"Men want to be judged on their intentions, not on their actions"

andfromlittlethings · 2021-03-15T14:31:18+00:00

"I was going to (something nice that they should have done) but then (ridiculous excuse)"

*Waits for you to praise and be grateful for such great intentions

deep_faked_beans · 2021-03-15T14:56:00+00:00

Not really about relationships, but I see this on every twox post that discusses creepy behaviour from men, they all come out of the woodwork to say it wasn't the guys intention to be creepy. The fact is, it doesn't matter one bit if the guy wasn't intending to be creepy, because either way he made women uncomfortable, and he needs to learn proper boundaries and respect. We shouldn't excuse men's behaviour just because it wasn't their intention to make us uncomfortable.

msromperstomper · 2021-03-15T15:22:02+00:00

As women, I think we are totally conditioned to let things slide once a guy utters the words "that wasn't my intention." "That wasn't my intention" is manipulative garbage meant to shut down all conversation. I can tell that FDS is sinking in when a male friend said this to me this past weekend and instead of saying nothing, I responded "well, can I ask what your intention was?" He was shocked and sputtered some nonsense reply. I was still too nice in wanting to resolve the issue. Gotta get to block and delete.

pickadaisy · 2021-03-15T15:07:03+00:00

I’ve never once had a man consider MY intentions when my efforts were misplaced.

Don’t let men gaslight you into ignoring his action or inaction!

venomous_g · 2021-03-15T14:34:35+00:00

Their intentions match their actions. They don't just mistakenly fuck up, be misogynistic, harm and manipulate women... they do it on purpose. The socially codified ability to pretend to be ignorant of the results of their negative behavior is an extremely valuable tool for misogyny

UnderwaterWriter · 2021-03-15T14:55:32+00:00

“I was trying to do xyz” “I will try, but no promises” The word “try” has been eradicated from the responses that I allow into my relationship. There is no trying. Either you’re going to do it with every intention of succeeding, or you won’t do it because it inconveniences you. “Trying” straddles the line of “I want it to seem like I’m doing it, but I will likely fail because know I can just say at least I was trying”.

mirodus · 2021-03-15T14:44:29+00:00

Like the reason why men frame women to be chatty is because they are the biggest talkers- they can’t stand not running their mouths and not being the centre of attention for more than 5 minutes 😓

_Aztreonam_ · 2021-03-15T15:32:51+00:00

My husband cheated on me and walked out abruptly with a bunch of money from my family to pay off his student loans but insists that because he Didn’t MEAN to hurt me- he just felt in love with someone else- he’s not so bad . In fact he was just trying to protect my feelings, but took zero responsibility for any of the fallout and did not follow through with paying them back- but he had “good intentions”.

no one cares about your intentions when you exploit and cheat on your wife and abandon your family

Protoetype · 2021-03-15T16:22:51+00:00

This is absolutely true.

"I didn't mean to hurt you" "I had no idea that would hurt you"

What he really means is "I didn't care if I hurt you" "I never consider your feelings only my own desires"

Men want to control your perception of them so they'll try to tell you what they want you to believe about them. ALWAYS JUDGE A MAN BY HIS ACTIONS, not JUST his words.

Colour_riot · 2021-03-15T15:53:21+00:00

I kind of just say: "no, you didn't, because you didn't consider my feelings at all. You just did what you wanted to do, without giving a shit about me."

At least that makes them jump next to the "I'm sorry, I won't do that again" stage (also a lie), instead of trying to continue doing mental gymnastics to worm their way into the infinitesimally tiny space of "not aware, not my fault"

InaneObservations · 2021-03-15T14:20:50+00:00

It's more like men want to be judged on YOUR best intentions.

Way too many men have either a kindergarter's emotional intelligience level of always escaping consequences for their actions, or else they're deliberately manipulating you.

So their responses are a litany of, "I didn't do it! Well, I didn't mean to! Well, it wasn't my fault! Well, you're making me feel bad! Stop being so mean!"

By the end of it, they still haven't apologized for what they did, they haven't demonstrated any intention not to repeat it, but they played on your heartstrings and bingoed your ability to be a caring enough partner so you actually feel bad for focusing on the dogshit and not seeing the diamond supposedly buried in it.

missisabelarcher · 2021-03-15T16:20:29+00:00

At this point in my life, I don't judge people by intentions anymore. I judge them by the impact their actions have, and whether or not they are responsible for and acknowledge that impact they make on people. I apply this to my cheating ex, to my friends, to the men I date, to my co-workers. If they can't do this, even after I've expressed hurt, I put as much distance as I can from them.

