Why wait to hook up?

soupsandwich00 · 2025-12-10T17:07:29+00:00

I've set a boundary for myself. No women/dating for a year, minimum. I gotta get my head and life right after this is all said and done. My heart has been hardened and it might be difficult to have any kind of relationship for a while.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2025-12-05T08:20:02+00:00

OP, do you have children?

MonarchistExtreme · 2025-12-04T22:12:17+00:00

I guess it really depends on the person. A lot of people, myself included, start a sexual relationship and that naturally opens the door for stronger feelings to begin grow.

Also, just short way out from a toxic relationship, even an okayish relationship is going to look like an oasis. Those are some of the reasons why people say it's better to wait.

Another reason that applies to me, I used relationships, girls that I could pull, attention I could gain as validation for me as a person. After my divorce, I have stayed single bc I need to learn to be happy with myself and not base my value on who else sees quality in me.

divorcery · 2025-12-04T04:49:08+00:00

If you don't have children, probably it doesn't matter. If you do have children, it might matter a lot, and potentially create a new target for your counterparty.

woahbrad35 · 2025-12-04T00:56:10+00:00

Keep it clear with any potentials, keep it casual, rebounds aren't a fun time. I had a kid early in life with someone else and never really had the wilder 20s. She moved out the same time I split with my ex wife and I definitely had a bit of a ho phase. Got a lot out of my system that way, good times and bad. I hooked up with more women in the year after my ex moved out than in the 10 years prior to meeting her combined lol.

Skeltzjones · 2025-12-03T18:36:08+00:00

I think the idea is that it may provide a distraction, which can be good or bad. Only bad if you never process the pain of the divorce.

ForQueenandCountry82 · 2025-12-03T17:27:44+00:00

Nothing wrong with a hook up. A month after separating from a 20 year marriage I messaged a woman I had gone to high school with. I had a huge crush on her back in the day but hadn't seen each other since we were teenagers. Had a great night and fulfilled my high school fantasy of sex with her. Never seen her again after that but we both knew what it was so it was fine. Go for it mate.

One-Specialist-4983 · 2025-12-03T16:49:07+00:00

I didn’t date anyone for 6 months, then I fucked almost anything that moved 😂🤣. Almost 6 months later I had that out of my system. Then I took me a year to find my current partner. But everyone is different.

capnjackstation · 2025-12-03T16:08:32+00:00

Nothing helps getting over someone quicker than getting under someone. Just don’t get attached for a while, you’ll attract other train wrecks too. It’s normal. Like attracts like so keep it casual.

wparo · 2025-12-03T15:47:14+00:00

Some people think you ned to. "find yourself". Everyone's different. I didn't need much time. I know myself. I was miserable and married to a woman who was terminally allergic to monogamy. Finding a new person was easy for me to accept and I'm happier now.
Some may need time alone to "find inner peace", but it's definitely not for everyone.
I think some people on Reddit just like people being alone and miserable

Live-Alarm5826 · 2025-12-03T14:45:34+00:00

I recently tried to start up a new relationship and quickly developed feelings that were over the top strong for how long it's been, just be careful the same doesn't happen to you, it can really throw you down in the dumps

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-12-03T14:37:16+00:00

You are a married man. Show you past romantic relationship and your partner some respect. More importantly set some standards for yourself. Nothing is more pathetic than a guy with no standards.

thraxx171 · 2025-12-03T12:52:04+00:00

Go get it out of your system. You will stop and reevaluate when ready.

Own_Maybe9468 · 2025-12-03T08:52:21+00:00

Agree, as long as both parties know what they are getting themselves into, I guess it is fine. Just be careful to not get her pregnant or get too emotionally invested. When you just get divorced, you are like a drown man reaching out for something to hang on. So be careful with who you pick. That's the reason why I go for escort sometimes, I don't want to be dependent on someone (especially a women) and make sure that I can always walk away whenever I wish to. Saw you comment on taking someone to concert. Maybe your direction will be more on a fwb or a girlfriend that is okay with not getting married any time soon?

Melynthos1492 · 2025-12-03T05:25:14+00:00

Bang as quickly as possible will help the progress, don’t jump into anything long term . Don’t listen to people that say wait a year, life is to short

curtdogg47 · 2025-12-03T03:39:25+00:00

There’s nothing wrong with getting out there and hooking up. I started doing it pretty soon about 2 weeks, after my ex said she wanted a divorce.

