get what you want? How can you realistically substitute it? What can you do to get a partner? What stops you from dating?

LoopyPro · 2023-08-29T18:44:47+00:00

Ironically, it's usually people in loving relationships who say "oh just be happy doing your own thing."

This reminds me of millionaires going around poor people and telling them that money isn't everything. He's right to some extent, but wealth will make a difference to them.

To be fair I have to admit that I'm generally in a way better mood overall and so much more at peace with myself when I'm in a relationship compared to when I'm not. The access to the companionship and intimacy of a healthy relationship is something you cannot get anywhere else.

Hoopy223 · 2023-08-29T20:39:06+00:00

You’re normal.

The “happy when single” thing is a scam made up by people who want to replace community with $$$ doodads and websites. They want you miserable so you’ll work to earn money which you spend to feel better.

Humans are social creatures it’s literally proven that sociability/social life is health related.

Nobody is happier single unless they are defective.

Glass_Bucket · 2023-08-29T20:48:49+00:00

Nothing pisses me off more than people who say

"Just learn to be happy alone! If you're not happy single, you won't be happy in a relationship!"

This is like telling a broke person "just learn to be happy when you're poor!" or a starving person "just learn to be happy when you're hungry!"
It's also almost always people in relationship who give this advice.

Pretty much every human being wants companionship, and we aren't weird for expressing frustration over not having it. No one wants to be lonely, we all want a special someone in our lives. Telling people to just "learn to be happy alone" or "love yourself before you love others" haven no idea what they're talking about

Clementinequeen95 · 2023-08-29T17:04:33+00:00

This sounds like codependency. You need to learn to not rely on other people or what if’s for your happiness. Of course people want romantic relationships but you have to first be able to be comfortable by yourself. Otherwise you go into said relationships with far too much pressure and dependency on the other person.

I’d recommend therapy or learning about your attachment style if you’re struggling this much.

catwatchwsmyshame · 2023-08-29T18:04:57+00:00

I dunno op. Feel like reddit and ppl mainly in this sub are obsessed with creating this picture where wanting someone is beneath them. They live the coolest lives and are perfectly happy. I think its all major cope and people are full of shit. I'm married and it's fucking way better then being single.

If you are past 30 and still single, I'm sorry but you aren't as cool as you think you are. I don't care you make 150k a year and live in the coolest part of town. You'd be able to attract a great person by then, the rest is bullshit.

Having hobbies and shit is fun, but not fulfilling if you can't share your life with someone. Dont let this sub tell you different.

Ayaka_Simp_ · 2023-08-29T19:10:50+00:00

There's a possibility that you're mistaking loneliness for unhappiness. I was genuinely miserable when I had no bitches. Unknowingly, I built a routine from all that time alone. Whether I noticed it or not, indulging in those hobbies made me happy. My loneliness simply clouded that realization.

When I experienced my first toxic and destructive relationship, I knew immediately. That I wasn't actually miserable back then. Compared to being in an unhappy relationship, being alone was a million times better.

If that's not the case, and you don't enjoy your own company... you shouldn't be in a relationship. You need to like yourself before anyone else does, for numerous reasons. It's unlikely you'll find a healthy relationship in that state either. Do yourself a favor and work on yourself.

bread93096 · 2023-08-29T20:17:19+00:00

I’ve always found this to be a dishonest talking point. Humans need relationships to be happy. Being happy ‘on your own’ is a very modern concept with little basis in the history of our species. It’s absolutely natural for a human to feel sad in the absence of strong relationships.

MistyMaisel · 2023-08-29T17:56:30+00:00

Yes, you are doomed to failure and suffering if you can only be happy from having a romantic relationship. People obsessed with fantasies are usually the most miserable and doomed people across the board. Especially if they aren't well equipped to live those fantasies out.

I tell people this and I was someone who practiced this. I was never being dishonest with myself. I was happy doing my own thing, the fact I could be more happy if I found the perfect person was true, but I did not anticipate this happening and I wasn't about to be anything less than joyful, peaceful, happy, and harmonious in the mean-time.