To use an example above, if I step on someone's foot, it doesn't matter if I didn't intend to or not. Their foot still hurts and I say sorry. If I intended to hurt them, I'm a jerk and honestly maybe even sociopathic; even if I didn't, not apologizing and trying to make it right still makes me a jerk.

I have a little one and I'm teaching him this kind of thing, and it is so simple. He gets it: you do something that hurts someone, you say sorry and you try to do better. We all make mistakes, but the bigger mistake is to not acknowledge the pain we caused, because it makes the other person feel unimportant and invisible and this sometimes is even more damaging than the original injury. Why is this so hard to grasp?

And yet so many want a free pass to not have to take responsibility for their impact on others, all to protect their own egos and positions in society. Get over it. If my kindergartner can do it, so can you.

youngsteryona · 2021-03-15T14:19:35+00:00

Agreed. Sometimes I feel like people expect to be judged as if by a government. These are different standards. I don’t want to give the benefit of the doubt (anymore)

sweet_birthday_babyy · 2021-03-15T17:07:36+00:00

My ex wanted credit for things he thought of doing, but never followed through on.

Previous-Focus-2013 · 2021-03-15T15:37:04+00:00

It's even funnier when you call them out on treating you like crap and they turn all "EW HOW DARE YOU" on you with eye roll and heavy sign thinking they guilt - tripped you but then.... do exact thing all over again thinking you'll remember their last excuse and use it as justification for his current behavior.

ricemilklatte · 2021-03-15T18:29:17+00:00

Ugh “intentions” were honestly the crux of 95% of arguments with my ex.

Him intending to take me on a nice date was just as good as actually taking me on the date, and I better have appreciated it just as much.

One time we got into an argument that I “hijack” dates and never let him plan something on his own. He was referring to a night when he told me he’d cook me dinner and I sent him a recipe for tacos that I’ve been wanting to try. He never did make me dinner, from the recipe or from his own ideas, but I hijacked his intended dinner so I needed a firm talking to.

Intentions were also brought up when he’d hurt me. I shouldn’t be mad at him for saying something cruel because he didn’t intend to hurt me. I shouldn’t be upset that he never cleaned the house because he always intended to; he just never got around to it.

The litany of excuses this man would come up with were truly remarkable. If I ever hear a man tell me his “intentions” again I just might lose whatever sanity I have left.

pinkcityscape · 2021-03-15T15:40:25+00:00

For me I’ve never believed what men say because their actions are always different and this applies to many things not just romantic relationships

butteryrum · 2021-03-15T18:15:04+00:00

Or "I didn't want to hurt you" while hurting you anyways. Men generally use the "women understand this stuffs better!" as an excuse all the time for this kind of BS. No more excuses. If an adult man can't act like an adult, he can kick rocks and GTFO out of my life. It's feigned ignorance, 100%. They know they did you dirty, they just operate on the hope it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Watzoo · 2021-03-15T18:23:28+00:00

We grew up hearing “you are what you do” in my family. As in, love is a verb, nice is a verb, etc. How you feel is all good and well, but it’s for you. To everyone else, what you do is what matters....

I used to hate how everything was boiled down to actions alone (and still think it has limitations), but it was a mindset that served me well in the dating world. Actions matter. I’m surprised at how many men don’t want them to matter.

Mind-Objective · 2021-03-15T18:31:09+00:00

My family member said that whenever someone apologizes she asks “what for” and then “so now what are you gonna do moving forward”

Very kindergarten ish but she uses it

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-03-15T19:21:51+00:00

List of permanently banned phrases in my house:

"I didn't mean to..."

"I wasn't trying to..."

"I didn't intend to..."

"It's not like I wanted to..."

Or any iteration therein.

Amazingly, it's quite possible to exist and maintain relationships without ever uttering those words. If, say, one of the kids buzzes the other in the head once with a toy drone, rushing anxiously to see if the other is alright and an immediate heartfelt "I'm sorry!" speaks to intention. If they get attitude when being lectured about safety, that's a pretty good predictor of whether the same accident will happen again. If they sulk that they didn't "mean/want/ try/intend" to do it, that's a guarantee it will happen again.

My typical responses to "I didn't mean/intend/want to/try":

1) "No, you're so good at doing X it requires no thought to do it. You'd have to mean/intend/try/want NOT to do it to overcome your own giftedness in this department."

2) "So you get to do X and then feel okay about doing X? Cake for you plus more cake for you? Bet you'll do it again since it costs you nothing."