But Be clear about what you want! You don’t want to find yourself in a new relationship. That was my first mistake, I wasnt clear about just wanting to hook up.

Then pretty quickly I learned hook ups were not for me!

Secondly, make sure you are consistent in working on you and taking care of yourself. Hookups are fun, meeting people is fun to. Always remember the end game is to get you back healed and whole.

There are crazy women out there that will try to take advantage of a man that is emotional not healed. That ended up being the first woman I met. So be careful!

r1muwu · 2025-12-03T02:02:36+00:00

Wait dude just wait… 1 the courts may consider it infidelity and that fucks you across the board 2 youre an emotional mess right now whether you want to admit it or not. My dad in his last couple divorces started dating right away and to nobody’s surprise except perhaps him married his rebound and got divorced again.

Competitive-Show-955 · 2025-12-03T01:25:47+00:00

Because it may be considered infidelity if it happens before a certain point in the process and depending on your state may impact asset division and child custody. Not everywhere, but some.

Nothoughtiname5641 · 2025-12-03T01:24:06+00:00

Go for it ... i had quite a few ladies over after the separation. She was cheating on me during the marriage anyways. I learned that I'm not a random hookup kind of guy.

birdguy1000 · 2025-12-03T00:37:15+00:00

Yeah fresh out of a marriage we don’t have game and we are a hot mess. Most others will have radar for that and steer clear.

TattedGeek_Age · 2025-12-03T00:33:55+00:00

No, not at all.. it’s just hurt people hurt people ya know??? Like you can do whatever you want and as long as you’re happy and ready for it and tge potential bullshit that accompanies it all then go right ahead.. don’t wait too long too but the rule of thumb is however your real relationship was that when it started meaning something special is usually how long it takes to work thru all the hurt and issues that came… that’s what I’ve had to understand and come to terms with.. and trust me, it’s been a lot better without arguing and any kind of hurt or frustration or anger n fucking pure hatred forward women.. like I see my issues n see that the issues by both were killing each other

No-Spinach-169 · 2025-12-03T00:12:03+00:00

Pay for it if you can.

dadToTheBone37 · 2025-12-02T23:42:55+00:00

If the divorce proceedings are taking a long time, sure go ahead.

But y’all are separated, which isn’t the same. Personally, I wouldn’t date or hook up at all during a separation. IMO a separation is a test to see if a divorce is something you even want to go through with. It’s not a ticket to go around fucking.

dober88 · 2025-12-02T23:10:16+00:00

Live your life.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2025-12-02T22:41:57+00:00

Your title says "hook up" and your subject says "dating", they're 2 different things.

You can hook up all you want. Boning multiple girls without any emotional attachment might help in many ways. The conventional wisdom is that dating and relationships should be postponed until you've fully processed the marriage and divorce, whatever part you played in it, and have a clear understanding of what you want in a future partner.

funnyman6979 · 2025-12-02T22:32:33+00:00

Great advice here work on you move at your own pace don’t drag someone else into whatever emotional mess if not fully resolved. Take the time, there’s plenty of mistakes out there. All I can say here is the relationship between marriages I had did not work and really hurt because I thought this was it. So be careful, and look we are all human and imperfect- learn and grow.

Gattsama · 2025-12-02T22:07:56+00:00

Everyone is different. Everyone comes from a different situation. At the population level however, what has been shown time and time again is guys jump into a new female relationship to quickly, develop feelings, and repeat the old patterns of their previous marriage.

Some guy step into husband role, some guys use sex in place of actual therapy and emotional healing, some guys hook up with users/abusers, etc. There's a reason why people talk about rebound relationships .

Now some people are capable of completely separating the act of sex from emotional entanglements. If that's who you are, you do you. But at the population level this is not how most men operate.

Most men have been in a long-term relationship for years if not decades, and they have not yet done the emotional work necessary for them to go out and safely engage that intimately with another woman without creating trouble for themselves.