Wizbitz9191 · 2023-09-04T18:08:08+00:00

Yeah its rough for sure. I have given up at 36. Just planning to go out on fent someday in the future at this point.

Rogue5454 · 2023-08-30T02:08:32+00:00

You might want to get therapy to understand why you need another person to be happy at all.

You should be happy with yourself first to be able to then accept a partner in your life or the relationship won’t be healthy.

ParallelArchitecture · 2023-08-30T03:12:06+00:00

Tbh, it means you need to grow up. I see this kind of mentality commonly in children and certain adults who are filled with atrocious amounts of jealousy and insecurity.

If you can only be happy with someone else you're pretty much guaranteed to be 100% insecure and jealous. Once you can grow up in this regard you'll understand why everyone else can give that kind of generic advice...

I know its not very fun to hear and you'll probably rave and rant about how you're super totally mature and not insecure at all, but I guarantee that you are.

Over_North8884 · 2023-08-29T20:46:17+00:00

I assume you're a guy. Get on a Filipino Dating site for encouragement and open your eyes then get to Phillipines pronto.

I'm writing this from Manila. I've drilled 4 beautiful young women (well into legal range) the past week, asked one to be my gf (she's fence sitting), and I never pay for sex. I'm a former Chadlite but currently overweight from covid. I'm also middle aged. I target 8+, but settle for 7s sometimes. If you're willing to go with 5s then you essentially have an unlimited supply.

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Ok_Smile_60 · 2023-08-29T17:12:57+00:00

I was pretty happy by myself, or well, at least not being in a serious relationship. After being married for 7 years, realized that hedonism id been living prior really wasn’t fulfilling at all

stats135 · 2023-08-29T18:38:30+00:00

This isn't different from any other obsession or attachment. The question can easily be "What if I'm authentically not happy being poor?" or "What if I'm authentically not happy being fat?".

The issue is that your desire aren't met in reality. There are only two variables here, desire and reality. So you only really have two options.

Option one you take therapy/meditate/go monk-mode to free yourself from the desire. Doesn't matter what the desire is. It can be money, health, sex, relationship, anything.

Option two, change reality such that you do have what you want. Do whatever you have to. Whether it be seduction or PUA or redpill, figure out what works and do it. Don't let anyone shame you or convince you otherwise.

webernicke · 2023-08-29T19:26:44+00:00

Make yourself as attractive as possible and lower your standards to the bottom.

relish5k · 2023-08-29T20:56:33+00:00

It’s less about being happy being single then it is about not being miserable. If you’re miserable and single being in a relationship probably won’t fix that. But if you’re generally content with yourself being single then you’re most likely in a good place to start a relationship.

Welllarmedhippie · 2023-08-29T21:23:02+00:00

Get a partner.

Relative_Bee8356 · 2023-08-29T21:47:43+00:00

Having a hobbies and a rich social life minus does make you happier regardless of whether you're partnered, and does make you likelier to meet someone/be able keep them around. It's not a guarantee. There are no guarantees.

What are you looking for here? The government to assign you a girlfriend? Someone to agree that your life totally sucks and you're right to be miserable? The former won't happen and the latter won't help.

HungerISanEmotion · 2023-08-29T22:08:47+00:00

Then you try to find somebody and not be single anymore. But... as you said nobody wants to be a source of happiness for someone sad and desperate...

So you need to not be sad and desperate... so you still need to find happiness outside of the relationship, to find a relationship.

vivienneebackwood · 2023-08-29T22:28:20+00:00

depending on a relationship for happiness is not healthy. it’s also manipulative to put your mental well-being on another person.

being alone sucks, but you gotta accept that’s where you are right now. it’s no one’s fault you’re single. when people tell you to find hobbies and focus on other things, it’s not to fill that void but so you can develop as a person. what’s the alternative? being miserable and single with no hobbies or self identity?

going into a relationship as a means to find happiness is just gonna end up badly for both parties.