Etc. If I wouldn't put up with bs self-exculpation from an 11 year old, I'm hardly going to tolerate it from an adult.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-03-15T16:10:24+00:00

So the way I look at it is this: It is NOT about them. It is not about what they meant, what they thought, how they thought, etc. It is about YOU and how a behavior impacts YOU.

A response such as "I didn't mean..." is a defensive one. They are protecting whatever beliefs they hold about themselves. To me, that is on the poor side of communication, relationship building, and conflict resolution. A beneficial response would be to apologize and/or inquire to how to resolve the issue, with immediate action being taken. They see that a potential rupture occurred in the relationship and their primary goal is to fix that rupture, rather than to protect their ego.

This goes for any relationship that wants to have healthy communication.

shmarhar · 2021-03-15T15:07:39+00:00

Well, we all know that phrase about the road to hell...

PasDeTout · 2021-03-15T16:40:06+00:00

This sounds suss to me. You can never really prove your intentions: they’re what they say you are and it’s very rarely that anybody else can contradict you (things like ‘I didn’t mean to murder my wife’ with an internet search history of ‘how to kill someone and make it look like an accident’ aside). A bit of a get out of jail free card.

In most cases, good intentions result in good actions. If I genuinely want to help a homeless person I give him money or a sandwich. I don’t give him a kick and then say ‘I thought that he would appreciate it. How was I supposed to know his interpretation of my actions would be negative’.

There are occasions where we unintentionally hurt people. For example, walking past your neighbour on the street because you honestly didn’t notice but she thinks you deliberately snubbed her. Or your mother feels hurt because you don’t visit more often but you have genuine reasons why you can’t.

Human beings have ‘theory of mind’. We are generally quite good at putting ourselves in other people’s shoes if we make the effort. Adults simply can’t get away with saying ‘I didn’t know that would hurt you’. Yes, you did.

mostdefinitelynturs · 2021-03-15T18:27:45+00:00

This reminds of my recent ex who failed to tell me that he is a registered sex offender; but didn't tell me because "It was a long time ago." 🙄 He left me numerous voice mails from him crying to cussing me out. Calling me "white" and simple for filing a restraining order and that I'm "simple minded."

esoldelulu · 2021-03-15T20:41:36+00:00

Pay attention to what they DO versus what they say. When they say that was not their intention, that’s unproven lip service. Because it was their questionable actions that prompted them to say that in the first place. The alignment to such intentions should show up in their actions and behaviour. And not just towards you but across the board.

My ex claimed he was sensitive and emotionally available and bemoaned the selfishness of his ex and family to me. Talked a good game of being self accountable. Sure he was sweet to me (for awhile) but he had ZERO empathy for his elderly relatives, towards his father, his brother, demonized his ex. He refused to recognize the vulnerability and humanity in them when I saw it so clearly despite the biased, disparaging way he described them.

That lack of empathy eventually turned on me. And that self-accountability he spoke of? Never once owned his actions especially when I pointed out how twisted they looked to me and how it hurt me. Just got a shrug and “I’m sorry that hurt your feelings.” Sounds familiar?

When there’s no consistency and it’s repeated pattern over time, then he IS doing all that bullshit intentionally. He’s intentionally not considering your safety, feelings, etc. Doesn’t matter what he says.

It’s a FACT now that LVM and NVM make great effort in the beginning but it’s hard to keep that facade up and stay consistent. Yet they want that initial effort to be what shields them from disapproval further down the road. That’s the true form of their lousy intention that just wants to do the bare minimum.

1Here4Bach · 2021-03-15T19:41:23+00:00

You’re correct. There are men who do things that they know they would hate if it were done to them and then turn around is say, “Durrr...I didn’t mean to hurt you”. It’s all BS.

Like the old saying goes “Words are cheap”. Judge a man by his action but not only that; judge him by the consistency of his actions.

Any many can do one thoughtful or selfless thing a week but not every man can do it every day.

mandoa_sky · 2021-03-16T01:31:45+00:00

my ex was like that all the time.

turns out I'm happier with him not in my ife

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-03-16T11:43:52+00:00

but did you all notice how these excuses never work when women try to use them?

hologothic · 2021-03-18T04:39:34+00:00

This is exactly why I've been making an effort to listen to actions, not words.

Title	"Men want to be judged on their intentions, not on their actions"
Author	jollycanoli
Upvotes	848
Comments	78
Date	March 15, 2021 12:24 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m5jj9m/men_want_to_be_judged_on_their_intentions_not_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-want-to-be-judged-on-their-intentions-not-on.767416 https://theredarchive.com/post/767416

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