James-Needs-Help · 2025-12-02T21:54:21+00:00

Y’all are crazy. I get everybody different but it’ll be a very long journey before i can even imagine myself speaking intimately to another woman, I wrecked my marriage I screwed up big time, and lost the love of my life. Personally I can’t even begin to imagine talking or conveying my personal thoughts and feelings to another woman. But that’s just me. I’ve been through and still dealing with a lot of trauma, some partially healed some raw as fuck. So yeah count me out of dating anybody period! My kids/family are my focus. Good luck dude.

poorbullfrog · 2025-12-02T21:46:28+00:00

I don't know about the rest of the people here. But I acknowledged my marriage was over long before the divorce decree was drafted. I was dying for that level of affection by the time I had settled in my new place. I couldn't handle it past 6 months. I met had a bit of fun and then I met a woman who i am excited to be around. I will leave work early to see her. My kids noticed the shift in mood pretty quickly.

Go for! Remember who you were once upon a time!

Different_Fee_5964 · 2025-12-02T21:44:33+00:00

I think it depends on the person. If you aren’t getting involved in someone and plan on having them kick rocks at the end of the day, go for it. But make sure you make that known. Problem lies in the fact that if you find someone you resonate with, you’re potentially opening yourself to a relationship when you haven’t had time to be single and find happiness just being you. It’s a codependency thing that some people don’t realize they have.

probebeta · 2025-12-02T21:31:29+00:00

You can meet someone anytime you feel like it. I dont think there's a rule. Maybe a reason people say this is because the trauma and resentment can get in the way of you having success there. If you can meet a couple cuties and can hit it off then why not.

Venum555 · 2025-12-02T21:28:38+00:00

Because you are susceptible to being taken advantage of during a period where you are very vulnerable.

Several-Eagle4141 · 2025-12-02T21:27:07+00:00

Drop the D, bro. You just may have some issues that first time. Hims is your friend

Empress1978 · 2025-12-02T21:23:14+00:00

Don’t wait. That was a big part of the many reasons we split - dead bedroom. Like you said, as long as you’re up front with who you are and what you want, and so is she, why not? “Just out of a long relationship and marriage and looking for a respectful and up front FWB.” Or similar. It’s worked for me and when things seem like it’s gonna go south or clingy? Move on. Definitely don’t get into an actual relationship for a while. But have fun. I’ve been going out with friends and it’s super fun to flirt again, but this time an older, wiser, more confident man. Be safe, of course, but go for it. You’ll quickly find what you like and don’t like - I had no idea after being with one woman for so long.

miami2881 · 2025-12-02T21:18:53+00:00

I think waiting is a bad idea personally. More likely to want your ex in that case. The don't date advice is just off the basis that you'll jump into another relationship. Do not do that and you will be fine.

Legitimate-Corgi · 2025-12-02T21:17:40+00:00

No need to wait as long as you can seperate sex from relationship. Dont jump headfirst into another relationship right away desperate to replace what you lost

serkovavantgarden · 2025-12-02T21:12:49+00:00

Go for it mate

Having fun with other women is a tried and tested way for getting over the ex.

Divorce bros have been doing it for centuries because it works.

Funny_Object_5538 · 2025-12-02T21:11:07+00:00

Why are you in a rush to hookup? I’m 9 months separated and am very happy I didn’t yet. Gave me the time to truly just focus on me. Revenge sex/ or just fucking for no reason wasn’t the kind of guy I wanted to be. There’s no set time or standard, but week 4 seems early

jimsmythee · 2025-12-02T21:08:36+00:00

Don’t wait to date. Don’t wait to hook up. Don’t wait to have a girlfriend

Definitely Wait to get into a relationship. Wait to get remarried (if ever)

IamKyleBizzle · 2025-12-02T21:08:20+00:00

No need to wait if you can trust yourself. Everyone's journey is different and I think the worst thing about this sub is individuals pretending their specific experience is universal (they never are).

If you feel like you can manage it then I say go for it. As long as you're managing expectations on both ends this should be fine, just be vigilant for yourself.

AssistantActive9529 · 2025-12-02T21:08:06+00:00

I say that you may try to catch feelings on the rebound and not be thinking with your big head while the case is happening . You need to be on your A game until the decree is signed.

Title	Why wait to hook up?
Author	Unlucky_Evening360
Upvotes	15
Comments	58
Date	December 2, 2025 9:04 PM UTC (7 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1pckh36/why_wait_to_hook_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-wait-to-hook-up.1567929 https://theredarchive.com/post/1567929

Comments