Uglypostwall · 2023-08-30T00:02:25+00:00

I am also not that happy being single with no chance of getting married but things that have helped me are:

Keeping busy with work, like folding clothes, cleaning, walking, doing job-related tasks, engaging in ceramic clay activities, or organizing, among other things.
Getting enough sleep and enjoying really nice foods

Please focus on having friends or a social life. It is not easy to make friends when you get older. My best friend passed away three years ago, and I regret not spending enough time with her.

NarwhalsInTheLibrary · 2023-08-30T02:26:13+00:00

There are multiple reasons for the whole "get some hobbies!" thing you hear a lot. People tend to assume it means either "find other things to do and forget dating" or "if you have a hobby you'll meet a girlfriend doing your hobby."

But in my opinion, having things you do that you enjoy, especially if these things get you out of your house and into the world, will make you generally happier with your life. Being happy makes you more attractive. Depressed people repel other people. This is true for dating and friendships.

Connected to that is that while it is fine to feel a need for companionship or a serious relationship to be fulfilled and completely happy, you can't rely only on that.

no one wants to be your source of happiness

This isn't exactly right. It isn't that nobody wants to make somebody else happy. It's that nobody wants to be your ONLY source of happiness. That's too much pressure. It is exhausting to be somebody's only friend, only source of fun, only confidant, only emotional support, only reason to get out of bed in the morning. You should have multiple people in your life you can confide in, seek emotional support from, enjoy spending time with, and multiple things that help you get out of bed in the morning. Having friends makes you seems better rounded which in itself is attractive, but also while in a LTR your partner will have times when they just cannot support you. If your SO gets ill or goes away on a trip, or is spending all their energy coping with their own life dramas, they simply will not be able to be your source of joy and or will to live for that time. You will need to support them and it will be much better for both of you if you have external support people (friends). Having hobbies will reduce the weight of being the only source of happiness in your life, and hobbies also help you to meet friends.

And this is an often overlooked thing, but it will be far easier to meet somebody and for them to actually like you if you are interesting. What do you do with your free time? If you have nothing interesting to say, if you don't do anything fun ever, then why is anybody going to want to spend time with you? Hobbies give you things to talk about when you meet somebody. Hobbies also give you things to do with that person, if they enjoy similar activities.

If cooking classes are not enjoyable for you then stop going to those. But you gotta do something. If you really cannot find any activity besides working and sleeping that you can enjoy in your life, nobody will want to be part of your life. I have no desire to date a guy who doesn't enjoy his life and doesn't want to do anything except be with me. Even if you don't want to socialize, go hiking or something. At least you have fresh air, it might cheer you up in general, and then next time you're talking to a girl you met you at least can mention this thing you do in your free time so you don't sound like a guy who hides in his room in the dark sulking all the time. And bonus if something noteworthy happens while you're out there, then you have a story to tell. It doesn't need to be hiking, but hopefully you see what I'm getting at. Doing stuff makes you more interesting.

obviousredflag · 2023-08-30T10:18:55+00:00

Also I understand that nobody wants to connect with someone sad and desperate, and no one wants to be your source of happiness, but what if you authentically just aren't happy until you meet someone? Are you just doomed to fail since you're lonely?

Yes, mostly. There are other people like you, who will get into a relationship with you to not be lonely. Do you think you will be happy then?

Suspicious-Bed-2717 · 2023-08-30T17:01:28+00:00

Never listen to people who say you need to love yourself first. That's bull, there is tons of people out there in relationships who love their partners more than they could ever love themselves

AcrobaticRhubarb2147 · 2023-09-02T02:32:10+00:00

OP, I like a man who can cook.

Title	What if I'm authentically not happy being single?
Author	AudaciousPanther
Upvotes	37
Comments	188
Date	August 29, 2023 4:53 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/164nqlg/what_if_im_authentically_not_happy_being_single/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-if-im-authentically-not-happy-being-single.1230646 https://theredarchive.com/post/1230646

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